Author's Website: http://www.geocities.com/sarah_fonduelover/contents.htm
Author's Notes: This is my first fan fic, and it's really bad - so even if you don't find the plot funny, u'll laugh at my terrible writing skills.
Benton Fraser Fan fiction
"Does that dog ever stop whining?"
"Well, he's technically not actually whining, it's a form of self pity..." Ray groaned, and looked at his chocolate covered jam donut. He sighed and gave it to Diefenbaker. Dief gulped it down in one go. "Hey, Vecchio. That case on Malino-we've got it." Huey said. He laughed, "Looks like your back to square one, with ha no cases!" "I'll get you." Ray got up and started to march towards him. "Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray! Please in situations like this I once found that a brisk walk in..." "...The middle of nowhere where there's a huge change that a bear wants to eat you, a wolf wants your donut and wild Eskimos..." "...Inuit"
"Inuit want to do something."
"Ray, I find that highly unlikely considering bears are..." "Alright we'll go for a walk and see if anything's happening. I hate this job. Today I'm going to do something different." Ray sighed and put on his coat. "Although bears do often hunt near rivers and mostly..." Ray and Fraser walked outside while Dief stayed put. He felt a little sick. Fraser walked to the car and opened the door, but Ray walked on. "Ray? Are you not going to drive somewhere?" "Nah, today I'm going to be fit and healthy and walk to the greasy chips shop." "Is that a place where you go when you've been taken of a case?" Fraser inquired. "No, it's a place with lots of women to meet and... is my hair okay? Is it thinning on top?" "You look perfectly okay. Back on the main subject, bears eat salmon, and rarely attack humans Ray." "What?!"
"Well, you said that..."
"Never mind what I said. Let's go to the consulate." "Do you have a reason to go?" Fraser wondered. Suddenly Fraser Snr. popped up. "He's going to apply to be a Mountie!" You'd better watch him, son." He said. "Don't be ridiculous!" Fraser said out loud. "About what?! I've decided to become a Mountie, and have women respect me like you, and do fancy stuff like saving people from bears..." "Bears do not attack humans Ray, but that's not the point. The point is, that you cannot be a Mountie." Fraser said. "Why not?" Ray said, hoping that Fraser might help him. "Well for a start Mounties are Canadian, you, on the other hand are American. That makes it rather impossible to..."Fraser explained. "Here we are. Where's Meg's office. I want to enrol!" Ray said in a very enthusiastic voice. So they entered, and went into Meg Thatchers office. Turnbull was outside it. "Hi Turnbull. I'm going to be a Mountie!" Ray smiled. Turnbull's face hardened. "Excuse me," he said and fainted flat on the floor. Ray raised his eyebrows, stepped over him and knocked on the door. "If that's you Fraser, please don't tell me you've forgotten your hat polish or your button shiner because I'm busy!" She shouted from inside. "No sir, I have a new recruit. He would like to become a Mountie." Fraser answered. Meg told them to come in. "Ray?!?" She said.
"Does everyone have a problem with me? Turnbull faints, Fraser talks to me about bears and salmon and you are startled - but may a remind you what beautiful eyes you have, all the same?" Ray commented. "Why thank you, but that won't get you anywhere." Meg said sternly. "Darn. So what do I do to be a Mountie!" Ray said cheerfully. "You have to go through a series of tests including..."Fraser began. "Tasting things?" Ray said scrunching up his nose. So Ray began his tests. The first test was in fact, tasting things. "Ray, here are three pieces of chewing gum, all from different parts of Chicago. You must identify where they come from, and when they were last chewed." Fraser instructed. "Don't I get any help? Let how I know where it comes from?" Ray said in disbelief. "No. Most Mounties don't need this, they distinctly can tell where..." "Never mind." Ray looked at the three pieces of goo laid out neatly in front of him. "I can't! Gees, no way!" Ray said and backed away. But after a few minutes of Fraser's talking, Ray tasted them. "I do not taste the difference! That's chewing gum, that's chewing gum and that's chewing gum." Ray said. "Actually A is bubble gum, from downtown Chicago, eaten two days ago. B is from the up market part eaten one year and a half ago precisely yesterday. And C is from Francesca, eaten 5 hours, 56 minutes and 5...6...7.... Seconds ago today." "FRANCESCA! Gross, gross, gross!" Ray said in disgust. Fraser said: "I don't think you will pass Ray. Your written exam is tomorrow." "What's that like?" Ray muttered.
"6hrs long. It's all about the geography of Canada, police laws and general knowledge every Mountie could know. 57485 questions. You have to know every law and rule in order, and their correct section." He chuckled. "I remember when I did my exam I thought that page 586, paragraph 56 chapter 99, was about drink driving, but it was about drinking to excess!" He laughed. "That's not funny." Ray said
"Well, yes it is. I mean consider the differences with driving and drinking, and drinking to excess- totally different. Most amusing, although I did pass my exam with 99.45678%, that being the only mistake I made." Fraser said proudly. And with that, Ray fell to the floor in a faint. He woke up with a thumping headache. Fraser was standing over him. "Are you okay? You fell over Francesca's bag on entering the Police Station." Fraser said. "Am I a Mountie yet?" Ray mumbled.
"Oh dear, you're delirious. Ray just sit still, and stay put. We'll get you fixed up. I'll just have to knock you on the skull, at a certain point and angle, so that..." "Hey! Hey! Hey! No, I am not delirious! I just had this really bad dream about bears, salmon, Mounties, Meg, Turnbull, tasting chewing gum, doing a huge Canadian Exam, you, drink-driving........................."