by andrea blanchette
Disclaimer: Not mine, puttin' em back where I found them.
Author's Notes: Have to thank lisa, she is the GODESS that will strike me if I dont.
This story is a sequel to: Learning
One single point in time. One monetary second. That is enough to change a person's life entirely. How could that be? One second, you don't even have time to think about what your doing, let alone make sure your decision is the right one. That's what makes the rich so rich, the poor so poor, and the middle class so forgotten. You probably didn't even know it when it came to you. But if it dose, one little thing you do sets off a chain reaction that could start your entire life. But be warned, it can end it as well.
Your own perception is tinted by rose-colored glasses. You might not think so, You might believe you see the world for what it is, but all through history most don't see themselves for who they are let alone the world. Jeffrey Dalmer didn't see himself as evil, he just thought he was feeding his obsession; never did he feel remorse. It is told before Ted Bundy was sent off to be executed he told them he was a monster and to kill him so it all would end. To see your self, not as others see you but for evil you are, for the hate you are, for the monster that every one has the capacity to become; it must be blinding. Every single person on this planet has that one moment, that one second in time to become that hideous monster. The monster that no one can fully see except ourselves.
That's what I think happened to Ray. Ray was blinded by that light inside him, that light that contains the monster. And with that one second in time, he decided to unleash it. I don't know if he knew what he had become, but never the less it happened.
He saw the need. Not for any one, but for a thing. Control. There was a pureness about it. His mind, his own rose tinted glasses couldn't change it. It could not be altered to fit his personality, it was pure. I cannot hate him. I cannot hate him for some thing that could happen to anyone.
You may think you are impervious, that it could not happen to you, but it can. We all hold the capacity to become. I could never hate Ray, but I do hate that thing that lurks inside us all, that thing that if you give it one point in time it will make you become.
I don't want to leave you with a dark picture on an already dark day. The darkness inside, it's not alone. There is good. It's almost like a battle of good and evil in us all. In most good wins, but in the ones where Evil isn't the looser, they don't deserve our hate. We should grieve for them, for what happened to them. We should remember them for who they were, for the way their rose tinted glasses saw the world, for what They are in us."
I believe my eulogy is taken well, but I do not stay to see. It was hard enough for me to go, let alone stay. My first thought when Damien asked me to do this was, I hope Ray can help me with this, then I realized. There is no more Ray. Don't get me wrong; I feel like a brother to Ray Vecchio, he has given me a family. He is my brother in ways blood could never tie us.
Recently I have found I want to tell someone something but I don't know whom to tell. Usually I would get a pineapple pizza and go over to Ray's. Now that I cant do that I don't know whom to tell. I could talk to Stella, or to Ray Vecchio, but the details it entails concerns something I have failed to mention to him. A knock at my door interrupts my thoughts. I open the door and see the person who has been occupying my thoughts.
"Ray, I thought you were at the funeral?"
He enters with his usual pressed Armani suit.
"You were supposed to be there too, but you aren't, you want to tell me why?"
"It was hard for me to go in the first place, to stay would be..."
"Unbearable." Ray finishes my sentence solemnly. "You know I was thinking Benny, you should go back to work. It's been three months, you said yourself you were fully recovered."
"They don't want me back. Ottawa wrote me four days ago."
"Benny they cant force you not to..."
"They made it very clear, I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. I think I can find something else soon enough."
Ray sat down at the table and sat for many moments in silence, seeming to concentrate.
"You wanna stay with us? I mean, you wont be alone, no one in the house works but me. It would give you time to think."
That makes me smile. What my friend... Brother, was willing to do for me, even though I don't deserve it.
"Ray, look around." And Ray did for the first time since he had come over. He saw boxes, 'Benny had put his belongings in boxes. Did expect to be asked to live with me? It had to be impossible.'
"Benny were you planning on leaving us after the funeral? You going back home?"
"What home? You remember my friend Emma. She offered me a place to stay. Didn't I tell you this before?"
Ray looked worried. "Yeah, you did. Benny, I don't mean to pry, but you and Emma seem to have gotten close really quick. Shouldn't you be more careful about who you trust, you barely know her. I mean you met her on a street corner for God's sake, you haven't known her for two months. And all I hear from you is, 'I have to go now.' 'Where?' 'I can't really say, but Emma will be joining me.'" Ray said with both concern and mockery.
"Well I am sorry if I haven't spent as much time with the rest-"
"As much Benny? Try at all."
"Its important Ray. I need to spend as much time with her as I can."
"Why? Why do you need to be with her?"
"Because she has gone through what I'm going through now."
"Oh my god Benny, You mean she's..." He can't find the words at that time and I try not to either. I don't think Ray can fully appreciate what is still happening to me. "Its just not something you can shake off. It's not like having a bad day at work, it stays with you. No one can run from their past, how am I supposed to run from this? What do you want from me?" I don't think I fully realize I said that out loud until Ray answers me.
"Why cant you just go back to the annoying Mr. Encyclopedia? Why cant you just be my partner again?"
"They fired me Ray," Never be afraid to say something stupid, "Ray, I am living the best life I can. I have experienced many things in my life that were horrible, but even though I am changed because of it doesn't mean I am not still me. I have just learned my timing, I have learned how to duck."
"This shouldn't have happened, not to you."
"Why? It happened. There is nothing that can change that. I have accepted that, why cant you?"
"Because you aren't like us. You leave your unlocked at night. Livin' in a city like this is me, I know what to fear and why. You, you know what to fear, but some part of you has a faith. A genuine trust of good people. Don't get me wrong; I know you don't trust a bad guy any more than I would. But god Benny sometimes good people don't pull though. They don't make it safe for you to keep your door unlocked, or they don't get the merit badge by doing the right thing. You know this and yet you still trust them. You trusted him. And ever since that happened the only thing I can think of is I should take out the locks on all my doors."
He waits for a while, in a long silence. I know he doesn't want me to say anything, so I keep my mouth shut.
"So this Emma girl, you like her? And before saying she is a fine human being you know what I mean."
"Yes Ray, I do."
"You wanna get serious with her?"
"Well let the Eskimo mating dance begin."
"That's Inuit Ray."
"Right, from Runamuckluck."
"Not entirely Ray, actually the town is called-"
"Benny I don't care what its called. I say its Runamuckluck that's what I mean. The non-existent Eskimo village of Runamuckluck, where you learned the native mating dances along with some caribou story."
End To Become by andrea blanchette: firstname.lastname@example.org
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