Part Four

Julia slowly unlocked the door, trying not to make any noise, then stepped inside quickly to disarm the alarm. She eased the door closed, then made her way stealthily toward the stairs, remembering where each little squeak was, keeping her ascent almost silent. When she reached the second floor, she approached the master bedroom door, which was closed almost to the frame. Carefully, she pushed it open. Sean was curled up on his side of the bed, sound asleep. The other side of the bed was empty. Already feeling foolish, she tip-toed over to the guest room and started to push the door open when it opened the rest of the way and Christian appeared in the door, wearing nothing but his briefs. She let out a scream and jumped back.

"Julia?" Christian asked, acting stunned to see her. "I thought I heard someone in the hall. What are you doing here at this hour? Are the kids okay?"

"Um, well, yes, they're fine. I...I came by to get something for Annie," she said, gesturing toward her daughter's room. This was her worst nightmare of how this scenario would turn out. Seeing Christian and Sean having sex would have been easier–at least then, she could have slipped out unnoticed.

"Julia?" Sean was up now, too, and joined them in the hall, clad in his boxers and a t-shirt. "What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"I came by to pick up something Annie needs for school in the morning," she said, knowing it was a ridiculous excuse, but not having any other story on the tip of her tongue.

"It's one in the morning," Sean said, looking irritated. "You could have mentioned this when we were on the phone earlier. I would have brought it by your apartment before work in the morning. What does she need?"

"An outfit. Something she wanted to wear for school pictures."

"I'm going back to bed," Christian said. "Goodnight, Julia. Sorry I scared you."

"Good night, Christian," she said, still trying not to shake visibly.

"Julia, if you need something from the house, I would really appreciate a phone call. With everything that's happened, and the fact we have a gun in the house, scaring the shit out of us by prowling the halls in the middle of the night isn't a good idea."

"Are you threatening me, Sean?" The reference to the gun made her even more jittery than she already was.

"No, of course not. I'm just asking that you let me know when you're coming over, for both our sakes."

"If you're still keeping a loaded gun in the house, Annie shouldn't be in the same house with it."

"It was locked up anytime Annie was here, and it has been again since Nanette Babcock was arrested. It's no danger to her."

"That's good to know. I'll just get a few things from Annie's room, and then I'll be leaving."

"Why don't you cut the crap and tell me why you were really here tonight?"

"Fine. I think you're having an affair with Christian." She pinned Sean with a penetrating stare.

"Excuse me? And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"I was here earlier to get something for Annie, and only one bed was unmade, and Christian's watch was on the night stand in our bedroom."

"So from that you assumed we're having sex?"

"Well, aren't you?"

"Yes, we are," Sean said, looking almost as stunned as Julia was at the admission.

"Oh my God," she said, covering her mouth. She'd suspected it, but now that he admitted it, it was somehow more shocking.

"Why the shock? You thought that's what we were doing."

"Sean, you shouldn't joke with Julia that way," Christian said, coming back out of his room with a black silk robe on this time.

"Stay out of this, Christian. This whole charade is a joke anyway, and I'm not good at a double life. Christian and I are in a relationship. It's not just a physical fling or an experiment. We're together. We probably belonged together a long time ago, but neither one of us was prepared to admit it."

"Was this going on the whole time we were married?" Julia asked, wide-eyed.

"Never. Not once," Christian spoke up. "There was nothing going on between us until after I was released from the hospital."

"Matt said you were sleeping in the same bed one morning when he was over here, but you said there was nothing going on."

"We weren't prepared to tell Matt, and given his reaction when he thought something was going on, he wasn't ready to hear it, either," Sean said. "I'm not going to pinpoint our first sexual encounter, but it wasn't the morning Matt was here."

"Julia, I'm in love with Sean, and he's in love with me. This is a long-term, monogamous thing, not something you have to worry is going to be a bad influence on Annie or part of some kind of group sex thing. It's just the two of us. For life." Christian moved closer to Sean, but refrained from touching him. Julia was digesting enough at a rapid speed without giving her a physical display.

"You're going to be monogamous with another man?" Julia asked, finding that notion even more absurd than the mental picture of Sean and Christian writhing around in the master bedroom in the heat of sexual passion. She ignored the little tingle that mental image aroused, or the momentary thought that danced across her mind of somehow participating in the fun.

"Not just another man. With Sean. I've never felt about anyone the way I do about him. Now that I know what it feels like to be with the one, one-night stands don't hold much lure."

"This wasn't how I pictured telling you," Sean said, resting his hands on his hips. "But I can't keep lying. I want to be honest about this, and I want to be honest with the kids. They're smart, they've been raised to be open-minded."

"Don't think I won't be talking this over with my lawyer."

"I'm sure you will, Julia," Sean said. "When you've cooled off a little, please think about this. You know how much Christian and I have always loved each other. You asked me yourself why I could forgive Christian about Matt when I couldn't forgive you. This is why. Because I've always loved him that much."

"So you loved him more than you loved me?" she asked, not sure she wanted the answer.

"I love you, Julia. I always have, and I always will. You're the mother of my child. If you hadn't wanted to end our marriage, I probably would have gone on in it for years without exploring what I really felt for Christian."

"This is a lot to think over in the middle of the night. Maybe we should all get together tomorrow and talk this through," Christian suggested.

"There's not much to talk about, is there? I thought having sex with a blow-up doll was an all-time strange for you, Sean, but you managed to top even that."

"Aren't you the woman who stood up for Sophia Lopez's right to attend your Pilates class? But you can't handle the fact your soon-to-be ex-husband is with a man? You're finished with me, Julia. You have been for a long time. Why does it matter who I find happiness with now? You certainly can't ask for someone who loves or knows the kids better than Christian. He's Matt's real father and Annie's godfather."

"I have to get out of here. I can't...think right now," Julia said, overwhelmed by what they were telling her.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Sean said, following her downstairs. "I still want to see Annie for lunch."

"Fine, yes, whatever you want." She hurried out the door and to her car, sliding behind the wheel and taking off quickly down the driveway.

********

"What the hell did you just do?" Christian asked, joining Sean downstairs.

"I just bought us our freedom," Sean said. "How much it ends up costing remains to be seen."

"I guess there's no reason for us not to got back to bed together this time," Christian said, sliding his arms around Sean from behind. "You have no idea how much what you just did means to me. I only hope you haven't given up too much for me."

"I suddenly realized we weren't going to be able to have the kind of life we want if we're constantly hiding. Our biggest fear was that Julia would find out and use it against me in the divorce. Now she knows, and she can take her best shot if she wants. I love you, and I can't hide it. I don't want to hide it. I've never been this happy, and I've never loved anyone this way. I'm not going to spoil it by spending all my time covering it up."

"Good. Maybe we can get those rings pretty soon."

"The day the divorce is final. I want to be free when we commit to each other. I want it all settled, however it's going to turn out, so we can look to the future."

"Whatever happens, it'll be a great future, Sean."

"I don't doubt it," Sean agreed, smiling and leaning back into the embrace.

********

Julia closed the door of the apartment behind her, leaning against it. She was still trying to make herself believe what she'd just seen and heard, and part of her wondered if Sean and Christian were messing with her head because of the divorce. Still, claiming they were engaging in a physical relationship wouldn't be the way to win a custody battle. It wouldn't be the way to win anything, for that matter. It was just more ammunition for her. So why on earth would they say that?

Because it's true.

She poured herself a drink and sat at her kitchen table. Something Sean said at lunch came back to her as she looked around her very humble surroundings. She had told him she didn't want to be a "Stepford doctor's wife," and she was stunned he'd heard that and remembered it. All the time they were married, she felt as if no matter what spear she threw at his armor, it bounced off again. Now she was beginning to wonder how many of those spears had hit home and left wounds, and how much time she'd spent resenting Sean because she was feeling unfulfilled. Had her own mid-life crisis cost her her marriage, her lifestyle, and the support she really needed to make a go of med school and raising children at the same time?

The baby would be walking by now.

She took another drink to silence the ghost voice that occasionally reminded her of the stage of development her miscarried child would have reached. She'd been so relieved when the miscarriage happened. It had only been Sean's enthusiasm for having the child that had kept her from having an abortion, and when it came to choosing between what was best for that unborn child and best for her return to college, she'd chosen college.

So now what was she going to do? Make Sean pay for the rest of his life to keep her in the style to which she was accustomed? She knew she could blackmail him with what she knew about the illegal surgeries he'd been forced to perform, she could humiliate him in open court with implications he'd had sex with a doll. She could put his affair with Megan O'Hara under the spotlight. And now, she could crucify him with the fact he was sleeping with his male partner, something he couldn't prove he hadn't been doing for years. She could use Christian's past against Sean now, since Annie would be living with both of them when she was with Sean.

Was this the new life she wanted so desperately? She was rid of Sean and had a new boyfriend, she was in college full-time, she had her independence. Well, as much independence as she could have with Sean paying the bills. He'd been paying her tuition up to now, and the next tuition bill would go to the house, and Sean would pay it. Either way they settled the divorce, she'd be living in the house free and clear until she was a doctor.

Until I'm a doctor...It's what you've wanted, and now here's your chance. Sean will pay your tuition and support you while you finish your degree. But you'll need a part-time job for spending money–like any college student–because he never mentioned anything about paying for your shopping and recreation. Handsome child support will keep Annie from feeling any pinch from the divorce.

Well, this is the ultimate test of what you really want. Do you really want to stand on your own two feet and seek your success? Because agreeing to Sean's version of the settlement will mean doing just that–making it happen. He'll certainly insist on some kind of time limitation on achievement of the medical degree...

She finished her drink and rinsed the glass, making her way tiredly into the bedroom for a few hours' sleep before her morning class.

********

Sean always felt like something of a giant when he went into Annie's school. The lockers seemed to be designed for a race of midgets, and the chairs in the hall were definitely not designed for the comfort of adults. As the classes let out for lunch, the majority of the children made their way to the cafeteria. Within moments, he saw Annie breaking from the crowd and heading for him at a dead run. He caught her and picked her up, hugging her tightly.

"I missed you, honey," he said, kissing her cheek. "You ready for our lunch date?" he asked, letting her down on her own two feet again, taking her hand.

"Does Mrs. Hansen know?"

"I talked to her when I came in. She sent me down here," he responded, smiling at his daughter's thoroughness in checking on whether or not he'd gotten the proper clearance from the office to be there. Maybe Christian was right about her taking after him. "And I arranged for you to be a little late coming back, because we're going someplace special."

"Where?" she asked, her eyes lighting up.

"We're going to have a very grown up lunch at the Harbor Club."

"Wow," she said, genuinely excited at the thought.

"I want to celebrate that beautiful book you sent me. That's the nicest present anyone ever gave me," he said.

"Really?" she asked, smiling.

"Absolutely. It really made me happy, and very proud of you. You did some very nice work on that."

"So can I come and stay with you for a while?"

"Your mom wants you to go to Disney World with Kevin and her, so we'll see next week, after your trip."

"I'd rather just come home." Annie got into the back seat and fastened her seat belt while Sean slid behind the wheel and started up the car.

"You love amusement parks, Annie," he said, smiling. "You must be a little excited to go."

"I guess so. I just wish he wasn't going. Could you come, too? Please?"

"I don't think that would work out too well, honey," he said, chuckling. Then he became serious, trying to watch Annie's expression in the rearview mirror and drive at the same time. "Don't you like Kevin?"

"He's just taking us to Disney World so I'll like him. Most of the time, he just wants to be with Mommy. They go out by themselves and I have to stay with a sitter if Matt's not there. It's not like when we used to all go someplace."

"It's different when you're dating somebody. Your mom and Kevin are just getting to know each other, going out on dates together."

"Whatever," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I want to come home."

"I'll talk to Mommy tonight and see what we can work out. If I come and pick you up as soon as you get home from Disney, will you go and be a good sport?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Is there any special reason you don't like Kevin? I'm not going to be mad if you like somebody your mom is going out with."

"Are you and Mommy going to move back in together?"

"We talked about that, remember?"

"I remember. But sometimes people who start to get divorced get back together. Jason's parents did."

"Who's Jason?"

"A boy in my class. His mom and dad were getting a divorce, and then they got back together."

"That does happen sometimes, but it's not going to happen for your mom and me. We love each other, and we both love you and Matt as much as ever, but sometimes people just aren't meant to live together forever. They get along better when they don't."

"Are you and Mommy getting along better now?"

"We're working on it. I think we will, eventually. There's a lot to work out when you get a divorce, and it just takes time before things...settle down again."

They arrived at the restaurant and were escorted to their table. After ordering a sandwiches for both of them, Sean asked Annie several questions about school, making sure to note on his calendar a few dates she talked about for the school play, parent conferences, and a couple other events.

"Where am I going to live? With you or with Mommy? She says we're moving back into the house, but that you're not going to live there."

"That hasn't all been decided yet, but that's probably what will happen. I'd like it if you lived with me part of the time, and Mommy part of the time. What would you think of that?"

"If Mommy marries Kevin, can I move in with you for all the time?"

"Honey, is there something about Kevin that you don't like? Has he said or done something that made you uncomfortable? You can tell me."

"When he's around, Mommy doesn't have any time for me. I have to go to my room, and it's boring there. Not like my room at home."

"Is he always nice to you?"

"Yes," she grudgingly admitted.

"How does he say 'hi' when he comes over? Does he give you a hug?"

"No. He just says 'hi' and I say 'hi'."

"If there's any special reason you don't like him, I won't tell your mom."

"No, no reason."

"If there is, you'd tell me, right?"

"Yes, I'd tell you. He's not a pervert, if that's what you mean," she said, and Sean choked on his ice water. "Can I have dessert?"

"That's good to hear, honey," he said, smiling uneasily. "Sure, pick anything you like. It's a special occasion," he said, relieved at her answer and yet a little floored by the frankness of it.

********

"How's our girl?" Christian asked as he passed Sean in the hall back at the office.

"Remarkably mature for nine years old," Sean said.

"Told you. Chip off the old block."

"She really wants to stay with me. I guess she's not thrilled with Kevin."

"Any special reason?" Christian asked, frowning.

"She informed me that he's not a pervert, so we don't have to worry about that."

"Cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't she?" Christian replied, chuckling. "That's good news. I'd have to cut his dick off and jam it down his throat if he looked at her the wrong way."

"Get in line. I think it's because he's dating Julia, and they want time alone together, and between that and Julia's study time and her college classes, it doesn't leave much time for Annie. Ironic how Julia was always accusing me of not spending enough time with the kids, and the minute she's on her own, she's got so many things on her schedule that Annie's feeling left out."

"So when's she coming to stay with us?"

"Hopefully next week. She's going to be a good sport about the Disney trip, but I promised her I'd talk to Julia about letting me have her back at home after they get back."

"I've missed her. You think Julia will let her stay with us now that she knows?"

"I hope so. But if I have to fight her for shared custody, I will. Annie really wants to be with me at least part of the time. That's all I needed to know."

"Who wouldn't want to be with you?" Christian said in a low voice.

"Don't try to start anything. We have a consult in half an hour, and we have to sit behind my desk and pretend we don't remember what we did on it last night."

"Don't feel bad, Sean. We can do it on my desk next time, just to be fair."

"You're impossible," Sean replied, smiling and shaking his head.

"You noticed," Liz said as she passed them in the hall. "I see we have surgeries on the schedule tomorrow. Good to see the old routine getting back to normal."

"For us, too, Liz," Sean said.

"Linda asked me to tell you that Julia called, and wants you to call her back."

"Thanks, Liz. I'll take care of that before our two o'clock. Give me about ten minutes or so, huh?" he said to Christian.

"I'll be in my office. Just ring me when you want me." His tone gave away nothing, but the look he gave Sean was nothing short of smoldering.

"Is he really all right?" Liz asked, watching him retreat into his office.

"He's more than all right," Sean said, his eyes riveted on his partner's retreating form. "I mean, he's doing really well," he added, happy to escape into his own office and close the door.

Shaking off the mental images of the action the desk had seen the night before and willing his body not to remember it either, he sat down and picked up the phone, dialing Julia's number.

"Hello?"

"Julia, it's me. Liz said you wanted me to call back."

"We need to talk."

"I agree. I'd like to talk to you about Annie spending some time with me after you get back from your Disney trip."

"It's about the settlement." There was a pause. "I'm going to see my lawyer this afternoon, but I wanted to let you know...I'm willing to consider a modified custody arrangement, and limiting the time you'll be paying all the bills. I want a new start, but when I'm on my feet, I want my own life."

"Aside from being happy to hear you say that for personal reasons, I really believe you're doing the right thing. I know you'll make a great doctor, and I think you'll have the life you always wanted once you get there."

"Thank you, Sean."

"What we told you last night–"

"I thought about using it to shut you out of custody, but when I saw how excited Annie was about going to lunch with you today, I realized she was the one who was going to suffer most. And you were right about Christian. I'd actually rather know he was around Annie than some silicone-enhanced centerfold model."

