Disclaimer: This story is written for the private	 

Reminder, I am now writing under my penname of Cassandra Hope. 

  

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the
creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the
McKenzies and friends belong to me. Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendal
and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by
CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is
intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not
give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. 

Touchstones of Character 

by Cassandra Hope 

(Copyright August 1998) 

	Dreams are the touchstones of our character. 

				Henry David Thoreau 

  

  

Benton Fraser's dreams slowly crystallized into a feeling of contentment.
He sighed. It had been years since he had felt this peaceful. The
dreamscape settled into a mountain valley that boasted a single cabin and
was intimately known by him. 

"Benny! Wait up! Don't you go so fast!"  

Ben turned to watch the small child struggle to reach him. The girl
couldn't have been more than eight or nine. Ben smiled as she approached
him.  

"Benny! Why'd you run away from me?" 

He knelt in the snow in front of the girl and wiped the tears from her
eyes. "I'm sorry, Becka. I won't do it again." 

"Promise?" 

"I promise. I won't let anything happen to you." 

"Not ever?" 

"Not ever," the young Ben Fraser vowed crossing his heart. 

Becka sniffed then her tiny mouth quirked upward into a smile. "You're the
best big brother I could ever have." 

"I'm the only big brother you'll ever have, Becka." 

The girl giggled, "That's okay, Benny. I love you anyway." 

Without hesitation, Ben swept his little sister into his arms and hugged
her until she squealed. "I love you, too, Becka." 

The winter landscape was replaced by that of a schoolyard in late spring.
He stood facing the school bully. Words sprang to his lips as he caught
sight of Becka's frightened face. 

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Why don't you pick on a boy
instead of a little girl? You're a just cowardly chicken that's why.
Bwack, bwack, bwack." Ben stuffed his hands in his armpits and flapped his
arms in imitation of said bird. 

Nathan Umlulik glared at the scrawny kid making fun of him. Hands clenched
in fists, he turned and stomped away. The other children laughed and began
making chicken sounds as well. 

Ben lowered his arms surprised that Nathan had not started another fight.
Brushing his little sister off, he walked with her to the schoolhouse, the
other children following behind. Once inside the building, Ben helped
Becka remove her coat then took a clean cloth and wiped the tears from her
face. "He won't bother you anymore, Becka. I promised you I wouldn't let
anything happen to you." He was rewarded with one of Becka's tremulous
smiles. 

"Ben, watch out," Ben's friend, Innussiq, yelled. 

Ben glanced over his shoulder to see Nathan running at him swinging what
appeared to be an otter. Without thinking Ben threw himself in front of
Becka, shielding her from Nathan's rage. Throwing an arm up, he deflected
one swing of the otter but was struck across the chest with the second
swing. Reeling from the blow, Ben slid to the floor and lay gasping for
breath. He didn't see Becka fling herself at Nathan nor the other
children, finally, drum up enough courage to stop the bully. All he saw
was a stampede of feet before he blacked out.  

The images shifted and refocused on a sight that brought a surge of pride
to Ben's heart--Graduation Day. He watched the group of cadets, searching
for one particular face.  

"There she is, Son." Bob Fraser pointed to a cadet vigorously waving her
hand. He waved back and Ben followed suit. 

"Dad, Benny! I made it, I finally made it!" The madly waving newly
graduated Constable Rebecca Fraser, RCMP, bounced over to her family. 

"Yes you did, Poppet. You finally made it." Bob hugged the red clad form
of his only daughter. 

"Here, Cathy. Take a picture of us. This may be the only chance we'll ever
have to get all of us together." Bob handed a small camera to Constable
Cathy Madden. 

Cat obediently snapped a few shots of Bob Fraser and his two children,
Benton and Becka. The three of them made a distinguished looking trio. 

Ben grinned down at his sister then gave her a hug. "I'm proud of you,
Becka." Top of her class, she had even surpassed him in marksmanship
ratings. "Red suits you." 

"Thank you kindly, Benny. I couldn't have done it without you and Dad."
She planted a kiss on his cheek before turning to do the same to Bob. 

Images again shifted then clarified. Ben shifted restlessly in his sleep.
He didn't want to be here. He saw the raw agony on his father's face and
knew it was reflected on his own. 

"She's gone, Benton." 

"No, Dad. She can't be gone. I won't believe it. She can't be gone. They
never found her body. Becka can't be dead." 

"We have to accept the facts, Benton. Becka is dead." Bob's voice broke
and Ben caught a glimmer of the pain his father felt. 

Ben laid a comforting hand on his father's shoulder. The stark realization
squeezed his heart with such pain that he felt bowed over by it. Becka was
dead. His little sister was gone. Tears streaming down his face, he fought
for each breath of air. "We'll get the ones responsible for her death,
Dad. I promised Becka I would never let anything happen to her. I failed
to keep that promise..." Ben struggled to speak around the lump in his
throat, "...I let her down." He bowed his head and fought the tears that
continued to flow unchecked. 

