Disclaimer: Alliance owns these guys, not me. They will be returned
in fairly good condition.
The title is a Bauhaus song, no infringment intended. This is a direct
sequel to Don't Look. I don't normally draw out my stories like this,
but it seemed there was no other way. Stella Kowalski is in this story.
Don't know why, but I like Stella. Somehow I find her an easy character
to relate to. Anyway, please give her chance. I think you'll be pleasantly
surprised. As I mentioned before Bauhaus was a major influence on this
story. It has a happy ending, but it is kind of morbid. You've been warned.
As always, any feedback is appreciated: Vassago@dazedandconfused.com
R for M/M premise, slash, drama, romance, violence, and death story.
All lovers young, All lovers must
Consign to thee and come to dust.
--William Shakespeare
'Cymbeline'
Of Lillies And Remains
by
Rae
I'm watching him from afar, waiting. His steps are swift, moving
quickly from one place to another. So much passion, so much energy. His
walk slows when he nears me and a thin smile crosses his lips. My tongue
runs along the inside of my cheek, yearning for a taste of those lips.
He puts his hand on my arm. "C'mon, Frase. Let's go." I detect the faint
scent of cologne, mingled with sweat as he passes me and my whole body
aches for him.
The streets are cold this night, lonely and so hateful. Inside his
apartment, we seem to be miles away for all of it. He's delicate tonight,
finding his way into my arms like a lost child. He cuddles against me,
his head resting on my shoulder. I enfold him tightly; I know he just
wants to be held. The strong muscles, so knotted with stress begin to
relax beneath my touch. "Benny.", he murmurs. I run my fingers through
his spiky blond hair. "You're beautiful, Ray.", I whisper.
"I love you." The reply.
"I love you, too." I lie back bringing him on top of me. He moans, brings
his legs up and sifts postion slighty to get more comfortable. I exhale
sharply as his elbow comes into my stomach. A grin plays across his lips.
He thinks I can't see it. I pull his arms forward, causing him to loose
balance. He falls onto me, the grin wider than before. "I'm going to
hurt you.", he mockingly threatens, a playful glint in his green eyes.
"Promise?" My 'punishment' is a deep, loving kiss. He takes my breath.
After a time he pulls away and curls up against me. I watch him closely
as he falls into sleep and then I join him. His soft breathing, the beating
of heart, the warmth of his body are all heaven. He is my life.
***
Benton Fraser awoke in a bed of twisted sheets and clothes. Sweats
trickled down his face, made a sticky path over his neck and chest. He
was the threshold of a dream, a memory that had not yet faded completely.
"Ray?" No answer. Beside the bed, Diefenbaker whined.
"Ray?" He reached around, groping in the darkness and finding nothing.
The wolf rose from his place and anxiously nudged the hands of his master,
trying to rouse him to complete conscienceness. "Ray?!" It was no longer
a query, but rather a desperate plea. Hands held his shoulders then,
shaking him. He gripped the arms, too delicate to be his lover's. "Fraser.
Wake up. Fraser!" A woman's voice, but familiar. Benny looked up, meeting
the eyes of Stella Kowalski. "You were dreaming again.", she said, relaxing
her hold on him, but not letting go. A lump formed in the Mountie's throat
as the realization came upon him. Ray was dead. The vision that had
haunted Fraser the few days before the drug bust had become a reality.
Detective Stanley Raymond Kowalski had been shot in an alleyway in the
early hours of the morning. He'd passed away before the ambulence even
arrived.
***
Stella had been contacted and Welsh had asked gently if she might
look in on Fraser. She could hear the stinging grief in the lieutentent's
voice, see the sorrow and guilt in his and Huey's eyes. When they showed
up on her doorstep she prayed silently that it was not about her ex-husband.
But her pleas fell on deaf ears and she had to exercise very much control
to not break down in front of these two men who seemed ready to fall
apart themselves. She went to Fraser because Ray had loved him and because....caring
for him would ease her own grief. The Consulate and several of Fraser's
known haunts proved fruitless, but she located him finally in Ray's apartment.
Benton had yanked all of Ray's clothes out of the closet and spread them
out of the bed. When she found him, his face was buried in a soft grey
turtleneck and his fingers were curled tightly around one of Ray's coat.
The sight of him broke her heart. "He always smelled so good.", Benny
had whispered. His eyes were swollen from ceaseless tears. Unknowing
of what to say, Stella sat down beside him, gathered the trembling Mountie
into her arms and together they cried.
