Rated PG for some mild cussing, even milder m/m sexual content, and still milder yet h/c. But if it's so mild, why am I putting a rating on it? Mine is not to reason why, I guess ...
That's right, folks. This is it: the m/m piece I've been promising
to write -- or threatening to write, depending on your point of view,
I guess :). I'm dedicating it to Dsrvbf
by Katrina Bowen
Ray took another half-hearted poke at his plate. "Do you have any
idea what this is supposed to be?"
Ben squinted at the chalkboard hanging above the diner's cash register;
unenlightened, he looked back down at the table in front of him. "Ah,
no. But from the color, it would seem to be some kind of -- well, if
I had to narrow it down to just one of the major food groups ... " he
paused, trying to decide. "Would you at least say it's some kind of
mammal?" Ray used his fork to turn over the grayish substance. "Some
dead mammal. It's probably roadkill -- look at this! Is this *fur* on
it?" he demanded in appalled amazement. "Where's Dief when I really need
him?" He gave up and dropped his fork with a clatter. The waitress behind
the counter glared at them balefully and continued filling napkin dispensers.
"Now, Ray, I'm sure you're exaggerating. It can't possibly be that
bad ..." Ben took a bite, and his face fell. "Oh dear." He tried to discretely
push his plate away; the waitress snorted and disappeared back into the
kitchen. "Yep." Ray leaned his head on his hand and reached for his
coffee. He stirred it and took a tentative sip. "Well, at least *this*
isn't completely horrible." He sighed. "I hate going downstate. There's
nothing worth *doing* downstate." Ben tried to cheer him up. "If we're
fortunate, we'll be able to track down the witness you're looking for
without too much trouble. And things could always be worse."
"Yeah, I guess so," Ray said absently. "We could be going back to
Canada." A little stung, Ben asked, "What's wrong with Canada, Ray?"
He looked up, surprised. "Come *on*, Benny. Every time we cross the
border, something terrible happens. Have we ever once managed to go up
there without somebody trying to kill us?" He started waving his cup
around for emphasis, coming dangerously near to sloshing coffee all over
the place. "I mean, you Canadians have this worldwide reputation for
being polite and all, so it's really pretty surprising when you stop
and think about it -- "
Ben reached for his own coffee. "You really shouldn't judge a whole
country by a few unpleasant incidents, Ray. Heaven knows I've learned
not to." More seriously, he added, "Besides, I think you've forgotten
something. The last time we went to Canada, you did save my life. I know
how out of place you were, and how frightened. But you didn't let that
stand in your way. And I don't think I've ever told you how much that
means to me."
The other man set down his cup and looked away, color mounting in
his cheeks. "Ah, geez, Benny ..."
"Not to mention the fact that you ate bugs for me. That's not the
sort of thing I'm likely to forget." Ben hid his smile behind his coffee
cup as Ray stared in disbelief, and finally started to laugh.
Ray pushed his plate away. "Thanks a *lot*, Benny. Just when I thought
I might be able to choke down some of this, you have to go and spoil
my appetite completely. I'll probably never eat again." He stood up.
"Come on ... We're going to end up spending the night anyway, so we might
as well try to get there before dark."
***************************************************************************
Ben sighed and stared up at the ceiling. They'd searched for hours
without finding Ray's witness; finally, he had come to the town's one
hotel and reserved the one available room while Ray went down to the
police station. That had been a little over an hour ago, and he was starting
to worry.
He looked up as the door opened and slammed; raising his head just
enough to see, he said, "Ray?"
Ray stomped into his line of sight and threw his coat on the bed.
"You're not going to believe this, Fraser. You are absolutely not going
to goddamn believe this, because I took the call and I know *I* still
don't believe --" He stopped dead and looked down, his torrent of words
interrupted. Finding his voice again, he said, "Okay. I know this is
definitely going to be one of those questions I always end up regretting
and I'm gonna feel like a fool for asking it in the first place ... Will
you
please tell me *why* you're laying on the floor?"
"My mattress is lumpy. It's very uncomfortable."
"Oh. That makes a lot of sense." Ray nodded, resigned. "... And I
suppose the floor *isn't* uncomfortable?"
"That's not really the point. You see, Ray, every lumpy mattress is
uncomfortable in its own way. But there's a wonderful ... " Ben gestured
vaguely, searching for the right words. " ...sameness to floors." "Yeah.
They're all flat and hard and cold." Ray still sounded grumpy, but some
of the tension left his body. He sighed and slouched against the dresser,
raising both hands to cover his face.
A little concerned, Ben sat up and rested his arms on his raised knees.
"Were they able to help you at the police station? Did they know where
your witness is?"
"Oh, yeah," Ray replied mournfully from behind his hands. "They know
where he is, all right. They know exactly where he is. They have a precise
fix on his location."
