Title: ONE MORE DAY WITH YOU

Author: Candy Apple

Email: blair_lady@yahoo.com

Website: https://www.squidge.org/~candy_a

Direct to Nip/Tuck Page: https://www.squidge.org/~candy_a/NTPage.htm

Permission to archive: Yes

Fandom(s): Nip/Tuck

Genre: Slash

Pairing/Characters: Sean/Christian

Rating: Fan Rated MAO (Grown-ups Only)

Summary: When Sean calls on Christian for help in coping with a personal crisis, Christian re-evaluates his plans for his final months, his feelings for his partner, and what having a family really means.

Warnings: Violence, description of sexual assault, discussion of prior sexual abuse, H/C (is that a warning or an incentive?). If you watch Nip/Tuck, you can probably handle this story. :-) There is a heaping helping of romance in there, too, so if that's not your thing, beware... This is NOT a death story.

Notes: This story only takes into account canon through the episode Budi Sabri. It takes its own course from that point, divergent from the series. Sadly, song lyrics are not mine - - if they were, I would be a lot richer and would have more time to write fanfic... It goes without saying the Nip/Tuck cast isn't mine, either. Kudos to their creator for giving us such inspiring characters.

*****************************************************************************

ONE MORE DAY WITH YOU

by

Candy Apple

The phone had no mercy. It kept ringing despite Christian's best efforts to ignore it. Even going to voicemail twice didn't dissuade this caller. No message, hang up, call again. Christian answered the phone.

"Hello," he mumbled into the receiver, not fully opening his eyes.

"I know it's late. I need a ride. Can you pick me up?" Sean's voice was on the other end of the line, and something didn't sound right.

"Teddy leave you stranded again?" Christian replied, blinking and sitting up, waking up more completely now.

"Not exactly. I'm sorry to call you so late...I need a ride," he repeated.

"Are you okay?" Christian asked, not liking the strained, anxious sound of Sean's voice.

"I just need you to pick me up. Please."

"Where are you?" Christian was worried now, but it was obvious Sean wasn't going to say anything more about what predicament he was in, at least not on the phone.

"I'm at the Quick-Mart on Tenth."

"That's not a great neighborhood. What the hell are you doing there?"

"I'll explain it when you get here."

"Okay. Stay inside the store until you see me pull in. No point in offering yourself up as bait for muggers."

"I'll be here. Thanks." With that, Sean hung up.

Christian pulled on some casual pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, stuck his feet in sneakers and threw on a jacket as he went out the door. Only for Sean would he drive an orange Lambourghini through a questionable neighborhood at two in the morning. He wouldn't rest until he got them both back to the other side of the tracks with no bullet wounds and his car intact.

When he pulled up to the convenience store, Sean was watching through the door for him, and came out right away. He was wearing a leather jacket, t-shirt, and jeans, which in itself caught Christian's attention. He couldn't ever remember seeing Sean dressed that way in his life. What struck him most was that there was something wrong with Sean's gait. He got into the passenger side, but seemed to be moving a little gingerly as he lowered himself into the seat. Once the door was closed, Christian headed out of the lot and down the road he'd used to get there.

"You want to tell me what this is all about?"

"We should go to the office first," Sean said. "I need you to take a look at something," he added, keeping his eyes on his lap, not looking at Christian.

"Are you hurt? Sean, come on, what the hell's going on here?"

"Teddy wanted to go to this...place. I thought it was some biker hang-out. I was kind of nervous about it. I'm not exactly the biker bar type," he added, smiling a little. "Turns out it was an S&M club."

"Shit. You did get hurt, didn't you?"

"I feel stupid enough about this, Christian. I know I don't have any right to drag you out of bed in the middle of the night and then ask you to patch me up, but I feel so goddamn...ridiculous. I can't go into an ER like this."

"What happened? Where's Teddy?"

"I guess she's still there. Once the...session ended, I just left. I didn't want to see her."

"Was she the one who hurt you?"

"No, it was some dominatrix in leathers, from head to toe, complete with a face mask. I don't know who the hell it was."

"I'm going to be examining the damage in a few minutes, so you might as well level with me what happened."

"She stuck something up my ass and I'm bleeding," Sean shot out, as if he had to say it fast before he lost his nerve.

"Don't they have safe words in that place?"

"I didn't have one. I didn't even think about it. It's not like I do this on a regular basis. Pain has never been a turn on for me. Teddy thought it would get me to loosen up and surrender control, or something like that. I didn't think it would go this far."

"That bitch raped you, Sean. She ought to be arrested."

"I was naked and tied up to this X-shaped thing on the wall. I consented to that. How can I cry rape when I put myself in that situation?"

"To be brutalized? Did she tell you what she was going to do?"

"I was blindfolded. That was supposed to be the surrendering the control part." Sean was quiet a moment. "Pull over."

"Are you crazy? Not here."

"Pull over, I mean it."

Christian got the car to the curb just in time for Sean to open the door and throw up on the cement. He reached over to rub Sean's back, but Sean flinched away from the touch. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he closed the door and nodded to Christian, who was anxious to get them to a better part of town, and to find out just how badly hurt Sean was.

"Maybe you're just shaken up and it's not that bad," Christian said, deciding that cross-questioning Sean and scolding him for letting Teddy lead him into another stupid, self-destructive activity probably wasn't what he needed right now. "Try to calm down, and we'll get it taken care of. A little rectal bleeding doesn't mean you need surgery."

Sean didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride to the office. Once they pulled into Christian's parking spot, he turned off the engine.

"Stay there." Christian got out of the car and went around to the passenger side as Sean opened the door. He reached out to give Sean a hand getting out of the low-flung sports car. If he had any serious tearing or injury, Christian wanted to make sure to avoid aggravating it.

They walked slowly into their suite, and finally into the OR.

"Why don't you get undressed and I'll get a few supplies?"

"It's mainly...the bleeding I'm worried about."

"You flinched when I touched your back, and I can see you've got some abrasions on your wrists from the restraints. Just put on a gown and you don't have to show me anything you don't want to, okay?" Christian said gently, resting a hand on Sean's shoulder. Sean finally nodded in agreement.

Christian gathered up a few things he thought they might need that he didn't want to make Sean wait for once he started examining him. He also lingered long enough to let Sean get out of his clothes and into the gown in privacy. Christian remembered how he'd felt after the Carver left him there, violated and bleeding. He hadn't needed stitches to recover, but the pain and the blood and violation were scary and degrading, and he'd felt so isolated. He knew he should have called Sean, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't blame Sean for being embarrassed, for wanting help and yet dreading it at the same time.

"Ready for me?" he said, returning to the OR with his supplies. Sean was standing there in the gown and his socks, and he nodded. "Why don't you let me give you something? Just lie down on the table, and let me put you under so you don't have to feel any of this."

"I don't want to be here in the morning when the staff gets here."

"You won't be. I'll give you a light dose, and I'll take you home as soon as we're done. It's going to hurt like a son of a bitch for me to examine you, let alone if you need stitches, which you probably do judging by the bleeding."

"Okay," Sean agreed. He struggled a little with sitting on the table, and then lay down on his back, wincing as his skin made contact with the sheets.

"I'll take care of your back as soon as we get home." Christian paused to rest his hand lightly on top of Sean's head. "Just try to relax and I'll take care of everything."

When Sean was asleep, Christian carefully positioned Sean's legs in the stirrups and fought the lump in his throat while he cleaned up the blood so he could examine the bruised, swollen area. Whatever had been used on Sean was bigger than any normal penis, judging by the condition he was in. He placed stitches where they were needed and treated the area with an anesthetic ointment to help reduce the pain and swelling.

When he was finished, he left Sean dozing on the table and went to Sean's office to find the gym bag Sean kept in his closet. Inside were a clean t-shirt, boxers and sweat pants. Christian had to smile at how tidy and clean Sean even kept his gym bag. No forgotten smelly socks or soggy towels, just a neat set of supplies for the next visit to the gym.

He returned to the OR and cursed himself for giving Sean quite so much sedation when he tried to get the t-shirt and pants on him. Finally, satisfied Sean was treated and covered up with clean clothes, Christian stuck Sean's shoes back on his feet and coaxed him into the leather jacket. He gathered up Sean's blood-stained underwear and jeans, stuffing them in the gym bag.

He quickly tidied up the supplies they'd used, and left Linda a note that she should have the OR cleaned because it wasn't sterile. He figured she'd have questions, but he had a few hours to come up with a story.

Sean still wasn't very alert when they had to leave, and Christian finally gave up on making him walk - - which mostly amounted to dragging him anyway - - and carried him out to the car. It was hard for Christian to believe that he was wasting away from cancer when it seemed as easy to carry Sean now as it had when they were in college and he'd carried him to the ER with a broken foot. He'd been so sure things were going his way, that he was in remission, that he was on his way to another thirty-plus years of life. Suddenly, with Sean's head lolled on his shoulder, and the warm weight of him in his arms, Christian dreaded leaving his partner behind. Sean could be closed off, and he often crawled off and licked his own wounds somewhere, but when he needed Christian, he needed him badly. Without Christian, who would Sean have called? Matt? Christian wasn't even sure Matt was home, and if he wasn't, where he was.

He eased Sean into the passenger seat, and that seemed to bring him around a little.

"What'd you give me, a double?" he asked groggily.

"Enough so it didn't hurt," he answered honestly, running his hand gently over Sean's hair. I can't leave you, he thought, letting his hand linger on Sean's head a moment.

"Gave me enough for a horse," he slurred, closing his eyes again.

Christian straightened and closed the car door, retrieved the gym bag from where he'd abandoned it when he decided to carry Sean, and tossed it in the car, getting in himself and driving them home.

Home. Their home. Sean talked about getting his own place every now and then, but he never did anything about it. And that was fine with Christian. It was nice hanging out together after a long day, or running into someone other than a one-night stand at the breakfast table. Sean was a second parental figure for Wilbur, and often vented his own frustrated paternal instincts by sitting on the floor in Wilbur's room and playing some inane children's board game with him.

Christian swallowed the lump in his throat. He'd managed to be pretty calm and philosophical about his death sentence, but it wasn't resting well with him tonight. Seems he was more connected to this life with more binding ties than he'd realized when he flew off to Miami to propose to Liz. His child and his best friend needed him. For the first time, he really thought about Sean's life after he was gone. Sean was more alone than Christian, with Julia gone and the kids with her most of the time. Wilbur would be cared for by Liz, and Sean would go on with the practice, probably with some other partner, or maybe stay in practice alone. He'd move into an apartment by himself, probably, leaving Liz with the house to raise Wilbur.

He'll be so goddamned alone when I'm gone.

Christian blinked back tears, willing himself to stay calm and collected. He'd made his decision - - no more surgery, no more chemo. He was going to live the time he had left. He was going to get married, have a real family, live as fully as he could until the disease caught up to him.

And then Sean will stand at my grave and cry, and Matt or someone will pat him on the back, and then he'll go home and get drunk alone. After all, the one who'll need all the sympathy is my widow, not my partner.

"Shit," Christian muttered as he pulled into the garage at home. He got out of the car and went around to the passenger side to get Sean out. This time, his partner rallied better, walking on his own. When they walked into Sean's bedroom, Christian tossed the gym bag in the corner. "You had clean stuff in your gym bag, so all you'll need to do is take off what you want to go to bed. I want to look at your back and your wrists before you turn in."

"Okay," Sean agreed, kicking off his shoes and taking off the sweat pants and t-shirt until he was clad only in the clean boxer shorts. "I hope I didn't bleed on your car seats," he said. Christian hadn't even thought of the pristine leather seats in his prized Lambourghini. The fact Sean had bothered him for some reason.

"Don't worry about it. That's why they have leather cleaner."

"Am I still bleeding?"

"No. Now that everything is cleaned up and sutured, there won't be more than a little seeping from the sutured tears, if anything. Your shorts should catch it. Here, take this," Christian said, handing Sean a pill and a glass of water.

"What is this?"

"Just a mild stool softener. I don't want you putting any strain on the stitches."

"Great," Sean said, taking the pill. He sat carefully on the side of the bed, and Christian sat on the foot of the bed, so he was behind Sean. "How bad was it?"

"I put some self-dissolving sutures in. You had a couple large tears I repaired, and a couple minor tears that should heal on their own. There's a lot of bruising and swelling, but no signs of internal damage. What the hell did she use on you?"

"I don't know. I couldn't see it. It was hard and it was too big."

"Tell me again what the point of tearing up your back was," Christian said, his anger directed at Teddy and whatever psycho had hurt Sean, but it was coming out in his voice to Sean.

"Teddy thought turning over control would liberate me somehow...and that I needed to feel the pain of losing you so I could confront it and let go of you, and the hope you'd somehow miraculously recover. I guess she thought this was going to be some emotional catharsis brought on by physical pain."

"Bullshit," Christian said simply, looking at the angry welts on Sean's back. "This'll make it feel better. Numb it up a little," Christian said, keeping his touch as light as he could in spreading some of the analgesic ointment on the welts.

"I wish you had some of that stuff to use on the inside," Sean said quietly.

"I've been thinking about what you said," Christian said, going on with his task.

"About what?"

"Finding a clinical trial, something experimental. Not like there's a whole lot to lose."

"Are you serious?" Sean turned to look at him. "You don't have to commit to something because I got hurt, Christian. That was my own stupidity."

"Maybe I've come to the conclusion that I owe it to you and Wilbur to not give up without a fight. I've been looking at this like I was alone, that my death wasn't going to take anyone else down with me, so I could just...die. Not fight it. People come back from some pretty aggressive cancer, and if there's a chance I can raise my son, and spend another twenty some years playing doctor with you - - that came out wrong. You know what I mean. It's worth a shot."

"If it took someone ripping me a new asshole to make you change your mind, it was worth it."

"Nothing's worth this, Sean."

"I was trying to meet Teddy halfway, show her I wasn't this boring, strait-laced prude. And I hoped maybe she was right. Maybe it would help. None of that shit matters now. If you're serious, I'll get on the phone first thing in the morning and start looking into experimental programs, so we can decide together the best one to try. We'll need all the files from Dr. Moss, all the test results. Can you take care of getting those?"

"Hey, slow down, killer," Christian said, smiling. "We don't have to do it all in the next two hours." Finished with Sean's back, he moved over to sit next to him. He held out his hand, and Sean laid one of his abraded wrists there.

"It's a battle against the clock, Christian. Every second is precious. We can't let the cancer have any more time than absolutely necessary to spread unchecked before we get started. It'll take a few days to get you set up in a program anyway, even if we find the right one, right away. Assuming it starts soon enough. I don't want to wait."

"I was just talking about you letting me fix up your wrists, and then you getting a little bed rest to let your sutures do their work. You need to take it easy for a day or so if you don't want to tear out the stitches."

"I can make phone calls as soon as business hours start. It's already almost eight on the East Coast. As long as I don't do anything strenuous, I should be okay."

"Okay, look, I'll get all the records from my doctor as soon as his office opens. You take a nap and stay off your feet for a few hours, and we'll work on it together this afternoon. Deal?"

"Deal," Sean agreed. "Also, let's run all your labs again."

"What for?"

"I'd like to run all your labs again. I'll take the samples myself and personally deliver them to the lab and pick them up when they're finished."

"Dr. Moss is very thorough, Sean. I'm sure he knows what he's talking about."

"Good for him. I still want to run a new set of lab work. Indulge me."

"Whatever turns you on, partner." Christian wrapped gauze around Sean's wrist. "Let's see the other one." Christian put the ointment on that one and wrapped it. "You must have been trying like hell to get out of those restraints," Christian said, his voice rough. "The skin's broken on this one."

"I panicked," Sean admitted.

"Here, put this on. It'll protect your back," he said, handing Sean the t-shirt, which he pulled over his head, and Christian helped to carefully pull it down over Sean's back.

"We're going to beat this thing, Christian. I won't let you go." Sean pinned him with such an intense gaze that Christian actually felt that his cancer didn't stand a chance against such determination.

"Teddy doesn't have any delusions that she still works for us, does she?"

"Not with Liz back, unless she wants time off for the wedding."

"Don't fight me on this, Sean. I'm calling Teddy to make sure she's clear that she's not welcome back in our practice, for any reason."

"It's probably for the best. I don't want to see her after this, and it would be really awkward."

"I can't believe she set you up for something like this. No safe words, no limits - - what club was this?"

"It was called Dragons. I guess the inside joke is 'dungeons and dragons', so they call it Dragons so it's not as obvious that it's a dungeon. Or something like that. She was explaining it in on the way there, but I was kind of nervous so I didn't pay a lot of attention. I still thought it was a biker bar, with all the leather we were wearing."

"So after you got there, she sprang this on you like a surprise?"

"I could tell right away it was a different kind of leather, based on how everyone was dressed and what was going on. People having sex in dark corners, going off into the private area where the real fun and games go on. Once you got back there, you could hear whippings and people crying out. Some of them sounded orgasmic, others just sounded like they were in pain." Sean sighed. "She told me that physical pain was a way of releasing emotional and psychological pain. That's not a new concept."

"I remember when you cut your arm after Matt put that restraining order on you. If it didn't work for that, what made you think it would work for this?"

"How did you know about that?"

"We worked on a patient who cut herself to exorcise emotional pain. A couple days later, you show up with this nasty cut on your arm and some lame-ass excuse how you got it. I put two and two together. Since you didn't seem inclined to keep on doing it, there wasn't much point in my harassing you about it." Christian was going to put his arm around Sean, but he wasn't sure that would feel all that good, since there were a couple large welts on his upper back. He settled for patting his knee instead. "That whipping had to hurt enough to do the job. Why let her tear you up like that on the inside? Or didn't she ask first?"

"I don't want to talk about that right now, Christian. I can't."

"Okay. When you can, you'll tell me what happened?" Christian urged gently. He hadn't really given Sean a blow-by-blow of his attack, either, but there were times he wished he had before it was too far past to make sense bringing it up again.

"Yeah, I'll try," he agreed.

"Get some rest. You're still doped up, so take advantage of it before it wears off and everything starts hurting again."

"Thanks for that thought," Sean said, smiling faintly. He stood up and Christian turned back the bed so Sean could get in. Settling on his side, Sean caught Christian's wrist as he was about to leave the room. "Would you stay a few minutes?"

"Sure. Mind if I stretch out on the empty side?"

"No, that's fine. I shouldn't make you stay up."

"You're not going to. I'll just sleep in here instead." Christian stretched out on the bed, kicking off his shoes. "Go to sleep, Sean. We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

"We're going to find a way to beat this," Sean said.

"I believe you," Christian said, touching Sean's arm from where he lay behind him. Sean covered the hand with his.

"I love you, Christian. Always remember that, okay?"

"I know you do. I love you, too. No matter what happens." Christian scooted a little closer so Sean could feel the warmth of him but there was no pressure on his back.

"I don't want you to die," Sean said, his voice badly strained.

"I won't if I can help it," Christian responded, feeling in his heart that if his will to stay with Sean was all it took to beat the cancer, he had it made. Maybe it would be enough.

********

Liz unlocked the door and carried in a few groceries she picked up on the way home. Wilbur had slept over at a friend's house, and Liz had taken him to preschool before stopping to pick up a few provisions to stock Sean's and Christian's refrigerator. She wondered how the living arrangement would work after the wedding. She felt sure Sean would find another place, but no one had said anything about that yet. Not that Sean was much of a problem to them. His room was at the other end of the house, and he was very courteous about giving them space or respecting their privacy. He was a tidy, quiet housemate that it was tempting to keep on to combat the absurd price of housing in the exclusive area where they were living. It's not like they didn't all get along together. Matt didn't seem to have any prospects for making a decent living on his own, so she suspected they would be "raising" Matt along with Wilbur.

Smiling, she was looking forward to waking Christian up, and slipped quietly into the shadowy bedroom. She was surprised to see no one in the rumpled bed. Frowning, she checked the bathroom his bedroom shared with Wilbur's room, and found it empty.

"Christian?" she called into the quiet house. She walked down the hall toward Sean's room, where the door was standing ajar. Thinking Sean must be up, too, since his door was usually closed if he was either in bed or changing, she pushed the door open with a little tap. She wasn't sure what to make of what she saw. Sean was sleeping soundly, with Christian close behind him, almost spooned up to him, their hands clasped where Christian's hand was on Sean's arm. Neither man stirred or woke. Christian's face was so close to Sean's head on the pillow that she almost thought she could see a wisp of Sean's hair moving with Christian's breath.

She backed out of the room and pulled the door to the frame. She was Christian's fiancee, and yet she felt as if she'd intruded on something more intimate than sex. She hadn't felt the least bit guilty walking in on Christian banging some dim-witted slut, buck naked and thrusting, but somehow, she felt guilty for having walked in on Christian sleeping, fully dressed, behind Sean, who was also in his t-shirt and presumably his shorts and under the covers.

Sure there was some explanation, she tried to get her mind off it. Christian's prognosis was still news to all of them, and maybe Sean and Christian just had a bad night over it. Sean hadn't shown a lot of emotion about Christian's terminal status, and maybe it finally just caught up with him.

She tried to shake off the image of the two of them, lying there sharing such obvious closeness. They've been friends for years, even longer than they've known me. This can't be the first time in their lives one of them stayed over to comfort the other, or crawled into the same bed for a purely platonic reason. They were college roommates, lifetime friends, housemates now. There was precious little danger Christian was gay, she thought with a smile as she put the groceries away.

There was precious little danger of you being straight, Lizzie, my girl, her inner voice taunted. Now you're talking to wedding planners, fretting over squeezing into some frilly dress, wearing a giant rock on your finger, and planning to spend what's left of Christian's life being his wife and a mother to his child. Rock on, pro-choice, liberated lesbian! A few months ago, you would have been less surprised to find Sean in bed with Christian than to find yourself there...and now, there he is. Playing snugglebunny with your fiance.

Liz forced herself to laugh at the thought. If Sean were going to make a move on Christian, he'd have done it by now, and vice versa. Christian had made his choice and he'd flown across the country to propose, on one knee, with a ring that probably cost as much as his Lambourghini. Dismissing the whole thing as her own insecurity, she started a pot of coffee brewing and finished stocking the refrigerator. Feeling strangely like an outsider in her fiance's home, she filled her car mug with the fresh coffee, still leaving enough for Christian and Sean when they woke up. She left Christian a note, and headed for the office.

********

When Sean woke up, it didn't take him long to remember what happened. More so than the pain, he ached with self-loathing for the stupidity that got him into the situation that quickly escalated into a disaster that left him shaken and unable to take care of himself. He couldn't even really fully blame Teddy for this, and yet he was letting Christian loose on her to formally terminate her affiliation with McNamara/Troy. He could no more face her than he could really face Christian and tell him the truth. He brought it all on himself, and whatever injuries he'd suffered, he deserved.

Christian was gone, and the bed was empty now. There was a note on the night stand.

"Left some Vicodin. Don't be a hero - - take some if you're hurting. Take it easy and I'll be home for a late lunch, with my records."

Sean still felt hung over from the sedation Christian had given him the night before, but the pain did make the Vicodin tempting. Still, he was anxious to take a shower and wash the smell of smoke, alcohol, sweat, and sex off himself. He didn't know what was really there, and what was his imagination, but he felt dirty.

Christian's going to fight the cancer. He's not giving up. Maybe there's hope.

Sean forced himself to sit up, wincing at the discomfort. He picked up his cell phone off the night stand and turned it back on. He'd left it off all night, ever since he'd called Christian. Predictably it sprang to life with notices he had voicemail. They were all from Teddy.

"Where the hell did you go? Call me, Sean." Each subsequent message was similar, her frustration clearly escalating as she was unable to reach him.

He set the phone back on the night stand and stood, unable to stifle a little grunt of pain. He wondered why Christian had a change of heart, and how Liz would take the news. She'd probably be happy. After all, marrying a man who only had a year or less to live wasn't really the rosy future most new brides looked forward to.

What did you think you were going to do? Break up their engagement?

Sean walked into his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. He pulled the t-shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor, turning to look at his back in the mirror. The welts and red marks looked as painful as they felt. The whipping was the dominatrix's idea. The dildo wasn't.

"What else am I going to do with my pretty slave?" she'd asked in a sultry voice once she'd tired of using the leather whip on him. "Maybe I should use one of my toys on his pretty ass."

His back felt like it was on fire, his arms were tired from their uncomfortable stretched position, and it hadn't given him any great emotional catharsis. All it did was hurt, and part of him realized there was something he wanted to accomplish by suffering through this painful and humiliating experience. Something he could only accomplish in a setting like this. He needed to know if he could deal with having something up his ass. Something very specific. A ten-inch something.

"My partner's got a ten inch dick," he said, but he didn't go on to tell her it had never been inside him. That his partner was dying, and that before he lost him forever, he wanted one chance for them to make love...one chance before he stood by Christian's side as his best man and watched Liz marry him and move into what had been their home and share his last months. He didn't delude himself that it would change anything, but at least he'd always have that memory of Christian and the one time they shared a moment of physical intimacy that might somehow try to equate to the emotional intimacy they'd always had. Christian was certainly sexually liberal enough to try it - - especially if he could still stick his dick into something slick, tight, and hot.

Now he'd ended up a pathetic mess with a torn up asshole Christian had to patch up for him.

When he'd felt that thing pushed up inside him, it was agony. It felt like a white hot poker violating him, and he'd cried out in pain more than once, but it didn't stop. At first, he was trying to ride it out, knowing that it would take time for him to stretch to accommodate it. But it just kept hurting more and more, and the more afraid of the pain he got, the more he resisted the invasion of his body, the more it hurt, and the more the woman in control of the situation seemed to get off on shoving it inside him. Whether it was his pain that turned her on, or she thought he was just getting into the whole act and didn't understand that he was in real pain, he didn't know, but it didn't seem to surprise or bother her that he was bleeding by the time she undid his restraints and said, "You can get dressed now, honey," and left the room. "Come see me anytime you need a stand-in for your partner."

Leaving him standing there, unsteady on his feet, in pain, feeling the hot wetness of his own blood on the inside of his thigh, and the hot wetness of tears in his eyes and on his face. Could anyone possibly be turned on by being used that way? Or had he just run into a true sadist and given her an unexpected opportunity to enjoy her handiwork?

Or did he just get what he asked for? How could he even look Christian in the eyes after what he'd done? What had been done to him? Christian had suffered a real rape, real molestation when he was young; he'd been brutalized against his will.

I have no right to any sympathy for whatever I suffered. I'm a stupid, self-destructive pussy who brought it on myself.

Sean braced himself on the bathroom counter and let the tears come, wracking sobs that were born of his fear of losing Christian, his anguish over losing the chance for one moment of complete physical intimacy with the one person who had always been his true life partner, the pain and humiliation he'd caused himself through his own stupidity...

A gentle touch on his shoulder startled him, but he didn't resist it. He knew right away who it was.

"It's okay, Sean. I'm right here," Christian said softly, carefully holding Sean with his arms high across the back of Sean's shoulders and low on his waist to avoid putting pressure on the damaged area of his back. Sean clung to him, partially because of the pain and trauma of what he'd been through, and partially because his fear of losing Christian forever was so intense at that moment that he wanted to physically hold him on Earth and refuse to let death have him. "Let me get you a Vicodin. Don't fight taking care of yourself for a day or two. There'll still be clinical trials and experimental drugs forty-eight hours from now. I won't back out on you, if that's why you're worried."

"It's my own fault," Sean said, pulling back from Christian. He felt guilty for even accepting the comfort. "I don't deserve your sympathy or your respect anymore."

"Shit, Sean, you know better than that. This wasn't your fault, and you'll always have my respect." Christian laid his hand on the side of Sean's face, brushing away a few tears with his thumb.

"I let her do this to me. I'm not a victim. I don't have any right to your help or your sympathy when you suffered a real violation."

"I suffered a different one. Doesn't make yours less real. I know you didn't really ask to be hurt this way. Taking a shower might make you feel better. Just don't turn the spray on too strong because the water pounding on your back won't feel too good."

"I thought you were gone until lunch," Sean asked, wiping at his eyes.

"I picked up my files, and I got to thinking that maybe you wouldn't want to be alone all morning," he said. "Sean, look, it doesn't matter that the circumstances are different, or that you've found some way to blame yourself because some crazy bitch irresponsibly tore you up when she should have known goddamned well she was seriously hurting you. You were violated and that's traumatic. It's not your fault no matter how you twist it around to say that it is. I remember someone telling me it wasn't my fault once."

"You were a child, Christian. And when Quentin attacked you, he drugged you."

"And you were tied to the wall. How did you have any choices?"

"I went there of my own free will."

"Oh, come off it, Sean. You thought you were going to a biker bar, then you thought you were just going to play around with a little whips and chains action. There's a big difference between that and what you went through." Christian moved away and reached into the shower stall to start the water. "The shower'll relax you," he said.

"I don't want to relax. I want to run your lab work again and start working on matching you up to a clinical trial."

"It's not even lunchtime yet. Clean up, take another Vicodin and get some rest. I'm not going anywhere, Sean. You can run as much lab work and read my files and ask me anything you want, later. I'm not talking as your friend now. I'm talking as your doctor. Take it easy for a few hours."

"I feel like I need to do something, not just sit and dwell on this."

"I'll be here with you. I went to the office and cleared our schedule for today."

"Okay, thanks." Sean finally gave in, having to admit if only to himself that he was tired, and in pain, and another painkiller and a nap did sound good.

"I'll do your back again when you're done in the shower."

"You don't have to do that. I'll be okay."

"I want to help."

Sean didn't argue with him. He stepped into the shower and let the water run over him, scrubbing his body with soap, the rational part of his mind realizing that he was suffering the classic sensation of trying to scrub imaginary dirt off himself. The water burned a few of the worst welts on his back. He looked at the raw skin on his wrists, and shuddered at the memory of how he'd panicked and tried to free himself from the leather cuffs that held him in place. He was shaking all over, remembering every painful, humiliating moment he'd been through. His shoulders and arms ached, and the warm water did feel good on those tense muscles.

He shampooed his hair and rinsed it, then turned off the water. He was surprised when Christian appeared to help him dry his back.

"There was almost no blood in your underwear, so you're on the mend," Christian said, trying to keep his voice casual and upbeat. "Sorry," he said, when Sean flinched under the pressure of the towel on his marred skin.

"It's okay. It hurts a lot less than if I tried to do it myself."

"You finish up in here. I put some clean stuff on the counter for you. Do you want anything to eat?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks," Sean said, managing a little smile. Christian left him to finish drying off and put on the clean boxers and pajama pants he'd left on the counter for him. Somehow, Christian knew he felt cold and the pants would keep his legs warmer.

When he entered the bedroom, Christian handed him a Vicodin and a glass of water. After he took the pill, Sean sat on the bed and tried to keep still, even though he felt himself trembling. Christian gently applied the ointment to the welts again, and helped him carefully pull a t-shirt into place. He got into bed, and Christian covered him.

"I can stay a while if you want," Christian offered.

"I'd like that."

Christian sat on the side of the bed, and Sean was surprised when Christian took one of his hands in both of his. "It's normal to feel shaky. Just hang onto me."

"Thanks." Christian's hands did feel warm and strong and good around his own, and he held onto him like a lifeline. "How did you do this alone?" Sean asked, fighting the effects of the medication. As much as he was embarrassed by what he'd been through, and didn't really want to share it with anyone, he'd needed Christian's caring and support, not to mention his medical attention. He hated thinking of Christian feeling like he was feeling now, and being alone with it.

"You have to remember, Sean, that Quentin wasn't the first," Christian said, and it sounded like it was hard to say, judging by the sound of his voice. "It's not that it gets easier to be...violated. Maybe it's just familiar, and it's something you get used to hiding from the rest of the world." He squeezed Sean's hand. "I'm glad you called me."

"Me, too," Sean said, wishing he could think of the right thing to say to Christian, or even to stay awake long enough to say it, but he finally gave in to the sleepiness and let it claim him.

********

The doorbell rang, and Christian hurried to answer it before it rang again. Teddy stood on the other side of it, looking more than a little perplexed. She strode through the door without waiting for an invitation.

"Is Sean here? I've been calling him all day," she complained.

"He's not feeling well. He's asleep, so keep your voice down."

"I was worried. He left our date last night and I couldn't find him." She started toward Sean's room, but Christian caught her by the arm. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked, pulling her arm away.

"I said he was asleep. He's under doctor's orders to get some rest this morning."

"You being his doctor, I suppose?"

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"I need to talk to Sean." She started toward the room again, and again, Christian grabbed her arm and this time, his pull was stronger.

"No, you don't. You finally pushed this a little too far."

"I don't know what Sean told you," she said, yanking her arm away, "but anything that happened was consensual. He knew what we were doing. What exactly did he say happened?"

"Let's just say that he needed medical attention because of your little game last night."

"Did he tell you we went to an S&M club?"

"He told me."

"He was with an experienced dominatrix, and she knew it was his first time there. Whatever you might think about the S&M scene, Dragons is a reputable club in the community, and I've been there several times. If he got hurt, he asked her to do something other than what she would have done on her own."

"So it's his fault. Nobody would ask to go through what he went through, Teddy. You might not be the one in the five-inch stilettos and face mask, but there's no question who the real dominatrix is here. You never wanted Sean for who he was. Only for how much you could change him. It's all a game to you, to see how far he'll go to please you."

"Sean is a lot more adventurous than you give him credit for. He just needs to open himself up to life, experience it fully. All I've done is give him some opportunities he wouldn't have had on his own."

"If he wants to call you, that's his business. But as far as I'm concerned, you're not welcome here." He opened the door and waited for her to leave. "If you have any belongings left at the practice, pick them up today, and don't plan on coming back."

"Sean hired me."

"And I'm firing you. We're partners, and if you think he's going to override me for your sake, guess again."

"You know, I think that's what this is all about. You aren't upset about how I treat Sean, or even that he got hurt. Someone's on your turf, and you don't like it."

"That's bullshit. I'm getting married in a few weeks."

"Good luck with that. I hope the three of you are very happy together." With that, she left, and Christian shut the door behind her, resisting the temptation to slam it, since he didn't want to disturb Sean. His partner was sleeping deeply now that he'd finally gone to sleep, and the rest would do him good, both for healing and for clearing the sedatives out of his system.

It occurred to Christian as he poured himself a cup of coffee that Teddy had never asked how Sean was, or if he was badly hurt. That thought raised his anger to a new level, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Sean would never want to go through the humiliation of pressing charges or suing the club for his injuries, and it was equally unlikely he'd want to confide all of it to Teddy.

Before he could sit down with the morning paper, the doorbell rang again. Frowning, he set his coffee on the table and answered it, finding an attractive middle-aged blonde woman on the other side of it, dressed in a fashionable business suit and heels.

"I'm Linda Simmons from Transitions Realty. You must be Dr. Troy," she said, holding out her hand. He shook it, still puzzled.

"We're not selling the house," he said.

"Oh, no, of course not," she said, smiling. "I'm so sorry - - I should have explained myself right away. I'm here to pick up Dr. McNamara to show him some properties. He mentioned his partner was getting married and he'd be moving soon. Congratulations, by the way."

"Thank you. Actually, Dr. McNamara isn't feeling well, so you'll have to reschedule your appointment with him."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it isn't serious?"

"He'll be fine. He's just not up and about today," Christian said.

"Well, I'm sure he has my card, but give him this anyway so he has it handy. Tell him to get well soon and just give me a call to reschedule when he feels up to it."

Christian glanced at the business card she'd handed him, then smiled at her. "Thank you. I'll give him the message."

"This is a lovely home you have here, Dr. Troy, and the location is prime. If you ever decide to sell, I hope you'll keep me in mind. I'll get you top dollar for it."

"I'm sure if Sean trusts you with his real estate needs, I could as well. I'll ask him to call you when he's feeling better."

"Thank you very much. Have a good day, now," she said, turning and heading back to her car.

Christian closed the door, still looking at the card in his hand. Sean hadn't mentioned moving out, but now that Christian thought about it, it was a logical assumption on Sean's part that he wouldn't be welcome once Christian and Liz were married. Or more accurately, that it wouldn't be appropriate for him to assume he was staying on as some kind of third wheel on a married couple. Christian should have expected marrying Liz would break up the little family unit he'd built with Sean, Wilbur, Matt, and himself. His new family would be with Liz and Wilbur now. Sean would be his best friend and partner, but not his housemate. He wasn't sure what Matt's plans were, but he suspected Matt was keeping quiet and hoping he was still a welcome resident, or that Sean had assured him he could go with him to his new place.

He wasn't sure why the thought of Sean moving out came as such a surprise, or caused him such sadness. After all, being married and having a 'real family' was what he'd always wanted. Now he'd have that - - a wife and a son and a home of their own.

Taking a drink of his coffee, Christian went out on the patio and stretched out on the double lounge chair. He couldn't count the number of times he and Sean had sat there together, passing pieces of the newspaper back and forth, or just sharing a nightcap and talking about their day, or having Wilbur jump in the middle of it between them and show them a favorite book he wanted read to him. There was a whole patio full of furniture, but the only place Christian wanted to be was on his half of the double lounger with Sean. Right now, that half looked empty, and somehow he didn't want to see Liz there, as much as he cared for her. That was Sean's spot. He was beginning to wonder if Sean's spot didn't encompass all the important room in his life. Faith Wolper was nuts, but maybe she wasn't wrong.

Tossing the newspaper aside, disinterested in it now, he closed his eyes. He'd sat out here sometimes during the chemo, when he felt too lousy to do anything else. The fresh air and sunshine helped a little. Now, he felt good. He felt strong. That goddamned diagnosis had come out of nowhere and hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn't fair. He'd done the chemo, had the surgery, his scar was nearly invisible now, and he was ready to get on with his life.

Wasn't that what marrying Liz was all about? Getting on with life? Getting married, playing house with a wife and child until he ran out of time? Sean was doing his part, looking for another place, preparing to get out of the way so Christian could live out his final months with Liz and Wilbur.

"Shit," Christian muttered, suddenly feeling like he'd caught on to a very major revelation way too late in the game.

********

The next time Sean woke, he felt much better. The pain was still there, but it was a bit duller, and even the rawness on his back didn't seem as bad as it had earlier. His arms and shoulders still ached, but that would work itself out in time. It was almost five o'clock, and while he didn't have much appetite, his stomach felt empty and he felt light-headed. He didn't each much when he was at dinner with Teddy, so it had been a good twenty-four hours since he'd eaten anything substantial.

He went into the bathroom and relieved himself, then shaved, since he hadn't done that earlier. He dressed in a comfortable pair of khakis and an old blue shirt he threw on over his t-shirt. He put on a pair of clean socks and didn't bother with shoes, since he had no plans to leave the house anyway. If he moved quickly, he could make himself something and then go back to his room so Christian and Liz could have some time together over dinner.

As he walked toward the kitchen, he heard a familiar voice.

"Uncle Sean!" Wilbur ran up to him, waving a piece of paper sporting a wide array of colors. Not caring if it put some strain on protesting muscles, Sean picked the little boy up and hugged him, realizing once Wilbur's full weight was in his arms that he was playing Russian roulette with his stitches. He found he didn't care - - Wilbur's enthusiasm at seeing him was good medicine, both for what ailed him now and for the emptiness he often felt without his own children near him.

"What's this?" he asked as Wilbur handed him the picture. It was a badly deformed happy face with a childish attempt at 'Get Well Soon' scrawled on the bottom. At least, that was Sean's best guess, anyway, based on his experience decrypting small child hieroglyphics. "Wow, what a great get well card. I feel better already."

"Auntie Liz said you weren't feeling good, so we made you a picture."

"That was nice of you guys to do that. Come on, let's pick a spot in my room where we can put it up, and then I'll see it when I get up in the morning and it'll keep me cheered up."

"Okay," Wilbur replied happily as Sean put him back on his feet, and he headed for Sean's room. He put the picture against the lamp on Sean's night stand. "There."

"Looks like a great spot. Is your Auntie Liz still here?"

"She's in my room."

"Okay, kiddo, I need to talk to her for a few minutes. Where's Lipo?"

"He's on the patio." With that, Wilbur headed for the patio, apparently taking the question as permission to go outside and play. Sean went down the hall to find Liz, who was just coming out of Wilbur's room.

"It's amazing the mess that's generated with one get well picture," she said, smiling. "How are you feeling, Sean?"

"Better, thanks. You talked with Christian obviously?"

"No, I haven't seen him today. He left a note at the office that you weren't feeling well and wouldn't be in, and that he had some business to take care of. It was all pretty cryptic, actually."

"He's not here?" Sean asked , surprised.

"I picked Wilbur up at school and came home, and there was no sign of him. Your door was still closed so I figured you were resting. Now I'm getting worried. You haven't seen him either?"

"I saw him just before noon. He came home to check on me. I've been asleep ever since."

"You look a little pale, but no too bad. Are you running a fever or anything?"

"No, I think I just...got into something bad last night," he said, which was actually truer than Liz realized, though it had nothing to do with food. "I thought I'd fix myself something before you guys got home so you could have dinner together."

"We don't have any special plans, Sean. You don't have to eat in your room. Just another family dinner where we try to train Lipo not to beg and Christian feeds him anyway."

"If you're sure. I can give you a hand if you're going to fix something."

"Why don't you take it easy and let me handle dinner?"

"Maybe I'll take you up on it. I'll be out on the patio if you change your mind." Sean wasn't feeling all that ready to take on the world just yet, so he was grateful not to have to prepare food for dinner.

"Be careful, that's a kid and dog zone right now."

"I've had quite a few hours of peace and solitude. The distraction'll do me good," he said, heading out to the patio. It wasn't long before he realized that the lounge chair that required him to lean on his back wasn't a good choice. He opted for a chair at the outdoor table, with its thick cushion, and started absentmindedly reading through a few headline stories in the paper, enjoying the comforting sound of Wilbur playing with his dog. It wasn't until then that he remembered his appointment with the realtor at 1:30 that afternoon.

"Christian left you a note in the kitchen," Liz said, coming out on the patio and handing it to him. "There's no hurry about you moving out, you know that, right?" The note was about the realtor's visit, with the card she'd left behind.

"I appreciate that, Liz, but you and Christian should have your household, with Wilbur. You guys are going to be newlyweds after all. I'm going to talk to Matt about moving in with me."

"With a child - - that's a different kind of newlywed. But I am kind of looking forward to being here as Mrs. Troy," she admitted, smiling. "I know you're going to be getting your own place. I just want to be sure you have time to find one you like. All this with Christian and me was kind of sudden, so I didn't want it to put you in a difficult position."

"Thanks. This was just a first appointment to get an overview of what's out there, so I have a better feeling for what I really want. A good sized condo is probably enough. Julia's taken the kids back to New York, so a house is kind of pointless for me to rattle around in. As long as there's room for Matt if he wants to be there, and I have a couple extra bedrooms for when Annie and Conor are here, I'm good."

"It must be hard, being away from them so much."

"I feel like I'm missing their childhood completely. I know I've never exactly been 'Mr. Mom,' but I was looking forward to being part of all of it with Conor this time around, and I was always close to Annie. This distance seems...weird. I'm guilty of borrowing Wilbur a little bit."

