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  Ill Met In Tartarus 
 by Deborah Wright  
 


 Part 1

 "I won't do it!" Hercules crossed his arms over his chest and glared at
Jason.

 "Hercules, you're the only one who can. You know that." Jason sighed and
looked at Iolaus. "See if you can talk some sense into him."

 Iolaus snorted. "Oh yeah, like that'll happen."

 Jason shook his head in exasperation. "You heard what Tydeus said.
Poseidon is furious with Hades for trapping Theseus and in his anger he's
making it impossible for the fishermen to take out their ships. No ships
mean no catch. And that means the fishermen have no fish to sell and the
people have nothing to buy. Everyone's suffering." He glanced at the
humble fisherman standing several feet away staring at them curiously.

 "I don't see why it has to be me," Hercules grumbled.

 "Because Hades will listen to you." Jason hid a smile.

 "I don't care. I'm not going to the Other Side to get Theseus and that's
final." Hercules said stubbornly. "Somebody else can rescue my half-wit
cousin from his latest disaster."

 Jason threw his hands up. "You don't even know why he went there in the
first place. Maybe Theseus had a good reason."

 "Oh right," said Hercules sarcastically. "Theseus always has a good
reason. At least he always thinks he does. I've never understood how he
manages to convince himself that his half-baked ideas are 'good reasons.'
And I don't care. It might do that idiot some good to be stuck in Tartarus
for awhile."

 Jason frowned. He'd expected Hercules to balk at rescuing Theseus, but
this was going too far. He glanced at Iolaus and had a sudden suspicion
what might be wrong. "I guess it's up to you and me, Iolaus," he said in
mock resignation.

 Iolaus turned to him in surprise. "What?"

 Jason winked at him surreptitiously. "Uh-huh. We'll have to find a way to
the underworld and bring Theseus back. You've been there a few times. You
think you can convince Hades to let us all go once we're there?"

 Iolaus raised his eyebrows and stared at Jason for a long moment and then
looked off into space as if considering the situation. "Hmm. I guess I
might be able to find Hades at that. I'm not sure he'll listen to me,
though. He wasn't real happy about me leaving the last time. Said I
screwed up his inventory."

 "Now wait just a minute!" Hercules exclaimed. "You are not going to the
underworld. You can't. I won't allow it."

 Iolaus frowned, arms akimbo. "You won't allow it? Since when do you
'allow' me to do anything?"

 "I didn't mean it like that," Hercules said hurriedly. "I just meant that
it's a bad idea...that you can't...you shouldn't..." His words trailed off
in confusion.

 Jason turned his laugh to a cough at the chagrined expression on
Hercules' face. "That's settled, then. We'll start tomorrow. Hercules, why
don't you let Tydeus know that everything will be all right? Iolaus and I
have some planning to do." He clapped an arm around Iolaus' shoulders and
quickly drew him away towards the house.

 Once inside, Iolaus turned to Jason curiously. "So, you really want to
visit Hades?"

 Jason shook his head. "No."

 "No? Then what was that all about out there?"

 "Didn't Hercules' reaction strike you as a bit...odd?" Jason asked
carefully as he watched his friend.

 Iolaus shrugged and grabbed an apple from a bowl sitting on a small table
in the entryway. Around bites of apple he said, "You weren't there the
last time he had to bail Theseus out of trouble. It wasn't pretty." He
chuckled. "Somehow Theseus heard that there was a monster terrorizing the
countryside around Deimos. Theseus decided it sounded like a harpy. Of
course, the real story is that it was just a crazy old woman living alone
out in the country, but Theseus managed to convince himself otherwise and
he succeeded in getting the townsfolk all riled up. They'd been taking her
their petitions, you see."

 Jason groaned. "Let me guess. They thought she was an oracle?"

 Iolaus nodded, his eyes bright with mirth. "They were after Theseus, who
really didn't understand what he'd done wrong. He still thought he should
go back and kill the 'monster.' So, there's Theseus being chased by irate
townsfolk and the magistrate all set to have him strung up for desecrating
their 'oracle that could have been as big a draw as the one at Delphi.'"
Iolaus said in sonorous tones.

 Jason bent over with laughter. "How did Hercules find out?"

 "Herc was helping some family in a neighboring village and heard about
it. He barely managed to get to Deimos in time to keep them from lynching
Theseus. He ended up having to agree to do all the major repair work that
needed to be done in the town and he had to guarantee that Theseus would
never set foot there again."

 "That sounds pretty light if you ask me," Jason said and smiled.

 "Yeah, but you know Theseus. He stuck to Herc like glue and complained
all the way out of town about how he'd have been a big hero if Hercules
hadn't come along and stopped him. When Herc pointed out that the
'monster' wasn't a harpy or even a monster at all, Theseus asked him how
he was supposed to have known that. After all, he'd never actually seen a
harpy before." Iolaus swiped at his eyes. "By the time they got to Thebes,
Herc was ready to carry him back to Deimos and let them have him."

 Jason leaned against the wall and laughed helplessly. "That's almost as
good as the time Theseus mistook the King's prize bull for a Minotaur at
the festival in Crete. I never thought I'd see the day that Hercules could
be that frustrated."

 Iolaus shook his head. "It wouldn't be so bad if Theseus didn't mean
well. It's just that everything always seems to end up really wrong
somehow. And Theseus never seems to understand that it's his own fault. I
think that's what gets to Herc more than anything."

 "I don't think that's what's got him upset this time," Jason said, all
traces of humor gone from his voice.

 Iolaus frowned. "Why?"

 Jason rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly unsure of himself. "You tell
me. Didn't his reaction seem kind of extreme to you?" Come on Iolaus, he
thought, work with me here.

 "I guess. Maybe." Iolaus shrugged. "I don't know."

 "Have you ever known Hercules to refuse to help?"

 "Well," Iolaus drawled the word out, "not really. I just figured he'd
eventually get over his feelings about it being Theseus and go get him.
Why? What is it you're not saying, Jason?"

 He sighed. "I really hoped you'd see it. I think Hercules is refusing to
go get Theseus because of you."

 "That's ridiculous!" Iolaus protested. "What do I have to do with it?"

 "Think about it," Jason said wearily. "You've just come back. From the
dead, Iolaus. You don't know how it was with Hercules while you were, ah,
gone."

 "How was it?" His voice was quiet, but Jason heard more than what his
friend said.

 Jason closed his eyes against the painful memories and swallowed heavily.
"I haven't seen him so out of control since his family died." He opened
his eyes to see Iolaus staring at him with a stunned expression on his
face.

 "Why didn't he say something? I knew he was upset about it, but I figured
he'd have gotten over it."

 "He felt responsible for what happened to you. The guilt was destroying
him. After awhile he managed to control it, but it was always with him. It
still is." Jason sighed. "The worst was when he brought your double back
from that alternate world. Hercules kept saying that he wasn't trying to
replace you, that he was just trying to give the guy a chance at a better
life. You should have seen how miserable he was. Your double, I mean. He
felt like everyone was comparing him to you and he came up lacking. And
Hercules really wasn't any happier."