*** Now
she cradled him in a tight, protective embrace. She spoke words of comfort
as she rocked him. Fraser's body shook with sobs. He'd seen it. The whole
thing. If he hadn't let Ray go or at least told him about the vision....
"Oh, God! I let him die!" This sudden outburst startled Stella, but her
hold on him only tightened. "No!", she said fiercely, "You didn't. You
gave him a reason to live." A small gasp, the sobs subsiding slightly.
"It should have been me...I-I should have been the one who was shot,
not him." At this she took his face into her hands, locked into the blood-shot
blue eyes. "Why? So Ray could be in your position now?" He fell silent
for a moment, unable to respond to the simple logic of her question.
But then Benny's hand came up to gently take hold of her wrist "Stella,
I can't- He was everything to me. I can't exist without him." She kissed
his forehead. "Oh, Benton." What else could she say? It was a relief
to hear him speak, whatever it was. The past few hours had been a collage
of nightmares and uncontrollable crying. She stroked his dark hair, thankful
to hear the throaty sobs dying away, replaced now by shaky breaths. Benton
took her hand to his lips and kissed the palm. "Thank you kindly, Stella.
You've been an incredible comfort." She smiled. "So have you." Standing
up, she took his hands and eased him from the bed. "Will you eat something?"
He blinked.
"I'm not very hungry-" The blonde shook her head.
"Please?" There was a certain anxious pleading in her eyes and he could
not refuse. "Yes.", he agreed wearily. A beautiful smile lit her face.
"Good." She smoothed the wrinkles in his clothes."I'll make something.
Why don't you get cleaned up?" He rubbed the excess moisture from his
eyes. "As you wish." Stella rose slightly to kiss him on the cheek before
leaving him to privacy.
***
Little things in the kitchen brought to mind he ex-husband. The open
box of Smarties on the counter, the unfinished cup of coffee beside it.
Even as she placed the eggs and bacon on the stove and set the heat to
low, a thin smile crept to her face. Ray would have set it to boil. Anything
to get the food done faster. Patience had never been one of his virtues.
She left breakfast and picked up the mug, dumping its contents into the
sink. She washed it slowly, dried it with a worn dish towel and put it
back in the cupboard. The Smarties were then gathered up and put into
the fridge. Stella searched for the plates and found a confused mess.
Plates were stacked on top of saucers, threatening to topple. It was
rainbow of dinner sets that had simply been put away without a thought
to organization. "Oh, Ray, look at this." She sighed and carefully removed
all from the cabinet. She took her time, putting sets together. So began
a cleaning spree. Stella set about organizing the whole kitchen. The
dish cloth would have to be replaced. It wasn't much more than string.
Now, where did Ray put the new ones? She went through the drawers. When
she opened the last one she found herself staring at....herself. It was
a picture of Ray and her on their honeymoon. He'd looked so handsome.
Badly sunburned, but handsome. 'Fallen asleep in the sun. Oh, yes. He'd
come back to the hotel room looking like a lobster. And what a big baby
he'd been. So whiny and pathetic that Stella couldn't help laughing as
she tended to his raw body. Too sore to get into a shirt, but not too
sore when she sought to remedy his pain with a bout of passionate love-making.'
Digging deeper she found more pictures, letters, poems he'd written.
Poems that she'd tossed back at him after the divorce. "Damnit, Ray!",
she hissed, fighting back tears.
***
The shower was soothing, but at the same time it brought back painful
memories. As Benny dried himself off and changed clothes he recalled
the times he and Ray had made love here. Aw who was he kidding? Was there
any place in this apartment where they hadn't made love? Well, the linen
closet maybe. He closed his eyes, remembering the slim body he had come
to know better than own, every curve, every hollow and imperfection.
He sighed deeply. How easy it is to loose yourself in fantasy and memories.
He shook off an urge to cry again. Stella had been so strong for him,
he needed to be there for her.
***
Eggs and bacon cooked on the stove. The familiar scent of breakfast
filled the apartment. Benton could hear quiet sniffling. Stella was standing
in front of a drawer, a crumpled paper crunched in a white knuckle grip.
She saw him from the corner of her eye and turned, quickly releasing
the paper. "Fraser." Her eyes darted to the stove. "I-I'm sorry. I-I
forgot about.." Benny reached the stove before she did, turning it off.