"I don't think he minds," she said. "When I said you were sick, the first thing he wanted to do was get you a popsicle, like he had the last time he had a sore throat. When I said I thought that wasn't a good idea since you were resting, he started in on the card project. Don't be surprised if you get a popsicle later."

"I'll look forward to it," Sean replied, chuckling.

"He'll miss you after you move."

"The feeling's mutual. He's a fantastic kid. I'm really glad he came back into Christian's life. I know how much losing Wilbur hurt him."

"Doesn't seem fair, now that he finally has Wilbur back, that he won't..." Liz put her hand over her mouth briefly. "I'm okay," she said before Sean could stand up to comfort her. "I can't let myself think about it too much, or react to it. I hope you'll stay a big part of Wilbur's life after..."

"Of course, I will. I love Wilbur like one of my own kids. And we can't give up hope. It's not over yet, Liz."

"He's not taking any treatment, Sean. You and I both know that it's only a matter of time until his body can't fight it anymore."

"Talk to Christian."

"About what?"

"Just, talk to him. I can't say anymore. It's up to Christian to talk with you, and I know he will."

"Sean, don't be so goddamned cagey. What are you talking about?"

"It's not my place. I shouldn't have said anything - - I just didn't want to see you feeling so hopeless. Just don't give up on him yet."

"Did something change with his oncologist?"

"No, nothing like that. Just talk to him tonight. He'll explain everything."

"You got him to agree to treatment, didn't you? That's what last night was about, when he was sleeping with you?"

"What?" Sean was stunned. He didn't think Liz knew anything about that. And you could hardly call Christian lying down with him for a couple hours, "sleeping with" him.

"When I came over this morning to drop off the groceries, Christian wasn't in his bedroom, but your door was ajar, kind of how you leave it when you're not here. So I tapped on it and opened it, in case Christian was in there - - and he was sleeping in your bed, with you."

"I had a bad night and Christian took care of me. He was tired and I didn't want to be alone, so he stretched out there. Nothing happened, Liz."

"I didn't think it did, really, I just figured something was going on that made you...turn to each other that way."

"We didn't have sex, Liz. He slept on top of the covers to keep me company," Sean said in a hushed voice, though Wilbur had long since taken the dog with him and retreated to his room to play, away from the boring adult conversation.

"I didn't imply you had sex. I didn't think that."

"But you were obviously uneasy with what you saw. I just want you to know that nothing happened."

"Okay. I trust you, Sean. I didn't think you were trying to steal my fiance," she said, trying for humor, but it fell a bit flat. It was obvious that Liz was uncomfortable with what she's stumbled in on, no matter how sexless it was.

"What's going on?" Christian's voice startled them from behind. "What is this about?" he asked, a confused smile on his face.

"Liz saw us in bed together this morning, and I wanted to be sure she understood you were just being there for me because I had a bad night."

"Why would you think anything else of it?" he asked Liz, who looked distinctly uneasy.

"I didn't. Sean was just being a gentleman and reassuring me."

"I'm not going to explain and justify my relationship with Sean to you or anyone else. I never have, and I never will."

"Christian, there's no problem here, so we don't need to argue about it," Sean said, trying to derail the argument he saw escalating. "I won't even be living here that much longer, and things will be a lot easier for you guys when you can concentrate on your own relationship in your own home."

"You're welcome here as long as you want to be here, Sean," Christian said.

"Liz just said that to me, that I didn't need to rush it. This is why a third person stuck in the middle of a couple isn't a good idea. I don't want you two arguing about me."

"Christian, I need to know. Are you going to pursue treatment of some kind? Sean won't tell me, and I need to know."

"I told Sean to go ahead and go over my records and try to match me up with something experimental, cutting edge - - I don't want to bother with the usual course of bone-eating chemo that'll just make me an invalid the last few months of my life."

"You didn't think this was something we should talk about together?"

"It would have been tonight."

"It's my fault, Christian. Liz was feeling bad about your illness and I couldn't help trying to reassure her a little, but I didn't want to tell her anything until you'd had a chance, so I ended up kind of sticking my foot in my mouth." Sean stood. "I think I'll go out for a while."

"You sure you feel up to that?" Christian asked, touching Sean's shoulder.

"Just around the corner to that chicken place. You want me to bring back take out?"

"No, thanks, we're good," Christian said.

"I can take Wilbur. He likes their kids meals."

"That might be a good idea. Liz and I need to talk." Christian's tone was troubling. "Don't pick him up, Sean," he warned.

"Too late," Sean said, smiling a little. "I won't do it again," he added. Sean collected Wilbur, stuck some old shoes on his feet, and headed out for the restaurant.

********

"We need to talk, Lizzie," Christian said, his tone considerably softer than it was when they were arguing.

"Why did you tell Sean not to pick up Wilbur? I thought he just ate some bad food."

"In case it's the flu," Christian said, knowing it sounded lame. "He's probably fine but you know how easily kids catch things." Liz seemed to accept that, but probably only because she had something bigger on her mind.

"I'm so glad you're thinking about starting treatment. You're healthy and strong, Christian. You're a prime candidate to beat this thing if you're willing to fight it. To fight for us, and our future."

"Let's sit down," he said, steering her into the living room. They sat on a couch. "I need to call off the wedding."

"I thought you wanted to get married right away, in case... I went through chemo with you, Christian. I'll go through whatever type of treatment you and Sean find - - "

"I know you would. Next to Sean, you're the best friend I ever had. You don't deserve this."

"If you mean the cancer, you don't deserve it either, but I love you, Christian, and we'll make it through this somehow. I want to take that journey with you."

"I know, and I love you for that. But I just don't love you the way I should love you for us to get married. I've been trying to outrun death, to cheat it somehow by managing to cram a lifetime into a few months. I thought getting married was the way to do that, but it's not. I have a home and a family, and I came to the realization that I've been ignoring that because it's not a traditional family. I've been driving around all day trying to figure out what to do, what was the right thing to do. I can't marry you, Liz."

"What? Why not? What changed between last night and this morning? What really happened between you and Sean?"

"I realized that I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him this way - - dying and leaving him alone. And then I realized that I didn't want him to move out, that Sean and Wilbur already are my family. And you are, too, Lizzie, but like my sister, my good friend. You deserve to marry someone - - a man or a woman - - who feels passionately about you. Who wants you, who's excited to marry you and start a life together. Not someone who's using you to take a shot at marriage before the grim reaper shows up."

"Why did you fly all the way to Miami to drag me back here just so you could dump me again?" she asked, her eyes filling. "I was moving on with my life, you asshole," she said, her voice broken.

"I know, and I feel awful about that. I really do. I was wrong to do it, and I hope you'll forgive me."

"Fine." She pulled off the engagement ring and set it on the coffee table. "Maybe you can give this to Sean instead." She stood up an stormed toward the door.

"You can keep the ring, Lizzie. Look, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," he protested, following her to the door.

"Well, guess what?" she retorted angrily.

"I know you're angry and I don't blame you. I just hoped we could overcome this. That our friendship would survive it."

"When I saw you with Sean this morning, I realized that you two share an intimacy that I've never had with you. Not when you were puking your guts out, not when we had sex, not even when you proposed to me. I want to feel that with someone, and I thought it was with you."

"If you're jealous of what I have with Sean then it's probably best we're breaking it off now."

"I don't know if you've had sex with Sean, but you've certainly made love to him a lot more often than you have to me," she shouted, tears spilling from her eyes.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you could screw me a hundred times in the dark and never look at me across the breakfast table the way you look at him every single time he's in the room! I was a fool to ever think I could come between that." With that, she stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.

You've certainly made love to him a lot more often than you have to me.

If making love was about holding someone close and realizing they were your everything, all the while keeping your dick in your pants, then maybe Liz was right. Christian picked up the ring and took it into his bedroom, sticking it in his top dresser drawer for now. He felt like a world class asshole, knowing that breaking it off with Liz was a hurtful, selfish thing to do. At the same time, marrying her would have been worse for everyone involved.

He sighed when he thought of the custody agreement he'd drawn up, making her Wilbur's guardian in the event of his death. She'd be a good mother to Wilbur, and she wouldn't curse him with any residual bitterness she felt toward Christian. She'd always dreamed of a child, and maybe she and Wilbur would be a good fit. After all, if Sean were left alone, Wilbur would be raised by a nanny because his schedule would demand it. Even if Christian left him insurance and assets that would support them for life, Sean was too driven to sit at home and fingerpaint with a child. He'd throw himself into his work if Christian did die. Maybe in Los Angeles, maybe somewhere else. Maybe in New York, near his own children. But it would be hard for him to take on responsibility for Wilbur. And unless he had real doubts about her fitness as a mother, he couldn't hurt Liz that way, by trying to change the custody arrangement. At least, not now.

It wasn't much longer before he heard the front door, and Sean's and Wilbur's voices as they came in from dinner. Christian walked out to the living room and laughed when he saw Wilbur struggling to carry a full bag of take out.

"We brought you a doggy bag, Daddy," he said, holding it up proudly.

"You did, huh?" He picked Wilbur up and opened the top of the bag with his free hand. "Smells good."

"Uncle Sean and I went for ice cream," he said.

"Really? I thought Uncle Sean was opposed to trans fats." Sean held up the cup with his own frozen treat in it that said 'Yogurt Express' on it. Apparently he'd discovered the word 'yogurt' was a fatal label to apply to the treat with Wilbur. If it was called ice cream, it was ice cream.

"I got a large. There's half of it left if you want it," Sean said, setting it on the table as Christian put Wilbur down and opened his bag of food.

"What flavor is it? You didn't get nuts in it again, did you?"

"It's chocolate, no nuts. I had her put the strawberries on the bottom, just the way you like it."

"You're sure you don't want the rest of it?"

"I'm full. Go for it. Where's Liz?" Sean asked quietly as Wilbur started playing with the dog as soon as it came out to greet him.

"I broke it off with her. She left."

"What? Why?"

"We'll talk about it later," he said, inclining his head toward Wilbur. "I guess you won't be needing that realtor after all," he added.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, I'm sure about it." He unpacked the take out meal and opened the lid, happy to see the four-piece chicken dinner inside. "How'd you know to bring this?"

"I had a feeling the way things were going that you were going to be eating alone," Sean said, just as Wilbur decided to climb up on his lap while he sat at the table with Christian. The extra weight made him wince a little, and Christian noticed it.

"Is he okay there?" Christian asked quietly, and Sean nodded. Lipo sat near the group, wagging his tail, watching Christian eat his chicken.

"You need to start training that dog not to beg at the table," Sean said as Christian fed it a bite of chicken.

"If all you ate was kibble and someone had chicken, wouldn't you beg?"

"You have a point there," Sean replied, smiling.

"Where's Auntie Liz?" Wilbur asked.

"She had to go home, but you'll be seeing her again soon," Christian replied, not sure how that would be facilitated given Liz's present state of mind where he was concerned. "This is really good. Thanks for bringing it," Christian said, looking at Sean. He wondered if he was looking at him the way Liz said he looked at him. He wanted Sean to see the love in his eyes. Maybe it would keep him from ever leaving their home.

"You're welcome." Sean gave him an answering look that reflected exactly what Christian was feeling. The implications of all of it were a little scary, but so was dying without finding what you were looking for. At the risk of sounding like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, tapping the heels of his ruby slippers together, Christian had the unsettling feeling he'd been on a lifelong quest for something that was in his own backyard all along.

********

"Wilbur down for the count?" Sean asked. He was lying on the couch, a couple pillows under his head. The position was easier on any of the painful areas of his body than sitting all evening.

"Yeah, out like a light. He had fun going out to dinner with you tonight. He said he was glad Uncle Sean was feeling better."

"The waitress got him a balloon, made a big fuss over him. He's a great kid. Thanks for letting me borrow him once in a while." Sean paused. "Do you want to talk about what happened with Liz?"

"I spent all day driving around, trying to figure out the right thing to do. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm sure now what it isn't. It's not that I don't love her or don't appreciate the way she's stuck by me, and all she's willing to do for me, and for Wilbur. I just don't love her the way I should to marry her. I finally asked myself if I find out I'm going to live, who do I want to be with? It wasn't Liz. Not that way. I hope she can forgive me someday. I'd miss not having her in my life."

"I think she will, Christian. She loved you enough to agree to marry you, even though she's a lesbian, so I think she'll love you enough to forgive you eventually. Give her some time."

"Of all the asshole things I've done, this has got to rank right up there."

"You were scared, Christian. Facing your own mortality isn't easy, and I haven't exactly been there for you lately."

"You're always there, Sean. I should have just been more aggressive about cutting in on your time with Teddy."

"We know how well that ended," Sean said. "I've gotten a new batch of angry voicemails from her. I know I should call and end it. I don't want to talk to her about last night."

"She knows a little bit about it, but no details. She was here while you were sleeping earlier."

"What did you tell her?"

"That you had injuries that required treatment, but that was all I said. She barely asked if you were all right, she was so busy defending the bitch who did it to you. I told her to get any of her stuff she might have left at the office and not to plan on coming back. I really hope you're done with her, Sean."

"I am. I learned my lesson."

"I'm not sad to see you break up with Teddy, but I'm sorry to see you get hurt."

"I brought it on myself. Who am I kidding? I am an uptight prude, and I always will be."

"That's bullshit. You just need to be with someone who loves you for who you are, not for who they can make you into."

"That'd be nice," Sean said, more to himself than to Christian. He was tired, more tired than usual, but he figured the medication was probably still working its way out of his system. The pain was worse without the Vicodin, but he preferred the clarity of not taking it now that he was getting more accustomed to the discomfort.

"Hey," Matt said as he came in the front door, locking it behind him. "You okay, Dad? You don't look so hot," he said, pausing in the living room.

"I just got into something bad last night," Sean said, figuring it was as good an explanation as any.

"I had classes earlier, but I was just running errands and shit. You could've called me if you needed something."

"Thanks, Matt," Sean said, smiling at his son. "Christian's been keeping an eye on me."

"Okay. I'm gonna turn in. Uh, Dad, I'm registering for summer classes tomorrow. Is it okay if I sign up for drama classes instead of biology and chemistry that I'm going to flunk out of?"

"Drama classes?" Christian repeated. "Congratulations, Matty, you found the one course at community college that won't lead to any useful vocation."

"I told you Matt was interested in acting," Sean said. "I'll make a deal with you," Sean said, and Matt looked unhappy already, but listened. "Re-take the biology class you failed and you can sign up for whatever else you want. My wallet's on the dresser in my room. Just take my Visa and register for what you need and get your books."

"Okay. Thanks, Dad." Matt went into Sean's room and emerged a few seconds later with the credit card in his hand, heading for his own room. "Are you feeling better tonight?" he stopped by the back of the couch.

"Yeah, just tired. Everything's okay."

"Okay. Well, goodnight, you guys. See you tomorrow." After they heard Matt's door close, Christian looked at Sean, nonplused.

"You're spoiling him, Sean. It's time to kick the little bird's ass out of the nest."

"He's not on meth, he's not in a cult religion, and he's not married to a porn star. We're farther ahead than we were before. Besides, if I kick him out, he'll never get his life together, and Kimber and Ram will be raising our granddaughter permanently. I'm not comfortable with that, and the only way to fight Kimber is to put Matt together."

"Good luck with that. I don't like Jenna's situation either, but if you want her out of there, you'll have to sue for custody yourself, because Matt's not a winning candidate in the eyes of a judge."

"Maybe we should try for custody together."

"I may not be here that much longer, Sean. A grandfather with terminal cancer isn't much better than a father with no job and a former meth addiction. I might not be here for the custody hearings."

"Don't say that, Christian."

"Why not? It's true. I think you set Kimber straight on the collagen issue, and Jenna's little yet. She's not being abused or neglected. She's too young to know what kind of kinky shit is going on with Kimber and Ram. Let's just concentrate on getting through the next few months, and we'll talk more about Jenna. Maybe in the meantime we can get more visitations in our own right - - we can actually use my condition for that."

"It would give us a chance to be sure Kimber's not shooting her up with anything."

"We'll talk more about it tomorrow. If you want, I can do your back again before you turn in."

"I think it'll be okay."

"It'll feel better if I put the ointment on it. How's the pain?"

"How many times since you've known me have you seen me lie down on the couch all evening?"

"Point taken. Are you bleeding at all?"

"I'm a doctor, too, remember? I can look after myself."

"Right now, I'm your doctor. You can't take care of your own back, and you had repair work done last night."

"I'm sorry. It's just...hard." Sean sighed. "I'm not bleeding. The pain's just...bad."

"You had a couple large tears I sutured," Christian explained. "You were so bruised and swollen," Christian said, his eyes filling. "Having the repair work done probably made it hurt worse," he added, wiping at his eyes.

"You couldn't help that, Christian. You took good care of me." Sean sat up on the couch, stifling a little grunt. "Anything you did, you did to repair the damage that was already done." He reached out and squeezed Christian's hand. "Does the offer still stand to give me a hand with my back? The ointment helps. It doesn't burn as much."

"Sure," Christian said, smiling and returning the pressure on Sean's hand. Let's take care of it and then we should probably turn in. My doctor wants to run a bunch of lab work on me in the morning," he said, and Sean smiled.

They went into Sean's bedroom, and Sean took off his shirt and t-shirt, tossing them on a chair. The marks still looked angry, but not as bad as they had at first. He toed off his shoes and took off his pants, laying them on the same chair. Sean sat carefully on the edge of the bed, averting his eyes when Christian sat next to him. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of, Sean. You were assaulted. This went way beyond a game that should have been played with a beginner. The whipping alone was no light bondage play."

"When she couldn't break me with a light whipping, she got more forceful. I should have thought of that. I was in tears before she finished. I was trying to stay strong, and I guess since her point was to bring my emotions to the surface, I should have just let it go before that, let her see me cry."

"I'm so sorry, Sean." Christian put his arm carefully around Sean's shoulders. "I'll do your back," he said, when it was obvious that Sean wasn't going to say anything else, and wasn't going to have eye contact with him.

Christian knew that kind of shame only too well. He just wished he could say something to Sean to make it better, the way Sean had comforted him that day all those years ago in the back of the church, when he'd finally confided to someone for the first time in his life what kind of depravity he'd lived through as a child. Sean didn't condemn him; he somehow made him realize that even though he'd accepted money and gifts from that old predator, Troy, it didn't make him a male whore. It just made him a victim.

He carefully rubbed the ointment on the welts, relieved that a little of the swelling had gone down, and there were no major breaks in the skin that required suturing. There were a few minor lacerations, but they'd heal nicely on their own. The scars from Colleen's knife were still there, beneath the network of red marks, and it occurred to Christian that his friend had been through a lot in the last several months.

"Any lingering pain in your back from these?" he asked, briefly touching one of the scars where the knife had gone in way too close to Sean's heart for his comfort.

"Sometimes, not much."

"That's good. Almost done."

"It feels better. Thanks."

"About the rest of it...I know it hurts like a son of a bitch, but it'll be okay. You'll feel a lot better in a few days."

"I don't deserve your sympathy. You were really victimized. I was just stupid," Sean said, his voice breaking.

"I thought we settled this earlier." Christian got him a clean t-shirt which Sean pulled over his head. He sat next to Sean and rubbed his shoulder gently. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I asked for it, all right?" Sean shouted. "I asked her to stick that thing up my ass, so I got what I deserved!"

"What?" Christian looked completely stunned.

"I told her my partner had a ten-inch dick," Sean admitted, turning away from Christian.

"What? Why?" Christian watched Sean for a moment.

"Figure it out."

"I'd rather you told me," Christian said.

"I can't."

"You're most of the way there, Sean. What did my dick have to do with what that woman did to you?"

"It was the only way I could find out if I could take a ten-inch dick up my ass," Sean said, his head hung low. Christian knew only too well that putting this into words had to feel like being violated all over again.

"There was another way," Christian said gently, waiting until Sean looked at him. He leaned closer, pressing his lips against Sean's. The surprise of it froze Sean momentarily, and then he opened his mouth, and Christian felt his tongue moving against Sean's...and everything fell into place in a way it never had before. When the kiss ended, Sean opened his mouth to speak. "Don't say anything," Christian interrupted, then kissed him again.

"I wanted to know if I could make love with you that way, and now I know I can't."

"You think that sick shit you went through has anything to do with how I'd treat you in bed?"

"I needed to know before I started anything if I could finish it. If I could handle it. Now I know I can't, so what's the point? It doesn't matter how much I love you - - if I can't be with you that way then we've gone as far as we can go."

"So I might as well just give up and die because there's nothing more we can have if you can't stand having some giant plastic dick crammed up your ass while you're chained to a wall? Because everyone knows that Christian's so goddamned shallow he couldn't possibly want anything more out of lovemaking that just jamming his dick in something and pumping away."

"That's not what I meant."

"I hate to break this to you, Sean, but we've been making love to each other for over twenty years. Liz was right, much as I hate to give her credit."

"About what?"

"She told me that she didn't know if we'd ever had sex, but that I'd made love to you dozens of times...just in the way I look at you. That I never look at her that way, no matter how many times I have sex with her in the dark. I was pissed off at first when she said it, but she's right." He ran his hand gently over Sean's hair, then kissed his cheek where a tear was making its way down his face. "Did you think if we went to bed that all it would be about was me screwing you into the mattress?"

"I don't know," he admitted, looking away. "I don't know what I was thinking," he said, his voice breaking. "It was stupid. I was stupid. It's not about you, or what you'd do or not do. It's about me. I knew I'd be too uptight to handle it and I had to know for sure, because I didn't want to destroy the one and only chance I might have to be with you that way. You were engaged, and I didn't want to break that up for you, but I thought maybe we could have one time before - -"

"Before I died?" Christian asked, his voice rough.

"I was going to say 'got married.'"

"Same thing," Christian quipped, and Sean couldn't believe they were actually sharing a watery laugh together, as much difficult stuff as they were trying to navigate. "You need to understand one thing. I love you, Sean. If we expressed that physically, the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you. I know you've never been with anybody that way, and if you offered that to me, I'd cut off my dick before I'd tear you up like this."

"I don't know if I can stand the pain of having anything stuck up there. It hurts just sitting here."

"If we ever do it that way, it'll be long after you're healed up and I'll treat you so good you won't be afraid of it. Unless what we're doing feels good to both of us, it's not going to happen."

"You'd still want me that way after what happened?"

"You got into a situation you weren't prepared for, and then you made a mistake. Do you think that erases twenty-five years of loving each other? If there's another facet of us that we haven't explored yet, I don't want to risk not exploring that. Because I think being with you that way might just be the piece of me that's missing. And if it is, I'm only going to find it with you."

"What could we explore?"

"You know as well as I do there are a lot of ways to make love besides the obvious."

"I can't do it, Christian. I already know that I'm no good at it."

"Oh, bullshit. You were brutalized with some object, and from my exam last night, it didn't look like she'd used much lubrication. Not enough for a beginner who should have been held and made love to and relaxed and taken care of." Christian took one of Sean's hands in his. "Do you want to try us that way?"

"I ruined any chances of being able to give myself to you that way."

"And I might be dying, Sean. Even if I don't, the next several months could be all about side effects, hair loss, incontinence, vomiting, and maybe even impotence, depending on what kind of treatment I end up trying. I don't know what I can offer you, either."

"You could offer me you," Sean said, looking into Christian's eyes with all the love he felt. No matter how twisted the road was that was getting them here, they were on the edge of something too precious to lose.

"You've got me if you want me."

"You're not going to die, Christian. I won't let you go."

"You won't, huh?" Christian said, smiling.

"We've spent twenty-five years getting here. We deserve at least that long to enjoy it."

They kissed again, having found one expression of their new feelings that didn't require anything too taxing from either one of them. Christian stripped down to his briefs, and they climbed into bed, turning on their sides to face each other. They moved into each other's arms, Christian always mindful of not putting pressure on any of Sean's painful areas. A long while later, they dozed off, faces just inches apart on a pillow, sharing the same breath.

********

Christian woke to the sound of the shower in Sean's bathroom. He looked at the clock, groaning when he saw it was only a little after six. He had to smile as he rolled onto his back and worked at waking up fully. Today was lab test day, the day to get started on fighting the enemy that threatened to take their future away. Sean was up and at 'em and preparing for battle.

He got out of bed and rubbed a hand over his face, blinking a few times. It was just as well that he rise and shine, since Wilbur's nanny would be arriving by seven. She had her own key, and she was a discreet woman who could ignore whatever - - or whomever - - she happened to see wandering in and out of bedrooms in the morning. Matt probably wasn't even up yet - - his idea of morning was anything before noon. Still, Christian wanted a little privacy for this new relationship with Sean. It felt as if they needed time to nurture it a little before the whole world started coming down on them for it.

Sean was out of the shower, towel around his waist, standing in front of the bathroom mirror when Christian came up behind him, sliding his arms around him, careful not to put too much friction on his back.

"You smell good." He nuzzled Sean's damp neck, taking in the trace scent of shampoo and soap mixed with the clean scent of his partner.

"Good morning," Sean responded, smiling at the attention. Christian could have sworn he blushed a little at the compliment.

"Your back looks better," he said, moving back enough to look at it. The red marks were still there, a bit angry from the shower, but they looked less painful and the swelling from the welts was greatly reduced. On an impulse, Christian started kissing along one of the lines, his hand running lightly up and down Sean's chest while he did it. He smiled at Sean's little gasp, and the way his head tilted back as he enjoyed the moment.

Taking his time, Christian's lips followed several of the most inflamed marks on Sean's skin, wanting to comfort him on this very primal level, as if the love he put into the kisses could somehow erase the pain of what Sean had been through. Sean turned in his arms and they kissed, Christian's hand straying down to Sean's towel, pulling it off and letting it fall. He could feel Sean's body tense a little.

"I'm not going to touch you where it hurts," he whispered against Sean's mouth. "Trust me, sweetheart," he said, his hand wrapping around Sean's cock, pumping slowly, feeling it harden under his touch.

Sean's hand went down to the bulge in Christian's briefs, brushing over it with a maddening lightness, until Christian gave him the little nudge he needed.

"Reach in and help yourself," he said with a smile in his voice. Sean didn't need a second invitation. He freed Christian's cock from his briefs and returned the hand job he was enjoying. As close as they were, they'd never jerked each other off, or jerked off together, and now Christian was wondering why they had missed out all these years. Sean's hand felt great doing what it was doing, and his own hand felt way too right closed around Sean's cock, almost as right as his mouth felt with Sean's tongue inside it.

It wasn't long before they came, one closely following the other, abandoning their spent cocks and concentrating on holding each other, kissing passionately in the sated aftermath.

"Take another shower with me?" Christian asked, and Sean grinned, nodding.

They took their time soaping each other's bodies, touching places that had been taboo for their first twenty-five years together. Christian could feel the fight rising up in him, a determination that they'd have more than a few months like this. He put that passion into kissing Sean, running his hands over his slick skin, getting used to the different feeling of a man in his arms and under his hands. But it wasn't just a man. It was Sean. The other half of himself.

"I love you, Christian," Sean said, kissing him possessively, rubbing his body against Christian's, igniting a new erection that seemed to arrive fast on the heels of their first shared climax. If Christian's embrace was too tight on Sean's back, he didn't show any signs of minding it. He clung to Christian just as fiercely, their water-slick erections rubbing together, the burn just slow enough to keep them kissing and caressing and exploring each other under the spray of the water, in no particular hurry for the climax to come. It would have been fine with Christian if this moment lasted forever, if his last breath was a gasp of Sean's name as he came, if he died in Sean's arms feeling Sean's heart pounding against his the way it was now.

It would be even better if that happened when he was eighty years old, rubbing his thin, wrinkly, saggy skin against Sean's bony old body while they humped each other trying to remember what a real erection felt like.

There was nothing bony or wrinkled now, and Christian could feel himself ready to come again, twice in one morning and he hadn't even stuck his dick in anything but Sean's hand, and now, against his cock and balls. Could love really be this strong an aphrodisiac? As he came, his body shuddering with the physical sensations, and Sean was joining him, he had his answer. He had his home. He had his family. He had his place in the world.

When it was over, the loud rushing of the water seemed like an intrusion on something so intimate and so tender. He kissed Sean again, holding him close, wanting him to feel as wanted now as when Christian had a hard-on. His mind raced with some way to express these new feelings, but none of them seemed right for Sean. He couldn't really buy him flashy jewelry, give him a ridiculously expensive trinket, or send him flowers.

"I'm going to live long enough to do this with you when we're too old to enjoy it," he said, hoping that might replace the dozens of roses, carats of diamonds, and wardrobe of designer clothes he'd shower on a woman who made him feel the way Sean had made him feel right now. Judging by the expression on Sean's face, his eyes filled with tears and love like Christian had never seen in anyone's eyes directed at him before, it did.

********

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you refrigerated this stuff and lived off it," Christian quipped as Sean drew another blood sample. "How much do you need to run those labs again?"

"I'm hand-delivering samples to three different labs," he said.

"Isn't that a little over the top?"

"Not when we're talking about your life. I want to be sure the numbers and the results are accurate. If three different labs give me three consistent sets of numbers, then I'm satisfied."

"We do one set of labs on all our patients, Sean."

"You're not a patient. You're my partner," Sean said simply. "The one I'm going to be humping in the shower when I need a rubber tub liner and a grab bar to do it," he added, flashing a little grin at Christian. Christian stared at him, loving the happiness he saw in Sean's face. "What?" Sean asked, grinning, but confused.

"I'm so in love with you right now," Christian said honestly.

"Hold that thought for later. I made reservations for us for dinner, and asked Rita to stay over with Wilbur. I hope that was okay."

"It's better than okay."

"We're celebrating the start of the battle we're going to win to take our future back from the cancer," he said, gesturing with a blood-filled glass tube.

"If you don't finish drawing samples, I'll have to skip dinner for a transfusion."

"I'm done," Sean said, smiling. "Sorry. I know it's a lot."

"I can't deny you anything, honey," Christian said, jokingly, taking Sean's hand and kissing the back of it.

"Asshole," Sean said, laughing as he pulled his hand away.

There was a tap on the door and Linda poked her head in the room. "There's a woman here to see you, Sean. She says it's urgent."

"Did she give you a name?"

"Ramona."

Sean's expression froze momentarily. "Have her wait in my office. I'll be there in a minute," he added as Linda left the room. Then his gaze fell back on Christian, the love Christian had seen earlier shining brightly as ever. He wondered if the whole world could see it as plainly as he did. "We're all set, Christian. What's your morning like?"

"I have a rhinoplasty consult in fifteen minutes, and then I'm doing Mrs. Gomez's boob job at ten."

"Okay. Don't overdo it. If you get tired, don't push yourself. Use the couch in your office and rest. Doctor's orders."

"Who's Ramona?" Christian asked. Sean hesitated a few long seconds before answering.

"Madame Ramona from Dragons."

"The one who..."

"That's the one." Sean sighed. "I don't know why she's here. Teddy told me all this was anonymous, that no one would find out."

"Let me sit in on this with you, okay?" Christian said, resting his hand on Sean's arm.

"Can you keep your cool?"

"No promises. But I'll let you take the lead."

"Fair enough. I'd like it if you were with me."

After Sean had meticulously packaged, labeled, and stored the samples personally, they went to his office to meet with the dominatrix. She stood when they entered, and neither could help noticing what a striking, statuesque blonde she was. At least their age or maybe a bit older, it was apparent she'd had work done to maintain her appearance. To her credit, she was dressed in a conservative cream-colored pantsuit and blouse, with three-inch matching heels. She looked more like a suburban housewife with a little too much make up than a dominatrix from an S&M club.

"This is my partner, Dr. Troy," Sean said, and no sooner had the words left his mouth than he realized he'd told her his partner had a ten-inch dick.

"This might be easier one-on-one," Ramona said, sitting down as they did behind Sean's desk.

"I was under the impression everything that goes on at Dragons is confidential," Sean said. "I didn't think my name or contact information was used."

"I'm sure Theodora told you she's one of our regular guests," Ramona began.

"She told me," Christian said, and Sean looked puzzled.

"She said she'd been there before. She didn't elaborate a whole lot," Sean added.

"I'm not here to do that, either. But I do know her personally, and she said you sought medical attention. Naturally, I was concerned."

"I don't want to talk about this," Sean said. "I'm not going to sue you or press charges, if that's what you're worried about."

"No, actually, it's not. We have security cameras for our own protection in all the private session rooms to avoid that." She reached into her large gold-embellished handbag and pulled out a videocassette. "This is the only copy of your session." She laid the tape on the desk. "I could lose my job for giving you that, but I thought it would give you some peace of mind to have it."

"I didn't even know I was being taped," Sean said, staring at the tape in horror.

"Jesus, lady, ripping up your customers isn't enough for you? You go back and watch it again later and get off?" Christian challenged.

"No. The tapes are periodically destroyed, and they're kept secured in a safe in the manager's office. They're mainly our lawsuit protection."

"You mean blackmail," Sean accused.

"No, I mean just what I said. We keep the tapes for a while to be sure the client doesn't accuse one of our staff of doing something they didn't want done. That can lead to criminal prosecution and lawsuits."

"Why are you here?"

"I've been doing this for over twenty years. I'm good at it. I pride myself in being able to read the needs and desires of my clients. That's what gives me my satisfaction - - knowing I read their signals right and gave them an experience that lived up to, or hopefully exceeded, their expectations. Your signals were badly misread, Dr. McNamara. That's why I asked Theodora for your full name, so I could see you, and apologize. And find out where things went wrong. At Dragons, we've sent some clients home in pain, but it was because they wanted to feel that."

"You're the only person I hear calling her 'Theodora'," Christian said.

"I'm a dominatrix, Dr. Troy. She doesn't like to be called by her full name. My doing so reinforces my position of power. Theodora is good at what she does, but she's very inexperienced compared to me. There is a caste system at play here."

"She's a dominatrix, too? Well, I can't say that surprises me," Christian said. "She sure acts like one."

"I was humiliated enough the other night," Sean said. "I don't need you showing up here and dredging it up again."

"Theodora said you were looking for a way to break through your barriers and have an emotional catharsis. That's often the point of inflicting physical pain, to break you so it gives you an acceptable physical reason to let those feelings out."

"Well, it worked, so I guess you can go back to your dungeon and pat yourself on the back. Or whip yourself there, whatever turns you on," Christian added. "You don't treat a beginner the way you treated Sean. I'm not into the S&M scene myself, but I've met enough people who are to know that what you did was irresponsible, sadistic, and brutal."

"Can I speak freely about our session in front of Dr. Troy?" she asked Sean.

"He knows what happened."

"When you said your partner had a ten-inch dick, it did give the impression you'd had first hand experience with it. That's what you said when the toys were mentioned. Any other client I've ever been with who said something like that was telling me he wanted that kind of toy used, and used vigorously."

"I suppose the blood running out of his ass wasn't a sign that it was more than he could handle?" Christian asked, leaning back in his chair. "Lady, no one could want what you did to him."

"You're not so vanilla and naive to think that's true, Dr. Troy. You're just self-righteous and angry with me because I was in your territory."

"Sean's not my territory, he's my partner. If I had my way, you'd be in handcuffs, and not for a reason you'd enjoy."

"I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted from your experience at Dragons, Dr. McNamara. Obviously, the damage wasn't serious, since you're back to work already. I'm glad to know that."

"I've had enough of this," Sean said. "I've assured you I'm not taking action against you, but if you're looking for exoneration or forgiveness, you came to the wrong place. I may have been unclear in what I said, or maybe I didn't want the same things Teddy thought I wanted, I don't know. But you didn't make much effort to ensure my safety, either. Hopefully this will cause you to be a little more careful with your future clients."

"Truthfully, it will. I'm sorry your signals were misread," she said, standing. "I hope you find whatever it was you were looking for. I'm glad you're not seriously hurt."

"Don't come to my place of business again," Sean said as they both stood.

"Of course not," she said, putting on large sunglasses. "I would suggest the same to you." With that, she turned and headed out of the office.

"She has a hell of a lot of nerve," Christian said, disgusted.

"She's a professional at what she does and she screwed up with me. I know I was sending out some messed up signals," Sean concluded, shrugging. "Maybe I should admire her for following up to find out if I was all right, and how she messed up."

"That's stretching it."

"At least I don't have to worry about this," Sean said, stashing the tape in his desk. "I can't believe they taped it."

"You've got the tape and it's not going anywhere. Take comfort in that. And this." Christian pulled him into an embrace, and Sean returned it, holding on tightly for a few seconds. "It's okay, Sean. It's over and done with. And you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I wish I could believe that," Sean said, pulling back and sitting in his chair again, not bothering to hide the wince of pain that accompanied the movement, now that they were alone.

"Your wrists should still be bandaged." Christian sat down, too, and took one of Sean's hands in his, ostensibly to look at his wrist. "You can't scrub these for surgery today. You've still got an open spot here," Christian said. "Are you operating today?"

"I cancelled my surgeries, so it's not an issue. I'm not focused enough to operate on someone." Sean shook his head. "I'm sorry. Not only do I do something so completely stupid, but also manage to cost us money with it at the same time. Mrs. Fredericks was so angry at her surgery being cancelled that she's going to someone else instead."

"I think we'll still be able to buy groceries without her, Sean." Christian hadn't given up his hold on Sean's hand, and Sean hadn't pulled it away. "You know, there aren't many people in this world who love me so much that they'd suffer what you did just to find out if they could... accommodate me sexually just in case we had an encounter once that might not ever happen, right before I married someone else." Sean was still looking down, and Christian gently guided his chin until they were eye to eye, though Sean looked distinctly uncomfortable looking Christian in the eyes when they talked about what he'd been through at Dragons. "Don't you ever be ashamed to look me in the eyes when we talk about this. What you put yourself though is probably one of the most unselfish things anyone's ever done for me. You were already hurting, you were afraid, and you asked for something you knew would hurt even more - - maybe seriously injure you - - and endured it while it was tearing you up, all because you wanted to know if you could give me what you thought it would take for us to make love one time before the end? And then you were going to step back and be my best man while I married Liz? Shit, Sean, nobody's ever loved me that much. I'm torn between this whole thing making me feel like the most important man on earth, and feeling like a total asshole because you suffered like this over me."

"This isn't your fault, Christian. I did it voluntarily. I suppose the way I told her...about you, made it seem like I was goading her on to hurt me more, worse, than she already had. I just had to know if there was any chance...how bad it would be, if it would be bad at all."

"What she did to you was rape, even if you 'asked for it'. If it wasn't for the embarrassment it would cause you, I'd have called the cops on that crazy bitch when she showed up here today. You don't brutalize someone to the point of drawing blood while you have them tied to a wall and helpless. I know what it feels like to have no control while someone treats you that way, and I don't want you to go through this alone, or to be ashamed to talk to me about it."

"How did you get past it? God knows, I wasn't really there for you. I was so worried about the practice and schedules... Maybe this is some kind of... karmic retribution for being such a prick."

"I moved out to the beach and hung out with Kimber. If I'd asked to stay with you, or you to stay with me, or told you what happened the night of the attack, wouldn't you have been there for me?"

"Of course."

"I handled it the best way I could, and you took my cue and left me alone with it. By the time I was ready to not be so alone with it, you were so busy juggling the practice and doing two surgeons' jobs you didn't have time to break for lunch, let alone counsel me."

"I should have made time. I love you, Christian. Getting you through the aftermath of that whole mess should have been my priority."

"You did the best you could. I saw how tired you were, how stressed out. Julia was divorcing you, you were facing losing the kids. Then I gave you hell about hiring Quentin - - "

"Thanks for reminding me of yet another brilliant move."

"It was brilliant based on what you knew about him. Quentin was a hell of a surgeon, all else aside. He was likable before he started checking you out and fingering my ass."

"You didn't answer me," Sean said. "How did you get over it?"

"I didn't get over it. I got past it, and sex started feeling good again, and eventually it was less and less relevant to my every day life. I'll never forget it, and I'll never get over it, but it's in its place. Mostly. It's part of what makes me afraid us taking the next step. I'm no more prepared for you to stick your dick in me than you are for me to do it to you. I don't know how that'll work out, or if it's possible for either one of us to like that."

"We could always buy a Miss Kimber doll and have a threesome," Sean suggested, a devilish little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"I'm not opposed to a doll, but let's get one that I don't feel compelled to put a bag over its head while I'm screwing it."

"It's a deal," Sean agreed, grateful to Christian for making him feel better when he didn't think anything, or anyone, could.

********

Christian leaned on the doorframe of Liz's office, watching her re-load the cartons she'd barely had time to unpack. When she saw him, she looked at him a moment and then went back to her packing.

"If you're here to ask me to stay on, forget it. I already called the hospital in Miami, and they're willing to take me back. I'll be here the rest of the week since I understand you fired your new anesthesiologist and you're booked with surgeries. After that, I'm going home."

"Come on, Lizzie, this is home, here with us. I'm not asking you to forgive me, but why take it out on the practice? Or on Sean? This isn't his fault. It's mine."

"It's not about taking it out on anyone. I just can't do this anymore. This on again, off again thing isn't for me. I invested a lot of myself in you, Christian, and I don't want to watch you screwing around when we were almost married."

"I'm not going to be screwing around anymore - - "

"Oh, no, I fell for that once, and you had a ring with you that time," she said, quickly stuffing a few trinkets in a nearly full box before closing it.

"We're not meant to be, and I should have never dragged you back here. I was using you to live out a fantasy, and I completely admit to being a world class asshole. I wasn't asking you to take me back. I just thought you should be the first to know."

"Know what? Has something changed with your diagnosis?"

"No, although Sean did draw enough blood to restock the Beverly Hills chapter of the Red Cross this morning."

"Then what?"

"You were right about Sean and me, some of the things you said last night. We made love this morning, and it was like everything I was looking for just...fell into place. A couple years ago, this whack-job therapist told me I was in love with Sean, and there was nothing I wouldn't do to deny that. Hell, when Sean found out, he was very careful to tell me how much he loved me, but not that way." Christian shook his head, smiling. "I think we were both so afraid of the label that we didn't let ourselves feel the feelings."

"Be good to Sean. He's been through a lot. If you're going back to banging stupid sluts, don't do it in front of him."

"This is a forever thing for me," Christian said. "Well, as long as my forever is," he added.

"I hope you two are happy together, and I hope you find treatment that helps you fight the cancer. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing."

"You won't reconsider about staying? There's nothing I could say?"

"Not now, no, there isn't. And by the way, I'm not cancelling the wedding arrangements or the travel plans, Christian. You are. I'm all done cleaning up after you."

"Fair enough," he said, sighing. "I've been really upbeat with Sean about trying to find a clinical trial or experimental treatment that's right for me, that'll beat this thing. But if none of it works, and I die in a few months, he's going to be destroyed, Lizzie. Just tell me you'll stay in touch with him after I'm gone, keep an eye on him. He's got three kids, an ex-wife...and he's more alone than I am."

"Of course, I would stay in touch with Sean. I love him, we've been friends for years. I wouldn't turn my back on him."

