as told to elaine
Well, I'm not used to doing this kind of thing, but I heard there were some stories going the rounds and they were about me. So I just wanna set the record straight, if you'll pardon the expression. Maybe I should start by introducing myself. My name is Deadeye, Deadeye Dick. Yeah, I know it's a dorky name, but what can I do about it? I'm stuck with it, right? Anyway, I'm using my own name, but I got nothin' to lose by it. Some of the others in this story ain't so lucky, so I've left their names out. Like my buddy. He's a cop, right? Think he wants his name to appear in this story? No way. So he's just my buddy, right? And if you want to speculate about who he really is, well I can't stop you. But you didn't hear it from me, OK?
Me and my buddy go back a long way, all the way really. It's like were joined at the hip. Or somewhere around there anyway. I was never much good with the finer points of biology. Anyway, you could say we grew up together. And we were always close, we talked. Oh, not so much lately as we did when we were teenagers, but we're still good friends. But there was one thing I never let my buddy know. Yeah, you guessed it. Let's just say my buddy never seemed to guess that I had a fondness for guys. Maybe I shoulda told him, but he always seemed so damned straight. Always talking about women. Of course I tried to join in the spirit of things, but my heart was never really in it.
Over the years I kept a watch on him. I guess I was hoping he might show a few signs, but it never happened, so I had to be careful. I mean, being a cop, he had to hang around in some pretty seedy places. You'd be surprised at the things I've seen. Man, it was hard not to react sometimes, like in the locker room at the Precinct. Or in the john. So much temptation. But I was careful. Didn't want to cause any trouble.
Then one day, he meets this guy. A Canadian. So polite! It's always "Thank you kindly" and "R_y, would you mind..." and all that kinda stuff. No wonder my buddy liked him. I liked him too. I've seen him a coupla times. Boy is he HOT! I coulda popped my cork for him anytime. But he looked even straighter than my buddy, so I never thought either of us stood a chance. That didn't stop me dreaming though... late at night, while my buddy was asleep... what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right? Besides, I needed the exercise. I hadn't been getting any lately.
I started thinking about the Canadian's buddy too. I'd never seen him, but he had to have one. I have an instinct about these things, and I'm never wrong, believe me. But you'd never know it from the way he behaved.
I can still remember the first time I saw him. He and my buddy had been climbing around in a dumpster. Somehow, the Canadian came out of it looking like a million bucks, but my buddy got some creepy-crawlies on him and couldn't get under a shower fast enough. Well anyway, I managed to get a quick peek and damn near gave myself away. What a butt! Great shoulders too. Luckily my buddy was preoccupied with getting those bugs off him, I was in such a lather I never could have hidden it from him otherwise.
After that I only had to hear his voice and I was having to think about cold showers. It went on like that for a long time. I was starting to get pretty peed off by it all, I can tell ya. I don't know when it started to change, but one day I noticed that my buddy was gettin' kinda warm (ya know what I mean? 'Course ya do...) when the Canadian was around. I was shocked, I can tell ya! All these years and he'd never told me. Of course I'd never told him either, but that was different. It was kinda entertaining for a while, but then the novelty wore off and I was even worse off than before.
It was bad enough when it was just me getting the hots for the big guy, but when my buddy joined in that made it ten times worse. He wasn't having much fun either. And if you think that my buddy was gonna help me get a look at the Canadian's buddy, well think again. Uh huh. Not a chance.
In the end, I just gave up. Tried my best to block it out when they were together. And they were together a helluva lot. I practically had to go into permanent hibernation. That's how come I don't really know what happened. But one evening we were around at the Canadian's apartment and I was trying to ignore what was happening like I usually did, when I realised they weren't talking the way they usually did. It was starting to sound like one of those silly romantic movies that my buddy used to take his girlfriends to, when he had girlfriends.
Next thing I know, I'm being pushed up against something big and solid (no, not that! Get your mind out of the gutter! Geez!) and I hear kissing noises and sighs and more kissing noises. By this time my buddy was getting pretty hot, I can tell ya. And he wasn't the only one. I was just about ready to murder the sadist who invented jockey shorts when my buddy moved and there I was nose to nose (so to speak) with the Canadian's buddy. Well, I was in love. Sure there were a few layers of cloth between us, but I just knew he was the one for me.
