A Conventional Distraction

by Margui

A CONVENTIONAL DISTRACTION

"Welcome Thieves?" Iolaus wondered as he saw the large marquee hung outside a luxury inn in the town of Thebes. "What do you think is going on, Herc?" he asked his partner and best friend.

"Maybe it's a typo?" Hercules shrugged, "What do you say we check it out?" the demigod suggested already approaching the large and lavish inn on the edge of the popular vacation city.

"Ahh, come on, Herc." Iolaus whined as he followed him. "You promised me a real vacation. You know, one with pretty girls, good food, and maybe a little fishing under the broken sky."

"Yeah, yeah. Later." Hercules said waving off his smaller partner. He had already walked into the lobby. Iolaus had to quickly catch up to him.

Inside the ornately furnished lobby, next to the door, a poster of the Inn's scheduled events stood on a large easel.

Iolaus surveyed the list of activities for anything suspicious. As he did, he read the list aloud.

"'Centaur Mentor Journey: sponsored by the Saggitarian League,' hummm, that seems harmless enough," he commented.

"'Siege at Naxos: My Story, by Goth.'" A stylized picture of the warlord Goth was showcased next to the caption. "Hey! What is he doing out of jail?" Iolaus asked.

Hercules shrugged his broad shoulders nonplussed.

"Hmmm...this is interesting," Iolaus continued as he pointed to the last entry in the calendar of events. "'All That Glitters: Join Princess Buttercup as she displays the jewels from Hellespont's royal vault.'

"Now if that's not an invitation for every Tom, Dick and Autolycus to steal, I don't know what is?"

"Certainly Autolycus would have more sense than to steal the royal jewels in front of dozens of witnesses. Wouldn't he?" Hercules asked Iolaus.

"Does the Sword of Veracity lie?" Iolaus said as he looked at Hercules critically. "We're talking about Autolycus here!"

"Okay, okay. You've convinced me. Let's find..." Hercules read the board for the room name "...the Ambrosia room."

The two men began to walk down the hall when they heard a woman's scream. Turning to each other in acknowledgement they ran toward the hue and cry, bursting into the last room at the end of the hall.

The dim light from the hall filtered through the double doors into the pitch blackness of the room. The light cast an eerie shadow onto the figures moving inside the room.

The fire down below the elevated runway had served as the source for the runway lights. The torches had been mysteriously extinguished, plunging the room into darkness. Hercules and Iolaus could see several of the guests lighting each torch in succession until the room became fully lit.

A young woman, royalty by her poise and refinement stood on the platform clutching her neck. "The Emerald of Hellespont has been stolen," she shrieked before she fainted dead away. Most in the room came running toward the unconscious woman, save one, who was already on the catwalk.

Hercules and Iolaus looked at each other knowingly as they surveyed the room. They recognized several disreputable thieves, including Autolycus, the King of Thieves. He was already up on the runway suspiciously kneeling over the Princess.

"Look, there's a cut on her neck, as if someone ripped off the emerald with a knife," the thief announced to the crowd.

"Or a grappling hook," Iolaus said from the doorway. He and Hercules approached the crime scene.

Autolycus got up and met the two heroes half way. "Once a hero, always a hero," he said in distain. "What are you two doing here? You weren't invited."

"Our scrolls must have gotten lost in the mail," Iolaus said with equal acrimony. "What are you up to Autolycus? We know you stole the Emerald."

"Ho. Ho. Ho." Autolycus laughed deceptively as he patted his chest. He grabbed the two heroes and proceeded to draw them in to a huddle. "Ixnay on the uiltygay," Autolycus whispered. "You have the power to really ruin this for me."

"What are you talking about, Autolycus?" Hercules asked.

"Let's just call this a diversion for all my outcast friends here. Well, not exactly friends, more like mortal enemies. But what do you expect from a thieve's convention?"

"Oh you have got to be kidding?" Iolaus said.

Autolycus turned his head as a barker came onto the stage and announced, "Let the Games begin! The Emerald of Hellespont has been stolen. Which ever one of you fine men...and women..." he corrected himself when he received an evil stare from the one woman in the audience, "...can find the thief shall claim the Emerald as his...or her prize."

Whoops and hollers were heard from the crowd.

"He's not kidding!" Iolaus said as he slapped his arms down in disbelief.

"Come on, Curly. Don't tell me you didn't know. I'll let you in on a secret. Princess Buttercup is actually an accomplished thief. Buttercup! Really. Who ever heard of a Princess named Buttercup?"

Iolaus snorted. "Excuse me, Autolycus, but have we already forgotten about Cupcake? Princess Cupcake. Or was crying on my shoulder over her just another act?"

"Well...ummm...I'll just chalk that mistake up to our heedless hearts; Cupcake's and mine," Autolycus stammered. He turned back toward the runway in an effort to change the subject. A distinguished, elderly man was on stage pretending to console Princess Buttercup.