"It'll be hard for you to do that from Miami. Look, I have no right to ask you of all people to do this, but would you please just ride this out with us, just a little longer? We'll know soon enough if there's any hope with any of these alternative treatment options Sean's researching."

"You do realize this could all end up just being a way for him to cope with your illness and not really make a difference?"

"I could go through a lot of suffering, side effects, and other assorted bullshit I didn't really want to, and die anyway, yeah, I know that. But if there's a chance I can stay here with Sean, and we can go to Wilbur's high school graduation and dance at his wedding someday, how can I not fight for that?" He paused. "I know it's an enormous thing to ask of you when we just broke off an engagement, but I'm worried about Sean. I think Matt'll be around for him, but Matt isn't the most stable, reliable kid in the world."

Liz sighed, looking at her boxed up office. "I want to make one thing perfectly clear," she said, waving a finger in Christian's direction. "I'm only doing this for Sean."

"Understood," Christian replied, not able to completely wipe the smile off his face. "Thank you."

"Why did you have to go and make love to the guy when you don't even know if you're going to be around to be there for him? Wasn't screwing up my lesbian identity enough for you?"

"Sean laid a lot on the line thinking maybe we could only have one time together and he'd have to back off and let me marry someone else. He wanted this as much as I did, no matter how it turns out."

"I hope it turns out well, Christian, I really do. You've both been down a long and twisted road to get to where you are now."

********

"Nice place," Christian commented, looking around the restaurant Sean had chosen. "Tell me you didn't use the house as collateral for the reservation?"

"What is this? Christian Troy fretting over the price of dinner?" Sean teased, looking at the menu.

The restaurant was dimly lit, small candles on each table, soft classical music in the background, and an impressive selection of gourmet entrees. Christian squinted at a couple he saw a few tables over. The woman was dressed elegantly, her brown hair upswept, accenting her fine bone structure and full lips. The man with close-cropped blond hair and handsome features was wearing an obviously expensive suit.

"Is that - - ?" he nudged Sean under the table, trying to subtly get him to look at the couple.

"Looks like them," Sean said, laying the menu down, smiling at Christian's interest in spotting celebrities. It was the main reason he'd worked so hard to get them reservations here. It was a known hot spot for the beautiful people of Hollywood, and Christian so wanted to move in that circle. And he should, Sean thought, looking at his partner's handsome features and impeccable sense of style. If ever there was a beautiful person, it was Christian. Somehow, no matter how hard he worked, he never managed to make it into that ultimate upper echelon he was always reaching for. Sean fervently wished he could make that happen for Christian.

Christian abandoned his people watching and looked back at Sean. "Sorry. I guess I was a little star-struck."

"It's okay. That's why I chose this place. I thought you might have fun celebrity-spotting. I'm just glad a couple of them were actually here for you to spot."

"We've still got a ways to go with the practice, Sean. We have to attract those people to get their work done by us. The collagen injections alone would make the payroll."

Sean laughed at that. "You still want to be plastic surgeons to the stars, don't you?"

"I wouldn't mind lifting a few famous faces. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it?"

"I admit I've been a little disappointed by the 'celebrities' we've attracted. It wasn't all that fulfilling to see Candy Richards' enhanced ass in her latest video."

"She has another video out?"

"Unfortunately, yes," he said. "Annie texted me asking for her autograph."

"I can imagine that would thrill you."

"Yeah, almost as much as it did when Wilbur started singing along with 'Yo Stank Bitch' when I was looking for a radio station in the car last night. You actually played that for him?"

"Oh relax, Sean. He's a kid. He liked the beat."

"He was singing the line about garlic up her cooch, or whatever it is," Sean responded. "Just about took care of my appetite at the chicken place."

"We deserve to be doing celebrity facelifts, getting credit for preserving some of the great beauties of Hollywood."

"I would have settled for finding a solution to Budi Sabri's problem."

"You always want to make a difference, something beyond the superficial."

"I know, I'll stop being a 'buzzkill' now. It's fun to fantasize about being the plastic surgery destination for the first string celebrities instead of the fourth-string freakshow."

"You're not being a buzzkill, Sean. I've always admired that about you, even when it pissed me off. You'd rather do ten pro bono surgeries on somebody with a real problem than one overpriced facelift on a saggy movie star that would put you on the map forever." Christian took Sean's hand in his. "Whenever I talk to colleagues at conferences or some kind of social event, I'm always so proud to tell them you're my partner, that we've been together for over twenty years. They always comment on what good things they've heard about you, or what a great surgeon you are. And I always agree with them."

"That means a lot to me," Sean said, smiling, though he felt a lump in his throat. It was as if Christian were taking opportunities to tell him things he hadn't put into words before. Things he wanted Sean to know when he was gone.

"I can tell. What's wrong?" Christian said, and Sean realized his eyes had filled and he couldn't answer him.

"Excuse me a minute," Sean managed, getting up and walking out of the restaurant. He kept moving, even ignoring the maitre'd's inquiry if everything was all right.

Once he was out the door and into the cooling night air, he realized there were tears on his face, and more were coming. He didn't know where his car was, and a parking lot attendant was approaching him now to ask which one was his.

"I don't want it right now," he snapped, walking across the parking lot, not sure where he was going.

"Sean!" He heard Christian's voice, and as much as he didn't want to ruin this evening for Christian by breaking down like this, he knew he'd already done considerable damage to it by running out of the restaurant and wandering aimlessly around the parking lot. He stopped where he was and waited for Christian to catch up to him. "Why did you bolt?" Christian asked as he noticed the wetness around Sean's eyes. "I'm sorry if I said something - - "

"You said something really beautiful. I just couldn't handle it. Sometimes I can't help thinking about it, what it'll be like if we don't win, if we don't beat this thing."

"We'll face it together, whatever the outcome."

"But you won't be here!" Sean shouted. "None of this shit matters without you," he added, more quietly. Christian didn't have a solution, other than to put his arms around Sean and cry with him, in a dark corner of the parking lot of the best restaurant in town. They stood there what felt like a long time, until the tears subsided. Christian nudged Sean's chin up and kissed him, but somehow that made him feel worse. He knew he shouldn't grieve Christian while he was still alive and there was still hope, but it just hurt too much.

"I'm not dead yet, Sean," Christian said gently, pulling Sean back into his arms. "I know you're scared. I am, too," he said.

"I should be strong for you."

"Oh, bullshit. There are worse things than having someone be afraid of losing me. Kind of makes it all a little easier to face."

"Sorry I'm such a sniveling pussy," Sean said, pulling back and wiping at his eyes.

"That's what these fancy designer hankies are for," Christian said, pulling the purple silk handkerchief that perfectly coordinated with his shirt, out of its perfectly shaped pouf in his suit pocket and handing it to Sean.

"This probably cost more than dinner in there," he said, hesitating.

"You might as well wipe your face with it, because I'm blowing my nose in it when you're done," he said, and Sean had to laugh, despite feeling a pain worse that Colleen's knife, right through his heart. "You're not a pussy, Sean. You never have been. I wouldn't be in love with a pussy." At Sean's raised eyebrow, Christian chuckled. "Well, you know what I mean." He held out his hand. "Let's go for a walk." Sean smiled, looking at the extended hand before slipping his into it.

"What about dinner?"

"We both look like shit and my coordinating pocket square is full of snot," he said, looking at it with some disgust as he shoved it in his pants pocket. "That wasn't what I had in mind for swapping body fluids." Sean laughed a little at that, and Christian smiled. "We're not going back in that place tonight."

Christian started walking, and Sean fell into step with him. Walking hand in hand in the mild night breeze suddenly seemed better than sitting in an overly pretentious restaurant. The business district they were in was quiet and pleasant, with sidewalks, shops and other small cafes and restaurants. The fact Christian didn't mind if some of the beautiful, trendy people in Beverly Hills did a double-take at them because they were holding hands in public made Sean grip his hand even a little bit tighter.

"Sorry I screwed up dinner. I probably can't get us reservations again."

"If we try, we'll use my name so they don't remember us." Christian was quiet a moment. "I talked Liz into staying on."

"How did you manage that?"

"It wasn't easy. I just think that we need her to be here. We don't know yet what my treatment is going to involve, and having someone else we can trust at the practice will be a big help."

"Did you tell her about us?"

"Yup."

"I bet that went over well."

"She was actually pretty good about it. She wants to be sure I don't cheat on you, though."

"You won't."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself there, killer."

"I'm sure of you."

"You want to stop in and get something to eat?" Christian asked as they passed a small Italian restaurant.

"I could eat," Sean said, realizing a little of the heaviness in his gut had lifted. Whatever was coming, he and Christian had the chance for some beautiful time together now. He could enjoy it, or he could miss out on it while he was grieving his partner before he was dead.

"Nice Italian dinner and going to bed early," Christian added, flexing his eyebrows. "Perfect evening."

"Sure, try to take advantage of me on our first date."

"You have a problem with that?"

"I'll have a problem with it if you didn't," Sean quipped, nudging Christian's shoulder.

The restaurant was quiet and dimly lit, the candles flickering on the tables dripping multicolored wax down their wine bottle holders, the soft strains of Italian music filling the air. The clientele there were mostly couples, and the place was only half full. At Christian's request, they were escorted to a table in the corner, where they'd have less light and more privacy. With a bottle of red wine and two glasses served, they put off ordering dinner for a while just to enjoy the quiet time together.

"How are you feeling?" Sean asked, not really wanting to bring up Christian's illness, but at the same time feeling like it was the 600-pound gorilla sitting at the table with them.

"Surprisingly good. I thought I'd be weak, or nauseous, or...something."

"I have a call in to Wayne Tanner. I just hope I've got enough clout to get a call back."

"Isn't he the guy who just won the Nobel Prize for his cancer research?"

"One in the same. He's been exploring some really radical ideas, and I want us to talk to him. I read three of his articles today, and I have Lisa digging through our files for the other journals we have he's been published in," he said, referring to one of their office workers. "I printed off a bunch of stuff from the internet he's written or been quoted in."

"You're a colleague. I'm sure he'll at least return the call."

"If he doesn't, I'll fly out there and camp in his waiting room."

"You feel pretty strongly about this guy's work, huh?"

"He combines some pretty aggressive surgical and chemo options, and he's had some good results with metastatic breast cancer. So far, all of his published work I've found is relevant to female patients, so I need to talk to him personally to see if he's done any work with male patients." Sean paused. "Not exactly romantic dinner conversation, is it?" he asked, regretfully.

"No, but it's hope," Christian said, reaching over and laying his hand on the side of Sean's face. Sean covered the hand with his own, and turned his face into the touch, kissing the palm of Christian's hand. He took a chance on the gesture, not sure if Christian would be okay with that much of a display of obvious romantic affection. He was apparently fine with it, since he leaned over and kissed Sean's lips, lingering there a while.

"I think we're getting some stares. Are you okay with that?" Sean asked, their faces still close. Even with the small table, they had positioned their chairs next to each other, as close as they could be.

"They're just jealous," Christian said, not sparing a look for whatever inquisitive diners had caught Sean's attention. "Wishing someone was so in love with them that he couldn't wait 'til they got home to spend all night making love to them."

"Should we give them something else to look at?" Sean asked, before making his own move and kissing Christian.

"Should we order dinner so we can eat and get out of here?" Christian suggested, sliding the menu toward Sean.

"Great idea. Do you want to each get something different and share?"

"Whatever you're eating I'm going to be sticking my tongue into one way or another, so we might as well," Christian quipped.

They ordered spaghetti and veal, respectively, and settled in for a quiet dinner together. Over salad and bread, Christian made a suggestion.

"Before we get involved in an aggressive, drastic treatment program of some sort, what would you think of taking a trip together?"

"How long of a trip? If we can get you started on something, every day matters."

"Yes, Sean, it does. And once I'm undergoing aggressive chemo, or having more surgery, I'm not going to be in any condition to use these." He pulled out two airline tickets and laid them on the table.

"These are round trip tickets to Rome," Sean said. "These were your honeymoon tickets."

"They still could be," Christian said, and Sean looked up at him, surprised. "I want to spend my life with you, Sean. I don't care if it's six months or sixty years. If you feel the same way, then let's take this trip together and celebrate whatever time we have. When we come back from this trip, I'll sign up for any treatment program you think is best."

"Did you just ask me to marry you?"

"I guess I did. So how long are you gonna keep me in suspense before you answer me?"

"You didn't have to ask. You had me the first time you kissed me."

"I just want to be sure that I always do."

"You do." Sean smiled. "I do."

"Hold that thought. Maybe we can exchange vows on the balcony of our honeymoon suite in Rome." Christian took Sean's hand and kissed the back of it. "Or in our private villa in the picturesque Tuscan countryside."

"There's just one condition. If we find the right treatment option and we need to start right away, that takes priority over travel plans. I'd commit my life to you anywhere, anytime. If it's in Rome, or in the car on the way home, or here, now. But if you love me, the most important thing is fighting to stay with me."

"Fair enough. You know I'd do anything for you."

"I'm banking on that."

"It would be great to go on a vacation together, though," Sean said, smiling at the thought.

"We'll get a new top of the line digital camera, with video, and we'll capture it all so we can show our grandchildren someday what a great time their two horny old grandpas had making out in a gondola."

Their food was served shortly thereafter, and they took their time enjoying it, eating off each other's plates, sharing a truly romantic "first date." When dinner was finished, they split a tiramisu, which they fed to each other, oblivious to and unconcerned with any stares coming from other diners. This was a special moment, and neither of them were willing to let it pass for the sake of appearances.

"Excuse me," a female voice interrupted them as they shared the last couple bites of dessert. An attractive redhead stood at the table, cell phone in hand. "This is going to sound really odd, but this looks like a special occasion, and I wondered if you'd like me to e-mail you this picture." She handed Christian the cell phone, which he held where Sean could see it. On the tiny screen was a picture of them kissing. "I'll erase it right now if you don't want it. My husband and I just got back from our honeymoon, and someone took a picture like this for us while we were in Hawaii, and I just thought it was the most romantic thing in the world. We have it on the night stand in our bedroom. I guess I was just doing the karma thing, returning the favor to someone else."

"Thank you, we'd love to have it," Sean said, writing his e-mail address on a cocktail napkin.

"I'm Jennifer, and that's my husband, Josh, over there with the dark hair," she said, pointing out a good-looking young man sitting by himself at a table. He waved when they all looked over.

"I'm Christian, this is Sean - - it's our first official date," he said. "He just agreed to marry me," Christian added with pride in his voice that moved Sean deeply.

"But we've been together twenty-five years and have a son and grandchild," Sean added. "It's complicated," he said, smiling.

"So you're a newly engaged old married couple?" she asked, laughing.

"Something like that," Christian confirmed, smiling at Sean.

"I'll send you the photo tonight. Let me know if you have any trouble printing it out, and I'll do it."

"That's really nice of you, Jennifer, thank you. This is going to be more special to us than you know," Sean said, and Christian took his hand, squeezing it.

"We're fighting cancer right now," Christian said, not sure why he was telling a total stranger. "We don't know yet if we're going to win."

"You have to. I'm not sure which one of you has it, but you deserve a lot of years together. Good luck."

"Thanks again," Sean said, watching her go back to her table and rejoin her husband. They were so young, so healthy, and if their marriage lasted, they'd have a good fifty or sixty years together, barring anything unforseen. Like cancer. Somehow it all seemed very unfair.

********

When they arrived home, Wilbur's nanny informed them he was asleep, before gathering her things and leaving. Christian headed down the hall to stealthily look in on his son, while Sean took off his jacket and threw it on the couch, fixing himself a drink.

"You want anything?" he asked as Christian entered the room.

"I had enough wine with dinner. I want to be awake a while yet tonight."

"Your place or mine?" Sean quipped, referring to their bedrooms.

"My place. It's easier for me to hear Wilbur if he's up and around. Far enough away for Matt not to hear something he shouldn't."

"I'll get a nursery monitor for my room. That way, if the spirit moves us, we can use either room." Sean paused. "We need to talk to Matt about this."

"I know, but it can wait. Maybe he'll find out on his own."

"That's not a good solution," Sean responded. "This is going to be weird for him."

"He's a big boy. He'll deal with it." Christian smiled, sliding his arms around Sean's waist, pulling him close. "I had a good time tonight."

"Me, too. Sorry we didn't get to finish dinner with the stars," Sean said, smiling, as they headed toward Christian's room. He sat on the foot of the bed to take off his shoes and socks, and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"I was more interested in my date than people watching anyway," Christian said, sitting next to Sean. He kicked his own shoes off and pulled off his socks. "You know, Sean, there are more exciting parts you could have stripped first than your feet."

"If I don't want to spend the night with my pants stuck around my ankles, the shoes have to go," he said reasonably, unbuttoning the rest of the buttons on his shirt.

"You've got to stop wearing those things," Christian said, tugging at the crew neck on Sean's t-shirt. "It's too much trouble getting you naked, and you'll get addicted to the feeling of expensive silk shirts on your skin."

"I will, huh?"

"I'm going to start dressing you snazzier," Christian said.

"I didn't know you were going to take over dressing me at all."

"Since I plan on undressing you a lot, it's the only fair thing for me to do."

"I'm all for fairness," Sean replied, standing and pulling his t-shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor with his shoes and socks. He started undoing his belt, and then hesitated. "I'm not swinging on a pole and you didn't pay for a lap dance, so you better start stripping, too."

"Asshole," Christian replied, chuckling as he stood and started dispensing with his own clothes, tossing the expensive suit in a heap on the floor, more interested in Sean than he was in tidying up after himself. Let the dry cleaners earn their money pressing the wrinkles out.

With everything including underwear cast aside, Sean pulled Christian close for a kiss, intentionally rubbing his body against Christian's so his cock felt the friction.

"Teach me how to do a blow job the way you like it," Sean said, taking Christian's cock in his hand, stroking it. "I know what I like, but I've never done it before."

"I didn't figure you had," Christian replied. "You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

"You want me to use a rubber?"

"If I wanted to suck rubber, I'd borrow one of Wilbur's old pacifiers."

"I'm clean - - I mean I've been tested."

"Do you think I'm worried about that right now? I want to do something special for you."

"You don't have to do this because you're still healing up and you think you have to give me something in place of your ass. This morning was great, no holes necessary."

"If you don't want me to do it, all you have to do is say no."

"I'd have to be nuts not to want it. I want to be sure you want it."

"I'm not this fragile, Christian. I appreciate how understanding and good you've been to me about what happened the other night, but if I say I want to suck your dick, I want to suck your dick, and we shouldn't have to have a two-hour conversation about it to confirm that I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Christian said, hoping to calm Sean's irritable frame of mind. After all, he was jeopardizing getting a blow job from someone he was crazy about. Sean was right. With anyone else, he'd have had his pants down and his partner would have been on her knees and halfway done already.

"No, I am. I'm just nervous. Not about having you in my mouth, but I don't want to screw it up."

"The dick's pretty durable, so unless you bite it off, you're not going to do any serious damage. Have you ever had someone suck you and not liked it?"

"I guess I have a wide margin for error, huh?"

"Just come to bed with me, and we'll work our way there. I want your mouth up here for a while before it goes below decks." Christian kissed him, his tongue lingering in Sean's mouth until they finally parted long enough to get into the bed before going back to kissing.

Sean started moving down, kissing Christian's belly, taking the semi-erect cock in his hand and kissing up the length of it.

"Shit," Christian sighed, the feather-light touch of lips arousing and maddening at the same time. "Don't try to take the whole thing in your mouth because it'll choke you if I thrust up suddenly, or it could hurt your throat or the roof of your mouth. Put your hand around the base and your mouth over the end."

Sean followed the instructions, and Christian still flinched.

"Teeth," he said, and Sean flushed pink. He tried again, this time managing to keep his teeth off the sensitive skin. Sean definitely wouldn't be recruited as a fluffer anytime soon, but he was trying, and it was starting to feel pretty damn good. Christian leaned up on one elbow and caressed Sean's hair. "Yeah, that's good," Christian said. He wanted to encourage Sean, but he didn't have to fake it. Sean's technique was a little clumsy, but it was Sean, and he was putting as much effort into making Christian feel good as he did into the most complicated microsurgery. "Loosen your hand a little, sweetheart," he urged, since Sean's hand was beginning to feel like a four-finger wide cock ring. He knew Sean was nervous, and trying so hard to be good at this, that it was probably making him hold onto Christian's dick for dear life. "Play with my balls," Christian said, feeling weird to say it, but knowing it would get him off a lot faster.

Sean's hand gently rolled Christian's balls, and his mouth worked diligently. Christian could feel his climax coming, and as it did, Sean did his best to finish what he started, taking in as much of Christian's come as he could, a little of it escaping his mouth.

"Come up here with me," Christian said, waiting until Sean moved up next to him. "Thank you. That was a better dessert than the tiramisu," he added, kissing Sean. He carefully ran his hand over Sean's back. "How's your back?"

"A lot better."

"Good." Christian rolled them over so he was on top of Sean, kissing him. "So what was it like, blowing another guy?" His gentle tone made the question seem less crass.

"I wasn't blowing another guy. I was blowing you. That's what made it good." Sean kissed him again. "You don't have to do that to me if you're not ready. Your hand'll work fine."

"I'm just remembering some things I didn't want to think about right now."

"I'm not Mr. Troy, Christian. I love you, and the only way I want you to do something with me is if you want it as much as I do."

"I didn't want to think about that. I thought it wouldn't matter, all this time later."

"It's okay. You keep telling me I'm not under any pressure - - you aren't either."

"The last time I had a dick in my mouth, I was seventeen and it smelled and tasted like sweat and piss, and the son of a bitch was drunk and kept stuffing it down my throat over and over again until I choked on it and my throat was raw." Christian rolled off Sean onto his back, resting one arm over his eyes. Sean could see and feel his body shaking. His voice was strained when he said, "I just stuck my dick in your mouth and got off on you, and I'm not returning the favor. I'm no better than he was."

"You're nothing like him, Christian. He was a monster, and you were a child. Even at seventeen, the abuse had been going on for so long that you weren't capable of making normal decisions about it, consenting or not consenting. We're both adults here, and we both want to be here, and nothing's happened between us that I didn't like or want to happen."

Sean moved over until he could rest his head on Christian's chest and slide his arm around Christian's middle. Christian's arm came down around Sean's shoulders.

"He didn't care anything about me. I could have been anyone. I tried to tell myself that the money, and the sports car, and the gifts...that they meant he loved me. But he only did that because hitting me or threatening me didn't work as well when I was physically big enough to knock him on his ass. There had to be something in it for me. He had to turn me into his paid whore to keep getting what he wanted."

"You weren't a whore. You never have been. That son of a bitch left you with a lot of unresolved pain that influenced the rest of your life. He abused you, Christian. There couldn't have been enough money or gifts to make that anything else."

"You're still the only person I ever told about him."

"I know. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy for us. We don't exactly have a storybook history, but we're smart enough to think of ways to make each other feel good. Those medical degrees ought to come in handy for something." Sean kissed Christian's chest. "I love you, Christian, and I want to be with you, however that works out. We're doing okay so far, and we'll do okay as long as we're doing it together."

"I think maybe all this shit from my past is what kept me from thinking about us this way sooner. You're going to laugh at this, but every time you hugged me, from the time we were kids in college, I wanted those moments to last. I've always liked being close to you. I liked sitting by you in class, I liked you leaning over me when were coaching me on operating on that damn fetal pig in biology. Your body's always felt right when it was close to me. Like you belonged there. Like you were what had been missing."

"I do belong close to you, and you belong with me. The rest is mechanics, and it's not worth losing this."

Sean moved up to kiss Christian, and one kiss led to another, until Christian seemed to get his second wind, and rolled them on their sides, reaching down and taking Sean's cock in his hand, pumping it as he kissed Sean's neck and shoulder, fastening his mouth there and sucking on the soft skin, knowing he was making a bright mark and loving the idea of marking Sean as his. Sean gasped and arched into Christian's pumping hand. Christian kissed him again, his tongue sliding deep into Sean's mouth. Sean came with a cry he stifled against Christian's chest, not wanting the sounds to carry and wake Wilbur.

Christian gathered Sean close in his arms, and Sean wound his leg around Christian's.

"What's Italy like?" Sean asked, and Christian smiled. He'd been there before, once on old man Troy's money on a high school trip, and then several times again after they started the practice, while Sean was holding down the fort and not able to leave his family or the practice to come along.

"Historic. Beautiful." He kissed Sean again. "Romantic. The food is amazing. The cities are magnificent and the countryside is beautiful. I can't wait to share it all with you."

"I've never been anywhere like that. I can't wait to see it with you."

"Let's make some time to travel. Let's get someone to take over the practice for a couple months and see Europe. England, France...maybe go drink beer at Oktoberfest in Germany."

"I never thought about that before. I guess we just never had time."

"That's one thing I'm learning to treasure, and spend on some things that matter. The practice matters, our careers and our future matter, but we need to start grabbing life and making love to it instead of just living it."

"I always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower," Sean admitted. "Megan wanted to go to Paris. I was so afraid of getting caught at the affair, and by the time I was prepared to risk everything and go to Paris with her, we were in the hotel room where I watched her commit suicide."

"We're going to get there, I promise," Christian said. They both knew he couldn't promise that, but it made them both feel better, and they held onto that, and each other, as they drifted off to sleep.

********

Sean sorted through his messages on his way to his office, irritated not to see one from Dr. Tanner. He knew the Nobel Prize-winning physician was probably busy and inundated with calls and appointments and commitments, of which his was just one more anonymous phone message slip. But this was Christian's life, and Tanner's secretary was going to put him at the top of the pile one way or another.

He was about to pick up the phone to make another run at getting through when there was a knock at the door. Linda poked her head in. "MediQuest's messenger just brought us lab results. These are Christian's," she said.

"Thanks, Linda," he said, taking the envelope. She left the office, and Sean opened the envelope, already prepared for what he was going to see. Once he had all the results back, he planned to go over them with another oncologist he'd known since college, just to be sure Christian's doctor, and Sean, weren't missing anything.

"This can't be right," he muttered to himself, reading through the results. Christian's numbers were all in the normal ranges, and according to these results, he was in remission. "Shit," Sean mumbled, the obvious lab error too cruel a joke when he'd personally hand delivered the samples and requested rushes on the results at no less than three separate labs. He rang Linda's extension. "Did we get the lab work from any of the other labs yet?"

"No, MediQuest is always earlier than the others. Omni Labs is online, but nothing's been posted yet. We should get them in a couple hours."

"Would you call the Bayside Oncology Lab and find out if they have Christian's lab work finished? I'll drive over there and get the results myself."

"What's wrong, Sean?" she asked.

"MediQuest's results aren't consistent with Christian's diagnosis and lab results from Oncology Associates, Dr. Moss's practice's in-house lab. Don't say anything to anyone about this. It's most likely a lab glitch or a mix up of some kind."

"Good or bad?"

"Linda, please just get a hold of those labs for me."

"Sure, Sean. I'll let you know what I find out." She hung up, and Sean knew he'd snapped at her, but the last thing he wanted was for Christian to overhear the staff speculating on his lab results before Sean had a chance to talk to him - - and more importantly, to determine which set of numbers were really Christian's.

Sean looked at the lab report again. His heart was pounding, and his hands were starting to shake just a little. He couldn't let himself believe this until he had confirmation. There was only a 50-50 chance that these numbers were right.

Yesterday, Christian's chances were slimmer than that...

He stood and started pacing, looking at his watch. His 10:30 rhinoplasty consult could wait thirty minutes. Hell, she could go to another surgeon for all he cared if it was the difference of waiting to confirm or debunk this lab report. When the phone on his desk rang, he almost jumped. He picked it up, and Linda's voice was on the other end.

"Omni has theirs done and will e-mail them to you now, before they post it to their online site. Bayside is backed up and probably won't be done until this afternoon."

"Tell them to put a rush on it."

"I did, Sean. That was what they said after I told them this was urgent. Their nurse reminded me that they exclusively handle cancer testing, so everything's urgent."

"I'll go there in person. Cancel my 9:00 consult, and if I'm not back by ten, cancel Mrs. Forsythe, unless Christian wants to take her."

"All right," Linda said, sounding puzzled. "This is something big, isn't it?"

"Huge. You can't say anything to anyone, not until I've verified this and talked to Christian."

"I won't say a word. Just let me know as soon as you know?"

"I will." Sean hung up and checked his e-mail. Still nothing. The next five minutes felt like an hour, but finally, after refreshing his e-mail connection about ten times, the e-mail from Omni Labs appeared in his inbox.

Taking a deep breath and trying to steady his had, he clicked on the attachment and opened the report. He was afraid to look at the screen, afraid this report would confirm the results from Christian's doctor, and that the MediQuest results would be wrong. He forced himself to look at it.

The Omni results matched the results from the MediQuest lab.

"Oh, my God," he said aloud in the empty office. His chest felt tight, there was pressure in his head, and his hands were still shaking so badly he had to clasp them together to still them. Christian was in remission. He wasn't dying. He didn't need another harrowing course of chemo. He wasn't dying.

There was one more set of lab results to pick up, but it was highly unlikely they would do anything but confirm the results he already had in his hands. Still, he'd sent samples out to three labs for a reason, and he wasn't about to give up without having the third set of results in his hands. He tossed his lab coat aside, and donning his sport coat, picked up his briefcase and headed out of the office.

"Cancel everything on my book today," he said to Linda as he passed her desk. "Christian's, too."

"Sean, what's happened?"

"The Omni results match the MediQuest results. I'm on my way to Bayside right now to get those, if I have to break the place up to do it."

"You know two labs wouldn't be wrong," she said. "Does this mean he's going to be okay?" she asked in a hushed voice.

"Three labs are even more of a sure thing. Just don't say anything to anybody. I'll be back as soon as I have the third set of results."

"You don't ask much," she quipped, the happiness clear in her voice. "Mum's the word. What do I tell Christian about cancelling his appointments?"

"Just tell him I told you to do it, and that I'll explain later."

"Okay. See you soon, Sean. Drive carefully."

"Oh, I will."

When he arrived at the Bayside Oncology Lab, he wasn't surprised the results were taking longer, given the crowded state of their waiting room. It had been that way when he dropped off the samples, too. Still, he wasn't in the mood to sympathize with their workload. He just wanted that third set of results.

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked. She didn't recognize him, and with two lines ringing and only one other office worker to assist her, he doubted she cared who he was beyond dispatching him in whichever direction he needed to go.

"I'm Dr. Sean McNamara. I personally delivered lab samples yesterday for testing, on the understanding they would be finished today."

"I just spoke to your office, Dr. McNamara. Are those the Troy results?"

"Yes."

"They'll be done this afternoon."

"Is the lab work finished on them?"

"They're scheduled to be in the batch that will be sent out with our afternoon courier."

"Then they're finished."

"Our courier picks the samples up around two. It's only ten."

"But they could be done."

"They could be, yes."

"Then I need you to find out if they are."

"Just a moment." She answered a line, put one person on hold, and answered the other line, putting that person on hold, before turning her attention back to Sean. "I'll call back to the lab and see if they're done."

"Thank you." Sean waited, feeling like his whole body was vibrating with restrained energy, wondering if he was shaking visibly or if it just felt that way.

"They're finished. Someone will bring them up for you in just a minute."

"Thank you."

"Are you all right, doctor?" she asked. "I'm sorry, but you're perspiring heavily and you're shaking."

"I'll be fine as soon as I get those results," he said.

"If you'll forgive me, I think you should sit down. I'll get you some water."

Figuring if he looked that bad, he should probably follow her advice, he sat down in one of the chairs and ran his hand over his face, surprised when it came away damp with sweat. His hands still shook badly enough that he couldn't have carved a pumpkin safely, let alone performed surgery.

"Here you go," she said, handing him a plastic cup of water.

"Thank you, Vicky," he said, reading her name tag. She was a heavy set, middle aged woman with auburn hair and carefully applied makeup. She flashed a pretty smile at him.

"You're welcome. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, thank you, this is fine." He took a drink of the water and tried to take a few deep, calming breaths. So much was riding on these results. He already had two matching that told him Christian would be okay, that he was in remission, but there was that lingering fear that these results would match the first results and there'd be some kind of sick tie that would require more tests to break. He knew that was nonsense, that he could go back to the office and give Christian the good news right now, but he had to have the third set of results.

He looked around at all the people in the lab, some of them looking as if they had suffered the ravages of cancer and chemotherapy, others looking relatively healthy, and yet waiting to be tested to see if they would soon join the first group.

"Here you go, Dr. McNamara," Vicky said, returning to hand him the envelope. "I can take that if you're finished," she said, reaching for the mostly empty water cup.

"Thanks again," he said, handing her the cup and heading for the door, the envelope clutched in his hand. After returning to his car, he opened it and confronted the results. Just as he expected, they confirmed the other two sets of results showing Christian was in remission.

He got the phone number for Dr. Moss's office from information, and dialed the number on his cell. When the receptionist answered, he insisted on speaking to Christian's doctor personally, immediately.

"Dr. Moss is with a patient, Dr. McNamara. I can have him call you as soon as he's finished."

"This is an emergency regarding one of his patients, so please interrupt him."

"Just a moment." She left the phone, and a few minutes of hold music irritated Sean more than having the intended calming effect.

"Dr. McNamara, this is Dr. Moss. I'm assuming this is about Christian Troy?"

"Yes, it's about Christian. I just got the results back from three individual labs. Christian is in remission. The reason I felt this was an emergency is in case you have another patient out there thinking he's in remission when he isn't."

"You ran three sets of lab tests? There's no room for error?"

"Not when three individual labs give me the same results. I drew, packaged, and delivered the samples personally, so there's no margin for error that would cover all three labs."

"Please convey my apologies to Christian. I'll contact him personally, of course, and we'll begin a thorough investigation to determine how this happened. In all my years of practice, we've never had a situation like this."

"I'll leave it up to Christian to discuss this with you in more detail, and to decide whether or not he wants to take any action about it. I'd appreciate if you'd wait until later to call him. I'd like to give him the news personally. I'm on my way back to my office right now."

"I understand. What prompted you to run those tests right now?"

"Christian changed his mind about letting me search for a clinical trial or experimental treatment option, so I wanted not only lab results, but I wanted to be especially sure they were accurate before basing any future course of treatment on them."

"I'm very happy for Christian, and for your practice. I know you've been partners for many years."

"Over twenty now," Sean said. "Thank you, Dr. Moss. I'll let Christian know you'll be in touch with him."

********

"Linda, Sean had to say something besides just cancel everything. I had a rhinoplasty and a boob job on the books, and a consult for a full body make over."

"I'm sorry, Christian, Sean told me to clear both your schedules and he'd explain when he got back."

"From where?"

"Wherever he went," she said, shrugging. "He'll explain."

She didn't have to say anything else once the dynamo that was Sean burst through the doors, rushing up to the counter where Christian was leaning, bickering with Linda. He slapped the envelope on the counter.

"Your first lab results were an error, Christian. Three independent labs confirm that you are in remission. You're not dying! We won!!" Sean exclaimed.

Christian just stared at him for a moment, then he grabbed Sean in a hug and lifted his feet off the floor, laughing and crying at the same time. Liz came running out of her office just as Christian covered Sean's mouth with his, kissing him thoroughly and leaving no illusions that it was a platonic kiss of brotherly love. Both men had tears on their faces, and though Christian finally let Sean's feet touch the floor again, he didn't relinquish his hold on him for several seconds. When he finally did, he hugged Linda, then paused when he looked at Liz. She smiled at him with affection and hugged him.

"I'm glad for you, Christian," she said, stepping back and then hugging Sean.

"Okay, I've obviously missed something here," Linda said, having witnessed the passionate celebratory kiss.

"We finally figured out after twenty-five years together that it was time to go out on our first date last night," Christian explained. "It went well," he added.

"Did you get lucky?" Linda teased with a sly smile.

"Oh, yeah, I got luckier than I ever did before," he said, his voice soft and rough with emotion as he looked at Sean, who looked happier than Christian could remember him looking for a very long time. "You know, we could have used the money from those surgeries today to finance some of our travel plans," he teased Sean.

Sean held out two hands that were still shaking. "I couldn't slice a bagel right now." Christian took both hands in his.

"Take a few breaths, Sean. Otherwise, you're going to drop dead and I'm going to be left to run this place by myself."

"Tonight, we should all have dinner somewhere and celebrate," Liz suggested, surprising both of them. "You don't think I want to celebrate Christian being healthy, just because he's an asshole?"

"That means a lot to us, Liz. Actually, I already have a table reserved at the Harbor Club for tonight. A large table. Make sure the whole staff gets the invitation." Sean looked at Christian. "We have reservations right now."

"Some hip hot spot for lunch?" Christian asked.

"Something like that. Harbor Club, tonight, eight o'clock, under McNamara/Troy," Sean said, to the staff that had gathered at the commotion. Then he took Christian's arm and started hustling him toward the door.

"You mind if I get my jacket out of my office?" Christian asked, chuckling at Sean's enthusiasm.

"I'll bring the car around," Sean said, hurrying out of the office.

"I don't think I've ever seen Sean flustered before," Linda said.

"Flustered or horny, one or the other," Liz concluded, heading back to her office.

********

"I thought we were going to lunch," Christian said as Sean turned the car down their street, heading for the house.

"We are. I just never said where, or what was on the menu," Sean replied, turning into their driveway and into the garage.

"I'm liking the sound of this better and better."

When Sean opened the door to the house, Christian walked inside and was greeted with the sound of romantic music coming from the direction of his bedroom. All the drapes were drawn in the house, a few candles burning to give it a soft glow.

"I thought we could celebrate together first," Sean said, taking Christian's hand and leading him back toward the bedroom.

The bed was freshly made and turned back, unlike the rumpled mess they'd gotten out of that morning and left for the housekeeper. Still, Sean kept going. Apparently bed wasn't the first stop on his tour. "I asked Rita to take Wilbur to the park after school, so we'll have the place to ourselves until about five," he said, leading Christian into the bathroom.

The blinds were closed, and this room, too, was lit by candles. The jacuzzi tub was full, and rose petals floated on the surface of the water. There was champagne in an ice bucket and two glasses sitting on the ledge of the tub, along with a bowl of strawberries and two other small bowls - - one holding whipped cream and the other holding chocolate sauce.

"When did you do all this?"

"As soon as I got the final results, I stopped at the store, came back here, set this up, and then went back to the office to get you. I wanted to celebrate." Sean looked at what he'd set up. "I know it's probably a little over the top, but I got to thinking that just because one of us isn't a woman is no reason we shouldn't enjoy a little romance."

"It's beautiful, Sean." Christian surprised Sean by taking him in his arms, but not for an embrace. He slid one arm around Sean's back and took his hand so they were swaying slowly to the music on the stereo. "I think we're overdue for a little old fashioned romance in our lives," Christian said, resting his forehead against Sean's. He smiled when he listened to the lyrics of the love song:

I can feel the magic floating in the air

Being with you gets me that way

I watch the sunlight dance across your face

And I've never been this swept away

Sean moved back a little, pushing Christian's jacket off his shoulders. Christian thought of teasing him about his anxiousness, but there was something in Sean's eyes, something intense and passionate, that rendered him silent as he mirrored the gesture, and they began to undress each other. When clothes were on the floor, they stepped into the warm tub and lowered themselves into the water.

Sean poured them each a glass of champagne, handing one to Christian.

"I tried to think up a clever toast when I was setting all this up. I didn't come up with one. I just feel like we've been given this amazing gift, like I've been given something that's so beautiful I don't deserve it, could never do anything good enough to deserve it. It's the way I felt twenty-five years ago when you came into my life, only times ten, because we're together the way we are now. I love you so much that I feel like it's what makes my heart beat, and like it's the best reason for it to keep beating."

Christian didn't say anything, but after they tapped their glasses, he pulled Sean close for a kiss that he hoped would answer those words with feelings he couldn't seem to verbalize. Feelings so powerful they were almost frightening.

"You know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd just taken you in my arms and kissed you back when we were in college," he said.

"I would have kissed back," Sean admitted. "You'd have caught me before life got in the way, before I got so set in my ways that even the possibility was something I wouldn't let in until it was almost too late."

"We've had a beautiful history, Sean. I wouldn't trade a minute of it, even if we could have had more. Doing something different would risk what we have now. Matt, Annie, Conor, Wilbur, Jenna. Our practice, everything we've gone through that's made us who we are, and who we are together. We have each other, but we would have never had our family without Julia, without Gina. God help us, without Kimber."

"It's kind of nice to think about watching our children and grandchildren grow up, isn't it?"

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, finding out what the next twenty-five years or so bring." Christian tapped his glass against Sean's one more time and they took one last drink before setting the glasses aside to concentrate on each other.

Sean wrapped his arms around Christian and tipped them back until Christian was against the tub and Sean was on top of him, kissing Christian's mouth, his chin, and his neck. Christian thought of teasing him about his enthusiasm, but he was enjoying it too much to jeopardize stopping it. He moaned in pleasure when Sean licked and then sucked on Christian's nipple, playing with it with his tongue, spending time there as if it were the most luscious breast in the world. Then he moved to the other side and did the same, spending even more time there, since Christian had noticed a slightly decreased sensitivity on the reconstructed side - - the fact Sean remembered that off-handed, minor comment touched him deeply, as deeply as knowing that Sean would be there, doing this, even if he had more noticeable scarring. Even when he was old and not all that much to look at. And he'd want to hold Sean in his arms and touch every part of him even when he was old and gray and frail.

Sean kissed him again, this time rubbing his body against Christian's. There was something in the water that was giving their skin the slickness that made the friction minimal and the slide and stimulation much easier. His cock was rubbing against Sean's, their most sensitive parts brushing against each other. He pulled Sean toward him for another kiss, his hands sliding down Sean's back carefully, keeping his touch light enough not to irritate the healing skin. His hand traveled down to Sean's ass, rubbing over the smooth cheeks, realizing Sean wasn't flinching away from his touch even in light of what he'd been through, or how much discomfort Christian knew he was still dealing with. He trusted Christian so much that even his fingertips brushing near Sean's injured opening didn't unsettle him. That thought brought tears to Christian's eyes, and he had to kiss Sean, to make sure he knew how much he was loved and wanted.

They shared a sweet climax together, and when it was over, Christian just lay there in the warm water with Sean's sated body still on top of his, wrapped up in his arms, Sean's head on his shoulder.

"I think we should take the chocolate, whipped cream and strawberries into the bedroom and have dessert," Christian suggested. He felt a little rumble of laughter from Sean.

"Sorry I forgot the ice cream and bananas. We could have had banana splits."

"The ice cream would melt, and we've got something to stand in for bananas," Christian responded.

"I bet you'd taste good with chocolate sauce and whipped cream," Sean teased.

"There's one way to find out."

They got out of the tub, dried off, and took the champagne and snacks with them to the bedroom, sitting naked on the bed, not worrying about the sheets as they shoved the covers off on the floor and set the food on the mattress within easy reach.

"Those still look sore," Christian said, looking over Sean's shoulder, his fingertips skimming lightly over one of the marks on Sean's back.