Stella wiped her eyes. "I'll get the plates." She offered him a weak,
forced smile as she opened the cupboard. She reached into grab the yellow
plates and in the process of pulling them out, toppled two mugs. Struggling
to prevent the mugs from dropping, Stella lost the plates as well. All
shattered against the floor, sending yellow ceramic scattering across
the kitchen. Benny began to pick up the pieces, but a harsh cry from
Stella stopped him. Her hand covered her face, muffling her sobs. Ben
stood and went to her even as she sank to the floor among the mess. As
his arms came around her, the sobs grew almost into sharps screams. Her
fingers dug into his shirt and she buried her face into his chest. "Stella.",
he whispered, smoothing her blonde hair. He noticed the paper she had
thrown down before and drew a free hand to pick it up. It was the vows
Ray had written for Stella on their wedding day. The hysterics ended
with almost the same abruptness with which they began. She sat back,
sniffing. "I'm sorry, Fraser." He touched her face lightly.
"It's alright, Stella." Her eyes closes and his fingers brushed away
the remaining tears. A deep, shaky breath from her. "I was-You know...."Another
breath. "He was always so sweet and I just-I don't know. I could be so
vicious. He loved-We loved each other and-and-and I can't look back on
it. I mean, how could I have done to him what I did?" Benny gazed at
her sadly. "You did what you felt was right. That's all you can do."
"If it was right-"She sighed."I just can't help but think that if we
were still married, that maybe... He wouldn't have taken this assignment
to be Ray Vecchio and none of this would have-And he'd still be alive."
"You can't control your fate." She hardly heard him speak.
"I know he was yours Fraser and he loved you. But, I-I loved him. Even
after you and he...Oh, God, I'm sorry." He smiled gently. "You have nothing
to apologize for Stella." She glanced at him now and he saw the real
Stella, practical, professional Stella in her smile. "We both need to
get our sanity back, huh?" Benny grinned and got his feet, lifting her
with him. "Yes, I suppose we do."
"I'll help you find yours if you help me find mine." He nodded.
"Agreed." She stepped over the broken pieces to the breakfast that was
cooling on the stove. Benny brought around another plate. "Aren't you
going to eat?", he asked as she placed the eggs and bacon into the plate.
"I'm not in the mood."
***
They sat in comfortable silence as Benny ate. Stella
was particularly fidgety. She stood suddenly and walked over to something
on the window sill that had captured her attention. Fraser watched as
she picked up two wooden hearts. Each had a tangle protuding from it.
She turned them over curiously. "Hey, Ben, where are these from?" The
Mountie shook his head.
"I don't know. Ray never mentioned where he got it. See, the two hearts
are connected by a Celtic loveknot, but putting it together is something
of a puzzle. Ray said it was a game for lovers, that if the hearts were
joined, it meant we would be together always." He smiled, tears again
drowning the ice blue orbs."He was a romantic." Stella smiled and nodded.
She remembered well. For a time she stood, trying to connect the knot,
but she quickly became frustrated and replaced it on the sill. Benton
watched her as she ran a hand through her hair and looked at the clock.
"You know, I think maybe we should spend the day here. Ray's parents
will probably be coming here to er, and, um, I would like to clean up
alittle." He smiled. "It is a wise idea." She sighed, glancing around
her.
"No, not really." A weak chuckle. "We could just stay here, listen to
music, eat ice cream or just talk." Benton was amused by her impulsive
carrying on. He nodded. At this she grinned and took her car keys from
the table. "Well, I'll go pick up some ice cream." At the door she stopped,
turning abruptly, "Anything I can get you?" Fraser shook his head. "O.k.
I'll be back soon."
***
As Benny watched Stella depart a terrible feeling of despair
came over him. Sweet Stella. She'd helped him more than he could imagine.
But...... "Oh, Ray. My life is with you.", Ben whispered, resting his
forehead against the cool glass. A whine near his feet and a wet nose
nudged his hand. "Diefenbaker." He knelt before his loyal companion,
burying his face into the wolf's soft fur. "You'll take care of Stella?"
The creature whined again.
"I know it's selfish. But try to understand. Ray was my mate." Dief sat
down, turning his head away from him. Ben straightened. "Please don't
be angry." His voice broke. The animal raised its head. Gazing at his
master, he barked and whined. The Mountie smiled. "Thank you, Diefenbaker."
The wolf acknowledged his appreciation and slipped beneath the coffee
table and lay his head between his paws.
