Rated PG-13 for m/m interaction
Disclaimer : Alliance owns Ray and Benton...darnit!
Note : 'Affidavit' is a sequel to another earlier piece of mine, 'Insomnia'.
I guess one would have to read that first before this makes any marginal
sense. And it's a little more downbeat. Sometimes, matter takes on a
different perspective the morning after...
For Larissa. And Raa who liked it better the second time around :)
Ray closed his eyes and sighed moodily. He stretched his arms above
head, laced his hands together and popped his knuckles. An innocuous soft
snapping noise that still, somehow, came out sounding extremely irritable.
"He's doing it again." Elaine, walking by, whispered softly to Huey
"I know and it's scaring the shit outta Mason, I tell you. The guy's
unable to piss properly ever since he lost the lead in the Granville murder
case yesterday." He jerked his head in the direction of a middle-aged man
whose desk was located a few meters away from Ray's and who was at the
moment, gawking with extreme agitated trepidation at the knuckle-cracking
"He keeps expecting Vecchio to jump down his throat again and tear
out with his bare fist." Huey said.
Elaine giggled furtively. "Knowing Ray, it wouldn't be that far-fetch.
that would make it knuckle-cracking number...?"
"Ten. I counted at least ten times during the last two hours. Either
suffering from a nerve disorder or his knuckles have taken a life of their
The curly-haired woman looked impressed. "Wow, that many? He must
mad about something."
"Tell me about it." Huey rolled his eyes. "When's Vecchio *not* mad
Unaware that his fellow cops were gossiping merrily about him (which
just as well for them), a mere few feet away, Ray laced his hands behind his
neck, stretched and turned his gaze up at the ceiling in angry frustration.
Contrary to what Elaine and Huey were speculating, Ray wasn't angry but
rather, confused. Very confused. And he didn't like being confused at all.
He's going to be here any minute. Damn. I don't know if I want to
No, that's not right, I don't know if I'm *ready* to see him. Oh God, how
did I get into this mess? Ray's thoughts churned like a nauseous stomach on
a heaving ship sailing on stormy seas.
As there was no answer forthcoming from the Supreme Being, Ray settled
something more mundane. He put his hands together and started cracking his
knuckles again, only this time he was doing each joint individually.
Starting with his left and then proceeding methodically to his right.
Crack, pop, craaack...
Detective Henry Mason of the Chicago PD looked as if he was going
to have an
apoplexy attack at any moment now.
Taking pity on poor Mason, Elaine sauntered over to Ray's desk. She
one palm on the flat surface and leaned forward to inspect Ray's hands
closely. "Hmmm...yeah, just what I thought." she murmured lightly, causing
the detective to narrow his eyes suspiciously at her. "Yep. You've done it
at last. Congratulations, Vecchio."
"What did *I* do now?" Ray growled at her. He wasn't in the mood for games.
"Ray, I don't know if you've noticed but I think you just broke all
your knuckles. See the bones peeping out of your skin there and...there."
She grinned. "Cool."
"Haha." Ray shot back sardonically but he did however stop the senseless
destruction his hands a bit self-consciously and clenched them on either
side of his chair rests instead.
"If you're trying to torture Mason for losing your lead, there are
humane ways to go about it, you know. But knuckles, Ray? Oh, that's *really*
barbaric." Elaine waggled her head in mock reproach.
"Mason? What has he got to do with anything?"
Elaine shook her head and smiled pityingly. "Never mind, just forget
She changed the subject instead. "Is Fraser coming round? I missed him the
last couple of times he was here." The policewoman's eyes positively gleamed
with a veritable carnal light as she spoke about the Mountie of her dreams.
At the mention his friend's name, Ray's knuckles gripped the armrests
more tightly, the thin skin stretching over the bones until they looked as
though they were going to split open to reveal white ivory beneath.
But none of the strain showed in his voice as he answered brusquely.
be here any minute, I think. So you can salivate over him as much as you
want then. Don't drool on me is all I ask. I just had this suit cleaned."
