by Jodie Louise
Author's website: http://uk.geocities.com/jodie_mouse
Disclaimer: these characters are borrowed from Alliance and after i'm through with them they are probably quite glad of that ;)
Author's Notes: this was originally written for ds_flashfiction and i thank everyone there for their comments.
Story Notes: this is a death story. you have been warned.
Okay. So this feels dumb. Dumb in capital letters and underlined six million times in red biro but Dr ___ said I had to do this and if I don't do this then perhaps I won't ever get out of here. So here we go. And now I got to try and get past the feeling that writing a letter to yourself is dumb. I mean it is dumb 'cos you always know what's going on inside of your head? Right?
Anyhow until they decide I'm not as nutty as a fruitcake I got to play along with this kind of stuff. Dr ___ has already got a folder full of the doodles I've been doing in our sessions for the last 6 months. I'll just give her another folder to fill.
These aren't my questions by the way. They're Dr ___'s questions and this is really lame but as I said I got to do this stuff until they decide I can get out of here.
When you first saw Fraser what did you think?
She's giving me hard questions this time. Hear that Dr ___ ? You exist to make my life a complete pain in the ass. Giving me multi-coloured pills and getting me to talk about when I was a kid or the neighbor's pet dog or something.
Okay. The first time I saw Fraser I thought 'woah'. I mean, yeah -- I'd seen pictures of him before I took the undercover gig but seeing him in the flesh. Well. That was certainly something. I went to hug him and really really hoped that little K would behave himself.
He felt like -- a mountain. Solid and unmovable. His uniform was kind of itchy. And yeah Dr ___ I wanted to get into his pants. We've already established that haven't we? I know you think I've got -- what did you say -- 'issues' but I'm writing this now aren't I?
Just so it is clear -- I WANTED TO FUCK FRASER'S BRAIN OUT. I think I'll lose points for writing that last bit in capital letters but who cares eh?
Right, so where are we -- oh yeah the sexy mountie and the skinny undercover guy hug.
It just felt -- like it was meant to be you know? But I was scared. Not 'cos I didn't think Fraser was into me -- I could see in his eyes he was into me. You don't spend years going to gay bars without picking up on stuff. Like being able to tell when another guy is really into you. And Fraser was into me. This was all great, greatness.
But I wanted to take things real slow with Fraser 'cos it felt special from the beginning you see, I wanted to court him like I had courted Stella. So that's what we did. And there was also the small fact that I was supposed to be undercover too. Couldn't do anything to jeopardise Vecchio's rep.
Right, okay -- next...
When did you and Fraser first admit your feelings to one another?
Hey, Doc you're getting very personal aren't you? Sometimes I get fed up of just talking about me.
It was after all that Muldoon shit when we were on the ice in the middle of nowhere during our adventure. The adventure we just used as an excuse so we could be together a little while longer.
We both knew it was gonna happen -- we'd been building up to it for months. Nothing was said. We didn't tell one another we just did. One moment we were staring at the bright white sheets of snow stretching for miles all around us and the next, well. We had our first kiss. And Fraser was going to say then but I put my fingers over his mouth to stop him and started to rub his crotch instead.
Oh, but you meant me to write about when I told told Fraser didn't you? Well I never. I never spoke those words -- I never wrote those words. I never said to Fraser 'I love you'. I couldn't. I suppose that's what you mean when you say I got issues?
So in a nutshell I never told him. I always thought he knew. Always. And I wished I had told him. I wished I had told the right person how I felt about him as I as sure as hell told the wrong person.
How did you feel after Fraser was gone?
Gone? Yeah I suppose 'gone' is the right word. After all Fraser left a long time before his body did.
I felt cheated. Here lying on the bed was an empty shell of a body and the person I knew as Benton Fraser was not living in that shell anymore. So I gave the body on the bed a new name. I called him 'Frank'.
Frank dribbled all the time and shat himself. I'd hold Frank's hand and watch his unseeing eyes stare into space. I'd watch him when he had seizures. And I would watch as the nurse changed his diaper.
I told Frank I loved him but really I wanted him to die. I didn't love Frank I loved Fraser. I hated Frank. While Frank was here I just didn't feel like I could say goodbye to Fraser you know. I couldn't mourn because all the doctors and nurses were saying Benton Fraser was laying in that bed only I knew the truth -- only I knew it wasn't Benton Fraser.
Every time they gave Frank a shot or more oxygen I just wanted to scream because they weren't saving Fraser they were saving Frank and I did not want Frank to be saved. I wanted Fraser to be saved but Fraser he weren't ever coming back.
Just Frank now lying in his place.
It was real easy to do. Just had to wait until they left me alone. Easy. I took the pillow and pressed it over Frank's face. Watched until that heart monitor thing buzzed and went into a straight line and all the doctors and nurses ran in.
I killed Frank. I didn't kill Fraser like they said I did 'cos Fraser didn't exist anymore. I killed Frank.
They said I had murdered Fraser.
And I was still holding the pillow over Frank's face.
End Dumb by Jodie Louise: firstname.lastname@example.org
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