"Becka..." Ben mumbled in his sleep. 

Becka roused when she heard her name called. Rolling over, she stared down
at the pale form of her brother. When he moaned and called her name again,
she slid off the bed and enfolded him in her arms. "Benny," she gently
called him. 

"Becka," Ben called once more and slipped his arms around the slight form
beside him. 

"Wake up, Benny. You're having a nightmare." 

Ben groggily shook the remnants of the dream from his mind. "Becka?" 

"I'm right here, Benny." 

"I had this dream." 

"I could tell." She loosened her grasp on him and rose to sit on the side
of the bed. "You called for me." 

"I...I...dreamed about when...when we thought you were dead." 

Slipping off the bed, she hugged Ben once more. "I'm not dead, Benny. You
saved me." 

"I know, Becka, but the dream was so real...just like the dreams I've had
of Phil. They're so real. I wish I could get her out of my mind." 

"Ssshh. I'm here for you, Benny. Go back to sleep." She gently rocked him
until she felt his breathing deepen and knew he was once more asleep. Only
then did she leave him and climb back into her bed. 

Becka lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Ben probably didn't even
realize that he'd mentioned Phil McKenzie to her. Maybe what Cat had said
was right. Maybe Ben needed Phil. With the sense of conviction that was
part of her character, she began to formulate a plan. She would visit with
Phil and see for herself this woman that her brother still loved. Only
then would she decide if this woman was worthy of his love. Maybe then she
would see what she could do about getting Phil and Benny together.
Confident that she'd made the right decision, she fell asleep soon
afterwards.  

Dief stirred as both his packmate and his sister finally slept. Briefly he
thought about joining the sister on his bed but thought better of it as a
waft of cool air hit him. Laying his head back down on the floor, he
snickered slightly. The sister was right, the air-conditioner was a good
idea. * * * 

Becka stood on the porch of her father's cabin and stared at the mountains
in the distance. The barking of the dogs drew her attention and she waved
as Ben flew past on his dogsled. He had talked about entering the Iditarod
for several years and he swore this would be the year. Shading her eyes,
she watched the tiny sled with its dogs and human disappear over a rise in
the land. 

"Do you think he'll make it this year?" Bob Fraser queried as he came up
behind Becka. 

Becka glanced over her shoulder at her father. "No, he'll be called away
to track down someone or to handle something with one of the bands or
something equally important. I think he knows that but still he works with
his team. I think he does it because he loves it so much." 

"I think you're right, Poppet." 

Becka smiled at Bob's endearment. "I think he wants to see how Diefenbaker
will function with the rest of the team." Shaking her head, she confided
in her father, "I don't know, Dad, a wolf? What could Benny possibly be
thinking about?"  

Bob shook his head as well. "I don't know...but the animal does seem
devoted to him."  

"Cat said that there was little likelihood that he'd regain his hearing. I
think that's why Benny adopted him. A deaf wolf couldn't possibly survive
in the wild." 

"Probably. What I can't understand, though, is why name a beautiful animal
like that after John Diefenbaker? It's bound to give that wolf an
inferiority complex." 

Becka laughed. "Probably. He's certainly adapted to life with Benny. I
caught him stealing a waffle yesterday morning." Becka turned to face her
father but he was no longer there. "Dad? Where did you go?" 

The baying of a wolf drew her attention and she turned to locate the
animal. The mountain scene she had grown up with was gone. She stood in
the narrow confines of a gorge. In the distance she could see a man
trudging through the snow, a large dog bounding beside him. She hurried to
catch up with him surprised that the snow did not impede her progress.
Drawing closer she recognized her brother. "Benny?" she called but there
was no slowing of his steps. It was as if he hadn't heard her. She raced
across the snow and grabbed his arm. Her hand passed through his body
leaving her grasping empty air. 

"Benny?" she called again. There was still no response. Confused and a
little frightened, Becka followed Ben's steps toward an area cordoned off
with the yellow tape of a police line. A crime had been committed here.
When Ben dropped to his knees beside a large red-stained patch of snow,
Becka dropped with him. She caught the look in his eyes. Staring back at
the blood-spattered snow, she knew. This was where their father had died.
This was his blood. 

The pain and anguish of losing him flooded over her and she struggled with
the sobs that threatened to choke her. When Ben rose and trudged away from
the spot, Becka remained where she was. She couldn't leave just yet. This
is where an assassin hired by Gerard had gunned down her father. Memories
of the time she'd spent as an assassin swept across her thoughts and, in
that moment, she wished she'd died herself. How could she pretend that her
past didn't matter? How many children had she left fatherless? No wonder
no one trusted her, how could they? 

"Oh, Dad, what am I going to do? Why aren't you here to help me? I miss
you, Dad." Becka tried to swallow the lump in her throat but found that it
wouldn't move. She buried her face in her hands and let the tears flow,
her shoulders shaking as the sobs shook her body. 