"He loves Annie like his own daughter. We won't expose her to anything inappropriate, anymore than I would if I were with a woman." Sean paused. "I want to talk this over with the kids soon. Christian and I aren't planning to keep this in the closet."

"You're going to be open about it?"

"We want to live together, and we want a commitment between us. I think Matt and Annie need to understand what's happening here."

"Well, if they ever figure it out, maybe they can explain it to me. Sean, I'm sorry, but do you really think Christian is going to be able to swear off women for you? He's never been faithful to anyone but himself his whole life."

"I know Christian's got quite a track record with women, but he's made me a promise, and I believe him."

"Have you thought about the effect this will have on the kids? What they'll have to explain to their friends?"

"That's why I want to talk to them right away, before they hear something from someone other than us. And even though we don't plan to do anything in front of Annie that's not appropriate for her to see, she needs to understand why Dad and Uncle Christian sleep in the same room, why we might kiss each other sometimes... As for Matt, he's an adult, Julia. He's due to go off to college, and he'll have his own life. I don't expect him to take it well at first, but I'm hoping he'll come around in time."

"People are going to think this is why we got divorced. Because you and Christian were gay."

"If anyone currently living in Miami thinks Christian is gay, they obviously haven't been paying attention. As for me, I don't much care what they think anymore. I haven't been this happy in a long time, and I'll be damned if I ruin it by worrying what other people are saying."

"This could really impact your practice."

"You're right, it could. But since most of our clients are women, and women often feel quite comfortable in the presence of gay men–or at least, men they perceive as gay–I don't think it'll destroy us."

"I hope you're right, Sean. And I hope Christian doesn't end up treating you like one of his one-night stands when he gets tired of a mature commitment and starts playing around."

"If I really believed that would happen, I couldn't do this. But thanks for your concern."

"I'll have my lawyer draw up the papers, and you can have your lawyer review them."

"Sounds fair enough. About Annie–"

"If you want to pick her up from school on Monday, you can take her for a couple of weeks, and then we'll talk more about how the permanent schedule's going to work. I was mainly concerned about her not being at the house until the whole Carver mess was settled."

"I agreed with that. Thank you. I'll look forward to it."

"If you want to tell her, I suppose it isn't going to get any easier. You better tell Matt first, because if Annie blurts something out about it–"

"You're right. We'll talk to Matt as soon as we can."

"Goodbye, Sean," she said, and there was a note of finality in it that sounded like more than the end of a conversation. It was the end of an era.

"Goodbye, Julia," Sean responded, hanging up the phone. Those words brought up a strange montage of memories and images of their life together, their family, how completely in love they'd been once upon a time... He'd heard people who were in terrible marriages lament that the final severing of the ties was still painful, and he had to agree. He was happier with Christian than he'd been in his life, and knowing Julia wasn't waiting in the weeds to sabotage them had lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. Still, laying to rest what you thought was going to define your life–your marriage and family as you always knew it–was a jolt.

Just telling Julia wasn't enough. He still had to tell Matt, which he didn't look forward to, and Annie, whom he had utter faith in to accept it and cope with it as just another facet of her family. There were the people working at the practice who needed to know. Eventually, everyone would know, especially when they wore rings and openly lived together on a permanent basis. Despite the obstacles that might put in their paths, the thought made him smile frequently for no good reason off and on for the rest of the day.

********

Stifling a yawn, Sean looked at his watch as he made his way down the hall to his office. It was after six, the rest of the staff had gone home, and he couldn't seem to locate Christian. They'd driven their own cars, so he could get home on his own. It just surprised him that Christian had disappeared so mysteriously after their last consult.

He walked into his office and took off his blue lab coat, going to the closet to get his suit coat. If he hadn't left his briefcase behind his desk, he might never have seen the surprise waiting there for him. Sitting in the middle of his desk was a single red rose and an ivory envelope just the right size to hold an invitation. Intrigued, he opened the card with a smile. Christian's tidiest printing was inside:

You are cordially invited to a gourmet dinner

and an evening of wanton physical debauchery.

Clothing optional.

Shaking his head, Sean read the rest of the card, which listed Christian's address, and a time of seven o'clock. At the very bottom, Christian had added a footnote:

PS: I love you.

Sean felt ridiculous at how much that little line touched him, and he tucked the note in his breast pocket, close to his heart. Someday, when he was an old man, he'd take this note out and look at it and remember what it had been like in the dawn of the love of his life. That thought made him feel even more sentimental, but it was a good feeling. He grabbed his briefcase and hurried out to his car, determined not to be late.

********

Christian lit the second candle on the table and stood back, appreciating his handiwork. He'd learned every trick in the book to charm and seduce the women he'd had. Just because he already had Sean was no reason not to romance him a little. He turned on the stereo, selecting a disc of romantic piano music. The gourmet meal was delivered moments later, and he stashed it in his oven to keep it warm. He checked his look in the mirror, satisfied that his choice of black pants and a black t-shirt was spot-on. It was casual and relaxed, but it showed off his physique nicely.

He picked up the long, narrow, hinged velvet box he'd picked up at the jewelry store and looked inside it again. It would be a while before they could get rings, but he hoped Sean would wear this. It wasn't flashy, but he wasn't much for jewelry. Still, the small gold bracelet with its fine but distinctly masculine links reminded him of his partner. Sean was masculine and strong, but he had the fine, graceful hands of the adept surgeon he was, and a sensitive heart that had been broken a few too many times. Christian regretfully acknowledged he'd had a hand in a couple of those situations. He set the box next to the two champagne glasses and the ice bucket on his coffee table.

There was a knock at the door, and Christian went to it quickly, checking the peep hole to be sure it was Sean. Seeing his partner waiting on the other side, Christian opened the door quickly. Sean reached into his pocket and pulled out the card.

"I have an invitation. I assume this is a private party?"

"Very private. But if you have an invitation, you must be on the guest list," Christian quipped, gesturing to Sean to come in.

"Wow," he said, looking around at the candlelight, taking in the romantic music, catching the aroma of the gourmet food.

"I have champagne," Christian said, annoyed at how awkward he sounded. He was the master of seduction, the smooth-as-silk charmer who had sweet-talked his way into the pants of almost every woman who'd crossed his threshold. He'd been in Sean's pants, and while he sincerely wanted to get back in there before the evening was over, his main purpose in putting this together was just to make his partner happy.

"Great, " Sean said, following him to the living room. He took off his suit coat and tossed it on a chair, sending his tie to join it as he unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. He sat on the couch as Christian did, watching as Christian took the bottle out of the ice and worked at popping the cork. It made a respectable "pop" and foamed a bit before Christian poured it in the two glasses, handing one to Sean.

"To us and our future," Christian said, holding up his glass.

"To always loving each other as much as we do right now," Sean said, looking a little sad.

"I'll drink to that if you want, but I was planning on loving you more every day, since I seem to be doing that already."

"Why? You could have anyone..."

"Hey, where did that come from?" Christian set down his glass and took Sean's setting it aside also. "Talk to me." He reached up to where Sean's arm was resting on the back of the couch as they sat sideways, facing each other. He took Sean's hand in his.

"You must be used to looking over your champagne glass at some really beautiful women."

"I want to look over my champagne glass at you for the rest of our lives, Sean. Sure, I've had some beautiful women. I enjoyed every one of them. But I love you."

"I don't have big breasts or a pussy–"

"Dear God, I hope not," Christian retorted.

"Do you really want to give up all the things you love to feel in bed just to be with me?"

"You say it like being with you is something less than being with a parade of faceless tits and ass."

"I talked to Julia today."

"I forgot about that. I guess that explains it. Did she convince you I couldn't stay faithful?"

"She doesn't think so, but that didn't really convince me of anything I haven't had to acknowledge in the back of my mind. I don't know how to explain this. My marriage to Julia has been over for a long time, and with the hassles over the settlement, it should be nothing but a relief to think of signing papers and ending it. But it still hurts. I feel...like something...someone...died."

"I think we'll both always love her in a way. Makes it easier to sever the tie when you hate each other."

"Probably," Sean said, an ironic smirk on his face.

"Any luck?"

"She's willing to share custody and reach some compromise on the bills. I'm not sure what she has up her sleeve for the kids' college funds, but I guess I'll find out when I get the first draft of the agreement. She isn't planning to use our relationship to get the upper hand."

"Why the change of heart, I wonder?"

"Maybe because we were honest with her. Maybe because Julia is basically a good person who was just so angry that she was using the settlement to lash out at me."

"Angry about what?"

"The divorce. How bitter things were between us for a while." He didn't say anything for a moment, then added, "Megan."

"I'm glad it's going to be settled without all the mudslinging. That wasn't going to do anyone any good." Christian didn't like the sadness in Sean's eyes or his posture. He reached over and caressed Sean's hair. "Everything's going to work out all right."

"I know it's silly," he said, smiling a little, "but after losing the baby, then losing Megan, and now finally losing Julia for real, legally, officially..." he paused, and his next words came out in a low, rough voice. "I'm scared," he said, looking at Christian with an almost pleading expression.

Christian's heart twisted at the vulnerable admission, and he could understand it fully. Sean wasn't prepared for another loss; he couldn't stand another let down, another shattered dream. Moving closer, Christian pulled Sean into his arms, holding him tight. Sean's arms clung to him just as tightly. He knew Sean needed to hear something from him, and he desperately hoped he could sate that emotional need as adeptly as he could sate the physical ones.

"Don't be afraid of us, Sean. I love you like I've never loved anyone. This is what we've been missing, why we've both been wandering around without what we really needed." He moved back, separating them, though Sean looked regretful at the break of the embrace. "You're all I want, and I'm so happy to have you. I'm always going to love looking at a beautiful woman, and there are probably going to be times there's a little itch there to be scratched, but what I feel for you, and what I feel when we're making love, is so damn powerful that it makes simple screwing seem like a real waste of time."

"That's how I feel, too," Sean admitted quietly. "I didn't mean to sound like I doubted you. I don't. I guess I doubt me."

"I don't doubt you. And I don't doubt that I'm always going to love you and want you. I have for all these years, through all these women...the one I loved more than anyone else was always you."

"Me, too. You, I mean," Sean added, smiling and looking embarrassed at his own blunders.

"Let's have some champagne," Christian said, picking up the glasses again, which they tapped and each took a couple sips. Christian set down his glass and picked up the box. "This is for you."

"Me?" Sean looked genuinely stunned, setting his champagne glass on the table.

"You're the only one here."

"What's the occasion?" He held the box, almost reverently, as if it were the greatest treasure on earth.

"It'll be a while before we get our rings, and I just wanted to give you something... If you don't want to wear it, I'll understand."

Sean opened the box, then took the bracelet out, holding it carefully.

"It's really beautiful, Christian. You want to give me a hand with this? I've fastened things for Julia before, but I could use both hands for that."

"Sure." Christian fastened the bracelet in place on Sean's right wrist. It was a subtle dash of gold, something that would be in perfect taste lurking beneath shirt and suit coat sleeves, only occasionally visible. "It looks great on you."

"I like it. I honestly wasn't sure I would because I'm not much for jewelry–but it looks nice."

"When you look at it, remember what you mean to me."

"Thank you," Sean said in a hushed voice. They kissed then, a long, slow, lingering contact that threatened to make them forget all about dinner.

"Food," Christian said, breaking the kiss. "I had dinner delivered. It's staying warm in the oven."

"I'm ready if you are. Actually, I'm starved."

"I know you are," Christian said seriously, and Sean paused, looking a little confused. "I want to feed those needs, Sean. I want to make you feel as good as you deserve to feel."

"You already have."

"Good," Christian said, smiling.

"I really like this," Sean said, looking at the bracelet. "I didn't get you anything."

"I just wanted you to have it. It's been way too long since I gave you a real present that wasn't a gag gift or a couple of beers after work on your birthday."

"It's great. And so are you. Let's have some of that gourmet food you promised me."

They enjoyed a delicious meal and talked about plans for when Annie came to visit, and how they'd manage her school commute from the beach house. Both men avoided the topic of where they were, and how Christian felt about spending the night there. Sean assumed he wanted to try it again, and thought maybe not making a big deal out of it would make the whole situation easier.

As they were finishing their dessert, there was a knock at the door.

"Are you expecting someone?" Sean asked, taking a drink of his wine.

"That's a joke, right?" Christian replied, getting up to answer the door.

"It better be," he replied, grinning.

Christian opened the door, surprised to see Kimber standing on the other side of it, dressed in a slinky, sexy red dress and four-inch heels.

"I thought I'd drop by and see if you were up for a little company," she said, smiling and leaning up for a kiss. Christian absentmindedly kissed her cheek, earning himself a smudge of lipstick on his own cheek. "You're kidding–on the cheek? Aren't you at least going to invite me in?"

"Of course. Come in." He stepped back, and she walked a little farther into the apartment, noticing the soft, romantic music, the dimmed lights, and the champagne glasses on the coffee table.

"This is awkward," she said, realizing she'd walked in on a romantic evening.

"Hi, Kimber," Sean spoke up, emerging from the kitchen where he'd taken some of the dirty dishes while Christian was answering the door.

"Sean?" She looked at the table with its dancing candlelight, and then back at Christian. "I thought I was breaking up a romantic evening for a minute there."

"It is a romantic evening, but it's always nice to see you, Kimber," Sean said, smiling. "Would you like some wine?"

"I could use some, thanks," she said, giving Christian the fish eye until Sean returned with the glass of wine. "Thank you."

"You're only the second person we've told," Sean said, sliding his arm around Christian's waist as he stood next to him. Christian's arm readily came around Sean's shoulders.

"The candles and the wine and the romantic music...they're for the two of you?"

"We can't put one over on you, Kimber," Christian said, his broad smile thinly masking the tinge of sarcasm in his voice.

"No, this can't be happening," she said, downing half the glass of wine in a few large gulps. "You're gay?" she said to Christian. "I know that's not possible."

"If we weren't together, we wouldn't be looking for other men," Sean said. "We can't label it. We just know we've finally figured out what was missing in our lives, and this was it."

"You're together?" she asked, though it was more disbelief than a real question.

"Forever," Christian said, looking at Sean, who was looking at him with a soft smile. He gave into impulse and kissed Sean's mouth quickly.

"I have to sit down." Kimber sat on the couch a moment, staring straight ahead.

"You surprise me, Kimber. I thought you'd be one of the most open-minded people we'd tell," Christian said as he and Sean sat down also, Christian on the couch near Kimber, and Sean in a nearby chair.

"Oh, it's not that," she said, finishing the glass of wine and setting it on the table. When she looked up at Christian, there was a very melancholy look on her face. "It's just that this time, I know I've really lost you to someone I can't compete with. I wish I'd ever seen you look at me when we made love the way you look at Sean all the time, even when you're just sitting there."

"Christian and I have been together for so long...just not this way, but this was the way we were meant to be together. I think that has a lot to do with why neither one of us have been wildly successful with our relationships. It has nothing to do with you. You'd be stiff competition for anyone," Sean said, and Kimber smiled.

"You were always so sweet to me," she said, reaching out to take Sean's hand briefly, squeezing it. After she released it, she looked at Christian. "You were actually an asshole most of the time, but I love you anyway," she said, and all of them shared a laugh. "I'm happy for you both, really."

"Thanks, Kimber. We appreciate that," Christian said.

"You know, the more I think about it, it's kind of hot," she said with a wicked smile, her legs crossed, one foot swinging just a bit.

"What? Us?" Sean said, looking puzzled.

"Of course, you. Do you think men have a corner on the fantasy department? Two men can be pretty hot together–especially if you're between them," she said, arching an eyebrow in Christian's direction. "I should be going. Let you two get back to...whatever it was you were about to do before I showed up," she said, standing, both men standing as well. They walked her to the door, and she paused there. "I really do wish you both the best. If you ever decide you need a little filling for your sandwich, you both have my cell number," she said, winking, before walking out the door.

"Only Kimber," Christian said, chuckling as he closed the door.

"Is that something you'd like to do?" Sean asked.

"What? Do it with Kimber between us?"

"A threesome," Sean said.

"It's crossed my mind," he admitted. "We both know Kimber–in the Biblical sense--so we'd be among friends." Christian could see the disappointment in Sean's eyes, though he kept a good poker face if he'd been dealing with someone who hadn't known him most of his adult life. To Christian, it was as obvious as a third eye in the middle of his forehead. "But I decided against it," he stated decisively.

"Why?" Sean asked.

"Because I don't want to watch you having sex with someone else, and I don't want someone getting in my way when I want to touch you." He put his arms around Sean, looking deep into his eyes. "I don't want to share you, either."

"I thought maybe I was just being a prude again."

"What asshole called you a prude?" Christian joked.

"The same one who screwed me on my desk recently," he quipped, reaching up to caress Christian's face. Their lips met and lingered, the kiss unhurried and gentle.