That didn't sound promising, Ben thought. "...And?"
Ray lowered his hands. "He's in Chicago right now," he answered expressionlessly.
"Oh, my."
"Exactly." Ray ran a hand over his scalp, looking more weary than
angry by now. "The guy drove up there to visit some cousins, and he didn't
tell anyone. With our luck, we probably passed him on the way here. Anyway,
they finally managed to track him down an hour ago. They got him down
at the precinct already, and Welsh says he's gonna testify. In fact,
he says he's happy to testify. That'll probably give the D.A. enough
to get a solid conviction, and they can finally get that killer put away.
So everyone's happy, right?" Ben said carefully, "Everyone except
you, it would appear."
Ray made a wordless, expansive gesture. "Why shouldn't I be happy
too? I drove all the way across the state when I could have just gone
ten blocks to find this guy. I'm sitting here --"
"Actually, Ray, you're standing."
Ray glared down. "*Thank* you, Benny. I'm *standing* here in a crummy,
lousy hotel room, probably without a decent meal within fifty miles.
It was a stupid, careless idiot's mistake, and I dragged you along with
me. Oh, yeah, I'm so happy I could just die of pure joy right here where
I'm *standing*." Quietly, Ben said, "You know I don't mind, Ray."
Ray shrugged and looked away. "Yeah, well, maybe you should. Be honest
with me. Aren't you even a little bit bothered about this whole mess?"
Ben raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Not at all. But what
*does* bother me is listening to you constantly running yourself down.
It was a good idea, and you had no reason to believe it wouldn't work
out. There's no reason for either one of us to be upset about it."
"Fraser, could you do me a favor? *Be* upset. Just for a little while
and just this once, okay?"
Thinking he must have misunderstood, Ben said, "Excuse me?"
Ray threw his arms in the air. "Knock it off, Benny. Don't just sit
there looking at me being -- unangry and supportive and all that crap."
He suddenly leaned down and rested his hands on Ben's knees, looking
him straight in the face. "As a personal favor to *me*, would you yell
or get mad or something? Do *anything*, all right? It doesn't really
matter what it is."
Ben tilted his head to one side and studied Ray's face solemnly, weighing
his options. "You'd like me to do something," he said after a few moments'
thought. Closing his eyes for a second, Ray opened them again and
nodded patiently. "That's right."
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Anything at all?"
"Benny ..."
Ben took a deep breath and decided. "All right, Ray, if you insist
... But I want you to remember, this *was* your idea." He abruptly lowered
his knees, reaching up and easily catching a startled and off-balance
Ray in his arms before he fell.
Before Ray could react, Ben eased him to the floor and rolled on top
of him; still without a word, he caught Ray's face between his hands
and gently held him still. To forestall any conversation, he lowered
his mouth to Ray's and kissed him deeply.
Ray made a muffled sound and braced one hand stiffly against Ben's
chest. Ben's eyes popped open; other than that slight movement, Ray wasn't
responding at all. In fact, if not for the feeling of Ray's heart pounding
violently against his own, Ben might very well have been kissing a statue.
Ben started to lift his body off of Ray's, torn between concern, embarrassment
and bitter disappointment. Ray's green eyes were staring at him blankly.
Ben stammered, "I'm so sorry -- I mean, I thought -- I didn't think --"
He pulled away.
Coming back to life, Ray gasped, "No!" He clutched at Ben's shirt
to prevent his leaving. This time, Ben was the one caught off-balance.
And this time, it was Ben who fell.
"Ow!"
"Oh dear. Ray, I'm so sorry --"
"Geez, Benny."
"Here, sit up. I have a handkerchief -- no, lean your head forward.
Yes, like that. The bleeding will stop faster that way."
Ray tilted his head awkwardly so he could look Ben in the face. "Stop
fussing, Benny, willya? It's not that bad -- even in my case, a nosebleed
isn't usually fatal."
"Ray, I'm so sorry," Ben said helplessly. At a loss for anything more
useful to do, he went into the hotel room's small bathroom and came back
with a wet washcloth. He came back to where Ray was still sitting on
the floor with his back against the bed.
Crouching beside him, Ben took Ray's wrist and carefully pulled his
hand down. "Well, at least the bleeding has already stopped." He began
cleaning the blood from Ray's face.
"Geez, Benny," Ray grumbled. "Next time you kiss me, give me some
warning, okay? You just about scared me to death. We could have both
cracked our skulls open."
"Of course, Ray ..." Ben's voice died away and his hand stilled in
its gentle motions. He shifted position a little, sitting forward to
look directly at Ray. "Could you please repeat that?"