"Now, now, Poppet. Let's not have any more tears. You're a Fraser. You're
made of sterner stuff." Bob Fraser settled into the snow beside his
daughter. 

Becka sniffed then stared up into the face so close to hers. "Dad? Is that
really you?" 

Bob smiled. "It's me, Poppet." 

"But...but...I mean...how's this possible?" 

"I've learned never to question the afterlife, Becka. Sometimes we just
have to accept things on faith." 

"But..." 

"But nothing. I'm here and that's all that matters." 

"But why now? Why haven't you come to me before?" 

"You didn't need me before, Poppet. All through this Soldier business,
I've been there with you but you didn't need me then. You've always been
the strong one." 

"But now?" 

"Now, my precious daughter, now you need me. Almost as much as Benton
does." 

"Benny?" 

"I'm here to help you help him." 

"I thought you were here to help me?" 

"I am, Poppet. By helping your brother you will be helping yourself." 

"How?" 

"By helping him you will find the answers to all your questions.
Everything you've been searching for will be there for you and, Poppet, if
you open your heart, you'll find love." 

"Love?" Becka's laugh was tinged with hysteria. "How can you talk about
love? Look what it's done to Benny. I can't...I won't let that happen to
me." 

"Rebecca." 

"I'm sorry, Dad. It's just that I...I can't be bothered with love. I don't
trust men anymore." 

"You trust your brother and what about his friend, Ray?" 

Becka slowly nodded her head. "I guess I trust them." Bob quirked an
eyebrow. "I mean I trust Benny, of course, and I guess I trust Ray, but I
can't trust any other man. And I can't trust myself." 

"Rebecca, don't cheat yourself of one of life's most profound experiences.
Give love a chance." 

"But, Dad..." Bob raised a finger, silencing Becka. 

"When the right man comes along you'll know him. Don't be afraid to love
him. Love heals a lot of pain." 

"How can you say that? Just look at Benny--look at what love has done to
him." 

"Love has nothing to do with the state your brother is in. He's turned his
back on love and now he lives with his guilt and regret. Don't mistake
what he's going through for love." 

Becka stared at the image of her father. Moments passed before she looked
away. Guilt? Regret? Could it be as simple as that? 

"Think about what's happening in your life, Poppet." 

"Mine?" 

"Yes. You're carrying a burden of guilt because of what happened during
the raid. That wasn't your fault. You did everything you could..." 

"Which wasn't enough," Becka interrupted. 

"Which was more than anyone else had done in over four years.
Rebecca...you put an end to the Soldiers...you did what you set out to do.
What more could anyone ask of you?" 

Becka glanced down at her clenched fists. Everything her father said was
true. Then why did she feel so guilty? 

"Those officers died in the line of duty. It wasn't your fault, Poppet.
Because of what you knew and did, four of those men came out alive. If you
hadn't been there, they would've all perished. Don't forget that, Becka.
Those men are alive today because of you." 

"I...I never looked at it like that." 

Bob squinted his eyes and nodded his head. "Maybe you should. Now about
regret." 

"Regret?" 

"Yes, regret. All those regrets that you keep buried in the back of your
mind." 

"I don't have any regrets." 

"Now that's not what I heard. Seems to me there was something concerning
that friend of Benton's, Ray Vecchio." 

Becka's eyes widened with dismay. "You eavesdropped on my conversation
with Cat?" 

"I said I was always with you." 

"But...but..." 

"Not to worry, Poppet. I understand those feelings. Had 'em myself when I
was living." Bob shook himself, "Not like your brother. He let that
strumpet, Victoria, shred his heart and, instead of letting it heal over,
he picks at the scab making it bleed." 

"Cat says he still loves Phil McKenzie." 

Bob nodded his head in agreement. "That's one of his regrets. He regrets
what he did to her and what he lost. It has him so tightly wound up
inside...I'm afraid that when he finally let's go he'll completely
unravel." 

"Should I talk to Phil?" 

"You should at least meet her...no need to tell her who you are. You might
also visit with that brother of hers, TJ. What kind of name is TJ anyway?"


"Stands for Thomas Jonathan," Becka smiled when she remembered what Cat
had told her. 

"Nevertheless, I think you should visit with him. He might be able to help
you." 

"Help me?" 

"With your brother. They were good friends at one time." 

"I thought that was over when Benny broke the engagement." 

"Well, it couldn't hurt to talk to the man. Cathy thinks highly of him." 

"Dad? Are you trying to play matchmaker?" 

"Not that I recall." 

"Good, don't. I'm not ready for anything like that. I don't know if I'll
ever be." She bowed her head and stared at her hands once more. 

"Poppet, don't do something you'll regret for the rest of your life. Don't
give up on love, it's there for you if you have the strength to claim it
when it appears. You don't get a second chance at love." 

"Dad? What...?" 