 "I had no idea." Iolaus looked thoughtful. "And you think Herc doesn't
want to go to the underworld because of me?"

 Jason nodded. "You know you'd insist on going with him. He's afraid that
he'll lose you there. I don't think he could go through that again and
stay sane. Haven't you noticed how careful he's been about your safety
since you've been back?"

 Iolaus turned and began pacing the small entryway. "Well, he's got to
stop worrying about me like that. I can take care of myself. And if
something happens to me, then it happens." He stopped and faced Jason with
a determined expression on his face. "And he's got to stop thinking he can
tell me what I can and can't do."

 "I know that, but Hercules is going to be harder to convince."

 "Then maybe you and I'll just have to go visit Hades," Iolaus said, a
stubborn look in his eyes.

 Jason rubbed the side of his face. "Uh, Iolaus? I only said that to make
Hercules see what a fool he's acting. I thought he'd burst in here and
insist on going."

 "He hasn't though, has he? So I guess it's up to you and me. When Herc
sees that I can manage to visit the Other Side and come back again without
his help maybe he'll stop being so stupid about things." Iolaus crossed
his arms and scowled.

 "That is if we get back," Jason muttered under his breath. He put his
hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. His brilliant idea was turning
out to be not quite so brilliant after all.

 Part 2

 Hercules skidded to a halt at the edge of the forest, his breath making
puffs of mist in the crisp air. He'd run all the way from the farm, taking
the direct route rather than following the roundabout path. Normally he
would have enjoyed a run on such a beautiful morning, but Jason's reply to
his innocent query as to the whereabouts of their friend had precipitated
his headlong rush. And now that he'd reached his destination he was
strangely reluctant to step out from the concealing shadows of the trees
into the bright sunlight of the crossroads.

 He looked across the opening at the cause of that reluctance. A man
dressed in leather pants and a purple vest sat cross-legged on the ground.
His elbows propped on his knees; his chin rested on his fists. Sunlight
glinted off his blond curls. His gaze was focused on the obelisk rising
into the air before him, an impassive expression on his face.

 "Are you going to hide there all day?" he asked without turning to face
Hercules.

 "Iolaus," Hercules said his name hesitantly as he stepped out onto the
path. "Jason told me that you took off before he could explain about this.
He said you looked upset. I meant to tell you about it, but it never
seemed to be the right time." He gestured to the obelisk.

 Iolaus turned his head and looked up at him with bright eyes. "It's a
pretty good likeness, don't you think?"

 Hercules blinked in surprise. He glanced at the bas relief figure on the
obelisk and then back at his friend. "Yes. Of course it is. It should be.
I commissioned Phidias to carve it."

 "Phidias," Iolaus said, a considering tone in his voice. "Phidias of
Athens or Mykonos?"

 "Athens."

 "Good choice. He's the best in Greece."

 Hercules shifted his weight uneasily. Iolaus was far too...calm. "Well, I
wanted to make sure it was done right."

 "Uh-huh." Iolaus transferred his gaze back to the obelisk. Slowly he
stood up, his eyes never leaving the block. He tilted his head and reached
out to trace the face emerging from the stone with his fingers. His hand
dropped and he rounded on Hercules, eyes flashing.

 "How could you?" he demanded.

 "What do you mean, 'how could I?' It was the least I could do," Hercules
said guiltily. He put his hands up in front of him. "I-I just wanted there
to be something people could see to remember you, what you meant to me.
What a hero you were."

 Iolaus shook his head. "Herc, I never wanted a monument. Sure, I always
wanted people to recognize my name instead of calling me 'that blond guy
that follows Hercules around.'" He threw his hands in the air and then let
them settle on his hips.

 "I didn-"

 "Let me finish. When all's said, we've done a lot of good over the years.
The people we've helped do remember me. And my friends know who I
was...am. The good that we've accomplished will live on after us, Herc.
That's all the memorial I want or need." He looked at Hercules earnestly.

 Hercules said harshly, "You don't understand. I had to do something.
Don't you see? I couldn't bring you back this time. I couldn't even find
you. I'd failed you. The only thing I had left was to honor your memory. I
had to do it."

 Iolaus stilled and his gaze turned inward. After a long moment he put his
hand on Hercules' arm. "Jason told me some of what you went through after
Sumeria. I'm sorry," he said softly. "But Herc, you didn't fail me. You've
never failed me. You couldn't. You're my best friend. Promise me you'll
stop thinking it was your fault."

 Hercules ducked his head and sighed. Might as well promise to stop
breathing, he thought.

 "Look. At least promise me that next time you'll think twice before
putting up another one of these," Iolaus added in exasperation.

 "If you're sure that's what you want," Hercules said softly.

 "Yeah. That's what I want."

 "It's a deal." He reached out and clasped his friend's arm firmly.

 Iolaus bounced on his toes. "C'mon. Let's go back to Jason's and see what
he's got for breakfast. I'm starving."

 Hercules smiled. Together they turned away from the obelisk as one and
walked off down the path.

 "If you just had to create a monument to my greatness, why in Tartarus
did you put it out here in the middle of nowhere? Why didn't you put it in
the middle of a busy city? I mean, who's gonna see it out here?" Iolaus
grinned and ducked as Hercules took a quick swipe at him with his arm.
"Hey! Maybe we could move this one. You know, send it to Iphicles so he
could put it in a place of honor in the palace? Or better yet, in the
square in Corinth. Whaddaya think?"

 Hercules laughed. "I think it's good to have you back, buddy."

 "Yeah. So, have you changed your mind about helping Jason and me go get
Theseus?"

 Hercules stopped short and folded his arms over his chest. "No. And
you're not going to the Other Side, either."

 Iolaus turned to face him. "I thought we just settled all that nonsense,"
he said with a scowl.

 "This is different," Hercules insisted. "You don't have to go there and
neither do I. Theseus wants to be a hero, let him get himself out of his
predicament."

 Iolaus shook his head. "You know that's not about to happen. Herc, what
is the matter with you? Didn't you listen to Tydeus yesterday? Do you
really think Poseidon's rage will end after making a few storms? The
longer Hades holds Theseus, the madder Poseidon's gonna be."

 "Poseidon'll lose interest in worrying about Theseus eventually. He's got
a short attention span you know." Hercules narrowed his eyes.

 "Eventually? And how many people are going to be hurt before 'eventually'
comes?" Iolaus asked in disgust. "Fine. Stay here. I guess Jason and I
will just have to take care of it without you." He turned abruptly and
trotted down the path.

 "Iolaus! Iolaus, wait up!" Hercules called. Damn it! Why did Iolaus have
to be so stubborn? He wasn't about to risk losing him again. Not like
this. He sighed and ran after his friend.