"Come on," Christian said, taking Sean by the hand and leading him into the living room. Sean seemed a little surprised, probably expecting they were headed for the bedroom. Instead, Christian put an arm around Sean's waist and took his hand, getting them in position to dance. "I'll make a dancer out of you yet," he said.

"Didn't work when Julia tried it," Sean said.

"Don't look now, but I'm not Julia, and I like to dance. You're going to learn how to dance with me."

"I am, huh?"

"Yes, you are, because you love me too much to say no to me."

"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" Sean retorted as they were swaying to the music, the discussion just relaxed banter between them, as they were already slow dancing and Sean knew he'd give Christian anything he asked for, a dance being one of the smaller things his partner might request.

"I am with you."

"Good. I want you to be."

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I want you to be sure of that with me, too."

"I always have been. Anybody who'd take a shot of Botox in the dick just to protect me has already proven himself."

"I've always been big on grand, romantic gestures."

Sean moved closer, laying his head on Christian's shoulder. Their arms wrapped around each other, making it more of a swaying embrace than a dance. Christian rested his cheek on Sean's hair, remembering their first time at the beach house, and how they had begun their evening of lovemaking this same way. There was something about the way Sean relaxed in his arms, surrendering to the embrace, unconcerned who was leading the dance–in bed or out of it–just happy to be with him and to express what they felt for each other.

Even the love songs on the stereo were touching him in a way they never had before. He'd used them to soften up women who needed a little romancing first, but this was the first time he'd enjoyed the romancing as much as the sex it was leading up to. Maybe it was because there were no games between them; if there was romance, it was genuine, not a necessary prelude to what he really wanted later. For now, even the lure of sex wasn't enough to disturb this moment.

Eventually, Sean was the first to move, looking up at Christian, smiling at him in a way he'd never really seen Sean smile before they became lovers. It was a mixture of complete happiness and overwhelming love. They held gazes for a long moment, and by unspoken agreement, moved toward the bedroom. Clothing was shed, and they climbed into the bed Christian had turned back earlier.

Like the rest of their evening, their lovemaking was relaxed and unhurried as they enjoyed the luxury of just exploring each other, some of the awkwardness of their first few times gone now, and the insatiable intensity of the passion cooled just enough to let them really prolong the experience. It was still new, but it wasn't so strange and forbidden anymore, and that made it all the sweeter.

Feeling more relaxed and secure with Sean than he ever remembered feeling with anyone else, Christian reached a difficult decision. He shifted onto his stomach, then looked over his shoulder at Sean.

"I want to try it this way."

"There's no rush, Christian," Sean said gently, resting a hand in the middle of his back.

"I know. You've been great. I really want to do this." Christian didn't mention that the thought of making love with Sean this way, in this bed, was the best way he could think of to take back the fragile inner peace the rape had shattered, and flood the dark corners of his memory with light.

Sean moved closer, kissing his neck, trailing moist kisses over his shoulders and back, finally fitting his own body against Christian's back.

"I'll make this good for you, I promise," he whispered in Christian's ear, before moving aside and easing a pillow under Christian to raise his hips a bit. "When you did that for me, it helped a lot," he admitted softly.

He was moving against Christian again, trailing kisses down his spine, his semi-hard cock rubbing against Christian's ass, as if to let him get acquainted with its presence before it would take any greater liberties. Christian forced himself to stay still, breaking out in a cold sweat. The way Sean's weight pressed against his body, the feeling of something hard–and getting harder–touching him back there, the feeling of vulnerability with his ass somewhat upturned by the pillow...

He didn't even realize the motion was coming when he arched upward suddenly, taking Sean by surprise, rolling him to the other side of the bed. If Christian hadn't recovered his senses in time and grabbed Sean's arm, he'd have likely ended up on his back on the floor.

"I'm sorry," he said right away, sitting up, shoving the pillow that had been under his hips, away from him, as if rejecting it would somehow give him his power back. "Shit!" he shouted angrily, pulling his knees up and resting his elbows there, covering his face with both hands. "Goddamnit!" he cursed, hating that tears were coming, and his whole body was shaking.

"No, no, I'm sorry. Christian, it's not your fault. It's just too soon. I was clumsy, and I didn't–"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Christian said, his voice broken. "It's not you."

"I know." Sean sat next to him, stuffing a couple pillows behind his back. He reached out to Christian, encouraging him closer, holding him in a comforting embrace, Christian's head on Sean's chest. "It's going to be okay."

"I'm never going to be okay!" Christian shot back, the tears making him feel more powerless and demeaned, just one more thing that threatened his manhood. One more way Nanette Babcock and her fake dick, and that bastard, Troy, and his real one, could humiliate him and take away his control, leaving him a sniveling mess who couldn't even have sex with his lover.

"If you want to yell, cry, throw things, slug me, it's okay. Just let it out," Sean encouraged, stroking his hair. Christian moved away a little, looking up at Sean.

"How could hurting you make me feel better? What kind of monster would that make me?" Then his blood ran cold in his veins when he remembered the horrible nightmare he'd had, when he'd dreamed about attacking Sean much the way he himself had been attacked in this very room.

"What is it?" Sean asked, concerned. "Christian, talk to me. It's all right. I'm not mad, I understand." Sean reached over to touch him, and he grabbed Sean's wrist, his grip intentionally rough and painful.

"Get out."

"What?" Sean stared at him, incredulous, his shock at the order enough to distract him from the fact Christian wasn't far from snapping his wrist in the vise-like clutch.

"You heard me. Get out of here!" he bellowed, releasing Sean's wrist.

"I'm not going anywhere and leaving you like this," Sean replied, rubbing at his wrist.

"I mean it, Sean, get out of here, now!"

"I won't touch you. We'll get dressed and we'll talk–"

"I don't want to talk. God, Sean, don't you get it? I don't want you here. I don't want you touching me. I want you gone."

Sean stared at him a moment, as if he wasn't quite sure what to do, or what to believe.

"Please, just get away from me."

Christian turned his back to Sean then, sitting on the side of the bed. He felt like one of the poor bastards in those horror movies who know they're about to turn into werewolves, and that whatever girl is unlucky enough, or stupid enough, to be with them is about to become a mass of bloody flesh strewn across the movie screen in vivid color. He felt like hitting someone...no, like raping someone. Like making someone else scream and plead and shake and cry and bleed under his power. Maybe that would make him feel like he was in control again.

He felt movement behind him as Sean got off the bed. He could hear him putting on his clothes, and leaving the room.

He sighed, almost relieved, when he was alone again. He got up, finding his own clothes and getting dressed. He looked at himself in the mirror, and all he could feel was hate for the man looking back at him. A pansy who couldn't stand up for himself, couldn't stop a woman from fucking him and tearing him up until he bled. A male whore who sold himself to a dirty old man to keep his cushy home and a steady flow of cash and merchandise coming his way. A manipulator who fucked women and threw them aside with the used condoms, treating them as if they were just as disposable.

He punched the mirror with the side of his fist, cracking it in a starburst pattern radiating out from his now-bloodied hand. Looking at the hand, realizing what an asinine thing he'd just done as a surgeon, as the blood dripped from a couple of nasty-looking cuts, he dropped to his knees in front of the dresser and sobbed, letting the utter anguish and conflict and horror he felt inside gush out with the tears that wouldn't be denied anymore.

Where Sean came from or how he knew about the hand, or why he even cared to help him was beyond Christian as he just knelt there bawling like a baby. Sean was there, carefully tending to his hand with the gentleness and precision that made him one of the finest surgeons in the country. He silently cleaned, examined, and bandaged the hand.

"The cuts aren't very deep. You don't need sutures," he said gently, finishing the bandage job, kneeling on the floor with Christian. His tone was even and calm, as if it were a normal thing that Christian had done, and just expected that after nearly snapping his wrist and throwing him out, Christian would still deserve his care and his kindness and his expert medical help. With his physical wounds tended, Sean stayed there on the floor with him, finally venturing an arm around his shoulders. After being violently rebuffed before, it was apparent Sean was cautious enough not to come on too strong.

"You didn't leave," Christian said brokenly.

"Is that what you really wanted me to do?" Sean asked softly, stroking Christian's hair.

"No, but I've got no right to ask you to stay."

"You can ask me anything, Christian. I'll always be here. Come on, let's sit down. The knees are among the first joints to give out after forty." Christian had to smile slightly at that, though he didn't feel much humor. Sean led him into the living room and they sat on the couch, Sean sitting sideways next to him, one arm along the back of the couch, the other hand on Christian's shoulder, rubbing gently.

"Is your wrist okay?" Christian asked, knowing his face was a mess with tears and snot, red and puffy and revolting. Sean handed him a wad of tissues, as if reading his mind.

"I'm fine."

"I...I feel like people do in the movies, when they turn into werewolves and kill someone and then when it passes, and they wake up naked in the woods, they can't understand what the hell they've done."

"It sounds like you wanted to hurt me, and I can't believe that."

"I wanted to hurt someone. You were there," Christian answered honestly. "I don't know what I wanted. I wanted...I want it to be gone. I want my control back."

"Do you want to do it rough to me? Would that help?"

"What are you asking me?"

"You've got a world of anger inside you, Christian. Years of it. If you could express that anger sexually with someone who wouldn't hold it against you later, would it make things any better?" Sean took a deep breath. "If that's what you need to heal, all you have to do is say so. I'm here. Just don't mess up my wrists or my hands so I can't operate."

"Dear God, Sean, what kind of a monster do you think I am? How could you think that raping you would make me feel better?"

"I don't know. And I don't think you're a monster. If you need to hurt someone to get this out of you, to purge the pain that's inside, this is your one chance to do it without any consequences. I don't really believe you'd seriously injure me, and it's not rape if I consent to it. People can act out rape fantasies. I thought maybe doing something like that would make you feel more in control of things."

"You're offering to let me..." Christian bit his lip. "I don't know if that makes me a monster or...or if you just love me more than I thought anyone was capable of."

"You're not a monster, Christian. You were hurt for years when you were a child and you had no way to fight back. When Nanette Babcock shot you full of drugs and tortured you, you couldn't fight back then, either. All of that means hurt, but it means anger, too."

"Maybe I can't do it that way. Have you inside me."

"Then we don't have to do it. We'll just forget it. You don't have to push me away or hurt me to scare me off because you're not ready to be on the receiving end of anal sex. If you're never ready, it's okay. That's what I tried to tell you before. I love being with you, and I love making love with you. I don't care how we do it."

"Kind of ridiculous, when you think about it. I did it for money, and then some psycho did it to me out of hate, and the only person I don't let do it to me is the one person who wants to do it for love. I feel like a hypocritical whore telling my boyfriend he has to wait until we're married."

"You're not a whore, Christian."

"Yeah, well, some people would argue with that."

"Not to me and stay standing," Sean shot back assertively. "There's a reason it's a crime to have sexual contact with children. They aren't capable of making adult sexual decisions. They aren't developed enough in that way yet, even though they might be intelligent or precocious, or even if they know all the mechanics from a sex ed class or a dirty magazine they've managed to sneak a look at. Saying you did it for money or that you were a 'male whore' is a massive and inaccurate oversimplification of a lot of other very complex issues. Your sexual development took the course it did in part because you were molested as a child."

"I can't use that as an excuse for everything I ever did."

"Of course not. But how do you know what your sexual behavior would have been if you hadn't run into Troy and his perversions? If you'd been allowed to be the innocent little boy you should have been, and loved for the right reasons?"

"God, Sean, I'm so sorry," he said, feeling the tears coming again, but there was no anger with them this time. Just regret and self-loathing for hurting Sean. For hurting someone who loved him so much he'd even agree to be some kind of human vessel for whatever pain Christian felt he needed to dole out. Sean pulled Christian into his arms, and Christian clung to him almost desperately.

"Don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it."

"It's okay. I'm right here." Sean was quiet a moment. "And I know you didn't mean it, or I would have left when you told me to. Hurting me when I got close to you that way was just a defense mechanism."

"I want to see your wrist," Christian insisted, sniffing and trying to pull back his emotions. Sean released him from the embrace and held out his hand. Christian took it and carefully turned and manipulated it.

"It's not broken or sprained," Sean said.

"I can already see bruises. I broke the skin," he said, new tears sliding down his cheeks as he looked at the inside of Sean's wrist, where a couple bloody crescents marked where Christian's nails had dug into the flesh. "Does it hurt?"

"No, it feels great. Of course, it hurts, you asshole," Sean retorted, his mouth turning up a little at one corner. Christian had to smile back, though it was difficult.

"I'll put some ice on it."

"It'll be fine."

"Just stay put and let me get some ice."

Christian went out to the kitchen and made an ice pack, returning to the living room and sitting close to Sean on the couch, putting the ice on the bruised wrist. It probably wasn't really necessary, but he had to do something to make up for what he'd done, even if it was minute.

"Some plastic surgeons we are," Sean quipped, gesturing at Christian's bandaged hand, and his own ice-packed wrist. "Good thing our patients can't see us now."

"This is the second time I've attacked you," Christian said, unable to respond to the humor.

"The first time didn't count. You were having a nightmare and you thought I was someone else, that I was attacking you. You were just defending yourself. That's all you're doing now. Maybe the problem here isn't that you aren't in control. Maybe the problem is that you're not used to being in control."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that you didn't have control in either of the situations that have left you traumatized. It would have taken violence, or the ability to overpower your attacker, to make it stop. Maybe you just need to get used to being in a situation where all you have to do is say 'no,' and that's the end of it. You don't have to be afraid anymore, because nothing's going to be forced on you that you don't want to happen."

"I wanted you to leave because I remembered the nightmare I had here, when I dreamed I was attacking you. I was so fucking angry tonight that I was afraid if you stayed, I'd really do it." Christian paused. "I didn't want to hurt you like that, but in that dream, I saw myself doing it."

"This is kind of hard to talk about...you're the only person I would say this out loud to. We've joked about me having sex with the Kimber doll. I've tried to forget about it, or make a joke out of it, because it was probably one of the lowest points of my life. But that's not why I'm bringing it up." Sean took a deep breath, as if this were the most difficult revelation he'd ever had to make. It was certainly an intimate one, and Christian knew it. "At one point, I had the doll on the floor, like a woman would be on all fours if you were doing her from behind?"

Christian nodded.

"I was fucking her from behind, and I'm not talking anything that resembled lovemaking. I mean doing it rough. For a few seconds, that swiveling plastic head with its fake blonde hair...was Julia." Sean swallowed, his eyes filling. "I was so hurt, and so angry, and all the times she'd faked orgasms or made it clear I wasn't satisfying her in bed...they just came back at me in a torrent and I wanted it to be her. For just those few awful seconds, I grabbed that thing's hair and pounded into her. And then it was over, and I realized what I was doing. If I believed in suicide, and if I didn't have children to leave behind, I might have thought about it. I felt so horrible not only at what I'd been reduced to–being so goddamned lonely and frustrated that I had to fuck a rubber doll–but by what I'd fantasized about, that I just sat in the middle of the floor naked, crying my eyes out, feeling like some kind of freak."

"I guess I wasn't much support to you at the time."

"My point is that I know what it's like to feel so awful inside, to have so much hurt and anger in there, that your fantasies get very dark. Sometimes, they can even scare you. Sometimes they're about hurting someone that you'd never, ever really hurt. I'd never hurt Julia that way, no matter what was going on between us. And I don't believe that you'd ever hurt me that way, either."

"I don't want to."

"Sometime, when the time is right, we'll know it, but I don't want you living in fear of it, or feeling it's some kind of payback I'm waiting for, or even that it's inevitable. It may never happen, and if it doesn't, it's okay. Let's just set it aside and leave it there until it comes around naturally."

"I'm sorry," Christian said, moving the ice off Sean's wrist, leaning down to kiss the gouges his nails had made. Sean stroked his hair.

"I'm fine. Everything will work out okay, as long as we're handling it together."

"Maybe I should see someone. A shrink."

"If you decide to do that, I'm behind you 100%."

"And if I don't want to do that?"

"I'm behind you 100%," Sean responded, smiling.

"You want to go back to bed, get some sleep?"

"Our patients would probably appreciate that," Sean replied.

With very little time left for sleep, both men felt they needed some rest, and some quiet time together, so they set the alarm and climbed into bed for a few hours' nap. Neither stripped completely, just down to underwear. Sean turned on his side, and Christian moved up behind him, their bodies fitting together as perfectly as their hearts.

"Thank you," he said quietly, wrapping his arm around Sean's middle, keeping him close.

"I didn't do anything," Sean said.

"Nobody every loved me like you do."

"Get used to it," Sean said, his voice sounding a little slurred with impending sleep.

"How's your wrist?"

"Hurts a little, but it's okay. How's your hand?" Sean asked, smiling.

"About the same," Christian responded, smiling also.