Ray was faintly amazed at how his normal his own voice sounded. Especially
when the mention of Fraser bought back to him memories of the night before
when his friend had abruptly and unexpectedly blurted out that he was in
love with him. In love with Ray Vecchio. And although he hadn't rejected
Fraser, he hadn't exactly said that he loved him back either. He just said
that he thought he *could* fall in love with Fraser.
Ray knew that he cared for Fraser, he waded knee-deep in garbage for
guy, for cryin' out loud! But love? That was a whole new ball game entirely.
And Ray would never had expected Fraser in a million years to throw a curve
at him. Benton Fraser loves Ray Vecchio. Maybe weirder things have happened
but Ray was having trouble remembering some of them now.
But it wasn't Fraser's declaration of love that was troubling him
was the thing that happened *after* that was bothering him.
He was recalling last night with almost painful picture-sharp clarity.
Fraser's kiss...the imprint of his lips against Ray's, his tongue stroking
the inside of his mouth, tasting him, devouring him whole. Fraser's hands on
his skin, the palms so warm, touching, feeling every inch of his body until
he thought he would burst into a million fragmented pieces from sheer want.
Fraser pleasuring him with his hands and then later, after he had one of the
most extreme climaxes of his life, he did the same to his friend. Using just
his fingers, he had lightly caressed his friend's hardness, unsure at first
what to do, but gaining confidence when Fraser arched his body against his,
clearly wanting more. And when he came, Fraser had whispered Ray's name,
harshly, over and over again.
Oh God, he had actually made love to Benton Fraser. The mere thought
the mind. Ray's mind to be exact.
He had to clench his teeth together hard, to prevent a hysterical
escaping him. He was afraid that if he started laughing, he might never stop.
"If you're finished insulting me now, I'll be going--" Elaine, looking
miffed, was about to flounce away when she suddenly caught sight of
something and she stared with increasing intensity at Ray's profile. "Ray?
Is that a--" She clapped a hand across her mouth as her eyes grew wide.
"What? Is that a what? Quit staring at me like that!" Ray said, flustered.
"You're giving me the creeps."
Ignoring him, Elaine leaned her head forward to examine what had caught
interest more closely and Ray automatically leaned his own face back until
he was about ready to topple over from his chair. He planted his two feet
firmly on the floor to steady himself. What? Did he have the words, 'I had
sex with a Canadian Mountie last night', tattooed on his forehead or
Abruptly, the policewoman shot out her hand, lightning quick and roughly
snatched at his shirt collar to pull it back from his neck. "Elaine!" Ray
squawked out in startled protest. "Stop that!"
"It is! Ohmygawd, Ray! You've got a *hickey* on your neck!" Elaine
delight, her eyes twinkling in broad amusement.
Ray's face grew hot as he spluttered, "No, I don't. I...I cut myself
shaving, that's all." He resisted the urge to reach up and clap one hand
over the said hickey.
"Then why are you blushing?" Elaine said in triumph. This was kinda
she was thinking mercilessly, Ray Vecchio actually reddening like a
schoolgirl that had been caught making out in the backseat of a car. Oh,
this was *too* good a chance to pass up.
"And it--," she pointed with one finger near the region of Ray's left
of his neck, "--doesn't look like a shaving cut to *me* at all. That is
definitely a hickey!" She rummaged in her pocket to draw out a small powder
compact and deftly flip opened the lid to reveal a mirror hidden inside.
"Here, look for yourself." Elaine held the small mirror inches away
Ray's neck and he craned his eyes to see and sure enough, there was a large
purplish blue bruise just visible above the collar with faint imprints,
suggesting of teeth marks, around it.
Oh hell, Ray groaned silently. How could he have missed *that*? He
remembered now with a mental wince of Benny biting him, not once, but many
times during their impromptu love-making last night. Bitten him with almost
ferocious intent. Branding him. And what more, he had actually found the
sensations of his friend's teeth nipping at his skin highly erotic.
He could feel all the blood rushing to his face. I look like a goddamed
tomato, he cursed in his mind, hoping frantically that his dark complexion
would hide his flush.
