Rating/Warning: PG for slash and very light m/m interaction.
Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine. If they were, they would have had a hell of a lot more fun!
Spoilers: a few.
Summary: The sequel to "Untouchable". Benny makes a move...
Notes: unbeta'd as per usual. Plea: anyone who LIKES my writing and is willing to beta for me, please speak up! I've got lots of stuff in the works, that will probably require a few extra pairs of eyes to look them over eventually.
Yes - I wrote "Untouchable" but I think I forgot to put my name on it and it was posted as "anonymous." I'm a little dumb sometimes ;)
Feedback - love it. Want me to write me? Tell me *G*
UNBREAKABLE - June, 2000
He's driving me mad. Slowly, but surely, Ray is driving me mad and I wonder sometimes if he does it on purpose. Then I think to myself, Ray would *never* do that to me.
I have loved him since the instant I laid eyes on him. I always told myself that love at first sight is just an absurd concept, but then I saw Ray Vecchio and that was it. I have always been in love with him.
But I can't tell him. I haven't been able to for all this time, and I'm not entirely sure I could do it now. I'll admit it: I'm terrified. I have never been more afraid of anything in my entire life. How *can* I tell him that I love him?
I'd sooner attempt to catch a bullet with my teeth than tell him how I feel.
Ray does so much for me. He's done too much for me and sometimes I think I forget to let him know how much I appreciate everything he has done for me... and everything he *will* do for me. There is nothing in the world I want more than to be able to show him how much I appreciate him and what he has done for me, but I'm not sure *how.* I've never been good at that sort of thing.
I must admit, I know what kind of things I would like to do... but I'm afraid that he would run screaming from my apartment and never want to see me again. I would rather live with this longing than lose Ray completely. There would be nothing left for me in this city if I didn't have Ray. I can't bear the thought of him not being a part of my life. I think it just might kill me.
When I lie alone in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling, all I do is think of him. I just want nothing more than to be held in his arms... to feel his lean body against mine and to know, to know for certain, that he really does love me in return. I have no idea the number of times I have closed my eyes and allowed myself to indulge in such sweet fantasies...
I imagine his hands... Ray has incredible hands. I can almost feel them on my body. And his eyes... those eyes look at me and I swear I'm lost. Positively lost. I can't believe how beautiful his eyes are.
I wish we had managed to make it up to my father's cabin. It would have been so good for us. I can't help but think that I may have been able to gather up the nerve to tell him. That perhaps the close quarters...
He watches me sometimes, when he thinks I'm not aware--which, I might add, I do believe he thinks is quite frequently. And the look in his eyes... I don't have the words to describe it. It makes my knees weak.
I think perhaps I love him too much.
Something that you already have in this way cannot be broken so easiliy... if he already knew, he would already be with me or he would have been long gone. He *doesn't* know... and his unawareness of my feelings keeps him far from me, out of reach, out of bounds, and the friendship we have could so easily be broken if he knew.
Nothing feels quite like this unrequited love. It *hurts* when I see him sometimes. It can be the way he walks, the way he smiles at me, the way his eyes twinkle when I *know* he's teasing me. God above, he's beautiful. Simply beautiful.
But there is something to be said about unrequited love. It never has to change, never has to go away. It can remain as a constant companion. Although, sometimes I must wonder if I am doing this to myself on purpose. I have gotten so used to the longing that I don't *want* it to become anything else.
Then I catch him watching me again, and I know I *must* have more than what I already have. I don't know how long I can continue going on without knowing Ray's *touch.* The way he tastes against my lips, the way he looks in the heat of passion.
These thoughts constantly invade my mind, and I am becoming more and more unable to control them. I fear that one day they will simply be my undoing.
How can he not see it? How can he not see it in my eyes, the way I feel for him? I easily put my life in his hands; he is the only person I trust enough. He is the only person I trust to carry me through miles of wilderness... he is the only person who would do it to begin with.