"There are no second chances, Becka. Don't let yours pass you by." With
those words, the image of Bob Fraser faded from sight. 

Becka stared at the spot that had recently been occupied by her father.
Would he visit her again? "I love you, Dad, and I miss you." But she felt
better than she had since learning of his death. 

Diefenbaker rolled over onto his other side, lifting his head slightly to
gaze over at the bed where his packmate's sister slept. Humans and their
dreams--something he would never understand. He watched the dreamcatcher
quiver imperceptibly then still. Huffing lightly, he laid his head back
down and closed his eyes. At least it was cool in the apartment. * * * 

Phil McKenzie stared into the darkness that had swept over the secluded
valley as night set in. She could barely make out the forms of Casey
Sinclair and her son, Trevor, as they walked the path to the main house.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she sighed in contentment. She loved it
here at Edge of the Earth. It reminded her of her home, now long gone, in
Colorado. 

Dropping her arms, she grabbed her glass of iced tea and headed in the
direction of the tall pine that stood sentinel in the clearing shared by
the cabins belonging to Casey and Rob's family. She skirted around the
bole of the tree and settled onto the old wooden swing hung from one of
the branches of the pine. A gentle push of one foot set the swing in
motion and Phil closed her eyes drinking in the peacefulness of the night.


"May I join you?" Cat Madden shifted from foot to foot, waiting for an
answer. 

Phil's eyes shot open. She could tell by every line of Cat's body that she
was nervous. Phil felt the corners of her mouth begin to curve. She'd
never seen Cat nervous. Cat had a forceful personality and nervousness was
not a part of that personality. Nodding her head, Phil acquiesced. 

Cat breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment, she had thought that Phil
would say no. She joined Phil on the swing and for several minutes did
nothing but enjoy the restful back and forth motion of the swing. Casting
yet another glance at the profile of her friend, Cat cleared her throat. 

"I'm sorry, Phil. I never meant to keep this a secret from you." 

"That's okay, Cat. I understand why you didn't tell me," Phil spoke out of
the darkness of the summer night. 

Cat smiled with no trace of her former nervousness. "I didn't even know
you had a connection with the Hopes until it was too late." 

"Too late? Why? You got something against my family?" Phil's light-hearted
banter drifted to Cat. 

"As a matter of fact I do, Phil. No family should have as many drop dead
gorgeous men in it as yours does. It's not fair to the rest of us." 

"Not fair? Now, Cat, I believe that you've had more than a fair share of
my men," Phil laughed infectiously. 

"Your men?" Cat laughed as well. 

"Well, my brother and my boyfriend." 

Cat sobered. "Lloyd said you two were close. I had no idea..." 

"It was over years ago, Cat." Phil looked away, staring at the moon as it
broke free of its cloudy cover. "As much as we loved each other, there was
something missing. Lloyd recognized it before I did and stopped me from
making a fool of myself." 

"Don't tell me...you were drinking," Cat spoke in a casual, jesting way. 

"I did tell you I couldn't hold my liquor." 

"That you did, Phil. That you did." Cat tossed her head back and shook out
her hair before gently teasing, "So, are you going to tell me what
happened?" 

"Don't you think you should ask Lloyd about that?" 

"I did. He said I should talk to you," Cat's smile turned down in
resignation. 

Phil grinned at her friend remembering her earlier conversation with
Lloyd. "I guess I could tell you about the time Lloyd got me rip-roaring
drunk and I..." 

"Lloyd got you drunk? When was this? What happened?" The questions bubbled
up from the depths of her soul. Somehow the idea of her soul mate getting
Phil drunk didn't ring true, but stranger things had happened--especially
when it came to Phil and her family. 

Phil chuckled and merriment crinkled the edges of her eyes. Cat was so fun
to tease. "Did Lloyd tell you how close we were?" 

"No, Lloyd gives new meaning to the word stoic. He said that he would not
be the bearer of tales. He did say that he loved you very much but that
you both knew you weren't meant for each other." 

Dipping her head slightly, Phil said, "I guess you could say we love each
other in much the same way you and Ben love each other." 

Cat cocked an eyebrow, surprised that Phil had mentioned Ben. Maybe that
was a good sign. 

The restful back and forth motion of the swing resumed as the two women
shared the evening stillness. Phil glanced over at Cat, wishing it wasn't
so dark. "So...you've found your soul mate in Lloyd?" 

"Yes." The quiet certainty in Cat's voice convinced Phil more than
anything else. 

"Then let me tell you a little bit about Lloyd and me," Phil's husky voice
invited Cat to share a special time in her life. 

"I would love that, Phil," Cat whispered. 

Phil leaned her head back and stared up at the sky visible through the
branches of the pine tree. Her thoughts drifted into her past, touching on
the men that had become important parts of her life. Finally, her thoughts
slowed and settled into a replay of a night that had occurred over four
years earlier. "Lloyd and I attended a wedding together. His best friend,
Mitchell Carson, was getting married. Lloyd and Mitch worked together with
the Forest Service. We'd been dating for several months and I thought
Lloyd would be the one to finally make me forget Ben..." 