 

 Persephone hesitated before opening the door. True, Hades had left the
Palace to deal with an administrative problem in Tartarus, but he wouldn't
be at all happy with her if he found out she'd talked to the man in the
next room by herself. And he'd been so grouchy lately. She lifted her head
and squared her shoulders. The only way to straighten this out was to find
out the whole story. And the only way to do that was to talk to him. She
turned the doorknob and stepped into the room.

 A dark haired man sat slouched forward in a delicate gilt trimmed chair,
staring at the ornate rug under his feet. He lifted his gaze and his glum
expression changed to one of hopefulness as he recognized who had entered
the room. He stood immediately, knocking the chair over in his rush.
Awkwardly he turned to right the chair and accidentally kicked it back
into the wall, causing one fragile leg to splinter. He glanced back over
his shoulder at her with a guilty look in his eyes and reached out for the
chair once more.

 "Theseus," she said, resignation creeping into her voice, "just leave
it."

 "I'm sorry, Persephone," he said, hanging his head and gazing at her with
those soft brown eyes of his. He looked and sounded for all the world like
a little boy who had just broken his mother's favorite vase. "I really
didn't mean to--"

 "I know," she interrupted. "It's all right. The chair isn't important."
She gestured to a sofa on the other side of the room. "Why don't we sit
over there? I need to talk to you."

 She waited for him to sit. She'd learned in the short time that he'd been
with them to let Theseus go first. Otherwise he felt compelled to attempt
to help her and that invariably led to some minor mishap. She sat down
next to him once he'd settled himself on the sofa.

 "So, have you changed your mind?" Theseus asked eagerly.

 Persephone sighed. "What could possibly make you think that I would want
to leave Hades?"

 "Because you don't love him. You love me."She stared at him. "Theseus,
where did you ever get the idea that I'm in love with you?"

 "From Demeter," he said bewildered.

 "From my mother? Why on earth would you think that mother said such a
thing?" Persephone frowned.

 "She told my friend Pirithous that you told her so and then he told me.
Hades is holding you here against your will and preventing us from being
together. So, I've come to rescue you," he said stubbornly.

 "Theseus," she said gently, "I don't need rescuing. I'm very much in love
with Hades and I'm quite content here with him. Mother knows this. In
fact, the last time I was home she even mentioned that I seem to be
thriving with him. She's coming around to accepting our relationship. I'm
afraid your friend must have misunderstood."

 "But, that can't be. Pirithous was really quite insistent about what he
heard. I've got to rescue you," he said desperately. "It's what a hero
does."

 She rubbed at her temples with her fingers. "A true hero wouldn't
'rescue' someone against her will, would he? Isn't that considered
kidnapping?"

 "K-kidnapping?" he stammered. His brows came together in a perplexed
frown. "You mean you really don't want to leave? I can't rescue you?"

 He sounded so disappointed that Persephone nearly laughed out loud. She
caught herself just in time. Theseus had some obvious self-esteem issues,
she thought. It wouldn't do for her to make them any worse.

 "I'm really not in need of a rescue," she said softly. "Though I do
appreciate your concern."

 "Then you don't love me. You're in love with Hades," he said forlornly.

 Persephone touched his arm briefly. "Yes. I am in love with Hades. I'm
sorry, Theseus. But I don't believe that you're in love with me. Are you?"

 Theseus hung his head. "I like you an awful lot Persephone."

 "That's not enough, though."

 He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I just thought if I rescued you
then everyone would know that I was a hero. And then they'd stop making
fun of me." His misery was palpable.

 Persephone cocked her head and considered his words. She'd heard the
stories, of course. But she'd always thought Theseus was either too thick
or, like Perseus, too full of himself to understand that he was the butt
of jokes. It seemed that she'd misjudged him. They'd just have to do
something about that, she thought practically. Hades always said she was
too soft hearted, but it only made sense to her to try to help him.
Otherwise Theseus was going to keep doing outrageous things in misguided
attempts to show people that he truly was a hero. And it was only a matter
of time before some innocent got hurt in the crossfire.

 "Well, we'll just have to think of another way to show people your heroic
side." She stood and held out her hand to him. Firmly she said, "But first
you're going to have to apologize to Hades."

 Part 3

 "Taenarus," Jason said dubiously. "Are you sure this is the only way?"

 "No, but it's the quickest way I could think of that didn't involve,"
Iolaus raised his hand and ticked his points off on his fingers, "the
gods, Hercules, or dying."

 "And this is it, is it?" Jason glanced around the small cave.

 "It's the entrance, anyway." Iolaus grinned.

 Jason shook his head. "I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't
this. You'd think the way to the underworld would be more impressive
somehow."

 "Oh, it gets better." Iolaus strode forward confidently and picked up a
torch from the floor of the cave. He rummaged in his carry sack, pulled
out a flint and soon had it lit. "Come on. We have to go a lot further
into the heart of the mountain before we reach the vents. That's where the
fun starts."

 Jason stared at his friend's retreating back for a moment and then
reluctantly followed him. "Just how is it you know so much about this
place? I didn't think you'd ever used this particular route to the Other
Side before."

 "I haven't, exactly," said Iolaus, an evasive note in his voice. "But
after all the experiences I've had with, ah, being dead and such, I kind
of got curious. Just in case."

 "Just in case what?" Jason frowned.

 "Oh, you know," Iolaus said breezily and waved his hand in the air. "In
case I ever needed to go visit the Other Side on my own for something. And
I guess I was right, because here we are."

 "Yeah," Jason muttered under his breath. "Here we are. What was I
thinking?"

 They'd left the farm three days earlier without persuading Hercules to
change his mind. Hercules was sure that they'd never make it to the
underworld without him and all Iolaus would tell Jason was that he had a
way in mind. After they'd been on the trail for a day he'd finally
confessed that his plan was to use the entrance to the Other Side that led
through Taenarus. Taenarus was supposed to be a myth, Jason thought
ruefully. Trust Iolaus to have found out otherwise and know how to get
here.

 They continued on in silence, occasionally coming to a fork in the path
through the cave complex. Iolaus never hesitated about which turn to take.
Jason's suspicion that Iolaus had been here before deepened to surety. If
his friend didn't want to talk about it, Jason wasn't about to push him.
If he needed to know he was sure that Iolaus would tell him.

 Eventually they reached a large cavern. The flickering torchlight cast
shadows over the uneven floor and wind whistled loudly through the open
space. Iolaus halted and handed the torch to Jason.

 "Be careful where you step," he said. "The vents to the underworld are
just over there." He pointed into the shadows.

 "Is that what's causing the wind?" Jason asked. He strained to see across
the cavern into the shadows where Iolaus had pointed.

 "Yeah. It's strong enough to lift a man, so unless you want to
investigate the ceiling in here, you probably want to stay away from
them." Iolaus lowered his carry sack to the ground and knelt down beside
it.

 Jason frowned and folded his arms across his chest. "Just how are we
supposed to use them to get to the Other Side then?"

