Hercules ex Machina

by Lys
Author's notes: Big thanks to Mary Crawford, LtLJ, elynross, and devo.
Written for uarazy2 in the Yuletide 2006 Challenge. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to figure out the crossover on your own.

This, Iolaus thought, was not one of his better days. Not as bad as the day he got beaten to death by the enforcer, or even the day he was almost beaten to death by the other enforcer, but definitely on par with the day he ran into Maceous' goons. And the trip had started off so promising, too.

When the messenger from Crete found them, it sounded like just a typical monster-slaying mission. And it was, too. The trip over was great; beautiful weather, great fishing off the boat, just enough wind to make good time. The monster turned out to be a canny wild boar. No match for his old hunter's tricks, naturally, especially with Herc around to lend a hand, but more than enough to terrify your average villager. And the villagers decided to celebrate with an impromptu festival. Roasted boar, the best wine, dancing, with Erinna, Nossis, Phoebe. . . no wait, Phoebe was married with a jealous husband. Corinna! That was it!

So why did Hercules have to drag him out of bed before the sun had even risen? They could've stayed an extra day, but noooo, he was bound and determined to get on the road before light. Honestly, was it Iolaus' fault that Anyte's mom had her sights set on Hercules as a future son-in-law? Or that she'd already started planning the wedding? So here he was, curled up in the bottom of an old rowboat while Herc put his demi-godly muscles to work leaving Crete and that old battle-axe behind as fast as he possibly could. Oh well, at least Iolaus didn't have to row, but still...

"Y'know, Herc, I've told you before, you've really got to learn how to say no." Iolaus grumped.

Hercules looked down at him. "You're talking to me again?" he asked. "And I did say no; that's why we're leaving."

"But we could've left later, got a nice hero's farewell."

"You mean after breakfast?" Hercules paused. "You're right, Iolaus, I should take you back right now. You're missing out on fried onions, aubergines, snails, and cheese, cuttlefish and smelt eggs... Iolaus? Iolaus? Are you okay? ... wow ... What did you drink last night? I've never seen that color before."

Iolaus could cheerfully have spent the rest of the trip ignoring Hercules. After being sick over the side of the boat, then taking a nap and baking out some of his aches and pains in the sun, he was finally starting to feel almost human. But Herc in a solicitous mood was something he knew full well how to take advantage of, and he was perfectly willing and able to hold on to his snit until the demi-god made it worth his while.

So he bided his time, idly watching the waves, and ignoring every one of Herc's attempts to start a conversation. He was just about to take pity on him when he saw something moving in the water. He sat up straight, then stood, shading his eyes, straining to see what was out there.

Hercules stopped rowing. "Iolaus? What is it?"

"Something big," Iolaus responded tersely. "Could be a ghidra."

"In the sea?" Hercules stood up on his end of the boat, automatically balancing against Iolaus' weight. "I've never seen a ghidra in the sea. Maybe it's a sea serpent?"

Iolaus stared at him, appalled. "You mean like the thing that ate you and Jason at your mother's wedding?"

They looked at each other, looked at the water trail, which was approaching much too fast for comfort, then abruptly sat down. Hercules rowed as fast as he could while Iolaus started gathering up their packs and weapons. He hooked his own pack over his arms, and tightened the straps on his scabbard, then ducked under the oars to fasten Herc's packs to his belt.

He kept an eye on the water at the same time, and was surprised when the trail suddenly ... stopped.

"It's gone," he reported. "Do you think it just lost interest?"

Before Herc could answer, there was a loud crash, a feeling of falling, and then nothing.

Iolaus opened his eyes to a scene out of Tartarus. Partially-digested fish, bits of flotsom from shipwrecks, a loud rhythmic pounding... And the stench! Gods! It was a good thing he'd already emptied the contents of his stomach.

Gradually he became aware that Hercules was holding his head out of the, well, water wasn't a very accurate description, but there was no way he was calling it anything else. "I'm okay," he choked, and started swimming in place. Hercules had a worried look plastered on his face, but relaxed his grip.

"This way," Hercules said, as he swam off to the side. "I think I heard something."

Iolaus followed him as he pushed aside a crow's nest, then slammed into his back as Hercules stopped moving. Peering over Herc's shoulder, he saw a man. A live man. He looked about as disgusting as Iolaus felt, but was calmly holding on to a floating barrel and chanting.

Iolaus looked at Hercules, and they both swam over and took hold of the barrel, one on each side to balance the load. Kicking through that stuff was tiring, and Iolaus didn't want to spend any longer with his face in it than he had to.

"So how long have you been down here?" Iolaus asked. Nothing but continued chanting. "Hello? Do you understand me?"