********

Sean was sitting at the table in the break room, looking through the newspaper, sipping at some hot coffee, taking a break between surgeries. His wrist ached a bit, but it was nothing that hampered his performance. Still, it made it less effortless to keep it stiff and in the perfect position for precision surgery. He flexed his hand a little, sighing. Dressed in his scrubs, the short sleeves made the purplish bruising even more noticeable than it had been under his shirt sleeves or with surgical gloves on. He'd reconstructed a shattered cheekbone on a woman who'd been severely beaten in a violent attack by her husband, one of his pro bono cases, and was relieved the next surgery on the roster was a routine rhinoplasty. The sight of the fine gold bracelet, even standing out against the bruises, made him smile.

"A girlfriend of mine used to show up at work with bruises like that," Liz said, walking over to the coffee pot to pour herself a cup.

"Excuse me?" Sean asked, annoyed at her presumptuous comment.

"I don't know what's going on with you lately, Sean, but a few weeks ago, your face was all bruised up like you'd been in a brawl, and now your wrist–your right wrist–is a fashionable shade of plum with a new gold bracelet to accent it. I've never seen you wear a bracelet since I've known you, and with the new jewelry comes the new bruises."

"I'm not sure what you're implying, Liz."

"That you're showing all the classic signs of being in a physically abusive relationship, and before you end up on the table like that poor woman whose face you just rebuilt, take a good look at what you're doing."

"I'm not in an abusive relationship, Liz. I'm getting a divorce, remember?"

"A woman's hand didn't make those marks." Liz sat at the table. "You're a surgeon, Sean. What kind of asshole would hurt your wrist or your hands?"

"Good morning," Christian came in, oblivious to the conversation, and went to the refrigerator looking for his yogurt. Liz noticed the white bandage on his hand.

"Oh, this is perfect! What did you two do, go out and get in a brawl last night?"

"You should have seen the other guys," Sean quipped, winking at Christian.

"We had to reschedule Mrs. Holt because you two went out and messed up your hands last night? That poor woman has been rescheduled twice now–once while Christian was in the hospital, and now."

"Liz, don't take this the wrong way, but this really isn't any of your business," Christian said, closing the refrigerator.

"When it affects the patients, it's my business."

"I appreciate your concern, but it's a private matter, and that's enough said," Sean stated, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.

"Things haven't been normal around here since we started seeing patients again after..."

"After Nanette Babcock was arrested?" Sean supplied helpfully. Christian sat at the table with them, not commenting, taking a few spoons of his yogurt. "That'll take a little getting over, for all of us."

"Are either one of you really getting over it? You're secretive, the schedule is erratic, and then you show up with your hands all banged up, which is the last thing I would think surgeons would want to let happen–I just don't understand it. Sean, you're the compass here. The one who keeps things on course."

"Thanks, Liz," Christian said. "That would make me, what? The bad winds that blow the ship onto the nearest iceberg?"

"Christian and I have had a lot to adjust to. Nanette Babcock, the divorce, worrying about custody arrangements...this is a time of transition for both of us." Sean looked at Christian, who nodded. "This is as good a time as any to talk about this. Liz, Christian and I are...together."

"Together? Meaning what?"

"Meaning we're more than just business partners and best friends," Christian said, picking up Sean's hand where it rested on the table.

"We're life partners, too," Sean added.

"Oh, no, wait a minute. You're messing with my head, and you're not going to get the satisfaction. This is worse than what you did to me April Fool's day two years ago when you told me we put breast implants instead of cheek implants in that porn actress's butt by mistake and that one of her cheeks flattened like a pancake during a bondage scene."

"It's not a joke, Liz," Sean said. "When my divorce is final, we'll be getting rings."

"I leased a house at the beach for us. We'll be moving there soon, and probably keeping an apartment in town for late nights."

"Oh, my God–you're serious."

"We're serious," Christian said. "I've never been this serious."

"But how can that be? Christian, he's a man! How are you going to swear off women forever when you can't swear them off for a couple of hours?"

"That was uncalled for, Liz," Sean said, anger showing plainly on his face.

"You're a nice guy, Sean. I just hate to see you go from one failed marriage to another one."

"You could try just saying 'congratulations' and letting it go at that," Christian said.

"We'll be talking this over with the staff once the dust settles over the divorce. We'd appreciate it if you'd keep it to yourself until then," Sean said. "I know this is a lot to digest all at once, but it would be nice to know you were happy for us. I thought you'd be one of the people who'd wish us well, and view this with an open mind. All the bickering aside, you're a good friend, Liz. Your good wishes would mean a lot to us."

"It's not that I don't wish you well, or that I have a problem with same sex relationships, obviously. I just...I can't see how someone like Christian can suddenly drop women and marry his male partner and never look back."

"It's pretty simple, Liz," Christian said. "I fell in love for the first time in my life. It just took me twenty years to figure it out."

"Yeah, well," she said, fighting a smile, "sometimes you take a while to catch on."

********

Julia pulled up in front of the house she used to share with Sean. Annie seemed more excited to get there and see Sean than she had been to go to Disney World with Kevin. Bringing new men into Annie's life that weren't either Sean or Christian would probably take some time, patience, and effort. Kevin seemed willing to invest all of the above, but so far, the results had been less than stellar. Annie was a polite child, and Sean apparently wasn't coaching her to be anything but that where Julia's boyfriend was concerned, but there's no forcing a child to like someone, even if you achieve the outward signs of courtesy.

"If you need anything, just call my cell number, honey," Julia said, noticing that Sean had come outside now and was walking toward the car.

"I will, Mom. Love you!" Annie said, giving her a peck on the cheek before getting out of the car and running to meet Sean, who scooped her up in a bear hug, carrying her with him back to the car to get her suitcase.

"Thanks, Julia," he said, smiling happily with his daughter in his arms. "Why don't you bring Matt–and Kevin if he's free–over for dinner some night? I'll call you in a day or two to set something up."

"I'd like that," she said, puzzled by Sean's upbeat demeanor and the invitation.

"Christian and I would like to take Annie to the beach this weekend. Any objections?"

"The beach! Cool!" Annie put in her vote.

"No, of course not. Just let me know where you are."

"I'll give you the details when I call. Annie, why don't you go inside and see Uncle Christian?"

"Okay!" she replied happily, heading toward the house as soon as Sean set her on her feet.

"I was expecting to hear something from your lawyer by now with the papers," Sean said. "Is everything okay?"

"I didn't know you were in such a hurry."

"I think if we've reached an understanding, it's time to move forward with it. It has nothing to do with being in a hurry. Besides, I thought you were anxious to move back into the house."

"I am. It takes time to split up a seventeen-year marriage."

"We both have lives out there waiting for us, Jules. Isn't it time we started living them?"

"I thought that's what we were doing. All that's left is the paperwork. God, Sean, you can be so cold sometimes. Are you going to tell Annie?"

"Matt's stopping by later, before dinner. I wanted him to have dinner with us, but he had a date. We'll talk with him first, and then with Annie later. That's why I took this afternoon off–for you to drop off Annie, and for Matt to come over."

"Maybe I should be here when you tell the kids."

"I'd really rather they heard it from Christian and me. I think Matt, especially, might feel freer to ask questions or say what's on his mind if he's not worrying about embarrassing his mother."

"I suppose," she said. Then she smiled faintly. "Annie was so glad to see you."

"Give her a week, and she'll be missing her mom," he said good-naturedly. "I'll talk to you soon about dinner."

"All right. I should go. I'm late for class."

"How's it going? School?"

"Good. Tough. But I'm making it."

"I never doubted it," he said, leaning on the car door, his hand on the frame of the open window.

"That's new," she said, noticing the bracelet. "You never wore jewelry before."

"I was a little skeptical when I first saw it, but I like it. It was a gift from Christian."

"I figured as much. I'll be in class until seven, then you can reach me on my cell if Annie needs anything."

"Have a good class," Sean said, waving her off.

********

Matt, Sean, and Christian all sat in the living room, the tension growing as their visit was off to an awkward start. Annie was in her room, getting settled and playing with some of the things she'd left behind when she went to stay with Julia.

"You guys asked me to come over, so what's on your mind?" Matt prodded, apparently conscious of the time.

"Before long, your mother and I will be finalizing the divorce, making the settlement terms official..." Sean paused. "We're not getting back together this time."

"I kind of figured that when she started dating Kevin and you both lawyered up."

"Your mother isn't the only person who has someone in her life now, and that's what we wanted to talk to you about," Sean said.

"You thought it would take both of you to tell me you have a girlfriend? Dad, don't you think I heard all about Kimber? Not to mention your affair."

"This isn't the same thing, Matt," Christian said.

"How is it different?"

"Matt, I'm not in a relationship with a woman."

"I don't understand," Matt said, smiling a little, confused. Then a realization dawned. "Oh, shit. Don't tell me."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Sean said.

"When I walked in on you two in the sack and you gave me this speech about how complicated Christian's recovery was. Doesn't look very complicated from where I sit."

"I didn't give you a speech. There wasn't anything going on between us when you found us in bed together that morning. We'd slept in the same bed, but there wasn't a physical aspect to our relationship then."

"But there is now."

"I love your dad and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Fortunately, he feels the same way I do. This isn't some sexual experiment we're fooling around with," Christian said.

"I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. Is this why you and Mom couldn't make it? You were hot for Christian all this time?"

"No, that's not it at all, though I suppose it's a conclusion a lot of people will make. None of this happened until a few weeks ago," Sean said.

"Why? I mean, why now? It's not like you haven't known each other long enough."

"It's a very...large thing to acknowledge feelings that run counter to everything you've ever believed about yourself, and your life, and the way it should go," Christian explained. "All these years, I've been looking for something, and the reason I didn't find it was that I was looking in the wrong place. I had it right in front of me, and I didn't even see it. There are a lot of things in my past that make it very difficult for me to acknowledge that I'm in love with a man, that I could have sexual feelings for him, want him physically. The truth is, I probably should have spent more time pursuing your dad in college than your mother. He was the one I loved."

"Christian was always the one I loved most. I've loved your mother very much, Matt, and if the marriage hadn't started falling apart when it did, I doubt Christian and I would have ever acted on what we felt for each other. Hell, we probably wouldn't have admitted it. Deep down, though, my deepest emotional connection has always been with Christian. There's no reason now for us not to act on it."

"This is amazing. You were so against me and Ava, just because she was older than me–because our relationship was atraditional. You weren't happy until she was out of my life. And this is what you consider normal?" Matt stood up and started pacing. "This is so typical of this fucked up family."

"We both love you, Matt. You're my son biologically, but you're just as much Sean's son from all the years he loved you and raised you as his own. It's important that you can handle this, and not shut us out of your life because we're doing something that you find disturbing."

"I can't believe you," Matt said, gesturing at Christian. "You're gay? Give me a break."

"I never said we were gay, Matt," Sean said.

"You're just screwing each other, but you're really straight."

"If I couldn't be with Christian, I wouldn't be looking for another man," Sean said. "This is probably hard for you to understand, but our connection was emotional and psychological long before it was physical. The physical part is an expression of those deeper feelings. It wasn't because I spotted Christian on the street one day and got horny for him, the way you might spot a beautiful woman and want to find a way to be with her. But that desire is there now. It just came about in a different way."

"Nobody expects you to just wish us well and instantly handle this without taking some time to get used to it," Christian said. "But we're going to be together, and once the divorce is final, we're not going to be closeted about this. We'll be living together as life partners, and we'll be wearing rings."

"What about women? You're swearing off women, or is this some kind of 'anything goes' situation?"

"We're not going to be seeing women," Christian said. "I don't want anyone getting between us–literally or figuratively. No threesomes, no orgies, no side dishes."

"You're getting married is what you're saying, then."

"To whatever extent we can," Sean said. "We'll be living together, committed to each other, and we'll make the usual legal provisions couples have for power of attorney, estate planning, and so on."

"I could almost picture you doing something like this when you got bored with banging every woman in Miami," he said to Christian. "But, Dad, come on, you can't be serious?"

"I'm very serious, Matt."

"Does Mom know?"

"Yes. I wanted her to be the first to know," Sean said.

"I gotta get out of here." Matt headed for the door.

"Matt, wait," Christian called after him, but he hurried out the door and slammed it behind him.

"That went well," Sean said, leaning back in the chair. Christian got up and sat on the back of the chair, his large hands massaging Sean's neck and shoulders.

"Give him time. It's a lot for him to adjust to." Christian paused. "You don't have knots back here, you have boulders," he quipped, working the knots with his thumbs. "I wonder what I can do to relax you?"

"You won't like this answer, but what you're doing right now is incredible." Sean's head tilted back slightly, his eyes closed. He wished Christian's hands would go on working their magic forever.

"Try to relax, partner. Are you always strung this tight?"

"Just when I'm having a relationship-altering conversation with our son. What if this freaks Annie out, too?"

"It won't. She's bright and sweet and tolerant. And she's a girl."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I've found women are more likely to be tolerant of alternative lifestyles than men are. For Annie, it just means when she stays with you, she gets to visit with both of us." Christian stopped massaging and rubbed his hand over Sean's shoulders reassuringly. "It'll go fine with Annie. And Matt's a smart kid. He's been around the block. He'll handle it."

"I suppose. You want to have a talk with Annie, see how it goes?" Christian suggested.

"I thought we'd wait until this weekend, when we show her the beach house, but since things didn't go too well with Matt, I don't want to take a chance on her hearing it from him."

They called Annie to the living room, and the three of them sat around much like they had when Matt was there, only Annie had hopped up on her dad's lap, and Christian sat on the couch next to them.

"Do you remember the talk your mom and I had with you a while ago when you told us your friend, Chelsea, had two moms instead of a mom and a dad?" Sean began.

"You said sometimes people love each other the way married people do, even if they're both women or both men."

"That's right, sweetheart. How do you feel about that?" Christian asked.

"I don't know. I guess it's okay. I like having a mom and a dad."

"You'll always have that, honey. Your mom and I have talked to you about that, how the divorce doesn't change the way we feel about you–not at all."

"I know."

"How would you feel about having a second dad in your life? If the next person that I'm with wasn't a woman?"

"Who is it?" she asked, frowning. "You have a boyfriend?"

Sean and Christian exchanged glances, and Sean nodded.

"It's me, Annie. I'm your dad's new boyfriend," he said, thinking the phrasing sound weird, but it seemed the best way to say it to a nine-year-old.

"Does that mean you, like, kiss and stuff? Like Mommy and Daddy used to?"

"Sometimes. Uncle Christian and I are still best friends–we always will be–it's just that now, we love each other that way, too."

"Are you gonna get married?"

"Well, kind of. In Florida, two men can't legally get married, with a marriage license and everything, the way a man and a woman can. But we'll be living together, and we'll have rings, and we won't be dating any other people," Christian explained.

"Chelsea's moms had a wedding with a minister and everything. Chelsea was a bridesmaid. She had a beautiful peach color dress, and she had her hair done up with flowers in it. She brought the pictures to school."

"You think your dad and I should have a wedding?" Christian asked, and Sean looked at him as if he'd just sprouted wings.

"That would be so cool. I could be your bridesmaid!"

"And what a beautiful bridesmaid you'd make, sweetheart," Christian said, much to Annie's delight.

"Honey, for you to be a bridesmaid, there has to be a bride, and we're a little short on those at the moment," Sean said, smiling at his daughter, then shooting a look at Christian.

"You've still got to have some girls in the wedding party," she stated, as if it were a fact any well-bred person should know.

"Annie's right, Sean. Just because there are no women getting married doesn't mean there shouldn't be any there," Christian said, intentionally needling his partner.

"We haven't decided that there'll even be a wedding yet, Christian. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself."

"Annie thinks we should have one, don't you, Annie?"

"If you're really going to be married, you need to have a wedding."

"See?" Christian said, raising his eyebrows and smiling wickedly at Sean.

"You're serious about this," Sean said, stunned. "Banquet hall, fancy suits, caterers–a wedding?"

"Lighten up a little, Sean. It'll be fun. And what better way to announce our relationship to the world? There it is, the big official occasion, let everyone have their say and do their gossiping and be shocked all at once. Plus, we get a great party out of it, and after a wedding, tradition also says you have to have a honeymoon."

"Please, Daddy! You and Uncle Christian have to have a wedding! I'll help with everything, I promise!" Annie pleaded.

"Don't be a killjoy, Daddy," Christian teased, giving Sean an affectionate look he knew would take his partner off guard.

"We'll think about it," Sean said, falling back on the age-old response that saves so many people from immediately committing to something they don't think is a good idea.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. We'll talk Daddy into it this weekend. I think I know just how to convince him," Christian said, giving Sean a smile that contained a lecherous leer Annie was completely oblivious to.

"I'm not going to stand much of a chance with you two ganging up on me all the time," Sean protested, hugging Annie and leaning over to give Christian a very chaste, closed-mouth kiss. It still elicited an appropriate giggle from Annie.

********

Christian was happy with the rhinoplasty he'd just completed. He'd done an outstanding job, if he said so himself, and though he doubted the young woman in question had the looks to be a top model, at least now she had a model's nose. He checked the schedule, stifling a yawn. He didn't mind missing that extra hour or so of sleep, considering the way he and Sean had made use of the time. He wasn't even complaining–too much–about picking up an extra boob job or two so Sean could pick Annie and three of her friends up at school when the mother normally handling the car pool had a family emergency. Picking up the slack while Sean did something for the child that felt very much like their daughter was no problem at all.