 Iolaus flashed a grin at him over his shoulder. "You just have to know
how it all works. Don't worry. I've got it covered." He lifted two loaves
of honey-soaked barley bread out of his sack and handed them to Jason.
"Put these in your sack. If you get hungry be sure to eat only them and
nothing else." He pulled a pouch out of the sack and hefted it in his
hand.

 Jason nodded soberly. "I know the rules. Eat anything from the underworld
and you're stuck there. You still haven't explained how we're getting
there yet."

 Iolaus stood and carefully slung his sack across his chest. He
double-checked the knots and when he was satisfied he turned to face
Jason. "Not all of the vents carry the wind. The trick is to find the one
that allows passage without getting caught in any of the others. The noise
can be deafening and it isn't like you can just put your hand out over an
opening without getting blown away."

 Jason raised an eyebrow. "So how do you figure out which is the right
one?"

 Iolaus opened the mouth of the pouch and pulled out a small smooth river
rock. "Like this." He carelessly tossed the rock at one of the vents.
Within seconds they heard a sharp crack from the ceiling of the cave.

 Jason chuckled. "Very clever."

 Iolaus shrugged. "Old hunter's trick." He stepped toward the vents.
"Follow me. Just be careful how close you get to those things."

 They cautiously skirted the first ring of vents, testing each with a
stone and then moved on to the interior. They discovered the one they
wanted near the center. The tossed stone clattered against the rocks as it
fell. Iolaus got down on his stomach and peered over the edge. Jason
handed him the torch and knelt to hold onto his legs as he inched his way
out over the center of the vent to investigate what lay below.

 "Looks like it's not too long of a drop down to the path. I think we can
just hang over the edge here and let go." Iolaus motioned for Jason to
help him back from the hole.

 "Great," Jason said sourly. "And just how is it that we're supposed to
get out again?"

 "Well," Iolaus said with a grin, "I suppose we could ride one of the
vents back up, but I'm hoping we'll find an easier way once we're down
there."

 Jason sighed to himself. "This just keeps getting better and better."

 

 "Charon. Hey! Long time no see. How's life with the dead treating you?"
Iolaus put his hands on his hips and smiled.

 "Oh. It's you again." Charon turned away in disgust, the tatters of his
robe fluttering around him. "I told Hades the other day that he might just
as well install a revolving door in this place. In and out. In and out.
What's the point of having an underworld if people don't stay dead?"

 Jason stared at the ferryman, fascinated by his appearance and manner.
Iolaus caught Jason's eye and jerked his head toward the boat. They
quietly stepped aboard while Charon's back was turned.

 "Hey! Did I say you could have a ride?" Charon asked indignantly. "Pay
up, buster, or I'll toss you into the Styx. And I mean everything you owe
me. Not just for this trip."

 "This was your idea," Jason said to Iolaus out of the side of his mouth.
"Now what?"

 Iolaus grinned. "Now, Charon, don't be like that. We're here to do you a
favor."

 "Me? I don't need any favors." Charon narrowed his eyes. "Just what kind
of favor were you planning on doing? Last time you did me a favor Hades
wouldn't talk to me for a month. Not that he's much of a scintillating
conversationalist in the best of times, but that time he was really mad."

 "It's not like that," Iolaus protested. "In fact, this favor will make
Hades very happy."

 "Eventually," Jason muttered.

 Charon crossed his arms. "What is it?" he asked suspiciously. "Not that I
don't trust you, but I don't trust you."

 "We've come to take Theseus off Hades' hands." Iolaus assumed an innocent
expression.

 "And that's supposed to make Hades happy?" Charon snorted. "Hades is
plenty happy right now making his life miserable."

 "Really? I'd have thought Theseus would've driven him to distraction by
now." Iolaus raised an eyebrow.

 "OK, so maybe Hades isn't a bundle of laughs at the moment," Charon
grumbled. "And maybe he's spending too much time in Tartarus. But he's not
going to be any happier if you rescue Theseus. And who'll be blamed? Me,
that's who."

 "Isn't Persephone in the underworld right now?" Iolaus asked.

 "Yeah. Why?" Charon frowned.

 "Well, if Hades is spending a lot of time in Tartarus while Persephone is
here, just think what he'll be like when she goes home to Demeter." Iolaus
turned to Jason. "If you only had six months with your wife and you ended
up spending most of it without her wouldn't you be even angrier when that
six months was up?"

 Jason nodded solemnly.

 Iolaus pursed his lips. "I'd guess that if Hades is spending all his time
in Tartarus, then Persephone must have insisted that Theseus stay at the
Palace. I can see how very happy that would make Hades."

 Charon threw his hands in the air. "All right, all right. I'll take you
across. Not that I agree with you. But if I don't take you, you're gonna
talk me to death anyway." He turned back to the Shades waiting on shore.
"I'll be back for you next. Don't get any ideas that this is a free ride.
You'll pay or you won't cross." He picked up his long pole and climbed
aboard. He shoved the boat off into the river and began singing loudly and
distinctly off key.

 Iolaus grinned at Jason. They'd made it this far; maybe they actually had
a chance to pull this off. Jason shook his head. Yeah. Right. Well, they
were in the thick of it now, so he might as well jump in with both feet,
he thought. Next stop, Hades' Palace.

 Part 4

 Hercules wiped the sweat from his forehead and reached behind him for the
final sheaf of thatch. He carefully placed it under the section he'd just
attached and tied it off, critically examining his work for flaws. If he
was going to punish himself by fixing the barn roof in the middle of a hot
afternoon he was damn sure he was going to do a thorough job of it. The
layers of the thatch were thick and tight. No rain or wind would get
through the area he'd patched. The barn animals would be cozy and happy
tonight, he thought. Happier than he'd be, at any rate. He sighed to
himself and sat back on his heels. He'd made the right decision. So why
did he feel so guilty?

 It had been well over a week since Jason and Iolaus had left on their
hare-brained mission to rescue Theseus, and he hadn't heard a word about
what was happening with them. There was simply no way they could have
gotten to the Other Side without him. Normally he would have expected them
to give up and return by now, but he was pretty sure that Iolaus was mad
enough at him to make Jason stay out an extra week just to try to teach
him a lesson.

 "Hercules!"

 He peered over the edge of the roof at the young farmhand standing in the
middle of the barnyard. "Up here."

 The boy's eyes were wide and his face anxious as he looked up at
Hercules. "Th-there's someone here to see you," he stuttered.

 Hercules frowned. "Who?"

 "H-he wouldn't say. But I think you should come see him." He glanced
fearfully over his shoulder.

 "All right. Take it easy. I'm coming down." Hercules slid to the edge of
the roof and jumped lightly to the ground. He brushed his hands off on his
pants and smiled encouragingly at the lad. "Now, where's this visitor?"

 "He's at the house." The boy gulped. "On the porch. I-I wouldn't let him
go inside."

 "You wouldn't let him..." He raised an eyebrow. "Stay here. I'll take
care of this." He strode quickly toward the house only to come to a halt
when the porch came in sight.