"They are. It's not as bad as it was. You took good care of me when it first happened, so they're healing well. They just feel kind of raw and they burn sometimes."

"Just a second." Christian got off the bed and went to his closet, pulling out a blue silk shirt. He returned to the bed, and climbing back on the mattress with Sean, encouraged him to put it on. "It'll feel good to have that between your back and the sheets," he said. The shirt was large on Sean, and he looked at it, frowning.

"This is a beautiful shirt, Christian. It must have cost a fortune. You don't want to get whipped cream and syrup on it," he said, starting to take it back off, but Christian stopped him.

"Don't you think that making your back feel better while we're making love is worth a shirt to me? I don't remember how much the shirt cost, but whatever it was, if it stopped your back from hurting you, I'd pay it in a heartbeat." He leaned over and kissed Sean, whose arms went around his neck in a tight embrace.

Christian carefully maneuvered them so he could lay Sean back on the mattress, pillows beneath his head. He took a moment to look at his lover, the soft smile on his face, the silky shirt just barely on his shoulders and arms, the rest of him naked.

"That color looks good on you," Christian said, and Sean smiled, though Christian could detect a slight flush in his cheeks. "Brings out your eyes," he added, picking up the bowl of chocolate sauce. Sean just grinned, looking completely content to experience whatever Christian had in mind.

He dipped his finger in the chocolate and traced Sean's lips with it, surprised when Sean's mouth opened and captured his fingertip, licking the sauce off it. He leaned down and kissed Sean, their lips and tongues sharing the chocolate, savoring it and each other. Christian forced himself to leave Sean's mouth, drizzling a trail of chocolate down the middle of his chest, which he then licked away slowly. He smiled at Sean's little indrawn breath when he circled a nipple with a chocolate coated finger, then the other. He picked up a strawberry and used the cool tip of it to circle Sean's nipple this time, putting the chocolate tipped strawberry in his mouth and sucking it. Sean's eyes were riveted to his every move, his nipples hardened and his erection growing.

"I'd rather taste you," Christian said, tossing the strawberry aside and sucking the second chocolate coated nipple, lingering there with his tongue until no chocolate remained. Sean reached for a strawberry, dipped it in whipped cream and took a bite. Christian moved in for a kiss, their mouths opening together, sharing the sweet treat.

Christian moved down a bit, looking at Sean's semi-erect cock. Sean could sense the hesitation, the moment of decision Christian was facing.

"It's okay, Christian. Your mouth is welcome to stay up here with me and your hand can figure out the rest."

"Shhh," Christian shushed him. He remembered what it felt like when Sean kissed him there. Maddeningly light and yet it made him feel incredibly desired and loved. He dipped his finger in the chocolate again and ran it up the underside of Sean's cock, smiling as Sean gasped and his body arched at the touch. Getting bolder, he drizzled chocolate from the little bowl directly onto Sean's balls, dipping his fingers in the liquid and marking the insides of Sean's thighs with it, painting himself a map of where his lips and tongue would go next.

Setting the bowl aside, he dragged his tongue across the soft skin of Sean's inner thigh, licking the chocolate. Sean was getting harder, but Christian wasn't ready to let him off the hook just yet. He tongued the other thigh, sucking the skin close to where Sean's thigh met his body, leaving a bright passion mark.

He leaned down and licked the chocolate sauce off Sean's balls, sucking them into his mouth one at a time, cleaning them thoroughly. Sean let out a groan that sounded like a mixture of pleasure and frustration.

"Oh, God, Christian, you're killing me here," he gasped with a smile in his voice.

"You taste pretty good," Christian said, though he wasn't joking. He kissed Sean's inner thigh again.

"It's gourmet chocolate sauce, not the grocery store stuff."

"I'm not talking about the chocolate, sweetheart. I said you taste good."

Sean cried out when Christian took him in his mouth, sucking him in earnest now, no more teasing. He held onto Sean's hips, not quite ready for him to thrust up instinctively. He wanted to remember how to relax and let Sean's cock touch his throat without resisting it. That seemed more than he could manage, because he kept waiting for something about it to be bad. For Sean to somehow thrust hard into his throat, for that despicable odor or taste of a sweaty old man's cock to invade his mouth.

All he could taste was a trace of chocolate and Sean's flesh, his Sean, who was grabbing the sheets to cooperate with him and not thrust too hard. There was nothing dirty and disgusting, nothing brutal, nothing to fear. Just Sean and all the love they'd shared for a lifetime, and all they would share for the rest of their lives together.

"Christian, I'm coming," Sean warned, giving Christian the chance to release him and not take the come in his mouth.

Christian let go of Sean's hips and deep throated him, oddly glad he could do that when Sean shouted his name as he climaxed, and Christian managed to drink him down without gagging, until he gently released the lax cock and moved up on the bed, gathering Sean in his arms, sharing kisses that were a strange mix of come, chocolate, and strawberry.

"We still have a lot of strawberries and whipped cream left," Sean said, "and a good two hours alone."

"I'm all yours," Christian replied, smiling and flopping back on the bed, spreading his arms.

"Turn over," Sean said, and Christian hesitated a minute, then complied, settling on his stomach, head resting on his folded arms.

"What are you up to?" Christian asked as Sean left the room momentarily, then returned a couple minutes later with a small bottle in his hand.

"A little something I think will go well with the whipped cream," Sean said, straddling Christian's lower back.

"What are you doing, Sean?" The question was tinged with noticeable fear.

"Christian, I'm sorry," Sean said right away. "I was just going to give you a back rub. Teddy had this edible body oil stuff she left here. We never used it, but I thought it might be fun. Did you think I was going to try to screw you?"

"No," Christian protested a little too quickly. "I just couldn't figure out what you were doing."

"I wouldn't just sneak up on you with that."

"I know you wouldn't. I'm sorry. I'm just...jumpy, I guess."

"Maybe this'll help," Sean said, stroking the back of Christian's head with a gentle hand. "Trust me?"

"Always." At Sean's raised eyebrows, he added, "Almost always," with a little grin.

Sean coated his hands with the massage oil and then started spreading it across Christian's upper back and shoulders. His hands felt good loosening up tense muscles, and his bare thighs and crotch felt even better touching Christian's back and ass as he straddled him.

"Where'd you learn to give such a great massage, and why haven't you given me one before?"

"From Megan, and probably because I didn't know you'd want one from me until now."

"I guess I forgot she was a chiropractor," Christian said.

"She always knew when I was tensed up. I don't think it had much to do with her being a chiropractor. She just knew me...and loved me anyway," he added, putting more of the oil on his hands and moving down Christian's back.

"Smells like vanilla," Christian commented.

"That's what it is. Like the ice cream we'd use if it didn't melt too fast."

"Do you have a secret food fetish I don't know about?"

"Anyone who's tasted my cooking probably knows that's not true."

"Your cooking isn't that bad."

"It isn't that good, either," Sean replied with a smile. Sean's bare ass was brushing against Christian's now, and he groaned. Changing from the oil to whipped cream, Sean began coating Christian's ass with it. A moment later, Christian felt Sean's weight shift again, and then the hot wetness of his tongue making a path through the whipped cream on his right cheek.

"Holy shit," he muttered, humping the mattress just a little. Then the tongue was back, carefully licking his skin clean. Next, he felt a different sensation, and looked back to see Sean dragging a strawberry through the cream on his left cheek, then taking a bite of it, before dragging it through the whipped cream another time.

"Do you trust me?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Christian responded, no joking this time. Whatever Sean had in mind, he wanted to try it.

A moment later, he felt his cheeks being spread very gently, and the cool sensation of the whipped cream being put between them, over his opening. Then, he groaned low in his throat as he felt Sean's warm tongue start at the back of his balls and slowly make its way up between his cheeks, licking the whipped cream off his skin, lingering at his center, then continuing until it reached his tail bone.

"Oh, shit," Christian mumbled, rubbing against the mattress, stunned to be enjoying someone playing with his ass. He'd put up with it to some small extent with a few women he'd been with, but he never wanted to spend much time on it, especially after the rape. All he knew now was that he wanted Sean to do more. It might be the only time he'd have the nerve to offer the invitation. "I want you in me, Sean."

"You don't have to - - "

"I want you in me. I know I don't have to. I want you, Sean."

"Do you have any KY, anything we can use?"

"That massage oil's pretty greasy."

"Not greasy enough. Just a minute." Sean left again, and a minute later was back with Vaseline. "I love you, Christian," he said, lying down on his stomach, next to Christian, so they could kiss for a few minutes, to reconnect emotionally and romantically before making love. "I'll take good care of you, I promise."

"You always have."

"How do you want me?"

"I haven't done this very often, either," Sean admitted.

"You've never gone in the back door with a woman?"

"I've done it doggystyle, but only once or twice anally and that was with someone experienced, so I didn't have to have much technique. I tried anal with Julia and she hated it and I was lousy at it. Maybe this isn't such a great idea."

"You're not lousy at it and I'm not a virgin."

"You are to having it feel good," Sean said.

"Just take it easy and do your best."

"Turn on your side, and bring your knees up. You can relax that way." Once Christian had complied with that suggestion, Sean spooned up behind him and kissed his shoulder. "You're going to feel my finger."

Sean traced the tight pucker with a slick finger, before carefully easing his fingertip inside. Christian fought the urge to tense up, prepared for the pain. It felt odd at first, more like his annual physical than anything else.

"Relax, Christian." Sean snuggled against his back. "I'm going to stretch you a little bit." Christian started to stroke his cock while Sean's finger was inside him, and it felt good. When Sean found his prostate, it felt a lot better than when the doctor did it. He made a little pleasure noise, feeling less afraid of the sensation of something moving about inside him.

Sean's finger slipped out of him for a moment, and then two fingers were probing at his hole, carefully sliding slowly inside, letting him adjust to the intrusion. At first it felt too big, but it didn't hurt. It just felt full. It was nothing like being flipped over and impaled with a little spit or nothing at all. Sean's head was resting against his back, and he was just moving his fingers gently inside Christian, letting him get used to the feeling, as if he were in no hurry at all.

"Feels good," he finally admitted, and it was true. The occasional brushes over his prostate, the gentle motion of the fingers, the way Sean was lying so close to him.

"It's okay if this is all we do today," Sean said, kissing his back. "We've got our whole lives," he added, slipping his free hand around the front to take over the job of stroking Christian's cock.

"Go ahead," Christian urged, ready to feel more. He was ready to feel Sean inside him, to be connected that way.

Sean slowly withdrew his fingers, and Christian could feel movement behind him as Sean lubricated himself, then pressed the head of his cock against the slick opening. He pushed gently, and Christian gasped a little as it slid past the tight ring of muscle, and slowly filled him. He fought the urge to tense up and try to defend himself, and Sean must have sensed the momentary panic.

"I won't move until you tell me, love," Sean said gently, the endearment warming Christian's heart and reminding him that this was a world away from anything he'd ever experienced before. "I just want to be close to you," he added, rubbing Christian's stomach as the other hand still slowly stroked his cock. He felt himself relax, and Sean felt it, too, sliding further inside until they were fully joined.

"We're one person right now," Christian said, and Sean held him closer, fitting his body to the curves of Christian's.

"Thank you for being in my life," Sean whispered against Christian's back. He eased partially out and then slid back in, and waited. Then he tried it again, and it felt good. Christian angled his head back so they could share an awkward kiss.

"Move, Sean, it's good," he said, and Sean took him up on it, though it was a very slow and easy pace.

It felt good when it stimulated his prostate, and good as Sean slid slowly in and out. There was no awful pain, no bleeding, no fear, no reason to believe that the next stroke wouldn't feel as good as the one before it, or to fear that suddenly it would turn into something terrible. There was no sensation of flesh pulled beyond its capacity to stretch, no painful tearing. Just the one he loved pressed close against him, their bodies joined, making each other feel good, being completely one with each other. There was the total intimacy of body and soul between them, and when they came, Christian almost felt a sense of loss, knowing the part of Sean that had been physically part of him would soon withdraw.

"I love you," he whispered, his arms covering Sean's where they were around his middle.

"I love you, too." Sean's hand stroked up and down his front, from chest to belly, Sean's cheek against the back of his shoulder. "Hold my hand. I'll go slow." They laced their fingers and Christian squeezed a little on Sean's hand as he pulled carefully out of Christian. His muscles felt stretched and empty, but he was in no serious pain. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's beautiful," Christian said, turning over so they could face each other again. "I didn't think that could be beautiful."

"I didn't think I could feel any closer to you, or love you any more, but I do."

"I wish we could stay in this bed all night and just keep making love. We really need to go on that trip."

"Maybe we just need a nice hotel suite around the corner," Sean joked.

"No, we need to see something beautiful and amazing together."

"Like I said, we just need a nice hotel suite. The Sistine Chapel isn't going to be anything special next to you."

Christian felt a lump in his throat at those words, and he pulled Sean into a tight embrace, wrapping his leg around Sean to pull him as close as he could. Even then, he missed the complete connection their bodies had made. He let himself doze, unable to remember a time when he felt so acutely that all was right in his world.

********

Freshly showered and dressed in just their robes, Sean and Christian enjoyed a slightly flat glass of champagne together on the patio, stretched out on their double lounger.

"You think we could get away with not going to dinner tonight and just hanging out at home with our kids?" Christian asked, grinning at Sean.

"Tonight's one of the happiest nights of our lives. I think it makes sense to share part of it with our family and friends, don't you?"

"Okay. But later, you're all mine."

"I always have been," Sean said, and they kissed, then kissed again, regretting a little that they soon had to get dressed to go out. Lipo trotted out to the patio and stood near the lounger, barking once and looking hopefully at Christian.

"No food here, beast," Christian said, sharing a moment of eye contact with the dog. Sean had the uncanny feeling the two of them were communicating. "Where's your kid?" he asked, knowing that if Lipo was there, Rita had just brought Wilbur home from the park. A moment later, Wilbur appeared, climbing up on the lounger between them.

"We're going to a party tonight, what do you think about that?" Sean asked him.

"Can we have cake?"

"How about it, Uncle Sean? Did you get me a cake?"

"I thought you were partial to strawberries," Sean quipped.

"Actually, chocolate is my personal favorite," Christian replied, kissing Sean's cheek. Sean was a little surprised at the kiss in front of Wilbur, but at the same time, it was an innocent way to start getting Wilbur used to seeing them together as a couple. "Wilbur, you remember when we talked about how sometimes a girl can fall in love with a girl, and sometimes a boy can fall in love with a boy?"

"Yeah. Do you love Uncle Sean?"

"I always have loved Uncle Sean. He's my best friend. But now, we love each other the way people who get married do."

"I thought you were gonna marry Auntie Liz," Wilbur replied, confused.

"Auntie Liz and I love each other, and we both love you, but we decided we loved each other more like friends, not like people who marry each other. What do you think about you and I and Uncle Sean always living together, like a family?"

"I love Uncle Sean, too," Wilbur said, climbing up to put his arms around Sean's neck for a hug. Sean hugged him back, smiling at Christian.

"Uncle Sean loves you too," Sean said to Wilbur.

"Will Auntie Liz still visit?" he asked, settling on Sean's lap instead of the lounger. Lipo decided he should get in on the family picture, and put his front paws up on Christian's legs, making it clear he expected his share of affection. Christian stroked the dog's head.

"She's always welcome here, and she loves you, so I'm sure you'll still see her often," Christian said.

"Dr. Troy, I am going home for today. Wilbur was a good boy today, no problems," Rita said, poking her head out the patio door.

"Thanks, Rita. I appreciate you staying late on short notice," Sean said.

"My pleasure. Wilbur and I had a good time," she said, smiling. "See you tomorrow."

After Rita left, Sean looked at the clock. "We should get dressed, and I need to call Matt and make sure he'll be there."

"He's probably busy racking things up on your credit card," Christian said.

"I told him to get what he needed for school."

"He's not twelve anymore, Sean. He's a spoiled man."

"I recall a time when you were the one who was so indulgent and I was the hard ass everyone didn't like and tried to get around."

"I like you, Uncle Sean," Wilbur said.

"I like you, too," Sean responded, smiling. "We'll talk about this later," he said to Christian.

"C'mere, kid," Christian said, pulling Wilbur over to his lap for a hug. "Doesn't your poor old Dad get in on this lovefest?"

"What do you think, Wilbur? Should we give your dad some love?" Sean asked, reaching over and tickling Christian.

"Knock it off, Sean," Christian warned, though he was already laughing. Wilbur got in the spirit, adding his own little hands to the assault on Christian's midsection. Neither Sean nor Christian could remember the last time they'd really laughed, just sharing a moment of total goofiness. Wilbur's delighted shrieks when they turned the tickling on him were good medicine for the stress and fear they'd been living with during Christian's illness, and in the aftermath of Sean's bad experience.

********

"When are you going to move your stuff in here?" Christian asked, spraying on a little cologne while Sean leaned on the dresser, watching him. Sean was dressed already, Christian lagging behind a bit after helping Wilbur into his suit and dress shirt. He looked very much like a little Christian in his dark suit and red shirt. Sean was dressed in a taupe suit with a subtle monochromatic stripe and a slight sheen to the fabric. The cream colored shirt and the tie that nearly matched the color of the suit were a perfect compliment to Sean's coloring. He held the jacket of Christian's favorite dark Armani suit while his partner slipped into it.

"I know I don't have your wardrobe, Christian, but unless I can fit all my clothes in my gym bag, where would you like me to put my stuff?" he said, gesturing at Christian's loaded, meticulously organized, closet.

"I just don't want to feel like we're having sleepovers in each other's rooms. I want to do it the way married people do it. Getting dressed together in the morning, running into each other at the john, you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean," Sean said, with a soft smile.

"I'll move my stuff that I don't wear much to your room, if you'll bring the stuff you wear all the time in here," Christian offered.

"Now I know it's love," Sean teased.

"That's an understatement," Christian said, pausing in his preparations to kiss Sean, lingering there as if they weren't already running late for their own party. "You taste better than dinner," he said, grinning.

"It's the last of the champagne," Sean said.

"I've tasted champagne on someone before. It's you." Christian went to his night stand and turned on the small CD player there.

"What are you doing? We're going to be late as it is," Sean said.

"This party is in my honor, so we can celebrate life. This is the way I want to celebrate it." The first strains of "Moonlight Serenade" wafted into the room. Christian took Sean in his arms and started swaying them slowly to the music.

********

Matt hurried in the door, knowing he was late for the party Sean had asked him to attend, with Jenna if possible. His daughter in his arms, he followed the sound of music toward Christian's room. Halting by the semi-open door, he was stunned by what he saw. Christian and Sean were swaying together to some old love song, Sean's head on Christian's shoulder, Christian holding Sean's hand close to his heart. He couldn't remember ever hearing Christian sing a note in his life, but he could just barely hear him very softly singing the words of the old song in Sean's ear. He couldn't remember ever seeing Sean look quite so at peace, or so in love.

At first he thought they might be clowning around, but after a few seconds, it was apparent the moment he'd walked in on was no joke. Suddenly, he felt as if he were watching something more intensely private than sex. As the song ended, they kissed, a soft, sweet, prolonged meeting of lips with just a little tongue. Christian took Sean's face in both hands and this time, the kiss was more passionate, eager, as if he wanted Sean right there and then, as if nothing else in the room, or in the world existed. Neither of them even noticed they weren't alone. Their focus on each other was so exclusive it swept away everything else.

Sean pushed Christian back on the bed and they kept on kissing, until Sean finally pulled away a little, still lying on top of Christian, looking down at him with naked love and passion on his face.

Then Christian noticed they weren't alone, and raised up, dislodging Sean, who stood.

"Jesus, Matty, clear your throat or something," he said, and Sean looked positively stunned, and a little guilty, as if he'd gotten caught doing something he shouldn't have.

"Sorry...I, uh, didn't expect to have to, y'know?"

"Matt, this just happened in the last day or so. We were going to talk to you about it tonight," Sean said. "We didn't mean for you to find out this way."

"This is something weird that's happening because of the cancer, because you're dying?" Matt said, and the bluntness of it visibly stung Sean. Matt almost regretted saying it, but this was all so surreal. Part of him couldn't begrudge two people who had loved each other all their lives sharing the kind of passion he'd seen, especially when their love story was about to come to an abrupt and awful end. Another part of him wondered if that's why his father didn't stay with his mother, and why Christian never seemed to love anyone for more than a brief time.

"I'm not dying, Matty. This is about my living, about the fact that I love Sean with every cell in my body, and the fact none of those are active cancer cells. My diagnosis was a lab error. I'm in remission."

"You're going to be okay?" Matt asked, feeling the bottom drop out of his stomach. The thought of Christian dying was unthinkable. The thought of losing either of his fathers was something he'd been trying to come to terms with since he'd found out about the cancer. Now, they all had a reprieve.

"I'll have to get periodic lab work done just to make sure nothing recurs, but I got a clean bill of health," Christian replied.

Matt moved into the room and handed Jenna to Sean, hugging Christian, who returned it with a firm embrace.

"I'm glad you're okay," he said, for the moment not addressing what he'd seen. "I thought you were gonna marry Liz," he said, though he knew it was a lame way to bring up the obvious.

"I was, but I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, and as much as I love Lizzie like a sister, I don't love her the way I should to marry her. It's complicated, but some things happened that made me realize that I did love your dad that way."

"And Christian's illness was a wake-up call for me, when I realized we didn't have forever to dance around each other, flirting with it but never doing anything." Sean smiled at Jenna as she put one chubby hand over his mouth, giggling. He kissed the little hand and held it in his. "I hope you can accept this, Matt. It would mean a lot to us."

"I can't lie and say it didn't freak me out," Matt admitted. "But it's pretty obvious you guys are crazy about each other, and I'd feel like some kind of asshole to try to split that up."

Sean walked up to Matt and hugged him with his free arm. "Thank you," he said in a strained voice.

"You deserve to be happy, Dad. I think you are now," Matt said, stepping back.

"I thought this was going to be a big deal," Sean admitted, letting out a relieved little chuckle.

"So is tonight like an engagement party or something?" Matt asked, still trying to wrap his mind around his two fathers in that situation.

"It started out as a remission party, but I like your idea better," Christian said. "I'd like to make an honest man out of Sean - - you know, not keep him living in sin like this."

"Don't you think that might be a little awkward for Liz?" Sean asked. "I'm not saying we have to downplay our relationship, but I don't think we ought to make a big deal out of it when you just broke it off with Liz."

"You're right. But I reserve the right to celebrate all the good things about being alive," Christian said, flopping one arm around Sean and one arm around Matt.

********

Dressed in a black evening dress and stole around her arms, high heels, and carrying an evening bag, Teddy fit right in with the well-dressed and somewhat conservative crowd at the upscale restaurant. When Lisa, the McNamara/Troy receptionist called with the invitation, she wasn't aware yet that Teddy had been fired. Teddy didn't enlighten her.

"Could you direct me to the McNamara/Troy party?" she asked the host.

"Right this way," he said, leading her toward the stairs descending to the lower level. "I'm afraid dinner was served already, but I would be happy to personally take your order."

"Thank you, but I won't be staying. Tell me, do we have one of the rooms with the large video screen?"

"It was the only room we had open on such short notice, but our staff did a lovely job of decorating the room for the dinner party."

"Actually, I was hoping it was, because Dr. McNamara requested we have a tape played during the party - - I'm afraid I'm a little in the doghouse with my boss for not getting here sooner. Can you show me how to do that?"

"I can do that for you," he offered.

"Just give me a moment or two and then play it if you would," she said, handing him the tape.

********

"If I could have everyone's attention," Sean said, tapping his glass with his fork. "When we got the good news today about Christian's remission, I wanted to do something to mark it so I set up this party. Then I got to thinking that even a great party is fleeting, and time has really come to mean a lot to us over the last few months." Sean finally took out the gift bag he'd kept at his feet under the table and handed it to Christian. It was a small, glossy black bag with a pouf of red tissue paper inside. "So I got you this, Christian. I can't picture the last twenty-five years without you, and I can't picture the rest of my life without you, either."

"You didn't have to get me anything, Sean. Going through this, thinking I was dying, was difficult, but it led to the most amazing gift I've ever received." He leaned toward Sean and kissed him. "Oh, my God, this bag is from Cartier." Christian pulled the square box out of the bag and opened the hinged top. Inside was a platinum watch with a black face, accented by a single diamond at the twelve o'clock mark. "Sean, this is...stunning," Christian said, looking at it almost reverently.

"I had it inscribed," Sean said.

"When?"

"I actually got it before we knew about the remission, and I was waiting for the right time to give it to you."

"You were going to invest in a Cartier watch for a guy who wasn't going to be around to wear it?" Christian teased, smiling a little.

"You're worth a Cartier, Christian. For six months or sixty years," he replied, and a few of the women graced them with a chorus of "awwww."

Christian turned it over. Thank you for the best times of my life. Love, Sean.

"That's really beautiful," Christian said, his voice tight with emotion. He took off the watch he was wearing and handed it to Sean, expertly freeing the designer watch from its box, and putting it on with flair. "So's this," he said, checking out the watch. "Thank you." He hugged Sean.

"Thank you for being in my life," Sean replied.

"Congratulations, Christian," a female voice distracted them from the moment. Teddy stood at the table, smiling sweetly. "On cheating death and your relationship with Sean. No wonder he hasn't returned my calls."

"Teddy, this is totally inappropriate for you to show up here tonight," Sean said, trying to keep his voice low.

"I was invited," she replied, loud enough for everyone to hear her. "Lisa called me this afternoon. I'm glad she did, because I had a gift of my own to share with you two. No hard feelings, Sean. It's certainly understandable why things didn't work out for us, now that I know how things are between the two of you," she said. "Best wishes to both of you."

As if on cue, the large TV screen at one end of the room sprang to life with a grainy black and white image. The sound of leather hitting flesh rang out through the stereo speakers. Then the sound of stilettos on a cement floor.

"What else am I going to do with my pretty slave? Maybe I should use one of my toys on his pretty ass." 

"What the hell is this?" Christian demanded, standing.

"My partner has a ten-inch dick."

Sean was horrified to see himself on the large screen, naked, chained to the wall, his back marked from the whip while the dominatrix paced behind him, running the whip over her hand as she contemplated his answer. He couldn't move. He felt a rush of something simultaneously hot and cold sweep over him. Then the dominatrix appeared in the frame holding a huge dildo, just before a heavy object hit the screen, shattering it. Sean felt Christian's hands on his shoulders, and he was grateful for the steadying influence they had on his nerves. Now, if everyone else in the room would just disappear so he didn't have to look any of them in the eyes, didn't have to look up and see their horrified faces.

A moment later, the sound was cut.

"What was that?" Matt asked, approaching Sean and Christian.

"Not now, Matty," Christian said, holding up a forestalling hand.

"I think this is a good time for us to go home," Liz announced to the other guests present, holding Wilbur in her arms. "Do you want me to take Wilbur home with me tonight?" she asked Christian.

"That would be a big help. You still have some of his stuff at your place, right?"

"Yes, we'll be all set. Call me," she said, heading out of the room. The rest of the guests took the cue and filed out, the happy, festive tone of the party destroyed.

"Teddy did this. Where the hell did she go?" Christian asked.

"She left as soon as the tape started rolling," Matt said.

The Harbor Club's manager, an older man in a dark suit, entered the room.

"Someone will have to be responsible for the damages," he said, approaching Christian since Sean was still seated, his forehead resting on his hand.

"Who's responsible for letting someone walk in off the street and play any videotape they see fit for one of your private parties?" Christian demanded. "Don't worry about your screen. I broke it, I'll buy it. Just put it on the tab for tonight."

"Your tape," the manager said, handing it to Christian. "We don't condone this type of pornography at the Harbor Club."

"Isn't it obvious that they didn't choose to have that tape shown at the party tonight?" Matt asked, the anger plain in his voice. "You should be apologizing for letting this happen. You ought to eat the cost of that TV screen in the hopes they don't sue you and your fancy restaurant for your shitty security."

Sean stood. "Let's get out of here," he said to Christian and Matt.

The silence was deafening on the ride home. Jenna's occasional vocalization from her car seat and Matt's response were the only conversation as Christian drove them home in Sean's car. Sean spent most of the ride staring out the passenger window, hoping no one in the car looked at him or spoke to him. He was trying to envision ever walking into the office again, head held high, managing his staff, who had all been treated to a full visual presentation of the most humiliating and intensely personal moment of his life.

He was almost sorry when they did arrive home, because it meant explaining all this to Matt, and facing Christian after he'd gotten an eyeful first hand. The only person he didn't dread seeing was Jenna, who was too little to know what was happening, and therefore would still give her grandpa the same big grin she always did. So he busied himself extricating her from her car seat and carrying her into the house, while Matt and Christian went inside first.

"What the hell was that, anyway?" Matt asked as soon as Sean had crossed the threshold with Jenna in his arms.

"Give him a break, Matty," Christian said, pouring three drinks and swallowing his own in one gulp before pouring seconds for himself and setting the other two glasses on the table.

"Would you take Jenna so I can talk to Matt?" Sean asked, handing her off to Christian.

"I can put her down. She's way past her bedtime." He smiled at his granddaughter and kissed her cheek as he took her from Sean. "You don't have to do this right now. It can wait until morning."

"I need to do it now."

"Okay." Christian leaned over and kissed Sean, taking him a little by surprise. "Holler if you need me," he whispered, before taking Jenna with him to put her to bed.

Matt was sitting at the table now, having taken a drink of the liquor that was there, though he didn't look assuaged by it. Sean sat across from him, taking a swallow of the drink.

"I went to an S&M club with Teddy. I didn't know that's what it was. She told me to wear something casual, and to wear some leather."

"Do you even own anything leather?" Matt asked, and Sean was grateful for the slight levity of the question.

"A jacket, that's about it. So I wore that with jeans and a t-shirt. I almost looked tough," Sean quipped, and Matt actually laughed. "I thought we were going to a biker bar. I was scared shitless," he admitted. "I'm not exactly the biker type, and with Teddy, you never know what you're getting into. Given the leather and the fact we were on her bike made me think that's what it was all about. When we got there, it was pretty obvious it was a different kind of leather scene."

"You could've just left."

"You're right. I did exactly the very thing I always tried to teach you and Annie not to do - - I did something stupid because someone talked me into it, because I wanted her to think I was...I don't know...not uptight, I guess. And she had been telling me I needed to deal with my feelings about Christian's death, and that somehow this would help. She said that aside from the physical rush some people get from the pain, that it has some kind of cathartic effect. In other words, if I couldn't get the emotions out I was feeling about Christian dying, or was somehow holding them inside, physical pain would be a release valve that would give me an acceptable way to express pain."

"That sounds like a lot of bullshit, Dad."

"To me, too, now. At the time it made a sick sort of sense. So I went along with it. I also know that S&M often involves...toys. The feelings I was having about Christian's death that were giving me problems had nothing to do with an inability to confront my impending grief. I cried in the shower when I needed to. I didn't want to bring Christian down while he was planning his wedding, but I didn't have trouble tapping into the pain. I had trouble shutting it off. The feelings that were the hardest to cope with were the ones... I thought we were running out of time, and if we were ever going down that road, this was the last chance."

"To be lovers?"

Sean nodded. "I needed to know if I could handle it. I didn't want to break up Liz and Christian, if that's what he wanted. I thought maybe just one time..." Sean finished off his drink. "This is harder than I thought."

"You wanted to know if you could have sex with a guy, I get it. So you thought this was a chance to experiment."

"I guess so. I didn't handle it well. She thought I was experienced when I said what I said. I kept thinking maybe I could just push past the pain. I know, I'm a doctor, I should know better."

"I wasn't going to say that, Dad."

"Why not? I deserve it. I acted like an idiot."

"You were freaked out about Christian dying, so you did something stupid and self-destructive." Matt leaned back in his chair. "It's not like you're the only one here who's ever done something stupid when he was upset." He paused. "So, uh...are you okay? Is that why you were lying on the couch the other night?"

"When it was over, I didn't want to hook up with Teddy again. I got dressed and walked to a convenience store that wasn't too far away, and called Christian. He picked me up and took me to the office and patched me up. I guess it felt worse than it was. I needed some stitches, and I took it easy most of the next day. He gave me enough sedatives and painkillers to keep me sleepy until about dinner time."

"You think Teddy set you up to tape you?"

"No. The dominatrix gave me the tape back. She was upset that I needed medical attention and that she misread me. I guess Teddy knows her and told her there was a problem. Even this damn tape getting into the wrong hands was my own fault. She came to see me at the office, and I stuck the tape in my desk drawer and mostly forgot about it. With everything that was going on with Christian, and the lab work, and then we found out he was okay...the tape was the last thing on my mind. Teddy must have found out that I had it, and went looking for it."

"Why didn't you just tell me about this before?"

"I was ashamed of it, Matt. I had a hard enough time telling Christian."

"I'm glad you're okay. That thing looked like a baseball bat, not a dick."

"Tonight was the first time I actually saw what it was." Sean paused. "I could have lived without seeing it." He looked at his empty glass and got up to refill it. "Thanks for being so understanding about this," he said, taking a couple swallows.

"You've stuck up for me a couple times when I never thought you would. Cleaned up my messes, like Cara and Cherry." Matt was quiet a moment. "I was driving the car that hit Cara. Henry and I were high, we didn't even see her," he added, his voice strained. He looked up at Sean, expecting to see reproach or anger. Instead, he saw little change. "You knew, didn't you?"

"I wasn't sure until the day of the deposition, but I had a feeling. Not because I thought badly of you or didn't trust you, but nothing else made sense. Your devotion to Cara and her recovery, even beyond getting me to fix her face... I knew you were trying to fix something, set something right. Just like when you asked me to fix Cherry's face."

"You never said anything."

"I'm guilty of not wanting to see your future go the way of Henry's. He did something violent and intentional to that poor girl. You made a stupid mistake - - not unlike a few your old man seems capable of making. I didn't want you spending your youth in prison. So I kept my mouth shut, and fortunately, it all went away."

Matt stood and approached Sean, and they embraced. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're my son, Matt, and you having Christian's genes just makes you more special to me because you're our son. I'll always be here for you if you need me."

Matt stepped back. "Growing up, I always thought Christian was the cool one who'd have my back no matter what."

"He does."

"I know he doesn't think much of me hanging out here and you paying my way through college."

"He wants you to have a good life. We both do. Our opinions might be different on the best way to make that happen, but we both want you to be a happy, successful man who can be a good father to Jenna."

"I want that, too."

"I know. You'll get there."

"You know, Dad, what happened with that woman at that bar, it wasn't your fault. You just got in over your head."

"Thanks. I'm not sure I believe it, but thanks."

"I'm gonna turn in. It's been a long day."

"Yeah, you can say that again." Sean watched Matt head down the hall to his room, then poured himself another drink.

"Take it easy on those." Christian came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Sean's middle. "I have plans for you later that don't include alcohol-induced erectile dysfunction."

"I'm sorry about the tape, Christian. I forgot all about it being in the desk."

"I'm sorry about the tape, too, sweetheart, because I know how upset you are about it."

Sean closed his eyes and hung on to the endearment. Something about it soothed what was a very raw wound at the moment.

"I'm sorry it ended up embarrassing you, too."

"If you'd said I had a six-inch dick, I might have been pissed off, but you gave me full credit." There was a little smile in Christian's voice.

"You know what I mean." Sean wanted to share the humor, but he just couldn't muster any levity at the moment.

"Don't let Matt mess with your head, Sean. This wasn't your fault."

"He didn't. He was great about it."

Christian released his hold and put his hands on Sean's shoulders, urging him to turn so they were facing each other.

"What Teddy did to you with that tape was no better than what that bitch with the giant dildo did to you that night."

"Everybody we work with, Christian... How am I supposed to go into the office and act like nothing happened? How do I manage the staff after something like this? I don't want to even look them in the eyes let alone do their annual evaluations."

"We'll hire a new staff."

"That's great, Christian, then I can be responsible for all those people losing their jobs."

"Then we'll call a staff meeting, together, and we'll explain that it was an unfortunate situation you found yourself in during a very emotional and difficult time, not some hidden dimension to your life they don't know about, and that we hope they'll let it go as that, and not perpetuate what was an unthinkably cruel prank by gossiping about it."

"You almost make me believe that," Sean said.

"Because that's what it was. It's the truth, Sean. You don't hang out in dungeons in your spare time, you don't like to be hurt, and you sure as hell aren't an exhibitionist. That bitch raped you with that thing, and Teddy did it again tonight by running that tape at the party."

"I just wanted tonight to be really special for you. And this is how it ends."

"Yeah, terrible, huh?" Christian pulled Sean into his arms. "I'm standing here, alive, in remission, holding you in my arms in our home, wearing a kick-ass Cartier watch."

Sean had to laugh at that last remark, even if he still felt devastated and humiliated by what had happened. He stepped back a little, determined not to wallow in his own misery. What shred or two of celebration was left in Christian's morale from the evening, he deserved to enjoy.

"You know, I've been thinking about something," Christian said. "Maybe this isn't the right time to bring it up, but maybe it is. We have caterers, a beautiful banquet facility - - hell, we even have a great band - - all set up for two weeks from now. How about it, Sean?"

"How about what?"

"How about putting on our tuxes and marrying each other in front of God and everybody?"

"You'd want to do that after what happened tonight?"

"I wanted to get married. To commit to someone I knew would always be there, would help me raise Wilbur, would share my life and eventually, my death. I love Lizzie, and she's a wonderful friend, but I picked the wrong person to stand by my side at that ceremony. That person is you, and it always was. All that's supposed to change because something cruel and humiliating happened?" Christian took both of Sean's hands in his. "I know we committed to each other in private, but I'm asking you if you'll get up there in front of a few hundred of our closest friends and say some vows with me. Let's do the whole hearts and flowers and cake and overpriced food together. Let's have wedding pictures we can frame or put in an album. Let's let Wilbur show off his ring bearer skills. Let's dance to some romantic song at our wedding reception. Why should our commitment to each other be worth less than that?"

"It's worth everything to me, no matter what kind of party we do or don't have for it."

"Then let's treat it the way it deserves to be treated - - with a real wedding and a real honeymoon in Italy. Come on, partner, what do you say?"

"Okay," Sean agreed, smiling. It was hard to stay miserable in the face of Christian's enthusiasm, and getting harder and harder to feel as dirty and guilty when Christian was so vehement that the tape didn't matter, that none of it mattered as long as they were together.

"Okay," Christian repeated, smiling. "You don't have any problems with premarital sex, do you?"

"Only if I don't get enough of it," Sean replied. He picked up the tape and stuck it in his briefcase, which was sitting on the floor near the table. "We'll figure out the best way to destroy that thing in the morning," he added, as they walked back toward Christian's room together. Christian closed the door, and Sean pushed hm back against it, kissing him intensely, his hands grasping the lapels of Christian's suit. The fact Christian was too busy kissing back to scold him for scrunching a five thousand dollar Armani suit was proof of where the rest of their night was headed.

"You two really do have a hot time together, don't you?" Teddy's voice startled them from where she sat on the foot of the bed, legs crossed, a gun aimed at them.

"What do you want?" Sean asked, more anger in his voice than fear. "How in hell did you get in here?"

"A returned phone call would have been nice. Maybe the courtesy of telling me the reason you dumped me wasn't because someone stuck a dildo up your ass, but because you were banging your partner," she replied, matching his anger, and raising it a few notches. "To think I actually was worried about you. Whatever you got the other night, you had coming."

"Okay, Teddy, you're right. What happened at the club wasn't your fault, but I was upset, and I didn't handle the situation well. I should have called you back, and I should have told you about Christian and me before you heard it another way," he said, obviously trying to assuage her.

"You even put your partner up to firing me so you didn't have to face me."

"That was my idea," Christian said. "You've been a disruptive influence in the practice since you started here. Firing you wasn't Sean's decision, it was mine, so don't blame him."

"Oh, fuck you, Christian. The two of you are Frick and Frack. One can't take a shit without the other there to wipe his ass. If Christian fired me it was because he knew it was what you wanted, Sean."

"If you stop this now, Teddy, no crimes have been committed. Nobody's gotten hurt, and we'll just forget the whole thing. You're a doctor, for God's sake. You want to give that all up just to get back at me because I didn't call you back?"

"I cared about you. You obviously didn't care anything about me."

"I did care about you. I do care. I already said I was sorry for how I treated you. What happened with Madame Ramona shook me up and I wasn't thinking clearly."

"You were thinking clearly enough to rush into the arms of your partner. Tell me, is Christian really that big? I mean, if he's got a dick as big as that dildo, he should be in the circus, not the medical field."

"What's your real problem, lady? Jealous you didn't get a chance to try it out for yourself?" Christian goaded. Sean swallowed nervously and watched the exchange. Christian wasn't good at assuaging deranged people who wanted to victimize him. He'd antagonized Quentin when they were strapped down to surgical tables, and now he was going after Teddy. And just like with Quentin, he was trying to deflect the rage to himself, and away from Sean.

"Let's see what all the fuss is about," she said, gesturing at Christian. "Come on, let's see that famous Christian Troy saber."

"Teddy, come on. You're angry at me. There's no reason to take it out on Christian," Sean said.

"That's sweet. You're defending his honor, as if he has any. The staff filled me in on the Christian Troy legend. He's waved that thing around at enough women that showing it to one more shouldn't be a problem." 

"Fine," Christian said, unzipping his fly and releasing his cock.

"I bet that's pretty impressive hard," she said, standing, resting one hand on her hip while continuing to hold the gun on them with the other.

"Funny, I never could get it hard looking at you," he shot back.

"Oh, but you can get it up for Sean. You better start working on getting it hard, because you're going to need it to fuck your partner for me."

"You're insane." Christian tucked his dick in his pants and zipped them. "I'm not touching him in front of you, so you can just shoot me now and be done with it."

"You'd rather I killed you, when you just got a reprieve from the grim reaper? Or maybe you'd like to watch me shoot Sean instead. Then you can have a long, healthy life by yourself. Maybe I should make enough noise to wake Matt. Or I could just shoot both of you, Matt, and your granddaughter."

"Teddy, come on, I know you well enough to know you wouldn't harm a child," Sean said.

"Oh, really? Do you know me that well, Sean? Don't try me," she added.

"You're a doctor yourself. You know I can't do that to him this soon after what happened the other night without injuring him. You really think he deserves that because he didn't call you back after what your freak friend did to him?"

"Christian, just do what she wants. I know you'll be as careful as you can. Nobody's getting shot here tonight, and we're not putting Matt and Jenna at risk."

"That's the spirit, Sean. You know, I should have given you a try, Christian. You really are the exciting one of the two. Even now, Sean's already fallen into line and you're facing death just to piss me off."

"I've fallen into line because my family means more to me than some temporary pain and humiliation. If that's what you need to leave us alone, then fine. Tell me how you want to see it."

"Sean, this is bullshit. We can't do this without my dick, and I'm not doing it."

"That's okay, Christian. He can stick this up his own ass instead." She held up a dildo she'd had lying next to her on the bed. It looked suspiciously like the one in the video. "He's willing to do what it takes to keep me from shooting you, so we actually don't need you to participate."