"Hello, Dr. Troy." Jasmine, the girl from the greenhouse who watered and maintained the office's live plants, gave him a sultry smile as she passed by, wearing her usual too-tight, too-short shorts.

"Nice to see you back on the job again, Jasmine," he said. "How was your vacation?"

"It was great. I spent most of it at a nude beach. Talk about an all over tan," she said, giving him a very inviting look as she sashayed down the hall with her watering can. He felt his traitorous cock twitch in his pants, and was both annoyed and relieved at the sensation.

He'd been unable to get it up with Kimber. Since the rape, the only person he'd been able to get it up with was Sean, and part of him still harbored the fear that the rape had somehow sent him into the arms of his partner sexually–in other words, it had frightened him into seeking someone safe or all the "misconceptions" about male rape were true and he'd turned gay because of it. If he had a dollar for every time old Troy had told him he was a lying little fairy who really liked taking it up the ass, and that he wasn't fooling anyone by pretending not to want it, he could have retired years earlier.

Everything in his mind screamed at him that all of Troy's machinations and head games were just that, and nothing more. He didn't want to be molested any more than any other child does. He didn't have anything against homosexuals, but that wasn't him.

Until, of course, you started banging your partner...

The voice inside his head sounded too much like Troy's. He could almost see the old bastard's self-satisfied leer if he could see him now, with another man.

He was running from that leer when his feet carried him down the hall in a direction he knew he shouldn't be going.

********

"We'll get you set up in Daddy's office, and you can help me with some of my filing," Sean said, walking into the office suite, hand in hand with his daughter. She always liked coming to the office and feeling as if she were doing some valuable secretarial work. Sean usually had her do something like putting his medical journals in order, or gave her a topic on a piece of paper and had her look through the journals and set the ones aside with articles on that subject for him to read. He'd been pleasantly surprised that she was actually quite good at locating the articles, even if she had no clue what they were about.

"Who looks up your articles in between when I do it?" she asked, as if reading his mind.

"I have to do it myself," he said. "I've gotten a little behind lately, so you can give me a hand getting caught up while Uncle Christian and I see our last couple patients for today. Then we'll all go out for dinner. Sound good?"

"Sounds great! Can I call Mom from your office?"

"You just want an excuse to sit in the desk chair," he teased.

"Yeah, and use the phone with all the lines."

"Remember–"

"I know, don't press any of the other buttons except the ones I need," she recited, sighing.

After getting Annie situated in his office, Sean headed down the hall for Christian's office. Though they ordinarily did their joint consultations in Sean's office, there was no reason they couldn't shift them to Christian's office, allowing Annie to work on her project.

"Is Christian with a patient?" he asked Linda as he passed her in the hall.

"Not that I know of. Your next appointment isn't until four."

"Thanks," he said, smiling, heading for Christian's office. He swung the door open. "We'll have to do our consults in here–"

Sean stared at the scene before him, unable to fathom what he was seeing, and yet feeling like such a fool for not expecting it.

Christian's pants were around his ankles, and the woman Sean thought of as "the plant girl" was on her back on the desk, mostly nude, her legs in the air, while Christian pumped for all he was worth.

"Shit," Christian muttered, managing to curtail his sexual activity mid-thrust. "This isn't what it looks like," he said stupidly, trying to keep Sean there long enough to prevent him from just taking off. He had to explain this.

"What is it? Some new plant fertilizing technique?" Sean demanded.

"I think you should go now," Christian said to the girl, who arched an eyebrow, still reclined on his desk with her long legs now crossed and dangling over the edge.

"You never worried about your partner walking in on us before," she said. "Do you mind?" she said to Sean, who looked positively irate at her nerve in trying to dismiss him from the office.

"Leave, now," Christian said to the startled girl.

"No, by all means, stay. You had a good thing going, Christian. Don't let me interrupt." Sean stormed out, slamming the door behind him, heading for his office. He was shaking, and his lunch was threatening to make an unwelcome reappearance. He went into his office and closed the door, leaning against it.

"Daddy?" Annie's worried voice startled him. He'd forgotten in that horrific moment that Annie was even there. Now, she was watching him with real fear in her eyes.

"I didn't mean to scare you, honey. I, uh, don't feel very good right now. It's nothing for you to worry about. It was just something I ate for lunch." He forced a smile, and realized he had tears on his cheeks.

"I'll go get Uncle Christian," she said, and before she could get very close to the door, Christian was banging on it.

"Open the goddamn door, Sean!" he bellowed. "I swear, I'll break it down if I have to, but you're not shutting the door on this and hiding from me!"

"Why is Uncle Christian so mad?" Annie asked, eyes wide. "He sounds like he wants to hurt you."

"He's just angry, honey. It's nothing for you to worry about. Why don't you keep working on the journals–" he was interrupted by thunderous banging on the door, "–and I'll have a talk with Uncle Christian, okay?"

"Okay," she said, still looking a bit dubious, but following the suggestion.

Sean swung open the door and stepped outside, closing it behind him.

"My daughter's in there, you asshole," he said in a low, venomous tone. "You scare her like that again and you're a dead man, is that clear?"

"I didn't know...Sean, you know I'd never do anything to upset Annie, but we have to talk."

"No, Christian, we don't. We don't have to talk about anything, ever again. You want to know the sick part of all this? I don't even blame you. You're just following your nature. I should have known better!"

"What is going on with you two?" Liz approached them. "We have a patient in the waiting room."

"I'm done, Christian. Finished. I don't care how much money it takes to make it happen. I want this partnership dissolved. On every level," he added, tearing the gold bracelet off his wrist and throwing it at Christian.

"I don't even get a chance to explain? You just end it and walk away? That is so typical!"

"Keep your voice down. I already have to find a way to explain this...disaster to Annie, and I'd just as soon it didn't get any worse than it already is. I'm going to get my daughter, and we're leaving. Do not get in my way or make a scene in front of her, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Sean, I understand you, but you're overreacting. That doesn't mean anything. What was going on in there...I can explain."

"I think I can figure that one out all by myself," Sean said. "Nobody believed this would work. Nobody but Annie and me. I guess I have all the street smarts of a nine-year-old girl." He retreated into his office and shut the door, taking a moment to catch his breath before schooling his features into a presentable expression for his daughter. "Honey, we're going home a little earlier than planned. Just leave what you're working on. You can finish it another day."

"Are you sick?" she asked, and Sean nodded.

"It's nothing for you to worry about. Just an upset stomach. I think I'll lie down a while at home, and you can get started on your homework. Sound okay?"

"Sure. I can take care of you."

"That sounds really nice," he said, scooping her up for a hug, feeling a few tears seep out of tightly closed eyes. "I'm lucky to have such a good girl."

"Don't cry, Daddy. You'll feel better soon."

"I know," he said, kissing her cheek and setting her back on her feet. "Let's go home."

********

"You're an even bigger asshole than I thought you were," Liz said, following Christian into his office. "How could you do that to him? What's the matter with you?"

"Plenty, Liz, and I'm not up to your lectures right now, so give it a rest," he said in a quiet tone.

"At first, I thought it was ridiculous, the whole concept of the two of you together. Then I got to thinking that maybe this was just what you needed. And I've never seen Sean so happy. You almost had me believing you–I feel betrayed. I can't even picture what you're putting him through. My God, Christian, you've slept with his wife, you fathered his son, and after he turns his whole life upside down for you, you let him walk in on you with your conquest of the week? What more do you have to do to that man before you quit hurting him just because he loves you too much to stop it once and for all?"

"How did you know what happened?"

"What always happens when you and Sean are fighting in the office? Besides, I noticed your little friend from the greenhouse was back from vacation."

"I blew it," he said, sitting behind the desk, leaning back in his chair. "Shit."

"You blew it, all right. You traded in a lifetime for a little bump and grind on the desk top." Liz crossed her arms, staring at him.

"He'll never get over this."

"You didn't think he'd get over the Matt situation, either, and you came home from the Rosenberg case partners again."

"Are you actually encouraging me here, Liz? I thought you were condemning my horrible behavior."

"I am condemning your horrible behavior. But I'm also saying you can't just write it off if you want to fix things. He's devastated, Christian. You couldn't have hurt him more if you tried. If you have something worthwhile to say to him, make him listen."

"I tried that, Liz."

"Keep trying," she said simply. She sat in one of his visitor chairs. "Christian, I know you don't want to hear about counseling and therapy for rape recovery, so I'm not going to suggest that. But I have a feeling that this whole mess is somehow tied in to something you're coping with, because I can't believe that even you would do something like this right under his nose unless you weren't thinking clearly."

"Or with the right head," he added.

"You think with the smaller one an awful lot, Christian. It should be making better decisions by now," she said, smiling a little. "You only get so many screw ups with one relationship before you destroy it for good. I think you're getting near that point, because the stakes are so high. You're his best friend, and his lover, now. When you betray him, he's got nowhere left to turn."

"You want to know the worst part of all this?"

"It gets worse?" Liz asked, her eyes widening.

"I didn't even enjoy it. Screwing that girl was as stale and boring as a TV rerun. It was just one more meaningless fuck like ten thousand others. All I could think of was that it wasn't Sean under me, and what the hell was I doing it for?" Christian shook his head. "Maybe it proved to me that the rape didn't turn me gay. Falling in love with Sean just made the wholesale screwing seem meaningless."

********

Sean walked into the house behind his daughter, who kept casting worried looks his way, even though he'd shown no more outward sign of emotion or illness. He couldn't completely ignore what happened and remain unaffected by it, so he felt she'd worry less if she just thought he had a "tummy ache" and left it at that. He tried not to feel as desolate as he had when he came home from Megan's memorial service, but this was feeling strangely the same–the love of his life had been there fleetingly, and now it was gone, and he was alone again.

He went to the refrigerator and poured a glass of milk for Annie while she put her backpack on the table in preparation to do her homework. It was amazing the things you could do with a hole in your chest. Suddenly, people who managed to stagger around a while with potentially mortal wounds didn't seem that remarkable. He was pouring milk and serving granola bars after having his heart ripped out by the roots.

"I'm going upstairs for a little while to lie down. I'll leave the bedroom door open so I can hear you if you call to me, okay, honey?" He set the milk and a chocolate chip granola bar near her backpack.

"Are you okay, Daddy?" she asked, still frowning.

"I'll be fine, princess," he said crouching next to her chair. She felt his forehead.

"You don't feel warm," she said.

"It's just a little tummy ache. As soon as I get rid of it, we'll order dinner from someplace good, okay?" he offered, and she smiled.

"Okay. What about Uncle Christian?"

"What about him?" Sean asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

"Is he going to have dinner with us?"

"I don't think so. Probably just you and me tonight," he said.

"I'm mad at him anyway. He yelled at you and made you feel bad, and that's why you have a tummy ache now."

"Your Uncle Christian and I have been friends and partners for a long time. Sometimes people who love each other have arguments. I don't want you to be mad at Christian. You know how much he loves you."

"I know," she admitted grudgingly.

"Okay." He stood, pausing to kiss the top of her head. "Get some homework done, and we'll get dinner in a couple hours."

"Can I watch TV if I get finished?"

"Sure, but if I'm not downstairs–"

"I know, just Disney or Animal Planet."

"Good girl. Call to me if you need anything."

"You, too, Daddy. I can take care of you if you feel sick."

"Thanks, honey. I'll be okay."

Once Annie was convinced Sean would survive his "tummy ache" on his own, she settled in to do her homework. Sean lay on the bed in the master bedroom, aware that by leaving the bedroom door open so he could hear Annie if she called to him, he also had to stifle the sound of his emotions, which was increasingly difficult to do.

Finally alone, he buried his face in a pillow and cried, unsure if he was more upset with Christian for betraying him or with himself for getting drawn into this fairy tale idea of forever and fidelity and rings and weddings. He'd gone that route once with disastrous results, and maybe he was doomed to never learn from his mistakes. He'd had relationships break up before. He lost Megan to death and Julia to divorce. He'd lost Kimber to Christian, who didn't want her anyway, but since he didn't relish ending up tied to a bed and slashed if he crossed her, he was probably better off. Kimber had her sweet side, but she wasn't really a role model for Annie, either.

He'd felt hurt and betrayed before, but he'd never felt it this acutely. With Christian, he'd surrendered himself completely–emotionally, sexually, psychologically–and now here he was, berating himself for being the uptight prude who couldn't swing the way his promiscuous partner needed him to. He could see for a moment that Christian had considered doing a three-way with Kimber. It was a logical way to scratch the female itch with someone who'd been with both of them and considered them both friends. The thought of cheapening the intimacy they shared with turning it into gymnastics with a third person involved hurt, and he knew that had shown in his eyes, and he wanted so badly to believe that Christian really didn't need more than him.

He was startled to feel the bed dip behind him, and it was a weight much greater than Annie's. A warm body fit itself to his back, a strong arm coming around his middle. Christian was freshly showered, so no traces of his tryst clung to him. Sean wanted to be strong enough to push him away, but being in Christian's arms felt too good when he was hurting this badly.

"Annie let me in. She said you were sick."

"That's easier to explain to a nine-year-old than 'I just found Uncle Christian banging the plant girl, so the wedding's off.'" Sean didn't move or look at Christian. He just lay there, feeling too tired and emotionally whipped to do anything else. "I pushed you into this. It's not really your fault. You didn't want to be exclusive and give up women. I forced the issue."

"You didn't force me into anything, Sean." Christian rubbed his shoulder and down his arm in a soothing motion. "I just want the chance to explain what happened. Then, if you can't accept it, and can't forgive me, I'll leave. I'll cooperate with splitting the practice. Whatever you want."

"So talk," Sean said, reaching for a couple Kleenex on the night stand, blowing his nose and wiping his face. He didn't move away from Christian, which part of him knew was probably a mistake.

"When I tried to fight him off or tell him no, one of Mr. Troy's favorite things to say was that I was a lying little fairy who liked taking it up the ass and I was just making a fuss to pretend I was a man and not a pussy."

Sean was horrified by that concept, by what it would do to a child's sexual identity and his development, and he opened his mouth to speak, but Christian continued before he had the chance.

"I've spent most of my life running away from that–proving him wrong. It wasn't until I was attacked...raped...that it brought it all to the surface again. I'm not glad that happened, but in a way, I'm glad I had to look at my childhood again, because it made me understand something about myself. I know I'm compulsive when it comes to sex. I've gone after it like some kind of glutton at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Or a collector who has to have every woman out there at least once."

"I'm sorry about what happened when you were a child, Christian. I hate what that bastard did to you, how he made you feel. I'm less angry at you than I am...afraid. I can't go through a loss like this again right now. The pain is too much."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've lived my whole goddamned life trying to prove that son of a bitch wrong. I'm in control, I'm a real man, I'm not gay. I've been some kind of...sexual vampire, using those encounters to keep me from disintegrating in the sunlight. Then I was raped by that psycho with her big rubber dick, and I felt like I was right back at the beginning, needing to prove that I wasn't what he said I was."

"Did fucking another man help you with that?" Sean asked, and Christian was silent for several seconds following the question.

"I never used you to exorcize my demons, Sean. I never fucked you, either. I made love to you. It's always been about love."

"So what was it about with the plant girl?"

"I haven't been able to get it up for anyone but you since the rape."

"I was foolish to think that would be enough," Sean said, fighting to keep his composure. He wasn't prepared to bawl like a baby in front of Christian. He'd humiliated himself enough in this relationship without adding that on top of it.

"I guess a part of me didn't think it was enough, either. I thought I had something to prove, if only to myself. And getting hard for that girl today, and throwing her on the desk and screwing her...it made me feel like the rape hadn't taken anything away from me. It didn't make me less of a man."

"I'm glad screwing that girl accomplished what screwing me failed to." Sean sat up, breaking their physical contact.

"When I was with her, all I could think about was what a waste of time and a good erection it was when it could have been you under me," Christian said, sitting up behind him and putting his hands on Sean's shoulders. Sean stood up and turned to face him.

"That's good, Christian. Did you think of that right away or did you have to drive around the block a few times rehearsing it?"

"It's the truth, Sean. I guess I can't blame you for not believing it. I had to sample something off the buffet one more time, just to know I made the right choice, for the right reasons. That I wasn't hiding from the world because of what Troy did to me, or because of Nanette Badcock," he said, intentionally mispronouncing her name, "and not because I was afraid to have a sex life again with anyone but the person I trust most in the world. I wanted to know I made this choice because it was what was really right for me. I guess I went about proving that to myself in a pretty selfish and disgusting way, and I'm sorry. I don't expect you to instantly forgive me. I'm just asking you to give me a chance to earn your trust again, because I love you more than anything else in this world, and it can't be too late now that I know I'm finally where I belong and that you're the only one I want," he concluded, his voice breaking.