"Ray's got a hickey, Ray's got a hickey!" Elaine chanted in a annoyingly
sing-song voice, making Ray wonder if he could get away with clobbering a
fellow law enforcer with the stone paperweight sitting on his desk. The very
*heavy* stone paperweight on his desk. He wouldn't kill her of course, just
knock her hard enough to shut her up.
"Elaine, stop it! People are staring!" Ray hissed, embarrassed.
"Let them. Oh my, Ray, that's like the mother of all hickeys. What
do? Made a date with a vampire yesterday night? Well, whoever she was, she
sure marked you good." Elaine badgered relentlessly, a wicked smile curving
her lips. "Who is she, Ray? Someone I know? Someone from the department?
Come on, you can tell me." she wheedled.
"Cool it, Elaine." Ray frowned acidly at her. "I am not gonna broadcast
personal life to the rest of the precinct. And especially not to *you*, Miss
'I can't keep a secret to save my life'."
"Ha, you do know that I'll find out sooner or later, don't you? So
as well just tell me and save yourself a lot of embarrassment."
"Just because you have no life doesn't mean you can get your cheap
by snooping into others."
"I do so have a life!"
"I hate to tell you this but playing bingo at church on Fridays doesn't
constitute a life." Ray tossed back sarcastically.
"Raaay Vecchio!! Ugh! I am going *to*..." Elaine's heated words broke
half-way in mid-screech when a new voice cut in hesitantly.
"Am I interrupting anything?" Fraser asked, ostensibly addressing
his eyes were fixed hungrily upon one disconcerted Italian detective.
"Fraser! Hi!" The libidinous gleam was back in Elaine's own eyes as
smiled beamingly at the red-uniformed Mountie who had walked in unaware by
both cops. "No, you weren't interrupting anything. Ray was just showing me
Ray's head had immediately dropped down to his desk at the sound of
voice and to all eyes and purposes, he was now busily examining the
varnished surface of his desk.
"Ray?" Fraser said hesitantly. He had woken up today, alone in bed,
his friend gone and he had been more than half-afraid, gone from his life as
well. Maybe it had been a mistake, a horrible mistake to have told Ray how
he felt about him. But try as he might, he couldn't make himself regret
making love to Ray, it had felt so *right* and so very good...
He had went to Consulate this morning as usual but all he could think
Ray and the feel of that supple body in his arms, remembering how sweet it
had been to hold him and love him.
"Hello, Ray." Fraser said inadequately, never feeling so helpless
as he did
Ray muttered something unintelligible and kept his head down, still
to look at Fraser.
The feel of bare skin caressing bare skin. Lips and tongues meeting,
duelling, igniting a fiery-sweet passion. Soft cries and yells breaking the
darkness that surrounded their love-making...Ray felt himself grow warm,
then cold, then burning hot again when he remembered the touch of Fraser's
hands on his naked skin.
"Hey! Why don't you show him your hickey! Looks like somebody got
yesterday." Elaine teased again and Ray finally lifted his head to glare at
her. His fingers inched towards the paperweight on his desk in an
unconscious motion. Okay, that does it, fellow cop or no fellow cop, he was
going to kill her right now, God help him.
He sucked in a breath to steady himself, willing himself not to look
impulse was too strong, and so he finally sneaked a glance up at Fraser who
met his eyes with hopeful blue ones. He flushed a dull red when he saw the
desire and longing burning from his friend's eyes, reflecting back at him.
And he saw too that Fraser was recalling last night.
Damn it, Benny, don't look at me like that, at least not in here!
He could almost feel the physical burden of Fraser's love settling
shoulders. Ray didn't know when his friend had fallen in love with him,
didn't even know *why*. But that didn't matter, what mattered was that he
was afraid. Afraid that Fraser might say that he loved Ray Vecchio today and
even mean it for the moment but what about tomorrow and an eternity of
tomorrows to come? Would he still say it? All his little insecurities loomed
so large before him that he thought he was going to choke.
Simply put, Ray was terrified. Of Fraser loving him. Of him loving Fraser.