 "Hey, Herc! How's it hangin'?" The visitor sat on the railing with his
back against the post and one leg dangling. He smiled slightly at the wary
expression that crossed Hercules' face.

 "Thanatos," Hercules said cautiously. "What are you doing here? And why
are you dressed like that?"

 Thanatos plucked at his brightly hued vest and shrugged. "Vacation. Think
the colors in the pants clash too much with the vest?" A shock of light
brown hair flopped down over his dark eyes and he shoved it back with his
fingers.

 "Vacation?" Hercules shook his head. "Since when do you get a vacation?"

 "Since Hades has been too busy dealing with your friends and relatives to
send me out on assignments." Thanatos cocked his head. "Thought I'd come
for a visit. See how the upper half live for a change. After all, I
usually only see how they die. And it seemed like a change of threads was
in order. You know, your basic black is way too somber for having fun."

 "Visit?" Hercules asked, puzzled. His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean
'dealing with my friends?'" His expression hardened and he stepped forward
onto the porch.

 "Whoa!" Thanatos sat up and put up his hands to forestall any sudden
violence to his person. "I didn't say it was anything bad, exactly. You
know that Theseus is at the Palace as, er, Hades' guest?"

 "So I heard. What's this about my friends?" Hercules demanded.

 Thanatos affected surprise. "I was told that you knew they were headed
for the underworld. You know, Jason and Iolaus? Well, anyway, now that
there's a house full of company Hades is just too busy with the
entertainment schedule to pay much attention to his duties. So here I am."
He frowned down at his pants. "Now that I've had time to consider, I do
think this shade of orange is too overpowering for the fuchsia in my
vest." He passed his hand over the material. His pants changed to a soft
shade of blue and he smiled at the result.

 "Are you telling me that Jason and Iolaus made it to the Other Side?"
Hercules asked through clenched teeth. Now he knew why he hadn't heard any
news of the two of them. "Are they all right?"

 Thanatos waved a negligent hand in the air. "The last I saw they were
fine. Getting a little hungry by now, perhaps, but fine. Hades was a bit
put out that they'd managed to find the entrance through Taenarus, but
Persephone convinced him to welcome them to the Palace. I can't say the
same for Theseus."

 Hercules passed a hand over his face and steeled himself for the rest.
Thanatos was having far too good a time with his news and it was obvious
that he wasn't about to come right out with it. He was going to make
Hercules dig for it. "What's wrong with Theseus?" he asked reluctantly.

 "Oh, nothing's wrong with him. Not wrong. Well, not really." Thanatos
chuckled.

 "Thanatos," Hercules warned.

 "Oh all right. Hades put him in the Chair of Forgetfulness. He must have
made Hades pretty mad, because I've never heard of him using it before."
He leaned back against the post and swung his free leg slowly.

 "Chair of Forgetfulness?" Hercules asked, puzzled. "I don't remember
there being... Oh. That." He closed his eyes briefly. He opened them to
find Thanatos gazing at him with a sympathetic expression on his face.

 "Uh-huh. That."

 "I'm going to have to go fix this, aren't I?" Hercules asked, resignation
in his voice.

 "Oh, I dunno. You do have a choice, you know." Thanatos gave him a
lopsided grin. "Let's see. You could just stay here. Then Theseus stays in
the chair. Jason and Iolaus live in the Palace until they die, which is
not a bad life by the way. Poseidon finally bursts a blood vessel venting
his built up rage and floods all of Greece. Or, you could pay Hades a
visit. Get Theseus and your friends out his hair. Poseidon'll calm down
and I'll be able to get back to work."

 "Like I said, I'm going to have to go fix this," Hercules said sourly.

 Thanatos hopped off the railing. "Glad to hear it. As enjoyable as this
short vacation has been, I'm getting a bit bored."

 Hercules crossed his arms over his chest. "Did you have a plan in mind
for getting me there, or should I head for the Jaws of Taenarus?"

 Thanatos shook his head. "Take too long. No, I think I better just drop
you via the direct route."

 "Why does it sound like time is a problem here?" Hercules raised an
eyebrow.

 Thanatos grimaced. "I'm not sure how much more Hades can tolerate. And
without him I'm really on vacation. You know what I mean?"

 Hercules frowned. "So you're taking a break."

 Thanatos rolled his eyes. "And people always say you're the smart one,"
he said. "Don't you get it? I may only handle the important cases
personally, but my will is directed by the consent of Hades. And I
currently don't have that."

 Damn, he thought. "Death is taking the holiday, not just you."

 "Hercules, I am Death. Remember?" He raised his hands briefly. "Hey. It's
a calling, not just a job. But I have to follow the rules. The rules say I
can't do anything without the God of the Underworld's favor. And he's too
preoccupied to pay attention right now."

 "So no one's dying." Hercules sighed. "All right. I get the picture. The
faster I get this over with, the better."

 "Now you're talking." Thanatos rubbed his hands together and grinned. "I
haven't done this in a long time. Should be fun." He raised his hands over
his head.

 "What do you mean you haven't done this?" Hercules frowned. "You take
people to the Other Side all the time."

 He lowered his hands. "Well, usually I don't take anybody. I send them.
And even when I do take them personally, they're dead. Shades. Not living
people." Thanatos tapped his chin with his forefinger and looked
thoughtful. "I can't actually remember the last time I took someone who
was still alive. Huh. Oh well. I'm sure it'll be fine." He raised his
hands again.

 "Wait!"

 Bright blue light surrounded them and Hercules felt a sinking sensation
in the pit of his stomach that told him he was falling rapidly, but he
couldn't see anything for the light. The moment seemed to stretch to an
eternity as he waited for the inevitable crash landing. He was still
waiting when the light faded and he found himself standing on the steps
leading to Hades' Palace. He turned at a strange sound to see Thanatos
bent over laughing hysterically.

 "Oh, very funny."

 Thanatos pointed at him and wiped his streaming eyes. "The expression on
your face! You really thought I was gonna just dump you!" He brayed with
laughter.

 "All right, all right. You had your little joke." Hercules scowled.

 "I couldn't resist. Hey, I'm on vacation. I gotta take my fun where I
can." He grinned. "Good luck. I think I'll take a little jaunt out to one
of the islands in the Med. I haven't visited Cyprus in awhile. I figure I
might as well enjoy myself while I can, since it's not going to last much
longer." Thanatos tossed off a jaunty salute and vanished in a flash of
blue light.

 "Everyone's a comedian," Hercules muttered under his breath. He shook his
head and started up the steps to the Palace.

 Part 5

 Hercules lifted his fist, ready to pound on the door and demand entrance
to the palace when the double doors opened abruptly. Persephone stood in
the doorway, a harried expression on her face.

 "Hercules! It's about time you got here! I can't take much more of this.
Well, what are you waiting for? Come on." Persephone turned and walked
rapidly away.

 "Persephone! Wait!" Hercules called after her retreating figure. She
halted and looked back over her shoulder as he hurried to her side.
"What's wrong? Has something happened to Iolaus and Jason?"