Sean stared at him for a moment. Part of him was terrified that this was all just a complex excuse to get Christian off the hook, and that he'd cheat with the next willing woman that crossed his path. Another part, the part that had known this man most of their adult lives, could hear sincerity in Christian's words. That same part knew that what they had together was incredibly beautiful, and that he'd never felt that kind of love or passion before, and was unlikely to feel it again with anyone but the man sitting across from him. He moved closer and sat beside Christian on the side of the bed.

"How do I know this isn't going to keep happening?" he asked. "I can't handle it, Christian. I know that probably makes me uptight, and a prude, and I honestly wish I could be happy with a casual arrangement, but I can't. I love you too much to watch you...be with other people. I want to be with someone who thinks I'm enough. I need that now. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong with me, or what I'm not doing, or what I don't have."

"That wasn't the first time I've done it with that girl."

"That's supposed to make me feel better?"

"No, but it tells me something. The physical reactions were all there, like the other times, but my heart wasn't in it. Not that I had any worthwhile feelings for her before, but when I was with her, let's just say I was definitely with her. Today, by the time you walked in on us, I was bored, and it all felt stale and empty. I was getting off physically, but it was such a pathetic substitute for how I feel when we're making love that I realized it wasn't something I need in my life anymore. I'm not going to say I'm never going to miss what a pussy feels like, or a great pair of tits, but I am saying that they're not that important compared to what I'm getting. So stop trying to figure out why you're not enough, because you're everything."

"I want so badly to believe you," Sean said honestly, looking Christian in the eyes.

"I don't deserve your trust after today. I know that. I can't do more than give you my word, which is probably not all that meaningful at this point, that it won't happen again. I was confused about some things, and I needed to clear my head, to get some perspective. I have that perspective now."

"You're not just telling me what you think I want to hear, are you? Because don't do that." Sean took a deep breath. "I'll try to handle going back to being friends and partners if we have to end this part of our relationship. I don't want you to try to hold this together because of the practice."

"I wouldn't do that. That would mean everything I've said to you was a lie to protect my income, and even I wouldn't stoop that low."

"I'm sorry. I had to know that it was just about us, and not the business."

"I didn't know Annie was in your office. I swear I didn't, Sean. You know how much I love her. I talked with her downstairs, told her that we had an argument, and I was way out of line with how I acted. She was barely speaking when she let me in–then she told me I better not make you feel bad because I'd already made you cry and made you sick."

"I just told her I wasn't feeling well," Sean said, snorting a little laugh. "I guess I wasn't fooling her. I suppose I try to shelter her too much, even when she already knows the score."

"I think I have some work to do to get back in her good graces." Christian paused. "Do I stand any chance of getting back in yours?"

"I know you've been through a lot with the whole Nanette Babcock mess, and it brought up a lot of things from your past. Screwing that girl makes a certain kind of sense, it was just a little hard to walk in on, to accept when we have the kind of relationship we do now. Your sexual recovery wasn't complete when we got together, and not being successful sexually with a woman probably left you with some unfinished business."

"That's exactly how it felt."

"Did I break the bracelet?" Sean asked. Christian took it out of his pocket and examined it.

"Just the clasp. I'll take it to the jeweler tomorrow." He closed his hand around the bracelet and leaned toward Sean, venturing a try for a kiss, and was relieved when Sean didn't recoil. It was a soft, tentative contact, not unlike their very first kisses. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I forgive you," Sean said, smiling. "I might as well. My heart always does anyway, even when I don't want to."

"God bless it, then," Christian said, laying his hand over Sean's heart. "I love you, Sean."

"I love you, too," he responded, covering Christian's hand with his own. "Maybe you could redeem yourself with Annie if you took us all out to dinner at one of her favorite places."

"After Annie goes to bed, can we make up for real?" Christian noticed Sean's little flinch at that thought. "I feel like I went out for cheap beer when I had a bottle of Dom on ice at home."

"I'll wash my face and we'll take our daughter out for dinner. Some...images are a little fresh in my mind right now to talk about anything more. It's not the forgiving part, it's the forgetting, and that's going to take me a little while."

When they stood, Christian pulled Sean into an almost desperate hug.

"I'm so sorry," he said, kissing Sean's temple.

"I know you are." Sean stepped back. "We'll get through it. Right now, I think Annie needs to see us together, with everything okay."

When they arrived downstairs, Christian with his best godfather smile in place and Sean freshened up and dressed in casual clothes for their impending outing, Annie brightened up at her father's appearance.

"Do you feel better, Daddy?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm fine, princess. I feel a lot better. As a matter of fact, I thought maybe you could pick the restaurant for us all to go to."

"Did you make up?" she asked, casting a skeptical eye at Christian.

"We've got a few things to work out, but we made up, and I'm not mad at Christian."

"I'm sorry I upset you and your dad earlier, sweetheart. I didn't mean to," Christian said, kneeling next to Annie's chair at the table. "Forgive me?" he asked, looking hopeful. She finally smiled, putting her arms around his neck for a hug.

"I forgive you," she said. "But don't hurt Daddy's feelings anymore, okay?" she said, nailing him with a very assertive gaze. For a moment, he felt as if he were dealing with a small, female Sean.

"I'm going to do my very best not to," Christian replied. "You and Matt and your dad are the most important people in the world to me. You know that, right?"

"I know. What about Mommy?"

"Mommy, too," he said, smiling at her, stealing a look at Sean, who was amused by the whole exchange. He knew Annie loved him the way most little girls love their dads, but he was moved by her loyalty and her defensiveness on his behalf, which seemed more mature than her years.

********

"Is she asleep?" Christian asked as Sean came into the master bedroom and closed the door. Christian was already in bed, naked, hoping that Sean would follow his lead.

"She was pretty tired," he said, toeing off his shoes and beginning to undress. "She had fun, though," he added, referring to their dinner out and trip to the movies–generally a no-no on a school night.

"Do you think I'm all the way out of the doghouse?" Christian asked, and Sean smiled.

"If you behave yourself. She's pretty forgiving." Stripped down to his boxers, he paused a moment, then decided to leave them on before climbing into bed.

"How about her old man? How am I doing with him?"

"I think I understand what happened and why it happened, but the wound's a little fresh."

"Is that why I'm naked and you're not?"

"Forgiving you and being able to understand and acknowledge why you did what you did is one thing. I'm doing that. I just need some time to get past it, Christian."

"I didn't really want her, Sean. Once I had her, I didn't care. I just had to know I could still get it up for a woman, and that I could follow through. I had to know this was my choice. When you were being held at that cabin, and I wasn't sure if you'd live through that whole situation, I was terrified you'd die and I would have held back what I felt for you until it was too late. I think I might have pushed myself a little too fast into saying I'd be exclusive. That's where I've ended up, where I want to be now, but like you said earlier, there was some unfinished business I had to take care of."

"I'm not trying to drag this out or make you pay or hold back with you. I just don't want to be picturing you with her while we're making love, and right now, that's what would be going through my mind. I don't want her in bed with us literally or figuratively."

"Okay. Can I at least hold you?"

Sean didn't reply, but moved into Christian's embrace, resting his head on Christian's chest. Christian stroked Sean's hair gently.

"Do you think you can still love me the way you did before it happened?" Christian asked, his voice strained.

"If I didn't, we wouldn't be here."

They were quiet a long time, neither sleeping.

"Am I the one you want, or just the one you love?" Sean asked, his hushed voice seeming almost loud in the silence of the darkened room.

"Both," Christian responded, his heart aching that Sean felt the need to ask that question. He picked up Sean's hand where it rested on his chest and kissed it. "I meant it when I said you were everything. I need to know you believe me."

"I do." He paused. "You're both for me," he admitted quietly. "So tell me how to make this stop hurting like it does."

"You can't do it by yourself. You have to let me help you."

Christian shifted on his side and kissed Sean deeply, his tongue pushing gently until Sean's mouth opened for him, accepting the kiss fully. He rolled again so Sean was under him, still kissing him aggressively, putting all the passion he felt for him into those intense, almost bruising kisses. His hands moved over Sean's body, one sliding up and down his back while the other rubbed and pinched Sean's nipples to hard peaks. One of Sean's hands was in his hair, the other had a tight grip on his shoulder as they began humping against each other.

Determined Sean was going to be treated to more than an exhausting session of friction, Christian finally released Sean's mouth, leaving him gasping, his lips swollen and parted. Not lingering too long to savor the sight, he moved swiftly down Sean's body, sliding the boxers off with practiced expertise, and pushed his legs apart. He licked and sucked at the tender skin of the inner thighs, dangerously close to Sean's rapidly hardening cock. Sean's hands were on his head now, guiding Christian where he wanted him to go. Christian gladly went there, taking Sean in his mouth, sucking him with an intensity that made Sean cry out until he stuffed a fist in his mouth to keep quiet.

Christian's hands slid under Sean's ass and kneaded his buttocks, letting a stray finger move into the crack and find the little pucker there, teasing it and rubbing over it. Sean arched up at that stimulation, and before either of them expected it, he was coming, biting into his own flesh to keep from shouting Christian's name.

"You want to ride me?" Christian asked, retrieving the lube from the night stand.

"Like an electric bull in a redneck bar," Sean responded, making Christian laugh out loud. "Give me that stuff," Sean said, taking the tube of gel. He hastily lubricated himself, then coated Christian's erection. Faster than Christian ever expected, Sean lowered himself onto the hard cock, wincing a little at the speed of the penetration, but not willing to slow it down.

He moved up and down rapidly, smiling at Christian's surprised expression as it gave way to an expression of intense sexual pleasure and concentration. Christian reached up and pulled him forward, the sudden change of angles making him moan just as his mouth was captured for more kisses. Then Christian sat up, Sean's legs wrapping around his hips as they kept up their frantic rhythm. Their mouths never parted, devouring each other, their arms wrapped tightly around each other.

Christian tore his mouth away, licking at Sean's throat, seeking just the right spot to suck hard, marking him precisely where his collar would not quite cover it. Sean's head tilted back, exposing more of his throat to Christian's ministrations. Happy to oblige, Christian sucked in another patch of skin, lower this time, and then another spot on Sean's collarbone. Taking Christian by surprise, Sean shifted a bit and angled his head to attack a very prominent spot on the side of Christian's neck, sucking hard to be sure he left his brand.

When they came, they came together, stifling their cries with more kisses, riding out the waves of the orgasm until both were finally finished. Sweaty and sated, they stayed in their entwined position, sitting in the middle of the disarrayed bedding, holding each other, still joined.

"Was that better?" Sean asked, breathlessly, looking into Christian's eyes hopefully.

"Better than what?" Christian asked, a little confused in the post-orgasmic haze.

"Better than this afternoon?" he asked, still waiting for the answer, looking as if his life depended on it.

"Better than anyone else, anywhere else, ever," Christian said, pulling Sean closer, holding him tight. "Oh, love, nobody compares with you," he said. "From now on, there's nobody but you, for any reason, ever."

********

The first light of dawn was breaking through, casting a faint glow of impending daylight on the room. Christian was propped on one elbow, watching Sean sleep. He rarely saw Sean at complete peace, without at least a little worry line between his brows, or a slight scrunch of the forehead. Sound asleep, the sheet casually across his waist, lying on his back with one hand next to him on the pillow, palm up, this Sean didn't look much different than the one he roomed with in college. Unable to resist touching any longer, he reached over and very lightly stroked the side of the sleeping face with the backs of his fingers. Sean didn't wake up, but he leaned into the touch, a slight smile curving his mouth. His lips still looked a little pinker than usual, and the spots Christian had marked the night before stood out in vivid contrast to Sean's fair complexion.

Still feeling a little drowsy so early in the morning, Christian moved closer, laying his head on the same pillow. Sean stirred and turned toward him so they were almost nose to nose, sharing the same air.

"What time is it?" he slurred.

"Early. Go back to sleep," he whispered, kissing Sean's lips very gently.

Sean moved even closer, wrapping his arms around Christian, who responded in kind immediately, their bodies pressing together, legs intertwined.

"I love you," Christian said softly, unable to keep from voicing it.

"I love you, too. I always will," Sean responded, and in a few moments, his breathing was deep and even again. Christian followed him into sleep, treasuring these last moments of intimacy before the routine of the day intruded.

********

Linda was at the front desk when Sean and Christian walked in the next morning, having driven in to work together.

"Good morning, Linda," Sean said cheerily.

"Any messages for us?" Christian asked, pausing at the desk with Sean.

"Uh, just one from one of the patients we cancelled yesterday." She handed it to Sean. "I wasn't sure if I should keep the schedule set for today," she said, obviously noticing the edge of the bright pink mark that peeked over Sean's color, and the vibrant spot that unabashedly flaunted itself inside the open collar of Christian's red shirt.

"Everything's back on track, Linda," Sean said. "Is Mrs. Gilmore ready for me?" he said.

"She's being prepped."

"I'll go find out what Mrs. DeLancey wants lifted or tucked," Christian said, taking the file Linda handed him for the patient who was already waiting for him. "I'll see you later," Christian said to Sean, kissing his mouth so quickly that even Sean didn't see it coming. "Oh, and when Renee comes in," he said, referring to the appointment secretary, "would you ask her to cancel the greenhouse service?"

"Cancel...oh, yes, of course," she said, realization dawning. Christian's antics were no secret to the staff, and it hadn't taken a detective to figure out what the latest McNamara/Troy set-to was about.

"Thank you," he said, then casually strolled down the hall to his office.

Sean looked at Linda, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, not sure exactly what to say.

"I guess I have a patient waiting," he said, smiling a little uneasily and heading down the hall.

In the years she'd worked at McNamara/Troy, Linda had seen some strange things, and heard some even stranger ones. Shrugging, she went back to organizing the day's patient charts.

********

Annie was diligently tearing lettuce and adding it to the bowl while Christian sat at the table with her, slicing the other vegetables bound for the salad. Sean smiled at the scene as he checked on the spaghetti boiling on the stove, and the pot of sauce bubbling nearby. He didn't have a wide array of cooking skills, but he knew how to boil pasta, and the gourmet spaghetti sauce was better than what most people came up with from scratch. The house on the beach was already feeling like home and, truth be told, he couldn't wait to move out of his present home and live here full time. Even when Annie was staying with them, her school commute could be solved by Sean going into town an hour early, and Annie swore she'd never complain about getting up extra early if they could live at the beach.

"Smells good," Christian said, moving up so close behind Sean that their bodies almost touched.

"It's almost done."

"I wasn't talking about the sauce," he whispered in Sean's ear.

"Keep it G-rated," Sean replied, also whispering.

"You aren't wearing anything under your shorts, are you?" he asked, his voice still so low only Sean could hear it. Annie was still oblivious, happily tossing the salad ingredients together. Dressed in an old blue tank shirt and shorts, Sean didn't consider he was exactly emanating sex appeal, but Christian seemed to have other ideas.

"Are you packing a cucumber in your shorts or are you just glad to see me?" Sean joked, feeling a hardening bulge nudging him. "Cool it. I don't want to have to explain why Uncle Christian's shorts are standing at attention," he whispered, though he was smiling.

"You guys should just kiss. It's not like I haven't seen you do it before," Annie said, shaking her head.

"You heard the child, Sean." Christian waited while Sean turned around and then pulled him close, leaning down slightly for a kiss. It was a lot briefer and with a lot less tongue than Christian liked, but when they pulled back, he smiled.

"G-rated," he said, and Sean just chuckled, breaking the embrace and going to the table to check on Annie's progress with the salad. It looked a little messy and chaotic, but all the ingredients were good, and she'd had a blast throwing them all together. "Looks like a great salad, princess," he said, stealing an olive that hadn't made it into the bowl.

"I don't like olives," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"We'll put them in a dish on the side, how about that?"

"Okay. I'll get one." She went to the cupboard for the dish, which Christian retrieved for her from an upper shelf.

The doorbell rang, and Sean started toward it. "I'll get it." Making his way to the door in his shorts, tank shirt, and flip-flops, he felt every bit the beach dweller, and it agreed with him. He swung open the door, and was stunned to see Matt on the other side of it.

"I thought I'd take you up on your invitation to see the place. I used the security code you gave me for the gate. I hope that's okay."

"Of course, it's fine. Come in. We want you to think of this as your home, too, Matt." Sean was happy to see his son had an overnight bag with him. "We've got a room made up for you, just in case. You can do whatever you want with it to make it yours."

"I thought I heard your voice out here," Christian said, coming into the living room, Annie in tow.

"I thought I should see the place, you know, visit," he said, seeming a little uneasy yet around his two fathers as a couple.

"Your room is really cool!" Annie effervesced. "It's got lots of windows!"

"Annie, why don't you show Matt his room, and Uncle Christian and I will finish setting up for dinner. Give us about ten minutes," he said, looking at Matt. "I hope you're hungry. I was kind of hoping you might come, so we made a lot of food," he admitted.

"Yeah, well, I could eat. So where's this great new room of mine?" he asked, Annie, who grabbed his hand and led him down the hall to the first floor bedroom.

