This could be subtitled 'In which I bring Fraser back into character--somewhat'. Once again, a violence (mild this time) warning.
A bad day is no excuse.
As I lay on top of a man, crushing him as I beat him to death, the fog finally parted.
I could see myself.
This vision made me stop mid swing. I looked down at the broken man beneath me.
My god. I had become a monster. I had used and betrayed a man who had never wanted more than to be loved.
Now, I was going to kill him. And why? Because he would let me. Because I took all that was good inside him and twisted it, turning it black and vile. I fed him lies so he would feed the beast within me.
Only one person could end this before it was too late. Me. Me who had started it all. Me who was unworthy of being called human.
I called his name softly and he stirred, his breathing dry and raspy. I gathered the last remaining shreds of decency in me and wrapped him up in a blanket. There was no hesitation in my steps as I drove him to the emergency room. No hesitation, even, when I told him he should press charges.
He looked at me with eyes I had dulled and shook his head.
He thought it was his fault. I knew there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise. Only stop.
There will be no redemption for my sins. Our days go on as they always have, the laughter and camaraderie still forced, but no longer a veneer for dark, torturous nights to come.
One night, I'll slip into his bed again, but this time, I'll give him what he needs. I will come as close to making love to him as I can. I will betray Ray, and in doing so, I hope I will find myself. Because if I don't, there will be nothing of me for Ray to come back to and I may as well be dead.