"Sure. We could have cracked our skulls open." He raised a hand tentatively
to his face. "I don't know about you, but *I've* talked to cleaning people.
You have any idea how hard brains are to get out of carpeting? I heard
about this one time in Cicero --"
"No, no," Ben interrupted. "What you said before that ... about the
next time I kiss you." When no answer came, he plunged ahead. "Do you
*want* there to be a next time, Ray?" he asked softly.
"Uhm." Ray froze, staring straight ahead, then forced himself to meet
Ben's eyes. "I guess there's no point in trying to talk my way out of
this one, huh." Ben shook his head, a slow, brilliant smile blossoming
on his face. "Believe me, I have no intention of letting you do that.
So you weren't rejecting me?" "Oh God, Benny, no. Never that," Ray
said vehemently. "I might have thought I was gonna have a heart attack
or a stroke or something ... but I couldn't --" he broke off and looked
at Ben. In a simple, heartfelt voice, he said, "I love you, Benny. I
don't know when I started, but I do. I'll love you until I die ... and
God willing, after."
Leaning one arm on the bed behind them, Ben delicately began tracing
Ray's features. Searching Ray's eyes intently, he murmured, "You love
me." "Yeah. I do." Ray reached up to cover Ben's hand with his own,
but there was something indefinable behind his eyes -- a slight remaining
uncertainty. Instinctively, Ben knew what Ray needed to be told. He
moved his hand slightly so their fingers could entwine. "I'm certainly
glad to hear that ... because I was afraid I was the only one in love."
He shook his head in wonder. "But why didn't you ever say or do anything?"
"Well, why didn't *you*?" Ray said a little testily.
"Actually, Ray, *I* just did."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess you did at that." Ray reached up again to feel
gingerly at his nose. Seeing Ben trying to choke down laughter, he lowered
his hand with a smile of his own. "I don't think it ever occurred to
me *not* to love you, Benny. I just wasn't sure if you felt the same."
Ben looked at him, not understanding at all. "Ray, what are you talking
about?"
"Well --" Ray finally broke eye contact, but he kept hold of Ben's
hand. "I mean, I can think of lots of reasons to love you. It's hard
to put into words, but I know what all of them are. You're -- I don't
know, it's just who you are."
In spite of himself, the corners of his mouth started twitching. "If
you want something more specific, though, you're a good dancer --" Ben
started smiling too -- "And I gotta say, you know some great Chinese
restaurants. That really comes in handy sometimes. It's a little confusing,
though --"
"In what way?"
"Come on, Benny. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you.
So just what does that make us?"
"If I'm extraordinarily lucky, it'll make us lovers. As for the rest
of it, I believe the language authorities are at odds as to a single
appropriate word for our relationship. But as far as I'm concerned, you're
the person I want by my side, in all respects, for the rest of our lives,"
Ben told him
matter-of-factly.
Ray's smile faded, and he pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, Benny.
I really don't want to spoil this, but I just can't think of many reasons
why you'd love me," he blurted out.
Ben's smile left his mouth, but not his eyes. Ray looked down and
muttered, "Trust me to break the mood, huh?"
Ben shook his head and lifted his hand to Ray's face. Gently, he put
his fingers under Ray's chin and urged his head up. "If you must know,
I first fell in love with your eyes."
"You what?"
Ben thought for a few seconds, choosing his words with care. "You
may not realize this -- in fact, you probably don't -- but your eyes
are the exact color of a pond deep in the middle of a forest -- shadowed
and surrounded by trees, and safe from any danger or disturbance." He
slowly trailed a finger across Ray's cheekbone. "Whenever I feel lost
or homesick or afraid, I just look in your eyes. And I know I'll always
have a home there." He cupped the palm of his hand against Ray's cheek
and started smiling again. "And I love you because you always manage
to surprise me. I didn't think you even knew *how* to blush, and here
you've done it twice in one day." "Oh, and who are *you* to talk about
surprises --" Ray would have gone on, but he found his lips otherwise
engaged. This time he responded with a will. But when Ben pulled back,
he said, "Are you *really* sure about this, Benny?" Ben sighed and
buried his face in Ray's shoulder. He muttered, "You know, Ray, I'm starting
to run out of ways to convince you."
"Well, there is one way ..."
"Oh? And what might that be?"
"...You could always try kissing me again. That would probably work."
He felt Ben's lips curve into a smile against his neck, and Ray added,
"But this time I really do want you to do me a favor."
"Anything in the world."
"Lumps or no lumps, we're trying out the beds, okay?"
"Understood."
---------------
Lay your sleeping head, my love, "Lullaby," W.H. Auden
LULLABY
Human on my faithless arm;
Time
and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children,
and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break
of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The
entirely beautiful.
...from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought
Not
a kiss nor look be lost.