 Persephone cocked her head. "Those two!" she exclaimed and rolled her
eyes. "If I didn't know better I'd think that they came here just to drive
me crazy." She stamped her foot. "I had everything under control and then
they showed up. Now Hades is too busy with them to have any time for me.
You are here to take them back with you, aren't you?"

 "Yes." Hercules frowned. "Persephone, what exactly is going on? I have to
tell you, this isn't exactly the welcome I thought I'd get. You act like
you've been expecting me."

 "Well, of course I was expecting you," she said in disgust and sighed.
"Everything was fine. I'd convinced Theseus to apologize to Hades and I'd
just about managed to get Hades to agree to release him. And then your
friends dropped in."

 "And?" Hercules shook his head slightly.

 "And Theseus got his nose bent out of shape. He thought they were trying
to steal his glory. He raved on and on about how he was going to show
everyone that he was a hero and that he'd bested Hades. He made Hades so
mad that he put him in the Chair of Forgetfulness."

 "That's what Thanatos said. I didn't think he ever used that thing."

 "He doesn't. Or at least he didn't." Persephone shook her head. "And now
we're stuck with Theseus as a permanent house guest." She turned.

 "Permanent?" Hercules reached out to take her arm, gently stopping her.
"What do you mean, permanent?"

 She shrugged. "Not even Hades knows how to get someone out of the Chair
once they're in it." She sighed. "Come on. The sooner you take your
friends home, the happier I'll be."

 Hercules shook his head and followed her into the Palace. As they walked
down a long hallway past several rooms, he looked around curiously. The
decor had changed since the last time he was here. Persephone's touch was
evident in the lighter colors and airy fabrics.

 She stopped in front of a closed door and crossed her arms. "They're in
there," she said reluctantly. "You do promise to take them with you, don't
you?"

 He raised his eyebrows. "What is it you're not telling me?"

 "You'll see." She pushed the door open and stepped aside.

 Hercules entered slowly. He stopped and stared in disbelief at the sight
of Jason, Iolaus and Hades down on their hands and knees over some sort of
map drawn on the marble floor. The three of them were arguing over the
placement of stick figures on the map. What in Tartarus?

 "I keep tellin' you, you need more of 'em over here," Iolaus said. He
flicked his hand and tossed a group of the stick figures several feet to
the right. "That's the biggest hole in your inventory."

 "But if he keeps them over here, then this section will be done faster
and he can move them all at once." Jason reached out with what looked like
a small rake and pulled the stick figures back across the floor towards
him. "It's more efficient that way and the entire inventory will take less
time overall."

 Hades rubbed his chin. "Perhaps. But what if I move them all into the
problem area instead? That way I finally get the first complete inventory
of that site, and then I have them all available to complete the easy
areas. Shouldn't that cut down the time as well?"

 "Brilliant!" Jason clapped Hades on the back, prompting a startled look
from the god, and then grinned at Iolaus. "See what happens when you think
a problem all the way through?"

 "You mean like the way you thought this journey through?" Hercules
crossed his arms. He fought to keep a stern expression on his face as the
three on the floor turned and looked up at him like so many guilty
children. "Someone mind telling me what's going on here?"

 "Herc!" Iolaus jumped to his feet with a grin and reached out to clasp
his forearms. "We're helping Hades organize his inventory. It's harder
than you'd think to keep track of all the, um, residents down here."

 "I'm sure it is. What I don't understand is how you got involved."
Hercules raised an eyebrow. He wasn't about to mention Theseus just yet.

 Jason pushed himself to his feet and cleared his throat. "I'm afraid
that's my doing. The subject of the annual inventory just happened to come
up and I mentioned that I might be able to help, being somewhat familiar
with bureaucracy. Iolaus had the idea of creating a map of the Underworld
so we could see what Hades is up against. And, well, here we are." He
gestured sheepishly at the floor.

 Hades stood and flipped his dark cape back over his shoulder. He cast a
cool gaze at Hercules. "Your friends have some very clever ideas,
Hercules. I'm surprised that you haven't learned more from them."

 "Oh, they're regular Aristotles. I can't imagine how I've missed that all
these years," Hercules said dryly. He turned a severe gaze on his friends.
"Are you quite ready to go home? That is if you're all through solving
Hades' inventory logistics?"

 "Uh, Herc?" Iolaus rubbed his chin. "We sort of promised that we'd help
get the inventory started. That way Hades can spend some time with
Persephone before she has to leave."

 "You what?" Hercules raked a hand through his hair. This was ridiculous.
He was supposed to be rescuing them and here they were, plotting the
inventory of the Underworld as if it were an everyday occurrence.

 Jason shrugged. "Well, it is our plan after all. We couldn't just dump it
on him and leave."

 "I think I need to sit down," Hercules said wearily. He reached behind
him, snagged a chair and dropped into it. "How long did you plan on
staying?"

 "Oh, this shouldn't take more than a day or two. The inventory should be
almost automatic once the workers have been trained."

 Hercules nodded. "I see." He squeezed his eyes shut.

 "You know, Herc, the last time I was here I noticed a lot of areas for
improvement." Iolaus raised his eyebrows.

 "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" He squinted at Iolaus in
resignation.

 A wide smile crossed Iolaus' face. He glanced at Jason. "It took him long
enough."

 "I told you he'd have to be hit over the head with it." Jason smiled
slightly.

 "Yeah, but I didn't think I'd have to spell it out for him." Iolaus
turned to Hercules and grinned. "You know, Hades is right. You'd think
some of our cleverness would have rubbed off on you by now."

 Hercules rolled his eyes and stood up. "All right, oh clever one. Are you
about done?"

 "No, but I guess the rest can wait."

 "This is all very touching, but can we get back to my inventory problem?"
Hades shook his head.

 "Oh I think we're done. If you follow your idea of sending them all out
to the problem spot I think your inventory will be complete in no time."
Jason smiled slightly. "Maybe you should see how Persephone is doing."

 "Yeah. You know she wasn't too happy with you when she let me in the
palace." Hercules shook his head.

 "Persephone." Hades' eyes widened slightly and he hurried out the door
without a backward glance.

 Hercules stared after him for a moment before turning back to his
friends. He crossed his arms and shook his head slowly. "Just what are you
up to?"

 Iolaus glanced at Jason. "He's got that expression on his face again. You
know, that long-suffering one that says he thinks he has to rescue us from
ourselves."

 Jason nodded. "You'd think he'd trust us by now." His lips twitched when
Hercules made an annoyed sound, but he kept a sober expression on his
face.

 "I do trust you. But it looks to me like you still need rescuing."

 "I'll admit we could use your help, but Herc, we don't need rescuing.
We're free to go anytime we want. Hades offered to send us home after we
gave him a suggestion that fixed a little problem Cerberus was having with
his digestion." Iolaus grinned.