"Fraser? Ray? Excuse me, but are you guys all right?" They had completely
forgotten about Elaine and who was now staring from one man to another, a
speculative look on her face. "Is there something I should know?"
Sure, why don't I just blurt it out, the man of your dreams is actually
love with me. How do I know that? Simple, he told me last night and after
which, we proceeded to fuck each other, fast and furiously, Ray was thinking
in a cynical rush. Oh, nothing too hard-core, just mutual jerking off. But
it was one of the most intense experience I have ever had. It totally blew
my mind away. If that's what a simple hand-job could do, what would it be
like if we really fuck each other for real?
At that thought, he couldn't help but shiver a little. And not from
No, it wasn't fear...
By the way, did I also neglect to mention that Benny's the one who
this hickey too. Apparently, the guy likes to bite while he's doing it.
Sure, I could tell Elaine all that, why the hell not?
Ray's face twisted into a slight grimace then, imagining the policewoman's
reaction if he really did blurt out all that he just thought.
"Nothing", was what he actually said out loud, "Nothing's wrong."
He had to
take this somewhere private before he burst a whole lot more blood
capillaries in his brain and had a goddamned stroke on the spot. He stood
up, avoiding looking directly into Fraser's face and pushed him towards the
direction of the one place in the precinct where they might have *some*
"Sorry, got some stuff I need to go over with Benny. I'll let you
him later." Ray muttered hurriedly as he hustled Fraser past a curious
Even when the door slammed shut and the relative darkness of the closet
enveloped them, Ray still found it hard to bring himself to look directly at
his friend. And standing in such close proximity to Fraser wasn't helping
Okay, maybe the closet wasn't such a hot idea, Ray realised a bit belatedly.
He was seriously in favour of turning chicken and just getting the
of there when hands firmly grabbed the sides of his face in an unbreakable
hold to tip his head up. And he found himself being suddenly and
His first instinct was to push himself away but somehow, his hands
treacherous and instead of pulling away, he was pulling himself in closer,
fitting his body against Fraser's, his fists clutching at Fraser's
All thoughts fled from Ray's overwrought mind as lips met and tongues
tangled. All that he could think of, could feel, at that one moment, was the
contrasting textures of Fraser's kiss.
Fraser's tongue rasped against his lips, demanding entrance and Ray
his mouth half-involuntarily to let him in. He drew Ray's own tongue back
into his mouth to suck and nibble at it voraciously, scraping his teeth
lightly over the sensitive surface. Ray made a small sound, consisting
partly a sigh and more of a moan when Fraser abruptly broke the kiss to
concentrate his attentions on Ray's right ear, driving the detective nuts
with teasing little darts of his tongue.
He's getting good at this, Ray thought dazedly as Fraser bit gently
lobe, making him stifle back a cry.
Fraser then lowered his head to nuzzle Ray's neck and he delicately
his lips over the hickey that he had been responsible for.
"Sorry, Ray. I hadn't mean to be that rough..." Fraser breathed
apologetically, knowing that he should halt and cease this...this *mauling*
of his friend right now. But like last night, he couldn't.
No, he had to stop. Had to because Ray didn't love him. Yet.
With that sobering thought, he wrestled back control again. But it
and for a while, he thought he couldn't, not when he could feel every inch
of Ray's body pressed against his own.
"Ray, we can't do this." he managed hoarsely as he reluctantly pulled back.
Ray nodded slowly, trying to catch his breath again. "Yeah, I know."
Fraser cleared his throat, the raspy sound resoundingly loud in the
cramped space. "Ray...last night..." Last night was something I will never
regret even if you do.
Ray looked away. "Last night was a mistake."
"Oh." was all Fraser could say, at a loss.
"No, I didn't mean it like that." Ray tried to explain. "Last night,
we...when we...you know." he trailed off and turned red instead. "It
was...good. Shit, it was better than good, it was fuckin' mind-blowing,
okay?" he said almost angrily.