Cat's ears perked up and she smiled. Phil certainly seemed to think about
Ben a lot. The smooth tones of Phil's voice called her back and she was
soon lost in Phil's story of the love shared by her lover and her friend. 

FOUR YEARS EARLIER 

"I've never seen Mitch this happy. He and Ruth Ann are very lucky people."


Phil bit her lip and nodded in agreement with Lloyd's words. Yes, Lloyd's
friend, Mitchell Carson, was a lucky man. Today, he had finally married
the love-of-his-life. The private ceremony had taken place in a meadow not
far from the Forest Service headquarters where Lloyd and Mitch worked.
After the ceremony, everyone had adjourned to the local tavern for a
makeshift reception. 

Everything about the wedding had been low-keyed. Both the bride and groom
had dressed in jeans and flannels. The only concession was the spray of
tiny flowers in Ruth Ann's hair. A simple service consisting of original
vows and a blessing by the minister in attendance was backdropped by the
spectacular view of the Rockies in the distance. It was one of the most
beautiful ceremonies she had ever attended, almost as beautiful as the one
she'd witnessed on the rim of the Grand Canyon. Somehow this ceremony
reminded her of the one she'd planned for her wedding to Ben Fraser. 

Lloyd leaned closer and placed a kiss on her cheek drawing her memories
back to the present. "It's time for me to carry out my duties as best
man." He waved his hands in the air and sent a sharp piercing whistle
toward the ceiling of the tavern. All chitchat stopped and everyone turned
to stare at the tall, dark haired man. "Now, that I have your attention,
it's time to toast the bride and groom." Small talk ensued as the small
gathering of people collected their drinks or reached for new ones. 

Phil stared down at her mineral water suddenly wanting something with a
little more kick. Something that would help block the memories of Ben
Fraser. She reached for a mixed drink, not caring what it was. Why was she
even thinking about Ben when she was in love with Lloyd? It had to be the
wedding and the painful memories it recalled--memories of a wedding that
never took place. She shook herself sternly and gulped down the drink in
her hand and grimaced at the taste of it. 

"Here, Phil, try this," Sarah Perkins held out a pink concoction. "It's a
frozen strawberry daiquiri. I noticed you didn't care for that martini." 

"Yuck, no wonder I don't drink. Isn't there anything that doesn't taste
like kerosene?" 

Sarah laughed. "You'll like this." 

Phil accepted the icy drink and turned to listen to Lloyd as he toasted
Mitch and his new wife. 

Lloyd's deep, rich voice carried to everyone. "To Mitch, my best friend,
and to Ruth Ann, the woman who puts the light in his eyes, a wish for
years of happiness together. May your hearts be entwined forever, may your
love produce many strong sons and beautiful daughters, and may you share
life's up and downs secure in each others arms. May the sun never set on
your love." Lloyd lifted his glass to his friend, smiled, and then sipped
deeply. The small group of friends gathered to share Mitch's wedding
sipped their drinks and made their own wishes for the newlyweds. 

"That was perfect, Lloyd." Phil smiled up at Lloyd then sipped from her
drink. 

"What is this you're drinking, Walela?" Amusement sparkled in his voice
and a smile played about the corners of his mouth. 

"Sarah gave it to me to toast Mitch and Ruth Ann with." 

"I thought you didn't drink." 

"I don't, but this is a special occasion. Besides, this is surprising
good." Phil stared down at the now empty glass. The fruity flavor of the
drink had caught her by surprise and she'd downed it before realizing it.
If there was alcohol in the drink, it was well hidden. "I think I'll have
another one." 

"Phil, are you sure about this?" 

"Of course I am, Lloyd. Don't worry, I'm not about to get drunk at Mitch's
wedding. I do have enough sense not to embarrass you like that." She
smiled up at Lloyd's handsome face, thankful that she'd gotten to know him
much better. She'd known Lloyd for years, having met him at the yearly
family gathering at Edge of the Earth, but it wasn't until this last one,
barely three months past, that Lloyd and she had discovered their feelings
for each other.  

Just when had the feelings of friendship changed to love? Phil wasn't
sure, she only knew that for some reason, this year, she saw Lloyd in a
different light. She had flown straight from the wedding of her friends,
Travis and Carol Hunter, to the family gathering at Edge of the Earth. She
was unsettled by the wedding of her friends. Travis had asked her to marry
him two years earlier and she had turned him down. After reconsidering her
refusal, it came as a shock to learn that he'd fallen in love with her
friend, Carol. Now they were wed and she was still alone and
lonely--missing Ben Fraser more than she thought possible. 

It was Lloyd who sought her out, worried about her uncharacteristic
silence. He had found her on the banks of the river at the waterfall above
Bounty Creek rapids. He had joined her in silence and waited for Phil to
make the first move. It wasn't long in coming. 