 Hercules rubbed his forehead and muttered, "I'm not asking. I don't want
to know." He dropped his hand and looked at his friends. "If you've been
able to go home, why are you still here? And don't tell me it's because
you wanted to help Hades with his inventory problems."

 Jason shook his head. "We couldn't go without Theseus. And Hades wasn't
about to let him leave. Iolaus and I have been trying to distract Hades
until he was either so grateful that he let us take Theseus with us, or
until we could figure out a way to free him ourselves."

 "Didn't Hades tell you?" Hercules asked in exasperation. "He probably
wants to be rid of Theseus. He might even be grateful enough to you two by
now that he'd give you Theseus. But he can't."

 "I don't understand." Jason frowned. "Why can't he?"

 "Hades put Theseus in the Chair of Forgetfulness."

 Iolaus and Jason exchanged confused glances and Iolaus said, "Yeah. We
know. I'd never heard of it before. I thought that was just so Theseus
would forget why he was here."

 Hercules sighed. "Hades has never used the Chair before. It does more
than just make you forget. It grows on you. Literally. The story is that
if you sit in the chair long enough that it fuses with your body until
you're totally absorbed into it. And according to Persephone, Hades
doesn't know how to remove someone from the chair once they've sat in it."

 Jason grimaced. "That's horrible. We've got to get him out. Surely
there's something we can do?"

 "Now that I'm down here, I guess I might as well help you finish what you
started." Hercules shrugged. "I think it's time I talked to Hades about
Theseus."

 Iolaus clapped him on the back and turned to Jason. "Told you. Don't
forget that you owe me five dinars when we get home." He grinned when
Hercules groaned.

 Part 6

 Hercules crossed his arms and stared at the back of the Chair of
Forgetfulness. He wasn't sure just what he'd expected, but this crudely
constructed heavy wooden chair wasn't it. The top of Theseus' dark head
was barely visible over the high back. How in Tartarus did he always
manage to get into trouble? Hercules sighed to himself and stepped around
the Chair to face his cousin.

 Theseus sat in the chair looking relaxed, his arms extended along the
armrests. He stared out the window at a pastoral scene from the Elysian
Fields, a dreamy expression on his face. He turned when Hercules cleared
his throat.

 "Hercules! What are you doing here?" Theseus started to smile and then a
confused expression crossed his face. "Um, just where are we?"

 "Hades' Palace." Hercules narrowed his eyes. "Do you remember coming here
for a visit?"

 "Why would I visit Hades? For that matter, why would you?" Theseus
frowned and a light came into his eyes. "I know. I'm here to rescue
Persephone! That's it. And you're not going to beat me to the glory this
time, cousin."

 Hercules shook his head. "I'm not here to beat you to anything.
Persephone doesn't need rescuing. Look, do you think you can stand up?"

 "Ready to fight over it, huh? All right." Theseus struggled to stand, but
was only able to lean forward. He pushed futilely at the arms of the
chair, his eyes widening in panic when his lower body wouldn't budge from
the seat. His mouth opened and just as he was about to speak a noise from
the opposite side of the room distracted him. He turned and saw the
window, the scene from the Elysian Fields capturing his attention.

 Hercules dropped his chin to his chest and closed his eyes. Not again. He
stepped back around the chair to gather his thoughts for yet another try.

 "Herc?"

 He glanced over his shoulder to find Iolaus and Jason standing in the
doorway. "Yeah?"

 "Any luck?"

 The two men stepped into the room and stared at the chair curiously.

 "Not yet."

 "Have you talked to him?"

 Hercules smacked his hand to his forehead. "Now why didn't I think of
that?"

 "Hey, no need to be sarcastic. How was I supposed to know? You're just
standing there behind the chair after all." Iolaus raised an eyebrow.

 "Oh please, be my guest." Hercules gestured at the chair with one hand.
Might as well let them have some of the fun, he thought sourly.

 Iolaus and Jason exchanged a baffled look. Hercules' mouth twisted into a
semblance of a smile as he watched them step around the chair and catch
his cousin's attention.

 "Iolaus! Jason! What are you doing here?"

 Hercules closed his eyes and could picture the confused look on Theseus'
face. He waited for the inevitable question.

 "Where are we?"

 "Uh, Theseus? We're in Hades' Palace."

 "Oh. Why are you here? Did you die? Wait, why am I here?" His cousin's
voice held a touch of panic.

 At least they were getting different questions, Hercules thought. Theseus
must not see them as a threat to his hero status.

 "No, no. We're not dead," Jason assured him. "Neither are you. You don't
remember coming here?"

 Hercules could see the top of Theseus' head move as he shook it back and
forth. A sudden movement from the window once again claimed his cousin's
attention. He bit back a smile when Iolaus' finally spoke.

 "Uh, Theseus? Want to stay with us here?"

 The dark head turned in the direction of Iolaus' voice. "Iolaus! Jason!
What are you doing here?" There was a pause and then the inevitable
question. "Where are we?"

 Hercules clamped his mouth shut to prevent a chuckle from escaping as
Iolaus and Jason exchanged a look. He raised an eyebrow when they trooped
back around the chair.

 "OK," Iolaus said, "how many times have you done that?"

 "Five," Hercules admitted. "I was trying to think of a different approach
when you showed up."

 "What about just pulling him out of that thing? You must be strong
enough, don't you think?" Jason asked with a frown.

 "I'd like to know just how, ah, attached he is to the chair before I try
that." Hercules shrugged. "And let's not forget what would happen if I
accidentally touch it. I'm not looking to take up permanent residence
here, especially not when I'd be spending eternity sitting next to
Theseus."

 A strange look crossed Iolaus' face as he struggled not to laugh. "Can
you see it? Both of them stuck to that chair and not remembering anything,
including that the other one was there?"

 "At least their conversation would never get old."

 "Yeah and it would never change. 'Hercules, what are you doing here? I
don't know, where are we?' It'd probably drive Hades over the edge,
though." Iolaus grinned.

 "Very funny." Hercules shook his head. "I don't suppose either of you
have any useful suggestions to make?"

 Jason shrugged. "I really don't see that you have much choice. Unless
Hades has a way to get Theseus out of that chair you'll have to use force.
The longer you wait the harder it'll be."

 Iolaus clapped him on the arm and added heartily, "Jason and I'll be
right there behind you, backing you up all the way. We'll be ready to
remind you of what you're doing if you touch the chair. Just don't expect
us to get too close to it."

 A voice from behind them startled them and they turned to find Hades and
Persephone standing in the doorway.

 "Have you released him?" Hades asked.

 Hercules shook his head. "Are you sure you don't know how?"

 "It didn't exactly come with an instruction manual."

 "Just where did you get that thing anyway?" Jason asked.

 "I traded a member of the Persian pantheon for it." Hades shrugged at
their puzzled expression. "There's no law that says we can't talk to the
other gods, you know."

 "That's why you can't release him yourself, isn't it?" Hercules frowned.
"It wasn't made by the power of our gods, so you can't control it.
Whatever possessed you to think having something you can't control was a
good idea?"