"Oh." repeated Fraser, blushing a little like Ray, but his complexion
paler so his flush showed more prominently on his face. "Um...is that a good
thing?" he ventured to ask.
"No. Yes. No, I don't know! All I know is that we shouldn't have had
complicates things. And that's the problem, Benny, don't you get it? I don't
want to love you for the wrong reasons."
"Would it matter if I said that I love you for the right reasons?"
told Ray quietly.
"And how would you know that? How would you know it's love, huh? Huh,
How do you *know*?" Ray asked, suddenly furious and his rage made him cruel.
"Maybe you're just lonely and dying for a screw and I just happened to be
convenient. How do you know you're not confusing sex for love?" The words
poured out of Ray like a waterfall, destructive, brutal and implacable. "Sex
ain't love, Benny." he bit out, "You don't love me, you just think you do."
"No!" Fraser said forcefully. "I do love you. Because...well...because
just *do*. Because you're Ray." Because every time I see you, I get this odd
feeling of completeness. Because my heart jumps a beat every time you
touched me. Because I can't imagine not being around you, seeing you,
anymore. You have become that important to me. But Fraser just gazed
helplessly at Ray, unable to articulate all that he felt into actual
vocalised words. "Ray, I know what I feel and I love you." was all he could
utter, pouring his heart behind each simple syllable.
A part of Ray was hating himself for being responsible for the pain
radiated from Fraser's agonised features. But another part, the part that
was scared of caring, scared of the implications of really loving another
person, overwhelmed him and so, he just gave a casual shrug. A simple reflex
action that somehow riveted Fraser's attention by it's sensual gracefulness.
"So you say." Ray told Fraser, his voice hard. "Prove it."
Fraser blinked, tearing his eyes away from Ray's thin shoulders, suppressing
a sudden urge to grab Ray and maul him once more, "Prove my love?" he asked,
not sure that he heard correctly.
"Sure, why the hell not?' Ray crossed his arms against his chest.
you want me to believe that you love me, yeah? Fine. Prove it. Go jump off a
mountain or something. Go swim the widest, deepest river in the Yukon. Go
shout it from the rooftops. Do *something* that will make me believe you."
Okay, this was getting bizarre, getting his best friend to prove his love
for him, Ray conceded but he needed affirmation, hard evidence that Fraser
did really love him and wasn't just imprinting a feeling of loneliness or
home-sickness onto their friendship, turning it into something that was not
"Ray, I can't prove something that I feel in my heart." Fraser replied
frustratedly. How could he make Ray *understand*? "You want me to show that
I care for you but how?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Ray, you're not being reasonable here."
"Yeah, well, who ever said love was reasonable?" Ray retorted belligerently.
"You want me, you gotta earn me."
"Earn you? Oh, Ray..." Fraser didn't know whether to laugh or kiss
they both expired from asxiphyation. He opened his mouth to speak but before
he could say anything, there was a loud knock on the door that interrupted
him and startled the both of them.
"What! I'm a little busy here!" Ray shouted in irritation.
A crack opened, letting a flood of white light in, illuminating the
closet. Elaine poked her head around cautiously. Her eyes widened a little
when she noticed how close the two men seemed to be standing together, not
to mention that the tension in the small, narrow room was thick enough to
slice with a knife. But she wisely said nothing about it. "Lieutenant Welsh
said that if you're done with Fraser here, there's a situation downtown that
requires your attention. Kid with a gun in a drugstore and he's holding a
couple of people, customers, hostage. Welsh wants you there pronto."
Actually, what the good Lieutenant had really yelled was, 'Where the
Vecchio? Tell him to get his ass down NOW before I kick it for him!' but
Elaine saw no harm in doing a little creative editing.
"Tell him I'm there." Ray was already out the door when he stopped
turned back to Fraser impatiently. "Are you coming or are you going to stand
there all day like a stuffed animal?" And walked away without another
Fraser emitted a small exhalation of breath before following Ray.
Earn Ray's love? Very well, if that's what he had to do to make Ray
he'll do it. An expression of resolute determination settled over Fraser's
features as he hurried behind the man he loved.
