by Shay Sheridan
Author's Notes: Written for the "Mendacity" Challenge at ds_flashfiction.
Story Notes: 481 words on the lies we tell ourselves.
Irritating, belligerent, argumentative and occasionally insulting, he is, in short, despite his appearance, almost exactly like Ray Vecchio. My heart is empty, but I will stay the course, if only because he is a good policeman. Perhaps there are things to be learned from him. Such as. . .well, such as how to render a malfeasant cooperative, if somewhat terrified, by sheer force of personality.
I won't go over there again. It's too difficult to sit that close to him, to smell him, watch him eat pizza messily, hear his unrestrained shouts when his team is winning, see his emotions play across his expressive face, feel the warmth of his arms as they're briefly flung across my shoulders, rub my leg against his thigh when I am certain he won't notice, do all of these things, knowing that he will never want me the way I want him. He loves women, he loves his ex-wife. He's told me so, many times. No, I won't go back.
"It's all right if you don't feel the same way."
If this ended between us tomorrow, I would be sad but I would endure. My life would continue fairly much as normal, and I would come to think of my time with Ray as an enriching experience. I would be satisfied. In any case, it's an inevitability. Everyone leaves, eventually. Everyone leaves me. Ray will, too.
Perhaps I can live here. Millions of people do. If it means having Ray, staying here in Chicago might be endurable. Difficult. Extremely difficult. But for Ray, I. . .I could do it.
I want that fucking Mountie to go back where he came from. I swear. . .! If he corrects me one more time, I will fucking take his head off. I wish I'd never met him.
Ooookay. . .where the hell did that dream come from? It's not like I've ever thought about another guy like that before. I mean, it's not like I'm queer, or anything.
"Oh yeah, Fraser, I just hate it when you put your tongue right th--aaaaahhh!"
"No, mom, I'm staying up here in Canada for a while because I need a vacation. . .just need time to think about stuff. Well, hey, it's been a tough year, ya know? It's not easy being someone else. And, there's, uh, Stella. That's it, too. I never had time to really deal with the divorce, you know, so maybe this'll be a long vacation, and Fraser says there's lots of stuff to do, which is pretty funny, because so far I haven't seen anything but snow, heh. Yeah, of course I'll call you. Don't know what the plans are. We're just gonna see what happens."
Of course I'm coming back. It's not like I'd stay here forever.
End Ten Lies by Shay Sheridan: RedChance@aol.com
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