Disclaimer- Not mine, wish they were. Not making any cash. Haven't got any cash. Please don't sue me.
I have given this an R rating purely for language. (i.e. I have used the F word a couple of times).
This is the 8th part in my 'Whether or Not' Series which is now complete.
There have apartently been one or two problems with this in the past finding parts of my saga but as you can see I have linked all previously posted parts from here. If, however, you have any trouble finding any part of this saga please do not hesitate to contact me via email (click on authors name to send if you have a decent browser alternatively manual emails to vicki@telinco.co.uk)
Also I love comments, and eagerly await the day that some one gives me some constructive criticism. (Not got any yet...everyone is so nice... go pick me up on my bad spelling/grammar you know you want to.)
Ben looked at the note, reading it again and again.
'I'm sorry..'
Sorry for what? Leaving? Then why did she go. She loved him. She said so in the note.
"She's gone." He said out loud. He felt like crying but the tears refused to come. Picking Charlotte up, he walked through to the nursery, placing her lightly in the crib and then went to check Beth. Beth was awake, but pretending to be asleep. He walked over to her and sat on the edge of the bed, stroking her arm gently.
"She's gone, hasn't she?" Beth had amazing intuition for one so young.
Ben nodded. "She's gone, but she'll be back."
"How do you know?"
"Because she loves us."
The tears were visible in Beth's eyes. "When?"
"That I don't know."
"Will you stay with me 'til I fall to sleep?"
Ben lay on the bed next to her and wrapped his arms round her, pulling her head onto his chest and then Beth's tears came in earnest. Ben pulled her close to him, feeling her small body shake as the sobs wracked her tiny frame. Feeling the tears fall onto his under shirt, brought his feelings to the front. Finally his tears started to fall. Time past, neither of them knew how long. Eventually, Beth fell asleep on Ben's shoulder and Ben just lay there holding his small part of Tor. But all things come to an end and Charlotte's cry broke the mood. Ben climbed off the bed, being careful not to wake his eldest daughter, to attend to his youngest.
***
"Why don't you find her?" Ray sat with his friend in his office, trying not to lose his patience. It had been a month since Tor had left the house and Ben had been moping ever since. It was so unlike the Mountie. Usually, he would be on the case immediately, but something had stopped him pursuing her to the ends of the earth.
"She doesn't want to be found."
"How do you know that?"
"Well she hasn't phoned, hasn't written, hasn't tried to contact me in anyway."
"Do you know nothing about women?"
"Well apparently not."
"She wants you to find her."
"How do you know that?"
"Oh.. it's knight in shining armour syndrome. She's feeling low, she wants you to take notice of her, she wants you to save her. I mean that's how she got you in the first place right... you saved her."
"Hardly!"
"Yeah you did. Saved her from that cabin in the middle of nowhere."
"I suppose you could see it like that."
"I'd definitely see it like that."
"Well it's still no good. "
"What's no good?"
"I still don't know where she's gone. Even if I was going to search for her, I wouldn't know where to start."
"Well you can start by bringing Beth, and Charlotte around for dinner. Ma's having a cooking frenzy.. If you don't come we'll be eating left overs for two months rather than the usual one!"
"I don't know."
"Kowalski's coming."
"I still don't know..."
"Look do I have to 'phone The Dragon Lady and tell her to make it an order? 'Cause I will. You know I'm capable."
"Quite capable, I'm sure. All right you win Ray, I'll come."
****
"Have some more, Ben... caro... you are looking so thin.... Really ... you need feeding up."
"Thank you kindly, Mrs. Vecchio, I'm quite full."
"Nonsense, Frase, you've hardly touched anything, here give me your plate." Frannie took the plate, ignoring Ben's protestations and piled more pasta on to it.
"So what are you going to do now?" Stan asked Ben.
"Make posters, I guess, start asking around. She took a selection of clothing, so that's not really a clue. The note made no mention of anything else, no places, no friends, nothing... I don't really know where to start."
"Well, if you want I'll put out an APB."
"No, she left of her own free will, I can force her to do anything she doesn't want to do..."
"An APB doesn't do that though."
"I don't want an APB put out." Ben stated. "She'd never forgive me."
"Whatever.."
