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Best Intentions
by Margui
BEST INTENTIONS
The hall was expansive, as tall as the Titans and just as old. After years of neglect, it now served as a museum for all ancient artifacts.
Of course, most of the items that were housed in the cavernous structure were of the pot and earthenware variety, amphoras, baskets as well as the bones from long forgotten beasts. The Titans and the people before them were simple folk and not nearly as ostentatious as the Olympians and their followers.
The location was chosen insomuch as the monetary value of the items in the museum would be of little interest to the King of Thieves, save one: a fictitious stone going by the name of the Titan's Tear.
Two men stood in the enormous hall, dwarfed by the giant structure; one man dwarfed by the other. The smaller one was full of nervous energy after charging into the venerated building.
"Remind me why we're doing this again?" Hercules asked his best friend and partner, Iolaus.
Iolaus reached into a sack and began dragging out party trinkets and decorations.
"Because it's Autolycus' birthday," he answered.
"And?" Hercules asked prodding Iolaus for more of an answer. The demigod knew how his partner felt about the King of Thieves.
"And I feel bad for causing the little injury to that rather large and pompous head of his."
"And?" Hercules continued.
"And causing him to loose his memory," Iolaus sighed, "Not that he had a winning personality to begin with," he mumbled under his breath.
Hercules laughed, but he wasn't finished with his rebuke, "And?"
"Okay. Sheesh," Iolaus said throwing his hands up in defeat. "And convincing him he was the sheik of Persia giving away his royal jewels, and I might add, stolen royal jewels, as a peace offering to other kingdoms."
"I thought so. You sure are going through a lot of trouble for someone you don't even like. And you know he`s vowed never to forgive you." Hercules announced.
"I can only wish," Iolaus said half in jest. He did feel a sense of obligation to make it up to the thief, especially after Autolycus' determined threat. Of course, Iolaus knew the thief's pride would prevent him from knowingly coming to his own birthday party, so Iolaus had to devise a scheme.
Hercules picked up a handful of colorful paper party favors, "What are these?"
"The salesgirl at the party store called them noise-makers."
Iolaus put one of the curled paper variety in his mouth and blew. The gold and blue rice paper trinket began to uncurl in an obnoxious "pppppllllaaaaat" as his breath filled the paper tunnel with air.
"I see." Hercules said as he gave him a quizzical look.
"I know what you're thinking, Herc. Why do we need these when we'll have Autolycus around? He`s such a blow hard."
Iolaus laughed, as Hercules continued to regard him with curiosity. Iolaus blew on the trinket once more, "Get it? Blow hard? Noise Makers? "
When the demigod's demeanor went unchanged, Iolaus shrugged and said, "You know, Hercules? Sometimes you are just no fun."
The door creaked open and Falafel walked into the museum with several trays of food stacked on his long and lanky arms. "I did what you asked Iolaus," he said.
"You got Falafel to cater the party?" Hercules asked incredulously.
"Hey, he was available and he comes cheap," Iolaus answered.
"I have chicken nuggets, and potato gems on this plate," Falafel said, "and venison medallions on this plate. When does the birthday boy arrive?"
"How do you even know today is Autolycus' birthday?" Hercules finally asked.
"Didn't you hear him? He told that bar wench in the tavern that today was his birthday and that he would be spending it all alone because he didn't have any friends. "
"Oh," Hercules said, "I must have missed that," then added skeptically, "You know, Iolaus. Maybe he was saying that just to get some sympathy out of the bar maid."
Iolaus wasn't listening to him. He had already dug into the bottom of the sack and pulled out a paper cone hat.
"Here. Wear this," he said handing the hat to Hercules. He pointed out the obvious with his index finger. "See, it says `Happy Birthday'."
He handed one to Falafel. "Ooh, pret-ty," the nominal chef said, smiling broadly to show every one of his rotting teeth. He quickly put the hat on.
Hercules took the paper hat from Iolaus' hands. "I'm not going to wear this," he answered back.
"Aw, come on. Don`t be a party pooper. Falafel likes his," Iolaus said as he grabbed the hat back from the demigod and struggled to put it on the tall man's head.
Hercules thought about putting up a fight, but decided to let Iolaus have his momentary fun. He folded his arms against his chest and waited impatiently as Iolaus slipped the paper cone onto his head.
Iolaus adjusted the hat and then stepped back to admire his handiwork.
"Aw. You look cute. Doesn`t he look cute, Falafel?"
The tall chef turned away from his food and nodded enthusiastically.
Hercules reached up and in one fluid movement took off the hat. "I told you. I'm not wearing the hat."
"Okay," Iolaus dismissed, "but you're explaining it to Autolycus when he arrives."
"That's right and you still have to get him here. Exactly what kind of trap did you set to lure Autolycus to your crazy little idea of a birthday party?" Hercules asked.
"Oh, Herc. The best one ever. It wasn't easy but I managed to track down a couple of buddies I used to run with when I was a kid. They're making sure to get the word of the Titan's Tear to Autolycus. He'll be here quicker than you can say Hermes' silver sandals."
$$$$$$$$$$$$
Autolycus was sitting down at a table in a dark and dank tavern nursing an ale and a bowl of hardy boar's stew. He stirred the thick, chunky liquid and sighed as he contemplated his life.
The thief was having a run of bad luck. First, he had gotten injured helping Iolaus and Hercules with a particularly delicate situation that required his kind of finesse. Helping Iolaus was a gesture of good will that the thief never felt comfortable about anyway, but Iolaus had to add insult to his injury when he coerced the thief to give away a good deal of his amassed collection of gems when it was clear that Autolycus wasn't thinking like himself. He vowed never to forgive the blond runt for that.
