Tour of Duty - A Limerick of Epic Proportions Tour of Duty A Limerick of Epic Proportions Due South, The Movie There once was a Mountie named Fraser Whose mind was as sharp as a razor With his wolf-hound named Dief And a firm-held belief His morals were straight as a laser  The Mountie came south from The Yukon And the city named Jaw with a Moose-on Tuktoyaktuk was left Without him, bereft But Chicago he now was let loose-on  He met with a cop called Ray V Who's smarter than him - don't you see? But only round town - In the wilds he would drown Where Fraser is wiser than he  Fraser searched for the killer of Dad A Mountie who'd turned pretty bad When they caught him he said "Money went to my head" And the RCMP were all sad  They told Ben to stay in Chicago Or "as far as you possibly can-go" So he stayed there with Dief To the Mounties' relief And tried not to break the embargo     Free Willie A naughty young felon named Willie Was caught by Our Man - rather silly Bank robbers were got And the Stetson was shot Leaving poor Fraser's head rather chilly     Diefenbaker's Day Off The newspaper lady MacKenzie Went into a story-tell frenzy When she couldn't print 'owt She did stomp and did shout And got angry with our poor man Benzie     Manhunt He aided a Mountie called Buck An Officer down on his luck Pursued by a felon Buck felt like a melon Until he regained all his pluck     They Eat Horses, Don't They? The meat at the Mall was all bad Made a little boy ill, poor young lad Horse-grinders were found Selling "beef" by the pound Making everyone feel really glad     Pizzas and Promises He poses as car-salesman Billy-Bob Undercover to spy on those-who-rob Lenny of his new car Diefen-b tracks it far And recovers it back from the mob     Chinatown A Chinaman named Mr. Lee Got in trouble with Tong, he could see That if mob-rule allowed Servitude of the crowd Not one of them would e'er be free Chicago Holiday Fraser guided the diplomat's daughter She ran far away, so he sought her All over the town High and low, up and down Right up to the end where he caught her A Cop, A Mountie and a Baby A baby got left in the Riv They searched where the parents did live But all they could find Parents' love was so blind That to others their son they did give Gift of the Wheelman They brought in all store Santa Claus For allegedly breaking some laws But the Wheelman's plan Duped them all, to a man But for Fraser, who found out the cause You Must Remember This A lady ran over poor Ray Revived him, by mouth, where he lay She had to depart To the smugglers out-smart Although he'd have liked her to stay Hawk and a Handsaw Fraser wants to pretend to be nuts He won't listen to Ray's ifs or buts Cause of death he must find Searching each shattered mind Breaking bonds, through the muddle he cuts An Eye For An Eye The neighbourhood's new vigilante Obeyed only those laws of his fancy Dief was suffering too Fraser said "What we'll do - Ten minutes - we burn Tam O'Shantie!" The Man Who Knew Too Little The boys had to transport a liar To Canada, but he raised ire Canuck Mafia sought him And darned almost caught him The poor Riv ending badly on fire The Wild Bunch Dief is acting all secret and shady It turns out he's courting a lady But he bites Dog Patrol Sentenced without parole But escapes with the help of his baby The Blue Line A Hockey star, Smithbauer by name Liked the cash, adulation and fame But he got a bit greedy And of Fraser's help needy His excuses were weak and quite lame The Deal Raymond V saves a man from the mob A young shoemaker they're out to rob Zuko learns the hard way That you pay and you pay When he gets all the blows Ray can lob An Invitation To Romance Fraser's boss makes him present a letter To a lady, he's only just met her When she says she's in love He thinks "Heavens above" Her fiance comes storming to get her Heaven and Earth A tramp with the gift of insight Held the key to a kidnapping night Though he blamed our Red Hero Who was nowhere near - though The man was, at least, partly right Victoria's Secret Lost lover comes back to his life Causing melodramatics and strife Fraser's head-over-heels Can't believe how he feels But losing her cuts like a knife Letting Go The recovery's painfully slow Ray's sorry, and sure lets him know That he'll stick by his friend From right now to the end And he's got to do much letting go © Caroline Mockett 1996 Please do not reproduce in fanzines etc without the prior permission of the author To Be Continued.... North, Vault, The Witness, Bird In The Hand, The Promise, Mask, Juliet Is Bleeding, One Good Man, The Edge, Starman (When I've seen them!)