Well, I ain't gonna bore ya with the details... ya didn't really thing I was gonna kiss and tell, did ya? Let's just say we got acquainted. Intimately acquainted... and I tell ya, he's just the cutest! Quiet, though... he didn't have much to say for himself, but friendly, very friendly. I was in heaven. My buddy and the Canadian seemed pretty happy too. The four of us spent a LOT of time together over the next few days.
I shoulda known it was too good to last, but how could I have known there was trouble brewing?
It all started innocently enough. We were all sleeping when this noise started down on the street. Awful it was, but my buddy and the Canadian seemed to like it. Just to get in the swing of things, I gave the Canadian's buddy (he still hadn't told me his name and it was starting to annoy me) a friendly little nudge and things were progressing nicely when my buddy suddenly jumped out of bed and streaked over to the window. Talk about killing the mood!
As if that wasn't bad enough, he climbed out the window and started jumping up and down and screaming. By the time it was all over, I'd nearly frozen to death. Luckily, he came to his senses and got back into bed and we set about warming things up. And some things got very warm that night, if ya know what I mean.
It all turned out OK in the end. Next day the Canadian turned up at the Precinct. I could feel my buddy getting all hot and bothered, and I can tell ya, I nearly gave us both away. Thank God he wears those nice loose Armani trousers, is all I can say. It sure didn't surprise me that we left early, but I was starting to worry a bit. I'd have to pass him the word to be more discreet, or we'd both be outed before we knew what was happening.
Back at the apartment, we all set about becoming reacquainted, but I was starting to get fed up with the Canadian's buddy. I didn't mind that he was quiet, but refusing to tell me his name after all we meant to each other... well, I was beginning to wonder if there was any future in the relationship. My buddy and his friend were doing fine though, so I guessed that I'd have to go along with it, whether there was anything in it for me or not.
I was pretty surprised when I realised the two of them were talking about us. It didn't sound like my buddy was very happy either, so I really wasn't in the mood when the Canadian started giving me the old secret handshake. And then it sank in what they were saying. The Canadian had never given his buddy a proper name! I mean "penis"? What kind of name is that anyway? No wonder the poor baby was embarrassed to talk to me. But then, when it all seemed hopeless, my buddy came to the rescue.
Dudley likes his new name. And he likes my buddy for giving it to him. It's kinda sweet, like him. It suits him. He still doesn't talk much, but when all the action's over and our buddies are sleeping, he's great to snuggle up to.
Oh dear. This is rather difficult. You see, Deadeye's asked me to say a few words about my side of the story, but I have to admit to a certain feeling of... discomfort... at the thought of discussing my private life with a large group of strangers. It's just not what I'm used to. Also, from things that Deadeye has let slip, it appears that my life story is somewhat unusual... atypical, you could say. I must say that I'm not at all keen to expose myself... oh... oh dear, Deadeye has just informed me that this phrase has rather unfortunate connotations for our kind... perhaps I should just say that I'm concerned that I will show my life to have been somewhat lacking in some areas. That would be rather embarrassing.
>From all accounts, Deadeye has always enjoyed a rather close friendship with his buddy (as he calls him). That was not the case between myself and my person. It would not be far wrong to say that we have never been on terms of more than common politeness. Certainly not on a first name basis. In fact until I met Deadeye and his buddy, I had never heard of such a thing. But then my person IS rather reticent.
It may be due to some quality of the Tuktoyaktuk water supply, but my life has also been a lot more placid than it would appear is the norm. Though I have to admit that I sometimes entertain doubts as to whether Deadeye's exploits are quite so extensive as he claims them to be. But there is no escaping the fact that there are long periods of which I have little or no recollection and I can only assume I was experiencing some form of suspended animation.
In fact, and I blush to admit it, until recently, I laboured under the misapprehension that I was the only one of my kind in existence. I had never in my life seen another such as I until the day I met Deadeye for the first time. Need I say it was love at first sight?