With dinner on the table, and everyone digging into brimming plates, the conversation was still a little slow.

"This is a pretty awesome house," Matt finally said. "Great views of the beach."

"I'm glad you like it, Matt. We meant it when we said this is your home, too. Anytime you want to stay with us, all you have to do is show up," Sean said, hoping he didn't sound too desperate. The truth was, Matt's approval and acceptance of their new life was the only thing missing to move him from happy to ecstatic.

"It's a long drive in to school, and the way my car's been acting up, it's not too practical," he said. Sean didn't miss the broad hint about the sensible used car he'd insisted on buying for Matt instead of something new and flashy, and neither did Christian, who raised an eyebrow in Sean's direction. Sean knew his partner was a hair's breadth from buying their son some obscenely priced sports car, but he also knew his own more conservative views on what Matt should be driving would be respected. So far, they'd done quite well functioning as a couple, despite some of their very definite differences.

"You'll need a good car when you go away to college," Sean said, not looking up from his plate.

"That's what I was telling Mom, but she says she can't afford it."

There was a little stab in Sean's heart when he suspected Matt's sudden acceptance of their weekend invitation might have a motive other than showing his support for their union. He was surprised to feel Christian's hand on his knee under the table, as if he'd read his thoughts.

"Did Julia bring you here tonight?" Christian asked.

"She dropped me off, but it's like an hour each way, so I probably won't be able to come out here much."

"Unless you had a better car," Sean said, wishing Matt had just let him enjoy the illusion of the visit for a few hours before moving in for the kill. He laid his knife and fork down, and took in a breath. "Have you been looking at anything in particular?" he asked, forcing a smile.

"I was thinking about a mid-sized SUV. You know, something really roadworthy for the trip out to UCLA."

"There are better pre-med programs in the world, Matty. Right here, close to home," Christian said, knowing Matt's insistence on UCLA was a sore spot with Sean. He'd hoped his son would choose a school closer to home, but was committed to letting him make his own decision, provided he picked a reputable place with a good program.

"Yeah, well, joining study groups with my mom is a little weird, and I think it's time I got away from home and lived on my own a while."

"Your mother and I will talk about the car situation, Matt," Sean said, picking at his garlic bread disinterestedly.

"Cool," Matt said, nodding. "Thanks."

"Don't thank us until you've got wheels," Sean replied.

********

"I don't think I'll ever take a bath alone again," Christian said, enjoying the gentle glide of the sponge over his back as he sat in the warm bath he was sharing with Sean.

"Not much reason you have to," Sean replied, finishing the wash job.

"You're still upset about Matt and the car thing."

"I'm not upset," Sean said, handing Christian the sponge and turning his back to him. "Disappointed, maybe."

"I don't think Matt's that much of a hypocrite," Christian responded, soaping up Sean's back. "If he really couldn't stand being around us, I don't think the promise of a new car would bring him here."

"I guess I've just heard too many horror stories about teenagers and alcohol and cars... I thought him having a moderately priced used car was a good way to keep him from tearing up the roads in it. Look at Henry's car, and where it got him."

"He's right about needing a better one for college, and he could bring Annie out here. For that matter, if he stayed with us at the same time Annie did, he could take her to school in the morning."

"You don't need to plead his case, Christian. I know he needs a better car."

"I wasn't pleading his case," Christian said, wrapping his arms around Sean from behind. "We're in this together, remember?"

"Maybe Julia put him up to it. She's waiting for the final papers to be signed, so she probably doesn't want to jeopardize the settlement by throwing a car for Matt into the deal right now. But if he asks..."

"I wonder how I could get you to relax," Christian said against Sean's ear, his hand sliding down to stroke Sean's lax cock. Sean leaned back against him, closing his eyes, just enjoying the sensations. "Could we try again?" Christian asked.

"Try what?" Sean asked through a yawn.

"You inside me," he said, finding it difficult to put into words. Sean straightened and turned to face him, his expression a mixture of love and hope, tinged with concern.

"Are you sure? Christian, you know there's no rush–"

"I know. You've been really patient about it. You've let me have my cake and eat it."

"I thought it was my cake you were eating," Sean teased, grinning.

"The first time is never going to come easily for me, I know that. But I want to try. I promise I won't go crazy on you again."

"I'm not worried about that. I just want to be sure the timing's right for you."

"I don't know, but it feels like it."

"Maybe we should take this discussion into the bedroom."

They toweled off and went into the bedroom, which was dimly lit by a single lamp. Standing next to the bed, they held each other's gaze for a long moment before Sean tilted Christian's head down for a kiss, their mouths falling into a familiar dance of passion. In a moment, their arms were around each other, bodies pressed together, kisses deepening until everything else ceased to exist but each other and the mounting desire between them.

Neither was truly certain when they moved from standing to lying on the bed. All that mattered was each other, and what they were about to share. Christian was participating, but he was letting Sean take the lead, lying beneath him and relinquishing control...willingly and almost joyfully. Sean moved down Christian's body, kissing and licking rapidly hardening nipples, running his tongue in a maddeningly slow path from Christian's heart to his groin, determined to tease and play with him until he was so ready for release that there was no room for fear.

When Christian had entered Sean the first time, he'd been on his back, able to see his lover while they were joined. It had taken so much of the apprehension out of the experience that Sean knew it was the only way for his first time taking Christian. They needed that emotional and visual connection along with the physical.

Christian was already holding his legs up and apart, giving Sean access to every part of him. Remembering how Christian had loved the sensation of his tongue down there, Sean settled in on the mattress between Christian's upraised legs, taking his time, worshiping his lover's body with his tongue, relaxing the taut ring of muscle with persistent kissing, licking, and sucking. When Christian was almost fully erect, moaning and shifting on the bed in response to his efforts, Sean paused long enough to retrieve the lube.

"Just my finger, partner," he said softly, not wanting to surprise Christian in a bad way when his desire and trust in this act was so tenuous. Christian responded with a slight nod, though he had an expression not unlike that worn by some of their patients when they'd assure them, "this won't hurt a bit." He kissed Christian's inner thigh, running his hand up and down the outer side, loving the silky feel of the dark hair there. "I love you so much it scares me," he said, letting the emotion of the moment sweep over him, risking the pause in the physical action.

"Only you," Christian said, locking gazes with Sean. Sean's heart, and his eyes, filled. He knew what Christian meant. Only he would ever be trusted in this most intimate of places, in the very spot that held such fear and traumatic memories for Christian.

He rubbed his finger around the opening, coating it with the gel, before carefully slipping just the tip inside. He engulfed the head of Christian's cock in his mouth, determined to keep Christian relaxed and stimulated through every stage of their lovemaking. He eased his finger in a bit farther, and he felt Christian's body noticeably relax.

"Feels good," he said, watching Sean with a soft smile. Encouraged, Sean became a bit more aggressive, lubricating and stretching Christian gently. When he withdrew the first finger, and added more lube, he hesitated.

"It's okay, Sean. Just try it."

"If you don't like it, I'll stop," he promised, putting his mouth back to good use on Christian's cock while he eased two fingers into the tight passage. He just left them there a moment, letting Christian get used to the additional stretching. Then he moved them a bit, searching for Christian's prostate. When his finger brushed over it, Christian's body arched and he gasped, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Taking that as a good sign, Sean tried it again, and drew a guttural groan from his lover. "When I'm inside you, that's what I'll be touching," he said, withdrawing his fingers and hastily rolling on the condom and coating himself with the lube. He gestured at one of the pillows on the bed, and Christian nodded, raising up as Sean quickly placed it under him.

When his cock was pressed against the entrance to Christian's body, he pushed gently, pausing as Christian took in a sharp breath. Sean remembered how Christian had rubbed his belly that first time, easing the cramping and relaxing him. He did the same, leaning forward to plant a kiss over Christian's heart.

"Relax, my love," he said softly. "It's just me."

Something in those last words seemed to strike a chord, as he could feel some of the initial resistance lessening, and he moved forward a bit more.

"It's love, Christian. It's my love going inside you," he said, forcing himself to focus on words and not the amazing sensation of that tight channel around his cock like a custom-made glove. Sean had only tried sex this way once or twice with a woman, but the tightness and the intensity of it had amazed him. Now, being inside Christian this way, knowing the trust he was being granted, what Christian was overcoming to let him do this, it was all he could do not to come right then.

A moment later, he slid the rest of the way inside, and they were joined. He reached up and caressed Christian's face.

"This is the most beautiful moment of my life," he managed, brushing away a single tear that trickled out of Christian's eye. He knew there were tears on his own cheeks, and he didn't care. He'd never felt this close to anyone; he'd never been as intimate emotionally, psychologically, and sexually with anyone as he was with Christian.

He began a very slow, easy motion, unable to stifle his own moans of pleasure at the tight muscles that were surrounding him. Christian pulled him down and they kissed, Christian's legs wrapping around Sean's back while they made love. Their shared gasps and stifled moans of pleasure mingled, warm, damp skin sliding against skin, their bodies pleasuring each other effortlessly now, as if they'd been doing this for years.

Sean was nearing his climax, and he straightened a bit, holding onto Christian's thighs as he felt the first waves coming over him. Christian was coming with him then, the sounds of their shared climax softened to keep them within the confines of the room.

When it was over, Sean carefully eased out of Christian, slipping the pillow from under him. They moved into each other's arms and lay there together, sharing kisses and caresses.

"Thank you," Christian whispered, kissing Sean deeply.

"That's my line," Sean replied, smiling. "It was beautiful. I couldn't have fantasized about anything that beautiful."

"It feels like you just turned the lights on in my soul," Christian said, a couple fresh tears spilling from his eyes. Sean didn't care if crying after sex seemed manly or not. He let go of his own shaky hold on his emotions, and they shared a few tears together, for both the depth of their feelings, and the significance of what Christian had just said, and the milestone they'd faced together.

"I can't imagine my life without you."

"You don't have to," Christian responded. They wrapped their arms tightly around each other and let themselves doze, drifting in a haze of love and erotic dreams that could not possibly live up to their shared reality.

********

Christian was still asleep when Sean woke, disturbed by the morning sunshine streaming in the windows. He watched his partner for a while, just enjoying lying next to him, watching his chest rise and fall with the even breathing of deep sleep. He had to smile when Christian opened just one eye.

"Busted," Sean admitted, smiling. "I was watching."

"C'mere," he said, pulling Sean down for kisses, their bodies rubbing against each other, morning erections growing more urgent with each motion. Not stopping to break their kisses, they each grasped the other's hard cock and began pumping, the simple hand job allowing them to sate their needs without giving up their closeness.

This climax was less intense and less explosive than what they'd shared the night before, but it was a pleasurable release that made a little extra napping in each other's arms seem like a good idea.

"How early do the kids get up?" Christian asked, his fingers slipping through Sean's hair in feather light caresses while Sean placed little kisses on Christian's neck and collarbone.

"Annie likes to sleep in on the weekend. I got up about three and looked in on her," Sean said. "Strange house, different room–I wanted to be sure she was asleep. Matt'll just get up and make himself some coffee when he's ready."

"You're a pretty good dad, you know that? I never realized that."

"You think so? It always seemed like I missed the boat on a lot of it."

"I think you did okay. Annie lights up like Christmas when you walk in the room."

"She's not old enough to start critiquing my parenting skills."

"She's more astute than you think."

"Tell me about it." Sean chuckled.

After lounging in bed a while longer, they decided to get up and get ready for the day. The smell of coffee was wafting through the house, and even Annie was sure to be up and around before long. They shared a shower, then shaved and dressed in tank shirts and shorts. Sean peeked in Annie's door on the way downstairs to discover she was already up. When they arrived downstairs, she was eating cereal at the table.

"Where's Matt?" Sean asked while Christian kissed the top of her head and went to the coffee pot to pour them two cups.

"He fixed me breakfast and went outside," she said as Sean kissed her cheek and sat next to her at the table.

"How do like the house, sweetheart?" Christian asked, sipping his coffee as he set Sean's in front of him.

"It's nice. I love my room. If I leave the window open, I can hear the ocean at night."

"We're glad you like it, princess," Sean replied, smiling.

"I don't think Matt likes it much, though. He seemed kind of grumpy this morning."

"He did, huh?" Sean asked. "Maybe I should go see what Matt's up to outside." Sean rose, and taking his coffee with him, went outside.

Matt was standing on the beach, holding his coffee, staring out at the water. Sean made his way over to where his son stood, bracing himself for a chilly reception. While Matt had shown up for dinner and to stay over the weekend, he'd launched into his bid for a better car almost instantly. As much as he hated to think that way, Sean was plagued by the idea that Matt was dangling like a carrot what he knew Sean wanted most–his acceptance of the shift in Sean's and Christian's relationship–in order to get what he wanted. He hoped Christian's belief was true, that Matt's acceptance–real or faked–couldn't be bought that easily.

"Great view, huh?" Sean commented, watching Matt.

"Yeah, it's great," he responded, not very enthusiastic.

"Why don't you just say what's on your mind, Matt."

"Annie said you were thinking about having a wedding."

"I think Annie was thinking about it more than we were, but once she mentioned it, we definitely started considering it. Does that thought bother you?"

"Come on, Dad. You have to ask?"

"Same sex couples have commitment ceremonies all the time."

"I can't believe this is you! I feel like some kind of alien took over your body. I've always talked the kinky stuff over with Christian because I thought you couldn't handle it."

"Surprise," Sean said, shrugging. "Look, I know this is a big adjustment, but you're not a child anymore, Matt. You're a man. I hope you're an open-minded, tolerant man, because that's how your mother and I tried to raise you."

"It's a lot easier to tolerate a concept than a reality."

"Wise words," Sean said, nodding. "It's easy to tolerate other people's differences when they're not in your own family." Sean paused, sighing. "What bothers you most about this? What your friends will think? The idea of Christian and I having sex? Living together?"

"Yes," Matt said, smiling in spite of himself. "It all bothers me. And the fact it bothers me, bothers me."

"Is there anything we could do that would make you more comfortable with it?"

"Yeah. Tell me you aren't having sex and don't ever kiss where I can see you," Matt responded, a slight grin still on his face. Sean felt a little of the stress drain out of him at the lack of hostility in the response.

"This didn't have anything to do with the divorce, I just want you to know that. This happened when that was already in motion."

"I know."

"At the risk of making you even more uneasy, I love Christian in a way I've never loved anyone else. No one's every really loved me the way he does. I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I'm speaking against my marriage to your mother, which I don't want to do. But it's like for the first time, I know what it's like to be loved passionately. I'm the one Christian wants. I'm not a stand in, or a second choice, or just the husband someone feels obligated to. He loves me because of who I am, the way I am. This probably doesn't make much sense."

"I know the break up was painful for you and mom both." Matt paused. "I didn't think much of it when you threw mom out of the house."

"I was out of my mind, Matt. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was in a haze of rage and pain...I know there were things I didn't handle well."

"But I know she hurt you, too. There aren't many divorces that are all one person's fault."

"Pretty shrewd observation for someone your age."

"Yeah, well, I have a lot of friends with divorced parents, and there are usually way more sides to the story than I want to hear."

"Things like that usually aren't cut-and-dried."

"The idea of you and Uncle Christian–it kind of freaks me out, you know?"

"The idea of your parents having sex is weird enough, I know."

"Well, yeah, but you get used to that."

"Maybe you'll get used to this."

"I'm working on it," Matt said.

"That means a lot to me–that you're trying. It's all I can ask."

"Mom seems happier since there's some kind of settlement in the wind. Sometimes she seems really sad that things aren't the way they used to be, but most of the time, she's involved with her classes and going out with Kevin and their zennis stuff," he added, rolling his eyes a little. "I guess it's only fair you should be able to be happy, too."

"If we had a ceremony, would you come to it?"

"Yeah, I'd be there," Matt said, smiling.

"Thanks," Sean said, swallowing his emotions.

"About the car–Mom thought I should talk to you about it. I didn't come out here for that reason."

"I know," Sean said, lying, wishing he'd listened to Christian and not spent so many hours fretting over it.

"My car's good enough. Besides, I know Mom got a pretty sweet deal in the divorce, so I'm not here to get my slice of the pie."

"I don't feel that way about it, Matt," Sean said, chuckling at the choice of words. "You're our son, and we both love you, and we want what's best for you. It doesn't always sound that way when you start adding in college funds and child support in a divorce deal–it's easy for kids to feel like commodities. But none of us–not your mom, or Christian, or me–feel that way about you or Annie. We all want the best for you both. Your mom and I have to duke it out over settlement issues, and that might include talking about expenses related to our children. Just don't ever think that either one of you are dollars and cents to us."

"I didn't think that, but thanks, anyway."

Sean hugged his son, patting his back before releasing him.

"We'll take a ride into town later and look at some cars. If you want to go to UCLA, we'll make sure you go there in a good vehicle."

"Thanks, Dad. You don't have to do that if money's too tight now."

