Title: Kitchen Items: A snippet
Author: Bertie
Date: 6/27/01
E-Mail: bermille@earthlink.net
Rating: PG?
Category: Snippet
Archive: sure
Disclaimer: Kitchen items?

"What was it they said we would like to use?"

"Hmm...well, Elaine said a spatula for Walter."

"A spatula? What, to spank us?"

"Probably."

"Cross that one out."

"Right with you..." Alex stuck his tongue out as he bent and crossed that item out. "But look at this--tooth picks?? What in the world? The splinters alone..."

"Shit, better cross that out before someone gets a bright idea."

"Ok."

"What's the other items?"

"Well, seems this Jess person, who claims she isn't a writer, though I have a feeling she may have some writing ability lurking in her somewhere...says, um...and I quote 'Umm, oven mitts, pastry brush, vegetable scrubber, and of course, a turkey baster....You guys are the writers- think of the uses!'"

"Turkey baster? Isn't that what they use to impregnate women?"

"Yup. Crossing that puppy out."

"Hmm, oven mitts...what, as some industrial strength condom? What the fuck? That would hurt like a mother fuck."

Alex shrugs his shoulders. "I have no clue, babe."

"Hmm, now pastry brush may have some possibilities!" Mulder smirked at Alex.

"Oh fuck no, I pee whenever you guys tickle me, you know that!"

"Oh shit, that's right! Walter was so pissed when he had to get a new couch from when you pissed all over it!"

"Well, I told you to stop but no, mister tickler!"

"Hmm, well, good thing I wasn't using the French Tickler."

Alex snorted. "Yeah."

What was that other item?"

"A vegetable scrubber."

Mulder paused. "Are they like brushes or like dishcloths?"

"I don't know."

"Well, if it's a brush, then maybe Walter can use it to spank us."

"I thought he was going to use the spatula."

"We crossed that item off."

"Oh yeah.but you know if they had said kitchen appliances then that I could understand."

"Appliances? What, like a blender?"

"Ouch! No, I was thinking of a dishwasher."

"Dishwasher?"

"Oh yeah, especially the one with the rollers on them. They hum right up your spine while your being fucked, it's amazing!"

"And when did you ever experience that?"

Alex blushed. "Oh, long time ago, long before I met you."

"Uh huh. Didn't I see the dishwasher moved out the other day?"

"Walter was cleaning out from behind it, I swear."

Mulder shook his head. "Yeah, I believe you."

"Well, its not as if you haven't had your share of Walter when I wasn't around, Mulder."

"Since when?"

"Since when you were under Walter's desk the whole time you were supposed to be abducted from those aliens!"

"How do you know that?"

"You've forgotten already? I relieved you whenever you needed to go take a break. I mean, there are just so many hours in a day a person can suck cock."

Mulder snorted. "You are so right, brother."

"Mulder, this isn't Simon and Simon."

"Oh yeah. Well, you know the author.she's always saying Incest is Best."

"Hey, maybe you shouldn't mention her, you know how she hates Mary Sues."

"Oh that's right, she can't stand them."

They paused looking at each other sheepily when suddenly the front door opened and there stood Walter wearing goggles and a tool belt loaded with power tools.

"Hot damn! Now if they had said power tools."

And with that they proceeded to make hot monkey love.

The End