To top that off, his tactic of gaining some sympathy with the bar wench didn't work, so he was alone again for another evening.
He'd had such a dry spell with his thieving exploits and the ladies of late that he considered changing occupations and becoming a Hestian monk, and then he heard the two men at the table next to him.
"Did you hear about the colossal gem they found at the Titan's museum?" one man said to the other.
"Yep," he answered taking a sip of his brew, "they say it's as large as a Titan's tear. They're displaying it in the museum, you know."
"No, I didn't know that," the other said taking a bite out of a meaty rib. "What about security?"
"Only a simple lock and an old, practically deaf and blind museum guard. But you know Methuselus, don`t you?"
The thief's ears perked up. The whole town knew Methuselus. He was rumored to be the oldest man living, and most definitely feeble. But the last Autolycus had heard of Methuselus, he was greeting shoppers at the local market. Guarding the Titan's museum must be a new gig.
"Aren't they worried about thieves?"
"Evidently not," the other said shooting a quick glance toward Autolycus to see if he was taking the bait.
Autolycus was listening to every word with rapt attention, but when the man looked over toward the thief, Autolycus diverted his eyes toward his meal and began stirring his stew in the same absent manner he did before the two men sat down.
When the shill noticed the thief's attention he stuck his thumb up to signify to his partner that the plan had gone well. Autolycus was hooked.
$$$$$$$$$$$$
"Speaking of friends, Iolaus," Hercules interjected as he reluctantly helped Iolaus put up a Happy Birthday banner across the front door, "other than you and me, Salmoneus and maybe Xena and Gabrielle, I don't think Autolycus has any real friends. So who did you invite to this surprise party anyway?"
Iolaus' slapped his arm down in complete annoyance, dropping the left side of the banner to the ground. "That was you job," he announced.
"My job?"
"That's right. Your job. Come on," Iolaus beckoned, his hand fluttering in agitation. "Where's your list?"
Hercules brought out a small list that was hidden in the waist of his pants. He unfolded it and handed it to Iolaus.
Iolaus turned the list right side up and then pointed to the two items on the list. "See here, it says `Get Place' and `Find Friends'."
"Oh. Sorry," Hercules shrugged.
"Great. Just great. So you're telling me we don't have any guests for Autolycus' surprise party?"
"Surprise?" Hercules responded meekly.
"Fine. Just fine," Iolaus mumbled. "Autolycus will be here in a couple of hours and now I've got to go out and find him some friends."
"I think you'll need more than a few hours for that." Hercules joked.
Iolaus looked at him with defiance. His eyes narrowed menacingly. "I'll be back," he answered.
Iolaus was about to storm out of the museum when his two friends bounded in.
"He's coming. He's coming," one of them said as he shut and locked the door behind the other.
"Quick, Herc. The torches."
Between Iolaus and Hercules the seven torches that flanked the walls were quickly extinguished. Iolaus grabbed the last one off the wall so that he could see the surprised face of the guest of honor when he broke in.
As the last torch was snuffed out, the group of four inside the museum could hear the telltale signs of someone outside expertly picking the lock.
Autolycus arrived at the museum and briefly stood watch. He was practically salivating at the thought of procuring such a rare prize as the Titan's Tear and so easily, yet.
The streets were quiet, so the thief proceeded with the break-in. Pulling out his favorite lock pick from his tunic, he inserted the precision instrument into the lock and began listening for the satisfying click of success. It took him less than 30 seconds to hear it.
Autolycus looked both ways once again before sneaking into the building.
"Surprise!" Iolaus yelled alone as the thief tiptoed into the museum. Iolaus held the torch out in front of him.
"Talk about your Herculean set ups. I knew I should've taken a left turn at Plinth, and kept going," the thief confessed when he saw the anticipatory faces of Hercules and Iolaus. He couldn't believe Iolaus had set him up yet again.
Autolycus wouldn't wait for an explanation. He turned to high tail it out of the museum.
Iolaus handed the torch to Hercules and then ran up to the thief. He grabbed Autolycus on the shoulder before he could leave. "Autolycus wait," he pleaded.
"Why, you little snake in the grass. You set me up. Again. Tell me, what did I ever do to you?" he asked, and then began counting up all the transgressions he had made against Iolaus. "Second thought, nix that."
"No, Autolycus. It's not like that. It's a surprise party. For you. Happy birthday."
Iolaus edged Autolycus toward the crowd.
"Uh. Iolaus. You shouldn't have." Autolycus smiled to himself.
Iolaus nodded modestly. "Well, you know. I feel bad about what I did to you when you, well, weren`t yourself."
"No, Iolaus. I mean you shouldn't have. It's not my birthday."
"But you told the waitress in the tavern..."
"Like when did you start listening to me? I was trying to get a date, okay."
"Told you," Hercules whispered as he walked by Iolaus.
"A good sob story usually works, too. Zeus knows I have enough to complain about, what with you hitting me over the head, a gash as long as the Nile ," he bent over and pointed to the spot to remind Iolaus, "being swindled out of most of my fortune and well not to mention that nasty little rash a few weeks ago..."
Autolycus quickly noticed the lack of people at his party. "Hey? Where are the rest of the guests?"
Iolaus steered Autolycus by the plates of food. "Chicken nugget?" Iolaus asked. As Autolycus opened his mouth to answer, Iolaus quickly popped the small piece of poultry into the thief's mouth. He'd explain later, much later.
THE END
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