"I still don't get why she ran away." Frannie commented as she grabbed a hunk of bread.
"What did you say?" Ben asked looking suddenly excited.
"I said 'I still don't get why she ran away!'"
"That's it!"
"What's what?" Ray asked
"She ran away!"
"Yeah we all know that... your point?" Meg posed.
"She's run away before hasn't she.... when things got too tough to handle and where does she run to when she wants to be alone?"
"The cabin." Ray realised what Ben was getting at.
"The cabin."
****
"Thank you again Mrs. Vecchio for looking after the children, I know I'll never be able to repay you."
"Benton... Caro... You find your wife."
"BEN you want a lift to the airport or what?"
"Coming Ray,"
The drive to the airport was in silence. Pulling up in front of the terminal, Ben jumped from the back seat, and grabbed his pack from the trunk. "Thank you kindly, Ray."
"I hope you find her."
"He will." Meg said confidently.
"I wish I was as sure." Ben sounded nervous.
"A Mountie always gets his man." Meg said mock pomposity.
"Yeah but what about his woman?"
"You'll find her." Meg's voice had dropped into sincerity. "You'll find her." she squeezed his hand and returned to the Riv. Ben watched as the car drove away, adding to himself. "I hope you're right. I hope you're right."
****
Tor lay back on the bed. Why had she ever left this place? It had been a mistake. It was safe here. She'd always wanted to be safe. Here she'd had it all. Safety, the horses, a quiet life. Chicago had been a risk, a stupid one come to that, she'd had to sell the horses when she started up again in the States, if she'd stayed here she'd still have them. Still, give it a few weeks and she could buy a couple more. She'd miss Beth and Ben... but they were better off without her. She was a mess. She was no used to them anymore. No they were definitely better off without her, weren't they? Yes, buying a new horse was a really good idea, and with that thought she drifted off into a deep sleep.
****
As the plane landed, the night was drawing in, but for Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted police, sleep couldn't be further from his mind. He went straight to the car hire desk and acquired himself a white 'midsize' car. He climbed into the driving seat and looked at the controls. For the briefest second his resolve wavered. He rested his head on the steering wheel and sighed. Was he doing the right thing?
"Of course you are, Son." A voice he hadn't heard in years was being broadcast from somewhere over his left shoulder.
"Dad?"
"Yes Son?"
"Oh, it IS you."
"Who else?"
"Well the way this month's going, a psychopath with an axe would seem the most likely."
"Sorry to disappoint you, Son."
"I thought you'd gone."
"Well I had, and now I'm back."
"Why?"
"You're Mother was worried about you, she likes this Tor woman."
"How is she?"
"Tor?"
"Mum."
"She's dead, Son."
"Well, yes obviously, but apart from that."
"Oh apart from being dead, she is very well."
"Oh that's good."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know, for once in my life I don't know what to do."
"You've come this far."
"I know, and now I wonder if I should have just left her alone."
"You told me once you loved another Victoria."
"Yes."
"Did you love her?"
"No."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I love this one."
"And you know that for sure?"
"Yes. I know."
"How do you know."
"How does anyone know anything, I just know."
"Then you've already made your decision. Go get your woman.. and bring her back... alive."
"Well I wasn't thinking of killing her."
"Oh... Well." and with those words the Ghost disappeared.
Ben sighed and turned the key. The car sprung into life and pulled out of the underground car park.
**
Morning came and Tor climbed down the ladder into her living room. She rushed through to the kitchen and quickly made herself some toast before returning to the living room. She looked at the book case stuffed with books and selected a copy of some thick trashy novel, she had bought in an airport many years before. She settled back to read the well thumbed pages but she couldn't concentrate. Something was bugging her. She had this feeling in the pit of her stomach, a gnawing pain.
'Anyway' she thought putting the book down, Sam would be here in a minute.
Sam was a seventy five year old man who made a meagre living servicing boilers and heaters and generators and such like. He wasn't the most dynamic of men, but in this part of the world he didn't need to be. If the person who he was working for wasn't in he just got on with the job regardless. So he was never expected to be on time.
***
Ben walked up to the back door as he had done twice before. The first time seeking shelter from the pouring rain, the second seeking her. He hesitated for a moment before raising his fist and rapping it on the door, three short, sharp times.