Staring into the distance, Phil told Lloyd about Ben. She even told him
about Lindy, something she had never done before. Lloyd had not spoken
only taken her into his arms and rocked her as she cried for what she once
had. He had tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her
trembling lips. 

They spent every available moment together after that. Lloyd kidded her
about her ceaseless energy--calling her Walela, Cherokee for hummingbird,
because she reminded him of one always darting here and there. Phil
smiled, thinking of the tattoo on her hip. Maybe she would show it to him
one day. 

Phil stayed on at Edge of the Earth for a few days after TJ, Rob and his
family, and Casey and Trevor went back to Chicago. She wanted to spend
more time with this man that made her heart light and treated her with
such gentleness. Somewhere, in the time they were together, they fell in
love. On their last day together, Lloyd took her to his special place--a
place he had shared with no one else. It made her feel special. He held
her in his arms and kissed her on the banks of the river. Almost, she
could forget Ben Fraser and all that he had meant to her. Almost, but not
quite. 

He had surprised her, a month later, when he dropped by her apartment in
Chicago. She had shown him the highlights of the city but the most
memorable moment had been the moonlight dinner on the roof of her
building. They had lain in each other's arms sharing a passion she had
felt with only one other man, but he stopped them from taking that final
step. Somehow she knew he was right when he said it wasn't the right time
for that. 

Off and on for the next two months they had stolen days together. Phil
would fly her plane to the small airstrip at Pincher Creek, Alberta, and
Lloyd would be there to pick her up. Lloyd made it to Chicago once more to
celebrate Rob's birthday in August. That's when he'd invited her to attend
Mitch's wedding. Phil had eagerly accepted. 

"Walela, you are miles away from me," Lloyd's velvet voice penetrated
Phil's reverie. 

"I'm sorry, Lloyd, I was thinking about us." 

"Us?" 

"Yes," the smile carried into her voice, "Us. Have I told you lately how
much I love you?" 

"Not today you haven't, but you may do so as often as you feel the need,"
Lloyd replied and slipped his arms around Phil's slight form. Cupping her
face in his hands he kissed her deeply. "I love you, too, Walela." 

"Lloyd!" Mitch called to his friend. 

Lloyd rested his forehead against Phil's and sighed. "Don't go anywhere,
Phil, I'll be right back." 

She leaned lightly into him, tilting her face toward his. "Don't be gone
too long, Lloyd." 

Lloyd kissed her again then hurried to where Mitch waited for him. Taking
a deep unsteady breath, Phil turned and wandered over to the bar. "A
strawberry daiquiri, please." Leaning against the bar, she watched Lloyd
and Mitch. When Lloyd glanced her way she smiled and raised her glass to
him. Soon, her drink was empty. "Another one, please," she cooed to the
bartender. 

With the drink firmly in her hand, Phil wavered toward Lloyd and Mitch.
She stumbled into a table and found herself abruptly sitting in a chair
she hadn't known was there. She started to rise when a flurry of activity
drew her attention to the front of the bar. Ruth Ann stood with her back
to the interior and the people gathered there. Something white and frilly
sailed over her head and the heads of the group near Ruth Ann. The frilly
white thing landed in Phil's lap. It was Ruth Ann's bridal bouquet. Phil
quickly downed the last of her drink and picked up the tiny nosegay of
rosebuds. 

"Looks like you'll be next, Phil!" Ruth Ann called to her. 

Phil raised her eyes to see Lloyd watching her. She smiled at him, raking
her eyes over his well-proportioned body. He stood tall and straight like
a towering pine, the muscles rippling beneath the light blue chambray
shirt he wore. Desire flared and Phil wanted him in a way she had not
wanted a man since Ben. She watched Lloyd's long sturdy legs carry him
across the room to stand before her. Her eyes were drawn to the fly of his
jeans, wondering if the rest of his body was a beautiful as the parts
she'd already seen. 

Lloyd dropped down on one knee before Phil. He'd seen the look of naked
desire in her eyes and he was drawn to her. Cupping her face in his hands
he stared into her eyes darkened by passion. "Phil? Are you all right?" he
asked as she continued to devour him with her eyes. 

"Lloyd, can we get away from here?" Phil had only one thing on her mind
and staying as the reception drew to a close wasn't it. 

Lloyd tore his eyes from Phil's and noticed the abandoned glass on the
table. "How many drinks have you had?" 

Phil blinked her eyes. Drinks? Who cared how many she had had? She didn't.
She didn't have a care in the world only this burning heat coiling inside
her. 

"Walela, you're drunk," Lloyd spoke with gentle understanding. 

"I am not, Lloyd. I only had three. That's not enough to get drunk on."
She caught Lloyd's hand and placed a kiss on his palm. 

"It's more than enough for you, Phil. Come on, let's get you home." 

