What Difference Does It Make?    What Difference Does It Make? by
Innusiq

 Author's disclaimer: I don't own the guys, just love them.

 Author's notes: I recently read the script to Letting Go and the scene
descriptives from the hospital corridor scene in the beginning sparked
this little piece. I hope you enjoy. Any and all comments are welcomed.

  

 Rating: G
 Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
 Archive: yes, please
 This will be uploaded to the Hexwood Archive 

 What Difference Does It Make?
 by: Jenny Hill 

 The Italian detective hesitantly entered the hospital room of his best
friend. He was the first and only visitor allowed since he was listed as
next of kin and Ray preferred it that way. He also knew the Mountie would
want it that way as well, the less people fretting about him the better. 

 Ray approached the bed, taking in the sight of the pale body. He looked
so vulnerable lying there it shook Ray to the very core of his being.
Never had he seen his best friend in such a state. The last time he had
seen Fraser in the hospital was when a Mountie hunter named Gieger stabbed
him in the leg in an effort to escape being captured. It was also the
first time the Mountie had ever been seriously hurt which altered the way
Ray viewed his friend as being indestructible. These two incidences didn't
compare though. This time it was Ray's fault he was lying in the hospital.
It was Ray's fault that he had to fight for his life. It was Ray's quick
decision that could destroy the best friendship he ever had. 

 Ray moved around the bed to sit in the chair provided, took hold of his
friend's hand and began talking. "I saw the look in your eyes and the
question you were asking was 'Why?' All I could do was stand there and
watch as they wheeled you away. The question was left echoing in my head,
searching for an answer. At first I was stunned by the question. I
couldn't believe how one word could stir so many emotions within me but it
did. 

 "At first I thought it was asked as 'Why did you do it?' To that
question, I didn't have an answer. Logically, it should have been cut and
dry. She had a gun and that gun was aimed at an unarmed man. I was doing
my duty, protecting the innocent. You were so innocent before she hit town
or at least I thought you were. She was pure evil, I could see that at
first glance but you couldn't. You were blinded by the illusion of what
could never be. You tried so hard to make her into something she wasn't
that you didn't even see she was doing the exact same thing to you. 

 "I'm quite certain, had it been another time and another place you
could've had your fairy tale ending. She could've been the perfect
Mountie's wife and you the noble husband. You two would've lived in your
dad's rebuilt cabin (a little bigger than its original construction) with
your children and your wolf. Wouldn't that have made a pretty picture?
Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, husband, father and
happy for a change. 

 "I could probably count on my one hand the number of times I've actually
seen you smile with pure joy and yet I can't think of even one of those
moments now. My thoughts are clouded by the memory of that bullet, flying
through the air towards my best friend. The only other thought floating in
my head is your one word question of 'Why?' 

 "Maybe the question wasn't asked so much as 'Why did you do it?' but more
'Why did she do it?' That question opens up a whole can of worms I don't
even know if I want to deal with. What ever the explanation is will hurt
you Benny. No matter how hard I try to sugar coat it, it's gonna hurt, not
just you but me as well. 

 "As I said before, she was evil. I'm pretty sure she wasn't born that
way. No one is born evil but she fell into the wrong crowd. She fell in
love with the wrong guy who led her down the criminal path. She couldn't
wait for her Knight in Shining Armor. Once you learn a way of living, it's
kinda hard to change unless you really want to charge, I should know. I
have changed since meeting you, for the better in my opinion. I'm a better
cop, a better son, a better brother and a better friend. I wanted to
change for you Benny. She didn't want to change for you but she did want
you to change for her and the sad thing is you almost did. 

 "She was tempted by greed Benny. Love alone could not have made a person
do all that she did. She wanted the money and power and when she had
nearly lost everything that fateful night up on Fortitude Pass, she clung
to you. She used you Benny, to survive. She used you for her own survival
but in the end, you turned her in and that was a factor she had not
counted on in her plans. She didn't expect any man to hold duty over love
but then again you are a rare specimen of a man indeed. 

 "She was then tempted by revenge. Ten years in prison is a long time and
it can change a person before they even know it. When she got out, it was
only natural for her to come looking for you, the man responsible for her
incarceration. Did you really think it was only a coincidence, her
arriving in the city where you were posted? Of course you did. Naive
Benny, you trust too many people with your life. When she came to Chicago,
she knew what she was doing all along, from the moment she chose to assume
her own sister's identity to her flight at the train station. She was
trying to break you Benny and you were so riddled with guilt that you let
her do it too. 

 "Guilt can do strange things to a person's own thoughts. It can make a
person do things they otherwise normally wouldn't do. You were willing to
break the law due to your guilt, I could see that but guilt can also
affect people in good ways. I have felt guilt being with you. The guilt
I'm talking about has nothing to do with Victoria's kind of guilt. The
guilt I'm talking about is everyday guilt that caused me to do all that I
have done for you. It's your do-gooding guilt that makes me the better man
that I am. It makes me more like you, day by day. I'd like to believe I
would have chosen the same path you selected in this disaster you courted
but I can't say I would have. It's not that I'm any better than you are
because I'm far from perfect, much farther than you. I can't say what I
would've done either in this given situation for I believe you have to
actually be in the situation to know what you would do. All I can do is
assume. I do know you did the best you could and I could see you truly
believed you loved Victoria and that she loved you. 

 "And so I'm brought to the final meaning of your question of 'Why?' This
is the true meaning behind the word and the hardest for me to explain.
'Why are you still here?' Normal people would be asking themselves that
question over and over but not me. Even Huey and Gardino don't understand.
They think this is a guilt thing over shooting you in the back and maybe
it is a little but the true reason I am still here, standing by your side
as I always have is because you are my best friend and oddly enough, you
have become my life. I don't think I would know what to do if you didn't
make it. I know what you'd say right now too, 'Surely Ray, you would go on
just as I did after my father's death,' but Benny, I'm not like you. A
Super Mountie I am not. I'm just a simple Chicago Detective and besides,
you had me to help you through that time, me and my overly boisterous
family. 

