Warning: More angst
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, or anyone. How did I get on this computer?
Summary: Continuation from "Sweetest Thing", Fraser gets close to the truth, but not close enough. Ray is still out of reach.
Notes: Yah, that's right. A sequel. It's contagious. I just like to see Fraser squirm. The more the better. Oh, and the U2 stuff is stuck with me for a while, which isn't so bad! The title is adapted from them and you will see more lyrics. This one is actually my favourite song of theirs. Therefore, I must indulge. It's only right, after all. Hmmm... also, does Ray seem a tad interested? Wink wink...
Please email me at email@example.com. No RayK bashing k? My nerves can't handle that.
I cannot believe it.
I just said it, didn't I? The words, 'Can we go back to your place?' just escaped my lips. He's looking at me now. Just looking at me. That lingering look that I had once longed for is now chilling me all over and I want it to stop. *Stop it, just stop.*
"I'm sorry, Ray. I rather would like to be taken home. Really, I'm quite tired," I say, trying to save myself from that burst of stupidity before. The night was going so well. I am already planning to berate myself quite cruelly when I arrive home.
"Actually, Frase. I... I don't mind, I mean I... You wanna come?" he asks me. His face looks like it's flushed. No, that's just the light in the restaurant. He couldn't be.
"I-No, it's all right, I have sentry duty early in the morning, so..." I leave the sentence hanging, hoping that would be enough.
"Well, okay. You can come, though. If you wanna," Ray offers again, looking down at his empty plate.
Of course I want to. I always want to be with him. I am physically restraining myself from jumping from the table, grabbing Ray and running for the car. It would be possible after all. But at the same time, I know it's impossible, and I am leaning back now, breathing out a ragged breath that I hope Ray doesn't notice.
"Thank you, Ray," I manage to get out without too much difficulty.
"No prob," he answers and I hear the hint of disappointment in his voice. I know it's not there, my mind is playing its cruel tricks again, but I wish it were. We're paying for the bill and once again we are inside the car, this time with Diefenbaker in the back. He whines until Ray tosses him the aptly named 'doggie bag', and, finally satisfied, lies back down to consume the leftovers that Ray saved for him.
The radio is on again. Familiar sounding music is playing, and Ray looks amazed when he informs me that it is once again U2, but a different song called 'Stay'. I am instantly thankful that it is not the sad song from this morning, but listening to these lyrics does nothing to placate me.
*If I could stay, then the night would give you up.*
I think I might laugh out loud. Or scream.
"This is one of the greats, Frase." Ray said, staring straight ahead. The street lights light up his face in rhythmic intervals as we drive down the streets. The bright harsh lights only compliment the lines and curves of his face. His beautiful skin.
I stop staring at him. Once again I want to strangle myself. Why do I do this? I know that I love him. But it is an irrational love. It is driven by this lust, this hunger for him that erupts within me, making the hurt unbearable. It chokes me until I can't breathe, and then I don't want to breathe because if I do I'll have to spend another day feeling emotionally and physically addicted to the most wonderful and horrible drug in this world.
"Frase, you all right?"
"Yes Ray, I'm fine." I am such a liar. A horrible one at that. And yet, he believes me, and goes on driving, not knowing that I would love to take him and have my way with him, to run my hands all over that slender frame and through his wonderfully playful hair, and pull him close and--
"You just seem quiet, that's all." The car is now paused at a red light, and his full attention is on me. I am suddenly speechless.
"I-I'm just tired," I admit. That much is true. I have not been sleeping well, for obvious reasons.
"'Kay." He smiles at me again, and I find myself smiling back, though I feel like banging my head against a wall. I am physically spent. Ray takes everything out of me until I am a shell of a person and he has no way of knowing it. My beautiful, beautiful Ray.
*And if you look, you look through me.
And when you talk, you talk at me.
And when I touch you, you don't feel anything.*
I want him. I have been feeling this for too long, and too strongly. I need him. I need his strength because I have nothing to hold on to. Mere thoughts that don't add up to any sort of satisfaction. I know what I want to say, I tell myself every *single* day but I just can't do it. He's right there, and then again he's not. He's completely out of my reach.
*Far away, so close...*
We're driving again, back to that street. The disappointment and emptiness is filling my chest again. He slows down and I know this is it. Another night ended and only the teasing awareness that tomorrow will be the same damn thing.
"Well, Frase," Ray begins, but I'm out the door and letting Dief out before he can continue. The window lowers again, though, and I am forced to once again lean in and listen to him.
"I guess I'll see ya tomorrow."
"All right Ray, good night."
The window is raising and I catch myself from grabbing at the door handle. I want him to come with me, into the Consulate, into my office, anywhere, just as long as I'm with him. The song's lyrics are still haunting me.
*Stay - and the night would be enough.*