 Hades sighed. "I thought it might be good for a few laughs. You know,
take it to parties, that sort of thing. It seemed like a bargain at the
time."

 "Parties?" Jason glanced at Hercules. "I didn't know the gods had
parties."

 "I never pictured you as a party animal," Iolaus said to Hades.

 "It was a long time ago when the world was younger. I was younger then,
too. Before I was quite so busy with the Underworld."

 Hercules folded his arms across his chest. "But you never used it."

 "No. When I finally understood that I had no power over it I realized
that I couldn't use it. After all, how would I explain to Zeus why I
couldn't get one of the other gods out of it? Do you know what he'd do to
me?"

 "Why didn't you get rid of it? Why keep it around?" Iolaus frowned.

 Persephone stepped forward. "He can't destroy it. And what better place
than the Underworld to keep safe something so dangerous?"

 "But you didn't keep it safe." Hercules frowned.

 Hades bristled. "Are you criticizing me?"

 "Uh, Herc?" Iolaus placed a hand on his arm. "I don't think now's the
time for this."

 Hercules closed his eyes and nodded. "You're right. What do you say we
try our plan."

 Iolaus glanced sideways at Jason. "Did we have a plan?"

 Jason nodded. "I believe that would be the 'pull him out by brute force'
plan."

 "Ah. That plan. Got it." Iolaus grinned and followed his friends around
to the front of the chair and Theseus. "I believe we're about to see who's
stronger, demi- god or chair."

 Hades and Persephone stayed well back away from the chair.

 "Hercules! And Iolaus and Jason! What are you doing here?" Theseus asked
in surprise. "Where are we?"

 Hercules was suddenly very tired of answering that particular question.

 "Theseus, we're in Hades' Palace. I'm here to steal your thunder by
saving Persephone. If you don't want that to happen you'll have to get out
of that chair and fight me for it." He ignored Jason's snort and the
hastily swallowed chuckle that came from Iolaus' direction.

 "Not this time, cousin!" Theseus turned red and strained against the arms
of the chair, trying to push himself up.

 "Come on, Theseus! Too weak to get out of that chair? Or are you just
afraid that I'll beat you?" Hercules taunted.

 Theseus renewed his effort and managed to free first one leg and then the
other. He leveraged his feet against the floor and pushed. With all of
that he could only manage to force himself part way out of the chair.

 "Theseus! Give me your hand," Hercules said urgently.

 "I won't," Theseus said and gritted his teeth.

 "I can help you, but you have to give me your hand. I can't take it while
it's on the chair."

 "No. It's a trick."

 Hercules rolled his eyes and waited for a few moments while Theseus put
his head down and pushed before he tried another tack. "Theseus! I need
your help! You've got to give me your hand." He reached his hand out.

 Theseus looked up in surprise. "Hercules? What are you doing here? You
need my help?"

 "Yes! Give me your hand. Now!"

 Theseus reached out and Hercules grasped his forearm with both of his
hands. He gave a mighty tug and Theseus was wrenched from the chair with a
loud sucking sound. They both tumbled to the ground.

 "Ow! Hercules, what are you doing here? Ow!" Theseus rolled over onto his
stomach.

 Hercules pushed himself up and winced in sympathy as he saw the raw flesh
of Theseus' buttocks and thighs. His pants and his skin were still stuck
to the chair.

 "That's gotta hurt," Iolaus muttered.

 Jason nodded. "I don't think he's going to be wearing leather pants for
awhile. Or any kind of pants for that matter."

 Hades stepped around the chair and glared down at the stricken hero.
"Well he can't recuperate here."

 "Right." Hercules hid a smile as he glanced at Persephone. She was biting
her lip in a way that told him she was trying not to laugh. "Persephone,
do you suppose you could find a loose robe or something that Theseus could
use to cover himself."

 She nodded as if she was afraid to trust her voice and fled the room.
Iolaus and Jason helped Theseus to his feet. Persephone returned within
moments and silently handed Hercules a light blue robe. He handed the robe
to a bitterly complaining Theseus.

 Hercules turned to Hades. "I think we've all imposed on your hospitality
for long enough. Maybe you'd be good enough to provide a quick way out of
here? I don't think Theseus is in any shape for a long trek back."

 Hades narrowed his eyes. "I should make him crawl home."

 "Do you really want him hanging around here any longer than he already
has?" Hercules raised his eyebrows.

 "Good point." Hades straightened. "Thanatos!"

 "You rang, boss?" Thanatos asked as he materialized. Gone were the
multicolored pants, shirt and vest and in their place was his usual black
outfit.

 "See my...guests back to the surface, will you?"

 Thanatos grinned. "My pleasure."

 Hades turned to Iolaus and Jason. "Any time you two get tired of putting
up with Mr. Muscle here, you're welcome to join my staff. I can always use
your expertise." He nodded stiffly at Hercules and ignored Theseus.

 Iolaus and Jason nodded pleasantly at him and Jason quickly elbowed
Hercules when he opened his mouth to protest. Hades offered his arm to
Persephone and they turned away to sedately leave the room.

 "Ready to go home, campers?" Thanatos asked.

 "More than ready," Hercules replied.

 "Campers?" Iolaus whispered to Jason, who shrugged.

 Thanatos gestured for them to stand close together and he rubbed his
hands together rapidly. "All rightie, then. Here we go!"

 Hercules closed his eyes in resignation as the bright blue light
surrounded them and he felt the familiar sinking sensation in the pit of
his stomach. At least this time he thought he knew what to expect when the
light faded. He opened his eyes and was surprised in spite of himself to
find that he was standing in front of Jason's farmhouse. Iolaus and Jason
were standing next to him and Thanatos was lounging against the porch
railing. There was no sign of Theseus.

 Hercules narrowed his eyes at Thanatos. "What did you do with Theseus?"

 Thanatos raised his eyebrows. "I left him in the fishing village near the
location of Poseidon's latest rash of tantrums. I thought you'd appreciate
being rid of him, but if you'd rather take him to his father yourself I
can certainly go fetch him for you."

 "No, no." Hercules held up his hands. "That won't be necessary. Thanks."

 "Hey. No problem. Least I could do." He jumped down from the porch.
"Vacations are fun for awhile, but I was more than ready to get back to
work. Well, maybe I'll see you around some time." He lifted his hand in
farewell and disappeared, this time without the benefit of the blue light.

 "Showoff," Hercules muttered.

 Iolaus turned to Jason. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Let's
go see what's left in your larder." He draped an arm over Jason's shoulder
and they walked up the steps to the house, leaving Hercules standing in
the yard without a word.

 Hercules stared after his friends. So it was going to be like that, was
it? He sighed and wondered how long he'd have to wait before they forgave
him. Maybe he should just get it over with and apologize now. Nah, he
thought with a sudden smile. That'd just spoil their fun. He assumed a
properly contrite expression and made his way into the house.  
   
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