"I can't just stick that thing in. It won't even go in me without some kind of lubrication," Sean said, and Christian couldn't believe he was actually thinking of doing something that awful to himself.

"You'll have to think of something. I'm sure you have lube in this room somewhere. Ah, here we go - - someone left a tube of Vaseline on the night stand. Gee, I wonder what that was used for last?"

"That thing'll tear him in half," Christian said, moving closer to Sean. He had no idea what he was going to do, but he didn't plan on ramming himself inside Sean and he wouldn't stand by while Sean injured himself to save them. "I'm not going to just ram inside him. This is going to take a little time."

"That's fine. I was hoping for a good show." She sat in a chair several feet from the bed, keeping the gun on them all the time. "Make love to him."

Christian leaned forward and kissed Sean on the mouth, lingering there a minute before kissing his way toward Sean's ear. "Trust me," he whispered.

"Do you two always have sex with all your clothes on? Let's see a little skin."

"Just ignore her and focus on me," Christian said quietly. He couldn't help but think of the perverted bargain he'd entered into with Burt Landau, how the twisted sex he and Michelle had been forced to engage in had made them both feel. He'd allowed that sadistic old asshole to manipulate him into that situation then, but if it was the last thing he did, he wasn't going to subject Sean to any more of this than he had to in order to maneuver them into a position where they had some chance for escape. Sean had already suffered enough violation and humiliation, and going through with it was out of the question for the pain and physical damage it would cause.

Sean had already taken off his tie, so all Christian had to focus on was unbuttoning his shirt. For once, he was glad for Sean's habit of wearing a t-shirt, since it gave him a way to "undress" him without exposing the marks on his back for Teddy's sick amusement. Sean pushed Christian's sport coat off his shoulders, and worked at the buttons on his shirt, though his hands were shaking enough not to be too effective at it. Christian helped him with it and threw the shirt aside. Somebody had to get at least partially naked to keep their captor convinced they were putting on a genuine show.

Christian moved them toward the bed, hoping his movements were natural enough that Teddy didn't catch on to the fact he was working to get the bed between her and them. He didn't know exactly how he was going to do it, but he knew he wasn't going to penetrate Sean for her sick amusement, and he didn't want either one of them shot, or Matt to walk in and be shot, caught unaware. He kept kissing and caressing Sean, who was trying to reciprocate, but Christian knew the cold sweat breaking out on Sean's skin and the pounding of his heart had nothing to do with passion. He knew how Sean's body responded to him in bed, and this wasn't it.

Christian eyed Teddy, taking in her smug grin and the lust in her eyes. She was shifting in her chair now, her free hand straying between her legs, rubbing herself as she watched them. He unfastened his own pants again, taking out his cock and stroking it.

"I'll make it as good as I can for you, Sean," he said, loud enough for her to hear it. He hoped Sean knew he wasn't going to put anything inside him. "Trust me."

"I do," Sean responded. Christian hated to take it this far, but he unfastened Sean's belt and tugged his pants down, leaving his boxers in place. He wanted them in a position where he could cover Sean if she fired at them.

"I love you," he said, taking Sean's face in both hands. "I need you to lean over the bed."

"It's okay, Christian. Do what you have to do." Sean's voice held a sad resignation to it, and turned away from him then and leaned over the bed, bracing himself on his arms.

"Look at me, Sean. I want to see your face when he's inside you," Teddy ordered, and he complied, though Christian could see the tremors in Sean's body. He didn't expose any more skin, but he did slide his hand inside Sean's underwear, watching Teddy arch a little in her chair as she held the gun on them with one hand and continued to pleasure herself with the other.

"You two really are hot together. Ever had a threesome with a woman in the middle?"

"Is that an offer?" Christian replied, unable to believe the opportunity this could give him to get out of hurting Sean or making some ill-advised move that could end up getting them shot.

"What do you think, Sean? Don't tell me you're not just the tiniest bit excited," she said, making her offer more obvious as she spread her legs a bit wider in the chair.

"What's in it for me?" he asked, straightening up, and Christian was relieved that Sean seemed to be on the same page.

"I get her pussy, you get her ass," he said to Sean. "You take us both at the same time," Christian directed at Teddy, who stood and hooked her finger in the waistband of her black thong underwear, sliding it down and stepping out of it without ever losing her aim with the gun.

"Get on the bed. I like being on top," she said to Christian, who opened his night stand drawer and took out a handful of rubbers, tossing them on the bed. He rolled one on, hating that his traitorous dick was getting hard. At the same time, it had to be in order to pull this off and get the gun away from her. She needed a huge distraction, and he had just the thing.

Once he stretched out on the bed, she hoisted her dress up to her hips and straddled him, keeping the gun steady, but not pointed directly at him. Before she could lower herself on his cock, there was a thud from behind, and the gun went off into the ceiling as she fell forward on the mattress. Sean used his discarded shirt to take the gun out of her hand and toss it on the floor. He still held the small decorative vase in his other hand that he'd used to knock her out.

"Nice shot, partner," Christian said, feeling a little ridiculous with a full hard-on in a condom and nowhere to put it. Knowing Matt would be rushing in any minute, he flipped part of the sheet over his naked groin and pulled himself into a sitting position. "Is she still alive?" he asked, and Sean checked her pulse.

"She'll be fine. I didn't hit her that hard." He put his shirt on just as Matt, predictably, burst in the door.

"What the hell's going on? I heard a gunshot."

"It was a wild shot," Sean said. "Everything's okay now. She broke in and was waiting in here when we got home. I think you should check on Jenna, just to be safe."

"Right, yeah, I will. Is that who I think it is?" Matt asked, referring to Teddy in her face-down, prone position on the bed.

"She was waiting in here when we came in. She had a gun on us the whole time until Christian distracted her and I finally found a use for this vase."

"I like that vase," Christian said defensively.

"So do I...now."

********

After the police left, and Teddy was en route to the hospital, already coming around, Sean stepped into the shower and stayed in there, letting the water rush over him, wishing he didn't feel as shaky as he did. They'd gotten out of it together, and Christian never would have hurt him. The police had been satisfied with the story that she was a spurned former lover looking for revenge, and Sean held onto the hope that she hadn't made copies of the tape. Maybe it was over.

Where in hell had Christian gotten a raging hard-on in the middle of it all? Sean didn't even get a twitch, and he'd been grateful to still have his underwear on throughout the whole mess. He'd been so nervous about having to make good on being penetrated when he was still in pain and healing from the ill-fated visit to Dragons, that he couldn't have responded if he'd wanted to. And he didn't want to - - not to Teddy, but not even to Christian when it was forced. When Christian was making love to him because someone had a gun on them.

Giving up on the shower making him feel any better, he turned off the water and stepped out, glad the door was still closed and Christian hadn't come looking for him. Normally, he loved having Christian in the shower with him. He loved even more how much Christian wanted him physically; that he lusted after Sean as much as he loved him. There was just something about the image of Christian, rock hard, waiting for Teddy to straddle him and ride his cock, that haunted him. That uncertainty of how far Christian would have gone, and whether or not he would have enjoyed it if they had screwed Teddy in some kind of perverted three-way. How much of the slightly lecherous look on his face was acting and how much was Christian Troy only inches away from sticking his dick in a hot, willing pussy.

Maybe he got off on sexually dominating someone who had been holding a gun on him. Maybe Sean had been so wrapped up in his own fear and embarrassment that he'd forgotten that Christian had been violated, too. While his partner never had any qualms about showing off his attributes, that didn't mean Christian enjoyed being forced to perform, or being forced to wag his dick around for some sicko's amusement. His well-timed erection had saved both their asses, literally and figuratively.

Sean turned and looked at his back, wishing the marks would just go away. They were much less painful, really only bothering him if someone slapped him on the back unknowingly, or if they rubbed too much on the sheets. Christian knew that, and didn't mind sacrificing a designer silk shirt just to prevent that while they made love. Deciding he was being an ass to even question Christian or why his dick was hard when it needed to be, he stepped into the clean shorts he'd brought into the bathroom and toweled off his hair, leaving it rumpled, tossing the towel on the floor. He went into the bedroom to find Christian stretched out on the freshly made bed, wearing a black silk robe, watching some old rerun on television. There was a champagne colored silk robe on the bed Sean couldn't remember ever seeing on Christian before.

"Naomi Gaines is doing a commercial for eyeshadow now," he said. "She looks beautiful."

"I'm glad. She deserved to get her life back."

"Put this on," Christian said, holding up the robe. "It'll feel good on your back, and you won't look bad in it, either," he added with a little grin.

"When did you get this?" Sean took the robe in both hands. It was so soft it felt as if it might melt in his hands. "It's beautiful."

"Yesterday. I just didn't have a chance to give it to you yet. Not quite the romantic night I had in mind, but I figured you could use a little cheering up about now."

Sean slipped into the robe. It did feel good against his back, much better than cotton or bed sheets. "Thanks. It feels nice." Sean climbed onto the bed and Christian held an arm out, waiting for him to lie down next to him, head on his shoulder. Sean was more than happy to be there, holding onto Christian with an arm around his middle.

"You know I wouldn't have done it to you, no matter what happened."

"I wouldn't have blamed you if you had to. I knew you'd be as careful of me as you could."

"Still hurts quite a bit, huh?" Christian kissed his forehead. "Stupid question, you don't have to answer it."

"It makes it hard to forget when it hurts all the time. Sometimes I worry that it won't ever feel good again."

"I know what you mean, Sean, but it will get better. That's probably not encouraging coming from someone who had phantom ass pain for six months, but for what it's worth," Christian added, and Sean chuckled. Only with Christian could he find humor in shared anal pain experiences. "When you made love to me that way, it felt good. It didn't hurt. I mean, I felt stretched out and a little achy afterwards, but it was good. And it'll keep getting better when we get more used to it."

"I loved being in you that way. I just feel like such an asshole for not being able to reciprocate."

"You got hurt, Sean. I wouldn't make you dance with me if you broke your leg, so I sure as hell don't plan on pressuring you to do that until you feel better."

"It's hard to wait so long to be able to stick it in something. I know that."

"So far I've had your hand and your mouth, and any other part of you I could hump. I'm not feeling deprived."

"I'm sorry you had to go through this shit with Teddy."

"We got through it in one piece, and hopefully she'll either get locked up or get therapy, but in any event, she won't be our problem anymore."

"You changed the bed. Again," Sean added, smiling. Christian had volunteered to change the chocolate and strawberry-stained sheets after their afternoon lovemaking, and now he'd done it again. "Thanks."

"It was that or watch an Andy Griffith rerun. I'd rather change sheets." Christian looked at his watch. "You want to know what time it is?"

"I'm glad you like it, Christian," Sean said, smiling.

"When did you get it? You said you got it before you found out everything was okay."

"I was going to give it to you for a wedding present, when you were going to marry Liz. I just wanted you to have something from me with you, to remember me once in a while when you were traveling and, you know, when you were planning to not be at the practice anymore, so you'd think about us and some of the good times we had."

"I didn't need a Cartier for that, Sean. Did you think I was just going to leave and forget about you?"

"No, not exactly, but I remember being married and having kids. It's a busy time, and your wife and family have to come first, and we thought time was so limited then... I didn't know how much time we'd have together, and I just wanted you to know how much the time we did have, meant to me. This way, even if you got busy with everything going on in your new life, you'd look at the watch and think about old times."

"Even if I'd married Lizzie and run off to Italy on our honeymoon, there's part of me that nobody could ever have - - the part that's yours."

"I'm really glad you're okay."

"Every time I look at this watch, I'm going to think about how lucky we are to have time to make more of those memories."

"Nothing else should matter when we've got each other, and we have a future."

"Don't beat yourself up because this other situation with Teddy or what happened at Dragons is still eating at you. I know it's not the first time we've been held hostage by some perverted lunatic, but that doesn't make it a more appealing way to spend an evening."

"Do you think she made copies of the tape?"

"Let's go see if we got the original." Christian got up, and Sean followed him to the kitchen where he'd stashed the tape in his briefcase. Sean took it out to look at it. "We need to destroy that damn thing before it gets anymore air play."

"This looks like the same tape Madame Ramona left with us," Sean said, looking it over. "There was a long code number or something written in black marker on it, and that's here. This is the original."

"My guess is she didn't make copies, then. If she had copies and other plans for them, I don't think she'd have given us the original."

"I guess it doesn't matter. Everyone we work with and most of our closest friends have seen it now, so short of airing it at halftime during the Super Bowl, there's not much more she can do to me with it."

"Do you want to keep that for any reason? Like suing Madame Ramona or Dragons?"

"I want it gone." Sean opened the top of the videocassette and began pulling the tape out of it. Christian went to the kitchen drawer and found a pair of scissors. Together, they painstakingly unwound the entire tape, chopping it up in small pieces until nothing was left but a pile of shreds that could never be effectively restored. As they dumped other trash on top of the pile of debris in a small trash bag, the first rays of dawn filtered through the drapes.

"It's history," Christian said, setting it in the trash can in the garage.

"I wish it was that easy to get it out of my head."

"That'll come in time." Christian pulled Sean into a hug. "Do you feel like you want to go to counseling? I'll go with you if you want, or help you find somebody."

"I don't think talking about every awful detail over and over again is going to make me feel any better." Sean backed away a little. "Planning our wedding and our trip might help, though."

"Getting out of here for a few weeks is probably just what the doctor ordered. I left a message for Linda to cancel our morning. We'll get some sleep and go in this afternoon."

"We can't keep cancelling things or we won't be able to afford to go anywhere."

"We've been up all night, and it was a pretty damned ugly night, so let's just get some rest so we don't inadvertently cut someone's head off in the OR. Our first surgery isn't until one, so we're good. Linda can reschedule the consults from this morning."

They got into bed, and settled on their sides, facing each other. Both were exhausted, and content to hold hands, and doze off together.

********

Being in the OR with Christian felt good. It felt right. Sean felt functional again, even if being at the practice made him uneasy since the previous night's unscheduled video screening. To the staff's credit, no one had been caught snickering and no one had given him any strange looks. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was walking through the office stark naked every time he passed the reception desk or stopped in the nurses' area to drop off or pick up a patient chart.

"Sean, can I talk to you a minute?" Liz asked, poking her head out of her office as he passed.

"Sure," he said, checking his watch. "I'm doing a consult with Christian in about ten minutes."

"This won't take long," she said, stepping aside as he entered her office and closing the door. "It's about last night," she began, as he sat in one of the visitor's chairs. Instead of going behind her desk, she sat in the other chair, turning it so they faced each other. "I had no idea you'd been through something like that, Sean. Are you okay?" she asked, reaching over and squeezing his hand.

"I'll be all right, Liz. Thanks. Christian took great care of me."

"I'm glad. I just wanted you to know that everyone here knows you well enough that no one is thinking badly of you."

"That tape doesn't really help my reputation. It sure as hell doesn't help my standing as one of the bosses around here."

"First of all, it wasn't on the screen very long. Christian had that glass of his airborne and headed for the screen before most of us could really see what was going on."

"Everyone's been very professional. I just feel like that's all they see when they look at me now, and I don't blame them. It's pretty hard to ignore something like that."

"Embarrassing things happen to the best of us, Sean. It's like when you were in school and something would happen that would make you swear you'd never show your face there again, and in a few days, everybody was focused on something else. Nobody's lives stand still. It's always worse in your mind than it is in everyone else's."

"You're probably right, it just feels pretty bad right now." He blinked a couple times, unhappy to have his emotions so close to the surface. "Sorry," he said with a little smile, brushing his hand past his eyes.

"People are more curious about what's up with Teddy. It was all over the news this morning that she was arrested at your place last night."

"She got in the house somehow, and she had a gun with her. We managed to distract her and disarm her, and called the police." Sean snorted a humorless laugh. "I sure can pick 'em, can't I?"

"You picked Christian."

"I guess everybody does at least one thing right in a lifetime, huh?" he replied.

"I hope it turns out well for you both, Sean. I really do."

"That means a lot to me. I hate the fact that we hurt you on the way to figuring out what was really there between us."

"Just try to remember that Christian is Christian, and he always will be. I know he loves you, that's obvious every time he looks at you. It has been for years. But I thought he was serious about making a commitment, and as soon as he was back on his horse, well..."

"You think he's going to cheat on me, is that what you're saying? That I should get ready for him to screw some bimbo he picks up in a bar?" Sean didn't mean for it to come out so harshly, but the part of him that had been unsettled by Christian's erection when he thought he was going to have sex with Teddy still was vivid in his memory. And it bothered him, though he'd have been loathe to admit it to anyone, including himself.

"I know you've had a rough time with the split with Julia, and now this whole mess with Teddy... You're my friend and I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"Christian isn't going to hurt me." Sean stood and headed toward the door.

"Sean, wait a minute." Liz was out of her chair and followed Sean to where he stood with one hand on the doorknob. "I didn't mean that I thought it would happen for sure. I just mean that Christian has a real problem when it comes to self-control. Maybe he'll overcome that for you."

"If I tell you something, you have to swear it doesn't leave this room. Not even to Christian," Sean said, his voice strained. "I need to talk to somebody about this..."

"Sean, of course, you can tell me. We're friends. I wouldn't break your confidence." She rested a hand on his back, since he hadn't yet turned to face her. "Is it about what happened on the tape?" she urged gently, since he seemed frozen there.

"No," he said, swallowing and turning to face her. "It's about last night, what happened with Teddy at the house."

"Sit down and tell me about it. You're not going to be much good to that patient if you're this worried about something."

Sean sat in the chair he'd occupied before, and Liz sat across from him.

"When we went into the bedroom, she was there, with a gun. The long and short of it was that she kept us at gunpoint and...she wanted to watch us have sex. Matt was in his room and Jenna was staying with us. There was nothing else we could do without endangering them."

"How far did it go?" she asked, taking Sean's hand.

"She wanted Christian to..." He closed his eyes. "This is hard."

"I can see that," she responded, squeezing his hand. "Take your time."

"She wanted him to screw me. He wouldn't. I thought she'd end up killing one of us. Finally, we started making love with her watching, but he didn't do what she asked. I told him to go ahead if he had to. I didn't want to lose him that way after we just found out we had some time together."

"Take a couple breaths, Sean." Liz scooted closer and rubbed his shoulder.

"She got turned on and wanted to get in the middle. I know Christian was thinking it would give us a chance to disarm her, a way for him to not have to hurt me to save our lives. We pretended we were going to do a three way, with her on top of him and me doing her from behind. When she was getting in position, Christian had this huge hard-on. I know he had to have one to make the whole charade work. I hit her over the head with something, since she had the gun pointed away from both of us for a moment and I was behind her...she got careless because she was turned on."

"That must have been pretty scary for both of you," Liz said, still patting Sean's shoulder.

"It's not even that. Isn't that awful? The thing that bothers me the most is that while she was straddling him, he had this raging hard-on. I mean, she demeaned him and violated him as much as she did me. I feel like such an asshole for even thinking this way. He was going to have sex with her to avoid having to hurt me."

"But part of you wonders where he got that big boner if he wasn't just a little bit turned on by her?"

Sean nodded. "He doesn't deserve the bad rap for this. He protected me, he would have died for me if it came down to that. I know the way he was moving us around that he was trying to get into a position where he could use himself as a shield for me if she fired at us."

"Whose body did he have his hands all over throughout most of that experience last night?"

"Mine."

"Did he even touch her, Sean?"

"I...I don't think so."

"I hate to break this to you, honey, but that big boner was for your hot body, not hers." She patted Sean's face lightly before sitting back in her chair. "He was making love to you when that was growing. Even Christian's doesn't spring to full attention that fast."

"I didn't think about it that way."

"Even if you get turned on, you can't go to full hardness in a few seconds. Plus, people often get aroused when they're sexually victimized in some way - - it doesn't mean they like it, or that they aren't still victims. Our bodies are traitorous things. You know, like a lesbian getting turned on because some guy crawls on top of her in the dark and pokes her a few times."

"Do you think Christian victimized you?"

"No, no, that's not what I meant. I just meant that sometimes our bodies react physically to the most inappropriate things, or things we shouldn't want, or maybe don't want on every other level, but our body has another idea. All I think you need to take away from this is that Christian already had that erection before Teddy suggested getting involved with the two of you sexually. He got it while he was touching you, not her."

"I feel like such an asshole. He doesn't deserve me doubting his motives, not the way he's treated me."

"Maybe it's not so much Christian you're blaming, as it is yourself you're doubting."

"You haven't suggested anything to me about Christian needing to be with women that I haven't thought about."

"What about you?"

"You mean with women?"

"Did you have any indications you were gay or bi before this happened?"

"No. I've never looked at another man that way in my life. But maybe I always kind of looked at Christian that way. He was always so handsome, so smooth with women...he has so much style... I've always been just a little in awe of him." Sean paused. "Don't tell him that, or I'll never live it down."

"Your secrets are safe with me," she said, smiling.

"I know they are." He stood up, and so did Liz. They shared a quick hug. "Thanks for listening."

"Anytime. You better go to that consult and land us a big job to make up for the last couple days," she quipped.

********

Christian was about to call the front desk to tell them to send the patient to him, that he'd start the consult without Sean, when his partner walked in the door, locking it behind him.

"Our patient's here," Christian said.

"This won't take long," Sean said, crossing the room and kneeling on the floor between Christian's legs where he sat in the chair behind he desk. He opened Christian's pants, freeing his cock, taking it in his mouth. The swiftness of all of it left Christian dazed, but his dick was springing to life even if his brain was taking a few extra seconds to catch on.

"Oh, yeah, you're getting good at this," Christian said, leaning back in the chair and losing himself in the hot, wet suction around his rapidly hardening cock. He touched Sean's hair gently, letting his fingers run lightly over the soft strands in a little caress he hoped let Sean know how much he was enjoying this.

Sean's hand found its way into his pants, fondling his balls, making him groan and mutter a couple unintelligible sounds. Fortunately, when he did come, he had the presence of mind to cover his mouth, because Sean's efforts drew a proper orgasmic cry of pleasure from the depths of his soul.

When Sean finally released his cock, he gently tucked it back into Christian's pants and fastened him back up again. Sean calmly stood and used a kleenex from the box on the desk to wipe the corners of his mouth, as if he were dabbing it with a napkin after a gourmet meal.

"Holy shit," Christian gasped.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Sean replied calmly. Straightening his clothes, he pulled out an antibacterial hand wipe and thoroughly washed his hands in case he had to have any tactile contact with their patient. Then he calmly sat in the chair next to Christian's and reached toward the phone to call the front desk and have the patient sent in. Christian intercepted his hand.

"You're just going to do that and then see a patient?"

"Why, didn't you have a good time?" Sean asked, one corner of his mouth turning up slightly. "I just wanted to do something nice for you."

"Do you, uh, want to wash out your mouth or something?"

"I'm not going to kiss the patient. I'll do that to you after we're done with her."

"Come here," Christian pulled on Sean's chair until he could reach him easily and kissed him, persisting until Sean responded, sliding his hand into Christian's hair, the kiss intensifying until they were wrapped in each other's arms and could barely force themselves to end it. "I love you," Christian said.

"I know you do," Sean replied, resting his forehead against Christian's. "Nobody else ever loved me like you do. I never loved anybody else the way I love you."

"I wish we could stay in here and just leave the rest of the world out there in the waiting room," Christian said, smiling with a regretful little sigh. He caressed Sean's cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"I think the rest of the world is out there in the waiting room. Our appointments are getting backed up," Sean added, smiling as Christian laughed.

********

Sean was sitting on the bed in his bedroom, leaning against the headboard. The wedding was coming up in a week, and both of them were taking responsibility for calling portions of the guest list and letting them know there had been a change in players since the invitations went out. For the majority of the guests, they'd simply sent out a tasteful card very briefly explaining that there would be a wedding, but it would be an exchange of vows between Sean and Christian, and noting a change in venue from the church to the country club where the reception was being held. The priest had declined to preside over a same sex ceremony, which didn't surprise them given the Church's stance on gay marriage.

Sean's first phone call, to Julia, was beginning to wear on him.

"Look, Jules, I'd just like to have some time with Annie before the wedding. I think it would make more sense for me to explain it to her in person," Sean argued, rubbing his temple as he spoke with Julia on the phone from New York.

"This is kind of a big bombshell to call and drop on me, Sean," she said. "'Christian isn't dying after all, and by the way, we're marrying each other'!" she paraphrased. "What about Liz? How is she taking this?"

"She's been amazing to both of us. I hoped you might be happy for us. Maybe at least happy for Christian, anyway."

"Of course I'm happy for Christian that he's in remission. I guess I'm just feeling a little foolish right now."

"Why?"

"All those years we were all friends, all the time there was a strain between the three of us because I slept with Christian and married you. None of that really mattered, did it? All the issues that defined my life for years really didn't matter, because it was all just secondary to what you two felt for each other."

"Maybe it was. Maybe that's part of what was wrong, but I don't think so. Christian and I had these feelings buried pretty deeply. I don't know if they ever would have come to the surface if something drastic hadn't happened."

"This is a lot of upheaval for Annie. I just got the kids settled here, and she's going to school - - "

"It's for a weekend, and she's my daughter, too, Julia. I want her to be part of this. We obviously can't have bridesmaids, but I'd like her to be a flower girl - - just to have some role in the wedding. Wilbur's doing the ring bearer duties, and Matt's standing up for us. I'd hoped to have Conor there, too. I can't believe you weren't planning to come to Christian's wedding when you thought he was marrying Liz."

"I wasn't. Liz knew that, and she was very understanding. With Ollie's death and just coming out here to New York... it's a lot to cope with."

"Were you even going to visit before Christian died?" Sean asked, not sure why it mattered now, but it did.

"He was going to be away with Liz."

"Not forever. I know, I was scared too that he'd get sick while he was traveling, or that...he wouldn't come back at all. But the doctor thought he had enough time to do that, and to be back home before the end."

"I didn't see a point in coming home to watch him die, Sean. I remembered Christian the way he'd like to be remembered - - healthy, alive, and full of himself."

"If that's all you remembered, then I guess you never really knew Christian anyway."

"You know what I meant."

"Yes, I know what you meant. I want Annie and Conor at the wedding, if I have to come out there and pick them up and fly them back here with me."

"You can't just demand that I fly them across the country. Besides, who's going to watch Conor while you're getting married? He's too little to sit through something like that quietly."

"You're not coming, not even to bring Conor?"

"Do you realize how much of my life was invested between the two of you? I don't think seeing you marry each other is really something I need to be there for."

"You're jealous?"

"Maybe just finished is more accurate. What's the point, Sean? It's always been about you and Christian, anyway. This soon after Ollie...she wanted to exchange vows, you know?" Julia asked, her voice shaky. "I kept putting her off. Maybe I just can't handle this right now."

"I understand. If Christian had died, I wouldn't have been up to dancing at a friend's wedding now, either. Just let me know the flight information for Annie, and I'll be sure we're there to get her at the airport. I know you're right about Conor. I just wanted to have him here."

"All right. I hope you and Christian are finally happy this way."

"We already are, but thanks. Take care of yourself. Give Conor a hug for me. God, I miss him so much. I'm serious about better visitation arrangements, Jules. When Christian and I get back from Italy, I want us to have some time with the kids so they get used to us together, and I want us to be an active part of their lives, more than we are now."

"We'll talk about it then. I'll let you know the flight details."

After he hung up, Sean looked at the short list of people he was to call personally. He made a few more calls, most of them being fairly short, sweet, and to the point. They ranged from surprise and then well wishes and promises to be there to courteous fumbling for an excuse. Fortunately, most of their friends and colleagues who were invited to the original ceremony were still planning to attend this one, and in good spirits.

Once he'd laid his phone aside, it rang again.

"Dr. McNamara, this is Detective Ryan, LAPD. I was at your home the other night when Dr. Rowe was taken into custody?"

"I remember you," Sean said.

"I wanted to let you know that we've reached a plea bargain in the case. She pled guilty to breaking and entering and carrying a concealed weapon in return for probation."

"She brandished a gun at us and tried to force us to have sex in front of her. She threatened the lives of our son and our granddaughter. Probation? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"Calm down, Doctor. Can you seriously tell me that you and your partner are prepared to testify to that in open court? Her attorney also implied there were some issues you might find personally embarrassing to have brought up in court. I'm a pretty good judge of character, Doc. I don't think you'll stay on board to testify if we take this to trial. Besides, given her state of semi-undress when we arrived, I'd say we'd be lucky to get a conviction on the charges she's pleading to."

"Even if we testified in court, you don't think we'd win anyway?"

"We have two able-bodied men semi naked with one hot blonde with her dress around her hips. No one got shot. The jury's just as likely to buy her defense - - that it was all a kinky sex game that you wanted because after your visit to the S&M dungeon, you wanted to take it to the next level."

"Oh, bullshit."

"Yeah, well, it's believable bullshit. Her lawyer screened a tape for us of you engaging in some sadomasochistic activities."

The words hit Sean like a ton of bricks, and he worked hard to keep his composure. That one mistake seemed destined to haunt and humiliate him over and over again.

"Dr. McNamara?"

"I'm still here," Sean said, his voice considerably quieter than before.

"The tape is evidence. Once the case is closed, it'll be returned to you. Dr. Rowe admitted she stole the original and made the copy from that, so technically, it's your property."

"Thank you. I'm sorry I blew up before. The issue with the tape...I had no idea I was being taped. There are a lot of personal issues behind it. I don't do things like that..."

"You're not being charged with anything," Ryan said. "You don't have to explain the tape to me. Whatever it might mean to you, trust me, it's tame compared to some of the shit I saw when I worked Vice. You're not the first person to get in over his head in the S&M scene."

"That's gracious of you, Detective. I guess the plea bargain is probably best."

"I know it's not the outcome you'd hoped for, but I will make sure a restraining order is part of her probation terms. If she contacts you or harasses you or your partner, her probation can be revoked and she'll serve the rest of her sentence in prison."

"How long will her probation be?"

"The max we can go for on those charges - - five years. Some crime victims get some satisfaction from filing a civil suit in situations like these, when they feel the criminal sanctions are inadequate."

"Money isn't really what we were looking for. Thanks for calling to let me know."

"If you have any other questions on the case, you still have my card?"

"Yes, I know I have it here somewhere."

"Good. Thanks for your time." With that, he hung up, and Sean broke the connection on his phone, tossing it on the bed. "Shit."

He took off his tie and tossed it aside, loosening his collar. He pulled the laptop onto his outstretched legs and opened it, determined to stay on track with getting his part of the wedding preparations done. He still had a few phone calls left that he was putting off, mainly to some of their more conservative colleagues, whom he figured would decline attending, or would be less than thrilled for the happy couple. It remained to be seen how being so open with their relationship would play out in terms of their practice, but Christian was convinced that their female clientele would have no problems with it, and that being Hollywood, most of their patients or colleagues would be more cosmopolitan about lifestyle and sexuality than to worry about their surgeons' sexual preferences.

It had already hit a few tabloids, since Sean's fleeting fame on Hearts and Scalpels still put him on the occasional gossip radar, but Christian had been right about one thing - - the world hadn't ceased to turn on its axis, and life went on. Of course, that was assuming that another stray copy of that damn tape didn't surface somewhere else when it was least expected.

He started typing a few random thoughts for his vows, but somehow sitting there with an expectant white computer screen and blinking cursor wasn't inspiring him. And it was damn hard thinking about love and romance when you were picturing a room full of strangers sitting around watching you being whipped and violated with a giant dildo. As if on cue, but with startling speed, Christian came through the door and jumped on the bed next to him, bouncing him and the mattress, setting a wrapped gift box on the bed between them.

"Thought maybe you were as sick as I was of trying to figure out what to write," Christian said, closing the laptop and rolling over to set it on the opposite night stand.

"It's a good thing I hadn't written something really meaningful," Sean scolded, though it was half-hearted. What he'd written was trite, stale shit, and he far preferred being with Christian to trying to write any more of it. With what was weighing on his mind, he couldn't have put into words how good Christian's presence felt.

"Is everything okay?" Christian asked.

"I'm just really glad to see you." Sean put his arms around Christian and held on, glad to feel Christian's arms around him.

"What's the matter?" Christian asked, sounding confused. "Things not go well with Julia?"

"Not all that great, but she's sending Annie out here for the wedding, so that's something."

"Just Annie?" Christian pulled back a little, but situated himself next to Sean so their shoulders were touching as they sat on the bed together.

"She thought that Conor wouldn't really understand what was going on, and it would be hard for him to sit through an event like that. She's right about that, I suppose."

"Julia's not coming, huh?"

"Nope. She said it was too soon after Ollie for her to go to a wedding."

"I guess I can see that," Christian said.

"We lost a few guests with the change in players. I knew we obviously wouldn't have Liz's friends there, and she's called most of them. Some of our colleagues either had commitments that had come up in the meantime, or have found out they're on call that weekend - - of course, most of them managed to wish us well. I guess it's okay with them as long as they don't have to see us touch or say anything romantic to each other."

"I ran into some of those. Half of them probably think we've been screwing for years anyway, if you believe Liz's office lottery story. It's not like we hang out at the golf course with those stuffed shirts anyway, so who cares?"

"I don't, really," Sean said honestly.

"Is that all that's eating you?"

"Teddy plea bargained to breaking and entering and carrying a concealed weapon. They're going to give her five years' probation and a restraining order."

"Shit, that's not much for what she put us through. She threatened to shoot a baby, for God's sake."

"They got a copy of the tape," Sean said. "It's my fault they had to take a plea. She told them what she made us do was part of some escalating S&M game I wanted to play. After seeing the tape, it all seemed pretty plausible to the cops."

"Damn."

"I know, Christian. I'm sorry this happened, that the tape blew the case."

"I couldn't give a shit less about the case. I care about you."

"I was so scared," Sean said, surprised himself at what was spilling out. "It hurt so much and I knew I was bleeding. It didn't matter that I was screaming. I wanted her to stop it but it didn't matter if I screamed or begged her to stop. I knew it was tearing me up because it felt like this fire inside me. I pulled and I pulled on the cuffs but they were so tight and they wouldn't give way. I just wanted it to stop!" His heart was pounding, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he was having trouble breathing. He felt like he was back in that cold cement block room in those restraints, powerless, terrified, and in pain. "I just wanted it to stop," he said again, relieved when Christian put his arms around him, holding him close. "I just want it to stop," he sobbed into Christian's shoulder.

"I've got you, Sean. I'm right here," Christian said, rocking them gently.

"I was so scared," Sean repeated, keeping his face buried against Christian. "The pain was awful and I thought it was tearing me in half and I'd probably bleed to death in that hell hole."

"I know, sweetheart. It wasn't your fault," Christian said, one hand lightly stroking Sean's hair.

"When it was over, I was shaking so bad I could hardly walk. I didn't know if I could make it out of there. She acted like it was no big deal. I thought she'd call for help or do something when she knew I was hurt, but she just undid the restraints and then left me there. I didn't understand how she could just leave me there bleeding like it was just nothing. Like I was just nothing."

"You didn't deserve to be hurt like that."

"Now I don't know how many of those tapes are out there, how many times I have to go through knowing that somebody else has watched me like that."

"The cops probably searched her place when she was arrested. I think they would have told you if there were more tapes found. She probably made herself a copy, and that's the one that's in evidence now."

"Detective Ryan said I'd get it back."

"This'll be over soon, I promise. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it'll get better. I'm going to find a way to make it better."

"You already have," Sean said, not yet willing to give up the shelter of being held close against Christian. For those moments, it felt so safe, like all the pain and the fear were held at bay. He savored that feeling, and treasured the fact he still had Christian to hold onto. His body was still shaking, all the pain and the emotions he'd experienced when he was violated having rushed to the surface, and finally gushed out in their frightening entirety.

"Just take some deep breaths, sweetheart. Your heart's pounding like a drum." Christian sat there quietly a few minutes, letting Sean calm down. "Everything's going to be all right."

Sean kept his eyes closed and tried to relax, focusing on the comforting sound of Christian's heartbeat beneath his ear, the familiar scent of him, and the warmth of his love that Sean always felt when he was close to him. Christian didn't rush him, didn't try to move him away. He just sat there on the bed, holding Sean, stroking his hair or gently patting his back once in a while. It wasn't until now that Sean even fully realized how deeply he'd been affected by what happened, what powerful emotions had been bubbling under the surface, beneath the tight controls he'd worked so hard to keep in place.

"I'm sorry," Sean said, feeling a little calmer now.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that, right?"

"I brought it on myself. I went there and let her chain me up to the wall like a dog. I thought it would be this playful, light stuff - - I didn't know she was going to beat me that way, I didn't think about safe words..."

"It went way too far. I'm just glad you're okay, that you called me to come and get you."

"I just needed to hear your voice and to know you were coming to get me. Once you got there, I could deal with it."

"Hey, look at me," Christian urged him to move back enough so they could have eye contact. He grabbed some tissues off the night stand and handed them to Sean to wipe his nose and eyes. "I brought you a present," Christian said, smiling. Sean couldn't help but smile back, Christian's beautiful smile as contagious as ever. "Come on, take a look at what I brought you." Christian kept one arm around Sean, and handed him the gift that was the size of a shirt box.

"What's the occasion?" Sean asked, surprised that opening the gift actually was making him feel better.

"I love you and I wanted to get you a present."

Sean smiled at that. It wasn't the present itself that was soothing the rawness of his emotions, it was the way Christian made him feel like the most important person in his world. He opened the box and pushed back the tissue paper. Inside was a silk shirt identical to the one Christian had given him to wear when they were making love, the one that had fallen victim to chocolate sauce, strawberry stains, and assorted blotches of whipped cream.

"We'll be loading up on clothes in Milan, but this is special. It's the same shirt, only in your size, that you wore the other day."

"It's beautiful, Christian, but I should be buying you a new one, considering the condition I left yours in."

"When we were making love and you were naked except for that shirt hanging off your shoulders, you took my breath away. It's a moment I never want to forget."

"Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that you see me that way," Sean said, fighting the lump in his throat.

"You see me that way now, don't you?"

"I have a little confession to make," Sean said, smiling. "I always have. I don't mean I always knew I wanted us to be together like this, but I always knew I liked looking at you, that even as a plastic surgeon, there was nothing I could do to you that would improve on nature."

"You're good for my ego, sweetheart," Christian quipped, "but I'm sure there are things that could be improved."

"You can have all the lipo and hair plugs or whatever else you think you need, Christian, but in my eyes, you don't need to change anything, because you're who I love to look at, not some synthetic version of you."

Christian didn't say anything, but he set the box aside and took Sean in his arms, kissing him and sliding them both down to lie on the bed. They spent a long time just kissing, content to relax together and make out, enjoying the love and the closeness as ends in themselves. And, with characteristic sensitivity to his partner's needs, Christian seemed to know instinctively that Sean needed the closeness, but wasn't really in the mood for sex right then.

"Feeling a little better?" Christian asked, kissing Sean's forehead.

"A lot," he said honestly. "How can I stay miserable when I've got you?"

"It would be difficult," Christian said with his usual flair, and Sean hugged him for finding a way to make him laugh, to make him feel on top of the world when moments earlier, he'd felt like he was in a pit he could never get out of.

********

After visiting two jewelry stores on Rodeo Drive and not finding what they wanted, Sean and Christian entered the third store on their list, a prestigious jeweler with a long history in the shopping Mecca. Once they'd browsed a few moments, an attractive older woman in a navy business suit approached them.

"How may I help you gentlemen today?"

"We're looking for wedding rings," Sean said.

"Which one of you is the groom?" she asked, smiling.

"We haven't decided, but neither one of us is willing to be the bride," Christian quipped, flashing her his best smile.

"My apologies. Let me show you what we have in men's wedding rings. Are you thinking of plain bands, or something more distinctive?"

"Definitely something distinctive," Christian said.

"But not too flashy. We're surgeons, so we want something we can wear all the time, that'll hold up to a lot of hand washing, and not interfere with our gloves."

"Something small, smooth and distinctive, then," Christian summarized.

"We have some beautiful platinum choices, which is a very durable combination with diamond." She took out a tray of rings with varying sizes and cuts of diamond.

"This one's nice," Sean said, picking out a simple band with three small, square, channel set diamonds.

"Look at me a second," Christian said, and Sean complied. Christian held up another ring under the light, then looked back at Sean. "This one."

"I like it," Sean said, taking the ring from Christian and looking it over. It was a platinum ring with a brushed top surface and a small channel of several diamonds across the top. To the right of the center was a slightly larger blue diamond. Overall, the ring was tasteful and noticeable, but not too large or flashy.

"So do I. That blue diamond is almost the same color as your eyes," Christian said to Sean, and they held each other's gaze for a long moment before the salesperson's voice pulled their attention back to the ring.

"It's a nearly flawless stone," she said. "A lovely choice."

"That must be the difference. The stone's only nearly flawless," Christian said, and smiled when Sean seemed so moved by the compliment that he started to say something but didn't, just looking at Christian with love. "What do you think, Sean? Is this the one?"

"Yeah, I think so," he agreed, smiling.

"Do you have two of these?" Christian asked.

"Yes, I do. Would you like to try them on?" she repeated.

"Let's see how it looks," Sean said, taking the ring from the salesperson. He took Christian's hand in his and slipped the ring on his finger. "Looks like it belongs there," he commented, "well, if it was a size smaller," he added, smiling, since the ring didn't fit properly.

"I'll get the sizing rings and we'll determine your exact sizes," the salesperson said. "I'll get the other ring from our safe," she said.

"You really think that stone matches my eyes?" Sean asked, looking at the ring.

"It comes as close to the original as we can get. Nothing exactly matches your beautiful blue eyes, sweetheart," he said, his tone exaggerated. Sean laughed. "Hopefully she can get the show on the road. We're going to be late for the cake tasting."

"What? Didn't you and Liz pick something out already?"

"I picked out something Liz liked because it was her ball game. This is our wedding now. We had a good time at the last cake tasting we did together, didn't we?"

"It was memorable, I'll give you that," Sean said, smiling.

"So let's go back and do it again, and this time, it'll be for real. For our wedding."

"All right, gentlemen," the salesperson said, returning with a contraption that looked like a giant key ring that held a bunch of metal rings for sizing. "Who's first?"

"Let me see the nine," Christian said, holding out his hand.

"I think your ring finger is probably a bit larger," she said.

"I meant for his," Christian said. "I need to practice putting a ring on his finger anyway, so I get it right on the big day," he said, and then she smiled, selecting the ring in the requested size and handing him the awkward set of ring sizers. Christian took Sean's left hand in his and slipped the ring on his finger. It fit perfectly.

"How did you know my size?" Sean asked, puzzled. "I didn't even remember it myself."

"I've been watching these hands since we were kids in college. I know every inch of them," he said, still holding Sean's hand, looking into Sean's eyes. Then, with a slightly self-conscious little smile, he removed the test ring and handed it back to the salesperson. "I don't need you to check my size. I'm a ten," he said.

"You can say that again," Sean said, giving Christian an appreciative look that had nothing to do with his ring size.