"I have money for the priorities. You and Annie are right up at the top of that list."

********

A MONTH LATER...

********

Sean sat across the small conference table from his lawyer, reviewing the divorce papers in front of him.

"All in all, I think it's a reasonable settlement," she said. "We could have probably done a bit better if we'd taken it to court, but that would have taken quite a toll on your daughter, and probably on your reputation."

"I'm satisfied," he said, still staring at the papers.

Julia would have the house, and Sean would make the mortgage payments and pay the taxes and necessities like utilities and basic maintenance costs until Julia became a doctor, or for eight years, whichever came first. Annie's and Matt's college funds were set aside before other assets were divvied up. Sean would pay Julia's tuition for the credits necessary for her to get her medical degree, but not beyond. Julia got her car and all the contents of the house except certain items specified that belonged to Sean, like the contents of his office. Generous child support was established for Annie with no quibbles from Sean. He wanted his daughter to experience as little upheaval as possible from the split. Child support for Matt only constituted a few months of payments, as he was fast approaching eighteen.

In return for all that, Sean had shared custody of Annie and Julia made no claim on his practice or its profits.

"Even if you're ready to move on, there's something very final about signing the papers," Meredith said, smiling slightly. "Would like a few minutes?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Sean said, flipping to the signature page and scrawling his signature quickly in the areas indicated. Julia had already signed them. "Now what?"

"You're divorced," she said, taking the papers from him.

"That was simple," he commented, slumping back in the chair. "I haven't been single in eighteen years. It feels strange."

"You're not really single now, are you?" Meredith asked.

"No, I guess I'm not," he said, cheered by the thought.

"I hope you won't think of this as drumming up business, but you and Dr. Troy would be wise to make some legal arrangements between you–power of attorney, living wills, beneficiary issues on your insurances and in your wills. Same sex couples don't have the same automatic inheritance or decision-making rights that married couples do."

"I appreciate the advice. We'll make an appointment to come back in and see you to get all that straightened out."

"I'm glad. It's difficult when a couple doesn't have those arrangements in place and circumstances come up suddenly."

"Thank you for your help, Meredith," Sean said, rising and extending his hand, which she shook as she rose from her seat.

"You and your ex-wife worked out most of the details, but I'm happy to have helped."

Sean didn't stop to make an appointment with Meredith's secretary, though he planned to follow through with it soon. She was right about one thing–same sex couples didn't have the same guaranteed rights, and he wanted to take the steps necessary to protect their wishes. Still, thinking about death, illness, and beneficiaries didn't do much to lift his spirits. Divorce sucked, even if the marriage was ready to be put out of its misery. There was a sad finality to ending what began with romance and dreams and plans with a few pen strokes on a stack of legal documents.

As he slipped behind the wheel of his car and started the engine, his cell phone rang. It was Christian.

"Are you officially a free man?" he asked.

"I just signed the papers."

"I just finished with our last patient of the day, and it's Friday. What do you say we meet at the office and drive out to the beach?"

"Sounds great," Sean said, smiling at the thought.

He made record time reaching the parking garage, pulling in next to Christian's Ferrari. His partner was already leaning against the side of the car, waiting for him. As soon as Sean got out of his car and shut the door, Christian approached him and they shared a quick embrace.

"You okay?" Christian asked, stepping back.

"It's a little weird, but I'm good. It was time, and now I'm free to move on."

"Let's pick up a bottle of great champagne and go celebrate our official new beginning."

"You're on," Sean responded, smiling and getting into the passenger side of the Ferrari while Christian hurried around to the driver's seat.

They stopped for a quick meal at a nearby seafood restaurant, and then at a wine shop to pick up their champagne before enjoying a leisurely drive out to the beach. It always felt like escaping from the world when they opened the front gate and drove in, seeing it close behind them. Secluded from the road behind trees, and opening up to a panoramic ocean view out back, it felt like a little slice of paradise just an hour's drive from the rest of their lives.

"We really need to start thinking about putting a few of our own touches on this place," Christian said as he unlocked the front door. The decor overall is fine, but we need to make it ours."

"I thought we'd done that by christening every room in the house, including the downstairs guest half-bath."

"Don't tell me you're still bitching because of that faucet thing," Christian remarked as he tossed his sport coat on the back of the couch.

"Having a decorative faucet partway up your ass isn't comfortable," Sean retorted, no real anger in his voice. They'd gotten a fairly good laugh out of it at the time, when Sean mis-aimed trying to "hop up on the vanity" as Christian had helpfully suggested. He'd "over-hopped" a bit, and become intimately acquainted with the faucet, much to Christian's unending amusement.

"Oh, quit complaining. I kissed it and made it better, didn't I?"

"That you did," Sean conceded, chuckling as he put the champagne in the refrigerator under the bar. "What do you say we change and take our champagne out on the beach?"

"Sounds great. We better hurry, though."

"Why is that?" Sean asked, frowning.

"We're going up to the bedroom to take our clothes off, Sean. Since when have we gotten back out of the bedroom without a significant delay under similar circumstances?"

"Let's go."

By the time they made it to the upstairs hall, they were pulling at each other's clothes, kissing desperately, as if they hadn't seen each other in months. Truth be told, they'd made love that morning before going to the office. That had seemed a little rushed, but it was nothing compared to this. Each relishing being with his partner who knew how much he was loved without a lot of preliminaries, they were naked on the bed in record time.

Even though he knew it was absurd for a stack of legal papers to make him feel more uninhibited in bed, the divorce papers were having that effect on Sean. He wasn't having sex in the bed he used to share with Julia, or the one Christian had shared with countless women. This was their bed, he was single again, and they were on the brink of making their own lifetime commitment. He pushed Christian away and rolled over, getting up on all fours.

It was an invitation Christian didn't linger to accept. He dove for the night stand and pulled out a very well-worn tube and a condom, preparing himself in record time. He used a gel-coated finger to give Sean a perfunctory stretch and lubrication, which was met with impatience.

"Just do it, Christian," he urged, not wanting to lose the raw urgency of the moment with prolonged mechanics. He wondered about his own sanity a moment later when he was shouting and grabbing the sheets in response to a lightning-fast penetration that didn't give him time to slowly adjust to anything, or urge Christian on.

As he grappled with a strangely delicious combination of intense pleasure and mild pain, Christian started a rough, rapid pace of thrusts, most of them grazing Sean's prostate, making him cry out each time. He dropped down on his elbows, hands clutching the sheets, unconscious of anything but pure pleasure now, his whole body focused on the rapid friction and possessive reaming his ass was getting. Christian was moaning and breathing heavily behind him, their sweat mingling, the bed springs creaking frantically with the pace of their sex. Something about that noise was an added turn on, like an audible accompaniment to the sensations that made Sean's knuckles go white where he gripped the bedding, and made him release a guttural scream from the pit of his soul as he started coming, nearly crazy from the pace that never relented as his body jerked and spasmed.

Christian was coming, too, and as Sean's orgasm waned, Christian's hit its crescendo, taking the final uneven, desperate strokes his body needed to finish.

When it was over, Sean lay on the bed on his stomach, Christian lying on Sean's back, still inside him. They were both silent a while, breathing heavily, letting their bodies recover from the action. Then Christian started kissing the nape of Sean's neck, nuzzling the damp ringlets of hair there.

"That was the best sex I ever had," he said against Sean's ear. Coming from Christian, Sean was stunned and euphoric all at the same time. Porn stars, supermodels, even plant girls not withstanding, Christian had just given him the title. While he knew he had Christian's heart, part of him had felt a little insecure about having his lust as well as his love.

"Making love with you is better than anything I've done with anyone else."

"I wish I could enjoy it like you do–being on the receiving end. I enjoy it when it happens, but getting wild like this...it scares the hell out of me. It even scared me to do it to you, but then I got so into it, and you were so into it, that I couldn't help it. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to."

"I didn't want you to stop. Christian, you don't have to prove anything to me, and we don't have to turn this into a score-keeping game where every time we do something in bed, we have to reverse it to even the score."

"Did I hurt you?"

"I'll probably avoid sitting on any hard surfaces all weekend, but it's a small price to pay for what that felt like."

"The pain doesn't bother you?"

Sean started to turn, and Christian carefully eased out of him. When they were both on their sides, facing each other, Sean answered.

"It's not pain like it is when you're injured, or when something violent was done to you against your will. It's just a dull ache, like when you've used muscles a little more than what they're used to, and some rawness, but even that's not bad. You were a little sore after the first time we did it with me in you."

"A little, yes, but we didn't do anything like this."

"You just said it was the best sex you ever had, and I enjoyed every second of it, so there's nothing to worry about."

"I don't want to hurt you. Sometimes it bothers me that I thought this was the best sex instead of something gentler. Does that say something about me?"

"It says you're normal–we just did it like dogs in heat and it was fun. Just like it's going to be great the next time we do it with soft music and champagne and a lot of playing around. That's one of the things I love about us this way–we know what's between us, so if we want to just have a good time, we don't have to spend hours setting the stage."

"You want to take a bath and then take the champagne down to the beach?" Christian suggested, wrapping Sean in his arms, relishing the answering embrace and the feeling of Sean's body against his when they were both too sated to do anything but be close.

"Sounds great, but I need a nap first. We should still be able to watch the sunset after a quick snooze."

"Go to sleep, my love. I'll make sure we're awake in time to watch the sunset." Christian smiled when he realized that Sean was already dozing.

********

Christian spent the brief time for napping watching Sean sleep, and wondering how they ever spent all these years so close to each other without ever crossing the line. The threesome with the hooker during the Rosenberg case was the closest they'd come to crossing that barrier, but they'd each been spending most of their efforts on the woman, not on each other. Even then, the brush of flesh, or an accidental touch had sent shivers up and down his spine that he hadn't wanted to acknowledge.

After sharing a quick shower in order to get down to the beach in time to watch the sunset, they took their champagne in an ice bucket, a couple of glasses, and a blanket down to a nice spot on the sand. The sun was setting, and a mild breeze made the temperature perfect.

Sean poured champagne in the two glasses, and they held them up to toast.

"To new beginnings," he offered.

"To finding what we've spent our lives looking for," Christian added. They clinked glasses and drank. Sean carefully set his glass on an even spot in the sand, and reached in the pocket of his shorts, pulling out a small velvet box.

"I hope you won't be angry that I went ahead with this, and we can take them back if you want, but I was thinking this weekend might be the perfect time..." he handed Christian the jewelry box which contained two men's wedding bands, very tasteful gold with small diamond accents.

"They're beautiful," Christian said, looking at the rings he could tell had been sized to fit. "I don't understand. Wouldn't we do this at our ceremony?"

"How disappointed would you be to have our own ceremony, without all the fanfare?"

"Just the two of us?"

Sean shrugged. "I've been trying to picture a formal ceremony, trying to think about it and feel like it was right for us, and it's not coming together in my head. I feel like we're concentrating on all the wrong things."

"I'm not angry, and I'm not disappointed. The commitment I want to make is to you, not to all our friends. I was going along with the idea mostly because Annie wants to be a bridesmaid, even though there's no bride," he concluded, and Sean laughed.

"I thought we could have a party, let Annie stay up late, get all dressed up and be a hostess."

"Something tells me that'll help her recover from not being a bridesmaid," Christian said, smiling.

"We have champagne and a great sunset," Sean said, nodding toward the ring box.

"I don't exactly have anything prepared, but maybe that's best," Christian said, taking Sean's ring out of the box and handing the box that still held his ring, to Sean. "I've always thought I had it good, had the sweet life–all the women I could manage, no strings–just taking everything I wanted from life and embracing it with all I am. Throughout all that, my love has always been with you. My body might have been with a different woman every night, or...even with Julia that one time that resulted in Matt being born. I can't say I didn't love her, because I did, and I'll always care for her. But if I've ever needed to choose between anyone or anything else and you, you've always won. And you always will. What I have with you makes everything I had before seem empty and meaningless. I've never met anyone that I could honestly say I'd choose over the money and the flash and the prestige. But if I could have all that alone, or a shack on the beach with you, I'd be with you. You're what I was searching for through all those women, all the one-night stands...you were right here all along, and I'm just grateful I finally figured it out."

Sean took Christian's ring out of the box and set the box aside, buying himself a little time since he felt too choked up to speak right away.

"Sometimes it's been hard for me to really let go and express myself emotionally or romantically. I haven't always been the most adventurous guy in the sack, either. But with you, it all just comes naturally–oh, God, did I actually say that?" Sean snorted a laugh and Christian found it contagious.

"Give me time. I'll make you come unnaturally, too," he quipped.

"What I was trying to say is that all the feelings are there, so close to the surface, and so strong, that it just seems natural to express them. When I'm not with you, I think about you, and when we're together, sometimes I just can't take my eyes off you. I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe that I can touch you, kiss you...that I'll look at you and when you look back and me, I'll see as much love in your eyes as you see in mine. You always fascinated me in med school. You were charming and confident, and sometimes I almost felt like you saw something more in me than just a buddy or study partner or roommate. Then this amazing friendship grew, and I thought that was it. I'd never had a friend that close to me before, who meant that much. Now I know that I've loved you in every way possible for years. That only half of me has ever fallen in love with anyone else, and only half of me was convinced I wanted something else. It's always been you, and it always will be."

"You're my one and only, Sean. From now on," Christian said, sliding the ring into place on Sean's ring finger.

"You're all I want, and I'll always be yours, as long as I exist–in life or beyond." Sean slid the ring on Christian's finger.

They leaned toward each other and kissed, a gentle, sweet contact that sealed their vows. When they parted, Christian didn't say anything. He just watched the light breeze ruffle Sean's hair and move the fabric of the white cotton shirt he wore over his tank shirt. He leaned forward, capturing Sean's mouth in a kiss, unmindful tipping over the wine glass Sean had so carefully set in the sand as they fell back together on the blanket.

"We're in public," Sean said against his ear, moaning as Christian's hand slid down into his shorts, wrapping around his growing erection.

"Nobody's around, and this isn't a public beach. It's just for the houses here." Christian replied. "Just relax and leave the driving to me."

"If you want me to relax, we need to go up to the house."

"Live a little, Sean," Christian urged, smiling as he watched the last resistance melt away as Sean thrust into his pumping hand. Christian felt himself getting hard, just watching Sean's face, and listening to his escalating moans of pleasure as he gave himself over to the sensations, all thoughts of decorum seeming to fly away on the ocean breeze. He pulled the little tube he'd smuggled out to the beach in the pocket of his shorts, and grinned as Sean's eyes flew open when the hand so expertly pleasuring his cock became slippery.

"Christian...we can't. Not out here," he gasped, eyes widening as Christian paused to pull off his shorts and toss them aside.

"There's no one around. We can see up and down the beach for miles. This is a once in a lifetime moment–celebrate with me." Christian watched as a smile spread over Sean's face, and he reached up to caress Christian's face.

Christian eased Sean's shorts further down his legs, then straddled him, lining up Sean's hard, slick cock with his own center, which he'd covertly lubricated before they ever took the wine to the beach. A little of the slickness had worn off in that time, but there was enough to make Sean's entry smooth.

Christian gasped and winced a little as he was fully stretched, but he smiled in spite of the slight discomfort, reveling in the lingering surprise on Sean's face. He began to move, liking the idea of being in control of the action, even though he was the one being penetrated. Sean ran his hands up and down Christian's thighs before using one hand to grip Christian's erection and pump it in time with their shared thrusts.

Christian finally realized he wasn't making full use of his hands, and pushed up Sean's tank shirt, rolling and pinching the exposed nipples. Sean moaned his approval, saying a few nonsensical things as he approached climax. Christian focused on the feeling of the hard cock sliding in and out of him, and the pressure of Sean's hand working his erection with the same knowing grace and skill he used for the most complex procedures.

Their mingled shouts cut the silence of the early evening, joined by a few gulls flying over the water, soaring as they soared to an explosive climax. Bracing himself on his hands on either side of Sean's shoulders, Christian gave his partner a devilish smile.

"Do you realize we've lived here nearly a month and this is the first time we've had sex on the beach?"

"Something for which I'm sure the neighbors are grateful," Sean responded, a little of his initial apprehension returning, now that he wasn't utterly distracted by more interesting concerns.

"We're in a blind spot for the other houses, and there's no one here." Christian leaned down for a long kiss before slowly dismounting his lover and pulling his shorts back on while Sean tidied up his own clothing a bit.

"That was great," Sean said, smiling and dumping the sand out of his discarded wine glass. He rinsed it with a little champagne that he dumped in the sand, and then refilled their glasses. "I love you," he said simply, holding up his glass, which Christian tapped with his own.

"To always loving each other enough to have wild sex on the beach before dark." Both men chuckled at that as they took a sip of wine. Christian moved over to put his arms around Sean, who happily relaxed into them, resting his head on Christian's shoulder, Christian's cheek resting on Sean's hair. They settled in to watch the stars come out, savoring this rare moment in their busy lives to just be together and contemplate a bright future.

********

THE END