After all, Ray was certainly more than worth it.
The gunman, just a kid really, sixteen or seventeen tops, his eyes
feverish-bright with the unmistakable glitter of a junkie, burst through the
door of the convenience store. He was holding a screaming woman by her neck,
pressing his gun against her forehead and spittle flecked his lips as he
shouted that he was going to kill her if they don't let him go.
Ray stepped forward, after motioning for the rest to hold their fire,
voice calm and reasonable but the boy was on edge, practically teetering on
the brink of an abyss and none of Ray's words got through him.
"You don't want to do that." Ray warned. "Don't be stupid, kid."
The boy's eyes darted madly from side to side, looking desperately
for a way
to escape but all he could see were cops surrounding him, the flashing
lights and unrelenting wails of police sirens. And the merciless glint of
steel aimed at him. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You come near me and I swear
to God I'll shoot her! I'll blow her fuckin' brains away!" he screamed and
cocked his gun, causing his hostage to cry even harder. "I want a car and a
driver now! Now!"
"You ain't getting shit." Ray told him, his tone remorseless. "Come
the lady walk. She's done nothing to you. And there's nowhere to go and you
The boy stared at him then, the look in his eyes becoming hopeless
miserable and the hand that held the gun to the woman's forehead wavered and
started to drop. And Ray remembered to breathe. "That's it, no one needs to
be hurt. Just let her go and everything will be okay." the detective said
But then something happened. Something changed. Ray could see it in
boy's eyes. The look of hopelessness changed into something else in that
instant. And Ray knew he had made a mistake. A big one.
"Liar! You're lying to me! Nothing's fucking okay! I'm gonna get life,
know it!" The boy screamed violently and shoved his hostage away from him as
he aimed the gun at Ray instead now. The woman fell, her own hysterical
screams mingling with that of the boy's. "I'm not going to jail! Fuck you
and them all!" he spat out venomously, the glare of drugged madness
intensifying in his eyes. The junkie cocked the gun at him and Ray didn't
have time to duck or even speak when he found his line of sight suddenly
blocked by red.
Red as in the red serge of a Royal Canadian Mounted Police's uniform.
"Benny?! Get the hell away from here!" Ray yelled, trying frantically
shove the Mountie away from in front of him. "Are you insane?"
"No, Ray, I'm not insane. Unless you call saving your life an act
insanity. Do you?"
"Do I what?!"
"Call saving your life an insanity. I've been meaning to ask you this
you don't happened to harbour a death-wish by chance, do you? Ray?" Fraser
had a worried look etched on his face, his head twisting over his shoulder
as he asked. "Because I have noticed your tendencies to rush into highly
dangerous situations at times. I would hesitate to call it foolhardy but
really, Ray, I can find no other word for your actions sometimes."
"Fraser!" Ray couldn't believe they were having this conversation
middle of a shoot-out. "Move, damn you!" But push as he might, Fraser
wouldn't budge an inch.
The gunman was confused for the moment when the Mountie had stepped
unannounced and that brief instant of distraction was what saved both men's
lives. He didn't shoot although he was very close to it, another
second...and suddenly a single gunshot did flare out, piercing the already
noisy air with it's sharp retort.
Ray, for a split second, felt his heart stopped beating. He thought
had opened fire at Fraser and his mind was screaming denial now. No! No! NO!
But the figure before him remained standing, shielding him and Ray
noticed that it wasn't Fraser that was hit. He peered round and saw that the
gunman lying face-down on the concrete floor, the top half of his head gone,
leaving just a bloodied mess of hair and flesh. Another cop had seized the
moment of confusion to shoot and his aim had been clear and true. Most of
the junkie's brain was now scattered over the ground and over the screaming
Ray swallowed hard, imagining that the body lying there could have
For the rest of the day, he had remained tight-lipped, not trusting
to speak. They went back to the precinct where Ray filled out a report on
the shooting, and Fraser waited patiently, not speaking either. Even the
clacking of the typewriter keys as Ray hit them forcefully sounded enraged.