********

When they arrived at the caterers for the cake tasting, they were surprised to meet the same hostess who had presided over their cake tasting for Christian's and Kimber's wedding. She hadn't been the one to assist with Christian's and Liz's visit, but she was aware that this session was to override a previous one, with a different partner.

"You probably don't remember me, but I assisted you with a previous cake tasting," she said. "I'm afraid I misjudged your situation at the time," she added, smiling. It was obvious they recognized her, too, and to her credit, she was trying to get the awkwardness resolved up front.

"It seems you saw something we didn't," Sean said. "This cake is for our wedding."

"Oh, congratulations," she said genuinely, her face breaking into a huge smile. "I know you were pulling my leg a bit last time, but you two were just so lovely together. I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, we're pretty happy, too," Christian said. Sitting at the same table, he took Sean's hand in his and kissed it. "I'm not faking this time," he said.

"I have a cake I think you'll love. Let's start with that one, and work our way through a few of our newest creations."

"We're all yours," Sean said.

"If only," she quipped, and both men laughed. "I'll be right back."

"What are the odds?" Sean asked Christian.

"We keep using the same caterer. I guess we were bound to see her again."

"Hopefully this'll be the last time we do this."

"Oh, I don't know. It might be nice to renew our vows every twenty years. What do you think?" Christian was still holding Sean's hand, and Sean had made no move to pull it away. Buying rings, picking out cakes - - those were the times when you were supposed to be sappy and romantic, and he was determined to live every one of those times to the fullest with Christian.

"Maybe every ten years. We don't want to get too complacent with each other," Sean said.

"I'm not seeing that as a big risk, but I'd marry you every weekend if that's what turned you on."

"We'll just pretend it's the honeymoon every weekend. Saves a lot on caterers and outfits, and cuts right to the good parts."

"Here we are," the hostess said, bringing in a tray that held only one plate with one generous piece of a pure white cake with white frosting and sparkling silver leaves and curlicues for decoration. "All the decoration is edible, of course. The cake is white chocolate, as is the frosting. You can't see it well on this piece, but we also have silver hearts on the cake as well. This is a photograph of one we created recently.

"Wow, that's spectacular," Christian said. "What do you think?" He handed Sean the photo.

"It's beautiful. I think we should try it."

"If I remember correctly, you like to share," the hostess said, setting the single plate between them. Christian smiled at that and took a bite-sized piece of the cake on his fork. Sean did the same, and this time, they each fed each other a bite of the cake.

"Mm, that's exceptional," Sean said, his mouth still partially full. Christian leaned over and kissed him, lingering long enough to slip his tongue inside Sean's mouth briefly.

"No, that's exceptional," he said, holding Sean's gaze for a moment. "The cake's all right, too. We'll take it," he said to the hostess, who, blushing, shared the laugh with them. It felt oddly like she'd been on a very long journey with them to this moment.

********

"I'd offer you a penny, but I doubt you'd give them up for that," Christian said, joining Sean where he stood by the railing of the patio, looking out at the view. "Here," he handed Sean a glass of wine, then took a sip of his own.

"I was just thinking about tomorrow. About our trip. A lot of things."

"Geez, you don't look too happy," Christian said, and Sean finally looked at him instead of the view in front of them.

"It's not you or the wedding or the trip. Just some unresolved...stuff."

"You want to be a little more specific?" Christian urged. "I bet I can think of something that would make you smile."

"I'm sure you could," Sean said, smiling. "You always do. This just isn't the romantic conversation I want to have with you on the eve of our wedding ceremony."

"Oh, come on, Sean. I'm all for the romance, but you're my best friend before you're anything else, so screw the hearts and flowers and tell me what's eating you."

"I'm feeling pretty good. My back's okay except for a couple spots where the skin was broken. Well, and the knife scars," he added, sighing.

"We can get rid of those if they're bothering you, Sean."

"No, they're not bothering me. You did a fantastic job suturing them in the hospital when it happened, so they'll fade even more eventually. Unless they bother you."

"Of course not," Christian replied. "Except for how close I came to losing you. But if you mean do they turn me off or something, no, not at all. I don't even think about them that way."

"I feel mostly okay from what happened."

"Is there something you want to tell me about your asshole?"

"I guess I can't fault you for beating around the bush," Sean said, looking a little uneasy.

"There's no delicate way to say that. There wasn't when I talked to you about my lingering pain issues, and there isn't when we talk about yours. If I were just your doctor and not your lover, I would have examined you at least once, maybe twice by now. I didn't want to keep pressuring you about it, and I figured you'd tell me if you needed me to check something that didn't feel right."

"The muscles still ache a little, and it feels...I feel like it's sensitive."

"You had a couple pretty good tears there, Sean. The swelling and bruising were pretty intense. It's not odd you're still sensitive there." Christian paused. "You said you were thinking about the wedding and the trip - - you think you're on some kind of deadline to be ready for me to stick my dick in there?"

"It crossed my mind. Not because you said or did anything to make me feel that way. But we've made love a few times with me inside you, and I want to be able to give that back to you."

"You will, when you're ready. I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with you, Sean. Thanks to my remission, that's long enough for you to heal up properly with thirty years or so to spare." He set his wine glass down and took Sean gently by the shoulders. "It's not that I'm not looking forward to making love to you that way, but I'd probably be more nervous than you were to do it if I wasn't sure you were okay. Do you want me to examine you? Strictly business, as your doctor?"

"I was going to go see a doctor... Just because it's not the sexiest thing in the world to ask your lover to look up your ass for medical reasons. I don't think I could deal with somebody else touching me that way after what happened. I couldn't bring myself to make an appointment."

"We can go over to the office and take care of it right now if you want. I can tell Matt to keep an eye on Wilbur, and I think Annie's in bed already."

"Why not here?"

"I should use the scope," Christian said, hating to make Sean more nervous about this than he already was. "I need to actually see the tears I sutured, and I don't want to jab my finger in you without knowing what's going on in there."

"This just keeps getting better. I know you're right. That's what I'd do in your place."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't make it suck any less. I could give you a really small dose of Versed, relax you a little. If you're tense, it'll be more uncomfortable than it has to be."

"I don't want to be hung over tomorrow."

"You won't be. You slept off what I gave you last time in about twelve hours, and I gave you more than I'd have to for this."

"Okay. Let's do it."

********

Sean had put on a hospital gown before Christian started the IV with a low dose of Versed, and now lay on his side relaxed, not really concerned with what Christian was doing. That took a lot of pressure off Christian, who very gently examined him, used the small scope to check the healing process, and was pleased to find that Sean was well on his way to being fully healed from his ordeal. The swelling was gone and there was no sign of lingering damage. He couldn't really accurately gauge the sensitivity, since Sean probably wouldn't have felt most anything short of a very aggressive stimulus, but there was nothing physical to suggest he should be in any pain. Christian figured part of it was emotional and psychological, and the rest was probably just some deeper bruising or the heightened sensitivity of new skin.

He closed the gown in back and encouraged Sean to stretch out on his back, where he started before Christian began the IV. It didn't take him long to bring his partner out of his stupor, since he'd kept the dose very low.

"You're done already?" Sean asked, a little groggy.

"All done. You've healed beautifully, partner."

"I had a good surgeon," he said, something in the sleepy smile touching Christian deeply.

"You're my most important patient," Christian replied, stroking Sean's hair lightly. "If I can't take good care of you, I should hang up my scrubs."

"Maybe next time you touch me there, I won't need a shot of Versed to lie still for it," Sean said, his tone a little discouraged.

"You probably didn't need it tonight, sweetheart," Christian said, taking Sean's hand. "I think it was more for me than it was for you. I didn't have the heart to make you go through it with nothing and I wouldn't have been able to finish examining you if you were nervous or it hurt."

"Why do I still feel kind of achy and sensitive? Did you see anything?"

"Probably because you were a few centimeters from internal injuries when it happened, and you had a lot of raw, swollen tissue and tearing. You're freshly healed, and there could be some deep bruising you still feel. Plus, you know as well as I do that newly healed flesh seems more delicate than it is. People are afraid of hurting it, no matter what happened or what procedure they had done." Christian squeezed Sean's hand. "We're not going to try anything for a while yet, just to be sure it feels good when we do."

"I still feel kind of fuzzy," Sean said, leaning up on his elbows, rubbing his eyes.

"I'll help you get dressed and we'll go home and sleep it off." Christian helped him get dressed, though he was increasingly clear and able to do most of it himself. As they walked to the car together, Sean slid his arm around Christian's waist, and Christian kept a very protective arm around Sean, keeping him close to his side.

"Thanks," Sean said quietly.

"You're welcome, Sean," Christian replied, squeezing him a little.

"Not just for this, but...thanks for being in my life. You've always been the best part of it."

"You've always been the best part of me," Christian said, stopping long enough for them to share a kiss before getting into the car and heading for home.

********

"We're not blushing brides, Matt. I don't see what the big deal was about splitting us up to get ready," Sean said, buttoning his shirt. "Our tuxes even match."

"It's bad luck to see the groom in his tux before the wedding, even if you already know what they look like," Matt quipped. "You need help with the tie?"

"I'd be in deep shit if I did. I tied yours, remember?" Sean did manage to tie the platinum bow tie flawlessly. "You better go check on Christian. I've done his tie at almost every formal event we've ever been involved with."

"Okay, but it'll be the blind leading the blind," Matt admitted, leaving Sean to finish getting dressed while he went to Christian's room - - which was now the master bedroom and Sean's room was essentially vacant most of the time - - to check on father number two. He tapped on the door and walked in to find Wilbur sitting on the bed, watching Christian fiddle with his tie. Sean had done Wilbur's before getting dressed himself. "That's quite a vest and tie combo you've got there, Christian."

"Shit, it looks like Reynolds Wrap, doesn't it?" Christian asked of the fabric that had a beautiful sheen to its platinum finish, adding just the pizzazz to his black tuxedo that he'd thought looked wonderful when he chose it, even though he'd had to work on Sean a little to agree to something flashy and slightly a-traditional. They'd finally both agreed it would be a great tie-in to the silver cake trimming, and set their tuxes apart from Matt's and Wilbur's traditional black tuxedos and black ties. It was pathetic to feel this halved getting ready for a formal event without Sean, but the idea of getting ready separately had seemed kind of fun and romantic when they first thought of it. Now he just missed sharing the ritual with Sean.

"No, I like it," Matt said, laughing. "Dad's okay with his, so quit worrying about it. Geez, you guys are more nervous than a couple of brides. I think Dad misses you. He was worried about you getting your tie on straight."

"So he sent you? God help me. I should have let Wilbur do it."

"Uncle Sean tied mine really good," Wilbur said.

"Yeah. How about a tie dispensation so we can get ready here? Just let me go have Sean do this. It's impossible and it looks crooked as hell."

"I've been watching Dad. I think I can do it if you give me a couple minutes."

"This place is a sausage fest. We should have asked Liz to come here instead of sending Annie over there to get ready.

"Calm down, will you?" Matt made a few adjustments, and then smiled. "See, I told you." He stepped back and Christian inspected the tie in the mirror.

"Maybe you did inherit Sean's knack with ties after all," Christian said. "Let's get going. The sooner I get out of here, the sooner I get my partner back."

"You've got it bad, man. You've been apart a whole hour or so."

"One of these days, Matty, you're going to find the person you can't live without, and then it'll be my turn to tease you when you're all sappy and sentimental."

"I don't know as I'm ever gonna find somebody I'm as...connected to as you are with Dad."

"We've been together a long time." Christian smiled. "I didn't recognize it back then, but I loved him from the first time he tutored me. I was supposed to meet him at the library at eight, and I stood him up for two hours. I was with this girl," he said, shrugging. "I caught up to him walking back to his dorm. He actually waited there for me all that time. I was sure I'd blown it, that he'd tell me to fu - - well, that he wouldn't help me," he said, censoring his original comment in deference to Wilbur's presence. "But he still tutored me for the test we had the next day. In all the time I knew him, he never let me down. I never had a friend like that before...or since."

Just then, Christian's cell phone buzzed that he had a text message. "Just a minute," he said to Matt, picking his phone up off the dresser, smiling when he looked at the screen. He read the message, and a moment later, was clicking a response back.

"Don't tell me," Matt said, sitting on the bed next to Wilbur. "They're texting each other," he told his younger adopted brother, who just giggled.

Christian waited, and the predictable buzz came, which he quickly read and clicked in another answer. Then another buzz, and another answer. Then Christian tucked the phone in his pocket. "Okay, I'm all set."

"I don't believe you guys," Matt said, laughing. "Why don't you and Wilbur get a head start, and Dad and I'll bring up the rear?" Matt held Christian's tuxedo coat while he got into it. The black suit coat with the white rose boutonniere did complete a dashing figure. Christian looked good, and he knew it, and he couldn't wait to see his partner - - to see how he looked, but also to get that little tingle he'd feel when he saw the way Sean would look at him, with all the love and desire in the world.

********

The room Sean was waiting in, no matter how well appointed, was beginning to feel like a holding cell. He was ready to get on with the festivities, and the whole plan of keeping him apart from Christian was starting to get tiresome despite its romance. Their guests were gathering and music was playing, and they were stuck in back rooms so they didn't see each other, even though they lived together and had sex that morning...twice. Once was just nice, fumbling, sleepy groping in bed with a lot of cuddling and kissing, and the second time kept them in the shower until their skin started turning wrinkly.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Sean said, ready for any distraction and sincerely hoping that it was time to get the show on the road. He was speechless when Julia walked in wearing a beautiful pale blue dress, carrying Conor all dressed up in a little black tux.

"I didn't have the heart not to bring him for the wedding," she said, smiling.

"You don't know what this means to me," he said, taking Conor from her. "Oh, I missed you," he said to the little boy, hugging him tightly.

"Hi, Daddy!" he said happily, tolerant of the slightly smothering affection he was getting from his overjoyed father.

"Thank you for coming, Jules," Sean said. "Not just to bring Conor, but I'm glad you're here. It wouldn't have been the same without you."

"That's what Christian said," she said, crossing her arms, but smiling. "He can be pretty convincing when he wants to be."

"What do you mean?"

"He called to have a little talk with me a few days ago. Let's just say he convinced me that Conor and I were really wanted here this weekend, but he wanted it to be a surprise."

Sean was so moved that Christian had somehow pulled this off, and done it completely under the radar, that he found it hard to keep his emotions in check. He hugged Julia with the arm that wasn't holding Conor.

"Thanks again for agreeing to come. I do know a wedding has to be difficult, so soon after losing Ollie."

"Well, she believed in celebrating life, and if she were here, she'd have urged me to come. You look really good, Sean. I saw Christian a few minutes ago, and he looks pretty good, too. You're going to make a really nice looking couple in your wedding pictures."

"That's nice of you to say. I'm just glad all the important people in our lives are here now. Wedding pictures of our family and friends would have been incomplete without you and Conor."

"Daddy? Everything's almost ready," Annie said, joining them. Her blonde hair was upswept, with little ringlets framing her face. She had a very light eyeshadow and lip gloss on, and little pearl drop earrings. Her platinum tea length dress and matching strappy shoes picked up the color and sheen of the vests and ties of Sean's and Christian's tuxes.

"Annie, you look beautiful, princess," Sean said, and Julia smiled. "Looks like our little girl isn't so little anymore," he added.

"How does this work? Is one of you walking down the aisle, or...?" Julia asked.

"We thought of flipping a coin for that, but neither one of us wanted to walk down the aisle, so Annie and Matt are going down the aisle so they can be our witnesses, then Christian and I are coming in from opposite sides of the room, up near the front, so we can meet in the middle. Wilbur's our ring bearer."

"Matt said he'd carry Conor up, if you'd like to have him up front during the ceremony," Julia said.

"That'd be perfect," Sean agreed.

"I'll go let Matt know. I can take Conor, Daddy." Annie took her little brother with her, and went to find Matt.

"Well, this is a little strange," Julia said. "I always thought I'd go to your wedding someday, that you'd find somebody else. I didn't know how I was going to feel about that."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Maybe a little sorry that we didn't work. I do love you, you know."

"I know that. I love you, too. You don't know how many times I was sorry we didn't work," Sean added.

"I think I know. All those times you didn't want to let me go, or wanted me back. I always took comfort in the fact you were there, loving me like that. It was like a safety net. Maybe it feels a little like losing something that I didn't really think too much about having until it was gone."

"I haven't gone anywhere, Jules. I'll always love you, and you can always call me if you need me. I know Christian feels the same way."

"It's ironic...you and Christian getting married, and you and I being friends. I hope you two really are happy together." She hugged Sean quickly. "I better go sit down." With that, she left the room. A moment later, Matt stuck his head in.

"Okay, Dad, come with me. It's show time," he added.

********

The small string ensemble was playing softly as Annie began the ceremony by making her way down the aisle, carrying a bouquet of white roses. She took her place to the left side of the center, on the side where her father would be standing. Matt came in next, carrying Conor, and stood to the right.

Sean emerged from a door at the left side of the room, and Christian from a door at the right, moving toward each other until they met in the middle. Both refrained from touching just yet, even though it felt like a tangible physical need. Christian spoke first.

"Sean and I would like to welcome all of you, and thank you for coming to share today with us. We've taken a long road to get to this moment, and many of you have shared parts of that journey with us, and it wouldn't be the same without having you here to celebrate with us."

Sean spoke next. "And if our marriage can ever be legal in the State of California, you're all going to have to come back for another party and we'll get someone up here to preside over it. But for now, we decided this was between us, in front of our family and friends."

Turning to each other, Christian began, taking both Sean's hands in his. "I want you to promise me to never change, because I've loved you since I met you and I don't ever want to be with anyone but the person you are. I want you to always look at me the way you do now. I want you to promise me that you'll always love me for who I am, and you'll always see the best in me. I want you to always need me when things go wrong, and promise to need me just as much to celebrate when things go right. I want you to promise me a lifetime of raising and loving our kids together. I want you to promise me that you'll always be my love, my best friend, my partner, my anchor, and my home. If you'll promise me all that, I'll love you with all I am, as long as I live, and beyond, into whatever comes next." Christian's voice was strained as he finished his vows, and Sean reached up and lightly touched Christian's face.

"I do," Sean said, smiling, before starting his own vows. "I want you to promise to always remind me to laugh and enjoy life. I want you to make me take time to slow dance when we're late for a party. I want you to promise to always be there when I need you, and to always lean on me when you need me. I want you to always trust me with the best and the worst, to know that there's nothing we could ever face together that would make me stop loving you. I want you to promise to share with me the joys of raising our family. I want you to promise to argue with me when you think I'm full of it but stand by me anyway, to be my partner in our practice, and in our lives. I want your creativity, your sense of adventure, your ideas, and most of all, that smile I can't live without seeing every day. All I really want you to promise is that you'll always love me the way you do today, and that you'll be with me for the rest of our lives, because having you in my life is a gift that I'll never take for granted again. If you promise me that, I'll give you everything I am and all my love."

"I do," Christian said, smiling at Sean. Liz prompted Wilbur to walk up to them with the white satin pillow that bore their two rings. Sean took Christian's ring off the pillow first.

"I hope that whenever you look at this ring, you'll remember the promises we made today, and how much I love you," Sean said, slipping Christian's ring on his finger. Christian picked up Sean's ring.

"When you look at this ring, and I'm not with you, remember that wherever I am, I'm just biding my time until we're together again. I love you, Sean," he said, sliding the ring on Sean's finger.

"Daddy, are you gonna kiss Uncle Sean now?" Wilbur asked, and everyone, including Sean and Christian, laughed.

"Do you think I should?" Christian asked him.

"Yeah!" he said, nodding vigorously.

"Well, Sean, you heard the kid," Christian said, and with that, they moved toward each other, meeting in a kiss that felt like forever in coming. Eschewing the more tentative contact, Christian lived up to his vow to make Sean enjoy life by tightening his hold and turning the ceremonial kiss into a real one, with tongue, that lasted long enough to draw applause from their guests and leave them both a little breathless when it was over.

They hugged each other, and then started exchanging hugs with their children, and finally with the guests who started approaching to offer their congratulations. Kimber had been very unobtrusive when she arrived with Jenna, her presence raising more than a few eyebrows among their friends. Now, she approached Sean, carrying the baby.

"I thought you'd like to keep Jenna with you for a while so she can be in the family pictures," Kimber said, handing her to Sean, who gladly took his granddaughter in his arms. "Thank you for inviting me. You could have just asked to take Jenna for the day, I realize that."

"You're Jenna's mother, and for all the bad blood that's between all of us, we need to get over it for her. I don't want her picking up on stress between us all the time, and we want to have Jenna in our lives as much as possible."

"I'd like that," Kimber said, smiling. She became a little more serious. "Sean, I'm really happy for you and Christian. It's no secret how I've always felt about him, but no one could compete with you when it comes to how much he loves you. I hope you'll be happy together."

"Thank you. I know we will be."

"Kimber," Christian said, joining them. He kissed Jenna, and then put his arm around Sean.

"Congratulations, Christian," she said, giving him a little peck on the cheek. "I thought you should both know. I've left Ram, and I'm going to be working at re-energizing my career on my own."

"Don't you mean re-animating it?" Christian needled.

"I have a lot of options to pursue, but I'm living in my own place now, with Jenna - - I'll make sure Matt has my new address. Maybe sometimes when I'm working, she could spend more time with you both, and Matt, of course."

"Anytime. Just let us know so we're sure one of us or Rita is there," Sean said. His whole purpose in inviting Kimber and trying to "bury the hatchet" with her had been to get greater access to Jenna and to be sure they could monitor her for any signs of collagen, other bizarre enhancements, or any other kind of poor parenting practices.

The photographer approached them, and Kimber stepped back to be out of the frame. Sean took her arm and encouraged her to stay in the picture. Once it was taken, she was still smiling.

"That was very gracious of you, Sean."

"Someday when we're showing these pictures to Jenna, it'll be good for her to see us all getting along. This is her family, too, and you're her mother."

"I'll see you at the reception. Thank you again for the invitation," she said. After she left, Christian shook his head.

"You're good, Sean."

"It's not all bullshit, Christian. If we want to participate in raising Jenna, we can't just write Kimber off, as appealing as that is. At least this way, she feels we're not her enemies. Besides, I have no problem letting her think she's taking advantage of us for free childcare if it means we get what we want."

"Lizzie just gave me an earful for having her at the wedding. I told her it was your idea."

"Thanks," Sean replied, chuckling. "How did you get Julia here with Conor?"

"I called her a couple days ago and told her the truth. That part of you was missing without having him here, and that it didn't feel right to go through this milestone without all three of us together, the way we used to be." Christian smiled. "Mostly I knew how much you missed the little guy, so I wanted him here. I know how I felt when I lost Wilbur. We might not talk about it much, but I know how much it hurts to have Conor and Annie so far away. I also know that's probably why you're spoiling Matt rotten, because at least he's here."

"He's not going to do it on his own, so I can condemn him for that and let him flounder, or I can do everything I can to help him."

"You're a good father, Sean. I'm glad you're going to be in Wilbur's life, raising him with me."

"So am I. I just hope we can do enough for Jenna," he said, smiling at the little girl.

"It's time for pictures," Christian said.

The guests moved on to the room where the reception was being held, and the photographer worked with the family to take formal portraits before they joined their guests for dinner, cutting the cake, and dancing.

********

The dining room was decorated in silver and white, and the guests dined on stuffed shrimp and lobster and assorted gourmet delicacies. As dinner wound down, Matt stood to do his duty toasting the happy couple. Neither of them were quite sure what to expect, but he had been nothing but supportive since he found out, so they were looking forward to his toast.

"If somebody had told me that I'd be standing here making a wedding toast to my two dads, I never would have believed it. Nobody could have told me that Dad or Christian were into guys. Maybe it's good that I found out the way I did, because I could see that it didn't have anything to do with gay or straight. It was about that bond that's always been there between them. I walked in on them - - no, not doing that," he paused, and there was laughter from the guests, and Sean and Christian. "They were slow dancing. I thought at first maybe they were joking, messing around or something. But they were just slow dancing, at home, when they were already late to go out. And anyone who knows Christian will back me up on this - - I've never heard him sing a note in my life, except for maybe the 'itsy bitsy spider' thing when Annie was like, two, or something. He was singing to my dad, real low. It was like nobody else existed. They didn't even notice me there. I want to toast that kind of love, and hope that someday, somebody looks at me the way they look at each other, and that they have a long life to be together."

"We raised a good kid," Christian whispered to Sean, as they raised their glasses to acknowledge the toast. Both stood and they shared a quick three-way hug with Matt.

"I'd like to make a toast, if you don't mind," Liz said, standing.

"We'd be honored," Sean responded. The two of them sat down again, and she began.

"I think it's the 600 pound gorilla in the corner that Christian and I were briefly engaged," she began. "In old times, Christian probably would have teased me that I was the 600 pound gorilla in the corner," she said, and everyone laughed, including Christian, who knew he was guilty as charged. "I tried to be angry about this whole situation, but then I realized that Sean and Christian have always been meant for each other. It was always there in the way they looked at each other, loved each other, fought with each other, and then pined for each other until they made up again. I'm glad they finally overcame the barriers that were keeping them apart. I don't think I've ever known two people more completely in love with each other that I seriously thought could make a go of spending a lifetime together. I hope it's a long and happy one for both of you."

"Thanks, Lizzie," Christian said, speaking for both of them. Then they stood. "I want to drink to my partner. From the first time we met, I've loved looking into those beautiful blue eyes of yours. It's like you always saw the best in me, the potential...you wouldn't give up on me in med school even when there were times I was sure I wasn't going to make it. Just like our friendship, where one of us went, the other one better be welcome...you weren't going to be a doctor without me. We had a life to build together, and we did that, somehow, even without realizing we were marrying each other. We built a business together, raised a family together, and finally, found our way to each other this way. I've been searching for something all my life, and the first time we made love, it all fell into place, and I'm not searching anymore. I love you, Sean, and I'm so grateful you're going to share your forever with me." He tapped Sean's glass, and they embraced, holding on tightly for a brief second before Sean backed away, brushing his hand past his eyes.

"I knew I should go first," he quipped, clearing his throat and swallowing to keep his composure. "When I thought I was going to lose you, I experienced more than just the fear of having to say goodbye. Ever since I decided I wanted to be a surgeon, my hands have meant everything to me. I avoided playing sports in high school because I didn't want to risk breaking something that would reduce my sensitivity or jeopardize my goal. And now, they're my livelihood." Sean paused, his eyes filling. "But I would have given them both without even hesitating if I could have used them to bargain your life back to keep you with me. That's when I realized how much I loved you, because the part of me that defines me, supports me, has been the source of my greatest successes...meant nothing to me without you. The practice meant nothing to me. The only reason I wanted to live at all was because of Matt, Annie, Conor, Wilbur, and Jenna. I wanted to be the father, grandfather, and uncle they needed, and I wanted you to live on for them through me. I always knew it deep down, but there was no denying that what I felt for you didn't respect our gender, what anyone else might think, even what we thought, and all the barriers we'd put up over the years to keep it at bay. My light, joy, and reason for embracing life was all tied up in you. You have my heart, and probably always have since we were in college. It's always been you, Christian. I loved you the most, the longest, and with the most joy and passion," Sean said, not caring if a couple tears escaped. Christian was wiping at his eyes, too. Sean couldn't resist relieving him with just a little humor, "I mostly want to thank you for buying my lunch that day in the cafeteria to get me to tutor you, and not Joe Marshall, who was always neck and neck with me for the high scores, or it might have been him standing here instead of me."

Christian laughed out loud at that and hugged Sean, holding onto him for several long seconds while they both sniffled a little at the emotional words they'd exchanged. Then they raised their glasses and toasted each other, sipping the champagne and then giving in to a long, passionate kiss that rivaled the one sealing their vows. "There could never be anyone standing in your place, sweetheart," Christian said to Sean, not really addressing it to the guests, but not caring if they heard it.

The happy couple moved on to cutting the cake, and finally launched the partying in earnest by moving to the dance floor for their first dance. They'd spent some long hours downloading music and sifting through songs, but this one had struck a deep chord in both of them, and it seemed natural. The band singer's clear tenor sang the words they'd listened to together, sharing a pair of earbuds on their bed with the laptop between them, realizing they'd found the perfect song.

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished

For one more day with you

One more day, one more time

One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again, I know what it would do

Leave me wishin' still

For one more day with you

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl

I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second, say a million "I love you's"

That's what I'd do with one more day with you...

The other guests joined them on the dance floor, and the rest of the evening was passed with dancing, drinking champagne, and eating wedding cake. As the party began winding down a bit, there was one more surprise in store.

"This isn't much, but I couldn't really picture buying you guys dishes or something," Matt said, holding out an envelope that Sean took.

"You didn't have to get us anything, Matt. I know money's tight for you right now." Sean was glad Christian refrained from pointing out that it was probably Sean's or his money that Matt used.

"Grandma sends me money once in a while, and I've been putting that aside for something...I'm not sure what exactly...but I really wanted to do this for you."

Sean opened the enveloped. It was a reservation confirmation for a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel. "Matt, this is too much," he said.

"You guys shouldn't have to spend your wedding night at home with Wilbur and me. Annie's going to stay with Mom at Liz's. I've rented some kid movies and Wilbur'll be out like a light anyway after all the partying. Go have fun. You'll still have a couple days to spend with Annie and Conor before they go back home and you leave for Italy. Mom sprang for the limo that's out front to take you over there. I packed some stuff for you. It's in the car."

"I'm not sure how you pulled it off, but this was really nice, Matty," Christian said, hugging him. "Thanks."

"Thanks, Matt," Sean said, giving him a hug, too. "This was very thoughtful."

"Get out of here while the stragglers are distracted by the chocolate fountain," Matt said, indicating a few diehard guests who were making yet another visit to the chocolate attraction.

"We should get one of those," Christian said. He smiled wickedly at the uncomfortable look on Sean's face at his reference to their recent chocolate-and-strawberry escapade.

********

The white stretch limo delivered them to the Beverly Hills Hotel by late evening, and both were looking forward to relaxing and having some time alone together. Their room was elegantly furnished and decorated in soft pastel shades. The marble bathroom offered both a large garden tub and a generous shower stall, and their balcony overlooked the city, offering a beautiful view of the lights.

"You think Matt sold the silver to pay for this?" Christian joked.

"I think he did just what he said he did. I know Erica sends him money from time to time, so he must have been saving up for something and used it for this instead. It's not like we gave everyone a lot of notice."

"Trust me, judging by some of the stuff Lizzie was going through that people were sending us, we were far better off just asking people to donate to charity instead of buying us gifts."

"Feels good to be somewhere quiet, alone with you," Sean said, sitting on the foot of the bed and pulling off his shoes. "I'd forgotten what a bitch those things can be after a few hours," he said of the black dress shoes he used anytime he needed a tux for something.

Christian sat down next to him and took his own shoes off. "My partner taught me that the best way to get naked fast was to take your shoes off first."

"They have champagne for us," Sean observed.

"That's nice. But I'd rather concentrate on you." He reached up and touched Sean's face, gently turning his head for a kiss.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you how incredible you looked today," Sean said. "When you came out that door and started walking toward me, I was blown away."

"When you came toward me, I just wanted to be alone with you and make love to you and forget about all the people there." Christian kissed Sean again. "But I'm glad we did it, that we had the wedding, and all the trimmings. I always wanted that, when I found the right person."

"It was a beautiful experience," Sean agreed. "You were right. What we have together deserved as much ceremony and celebration as anyone else's love and commitment."

"It deserves a really hot wedding night, too, don't you think?" Christian asked, tugging at Sean's tie.

"You're pretty damn good at taking these off," Sean said, as the tie was removed and tossed aside with smoothness and flair. Christian slid Sean's suit coat off his shoulders, and Sean took it the rest of the way off, just as anxious to be out of it as Christian was to get it off him. Christian took off his own jacket while Sean removed his tie, and started unbuttoning Christian's shirt.

Christian returned the favor, and smiled as he started opening Sean's shirt and vest. There was no t-shirt there. "I thought I'd save you some frustration," Sean quipped, grinning. Christian smiled, leaning forward, kissing the hollow of Sean's throat, trailing his lips down Sean's chest as he continued opening the shirt and vest, tugging the shirt free of Sean's pants and pushing it back, taking Sean in his arms and kissing every part of his chest. Sean didn't mind letting Christian take the lead for now. They had all night, and he hoped this was how they'd be spending most of it. It felt good to be the object of such passion, and Sean never got tired of being wanted the way Christian wanted him.

They tipped back on the bed, and Christian was busily working at unfastening Sean's belt and getting his pants off, putting his mouth to work on licking and sucking Sean's nipples to hardness. Sean caressed Christian's head, relaxing on the bed and letting Christian make love to him. He lifted up and let his pants, underwear, and socks be stripped away, and he was glad to see them go.

Watching Christian stop long enough to throw aside his shirt and vest, then his pants and briefs, was as much of a turn-on as the touching itself was. He knew Christian worried, obsessively at times, about his looks and keeping them in defiance of the progression of time, but looking at a naked Christian leaning over him, he couldn't find a single thing he'd sculpt, enhance, reduce, suture, or otherwise re-do to make him perfect. He'd told Christian he was a perfect male specimen, but maybe he needed to hear it again, from his lover, instead of from his best friend and fellow plastic surgeon.

Sean ran his hands over Christian's abs and chest, letting them map the territory in lingering caresses that were ends in themselves. "You're really beautiful...you're more than what the best plastic surgeon could sculpt," he said, running his hands around Christian's sides to his back, pulling him down on top of him, loving the feeling of Christian's naked body pressing him into the bed. Christian just stared into his eyes a moment, as if he had to process that comment before answering. Sean knew Christian's self-image had taken a beating during his illness, and to some extent before, when his chance for fame had slipped away so quickly and unexpectedly focused on Sean.

"After the reconstruction, I wasn't so sure about that."

"I saw your scar, Christian, even before we fixed it. One scar, one natural flaw...it didn't matter. I understood why it bothered you, but when I saw you, you still looked like the same beautiful man you always were. Maybe part of that was the grace and dignity you had while you were sick. It amazed me." Sean traced with his finger the tiny line that remained from the implant procedure. "Even marble statues of perfection have lines, Christian."

"I didn't feel very graceful," he admitted. "I was pale and sick and had one saggy tit."

"You've never been anything but beautiful to me." Sean took Christian's face in both hands. "Time doesn't matter, an illness doesn't matter. Your classically handsome bone structure, your eyes, that smile that lights up your face...and everything for about ten miles around you...your charm and your grace...those are things we couldn't give someone artificially. What you are, we couldn't create, and we couldn't improve on it. It's an innate beauty and sensuality that can only be natural."

Christian kissed him hard, his tongue demanding entrance, possessing Sean's mouth with an intensity that would have been almost frightening with anyone but Christian. His hard cock rubbed insistently against Sean's body, and Sean knew his own erection was pressing against Christian, but neither one wanted to let go just yet. When they finally broke away from kissing, Christian moved down, alternating between kissing and dragging his tongue down Sean's belly to his navel, nipping at the edges of it, purposely keeping the touches light enough to make Sean laugh, finding the little ticklish spots and teasing them before moving down farther, ignoring the growing erection for a moment, pushing Sean's thighs apart and up, kissing and licking the undersides of them.

Sean clutched at the sheets, partly in arousal, but partly to steady his nerves. He liked the feeling of what Christian was doing, but he felt exposed, and as much as he hated himself for it, he felt nervous having what felt like a very vulnerable part of him so accessible. Still, he trusted Christian, and he knew his partner would never hurt him, and never do anything he wasn't ready for.

"Relax, sweetheart," Christian said, as if reading his mind. "I'm going to make you feel really good down here." He went back to Sean's thighs, his mouth moving over them as if he wanted his lips or tongue, or both, on every inch of them. Then he moved down to the tender skin behind Sean's balls, teasing it with his tongue, then sucking it, marking it.

"Oh, God," Sean gasped, his cock hard and longing for some attention. Christian wasn't finished yet. He started kissing around Sean's exposed opening, touching it with nothing but the lightest brush of his lips, and the occasional flick of his tongue. When he thought Sean had enough teasing, he guided his legs back down to the bed and took Sean's erection in his mouth, sucking him as if he were a better delicacy than any of the finest foods at their reception.

When he came, Sean felt like the orgasm came from the pit of his soul, or maybe somewhere deeper and more primal. He let out an unrestrained cry of pleasure, not caring if the whole world heard it. He couldn't remember ever letting out a cry like that in bed in his life, but the way he felt now, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

"You're beautiful right after you come," Christian said, moving up to lie next to him, leaning up on one elbow, smiling down at Sean.

"I know now why they call it the little death. I don't think I can move."

"You have to. I need that talented mouth of yours for some unfinished business," he said, nudging Sean with his cock. Sean laughed at that, loving that Christian was asking for what he wanted, that they were comfortable enough to not obsess over sex etiquette, and liking it even better that he was the one who could give him what he was after.

"Bring it up here," Sean said. "I'm not moving."

"Lazy ass," Christian teased, but moved up, straddling Sean, bringing his cock within easy reach of Sean's mouth. Sean took his time pleasuring him, licking and sucking at the large erection, stroking Christian's hip with his free hand, letting it wander around to his ass, rubbing and squeezing his cheek while he sucked, the dual sensation drawing a moan from Christian.

Trusting Christian to control his thrusts in this position, Sean took his hand off Christian's cock and began fondling the other cheek, so both his hands were on Christian's ass while the large cock was in his mouth. Despite his anxiousness, Christian took it easy on him, keeping his thrusts gentle and shallow enough not to choke Sean, since he didn't have the knack of deep throating in his repertoire of talents just yet. But he did have swallowing mastered, and he took in whatever Christian had to offer as he let out a loud shout, enjoying not having to worry about anyone overhearing it.

He flopped on his back next to Sean, letting out a long breath. "I'm going to try to learn to take it down my throat. I just can't seem to master it."

"There's no rush. Do you hear me complaining?"

"If that's a complaint, I'd hate to hear what you sound like when you're having fun," Sean replied.

"It's weird, but one of the worst memories I have is feeling like I was going to suffocate when that thing would go down my throat. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to throw up but I couldn't do that either because my mouth and my throat were blocked off. My throat hurt afterwards." Christian sat up, running his hand over his face. "And now, I'm glad I know how to do that because it makes you feel good. I like to do it for you and I'm glad I'm good at it. But another part of me doesn't want to make you do that, because I don't want you to feel those awful feelings, and I don't want to hurt you."

"What happened to you when you were younger...it's part of you, and it's kind of unrealistic for us to think that you'll never dig up any bad memories having sex on a regular basis with a man. You said yourself that what I went through had nothing to do with how sex would be between us, and you're right, it doesn't- - and when it comes to you being inside me, I know it won't be anything like that. Just because Troy made you do something against your will doesn't mean there's something wrong with you for enjoying the same physical act when you're old enough to handle it, and you're doing it with someone out of love." Sean sat up next to him. "Do you want to talk about it? Because it's okay if you need to get some things off your chest." Sean rubbed Christian's back gently, then slid his arm around him, resting his cheek against Christian's shoulder.

"I just don't want you to feel...used. I always felt used, guilty...dirty. He treated me like a sex toy with a heartbeat. He didn't care if he hurt me, he didn't care if I was tired or sick...or sore from the last time he did something to me. If I complained when I was little, he'd just hit me. If I complained when I got older, he just sweetened the pot with more money or another thing I wanted."

"Now you can see it as 'sweetening the pot,' but back then, that was the only love you got. A present, some money, the old bastard coming and then patting you on the head for a job well done." Sean paused. "I wish I could dig him up, revive him, and kill the piece of shit slowly, using all my skills as a surgeon to be sure he enjoyed it to the fullest."

"I thought he loved me. I know now he didn't care anything about me."

"He was a horribly sick, perverted predator. Maybe that was his version of love." Sean sighed, squeezing Christian's shoulders. "I could never feel used by you, Christian. I know how you feel about me. Nobody's ever treated me the way you do, in bed or out of it. We're both still new at this. If we ever do hurt each other, it'll be an accident, and it won't change anything. We'll learn from it together and move on."

"I'm sorry I brought this up now. Some romantic wedding night conversation."

"It's been a great wedding night so far. We're sitting naked on an expensive bedspread we've graced with assorted body fluids, and we still have all night ahead of us."

"Maybe we should take that champagne into the bathroom and soak in that big tub for a while."

"And then come back to bed and take advantage of not worrying about anyone overhearing us," Sean added.

"During our trip to Italy, we'll have our own villa in Tuscany for a few days. We could just skip touring the countryside and spend three days naked, just swimming, eating, and making love - - not necessarily in that order."

"I do still want that cooking lesson with the countess," Sean said, referring to one of the highlights of the Tuscany leg of the journey.

"I'll teach you how to make something Italian and you can come to my lesson naked."

"Just as long as I'm the only student, you've got yourself a deal."

They spent a long time soaking in the tub, sipping champagne, just stretched out together, talking about their ceremony and reception, and deciding little details for their upcoming trip. They dried off and went to bed, spending the first few hours taking a much needed nap, then woke up and made love again, relishing the romance and intimacy of their special night until the sunrise was just beginning to filter through the drapes. After breakfast in their robes in the room, they enjoyed a quiet walk through the hotel's lush gardens, holding hands and taking advantage of the last couple hours of quiet togetherness before they rejoined the real world again.

********

"This suite is incredible," Sean said, wandering around the top floor suite of the five-star hotel in the heart of Rome. Christian hadn't been kidding when he said they were going first class all the way.

"I stayed here the last time I was in Rome, but I just had one of the guest rooms. This time, I wanted the suite."

"Are you sorry we didn't bring Wilbur? I know you were planning to take him along when you made the arrangements for you and Liz."

"We have plenty of time to show Wilbur Italy. I wanted to concentrate on showing it to you this time. When I made those plans, I thought I had to do everything in a few months - - that I'd never have a chance again to show Wilbur the sights... He's still so young, I think he'll get more out of it in a few years."

"The view is remarkable," Sean said, looking out the glass panes of the doors leading onto their own private terrace.

"Let's have a closer look," Christian suggested, opening the doors and stepping out on the terrace. Sean joined him, looking out at the rooftops of Rome with an expression of awe.

"It's amazing," he said, leaning over the railing a bit to take in as much of the view of the city as he could from their vantage point. He smiled when he looked at Christian, who was watching him with a little grin. "What?"

"I can't wait to show you everything here, in Venice, and Florence. Take you shopping in Milan..."

"Your eyes lit up like Christmas when you mentioned Milan. Still planning on a whole new wardrobe?"

"All the top Italian designers have stores in Milan, Sean. I haven't been here in years. I'm overdue. So are you, my friend."

"I'll just go along to carry your shopping bags," Sean joked. "I want a few things, but I don't need a new wardrobe."

"Since when did 'need' have anything to do with shopping for designer clothes?"

"Clearly it doesn't," Sean responded, smiling. "Your clothes are beautiful, Christian, and they look great on you. Half your closet's Armani and the other half is Gucci."