 "There is more to why I'm still here. I don't know if I could even tell
you this on a normal day. I've been putting it off for weeks now but since
you are in a drug induced sleep and most likely you won't remember this
conversation anyway, I will tell you things today that are probably best
kept in the dark recesses of my soul. 

 "I love you Benny. I believe I've loved you from the first moment we met.
I knew something was there, between us but at that moment I couldn't put a
name on that something. It wasn't until that day with Zuko, when he had
his men beat you within an inch of your life over the Mr. Paducci thing,
that I realized my feelings for you. Wow, was that a revelation, saying I
was blown away is an understatement. I tried to suppress and ignore my
true feelings the best I could but it was useless, especially after the
berating I received from Frannie when she refused to tell me if you two .
. . well . . . you know what I'm referring to so I'm not gonna mention it,
I can't. Her words hurt me more than I thought possible and I can still
here them in my head every now and again. 'Your problem is that you are so
afraid to dream. You are so afraid to reach out for something that you
really want. You know what happens to people like you? They get old, they
get alone and they die and they never know.' I don't want to be alone
Benny. I don't want to die alone. 

 "What difference does it make? I have no hope for you and me, not that I
wouldn't want you, you should know that isn't true. I would do anything in
my power to have you as a lover. No, more than just a lover, to have you
has a life long partner but who am I kidding? I don't know if you've
actually looked at me in the last 14 months of our friendship but I'm no
Prince Charming. My hair or what's left of it that is, is lacking that,
what did we decided it was, Je ne sais quoi? Ah, I try not to think about
it but I'm balding Benny. I am contemplating on getting it cut shorter but
I really haven't decided yet. I have a nose the size of Nebraska. It's a
nose only a mother could love. I'm a bit on the scrawny side too. You
would think by the way Ma feeds me I'd weight at least 250 pounds but I
barely reach 160. I'm not even your average Mr. America. 

 "I do not compare to someone like Victoria, I'm not even close. She is
beautiful. I can admit that because it's the truth. She's just the right
height, just the right weight and her hair . . . well her hair speaks for
itself. A person could get lost in those curls as I imagine you so often
did in your short lived reunion with her. Is that what happened Benny?
Were you so mesmerized by her looks that you couldn't see the forest
through the trees or the thief in the thickets? Surely you need more than
just looks from the person you love. Surely you are not as shallow as the
rest of the people in this world but then again you are human just like
the rest of us and you can be shallow like that if you want. I hope you
don't want to be that shallow Benny because a shallow man is not the man I
love. 

 "I know better than that though. I am just talking my thoughts out here.
That is all I can do right now while I am waiting for you to wake up. It's
been more than 24 hours and not even an eyelid has fluttered. You are deep
under and I hope there is no pain where you are, physical or emotional. I
wonder if you can hear me too! In a way I'd like to think you could so you
will know what I am going through and what I'm thinking. I want you to
know so we don't have to discuss it when you do wake up. I just want to
forget about it, about her, about everything. I want us to start at square
one again, or two, back to where we were before she entered your life for
the second and hopefully last time. I fear this won't be the last time you
will see her in your life though. I fear that I won't be there for you
when she tries to wreak havoc with your soul again. I want to protect you
Benny but I can't promise you that. I can't promise you anything. All I
can do is try to do my best to make sure that you are safe and pray that I
can keep her from you. 

 "I have a question for you Benny. Would you want me to keep her from you
if she returned? I would hope after everything she has put us through you
would say 'Yes Ray, I would want you to keep her from me. I want you to
protect me from her evil ways. I would want you to save me if need be.'
Would you want that Benny? I think, if by chance she did show up in your
life again, you would be just as confused as you were this time around and
in the end, I would be saving you from her but as it was this time, I
would be saving an unwilling party. Yes Benny, you wouldn't want to be
saved just as you didn't want to be saved this time, that is just who you
are. You still believe you owe her even though I think you've paid your
dues. You won't be satisfied until you give your own life up. Funny thing
is, that aspect annoys the crap out of me and yet it makes me love you
even more. 

 "I wish you'd wake up already. The longer you're under the worse things
can be for you, at least that's what the doctor's keep saying. I know
you're gonna be all right. You have to be all right. You just need time to
heal, physically and mentally. No matter how long that takes, I will be
here for you Benny. You are my best friend. I love you unconditionally and
always will. You are my soul mate, in my heart I know that. Even if you
don't return these feelings I have for you, there is no one who can or
will ever take your place." 

 The exhausted Italian relaxed in the chair next to the hospital bed,
never releasing the hold he had of his friend's hand. Ray closed his eyes
for the first time since firing the shot that nearly took the life of his
best friend. Ray had to get a little sleep before the next day because he
had a meeting in the morning with a psychiatrist that the police
department was demanding he see. Sleep came quickly for him, even though
he was sitting in the most uncomfortable chair but it wasn't a peaceful
sleep. That kind of sleep wouldn't come for a while. His dreams were
filled with the repeated visions of his friend's body falling to the train
platform with his blood pooling around him. It was a sight Ray would never
forget. 

 In his sleep, Ray couldn't consciously register the tightening grip of
the man whose hand he held. It wasn't a knuckle-breaking grip, just a
gentle pressure of reassurance. It was the only gesture Fraser could
manage at this stage of his recovery and he could only hope it was enough.
Unconsciously, Ray squeezed his hand back in response. 

 The End 

 Comments are always welcomed.