It went on like that, the silence hovering around the two of them like a
live thing until they reached Fraser's apartment, late in the evening.
"You're angry with me, aren't you?" Fraser asked at last.
Ray violently kicked open the door to Fraser's apartment with one
angry? Whatever gave you that idea? I'm not angry." Walking ahead of Fraser,
he strode, with quick fuming steps, to the end of the room to stare out at
the window. "I am not angry." he said through clenched teeth. "I am *pissed*."
He whipped round to face Fraser who was closing the door quietly behind
"You could have been killed! The kid was so pumped with coke that he
wouldn't have recognised his own mother if she was there!" he shouted with
rage, with fear. With relief. Relief that Fraser *wasn't* dead. "What were
you thinking of, jumping in front of me like that!" But the relief only
served to heighten the wrath Ray was feeling rather than detract from it.
"He would have shot you, Ray if I didn't."
Ray stood still for one endless second before his fist abruptly came
smacked the wall beside him. Pain flared, sharp and excruciating. But it
felt good, so good that Ray did it again, only harder this time. His
knuckles came away, bruised and reddened but the pain helped distract him.
Helped distract him from how much he wanted to grab Fraser's head instead
and bang *that* against the wall.
"Ray. Don't." Fraser came up before him and slid one arm behind his
drawing him into a close embrace. He brought up the bruised fist with his
hand and gently ran his lips over each battered knuckle. "Never hurt
yourself because of me." he said softly, gazing into Ray's face.
Ray gave a small shudder and Fraser could feel a tremor running through
friend's slender frame. But he was still mad, and thus he pushed Fraser
away, not hard but firmly enough to indicate his displeasure. Fraser let his
arms dropped back to his side but otherwise remained where he was.
"Just what the hell were you trying to prove--" Ray's heated words
abruptly and his mouth closed shut with an audible snap. He shook his head.
"Please don't tell me that you were trying to..." he trailed off
"Well," Fraser cocked his head slightly to one side, "You did say
proof. So I gave it to you." he replied seriously.
"I *said* don't tell me!" Ray threw up his hands. "Jesus! I never
you to prove it by getting a bullet in your gut!"
"Ray. I would never let you be hurt. And it did seem like a perfect
"Benny, you could have *died*!" Ray yelled heatedly, cutting him off.
it through that stupid hat of yours and into your head, you crazy Mountie!
You could have *died*! Your body could be lying in the morgue right now and
I would have lost you!"
"And I would have lost *you*, Ray, if that unfortunate boy had killed
And I would have him shoot me first if that had happened rather than face a
lifetime without you. Do you understand, Ray? I would rather die than be
without you." Fraser said simply but his blue eyes were intense as he willed
Ray to believe his words.
"Benny." Ray whispered now, the enormity of what had happened that
really sinking into his conscious mind now. "Oh God, Benny." The fury left
him then, leaving only tired weariness behind. He would have slid to the
ground to puddle in a boneless heap if Fraser hadn't caught him quickly and
held him close once more.
"Do you believe me now? Ray?" Fraser asked, his words blowing a soft,
intimate breeze against Ray's ear. His hands rubbed the small of Ray's back
in soothing circular motions as he melded their bodies together, fitting
them tightly. He was getting aroused from just breathing in the intimate
scent of Ray's sweat and cologne but he controlled himself. No, not yet. Ray
Ray buried his face against Fraser's shoulder. "Damn you, Benny. If
died, I would never have been able to tell you...tell you..." Ray's voice
stumbled and hesitated.
"Tell me what, Ray?"
Ray lifted his head up and stared into Fraser's eyes. "That I love
said, sounding irrationally angry as he admitted the truth at last.
Fraser's hands stopped rubbing and he felt his heart squeezed inside
ribs when he heard Ray say what he most wanted to hear. And the sensation
was wonderful. Ray loves me, his heart sang over and over until all he could
hear in his head was the sweet repetition of those three words.