"Then I probably should pick up some Versace for sure," he said, leaning on the railing.

"What's on our agenda for tonight?"

"I thought we'd just have dinner in the room and sleep off the flight...maybe make a little love while we're at it."

"Come on, Christian, you've been raving about the wonderful cuisine since we took off from LAX. We have to at least go to one of those restaurants you told me about. We could take a nap and still have time to go out for dinner."

"Okay, you win," Christian said, chuckling.

"So what's first on the agenda tomorrow?"

"Ancient Rome day - - the Colosseum, the Forum, the Baths of Caracalla."

"Roman public baths, huh?" Sean started unbuttoning his shirt. "There's a hell of a nice shower stall in there, and I could use a shower before that nap," he said.

"Now you're talking," Christian agreed, pulling Sean into his arms and backing them into the suite, pausing for kisses before heading to the bathroom, tossing their traveling clothes in a heap on the floor before stepping into the oversized marble shower and starting up the dual shower heads.

"Full sized soaps," Sean joked. "They really do spoil you here," he added.

"Let me show you the meaning of the word 'spoil'," Christian said, pressing his body against Sean's, holding him against the tiles while he kissed him passionately. Taking a bar of soap in his hands, he created a lather and setting the soap aside, started running his hands over Sean's skin in swirling motions. A moment later, he felt Sean's soap-slicked hands returning the caresses.

"I want you, Christian," Sean breathed against his ear. "I want to be inside you," he added. He kissed Christian's mouth, his chin, his jaw, working his way down to his throat. "I love you," he said against Christian's neck before sucking the soft skin gently, leaving a little mark. He moved around Christian's back, leaving his spot against the tiles. He turned the soap in his hands again, lathering Christian's back, tracing every inch of skin with loving, meticulous strokes of his hands. He pressed his body to Christian's back and slid his hands around to his chest, slick hands rubbing over Christian's nipples, pausing to gently roll them in his fingers, bringing them to hardness.

Christian covered Sean's hands with his, linking their fingers, angling his head back for an awkward kiss.

"There's bath oil on the tub," he said. "Let's use that."

"I'll get it," Sean said, kissing Christian's shoulder. He slipped out of the shower stall and returned a moment later, the little bottle of herbal bath oil in his hand. Christian felt him close by again, planting little kisses across his back, his chest brushing against Christian's back as his hand, slick with bath oil, gently slipped between his cheeks. Sean didn't breach his opening right away. For now, he just ran a couple slick fingers up and down his crack, his other hand straying around to pump Christian's cock.

Sean's finger slid carefully into Christian's center, spreading the bath oil and relaxing him. Then he added a second finger, carefully stretching and preparing Christian as the hand job was bringing him to full hardness. A moment later, Sean withdrew his fingers and Christian felt the head of Sean's cock against his opening, pushing slowly but steadily until it slipped inside him.

When they were fully joined, Sean wrapped his arms around Christian, resting his cheek against Christian's shoulder blade. He began to move slowly, sliding in and out of Christian. The movement felt good, and Christian began to move with Sean, until they fell into a perfect rhythm together. Sean stroked Christian's cock with one hand, while the other slid over Christian's chest and belly in long caresses. When they came, they came together, their shared climax sweet and intense. As Sean reluctantly slipped free of Christian's body, Christian turned and pulled him close for a long kiss. They soaped each other and let the spray of water rinse them off before stepping out of the shower and drying off.

They climbed into the lushly appointed king sized bed, settling among the ample number of pillows, snuggled naked together in the middle.

"I'm sleepier than I thought," Sean admitted, letting his eyes drift shut.

"The jet lag has a tendency to hit you like a ton of bricks if you don't get a little extra rest," Christian said, kissing the end of Sean's nose. "I set the alarm so we don't sleep too late, but if we have dinner around ten or so, we're still okay." He took Sean's left hand, and looked at the wedding ring there. "I never get sick of seeing this on your hand."

"Same here," Sean said, smiling and moving Christian's hand so he could see his ring.

"Close your eyes," Christian said, moving even closer. "Get some sleep and we'll hit one of the best restaurants in town." Once Sean closed his eyes, Christian watched him for a few minutes, the sight of Sean's peaceful face relaxing him until he dozed off himself, their hands still joined.

********

Sean woke before the alarm, turning it off. It was almost nine o'clock, giving them plenty of time to get dressed and enjoy a late dinner. He didn't really remember what time it was in Los Angeles, and he smiled at the realization that he didn't care. Christian was used to traveling out of the country and figuring out the time differences, so he'd rely on him to time calls home. He looked at the object of his affections, lying on his back, dead to the world, his head turned toward Sean, one hand next to his face on the pillow, the other arm over his middle where the sheet covered the lower half of his body.

Smiling, Sean leaned up on one elbow, settling in to watch Christian sleep, at least for a little while. He wished he had a knack with poetry, because he wanted so badly to find a way to express what he felt for Christian, how much in love with him he was at that moment, watching the handsome face at complete peace, but with the flush of good health in his coloring. He ventured to lightly touch the dark hair, feeling its softness under his fingers, looking at the dark brows and dark lashes that would open to frame those striking blue eyes.

Sean had always felt conflicted about the existence of God up in the Heavens running things. Part of him wanted to dismiss all that in the name of science, and yet another part of him longed to believe in the soul, in eternity, in miracles. Christian's life being spared had a very mundane explanation - - someone wasn't watching what he was doing with labeling some samples in a lab. No miracles there. But Christian did beat the cancer, did send it packing into remission. That, too, was science. And yet part of it felt miraculous. Christian was a gift. He always had been, but even more so now. Part of Sean harbored an unspeakable fear deep inside...that someday, the cancer would come back. His eyes filled at the thought, and he blinked the moisture away. There was no point in becoming obsessed with the fear of what would probably never be.

Maybe he longed for the faith to pray to a benevolent and fatherly God who would let him have Christian forever, not tear him away at some other premature time after they had rejoiced so fully in planning their future together, in being given their tomorrows back.

Banishing the sobering thoughts, he went back to just watching his lover sleeping, not quite ready to disturb him and shatter the fragile moment of just being near him, watching him, being in love with him.

********

Rome held all the historic richness it was purported to have. Sean found himself giving their new digital camera a vigorous workout as they walked the same paths as the ancient Romans, visiting the Coliseum, the Forum, the Arch of Constantine, Palatine Hill, and anything else of historic significance in the immediate area. There was no need for a tour guide; Christian could prattle off the top of his head the pertinent history of each site they visited. For a student who had to be dragged through some of their med school classes screaming and kicking, Christian was in his element amidst the stone reminders of the pageantry and power of the old Roman Empire. He loved Italy and its attractions, and he was relishing showing all of it to Sean, who was an eager tourist, never having seen anything beyond the US borders.

Sean resolved that soon, they'd make return trips here and to other places overseas with Matt, Annie, Wilbur, Conor, and Jenna, as soon as the youngest in the group were old enough to take in the sights. The thought of navigating Europe with three small children in tow caused him to amend that thought to include one small child per trip, but even so, he wanted his children and grandchild to experience the same awe he felt himself at being immersed in such remarkable history.

During their three days in Rome, they managed to take a tour of the Catacombs, visit the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel, and spend a long afternoon touring a few of the most renowned museums. As the sun set on their third day in Rome, Sean had to admit he'd had a workout, since Christian was a tireless tourist. As they sat in an open air cafe enjoying chocolate gelato, he was grateful to be sitting instead of walking for a while.

"You look tired," Christian said, pulling his designer sunglasses down just a bit to look at Sean.

"I am, a little, but I'm having a great time," he said. There was no way he would do anything to dampen Christian's enthusiasm for this trip, and he'd get his second wind before they hit Florence the next day. The mixture of plentiful wine and a panorama of rich foods hadn't done his stomach any favors by the previous night, but he'd given himself a break today and managed to find some lighter alternatives that had him feeling back to his usual self.

"Stomach still okay?"

"Fine. Don't worry about me, Christian, I'm fine."

"I love you. That means I get to worry about you." Christian covered Sean's hand with his own. "Why didn't we ever take a trip together before?"

"When you were available, I was married, and when I was available, you were with someone. If I took a vacation, I had to take one with the family when I was with Julia. I took so little time off that I couldn't really get away with going with you."

"We just never took any 'buddy trips,' you know?"

"We don't fish, we don't golf, we don't hunt...any other sort of trip we'd take, the women in our lives would want to be in on. I couldn't really go with you to Italy and leave my wife and kids at home."

"I guess not. This is going to sound weird, but in all the years we've been together, we haven't had time to just have fun together. Go on a vacation. Be together when we weren't working or worrying about something."

"Before we got together, before everything with Liz and..."

"The cancer. You can say it, Sean. It's not like the old Bloody Mary legend - - it won't come back because you say it five times." Christian was trying for humor, but truth be told, Sean almost did dread saying the word. As if some renegade cells in Christian's body would hear him, or worse, that Higher Power he was so conflicted about would hear it and decide to smite them with it again. "Sean," Christian squeezed his hand. "I'm okay."

"I know. It's just hard to say the word. Crazy, isn't it? Here I am, a surgeon, and I'm afraid to say that word about you, as if it's some kind of curse."

"Then we don't have to say it."

"Are you ever afraid of it?" Sean asked, not wanting to talk about it, and yet needing to talk to Christian about what was a very real fear lurking in the back of his mind.

"I know it could come back, but I refuse to live in fear of it. But sure, it damn near killed me. I'm afraid of it. What it could take away from us. I just have to be committed to staying healthy, getting checked regularly, and if it ever pops up again, giving the bitch the same run for its money I gave it the last time."

"I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't mean to spoil what's been a terrific day."

"You didn't. You couldn't. I'm sitting in the sunshine in Rome, holding your hand, showing you all the places and things I love, and tonight, we're having a private moonlit dinner on our terrace overlooking the hotel's garden, and then we'll probably spend most of the night making love," he said, kissing the back of Sean's hand. "How could you possibly ruin that?"

"Moonlit dinner on the terrace, huh? Sounds like the best part of the whole day. Well, except for the making love part that comes afterwards," he added, grinning.

"If you're a good boy, I'll give you a foot massage when we get back to the hotel."

"Just name your price," Sean quipped, laughing.

"You started to say something before, when we got sidetracked."

"I was just going to say that the last year or so, living with you and Wilbur? I've had some of the happiest times of my life. Living with you has been great. It's why I talked about getting my own place once in a while but never did. I loved being with you, raising Wilbur with you. We really haven't had a lot of time together outside work, for all the years we've been together. It's been really special. I know you didn't have to take me in when you moved out here. You could have left me in my crappy little apartment."

"Oh, bullshit. There's no way I was going live it up in the Hollywood Hills while you were eating TV dinners in that rathole. Besides, living the dream was a hell of a lot more fun with you there to share it. Anyway, you weren't a penniless boarder for very long."

"Long enough," Sean replied.

"You up for one last stop before we head back to the hotel?"

"Sure."

"I thought we could hit a few of the shops, maybe pick up a few souvenirs."

"Sounds like a good idea, since this is our last day here. I want to get the kids something in each city we visit."

"Next year, we'll bring Annie clothes shopping in Milan for back to school."

"And you're worried about me spoiling Matt?" Sean asked, shaking his head.

"It's about time she started developing a taste for haute couture," Christian said, finishing up his gelato.

"Oh, don't worry, she's doing all right. She's already got a Prada purse, Juicy Couture perfume, and some other brand of obscenely expensive shoes Julia wouldn't buy for her. If it were biologically possible, I'd say she inherited your shopping gene."

"Osmosis," Christian suggested, grinning. "I have a little surprise for you between here and Florence."

"What kind of surprise?"

"Let's just say there's a one-night detour in our itinerary, and we'll be living like kings."

"I thought we were already doing that in our five-star hotel," Sean said.

"Think more authentic than that. That's all I'm going to say."

"Great. You know this is going to drive me nuts now."

"I know," Christian said, smiling unrepentantly.

********

Christian sped down the winding country road in their rented Ferrari. They were just a few miles away from their destination, and though Sean was enjoying the ride, Christian knew the curiosity was killing him. He knew they were staying in their own villa later in the trip, so what Christian had up his sleeve now had Sean stumped. A few moments later, Christian drove through a set of large iron gates, to the front entrance of a castle.

"What is this place?" Sean asked, taking in the iron gates, aged stone facade, and tower.

"It's a hotel," Christian replied. "In an authentic eleventh century castle. We have a suite in the tower."

"It's amazing," Sean said, getting out of the car as Christian did. Predictably, Sean had the camera in action, capturing the exterior of the building.

A valet parked their rental car while a young man in a hotel uniform took care of their bags. The lobby of the hotel was presumably the great room of the castle, the ceilings a dizzying height above the guests, the walls adorned with tapestries, giant urns and other objects d'art accenting the huge space, which held antique furnishings and the strong sense of the past in the air.

They checked in, and were escorted to the elevator, which took them up to their suite, high in the castle's restored tower. The room was as spectacular, with vaulted, wood-beamed ceilings, a huge canopy bed with a headboard and footboard that were works of art in themselves with ornate floral designs and gilt swirls, heavy antique chairs upholstered with rich, elegant fabrics, and full length windows adorned with heavy tie back drapes. The view of the sprawling wine country below was nothing short of awe-inspiring.

The bathroom offered a jacuzzi tub, steam room and shower, all marble and accented with heavy brass hardware. The window was positioned so guests could relax in the jacuzzi and enjoy the panoramic view.

Christian had taken a seat in one of the large chairs, and was smiling as he watched Sean investigate the opulence of their surroundings. Though they had yet to hit the superstores of Milan, Christian had talked Sean into a little clothes shopping in Rome, and insisted on the Armani outfit he was wearing now. The moment he'd seen the clothes, he knew how they'd look on Sean, and was determined to add them to his partner's wardrobe. The tan linen pants and pale cream colored linen shirt and the coordinating jacket with the Nehru collar were nothing short of stunning on his partner, and Christian was enjoying watching Sean as much as he was taking in the elegant accommodations. He was relaxing in a castle, watching Sean wander around in an Armani outfit he'd have never talked him into back in the States. Personally, he was enjoying his new black Versace shirt accented with a subtle pattern featuring the designer's crest, and black Gucci pants. How could life get any better? And we haven't even hit Milan yet...

"I thought we'd take a break from the whole tourist hype for a day. Maybe take a walk around the gardens later, have dinner on the terrace - - I hear the view is great from that side of the castle. Maybe check out the steam room and the jacuzzi."

"You look like an Italian prince sitting there," Sean said, sitting in the chair next to Christian's.

"I do, huh?" Christian asked, smiling.

"You're elegant, Christian. You fit here, with all this opulence and all these beautiful things."

"I'm seeing them with new eyes, having you with me," Christian said, holding out his hand until Sean took it. "Do you like it?"

"It's remarkable," Sean said, looking around again. "Mostly I like this," he said, squeezing Christian's hand. "Just being with you. The five star hotels are great, but they'd be nothing without you."

"I'm realizing how hollow they were the last few times I was here alone, or finding some anonymous woman I'd never see again to share it with me while I was here. I feel like I've been to Italy for the first time, being here with you."

"Maybe we should try out that steam room."

With towels handy, and towels cushioning the bench seat, they settled next to each other to enjoy the steam for a while. Sean couldn't remember ever being in a steam room naked, without a towel over or around something, and he was enjoying the experience. After three days of heavy tourist activity, doing nothing was a nice break in the action. Christian seemed content to just share the togetherness and the restful silence. There was something more romantic than Sean expected about closing out the rest of the world, and just sitting here with Christian in this steamy little room, with nothing more exciting on the agenda than a soak in the jacuzzi once they felt they were properly steamed.

"They do in-room massages here," Christian said. "You want to do that?"

"I don't think so, but you go ahead if you want. You can give me one later," Sean added, smiling. He was still resting his head against the wall, and hadn't opened his eyes for the question.

"One of your massages will do nicely," Christian replied, a smile in his voice. "I thought you might like to just be lazy and let someone else do the work."

"If I'm going to lie on a cot naked, I'd rather have your hands all over me," Sean said. That was in large part true, but the second part of the equation was that Sean really didn't want to have his back and ass handled by a total stranger after what he'd been through less than a month earlier. Christian's touch was one thing, but he wasn't prepared to trust anyone else that completely just yet.

"That jacuzzi's calling my name," Christian said, letting the other subject drop.

"I'm going from relaxingly steamed to sweating like a pig," Sean agreed.

"Quit trying to turn me on," Christian joked, and they abandoned the steam experience to soak in the warm bubbling waters of the jacuzzi, this time with an expensive bottle of vintage wine to split while they soaked.

Before long, Christian moved from his side of the jacuzzi to spend a little quality time with his partner, sharing wine-flavored kisses and rubbing their water-slick erections together. Christian pulled Sean close, running his hands up and down his back, both men arching into the friction of their bodies. Christian's hand slid down Sean's back to his ass, his fingers straying into the cleft there. They were kissing, their bodies pressed together, water splashing around them as they made love, and as Sean thrust into the shared pressure of their groins against each other, Christian's finger slipped partway inside Sean's opening.

"Christian, don't," Sean said, pushing away. He retreated in one smooth move to the side of the jacuzzi, feeling the need to be protected from behind by something. He didn't know if Christian's finger actually hurt him or not, but it scared the hell out of him and he didn't want any part of it.

"I didn't mean to do that," Christian said, looking crestfallen, as if he'd done something awful to Sean. "Did I hurt you?" he asked gently, reaching out to touch Sean's shoulder. Sean flinched, and Christian withdrew his hand.

"I'm sorry," Sean said finally, feeling terrible about flinching, and yet not really wanting anyone touching him right then, especially not when he felt that naked and vulnerable. "I'm sorry, Christian."

"You don't have to be sorry. I understand."

"You didn't do anything wrong. It just startled me."

"Maybe this isn't the place to have this conversation. I'll dry off and give you a few minutes to get your head together." Christian got out of the jacuzzi and toweled off quickly, putting on one of the thick white terry robes the hotel provided and going to the room.

Once he'd left the bathroom, all Sean felt was alone. He sat there in the water a few minutes, not sure what to do. They were on their honeymoon, and he was still holding out on Christian. He was enjoying the times he was inside Christian, that they were one, and he was just taking and not giving the same measure of trust and love back. It didn't matter how much he scolded himself, or how much he trusted Christian or wanted not to feel the way he did, the thought of something stretching and pulling at his insides like that terrified him.

********

Christian sat in the hotel room feeling like a total asshole. He knew Sean was afraid of having something stuck up his ass, and the first thing he did to launch their day of romance and lovemaking in a castle tower suite was to stick his finger where it didn't belong. He didn't know if Sean had any physical reasons for his fears - - he looked fine when he was examined, but the stretched muscles alone could keep him in some measure of pain longer than a couple of weeks. He was healed, but newly healed, and he was scared.

The bathroom door opened, and Sean came out, dried off and wearing his robe. He didn't really meet Christian's eyes, but he sat in the other chair next to Christian's.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have touched you that way without warning. I didn't really plan it. Everything was slippery and I was getting into handling your ass a little too much and it just happened."

"You didn't hurt me. I don't even know how it felt. I just panicked." Sean kept focused on fidgeting with the tie on his robe. "Maybe I can't do it, Christian."

"It hasn't even been a month. You could have some very valid physical reasons for not being ready to feel stretched out and poked at right now." Christian hated the fact Sean wouldn't look at him, that he felt so bad about it. That bothered him ten times more than worrying about when he would get to be inside Sean. "After Quentin attacked me, I didn't respond normally with Kimber for a long time. More than a month. And then I was sticking my dick in her, not the reverse."

"I know you love me, and I know you wouldn't hurt me. I know the fear isn't rational, but it's still there."

"Yeah, well, the first time can hurt, even under the best conditions. You're a doctor; I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Fortunately, assholes are pretty elastic, but a full-sized dick does put a strain on those muscles, and your muscles were brutalized with something bigger than a normal dick. Then you had sutures. You're healed up, but it's freshly healed. It's not funny you're not ready. You said you felt achy there - - your muscles might still be feeling some residual pain from that ordeal."

"I'm sorry I'm ruining this for you. It's such a beautiful trip," Sean said, his voice softer than usual. Christian reached over and took his hand.

"When you got sick to your stomach, it wasn't just rich food and too much wine. It was stress thrown in on top. You think this honeymoon trip is going to be wasted if you don't take it up the ass from me before we go home. No wonder you were puking."

"You didn't put any pressure on me. It's just that when I'm inside you, it's...magical. And here I am taking that from you and not letting you experience that with me."

"When we make love, you're not taking anything from me I'm not giving willingly. It's magical for me, too," he said. Tired of looking at the side of Sean's head, he got up and knelt in front of Sean's chair, looking up into his face. "Did you think I'd just want to call the whole thing off if I couldn't get my dick in you before we flew home? That every beautiful thing we're experiencing together on this trip is useless if you can't deal with anal sex by the end of next week?"

"Most people want to have sex on their honeymoon," Sean said, finally looking Christian in the eyes. There was so much pain in Sean's eyes, and more than a little pleading. He needed to hear something from Christian that would help.

"We haven't been coming back to our hotel and playing checkers, Sean. We've been making love every chance we get. I've had my hands and my mouth on every part of you, multiple times. You're generous and you're loving and you want to make me feel good, and you do. And I think this trip is the wrong time for us to even worry about taking that next step. It's building it up into this huge...issue that's putting this enormous performance expectation on you, aside from overcoming the fear or the trauma. Me penetrating you is somehow turning into the highlight of a two-week tour of Italy. That's pressure enough to make anybody toss their cookies."

"I just didn't want this whole trip to be a disappointment for you." Sean paused, then he looked into Christian's eyes, a tear escaping from his own. "I don't want to be a disappointment," he admitted softly.

"The only way you could disappoint me is if you left me," Christian said, taking Sean's face in both hands and kissing him, lingering until their tongues met and made love to each other, losing track of time and making any doubts about their permanent commitment to each other seem meaningless.

Christian opened Sean's robe, running his hand over Sean's chest, teasing his nipples before pushing the robe out of the way and taking Sean's cock in his mouth, sucking him and using one hand to fondle and stimulate his balls. Sean slid back in the chair and moaned, letting his eyes drift shut to focus on the sensations. "Oh, God, Christian, that's so good," he managed, before spiraling down into unintelligible gasps of pleasure, until he came with a shout.

Sprawled there with his robe open, his face flushed, his lax cock sated and spent, Sean was quite a sight. Christian resisted the temptation to capture the moment on the digital camera and imprinted it on his memory instead. When Sean rallied, he smiled, since Christian had tossed his robe aside and was waiting for him expectantly, hard cock at just the right level for Sean to take care of from his chair.

Sean leaned forward and kissed Christian's balls, nuzzling his groin in a way that made him weak in the knees. The light touches were arousing and frustrating at the same time, but the love in the gestures melted his heart. Then Sean took the large erection as far into his mouth as he could, gently holding the base with one hand while he stroked Christian's balls with the other. Bracing himself on Sean's shoulders, Christian felt his climax sweeping over him. Sean held on, stayed, drank down everything he had to give before gently releasing Christian's sated cock, kissing it, before looking up at Christian.

"I love you."

"I love you," Christian said, caressing Sean's head before pulling him up so they were standing face to face. "You could never, ever, be a disappointment to me. If you're not ready for a week, a month, a year...or if you're never ready to have something inside you again, I'll still be here, and you'll still be the love of my life, and all the beautiful ways we make love to each other could never disappoint me, and they couldn't be replaced by anything or anyone else. I want you to be happy, and love this trip with me, and don't even think about it anymore. It'll happen when it's meant to happen."

"Thank you," Sean said, a tear slipping out of the corner of his eye. Christian kissed it away, and hugged him, feeling the pressure returned.

"They have a pretty impressive dinner menu here. Are you free for dinner?" he asked, pulling back a little to look at Sean.

"No, I made other plans," Sean retorted, chuckling.

********

They shared a delicious meal on the terrace, taking in a breath-taking view of the wine country below. Rolling green hills and trees, vineyards, farmhouses and villas dotted the landscape. They talked about the next day's trip the rest of the way to Florence, and some of the sight-seeing they had planned. They reminisced about the past, for some reason thinking back on their college days and laughing when they remembered some of their early study sessions, early arguments, and ultimately the formation of such a powerful bond between them.

When they finally decided to go for a moonlit walk in the garden, they were surprised to find they'd spent well over three hours just lingering over dinner and enjoying each other's company. Their walk was as leisurely as dinner, if not as long, and both felt relaxed and ready to get a good night's sleep in the huge bed in the impressive chamber upstairs. Both had decided it went beyond a room, and earned the title of chamber instead.

After calling home and spending some time on the phone with Wilbur, and then his nanny, who was staying full-time at the house during their absence, they visited with Matt for a while, glad to hear that Kimber had already taken the bait and had brought Jenna over to be watched by Rita at least twice since they'd left town.

"Hey, don't move," Christian said, locating the camera on the night stand. Sean was in his robe, wearing his glasses, with their itinerary for the next day in his hands, and Christian, also in his robe, had a couple Italian men's fashion magazines open on his lap as they sat propped in the bed. He held the camera as far away from them as he could, then leaned in toward Sean. "One shot of the old married couple," he quipped, snapping the picture. When they both looked at it, they had to laugh at themselves. Sitting in a romantic suite in a castle in Italy, they were both reading in bed and content beyond all description just to be together.

"I e-mailed Jennifer a couple of our wedding pictures, and told her what happened, about your reprieve," Sean said.

"Jennifer?"

"Remember the girl in the restaurant who took the picture of us kissing?"

"Oh, right. We need to get a nice print made of that."

"And of this. I think they'd make a nice pair of pictures."

"I think we make a nice pair," Christian said, taking the itinerary pages from Sean, and tossing them, with his own magazines, onto the floor. "Did you think putting your glasses on was going to keep me from making a pass at you?"

"If I had, I'd have just squinted and left them at home," Sean replied, laughing as Christian tackled him, pinning him to the mattress.

"They're kinda sexy, in a nerdy sort of way."

"Gee, thanks," Sean said. "I paid three hundred bucks for these frames."

"You ought to, if you're going to put frames around these eyes. You don't put masterpieces in discount store frames."

"You're pretty smooth," Sean teased.

"The difference is that I mean it when I say it to you."

"I know you do," Sean responded, touching Christian's face. "We've always had a part of each other no one else did." They kissed, and Christian smiled at Sean, holding his gaze for a long moment.

"Let's check out a few of our other parts so we can say we christened this bed before moving on to Florence."

Laughing, they went back to kissing, and made love late into the night before getting some sleep to prepare for the next leg of their journey.

********

Florence was a whirlwind of art, sculpture, and medieval architecture. Their hotel, the Grand Hotel Florence, overlooked the River Arno, and was a masterpiece of Renaissance Florentine Architecture, and kept them within walking distance of most of the attractions they planned to visit. Christian had expertly selected only the best and most significant spots to be sure they saw the works that every tourist should see. They climbed more than four hundred steps to take in the view of the city from atop the dome of a Renaissance-era cathedral, traveled across a fourteenth century bridge, and browsed the open-air markets selling everything from leather goods to art.

"We don't have anything for Liz yet," Christian said, looking at a selection of leather handbags.

"Maybe she'd rather have jewelry. I'm lousy at picking out purses. I bought one for Julia for Christmas one time, and she hated it. I have the distinct feeling someone at Goodwill ended up with a really expensive designer bag, because it died a mysterious death after she carried it once or twice."

"Considering I still have a giant diamond to pawn that she tossed back at me, I think I'll skip jewelry, and she's been losing weight, so I'm not sure about clothes."

"You pick it out. My taste in purses is probably the kiss of death," Sean joked. "I'm gonna take a look at those leather jackets over there. Matt would probably like one of those."

"Yeah, I bet he would. He'll be the best dressed starving actor at community college." Christian noticed the look Sean gave him. "Okay, I'll lay off about Matt."

"He spent the only cash he had in his own right to give us a night at the Beverly Hills Hotel - - something we could afford a hell of a lot better than he can. I know some of what he's been through is his own fault, but he's had a rough time of it. I thought maybe I'd get him a jacket, some clothes when we're in Milan. Maybe if he dresses a little better, he'll have more luck getting a job."

"You were ready to have his head for losing that money you gave him."

"Don't remind me." Sean sighed. "When I was with Julia, she had access to everything I had. If she'd been as crooked as Kimber, she could have cleaned me out, too. You were right about that. You're the one who told me to cut him some slack about that."

"You go get something for Matty, and I'll figure out one of these handbags for Liz. Nothing says 'I'm sorry I dumped you' quite like an authentic Italian leather handbag," he quipped.

"Asshole," Sean said, laughing, as he wandered over to check out the leather jackets. The one he decided on was ridiculously expensive, but he knew it would look good on Matt, and that he'd be excited about it. A black leather sport coat of buttery soft Nappa leather, it was obviously pricey and impeccably tailored. He knew part of buying the overpriced jacket was his desire to recapture the ability to make Matt's face light up like it used to at Christmas when he was a kid and opened that one gift he really, really wanted. He hadn't seen that joy in Matt for a long time, and if the jacket would bring that about, it would be money well spent.

"How do I get on your shopping list?" Christian said, coming up behind him, resting both hands on Sean's shoulders.

"Shit, will you take that thing off your shoulder before you touch me in public?" Sean teased, when he turned around to see Christian carrying the shoulder bag he'd chosen, over his shoulder as if it were his purse and not a purchase.

"Loosen up, Sean. I think there are some other clues people might pick up on that we're a couple. The matching rings, me kissing you at the glove vendor's," Christian said.

"I have no problem with people knowing we're a couple, as long as you don't follow me around carrying a purse and...sashaying." Sean held up the jacket. "You think he'll like this?"

"If he doesn't, we put him back in therapy."

"I'll take that as a yes."

Sean purchased the jacket, and they headed back to their hotel suite with their treasures.

"I spoke to the concierge, and they can help us with packaging and shipping," Christian said, hanging up the phone as Sean came out of the bathroom in his robe, toweling off his hair.

"Room service okay with you tonight?" he asked, sitting in one of the room's ornate antique chairs.

"Sounds good to me. Why don't you pick something out for us while I wash up. Unless you want to wash my back for me," Christian added, flexing his eyebrows.

"After I eat, I'll wash anything you want," Sean said, already perusing the dinner menu. "I'm starving. What happened to all that overeating we were doing?"

"We shopped instead of eating, remember?" Christian sat on the ottoman where Sean's feet were already propped up. "You're not conking out on me, are you?" he said, taking in Sean's tired expression.

"Just feed me and I'll get my second wind," he said, smiling. "I had a great time today."

Christian rested his hand on Sean's leg. "When we get home, I don't want us to fall back into that routine of seventy-hour weeks and barely seeing each other by accident in the kitchen."

"We won't. Besides, you'll always be able to catch up to me in the bedroom," Sean said, grinning. "How does shrimp scampi sound?"

"Not half as good as running into you in the bedroom, but it'll do for dinner." Christian stood and headed for the bathroom. "Don't fall asleep before you order dinner," he called to Sean, who had looked way too comfortable sprawled in the chair.

Sean ordered from room service, then stretched out on the bed and flipped the channels on the TV, part of him tempted to go fool around with Christian, but the other part not wanting to be interrupted by dinner if they got into something interesting. As if conjured by his lustful thoughts, Christian wandered out of the bathroom, naked and still damp from the shower. Sean almost looked away out of old habit, before remembering again that he didn't have to avoid checking out Christian's naked body anymore out of unspoken "buddy" courtesy. He wasn't sure if it was Christian's good looks, or all the amazing sensations Christian's body could create in sync with his own that made him so spellbinding. Or maybe it was just love.

He stood up, tossed his robe on the bed, and went up behind Christian, putting his arms around him and pressing his body against Christian's back.

"Did you get your second wind before dinner?" Christian asked, a smile in his voice as he covered Sean's arms with his own.

"I was just thinking that all that time we spent waiting in line to see Michelangelo's David was kind of a waste of time - - it wasn't that big a thrill when I've got you," Sean answered honestly, resting his cheek against Christian's back.

"Nobody could compete with that guys abs and pecs unless they lived in the gym - - or were made out of marble," Christian said, smiling and turning in Sean's arms so they could kiss. "You're biased, partner. Not that I don't love you for it." Christian kissed him again. "How long do we have before room service shows up?"

"Maybe a half hour. I ordered champagne."

"After we take in the food, let's eat dinner naked. Did you ever do that before?"

"No...well, once just wearing a chef's apron," Sean confessed, remembering one wild encounter with Kate when he hadn't bothered getting dressed before fixing something to eat. She'd even told him he had a great ass...right before she confessed her fantasy involving hot-looking black men.

"Doesn't count."

"Have you?" Sean asked.

"You know what? No, I haven't. I've always had something on, something over me, something... So, you want to take my naked eating virginity?"

"I knew eventually we'd find something we both hadn't tried before," Sean replied, grinning. "I'm game of you are."

After room service was delivered, they tossed their robes aside and sat on the bed with their plates. They ate, both of them hungry since it was getting late and they hadn't stopped for lunch. It was an oddly intimate feeling, sitting there naked, and being totally comfortable together, doing something other than making love. They shared food back and forth, toasted with their champagne, and finally fed each other the canolis they had for dessert.

When the food was gone, they sat propped against the headboard of the bed, sipping another glass of champagne. Both were semi-erect, the odd and prolonged foreplay building up quite a head of steam. Christian finally put his champagne aside first, and reached over to stroke Sean's erection. He was tired, and it felt so good to just relax there and let Christian touch him. He wanted something, and he knew he'd have to ask, because Christian would never try it without being told.

"Would you put your finger in me?" he asked, feeling the heat in his face, knowing he was probably blushing, not even sure if he could handle it.

"Are you sure?"

"I just want to see what it feels like. Just your finger."

"Let me get some slippery stuff." Christian got up and went to one of their bags, pulling out the tube of KY. Sean turned on his side, and Christian got back on the bed behind him, spooning his body around Sean's, kissing his neck, running his hand teasingly over Sean's nipples. "Relax, sweetheart. If you don't like it, we've got a few dozen other things we can do."

"I know. I want to know how it feels. I panicked when you touched me that way and I don't even know if it felt good or bad. I didn't give it a chance."

"I love you," Christian whispered, kissing Sean's ear. At the same time, he slipped his lubricated finger between Sean's cheeks and gently circled the opening with his fingertip. "Okay?"

"Yeah...it kind of feels good," Sean admitted. He knew Christian could make him feel good, touching him there without going inside.

"Just relax." Christian eased the tip of his finger inside the tight ring of muscle, giving Sean a moment to get used to it before trying to ease in any farther. Sean wasn't sure yet what he thought of the feeling. The fear of it stretching him too much, of that red hot poker of agony coursing through his insides, froze him from responding at all. "Okay?" Christian asked quietly.

"Okay," Sean agreed, but he knew it wasn't a glowing endorsement. Christian eased his finger in more, and moved it a little, putting slight pressure on Sean's prostate. That made him shudder, and he gasped a little. "More than okay," he said, and he could feel Christian let out a breath in relief. He nuzzled and kissed Sean's neck and shoulder.

Sean was still nervous, wondering when the good feelings would turn bad, when the stimulation to his prostate would cross the line from intense pleasure to unbearable pressure.

"It's okay, Sean, it's just me, sweetheart," Christian said gently, as if he'd picked up on the increase in tension somehow, reading Sean's body. "It's just my finger, and it's not going to stretch you anymore. Just enjoy it. I promise it won't hurt."

Christian used his free hand to stroke Sean's cock while he very gently moved his finger around inside him. The dual sensation from his prostate and his cock proved to be the right combination. In a moment, Sean came, with a groan that was pure pleasure. Christian slowly eased his finger out, then wrapped Sean tightly in his arms, still spooned behind him. They were quiet a few minutes before Christian spoke.

"Any pain?"

"No. Once it started feeling good, I wasn't so afraid of it." Sean rolled over to face Christian. "Let me take care of you," he offered, starting to move down.

"Stay up here with me. Your hand is okay."

Christian was content with the hand job, glad for the release it brought. The sleepy afterglow was perfect, just lying there kissing, nuzzling and making out, feeling that they'd taken another step in undoing the damage Sean had been through, and maybe gotten even closer to each other in the process.

********

Lodged in a luxury resort on an island in the central lagoon of Venice, they made use of gondolas for much of their travel to the various attractions they wanted to see. As a first time tourist, Sean was glad to hop aboard one of the water buses with the other tourists once in a while to be sure he partook of the full tourist experience. Christian had less interest in the shoulder-to-shoulder rides with camera-armed sight-seers, but he put up with a few to make sure his partner didn't miss any of the experiences he wanted to have. Christian was more partial to the twilight gondola ride he'd shared with Sean and a bottle of champagne on their first night in the city.

They toured the Piazza de San Marco, visited the Basilica San Marco, a structure that has stood since the eleventh century. They also toured an opulent three-storey Renaissance Palace and crossed the Bridge of Sighs, that once connected the palace to its prison, named for the sighs of the criminals heading for the dungeon. Sean was fascinated by the architecture, but found the place's history chilling and just a bit creepy. Christian reminded him that it wasn't half as creepy as the Catacombs, which he'd insisted on touring in Rome. Knowing Sean found the bridge creepy, Christian couldn't resist making sure he saw the haunted palace that was for sale in yet another area of the city.

On their second day, they explored the little shops and some of the more off-beat places Christian had discovered on his own during past trips. They wound up their explorations with a walk along one of the canals, where they could take in a beautiful view of the Piazza San Marco, without the press of a crowd of tourists - - or a few thousand pigeons. Walking hand in hand, watching the sunset reflecting on the water, they enjoyed the little break before going back to the hotel to change for dinner at Cipriani. Christian counted it among one of his favorite Italian dining experiences, and Sean was anxious to see what it was about the place that Christian found so enchanting.

"Quite a city, isn't it?" Christian said as they strolled along the canal.

"I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen anything like most of what we've seen here, but this place is really unique," he added.

"Is this your favorite spot so far?"

"I think so. But it's all been spectacular. It kind of reminds me what a huge world has been going on outside our surgical suite for the last twenty-some years. I want to see more of it while we're young enough to enjoy it."

"It sounds like you've been bitten by the travel bug," Christian teased, smiling.

"We never really went anywhere when I was a kid. Money was always tight. After my dad left, my mother was too busy, and we didn't have enough money for vacations. She still managed to take me to Disneyland a couple times. Looking back, I don't know where she found the money for it, but she did it. I just never seemed to have the time with Julia and the kids. We flew out to New York a couple times to see her family, but that was about it."

"Probably the only worthwhile thing I ever got from Troy was a taste for Europe. Well, and the money for medical school out of the old bastard's estate."

"How did he die?"

"Heart attack. I wasn't there - - I was in college already. It was a few months before I met you. I guess he just keeled over on the floor, and the cleaning lady found him the next morning. Couldn't happen to a nicer asshole."

"Not that it makes what he did any less horrible, but don't you think he cared about you on some level to leave you money in his will?"

"Who else was he going to leave it to? Leaving it to me had an air of respectability and charity - - he sent that poor little boy he took in to medical school. He was the kind of rich that the old money didn't much care for - - nouveau riche. He'd struck it lucky with investments and some business ventures, but he was crass and vulgar and unrefined in a lot of ways. He cleaned up all right, but he didn't have the right pedigree. He knew I wanted to be a doctor. He never thought I was smart enough because my grades weren't great. Still, he liked the idea of sending me to medical school. His son, the doctor."

"I didn't mean to bring all of this up. I just never knew much about your childhood. You always dodged my questions when we were in college."

"I just wanted to forget that I'd ever had that life. I wanted to be me, not his foster son anymore."

"That makes sense."

"You were lucky, having a good parent, even if you didn't have much."

"I know that," Sean said, smiling. "My mother never let me down on anything important. She changed the whole course of her life and her marriage to fix my face, and give me a chance at a normal life. You can't ask much more than that."

"Having Wilbur in my life was kind of scary. I was afraid I wouldn't know how to be a good father."

"You are, Christian. You're great with him. He adores you."

"He does, doesn't he?" Christian asked, breaking into the smile that the mere mention of Wilbur's name always brought out in him.

"Yeah, he does," Sean confirmed, sliding his arm around Christian's waist while Christian's went over his shoulders. "You miss him, don't you?"

"The last day or so, I'm feeling a little weird being away from him so long."

"We'll have to call home tonight."

"That view is amazing," Christian stopped them to just take in the view. "I love sharing all this with you. Seeing it through your eyes."

"This trip has been amazing."

Christian pulled him close for a passionate kiss, both of them indulging in the meeting of their mouths, lingering and savoring each other, before parting.

"Well, at least that's one of the great experiences in Italy we can still have at home," Christian said, and Sean smiled, shaking his head.

"Beats the hell out of the museums," Sean agreed.

********

Sean looked at the cocktails as they were served. Christian had raved about the pink-colored Bellini, a blend of peach nectar and Italian champagne, so that's what they'd ordered as they perused the menu.

"What's wrong, Sean?" Christian asked, his tone just a little on the indulgent side, as if he were bracing himself for some tiresome objection. The little smile on Christian's face disarmed Sean's irritation at the tone before it could become significant.

"It looks like a Shirley Temple Light," he said.

"You're too butch to drink a pink cocktail, huh?"

"I'd just feel better if it didn't look like something I'd order for Annie."

"If you order this for Annie, you'll probably have to carry her home." Christian picked up his glass. "To long life, much love, and more traveling."

"I'll drink to that, even if it is pink," Sean said, tapping Christian's glass with his. After taking a sip, his eyes bugged a little. "I stand corrected. Think you could make one of these at home?"

"I could probably master it. If you can bring your lasagna up their standards," he added.

"Never mind," Sean replied, laughing. "I'll never keep up my end of that bargain. Maybe that cooking lesson we're taking in a few days will help."

"The sex is great. Who cares if you can cook?" Christian joked, and both of them shared a good laugh. "I have another surprise for you tonight."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"How would you like to go to a nice, upscale club, where we don't know anyone and no one will stare at us if we slow dance or make out in a dark corner?"

"Where is this place?"

"I did some research and found this very nice, upscale gay night club."

"I don't know, Christian. I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"You've never been there, have you?"

"No, why would I have ever been there?"

"No reason, I guess. I just wondered why you think it's so great, or what you know about it?"

"I asked Leo Roselli about it," Christian said, referring to a neurosurgeon they both knew casually whose parents were from Italy.

"What does Leo Ro - - he's gay?" Sean asked, his eyes wide.

"Don't look so horrified. You are, too."

"No, I'm not."

"You're married to a man, Sean. You're not straight anymore."

"Bullshit. What I feel for you has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It has to do with you being the other half of my soul." Sean took another drink of his cocktail, looking now as if it were steadying his emotions more than delighting him with its flavor. Christian just blinked a moment at the naked emotion in the statement.

"I'm sorry, Sean." Christian laid his hand on the table, palm up, and after a moment of hesitation, Sean slipped his hand into it. "You know I feel the same way about you. I just meant that to an outside observer, marrying another man takes you out of the straight category."

