Disclaimer: Disclaimer The characters and stories of Due South are Copyright © Alliance Communications, and are used here without permission or license. No claim to the above copyright is made by the author of this work. This work is for non-commercial use ONLY, and is produced for the enjoyment of fans only. This work is the expression of the author and the depictions of the Due South characters herein are in no way represented to be a part of Due South as depicted by the original author and copyright holder(s).
Author's Notes: My very first attempt at humor.
RED HEARTS SUIT YOU
Ray Vecchio yawned sleepily and scratched his flank where his undershirt met his boxers with a lazy hand. It was 10AM Sunday morning and for once he had the entire house to himself. Ma, Maria, Tony and all the kids were at church. After that they would be heading to Aunt Mary's house for Sunday brunch. Frannie was off shopping, an all day affair if he was lucky. He'd slept in and was just now emerging onto the front porch to retrieve the morning paper for a leisurely read over a hot cup of coffee. The prospect made him smile. Days like this were few and far between for the Detective and he planned to savor every moment of it.
He captured the plastic encased paper neatly in his hand and turned to re-enter the house, only to find that the door was locked. No, this was not happening! He thought in a panic, jiggling the doorknob furiously as if that would somehow make the door magically open. He did not just lock himself out of an empty house, with no one due to return for hours! And he was not standing on the front porch in his underwear! And not just any underwear, but the silk boxer shorts that his nephew Mikey had bought him for his birthday last year, the ones with the little red hearts all over them. The ones he wore when all his other clothes were in the laundry.
He moved to the front window and tried to lift it to crawl inside, but it too was locked. He peered through into the kitchen, where his keys and cell phone sat taunting him on the table and he pounded the window frame with his fist in frustration. He moved to the front of the porch and sighed, considering his next move.
"What else could possibly go wrong." He groused, scrubbing his face in exasperation.
As if on cue the automatic sprinklers suddenly came to life and drenched the Detective right where he stood.
"Just couldn't resist, could you?" He said sourly, his eyes turned heavenward.
Then he was on the move, slipping through the back gate and turning off the water spigot from the side of the house. He looked down at the damp water stain spattering the front of his shirt and boxers and dropped his forehead into his hand with a sigh.
"Terrific." He grumbled. "You miss one day of church and look what happens!"
Of course, the backdoor was locked as well and the windows refused to budge. He thought briefly about breaking in, but he knew that his mother would kill him when she got home so he decided against it. He refused to go to any of the neighbors for help. He was humiliated enough without the entire block snickering behind his back as well. Finally, he took a seat on the back stoop and just decided to wait until someone got home. He prayed it would be Ma, he'd never hear the end of it if Frannie happened to arrive home first.
He sat in a puddle for about half an hour before he heard the unmistakable whine of a police siren out front. Curious, he got up and slipped back through the gate to find two uniformed police officers he didn't recognize tiptoeing around his front yard like a pair of armed ballerinas.
"Oh boy am I glad to see you guys." Ray called out in relief. "I'm locked out. I was kind of hoping I could use your phone-"
"Hold it right there buddy!" The officer closest to Ray cried, startled by the Detective's sudden appearance. He had his gun trained on the Italian's chest, so wisely Ray did as he was told. "Hands where I can see em!"
Ray swallowed, raising his hands slowly and carefully above his head. "What you think I have a weapon on me?!" The Detective asked incredulous. "Where would I put it?"
"Just shut up!" The young officer barked. Ray could see that his name was Lois according to the badge on his pocket.
"Look I live here." Ray said in as reasonable a tone as he could manage under the circumstances. "I locked myself out. Why else would I be standing here in my underwear?!"
The two cops exchanged a glance. "My guess would be because you're some kind of pervert." The second cop said flatly. He was a little older than Lois and according to his badge was named Ellen.
"I am not a pervert!" Ray snapped curtly.
Lois walked around behind the Detective's back and without another word handcuffed him, while Ellen crossed his arms over his chest as if deep in thought.
"Mmm, well." He said finally. "Got any ID on ya?"
Ray blinked. "No I don't have any ID on me you moron! I'm in my underwear!"
"Yeah so you keep pointing out. Listen buddy, coming on to me isn't gonna help your case any ya know."
"Are you nuts!" The Italian shrieked.
"Hey, I'm not the one parading around in my boxers." Ellen said flatly. He reached into his pocket suddenly and withdrew a small leather bound note pad. "We got a call from a Mrs. Sager down the street."
"Mrs. Sager." Ray barked. "She's got cataracts! She can't even recognize herself half the time!"