It has been weeks since we have returned from that rather disastrous vacation. Weeks since I lost my chance to tell him how I feel. I keep *trying* to tell him, but I lose my nerve each time. I am so afraid to do this, but he has to know. I can't keep going on like this. It is unfair to both of us.
He is sitting across from me right now, in my apartment, eating pizza with me. Conversation as always is about the latest case we have solved, but I feel like we are both only half-interested in the conversation... if that. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding...
And the way he watches me while he's eating. I am *this close* to tossing the pizza to Diefenbaker, throwing Ray on the table and simply ravaging him. Maybe he would even thank me for it later.
I think I would like to simply seduce him. Of course, I've never seduced anyone before. The idea of a well-planned Seduction of Ray Vecchio is certainly extraordinarily appealing. The idea of it backfiring and him hitting me and running screaming from my apartment is *not* and I am so afraid that is what he will choose to do, rather than appreciate my attentions.
Oh, God, does Ray have any idea how close he is to driving me mad? And--how close he is to being thrown on my table, or my bed, or the floor, or *any* nearby available surface. Two can play at that game, I think. My next thought is, of course, *how?*
I lean my elbow on the table, holding my chin on my palm, and I idly pick a piece of pepperoni off my pizza as he speaks. Holding his eyes, I slowly bring the pepperoni to my mouth, and lick pizza sauce from my fingers. Ray's eyes widen and I give him a little grin. So *there.*
In the next possible instant, Ray is suddenly *choking* on his pizza crust, and I am up from the table. He waves his hand, tells me he's all right, and I sit back down. Well, that was absolutely *brilliant.*
I'm unhinged. But I'm beginning to think that if I cannot have Ray, I'll simply keel over dead. Death by longing. Perfect.
I've lost my nerve. Our evening is suddenly plunged into uncomfortable silence, due to my own abject stupidity. Our silences are never uncomfortable. *Never.* And now... Could that one innocent gesture have broken everything I hold dear?
Ray gets up from the table and puts his plate in the sink. He grabs his jacket off the back of his chair, puts it on and tells me he has to leave.
*No!* I want to plead with him. *Don't leave me, stay, please, Ray, I'll do anything--*
I follow him to the door as he opens it and looks out into the hallway for a moment. Then he turns and our eyes lock, and I drown in the green-ness of his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak, closes it, and I can see him swallow.
*Now or never,* I think, and reach up to brush the back of my fingers against his cheek.
"What are ya doing, Benny?" he asks softly.
"Just this," I reply, and lean in to kiss him. It's beautiful, and wonderful, as I always knew it would be. I very nearly lose my balance entirely as my knees go weak, and my hands grasp his arms. As I continue to kiss him, it entirely passes my attention that his hands are still at his sides. I never want this to end...
His hands finally do come up, and he pushes me away. I blink, and look into his eyes again, and they are wide and frightened.
What have I *done?*
We speak at the same time, then he quickly shakes his head. "No, Benny," he says, and is out of reach, walking down the hall and I am sure, out of my life.
I want to call after him, but my voice is gone. I want to run after him, but I cannot move. Finally I break myself from my state of shock, close the door and go over to my bed. I fall down onto it, staring up at the ceiling, not seeing it, not seeing anything but that look in Ray's eyes.
He'll never forgive me. I crossed the line, tried to make him something he is not.
I close my eyes tightly, trying to drive away the image of his face, and I hear the door open. I sit up, and there he is.
Leaning against the doorframe, one hand supporting his head, the other holding his jacket slung over his shoulder. "Benny," he says.
He smiles. He stands up straight and beckons to me, and I cautiously stand, walk over to him, not sure whether or not to believe this is real.
And *oh my GOD* it is real, and he's kissing me for all he's worth, kicking the door shut with his foot and leading me over to my bed. We fall down upon it, and he leans up on his elbows to look down at me.
"How *you* doin?" he asks with a wicked grin.
"Quite well," I reply.
"Me too, Benny." As his lips descend once more to mine, he whispers, "Too long, Benny. Way too long."