"I didn't mean to snap at you," Sean said. "I don't even know why I care what anyone thinks. It's just that I don't check out men."

"You've been checking out the waitress with the great rack, right? Angelina?"

"At least I don't already know her name."

"Her name tag is right about in the area I've been checking out, and I don't need my glasses to read the tag."

"Your day will come," Sean said, but he was smiling. Still, Christian's now open admiration of the well-stacked waitress was starting to make him uneasy. Sean had given her a couple passing glances - - she was a beautiful woman, no question about that. But he'd preferred to focus on Christian, and she had lost her appeal.

"If you were here alone, you'd probably be taking her back to your hotel tonight," Sean said, hoping he was keeping his tone light enough to mask the fact he really needed Christian to reassure him that he'd rather be taking him back to their hotel instead. The fact Christian had just smiled at her, one of his lady-killer smiles, didn't help. She returned it, giving him a sultry look. Sean took another drink of the cocktail and didn't say anything else.

"I guess you like those," Christian said, smiling at Sean, not picking up on the workings of his partner's mind.

"You've eaten here before." Sean laid his menu aside. "You pick something."

"Okay," Christian agreed, seeming a little puzzled at the change in Sean's mood, until realization dawned. The flirtation had meant so little to him that he didn't even think about it. They'd joked about her, and out of old habit, he just wanted to see if he still got the response he always did when he turned on the charm with a woman. Maybe expecting Sean to put up with that on their honeymoon was expecting too much from even this idyllic a union. "She's got a nice body, Sean, but I'd rather have my face between your legs tonight than hers."

Sean choked on the drink of water he was taking.

"Now can we both look at the menu and pick something out together?"

Sean just nodded, dabbing the water from his chin with his napkin.

******** 

To say Christian came to life in the designer stores of Milan would be an understatement. It was apparent they were in a fashion hot zone just by looking at the impeccably and fashionably dressed men and women on the sidewalks and moving in and out of the shops and businesses. These were the elegant people Christian loved to move among, immersing himself in haute couture and beautiful women.

Sean felt a bit less concerned with the latter, since their last night in Venice had involved a couple hours of slow dancing at an upscale gay night club followed by marathon lovemaking late into the night. After Christian's mouth and hands had traversed every inch of Sean's body at least twice, he felt pretty secure with his number one position in Christian's heart, and his libido. Flirting with and seducing women, even if he didn't follow through on it, was such an integral part of Christian's behavior, and his charm, that it was futile to try to stop it. In a way, Sean felt that making Christian that uncomfortable with who he was and how he behaved would be akin to stifling him, and changing who he was. That was something Sean never wanted to do.

They both tried on a number of outfits in each store they visited, but Christian's fashion lust definitely outlasted Sean's, and with his own modest pile of new acquisitions set aside, he was content to sit and pass opinions on the myriad of items Christian modeled for him. He loved looking at Christian, and more than that, he loved seeing Christian this happy and this alive. After all he'd been through with the cancer and the chemo, and the mistaken fear that he was dying, he deserved to have some fun.

"You're not helping much," Christian complained, looking at some obscenely priced Gucci suit.

"I think it's a great suit," Sean said.

"You like everything. You need to start telling me something makes me look fat or that you wouldn't be caught dead in it or I'm going to be shipping the whole inventory home."

"It's not my fault you were made for these clothes, Christian," Sean said, knowing he was flattering him, and wanting to do just that. Christian did look great in the clothes he was trying on, and he had an insatiable hunger for quality fabrics and rich colors, all of which looked good on him. But then Sean liked him in his sweats, a robe, or nothing at all. Now, he was debating about getting the black suit he was modeling in the mirror.

"Did I get that black suit at Armani? The one I wasn't sure about?"

"That suit was great on you. You didn't get it, but I did."

"What? Why?"

"You didn't think it looked as good on you as I did, so I had them ring it up with my stuff. I figured I could talk you into wearing it once we got home."

"Getting this one is probably overkill then." Christian turned to look at the side view again.

"Why don't you get the navy pinstripe one? That looked great on you, and I don't remember every seeing you wear one."

"That's because I don't want to look like an investment banker."

"If you buy many more black suits, you're going to look like an undertaker."

"I liked you better when you just told me everything looked good," Christian retorted.

"Everything does. Just pick what you like. I'll tell you if something doesn't look good." Sean checked his watch. "You want to get to Prada yet today?"

"We won't really have time tomorrow if we want to do some sight-seeing," he said, adjusting the suit and looking at it again.

"If you spend any more time with that suit, I'm going to get jealous. Just buy it, Christian. We can return the Armani if you like this better." Sean sighed. "I've seen a lot of beautiful architecture and historical sights. If you want to shop tomorrow instead, that's fine with me."

"You're not bored?"

"I'm enjoying being with you. I don't really care which thing we do, and I know you were really looking forward to hitting the designer stores here. That way, we can call it quits tonight, have a nice dinner, maybe relax at the hotel and get some sleep. We didn't get a whole lot of that last night."

"Not complaining, are you?" Christian asked, giving Sean a sly smile.

"No, I just want to get my strength back," Sean responded, grinning.

********

Christian woke up early as the sunlight streamed in the window. They only had a couple days left of their vacation, and they were spending it in a beautiful villa that dated back to the early 1900's. The landscape was peaceful and beautiful, and the house itself had all the rustic charm it should to be part of the Tuscan wine country, surrounded by olive trees and rolling hills. With a fully stocked gourmet kitchen, a posh interior, and a private pool obscured from outside view, it was a perfect retreat.

Christian stretched, and turned on his side, watching Sean sleep. His partner was sleeping soundly, oblivious to Christian's gaze, or even the fact he was awake. Sean looked so peaceful that Christian didn't want to move, or even breathe, in a way that would wake him. This trip had been good for him. It had gotten him away from worrying about that damned tape the police had, and there were times his fascination with sight-seeing or sampling some exquisite cuisine had taken his mind off the lingering after-effects of the assault he'd suffered.

Life hadn't been kind to Sean in the last several months. Colleen's knife attack had left him paralyzed, in pain, and terrified, both for his future, and of the awful memories of the attack itself. He'd recovered physically and eventually the worst of the psychological and emotional issues had resolved themselves. Just when it seemed things were getting better, Christian had thought his cancer was back, and fatal, and then Sean had stumbled into that damn S&M club unsuspectingly, ending up at the mercy of a sadist who apparently was way too fond of her work.

Sean stirred a little, but didn't open his eyes. He did move over closer to Christian, seeking the warmth of his partner's body, even in sleep. The unconscious movement touched Christian deeply, and he couldn't do anything by respond by easing closer. He didn't want to wake Sean, so he waited until Sean moved again, winding his arm around Christian's middle, resting his head on Christian's chest. He carefully put his arm around Sean, holding him close. The curtains stirred slightly with a light breeze, and he could smell the fresh air. All the wonderful places they'd been, all they sights they'd seen together, all seemed a world away in this peaceful moment. Of all the days of their trip, this was the moment Christian wished he could freeze and live forever.

Sean moved a little, his hand resting on Christian's chest. A little sunlight reflected off the small diamonds in his wedding ring. Christian picked up Sean's hand and kissed it, unable to not respond to him any longer, even if it did wake him.

Sean grinned, but he didn't open his eyes.

"Good morning, sunshine," Christian said, smiling and knowing the happiness was plain in his voice.

"What time is it?" Sean asked, blinking.

"Who cares?" Christian replied, shifting onto his side and wrapping his arms around Sean, kissing him. "You have a prior commitment?"

"I was hoping it was early so we still had a long day ahead of us."

"It's early," Christian replied, kissing him again. "We have a long time," Christian said.

"Must be that cooking lesson yesterday took it right out of me," Sean joked. "I really slept soundly."

"Think you're up to wine tasting today?"

"I can manage that, as long as it's not for a couple more hours."

"Not until this afternoon. I thought we'd start off with a little swimming and lunch by the pool first."

"Sounds good to me." Sean sat up in bed, yawning. Christian sat up, too, kissing Sean's shoulder.

"I'll make us some coffee," he said, giving Sean's shoulders a quick rub.

"That feels good," Sean said, sighing a little.

"Would you like the full Christian special?" he offered.

"Oh, yeah," Sean replied, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of Christian's hands massaging the muscles in his neck and shoulders.

"Lie down, and I'll give you the full treatment."

"We're still talking massage, right?"

"Whatever," Christian responded, smiling and flexing his fingers. Sean stretched out on his stomach, resting his head on his folded arms. Christian kissed the back of his neck. "Let me grab some oil, give you a proper massage." Christian went into the adjoining bathroom and found the little bottle he was looking for. He paused in the doorway, looking at Sean. There was a little sunshine that seemed to set his skin aglow as he lay there naked. His recent efforts in the gym to increase his upper body strength while he was in the wheelchair had left him even more toned than he'd been before. His back curved into the swell of what Christian considered a perfect male ass, then tapered into strong, hair-dusted thighs and legs.

"Christian?" Sean raised up on one elbow, looking puzzled.

"You're really perfect," Christian said honestly.

"Me? And you accused me of being biased?" Sean chuckled.

"I have impeccable taste," Christian quipped in response, smiling as he climbed back on the bed to start Sean's massage. "We'll need plenty of sunscreen on this fair skin of yours. Has this skin ever been in the sun before?" Christian teased, kissing the smooth skin of one of Sean's butt cheeks.

"I don't do a lot of nude sunbathing, no," Sean replied, amused.

"We'll remedy that today," Christian said, rubbing the massage oil on his hands and starting to work on the muscles in Sean's shoulders and back. It was nice to be able to touch Sean's back, to give him a massage and not cause him pain. There were only a couple small pink marks left from his ordeal at Dragons, and the knife scars still gave Christian chills, but seeing Sean relax and hearing his little groan of pleasure at having his back rubbed gave Christian hope that maybe the rest of Sean's physical and emotional recovery was on the horizon.

He worked his way down Sean's back and continued lower, massaging Sean's ass, then his thighs and down each leg.

"If you wanted me to get up, this wasn't the best strategy. I don't think I've been this relaxed in years." Sean was quiet a moment. "Make love to me."

"You don't have to ask me twice," Christian replied, stretching out next to Sean and kissing him.

"I mean...I want you inside me."

"Are you sure? There's no hurry, sweetheart," Christian said, kissing him again.

"I know I want to try."

"Come here," Christian said, kneeling on the bed and holding a hand out to Sean. He took Christian's hand and rose up on his knees. They embraced and their lips met in a kiss that held all the love and passion they felt for each other. When their mouths parted, Christian kissed a path down Sean's jaw to his neck, his lips lingering over the scar near his collarbone, then traveling down his chest, taking his time making love to Sean with his lips and tongue, not caring how long it took.

Sean ran his hand through Christian's hair as he felt lips and tongue on his skin, not rushing in their travels toward his nipples. Christian was loving every inch of him, and Sean found himself smiling, realizing that he wasn't afraid of anything Christian would do. Christian raised his head to look in Sean's eyes, and when he saw Sean's smile, his own face broke into a radiant smile. He tipped them both back on the bed, and continued the path his lips had started on, moving down to Sean's nipples, licking and sucking each one to hardness. His hand strayed down to Sean's cock, stroking it, while Sean guided his face back up until they could kiss again.

"I want us face to face," he said, his hand still on Christian's cheek.

"Let's get a pillow under your back. It'll be easier," Christian said, and Sean nodded, lifting up while Christian slipped a pillow under him. "I can't very well take you for a romantic moonlight stroll later if your back goes out."

"That's the risk you run when you go with an old guy instead of some flexible twenty-something," Sean joked.

"Yeah, well, my ability to stick my legs behind my head isn't what it used to be, either," Christian responded, smiling.

"You know what's great? I don't even care anymore. I'm right where I want to be." He pulled Christian down for another kiss, then raised and spread his legs.

Christian moved down and stroked Sean's thigh, kissing and nibbling at the underside of it, then doing the same to the other, determined that by the time he entered Sean, he'd be too overwhelmed by all the love he was getting to be afraid of it. He slid his hands up and down Sean's hips and thighs while his mouth went to work on Sean's balls, tonguing them and sucking them into his mouth. He loved the little gasps and muttered words that were coming from Sean, and he kissed and licked the tender skin of Sean's perineum, teasing him by not quite moving down to his opening. Then he moved lower, kissing and nipping at Sean's ass.

Finally, not wanting to turn teasing into torture, he ran his tongue around the little pucker, kissed it, poked it gently with his tongue, and loved it when Sean whispered his name while he grabbed the sheets, arching up a little. He knew Sean would probably be more relaxed if he came first, but somehow, he felt Sean would want it to be a shared experience.

"You're going to feel my finger," he said, kissing the inside of Sean's thigh before coating his finger with gel. "Relax, and bear down a little," he said gently, easing his finger into the tight opening. Sean made an odd little sound that wasn't really pleasure, but didn't sound like pain, either. "I need to get your muscles relaxed a little more," he added. He carefully slipped his finger out and used more lube, knowing that he was probably using more than he needed. This time, when he entered Sean, he moaned a little.

"My prostate...touch it more," he said, his internal muscles flexing a little. Christian was more than happy to oblige, curving his finger to give Sean the stimulation he wanted. Sean cried out and arched his body, his cock seeming to get even harder, if that was possible. "Please, Christian, I want you..."

"You've got me," Christian moved up and kissed him, sliding his tongue inside Sean's mouth, putting all his passion into that kiss. Then he just brushed his cheek against Sean's in a gesture of pure, gentle affection, ending in a kiss that Sean initiated. "There are no words for how much I love you," he said, looking into Sean's eyes. He could feel Sean's thighs on his sides, and Sean took Christian's face in his hands.

"Then be part of me," he said.

"I always will be, sweetheart."

Christian reluctantly moved away a moment to coat himself with the lube. He pressed the head of his cock against Sean's opening and pushed, feeling the tight ring of muscle expand and then accept him, seeing some strain on Sean's face as he slipped partway inside.

"Christian, wait," he said, touching Christian's arm where he had braced himself on the mattress.

"Breathe, Sean. Just relax. I'm not doing anything until you tell me."

"It's big," Sean said, his voice still strained, but Christian was immensely relieved when he smiled. Christian had to smile back, even though he felt like the pressure on his cock was the promise of ecstasy being delayed to the limits of his endurance. He hadn't realized just how much he needed to plunge into something hot and tight, and now he was almost doing that, and he was doing it with Sean. That one physical thing that was sacrificed to be with the one he loved, was right there, and almost his again. "Am I okay?" Sean asked, the question taking Christian a moment to understand.

"You were healed when I examined you. It's okay, sweetheart. It's safe. Are you in pain?"

"My stomach hurts like it did before," he said, looking more than a little uncomfortable. "The cramps were awful," he added, looking at Christian with a mixture of misery and panic.

"I'm going to rub your belly a little and see if helps," he said, gently massaging Sean's stomach, hoping his compressed, erect dick would cooperate with waiting as long as it took. Part of him wanted to just ease out and jerk off, so he wasn't so damned urgent. "Take a deep breath, baby, it's okay. The cramps will ease up."

"It's better," Sean said, though his erection had waned considerably. Christian moved his hand from Sean's stomach to his cock, stroking it, trying to revive Sean's desire. It occurred to him that being at this angle and only partially inside him might not be much more comfortable for Sean than it was for him. He pushed a little further inside, and with a little noise from the back of his throat, Sean accommodated him.

"Relax, Sean. It's only me," he said. "Look at me, look in my eyes," Christian said, since Sean had closed his eyes when he started to feel uncomfortable. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Sean said, swallowing. "Are you all the way in yet?"

"No."

"Then do it," Sean said. Christian wasn't sure if he wanted to get it over with, or was looking forward to it, but he took Sean at his word and pushed gently forward until he was fully inside him.

"I'm in you, sweetheart."

"I need a minute," Sean said. Christian leaned forward and kissed him, hoping a little affection would relax him more, and remind him how much he was loved. Mostly, he just wanted Sean to enjoy this and not be afraid. Hoping he was reading Sean's body and his eyes right, Christian started moving a little, easing back and then thrusting very gingerly forward.

Sean took a hold of Christian's shoulders, his thighs gripping Christian's body. He was moaning each time Christian moved, but Christian knew how Sean sounded when he was enjoying himself, and these moans were bordering on pleasure, even if his expression was still a little strained. He made an effort to put more pressure on Sean's prostate, and started stroking his cock at the same time.

Sean's mouth opened in a sort of wordless gasp, and he pushed down, moving with Christian for the first time. Christian leaned down to kiss him again, and Sean slid his arms around Christian, holding on, eager for the kisses. Feeling that Sean was craving more closeness, and wanting that himself, Christian wrapped his arms around Sean and pulled upward so he sat back on his heels, Sean straddling his lap and held tightly in his arms. Sean shifted a little, gravity making the penetration a little deeper.

Christian resolved to keep his self control, and concentrated on kissing Sean, caressing him, making love to his whole body with lips and hands, finally rocking his hips a bit, finding that Sean was rocking with him now. Sean was holding onto him fiercely, responding to his kisses with a hungry eagerness.

Christian's hips moved a little faster, and he couldn't stop himself from thrusting a little harder as he came inside Sean.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Christian asked, kissing him again.

"More than okay," Sean replied, squeezing his thighs around Christian.

"We have some unfinished business," Christian said, carefully lowering himself and Sean back until Sean was lying on the bed. He slowly eased out, then turned his attention to Sean's semi-erect cock.

"I'm sorry I didn't come," Sean said, looking self conscious.

"Shh. We're going to fix that." He took Sean's cock in his mouth, wanting to give him as wonderful a climax and Sean had just given him. When he deep-throated him, he succeeded, judging by the way Sean's body arched and he cried out before sinking into the mattress, breathing heavily. Christian moved up beside him, leaning up on one elbow. "That was beautiful," he said, stroking Sean's cheek.

"I was nervous. It couldn't have been very good for you."

"You needed to know how your body would respond making love instead of being violated. As for me," Christian said, smiling, "being inside you was amazing. Yeah, I've had sex where I thrust harder and faster, and came sooner - - but what was going on and who I was with are just a blur. I'll remember making love to you this morning until the last day of my life." Christian scooted down a bit until his head rested on Sean's chest. He felt Sean's arm come around him. "Any pain?"

"Just a little...probably just the normal first time feeling."

"There was no blood," Christian said, wanting to reassure Sean as much as he could.

"You were gentle with me," Sean said, kissing the top of Christian's head. "Next time will be better. I kept expecting it to start hurting, and I know I was bracing myself for that."

"This was the first time I was inside you, Sean. Nothing could ever be better than that. I know how hard it was for you to take the leap of faith and make love with me that way."

"I can take any leap of faith I have to," he said, locking his fingers with Christian's, "as long as you're holding my hand when I jump."

********

There was nothing like a long international flight and a trip to baggage claim to undo many of the healing properties of a vacation. Fortunately, they'd shipped all the souvenirs and gifts home, so all they were dealing with now were the bags they'd taken with them. With their carry on bags over their shoulders and large suitcases wheeling along behind them, they made their way toward the exit where Matt said he'd be waiting to pick them up. Both of them laughed when they saw Matt standing there with Wilbur sitting on his shoulders, holding up a sign that said "McNamara/Troy" on it, as if they were limo service. Jenna's stroller was next to Matt, and their granddaughter was in it, playing with a stuffed toy.

Christian dropped his bag and took Wilbur from Matt, hugging him and making him giggle with a few loud, sloppy kisses. Sean hugged Matt, and then took Jenna out of her stroller to hold her.

"I thought you might like to see the rug rats," Matt said, smiling. "Rita's circling out front with the car. Jenna's been with us almost every day this week," he said. "Whatever you said to Kimber at the wedding, Dad, it worked."

"I just made her think she was taking advantage of us for free babysitting," Sean said, kissing Jenna's chubby cheek. "Whatever it takes to make this little girl's life happier."

"I'll trade you kids," Christian said, as Wilbur was back on his own two feet and waiting for a greeting from Sean, and Christian wanted to hold his granddaughter. Sean passed Jenna to him and picked Wilbur up, hugging him.

"Daddy said you brought us presents!" Wilbur said, and Sean laughed.

"I missed you, too, kiddo," he joked. "All the stuff we bought on our trip was shipped home, so we'll look through all those packages and find your presents," he said, and Wilbur grinned at that.

"A bunch of packages have arrived at the house, so I've just been stacking them up in your old room, Dad," Matt said. "I'll get Jenna back in her stroller," he offered, taking the baby from Christian, who picked up his carry on bag, as did Sean as he released Wilbur and the group headed for the exit.

********

Once they'd landed at home, since it was late afternoon and still business hours, Christian decided to make a trip over to the office and pick up the mail and messages. They planned on taking the next day off to catch up on their sleep and get settled, but now that they were back home, they were getting anxious about at least touching base at the practice to make sure the walls hadn't truly caved in while they were gone.

While he was gone, Sean started picking through the pile of packages, and one stood out. It was addressed to him, and had a logo on it from a messenger service. The return address was from the LAPD.

Matt was gone to class, Rita was with Wilbur and Jenna on the patio, and Christian was gone for at least an hour. He stared at the package a few moments. Finally, he tore open the envelope and looked at the tape. On it was a post-it note from the detective.

            Dr. McNamara,

We haven't found any other copies of this, so I think you can assume this is the only one. Please call if you have questions.

                                                                                                Det. Ryan, LAPD

Such an innocent-looking object, just a videotape, and yet it bedeviled him. Not only the thought of how many people had viewed it, but the nagging guilt of feeling like he'd brought it all on himself, even the humiliation of the tape getting into the wrong hands. Part of him felt he should watch the tape, and try to figure out what he'd done to bring such mayhem on himself. Another part wanted to destroy it. Mostly, he just wanted to believe what Christian kept telling him - - that it wasn't his fault. As much as he loved and trusted Christian, he knew Christian wanted to make him feel better. Making a decision, he sat on the bed and opened his laptop, typing a name into the search engine. A moment later, Mistress Dark Pain's website was on his screen. He clicked on the "Contact Mistress Dark Pain" link. To his surprise, there was a phone number there, as well as an e-mail address.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number, knowing he had to move swiftly with the impulse, before he lost his nerve. A woman's voice came over the line.

"Mistress Dark Pain," she said, her voice sultry.

"You might not remember me, but we met last year," he said. "Dr. Sean McNamara."

"Oh, I remember you, Dr. McNamara."

"I need your help." His heart was pounding, and part of him couldn't believe he was actually on the phone with another dominatrix after what he'd been through. Thinking back on finding Mistress Dark Pain leading his patient around by a fish-hook impaled tit, part of him thought he'd gone stark raving nuts.

"I figured you would, eventually," she said, an air of smugness in her tone.

"I need you as more of a...consultant. In medical terms, I guess you'd call it a talk appointment."

"You want me to consult with you on something?" She was quiet a moment. "Are you treating someone from the S&M scene?"

"Not exactly. I got involved in something recently, and it didn't go well. This is hard to explain on the phone, but I need to get some perspective on this, and for that, I need an expert in...your field."

"I take it I shouldn't bring my toys, then?"

"No, I just need your opinion."

"Where do you want to meet?"

"Do you have a place?"

"Of course, I have a place. When?"

"Now?"

"Well, I'm actually just leaving an appointment, so I could meet you in about an hour. I do still expect to be paid for my services," she added.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Sean wrote down the directions she gave him.

After he finished his call, he walked out to the patio.

"Rita, can you stay with the kids until Dr. Troy gets home?"

"Of course, Dr. McNamara," she said. "We're having fun out here," she said, smiling at Wilbur who was coloring at the table, while Jenna sat on a blanket surrounded by toys and being playfully investigated by Lipo.

"Thanks. I need to run a few errands," he added, before leaving them to their playtime and heading for his car.

The S&M business was apparently lucrative, as Mistress Dark Pain's address was a stylish condo in a high-rent neighborhood. With the tape in his hand, Sean went to the door of the all white, modern building with its frosted block windows and large balconies. Ringing the bell of Unit 1, he fought the urge to get into his car and floor it all the way home. A moment later, the striking Mistress Dark Pain stood in the open door.

"Come in, Dr. McNamara."

"I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice." He stepped inside the condo, surprised at the tasteful decor, mostly white, accented with a few red accessories and some eye-catching art on the walls.

"You were expecting a dungeon with manacles hanging from the walls and a couple of iron maidens in the corners?" she asked, smiling.

"Maybe," he admitted, smiling back, albeit uneasily.

"Why don't you sit down and tell me what it is you need my consulting services on." She led the way into the living room, sitting down in a white leather chair, while Sean sat in the corner seat of the matching couch.

"This is very difficult to talk about," Sean admitted.

"I can see that," she said, and he was surprised to detect a bit of compassion in her tone. She was dressed in a red satin blouse, black leather skirt, and stilettos. With her long, dark hair loose on her shoulders and her bright red lipstick, her most recent appointment obviously wanted her to look the part.

"I went to an S&M club with a woman I was seeing. I'm not really into the whole concept, but I wanted to go along with her, give it a try. I guess I was trying to prove something. To her, maybe to myself. At the time, I thought my partner was dying of cancer, and she seemed to think that it would help me confront my grief and express my inner pain by experiencing this...outer pain, for lack of a better word. Fortunately, Christian's in remission," he added, not sure why he was telling her, since she'd barely met Christian and probably didn't remember his name. "The session went really wrong. I said something I shouldn't have, and I guess I gave the wrong impression of what I wanted."

"Should I assume that's a tape of your session?" she asked.

"I didn't know it was being taped. I don't know if you're familiar with a club called Dragons?"

"Yes, very. It's a reputable place in the community."

"Christian and I are together now, as a couple. At the time, I wanted to explore whether or not I was prepared to have that kind of relationship with a man."

"Apparently, you were."

"I was, but it was no thanks to what happened there."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Watch the tape," he said, holding it out to her before he lost his nerve. She took it from him.

"Who was your dominatrix?" she asked.

"Madame Ramona."

"I know her. She's very well respected."

"I need you to look at the tape and tell me if I got what I asked for."

"I don't understand."

"I keep feeling like I brought my injuries on myself. I don't know how else to deal with that question, to lay it to rest, than to ask someone who's an expert in the field to review what happened to me, what I said, how she reacted, and tell me if it was my own fault."

"All right," she said, rising and walking over to the entertainment center that took up one wall of the living room.

"Is there somewhere else I can wait? I don't want to watch this."

"You're welcome to wait in the library, right this way." She led him down a hallway, and opened a door into a room that was lined with shelves packed with books, DVD's, tapes, and other media items. "If you're not interested in S&M, I'd recommend just reading the Newsweek on the coffee table. Most everything else is related to the scene," she said.

"I'll be fine. Thanks."

"All right. I'll check out the tape and let you know what I think." With that, she closed the door and he could hear her heels clicking on the floor as she retreated down the hall toward the living room.

He looked around at the myriad of items on the shelves, at a few of the S&M themed accessories here and there. He fought hard to swallow the bile rising in his throat. Suddenly, he was sorry he'd gone solo, and wished Christian was with him. Waiting while he knew Mistress Dark Pain was sitting in the living room, watching him being violated and tortured, was almost as bad as the original session itself.

He paced for a while, then finally sat in one of the black leather chairs and took out his cell phone, almost calling Christian. Resolute, he put it back in his pocket. He had to fight this

battle himself. These were questions he needed answered to get on with his life, to quit blaming himself for his own injuries.

What seemed like an eternity later, the door opened and Mistress Dark Pain walked in again, holding the tape. She handed it to Sean, who stood and took it from her.

"That session went horribly wrong, and it definitely wasn't the work of an experienced or ethical dominatrix. It wasn't Madame Ramona who did the damage."

"I don't understand?"

"I've known Ramona for years. She put you in the restraints, but then she left the room, and a new dominatrix came in. You can't see her face, but you can see some fairly distinctive tattoos on her arms," she said.

"My girlfriend, Teddy, she had biker tattoos."

"Do you want to look at a frame or two of the tape to make sure it's her?" she asked. "I cued it up to the very first time you see her on-screen."

"I really don't want to see that tape."

"Just a few seconds, to see if it's her."

"All right," he agreed, following her to the living room. She turned on the tape, and paused it at the moment where the tattoos were most visible. "Oh, God, it is her," he said, stunned. "I don't understand why she'd do that to me."

"Her technique is clumsy, she didn't establish a safe word, and the way she treated you, as a beginner, was completely irresponsible. But when it really gets interesting is after you mention your partner's ten-inch dick."

"Could you turn that off?" he asked, gesturing at the frozen picture on the TV screen.

"Sorry." She turned it off. "You told your girlfriend about your partner's dick, which implies you have first hand experience with it. I think you can figure out why she'd react badly to that." She sighed, pressing the "eject" button. "To answer your question, this wasn't an S&M session. It was a torture session conducted by someone who had motives of her own for inflicting pain. Even without a safe word, it was very easy to tell when you'd reached your limit, and then were pushed beyond it. Even if you encouraged her to bring out the toys, this is the kind of play you'd only engage in with a very experienced player, someone who had demonstrated an extremely high pain tolerance. And you were bleeding too much for the session to keep going with any responsible dominatrix."

"You didn't mind drawing blood," Sean said.

"Robert and I have a long history together, and I know what he likes, and what he needs. Anyone experienced will tell you that a session is about what the submissive needs, not the dominatrix."

"You're telling me you don't get anything out of it?"

"Of course, I do. But I can tell you I wouldn't have gotten anything out of this. This was an assault, not a game. Furthermore, I get off on giving my clients what they need. If I'm playing to meet my needs, it's with someone who has the experience to handle it, or who has a high tolerance for pain. It doesn't take a dominatrix to know that you wouldn't fit that description."

"Since this happened, I've felt like I brought it on myself. I didn't know we were going to an S&M club, but once we got there, I didn't leave, I didn't fight it. When she talked me into the session, I went along with it, and I let myself be restrained and blindfolded and even after she... beat me with that whip and I knew she meant business."

"You came to me because you considered me an expert," she said, resting her hand on Sean's arm. "You did nothing to bring on yourself the level of injury you suffered. It was not your fault."

"You're not just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear?"

She withdrew her hand, crossed her arms over her chest, and regarded him with a raised eyebrow. "Do you seriously think I would tell you something just because you wanted to hear it?"

"You have a point," he admitted, smiling faintly. "I guess all that's left is for me to confront Madame Ramona."

"That's pointless. Couples go to Dragons to play, so if your girlfriend decided she wanted to surprise you, to play together instead of split up and have sessions with other partners, Ramona would have backed off for that. Where did you get this tape, anyway?"

"Madame Ramona gave it to me, after she found out that things got out of hand."

"She probably gave you the tape so that your curiosity would get the better of you and you'd watch it and see for yourself that it was your girlfriend who did it. If she'd just denied hurting you and blamed your girlfriend, chances are you wouldn't have believed her anyway. You have to let this go, Sean. It's over and done with. I'd just be sure that woman is out of your life, because she has some serious issues."

"She is. I have a restraining order against her for other reasons."

"That's good."

"What do I owe you?" he asked, taking out his wallet.

"Nothing."

"I agreed to pay you for your advice. It was worth it."

"You've paid for this enough." She handed him the tape. "If I can give you some peace of mind about this, maybe it'll build me a little good karma."

"Thank you." Sean took the tape, then reached out to shake her hand. "I feel very strange calling you 'Mistress Dark Pain.'"

"Dominique," she said, shaking his hand. "Go home, live your life with your partner, and forget about this."

"Thanks. I'll do that." He headed for the door, and she saw him out. "I misjudged you."

"I told you I was a professional," she said, smiling.

"I know. You're a class act, Dominique." With that, he headed for his car, feeling like an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

It all made sense now. Teddy had reasons of her own, perversions of her own, and he'd been a victim of that. He'd been a victim. He had a right to his pain, he had a right to be traumatized, he had a right to Christian's concern and his sympathy and his caring. And his respect. He wasn't guilty of anything.

Suddenly very anxious to be with Christian, he started the car and headed for home. He hit the speed dial for Christian's cell, and it was picked up on the first ring.

"Where the hell are you?" Christian's voice came over the line, his tone a mixture of concern and reproach.

"I'll be home soon. I just needed to hear your voice."

"What's wrong?" The reproach was gone, and his tone had instantly gentled.

"Nothing." Sean paused. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Come home. I'm jet lagged and I want to go to bed with my partner."

"Yeah, me, too. See you in a little while." He broke the connection and focused on the drive home.

********

When Sean got home, Christian was pacing in the living room, in his robe, finishing a drink.

"I'm sorry if I worried you," Sean said, still carrying the tape.

"I found the open envelope with the return address from the LAPD. I figured you had the tape. I was beginning to worry that you'd done some asinine thing like go back to Dragons with it."

"No, I didn't do that." Sean laid the tape on the coffee table and sat on the couch. "I needed an expert opinion."

"On what? The camera angles?" Christian demanded. Sean just gave him a look. "I'm sorry. You disappeared, you didn't pick up your cell...I thought something was wrong."

"It was Teddy."

"What? What was Teddy?"

"That night, at Dragons. It wasn't Madame Ramona who did the damage. It was Teddy. Once I was in the restraints, she left and Teddy came in to...do the rest." Sean leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "All this time I've been trying to figure out why some woman I didn't even know, who's supposedly done this for years without any serious incidents, wanted to torture me this way. It didn't make sense, so I blamed myself," he said. "I figured I said the wrong thing, gave off the wrong signals, brought it all down on myself."

"I told you it wasn't your fault, Sean."

"I know, and I love you for the way you've treated me about this whole situation. But even you telling me it wasn't my fault wasn't enough to convince me of that, because I know you love me and want me to get over this, and feel better about it. I needed to understand why it wasn't my fault, because if I didn't make it happen, why did she do it?"

"You watched the tape?" Christian sat next to him, rubbing his back with a soothing hand that felt wonderful to Sean. He resisted just moving into Christian's arms and putting the whole subject aside.

"No, not much of it. Just the part where you can identify Teddy by her biker tattoos."

"So how did you figure all this out?"

"I consulted an expert. I contacted Mistress Dark Pain."

"You're shitting me."

"No, I'm not," Sean replied, laughing a little. "I needed to have an expert look at what happened and tell me if it was normal, if I brought it on myself...or if there was some reason that the person who did it to me wanted to inflict that kind of pain."

"How did you find her? I didn't know dungeon mistresses were in the yellow pages."

"No, but they're on the internet. I found her website, called the number, and there she was. I know she wasn't afraid to inflict pain, even draw blood and do some damage in the name of carrying out an S&M scenario with a client whose behavior was self-destructive to his recovery. I thought if she looked at the tape, she could tell me why it happened. If I did something wrong, or if the dominatrix did. She watched the tape, I didn't. She knows Madame Ramona, and she could tell when the switch happened. She showed me the part where Teddy's tattoos are visible, because she thought I might be able to identify them."

"I know Teddy's a freak and she likes her whips and chains action, but why did she want to do something that violent to you?"

"Apparently she was getting more out of the session than I was right from the start. But she didn't seriously injure me until I mentioned you. She must have thought we were sleeping together all along, and she wanted to punish me for deceiving her, for being unfaithful. Maybe make it horrible enough that I wouldn't want, or be able, to have sex with you that way anymore." Sean ran his hand over his face tiredly. "Dominique said I gave off enough clear signals that I was in too much pain, that I wanted it to stop for real. She also said I was bleeding too much and it should have stopped. I guess I knew that somewhere in the back of my mind, but I needed to hear it from someone who had no reason to want to make me feel better."

"Who's Dominique?"

"Mistress Dark Pain. It's kind of hard to keep calling someone a name like that when you're not on all fours on a leash."

"Sean, no one should be seriously injured in an S&M game, even if they're into pain. If she'd done anything more to you, you most likely would have had serious internal injuries that could have landed you in the hospital, or worse. She could have killed you with that thing if she'd ruptured an internal organ, and you'd been unable to get yourself somewhere for help."

"Please don't be angry with me because I needed to do this. It's not that I don't trust you, or don't believe you. I've felt so...guilty since it happened. Like I asked for it and then whined about it afterwards. I was chained to that wall voluntarily, and I couldn't get past that."

"I know you couldn't," Christian said. "Can you get past it now?"

"Yeah, I can. I know why it happened, and it wasn't because I made it happen. I thought I'd screamed and pulled on the restraints and genuinely tried to get her to stop, but I needed to know that I was clear enough, that it went too far."

"Are you okay?"

"I found out what I needed to," Sean said. "I'm really glad to see you." He put his arms around Christian and hung on for dear life, relieved to feel Christian's arms around him, his lips brushing against Sean's temple and his cheek.

"How about a drink?" Christian offered as they parted.

"I could use one."

Christian got them both drinks, and returned to his seat on the couch next to Sean, extending his arm along the back in an invitation for Sean to move under it, which he did, gratefully. The alcohol helped relax him, but it was only a minor help compared to being near Christian.

"You missed the big welcome home dinner," Christian said. "Liz came by, Matt had Jenna until this evening - - Kimber picked her up a couple hours ago."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"This was more important. But when Matt acts like an asshole tomorrow, you'll know why. I told Wilbur you had to go see a sick patient. Unfortunately, that line doesn't work on Matt anymore."

"At least Wilbur won't think I'm a prick."

"He insisted we save you leftovers. I can heat something up for you if you're hungry."

"I am, kind of. I just noticed the vodka eating up what's left of my stomach lining, so food would probably be good."

Christian heated up some food, and they shared a snack at the kitchen table, followed by a piece of what had been a "welcome home" cake with some kind of Italian flag decoration on it. The frustrated dinner guests had obviously drowned their sorrows in dessert, so there was little left of the design.

"You look exhausted," Christian said, after Sean nearly nodded off as they sat at the table.

"Would you mind if we just went to sleep tonight? I don't think I can keep my eyes open."

"Come on. We can clean this stuff up tomorrow." Christian led him into the bedroom, and Sean went into the bathroom to relieve himself and brush his teeth. Christian did the same, and when Sean sat on the bed, tiredly pushing at his shoes, trying to toe them off without leaning forward to pull them off. Christian surprised him by pulling off his shoes and socks, then unbuttoning his shirt and guiding his arms out of it. He wasn't incapable of undressing himself, but somehow the relief of the revelation about the tape, mixed with a healthy dose of jet lag, had drained him of all his energy. He stood up and slid out of his pants and tossed them aside, climbing into bed with Christian, who threw his robe to keep Sean's pants company. Sean smiled, not sure why he liked that idea so much.

"What?" Christian asked as he spooned up behind Sean, wrapping his arms around him.

"I kind of like seeing our stuff all mixed up together. I don't know why."

"Because it feels like being married," Christian said, squeezing him a little.

"It feels like home," Sean said, not fighting sleep anymore, absorbing the warmth and security of being in Christian's arms, in their home, worlds away from dungeons and pain and the bad memories they held.

********

Sean made a few more notes on the patient chart while Christian guided the woman out of his office. When he came back in, he closed the door and locked it behind him. Sean looked over the top of his glasses at his partner.

"That's the last patient of the day." He approached Sean, taking his glasses off for him and setting them aside. "She ran late, so everyone else has gone home."

"I'm guessing you don't want to review our consult notes," Sean quipped, tossing his pen on the desk and standing. Christian impatiently undid Sean's tie and threw it aside, then he wantonly yanked open Sean's shirt, sending a few buttons flying. He grinned wickedly when he noticed that Sean wasn't wearing a t-shirt. He pulled off Sean's lab coat, letting it drop where it would.

Sean returned the favor, opening Christian's shirt just as wildly, sending it and his lab coat to the floor in one smooth gesture. Shoes, pants and underwear followed closely behind. When they were finally naked, they grabbed each other in a passionate embrace, kissing, groping, and humping each other as if they'd been separated and sexless for months instead of a work day.

One of Sean's arms strayed back to the desk, rummaging blindly in the drawer until he felt the tube in his hand. With the coordination of dancers, he handed the lube to Christian while Christian cleared the top of his desk with one long-armed swoop. With desk accessories and paper everywhere, he put his lab coat on the desk before he pushed Sean on top of it, leaning over him so they barely paused their kissing.

Christian coated himself with the gel, and then gently slid his finger into Sean, making sure he was lubricated and comfortable before sliding inside him in one long, smooth stroke. They'd made love this way a few times since the first time a few months earlier in Italy, but this was the first time they indulged in doing it with minimal romance and foreplay, and Sean had no reservations about it. Christian's cock felt good inside him, even if it did stretch him, and the impacts on his prostate as Christian thrust in and out made him gasp and cry out, abandoning his reservations and finally understanding why Christian found office sex so exciting all these years. He figured he'd have a hard-on every time they did a consult at this desk for quite some time.

He gripped the edge of the desk, his knuckles going white, watching Christian's face with all its intensity and passion while he finally moved at the pace he liked, and was getting what he'd waited for months to have. Despite the satisfying pumping action he was getting, Sean found himself grinning a little smugly. He loved that he was the one Christian wanted to screw on the desk, that he was both Christian's life partner and his forbidden fruit at the same time.

Sean reached down to stroke his cock, but Christian intercepted his hand, taking both Sean's hands and lacing their fingers, pushing Sean's arms down on the desk, above his head.

"I want you to come from my dick up your ass," he said, and Sean's reply held all the eloquence of a man on the verge of orgasm.

"Shit," Sean gasped. "Oh, God, yeah, right there." Christian slowed down his pace and made his thrusts deeper, rotating his hips and giving Sean a whole different motion to concentrate on.

When Christian changed his pace and his motion, Sean felt his cock getting harder all on its own, even without his hand. He hadn't been sure how he felt about Christian pushing his arms back when he'd first done it, but right now, being at Christian's mercy didn't bother him a bit, and he only offered the minimal resistance necessary to keep things interesting - - he knew if he offered real resistance, Christian would respond to his needs.

He could feel his climax sweeping over him in waves, and he gave Christian all the credit he had coming in the shouts and moans he let loose as he came, Christian helping his orgasm along now with a hand wrapped around his cock, his come splattering on his stomach.

He felt boneless and sated, and Christian finished with a series of rapid thrusts as he came, calling out Sean's name, among several other nonsensical things. When he was done, he didn't pull out right away, but just stayed there, catching his breath, finally letting go of Sean's hands, running his hands up and down Sean's thighs before he carefully eased out. Sean felt empty and a little sore, but in a good way.

"I love you," Christian said, breathless, flushed, and thoroughly satisfied.

"I love you, too," Sean replied, rising into a sitting position, then standing so he could wrap his arms around his sweaty, naked partner. They kissed, just standing there, stroking and caressing each other in the aftermath, spending their cool down time expressing their love in all the usual gentle, romantic ways that usually came before the sex, having given vent to the physical hunger that drove their encounter.

"God, that was fantastic," Christian finally said. Sean was thrilled that Christian just possessively but gently rubbed and stroked his ass, and didn't ask if he was hurt, or if he was all right.

Christian knew he was all right, and for the first time in months, Sean knew it, too.

********

THE END

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