"That's more like it, Lloyd. Take me home to your bed," Phil whispered and
shot to her feet. The sudden movement made her light-headed and she swayed
before dropping back into the chair. Lloyd retrieved the bouquet from the
floor where it had fallen and gave it to Phil before gently lifting her in
his arms. 

Turning to address the curious onlookers, Lloyd smiled then said, "Phil is
no drinker. I'm taking her home so she can sleep this off. She'll have one
hell of a hangover tomorrow." Phil grinned broadly and waved to everyone.
Light-hearted banter chased them to the door. 

He carried her out of the small tavern and placed her in the front seat of
his landrover. Coming around to the driver's side, he slid behind the
wheel of the vehicle and inserted the key in the ignition. As the motor
roared to life, Phil pounced on him. Forcing his lips apart with her
tongue, she invaded his mouth. Her hands fumbled at the waist of his
jeans, finally sliding down to rub against the growing bulge there. 

"Phil, no." Lloyd imprisoned her hands in his and held her struggling body
against his. "Walela, this isn't the right place." 

Phil stopped fighting the iron-strong arms around her. Lloyd was right.
This wasn't the right place. She could wait until they got back to Lloyd's
cabin. That was the right place. Nodding her head, Phil acquiesced. Lloyd
slowly released her and she slid back to her side of the landrover. 

Lloyd felt Phil's eyes on him all the way back to his cabin. He was
surprised by her aggressive attack on him. Now, he understood why she
didn't drink. This Phil exuded sensuality and his body responded to it. It
would be so easy to succumb to her charms and enjoy a night in her arms.
It would be easy, but it would destroy their relationship. Phil was not
his soul mate, and he wasn't hers. Lloyd recalled that afternoon on the
bank of the river and the heartrending story of Ben Fraser. Lloyd had
known then that Ben was Phil's soul mate. That didn't stop him from loving
her, however, it did temper what he would allow to happen. No, as much as
he might desire to bed Phil McKenzie, he wouldn't. He loved Phil too much
to let that happen. 

The drive to Lloyd's cabin passed in silence. As soon as the engine died,
Phil flew out of the landrover only to trip and fall ungracefully to the
ground.  

Lloyd, again, picked her up and carried her into the cabin. He carried her
through to his bed and laid her on the quilted coverlet. Phil reached for
him but he drew back from her. 

"Lloyd? I thought you...I mean..." 

"You thought wrong, Walela. I won't take advantage of you when you're like
this." 

"You won't be taking advantage of me, Lloyd. Make love to me, make love to
me now." She sat up on the bed and reached out a hand to him.  

"Phil...I can't." 

"Can't or won't?" Bitterness tinged Phil's retort. 

"Both...neither. Phil...Walela, this is wrong. You know it and I know it."


"No it isn't, Lloyd. I love you and I thought you loved me," Phil pleaded.


"I do love you, Phil. I love you enough to stop you from doing something
you will regret for the rest of your life." 

"How could I possibly regret making love to you?" 

Lloyd captured Phil's hands in his own. "Walela, I love you, but I am not
your soul mate. I am not the one who can fill all the empty spaces in your
soul. I cannot give you what that other man can give you." 

"What other man? Ben Fraser? He's gone, Lloyd, and I'll never see him
again. Why can't you be the one to help me forget him? Why can't I love
you like I loved him? Why can't I get him out of my mind?" Phil's voice
broke and Lloyd swept her up in his arms as she cried for Ben's lost love.


Lloyd held her until the weeping subsided, until the uneven breathing
calmed, until she yawned. "Walela, I won't lie to you. There is a fire in
my belly and you've put it there. I want to crawl into this bed with you
and feel your naked body against mine. I want to plunder the depths of
your woman's flesh and drown in your kisses. I haven't wanted a woman like
I want you in many years. But, I will not give into those desires. I will
not be second best with you. Sooner or later, it would destroy the love we
share. I cherish you too much to let that happen. Do you understand what
I'm trying to say?" 

Phil leaned against his broad chest. She nodded her head in answer to his
question. She loved him, too, and she didn't want to do anything that
would jeopardize that love. If only he could have been the one to remove
Ben from her heart. If only... 

Lloyd released Phil and pressed her back onto the bed. He stood and
removed her shoes. "Unzip your jeans and I'll pull them off," he said as
he grasped the hem of each leg. Phil did as she was told and Lloyd pulled
the jeans from her legs. He then pulled the covers down and, after Phil
slid her long, slender legs under them, he pulled them up under her chin.
Leaning over her, he placed a kiss on her forehead. "Sleep well, Walela.
Dream of your true love." 

Phil nodded her head and closed her eyes. Dream of Ben? Maybe she
would...maybe this time he wouldn't leave her. Maybe this time she would
keep his love. Maybe this time... 