He was about to express his exultation, he had this powerful and entirely
silly desire to shout to the entire world, 'He loves me! I did it!', when
Ray abruptly pushed him away for the second time to walk over to the window
once more, his back turned away so that Fraser could only glimpse a profile
half-shadowed by darkness and illuminated only by the weak, cold light of
"Ray, what's wrong?" Fraser asked, concerned, dread gathering in his
Maybe Ray was already regretting his outburst. Maybe Ray really didn't love
him but had just been carried away by the moment.
"Ray?" he inquired softly, fear of imminent rejection constricting
throat. "What is it?"
Staring unseeing through the window, Ray didn't reply at first. He
recalling that one single, perfect, utterly horrible moment when he thought
the boy had shot Fraser.
He couldn't remember being so frightened by anything in his life.
Never to see Fraser again. Never to hear Fraser rattled off another
those highly annoying Inuit stories that always made him so irritated for
some inexplicable reason. Never to go rummaging in other people's garbage
with him. Never to see him smile and say 'Good morning, Ray', 'Good night,
Ray', 'I love you, Ray'. Never to...oh, hell, he really *did* love Fraser.
Even if it took a burned out junkie, pumped higher than a kite, to show him
Ray Vecchio loves Benton Fraser. Not exactly a romance written in
but that was what Ray felt. He really did love Fraser.
"Ray?" He heard his friend's voice call him, caught the subtle fear
compressed into the mere mention of his name. He had to tell Fraser the
truth, the truth why he was so afraid of accepting his love. He owed Fraser
that much. He loved Fraser that much to owe him that.
"I do care for you, Benny." Ray said in a low tone at last without
his head from the window. "I love you so much that it's scaring me. I know
it shouldn't but it does. I'm afraid that tomorrow, you'll come to me and
tell me that it's all a big mistake. That you were drunk or suffering from
momentary insanity or something when you said you wanted me. That you want
us to be friends again."
"I'm afraid of loving you more than you love me, do you understand?"
ended, his voice dropping into a whisper and Fraser had to crane his ears to
hear. "I'm afraid that one day you won't love me anymore." Why did his fears
sounded so stupid, so childish when he said it out loud? But childish though
his fears may be, they still had the power to tear him apart, destroying his
peace of mind and his ability to reciprocate Fraser's love. Little fears
that had become so large and terrifying. What if Fraser didn't love him
Ray stood there, feeling so tired and unable to move a single muscle.
felt Fraser coming up behind him noiselessly and one pair of arms slid
across his chest to hold him close, his friend's warmth seeping into his own
body. Fraser's mouth nuzzling his ear gently as he spoke.
"Ray, I can't force you to believe me but I will always love you.
Ray had to smile but there was little amusement in it. "This isn't
Houston song, Benny. There's no such thing as always." He didn't why he was
saying all this but it had to be said. Doubts were clawing at his mind
relentlessly, unwilling to let go.
"No, maybe not but there's now. I love you now. And no matter what
I know I *will* love you forever. If you'll let me." Here, Fraser bent his
head and pressed his lips against the side of Ray's throat. Feeling the
pulse beating erratically beneath the skin. "Will you?" he murmured and
waited for Ray's answer.
Ray squeezed his eyes shut, so tightly that he could see ghostly white
lights flickering behind the lids. After a few minutes, he snapped them open
again and he twisted round within the circle of Fraser's arm so that they
were facing each other.
There was a look of determination on Ray's face and without warning,
looped his arms around Fraser's neck and drew him across for a hard,
bruising kiss. There was nothing romantic or tender about that kiss. Ray
mashed his lips against Fraser's desperately as if proving to himself that
the other man was actually there. Standing there before him, breathing and
What the hell, stranger things have happened.
When they finally condescended to break apart for air, Fraser looking
somewhat dazed, his lips swollen but his face was beaming and he smiled
hopefully, jubilantly at his friend.
And after a few seconds that lasted an eternity, Ray grinned back,
tentatively but no less heartfelt. Perhaps there really wasn't forever but
like Fraser said, they had now.
And maybe, just maybe, it would prove enough.
'We must live in joy
We must live in love
They are moreover one and the same thing'
----Moses of Kobrin
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