***
Tor waited and waited and finally gave up waiting and went up stairs to do some cleaning. As her foot hit the top rung of the ladder, there was a knock at the back door. Sighing she started back down the stairs and she crossed into the kitchen, considering giving Sam a piece of her mind. However on further consideration it hardly seemed worth it. The man was old, he was not likely to change the habit of a life time. She found the biggest grin she could and plastered it on her face as she opened the door.
"BEN!" she gasped with astonishment.
"Hello Victoria."
"Hi." she managed.
"How come you knew where I was?"
"Lucky guess. May I come in?"
"I suppose."
***
They sat in uneasy silence for the next hour, exchanging only the trivialest of small talk. The weather, the roads, the state of the economy, anything but the topic that they both knew was inevitably going to arise. After 75 minutes of talking nothing, Ben finally broached the subject.
"Why?" The single word spoke volumes.
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry but that's not good enough, you owe me more than that."
"Do I?"
"You know you do."
"Yes I do, but I'm not sure where to start."
"Try the beginning."
"The beginning is so long ago now."
"I've got time."
"You don't know, you couldn't know, what I went through when I lost you. Alone in a new city, pregnant, scared, homeless, jobless and then after five years I find you, perfect you, and what's more rather than being the scum I thought you were, you manage to come out cleaner than Mrs. Vecchio's kitchen floor. So just when I'd learned to cope by hating you, you weren't hate-able any more. And then you took the one thing that I thought was truly mine away from me... You took my Beth."
"I didn't take Beth."
"No? The Mountie outfit, the way she runs to you, believe me Ben, intentionally or not you took her from me, you took her. And then your girlfriend comes back on to the scene. Bitch! Taking MY daughter, putting her life at risk... Shit..." Tears of anger flowed down Tor's face. "But once again, Mountie features here saves the day in your perfect uniform, with your perfect hair, and your perfect face and you perfect eyes."
"I don't deserve this."
"Don't you? Do you know how it feels to have your own child run past you when they have grazed their knee, you know, the first week we had Charlotte home she cried all day. She only stopped when you walked through the door at night. I mean, you didn't even have to hold her, you just walked into the fucking house for crying out loud. Benton Fraser, Mountie, perfect father, perfect husband, hero, legend, I just thought I can't compete any more, it's too hard, what's th--"
"Would you shut the fuck up." Ben's words were so unexpected they had the desired effect. She had never heard him angry before. "How dare you! It wasn't my fault... any of it. I know all that stuff in the beginning was hard, it was hard for me too, and what precisely should I have done differently huh? I'm not a mind reader you know. I have always taken the blame for it but it wasn't me, was it? WAS IT? No. And as for that stuff with her surely you can't hold me responsible for that. She did it. She was responsible. And as for Beth not needing you, YOU haven't had to watch her cry herself to sleep for the last three weeks nor have you had to listen to her ask when Mummy will be back, when you know you have no fucking idea. Call that a perfect father, being unable to comfort his own daughter? Do you? DO YOU? And as for the accusal of me being a perfect husband.. well... I'm obviously not, otherwise I'd have done something earlier, seen how unhappy you were... And as for being a hero, legend. Ha. I'm a cop, plain and simple, I do my job. You were the one who decided at eight months pregnant to go into work, whilst on maternity leave and save so many lives. You were the one who saved my life and Meg's not to mention the life of the woman that you have just professed to hating, who kidnapped you daughter. And you call me a hero! That's a joke. For god's sake Tor don't you think it's time you grew up, don't you think it's time you stopped being so selfish."
"Selfish?"
"Yeah, selfish. You have responsibilities now. Beth, Lottie, ME for Christ's sake. You can't just run away every time things get a bit tough. You've got to face your fears, get on with your life... Oh Geez.. What's the point. I'm going out... If that's what you think of me... well.... I'm going home. Good bye Victoria."
"Ben wait!"
He didn't wait. Less than two hours after Ben's small hire car drove up to her cabin, it turned round and followed it's tracks back the way they had come. Home, to where he was wanted. Where he was needed. He allowed himself to smile as he headed home towards his children.