Lloyd stood in the doorway of the bedroom watching Phil until he was
certain she was asleep. Once he was satisfied that she slept, he closed
the door and sought the coolness of the night sky. He truly loved Phil but
he wasn't her soul mate and she wasn't his. He would know her the moment
he saw her. She lived in his dreams. Raven haired with laughing eyes, she
moved with the grace of a cat. Someday she would come to him and he would
be complete. He eagerly waited for that day. * * * 

Phil glanced sideways at the other occupant of the swing. "I'm happy for
you and for Lloyd. He's a special man, Cat." 

Cat ran a tongue across her lips. "I couldn't agree more, Phil. Now I know
how you and Ben felt." There was a slight tinge of wonder in her voice. 

"What do you mean?" 

Cat spoke, her voice tender, almost a murmur, "To find the one your soul
hungers for...to become complete." 

Phil knew exactly what she meant. She had only felt complete with Ben.
Each of the men she had known in the years since Ben's departure had never
touched her the way Ben had. Even now, Ben's memories colored her
relationship with Martin. But she couldn't have Ben. Why couldn't she find
happiness with someone else? She mentally shook herself and focused her
attention on Cat. 

Cat reached across the distance separating them and placed a hand on
Phil's arm. "How can you stand to be apart from Ben?" 

"It wasn't my choice, Cat. But...I've learned to live with it." Phil
stiffened her resolve to get on with her life. "In fact, I'm seeing
someone...someone I love very much." 

This was not what Cat wanted to hear. Shocked into silence, all she could
do was stare at Phil's vague outline beside her on the swing. "What do you
mean?" 

"I'm getting on with my life like you said, Cat. Ben made no attempt to
contact me even after you told him where I was. I know...I know, I could
have contacted him but it wasn't my place to do that. How could I contact
him not knowing if he'd reject me again? Once was enough, Cat. I couldn't
bear to lose him again. I've accepted the fact that I will always care for
him but I can't have him. Knowing that, I can move on with my life. I'm
not getting any younger, Cat, and I'm tired of being alone. If I can't
have Ben then I'll take Martin." 

"Martin?" 

"Dr. Martin Stevenson. He's a friend and colleague of Rob's." 

"But you love Ben." 

Phil shook her head in negation. "No, Cat. A part of me still cares for
him and I guess I always will, but I love Martin. He makes me feel alive
and beautiful and he loves me and when he asks me to marry him, I'm going
to accept." 

"But, Phil, what about Ben?" 

"What about him? He had his chance. I can't live on my memories of what
might have been. I need someone to love me now." Phil sprang to her feet
setting the swing to gyrating. "I can't wait for something that will never
happen. I can't, Cat." She bowed her head. "I can't." She would not cry.
She was over Ben and she wouldn't cry over him again. "I'm sorry, Cat." 

"Don't be, Phil. But I think you should really consider what you're doing
if you're willing to settle for second best." 

Bitterness resounded in the forced laughter that flowed from Phil's lips.
"Second best is better than nothing, Cat. And that's what I have with
Ben--nothing--and that will never change. No, I have something with Martin
and I'm going to marry him." 

"Oh, Phil," Cat ached with the pain that her friend still bore. "Don't
make a stupid mistake. There have been too many of those already."  

"I know that, Cat. But this isn't a mistake. You'd like Martin. Both Rob
and TJ like him and I like him...I love him. This isn't a mistake." 

Cat could think of nothing that might convince Phil not to take this step
away from Ben. Maybe it was time for her to move on with her life. Heaven
knows Ben wasn't going to do anything about it. Still, her sixth sense
said otherwise and prompted her to add, "I hope you're right, Phil." 

"So do I," Phil whispered as she stooped to pick up the glass she'd set on
the ground. Bidding goodnight, Phil headed back to Casey's cabin. Guilt
ached within her breast. She should be happy for Cat and Lloyd. They were
both good friends and that they had found happiness with each other should
have made her ecstatic. But their happiness stirred some undefined feeling
in her being. It was only later that she realized it was loneliness she
felt and, even as much as she loved Martin, she didn't felt this
all-encompassing love. She'd only felt that with Ben Fraser. Would her
love for Martin be enough to overcome that?  

Cat watched her friend mount the steps to the porch, open the screen door,
and enter the tiny cabin. Shaking her head, she turned and started back
down the trail to the main house. Later that night, wrapped in Lloyd's
arms, she cried herself to sleep.  

  

To be continued (?) 

Copyright August 1998 by Cassandra Hope 

Comments are welcome at durango@ionet.net 

  

Nothing Lasts Forever (Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)  Nothing Lasts
Forever Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall Winter is Cold in America by
Carol Trendall Lavender Memories Distractions by Carol Trendall No
Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall Standing
on the Edge by Carol Trendall Of Past Regrets and Future Fears by Carol
Trendall A Summoning of Things Past Three Parts Dead A Job Well Done
Touchstones of Character But For the Night Tangled Webs Suspicions Chasms
of the Mind (with Carol Trendall) Outskirts by Carol Trendall