"Maybe he doesn't speak Greek, Iolaus."

"Oh, come on, Herc. Everybody speaks Greek!" He turned back to the man and started waving his free hand in front of his face. "Hey! Wakey-wakey! You've got company!"

Finally the man stopped and looked at him. "Yes, I hear you. What do you require?"

Iolaus looked at Hercules. This guy was obviously traumatized, and traumatized victims were Herc's job. Well, unless they were beautiful women.

Hercules smoothly stepped in to the conversation. "Hi, I'm Hercules, and this is my friend Iolaus. Um... do you realize that you're inside a sea serpent?"

The man looked at Hercules as if he were the traumatized one.

"Yes," he said gently. "I've been here for quite some time, since I was thrown off a ship. My name is Jonah."

"Why would they throw you off a ship? Even Iolaus hasn't managed to get thrown off a ship yet!"

"Very funny, Herc."

"I am a Hebrew and worship Adonai, the God of Heaven," Jonah explained. "Adonai commanded me to preach at Ninevah, but I disobeyed and took ship to Tarshish. When the storm arose, I confessed, and told the sailors to throw me overboard to save their own lives."

Hercules was quiet, dangerously so. "And they did this."

"Well, yes, as you can see."

"And you're still praying for your god to help you?"

"No, I'm praying for thanksgiving. I'm alive, aren't I? And I can complete my task once released from this fish."

Without another word, Hercules reached over to Iolaus, pulled his sword out of the scabbard, and started swimming for the creature's side. Treading water with his powerful legs, he swung the sword over his head and sliced deeply into the flesh. Blood gushed from the wound, and the beast jerked, almost knocking them loose from the barrel.

Oh great, Iolaus thought. This was just what he needed. A monster, a scary priest-guy, and a demi-god having a tantrum.

Hercules swung again, building up a rhythm, and started yelling in counterpoint. "I am ... so tired ... of these stupid gods ... and their petty need to ... mess with everybody's lives!"

Jonah stared at Hercules, then looked warily over at Iolaus. "Is ... he alright?"

"He's got some family issues is all," Iolaus said. "Just ignore him and hang on." Iolaus wasn't really worried about the monster; he'd seen Hercules take on bigger ones. On the other hand... "Watch out for that blade, Herc!" he yelled over. "I just sharpened it last week!"

As Hercules kept hacking and yelling, Iolaus found himself tossed around like leaves on a stream. Several times the barrel sunk under the surface, but he clung like a barnacle until it bobbed back up to the surface. Iolaus was just about ready to lose whatever was left of dinner when he heart Herc give a triumphant yell that was quickly cut off. Iolaus looked over in time to see his friend sucked through the hole in the creature's side, and then he and barrel were following.

As he surfaced, hacking and sputtering, he was relieved to see that Jonah had managed to retain his grip as well. Hercules was just a short distance away, swimming back towards them. He was still muttering under his breath, but Iolaus simply ignored that and climbed up on his shoulders to get a look around.

He cannonballed back into the water. "Hey Herc, there's a city straight towards the horizon. Let's get this thing turned around."

Together they rotated the barrel so Hercules could get at a narrow end, then Iolaus hooked his arm over the top, motioning to Jonah to do the same on the other side. After all, if you've got a demi-god willing and able to provide all your locomotion, you might as well take him up on it. They held on, and in a short while, Hercules had propelled them to the docks. They climbed up next to some bemused sailors and started wringing out their clothes.

Iolaus was pleasantly surprised to learn that the serpent had carried them to Byzantion. Although he'd been through the Bosporus when he travelled to Chi'n, he hadn't had a chance to do any sight-seeing. He still had his pouch with enough dinars to really enjoy himself, once his leathers dried out.

Hercules had finally stopped muttering, but Iolaus could tell he was still in rescue mode, and trying to decide what to do about Jonah. But before he could do anything, Jonah set off walking.

Hercules grabbed him by the arm. "Where are you going?"

"Why, to Nineveh, of course," Jonah responded. "Now that Adonai has released me from the serpent's belly, I must do my duty."

"But your god didn't do anything!" Hercules cried. "It was me! I got us out of there!"

"Hey, I helped too!" Iolaus' complaint was half-hearted at best. He'd already spotted a tavern across the road and was considering the best way to drag Hercules off with him.

Jonah smiled at them both. "You did as Adonai planned, and now I do as I am commanded." Then he removed Hercules' hand, turned, and walked away.

As Herc stood there dumbfounded, Iolaus planted both hands on his back and shoved him in the right direction. "C'mon, big guy. There's a tankard over there with your name on it."

Guess his day was looking up after all.

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