"She reported a suspicious character lurking around the residence of one Raymond Vecchio." Ellen went on, oblivious to the Detective's protests. "A Detective who works out of the 27th."
"I'm Ray Vecchio!"
"Boy, you just got an answer for everything don't ya?" Ellen said, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.
Ray sighed in resignation. "Hey kid do me a favor." He said turning to Lois. "Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery."
Lois and Ellen were possibly two of the stupidest human beings that Ray had ever met in his entire life. It was like getting arrested by the keystone cops and it went beyond embarrassing. They worked out of the 17th where they charged Ray with attempted burglary and indecent exposure. The Detective was fingerprinted and photographed, all to the catcalls and whistles of his fellow officers, and finally thrown into a holding cell with the rest of the drunks and transvestites.
"Hey I'm entitled to one phone call!" Ray snapped at the burly officer who'd locked the barred door behind him.
"Yeah, yeah." The officer grumbled, unlocking the door and leading the Detective to a pay phone down the hall.
He called Fraser who was the only person outside of his immediate family to have a spare set of keys to his house. The Mountie agreed to pickup the Detective's ID and a change of clothes before coming down to bail him out. That is, he agreed after he'd stopped laughing long enough to get the words out. Ray slammed the phone back into its cradle and allowed himself to be walked back to a holding cell in brooding silence.
He sat there for over two hours waiting for Fraser to show up. All the while being stared at by some weird little creepy guy with greasy black hair and huge watery eyes. Finally he could stand it no longer.
"What!" He barked at the silent movie reject.
The man broke into a huge gap toothed grin. "Nice Shorts." He said in a wheezy voice.
Ray began to rhythmically pound the back of his head against the wall.
"I like the little red hearts." He went on with a breathy laugh.
"Back off Dracula!" The Detective said sourly.
"Say cheese." A familiar voice called suddenly and Ray looked up startled. A bright flash went off in his face and he blinked spots as his sister grinned evilly from behind her camera.
"What the Hell?!" He cried, rising to his feet. "Frannie?!"
"Oh nice one." She called, before shooting off another quick photograph. "Something for this year's Christmas Cards."
The Mountie appeared suddenly, wearing a slightly sheepish expression and carrying a paper bag.
"Fraser what the Hell is she doing here!" Ray cried, before turning on his cellmate who had thrown his arm around Ray's shoulder so that Frannie could take both their pictures. "Get away from me you little freak!!" He shrieked, red faced.
"I'm sorry Ray." Fraser said apologetically. "Francesca was there when I got to the house and naturally I had to tell her what happened."
"Oh and I suppose it never occurred to you to just lie?! Give me that Camera!" He yelled lunging at the bars suddenly, but Francesca danced backward out of his reach, a huge grin still firmly plastered to her face.
"I could never do that Ray." The Mountie said eyes widening in shock. "Lying would be wrong."
The Detective rolled his eyes and snatched the paper bag from Fraser's grip, not believing the Mountie's big-eyed innocent routine one little bit. Swearing under his breath in Italian, he quickly pulled on the change of clothes the Canadian had brought with him. All he wanted was to go home and crawl into bed so he could pretend like this whole day had never happened.
"We're sorry for any inconvenience we may have caused you Detective Vecchio." The desk sergeant said insincerely as he slid Ray's ID and badge back to him, apathetically.
"Yeah, well you'll be hearing from my attorney." The Italian groused as he pocketed the wallet once again.
"I wasn't aware you had an attorney Ray."
"Shut up Fraser." The Detective sniped, then stalked off toward the exit.
At least Frannie had been considerate enough not to drive the Riv to the site of his humiliation, Ray thought gratefully. He didn't feel like driving and was relieved to climb into the backseat of his mother's station wagon so he could start putting this whole sorry affair behind him. Fraser climbed in along side him, but thankfully said nothing for almost the entire ride back to the house. Finally when they were about five minutes from their destination, the Mountie pulled something from his pocket and dropped it into the Detective's hand.
"What's this?" Ray asked, frowning at the small plastic cylinder.
"The film from Francesca's camera." The Mountie said softly, so the woman behind the wheel wouldn't overhear. "I took the liberty of removing it just before we arrived at the police station."
Ray's mouth quirked into a tiny smile as finally he felt some of the day's tension begin to drain from his body.
"Thank you Benny." He said, grateful for his friend's help.
"You're welcome Ray."
After a moment Fraser broke into a mischievous grin. "It's a shame though." He said with a wry twinkle in his eye. "Red hearts really do suit you."
The Detective eyed the Mountie askance. "You realize of course that at the next red light I'm pushing you out of the car."
End Red Hearts Suit You by Scout: firstname.lastname@example.org
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