***
Realization. Acceptance. Conviction. The power to see through the
haze of pain and loathing to push aside your fear and look upon the decision
you've made and accept that it is right. Not everyone will agree, but
you must do what you feel is correct. Benny sat at the table, scrawling
a note to Stella. She was not to blame herself, but try to understand
his reasons. Sometimes there is no way to heal the wound without destroying
the wounded. His mind was made up, but a twinge of guilt passed through
him as he wrote the words he'd uttered too often in his life. 'I am so
sorry.' He placed it in an envelope and taped it to the front door.
***
This done, Benton slowly made his way to Ray's bedroom. The detective's
gun was where he always left it, in the top drawer of tht nightstand.
Click the safety off. He stood in front of the bedroom window, looking
over the city he had come to call home. The people he had loved stared
up at him from the street. His mother, his father, Buck, Victoria, Ray
Vecchio and Ray Kowalski. Memories mixed, random. Benny's tears fell
as the images became a confused blur. The gun barrel pressed hard into
his temple and then an explosion shattered the quietly fading night.
***
Stella Kowalski put the ice cream under her arm and pulled the envelope
from the door. She walked into the apartment and left the groceries on
the kitchen counter as she drew out the note. Blood rushed to her cheeks
as she read and her heart and stomach collided. "Oh, God. Please." She
threw the letter down and moved through the apartment, crying out for
Fraser. Upon reaching the bedroom, she was met by Diefenbaker. The wolf
stood in the doorway, not allowing her to enter. "Dief." She was crying
now. The creature barked.
"Let me go!" Diefenbaker rose up on his hind legs and Stella took the
opportunity to push the wolf off balance and pass him.
Only Benny's legs were visible to her as she moved closer. A thin
spiral of smoke was rising from near the body and Stella gagged at the
stench of burnt hair and flesh. Diefenbaker was at her side, tugging
her her coat. She bgean to fell faint, dizzy as if she was within a dream,
on the verge of waking. Lips trembled and she froze suddenly as she finally
took notice of the splatter of blood across the window and along the
wall. Dief's insistence was needed no longer. Stella nearly tripped
as she rushed from the room. In the kitchen sink she vomited violently.
Soft cries as she rinsed her mouth and vomited again. Dief stayed with
her the whole time, whining his concern. "O.k. ", she gasped, "I-I have
to get out of here. We'll go downstairs and call the police from there."
She sobbed. Bracing herself against the counter , she attempted to bring
herself under control.
***
The keys were in her trembling hands, but dizziness and faitgue kept
her confused. She staggered around the apartment, with Dief underfoot.
Her breaths were short, raspy, gasping. 'Something's missing, something's
missing.' Her purse. She scrambled about, searching. It was here, but
she just couldn't see it. Digging around by the couch, the coffee table.
"Oh, God.", she gasped, not sure now much longer she had before her legs
gave out. 'Calm yourself.' The kitchen counter. The purse was as she
had left it, toppled with lipstick and compact falling out. As she gathered
them back into the bag, she was sure she saw a blur of red in front of
the window and turned, screaming. But there was nothing. No ghostly Mountie.
Only Diefenbaker, who sat gazing at something on the sill. The stench
that had overpowered her before was spreading around the rest of the
apartment. Somewhere in her mind, shots were fired over and over. Rubbing
her eyes hard, she swung her purse over her shoulder and went to the
door. "O.k. Diefenbaker. Let's go." She opened the door and stood in
the hallway, waiting. No wolf came. "Diefenbaker." Still nothing.
"Diefenbaker!", her call to him came in a sob. Stella had to leave this
place now or risk going mad.
***
She stormed back inside, searching for the wolf and half-expecting
to find him as before, in the bedroom. The very thought of venturing
back there brought the slimy, bitter taste of vomit to the back of her
throat. But Diefenbaker was still sitting before the window, his attention
focused on the sill. Relieved, Stella called to him. "Dief." The wolf
didn't move.
"Diefenbaker..", she said again. The animal did not even turn its head.
Moving back toward Dief, she angrily took hold of his collar. "Come,
damn you!" But then Stella noticed the object of the wolf's focus and
she released him. A smile crept to her lips. Her knees buckled and she
sank down next to the wolf. An overwhelming feeling of happiness and
peace came over her and she laughed. The light of morning stalked about
the room and the sun's thin golden fingers passed through the tight Celtic
loveknot that now held the hearts together in a bond never again breakable.