He pointed to the elderly man on the stage. "Let me introduce you to the players. You've already met Princess Buttercup. Now, you see that man on stage? The one playing king for a day? He's actually stolen from dozens of them; your cousin Orestes, included," he nonchalantly informed Iolaus.

"Excuse me, Autolycus," A big, barrel-chested man said as he approached the dark thief. He squeezed in between Iolaus and Hercules, dwarfing the demigod by size.

"Wow! You really do cast a giant shadow," Iolaus said having to strain his neck to look at him.

The large man ignored the comment as he continued his conversation with Autolycus. "Autolycus, did you hear they found a small stone on stage. The same kind of stone that Helena the Hellion has adorning her knife." The giant pointed to a small, old lady with gray hair, limping and walking with a cane. She had to be at least 80 years old, Hercules thought.

"Thanks for the update, Tiny," Autolycus said as he slapped the burly man on the back. The gentle giant went back to the crowd leaving the thief with his friends.

Autolycus looked at both Hercules and Iolaus' surprised expressions and added "What's in a name? Except, of course, mine."

The King of Thieves drew the two heroes back into a huddle. "Well, time for you to get going," he said as he urged them out the door.

Iolaus spied the lavish spread of food laid out on the table in front of him. Looking for a convenient delaying tactic, and salivating from the tempting treats, Iolaus asked, "Hey, Autolycus, do you mind if we had a bite to eat before we go?"

"Ah, sure. Go ahead. I'm not paying for it," Autolycus relented. Iolaus rushed toward the table with Autolycus and Hercules following close behind.

Tiny was at the table with another conventioneer. He was discussing the clues left at the scene. "It can't be Helena," Tiny said, "Princess Buttercup said she saw Barrabus, the Enforcer on stage just before the lights went out."

"It can't be Barrabus, you moron. He was standing next to me when the lights went out. Besides, he's left handed. The cut was made on Princess Buttercup's left side."

"So the thief had to be right handed." Iolaus said with interest as he stuffed a whipped pastry into his mouth. "You know, Herc. These are delicious. I wonder if it's the same caterer that did the wedding of Alcmene."

"Iolaus!" Hercules interjected, "you look like you're foaming at the mouth! Hand me the apple, will you?" Hercules asked deciding that a nutritious snack would be better than the fat-ladened one that Iolaus had chosen.

"Princess Buttercup was sure she saw him on stage. How could he be there and on the other side?" Tiny asked.

"You know come to think of it, Tiny," Autolycus chimed in, "I saw something funny just before the lights went out. In that mirror over there." He pointed to the large mirror that hung above the open bar. "You passed by it, but the reflection wasn't you. It was short, gray and ghoulish, like someone traveling on the highway to Hades, if you know what I mean."

"A ghost?" Tiny asked.

"A ghost?" Iolaus asked.

"Hey! This isn't the Cave of Echos here." Autolycus groused.

Hercules listened to the conversation with interest. Something odd was going on in this game, and he had an idea what it was. "I don't think it was a ghost, but I think I have an idea who it was," Hercules offered.

Autolycus asked as he grabbed the demigod. "Um.....Hercules. Could I see you over here?" The thief drew Hercules to one side. Iolaus followed the two, eavesdropping on the conversation. "Tell me and I'll give you half of the profits." Autolycus whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah. Promises. Promises." Iolaus shot back.

"Find your own informant, Shorty. Hercules is mine. Now you were saying..."

"Have you ever heard of the god Proteus?" Hercules asked.

"Yeah, sure. Changes shapes. Short, gray and ghoulish......" Autolycus hesitated, ".......well, I'll be the Mother of all Monsters!" he exclaimed. "You mean he stole the Emerald?"

"Very good, Hercules. Quite perceptive. And since you solved the mystery, you are entitled to the Emerald." The figure of Tiny spoke as it quickly morphed into the diminutive form of Proteus. He received some quizzical stares from Hercules, Iolaus and Autolycus.

"I always like to end my week with a Protean challenge," he finally defended as if answering an unasked question.

The Shape-shifting God held out the Emerald for Hercules to take. Autolycus' hands naturally reached for the beautiful, green gem but Proteus quickly pulled it away before the King of Thieves' sticky-fingers could light on the stone.

"Thanks, but no thanks, Proteus. I have no use for it. Donate it to the Widow and Orphan's fund where it can do some good." Hercules answered.

"Awe, come one Hercules. That's not fair," Autolycus whined as he began to walk away in defeat. "that is so not fair." He looked back at the demigod and his partner, pointing at them in righteous indignation. "See if I ever invite you to stay at another one of my parties."

He moaned as he walked off to suffer in solitude, "Why me? Why is it always me? What have I ever done to them?"

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