It may seem difficult to believe this, I find it difficult to believe myself, now that Deadeye has so kindly pointed out to me the signs by which one can recognise a kindred spirit. They are everywhere! Thinking about that sometimes leaves me quite flustered. If only I had known sooner! Now, of course, I wouldn't consider being unfaithful to my beloved Deadeye, but still, a sense of lost opportunity haunts me a little...
Oh! Deadeye seems to think I may be rambling. He's told me to get on with the story. Well... I really don't have any memory of arriving in... um... the city... or of meeting Det... oops... Deadeye's buddy. It must have happened during one of those periods of suspended animation. I woke with a vengeance, however, when That Woman came to visit. Now, I do not wish to offend the sensibilities of those of the feminist persuasion, and I'm sure that Her intelligence and determination are most laudable, but I cannot approve of the uses to which She put those qualities. I still had vivid memories of Her last encounter with my person.
Well, that tawdry little episode was over quickly, if not exactly painlessly. And as they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Once fully awake, I found it impossible to fall back into slumber. The city is so much more stimulating and in so many unexpected ways. Of course, I noticed Deadeye's buddy immediately. How could I not? In almost every way he was the complete opposite of my person. He was rather compelling, and I found I was reacting somewhat... unexpectedly when he was in the vicinity.
It was surprising, to say the least, to find myself experiencing a similar reaction to that which I had suffered when That Woman was present. My person, however, seemed to be entirely unaware of it, which puzzled me until I realised that my reactions to Her had been fuelled by my person's perceptions of Her. This, it seemed, was happening entirely my own initiative. It gave me a remarkable sense of autonomy. I liked it.
At that time, I still had no inkling of the fact of Deadeye's existence, and although he thinks it very amusing, I have to say in my own defence, that the loose clothing that his buddy wears serves as very efficient camouflage. A fact of which he is quite well aware, I might add, and exploits shamelessly to his own advantage.
On That Fateful Night, I have to admit, I was not paying much attention to my person. I was feeling quite reckless, as I recall, and I allowed myself to... appreciate... Deadeye's buddy without considering the consequences. I like to think I played a small part in promoting the union between my person and his Friend, as I had no indication previously that there might be anything brewing in that quarter. Deadeye says that I simply missed the signs, but I think that it came as just as big a surprise to him as it did to me.
Almost before I knew what was happening, they had started to kiss and cuddle, and it was then that I became aware of some interesting developments in that area of the detective's anatomy that corresponded to my own location on my person's body. It was a strange sensation, both shocking and terribly exciting, and I was desperate to find out what the cause of it was, but the true reason for it did not occur to me.
I consider myself to be extremely well mannered, but I must admit that I was cursing the individual who had designed such heavily reinforced clothing. Fortunately, before I could disgrace myself utterly, Deadeye's buddy released me from my captivity. I tumbled free, feeling rather dazed, and found myself in extremely close proximity to a very interesting bulge. Little did I know that it concealed the Love Of My Life! Nobody could have been more surprised than I when HE appeared!
Mere words cannot do justice to his beauty. Moreover, modesty forbids that I should boast about my Love's comeliness, so I will only say that I was quite stunned by his appearance and could hardly begin to express myself to him. This, as it turned out, was to my benefit. Deadeye is extremely talkative. I learned a great deal in the next few days.
The Path Of True Love is not smooth, however, and I became aware of certain tensions which were developing between us, but which I felt powerless to overcome. I was bitterly ashamed that my person had not seen fit to endow me with a name as was my right. I felt this neglect very keenly and could not bear to admit the fact to Deadeye, who was becoming quite irritated with me. I feared the worst would happen.
When I realised that Deadeye's buddy had raised the subject, I didn't know whether to be relieved or humiliated. My person, however seemed totally unaware of his responsibilities. At least his neglect had been caused by ignorance, rather than the maliciousness I had feared. My shameful secret was revealed, but it could have been much worse, I suppose. Certainly I will never forget the wonderful gift bestowed on me by Deadeye's buddy.
He is a Prince Among Men, and I consider it a small repayment of his generosity to commit myself to ensuring that my person will never be allowed the opportunity to stray. Of course this means that Deadeye and I will never be parted, but my motives were entirely altruistic, no matter what Deadeye says.