CATEGORY: SRH

RATING: R. Guess what? Ta da - This isn't NC-17. Only mild sexual innuendo and some language. Nothing too graphic. It's supposed to be funny and sweet - enjoy.

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully have a little misunderstanding but all is forgiven in the end. FEEDBACK? LOVE IT - FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME. Comments, suggestions and healthy debate are always welcome. Flames? Flames are for roasting 'weenies'.

TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: The time is now. No spoilers really except for plot elements like Mulder's mother's stroke and Scully's cancer. But no actual eps are mentioned.

KEYWORDS: story romance humor Scully Mulder R

DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Byers, Langly, Frohike, Walter Skinner, Margaret Scully, and Tina Mulder belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use. 

Author's Note: Please bear with my portrayal of Scully at the beginning of this story. She comes across as the Bitch Goddess Scully from Mulder's viewpoint in "Bad Blood". This is intentional to contrast her with her change of heart at the end. But - really we all have our bad days anyway so I think Scully could be due - don't you?  

Grade B Movie
by frogdoggie 

Act 1 

Fox Mulder is acting strange. Well, more strange then usual - oh you know what I mean. His odd behavior is getting to me. I can't help it, it's really bothering me. I usually try to take Mulder in stride, you know. His moods. It's what makes our relationship work so well I think. I listen, he talks. I disagree, he argues. I give, he takes, and takes, and takes. Oh that sounds bitter. Shame on you Dana. Shame on me, my ass. Why am I so polite? It's the damn truth. Mulder, Mulder, Mulder. Why do you do these things to me? I love you, you monumentally selfish idiot. And oh shit - I know you love me too. But sometimes I swear you're treating me like a door mat. You've walked all over my heart for at least a month now and wiped your feet on my mind for good measure. Lord! I am so angry. Royally pissed! Well at least he's coming over tonight and maybe I can find out what in the Holy Hell is going on. 

No, I heard that - I am not on the rag. No PMS for Doctor Dana. That isn't something I want to talk about either - all right. The reason I'm not on the rag, understand? So, let's not go there. Please. Thank you. 

But - where was I? Oh I don't know - Maybe it's the weather. It's been really gloomy out. Friday, February 28. Cold. snowy. The sun is setting. Boy am I ever glad it didn't snow on February 23rd. My poor mother. All that planning for my birthday party. I still can't believe that Charles made it into town to celebrate. It was wonderful to see Charlie. And thanks be to God, Bill called from San Diego instead of showing up to scowl through the evening. Bill is such a wet blanket - what do I mean wet blanket - he's an asshole 24/7. But I love the bastard. He is my older brother after all. I can't help it if he acts even more constipated then Walter Skinner. 

It was nice to see Ellen and Trent, my godson. God, he's getting bigger every time I see him. It was sweet of Mom to invite them to the party. Mom was really in her element, wasn't she? The whole day was a lot of fun. I had a marvelous time. A really good time except for one little thing. Mulder wasn't there! 

I was just...I mean it would have been my first birthday with him as a real partner, not the J.O.B. partner - the real thing. Soulmates. Lovers. Oh hell. What can I say? It hurt, all right. There I said it - happy? Jesus. So, he wasn't there at Mom's house and it was just a big disappointment. And Mom was so sweet. "Oh Honey I know he'd be here if he could," she'd said. And yes, I guess that was true. But like I said - it hurt. 

And you know his not coming was another bit of strangeness. Another incident in a long line of utter, weird, crap that's been going on with Mulder for over a month. One more item to add to the list of puzzles that included sneaking around, furtiveness, the goofy kiss ass grin when I asked him why he'd been coming in way earlier than me for a whole week. And what about the mysterious phone calls. Come on Mulder - I bring you a mug of coffee and just as I come back in the room you hang up the phone - and this happens four or five times? What's up my little G-man!? 

And last but not least Mr. Mulder - what about those three meetings with Assistant Director Skinner? I mean what does Walter want to see you about in private - without moi - I mean. God, I am worried, really worried. I hope the A. D. isn't sending him undercover - without bothering to tell me - AGAIN! 

I was wavering last week between real honest to God gut wrenching fear and almost apoplectic, mind blowing anger.

But I came to a decision. I told myself I was going to just button my bee stung lips (Mulder's description - not mine - not that I don't like it but...sometimes it makes me feel like Betty Boop...just a little), and keep my own counsel. I'd wait for Monsieur *I've got a secret* Mulder to fill me in. I mean he'd have to confide in me eventually wouldn't he? We have the real thing here now - a relationship. A relationship connotes R-E-S-P-E-C-T like the Aretha Franklin song doesn't it? People who respect each other are truthful with each other, aren't they? I want to believe right? Shit on a shingle - that goes right along with the commandment he made and then broke a gazillion times - "thou shall not ditch thy partner". Give me a break. 

Well let me tell you Fox William Mulder if you don't confide in me tonight I'm going to yank a knot in your tail as grandma Scully used to say. And that will only be the start. You'll be sleeping on the couch. Your beat up, spring sticking in my ass, leather couch Buckaroo Banzai. And if prospects of renewing the conversation between Mr. Hand and Mr. Johnson don't get *you* to cough up a revelation well...then I'll just march up to Assistant Director Skinner's office and threaten to kick him in his tight BVD clad ass as well. Maybe that will get *old pucker puss* Walter to spill the beans about what's going on. I mean God - I really am angry here. Can you tell? Dana is on the fucking warpath and I have every right to be! 

The Monday evening before my birthday weekend was almost the last straw after all. Let me tell you what happened that night. 

Mulder was at my apartment. We had just finished dinner and had gone in to watch the news (well probably not watch it really - more like fuck like monkeys in front of the TV but I wasn't going to complain about that idea - uh uh), when his cell phone rang. 

He made a big show of answering it - almost a theatrical show - Robert DeNiro method acting time. Good Lord, it was his mother, Tina? *Touched* Tina I like to call her since the stroke or as they used to say in the bad old days of knitting needle lobotomies - *tetched* in the head. She acts likes she's had that knitting needle shoved in her eye socket I'll tell you. Sorry, I know that sounds cruel but I really can not stomach that woman. She has been just terrible to Mulder. I mean no mother at all really. God, my mother is more of a mother to Mulder then Tina. 

But for some reason Mulder still loves her. He's attentive to her. He got very serious over the cell phone. Oh oh, I thought and then I got that damn Scully worry line on my brow. The one I know I'll be cursing when I'm 45 because it will be a permanent fixture until I break down and see the plastic surgeon. Something was wrong in Connecticut?

Mulder was talking into the phone. He was using his *Yes Mother Voice*. After a bunch of "Oh, Well, Oh, Uh, Yes, Umm Hmm's etc. etc. ad nauseum he ended up with... 

"Yes, Mom. This weekend? Oh, well...No, no problem. Sure. Friday right after work. Yes, I'll see you then." Click. 

Ditched again. Lord have mercy. 

But you know I really couldn't voice my suspicions. What if there really had been a problem with his mother? After all Tina Mulder had been distracted ever since her stroke. She'd been a harpy before the episode but now, really, I did feel sorry for her. She spent most of her days in a daze. Wandering between confused delusions, petulant anger, and genuine love, and caring for Mulder. That part seemed to have been the only benefit of the stroke. Caring about her son I mean. Too bad it took a major destruction of her brain cells to tell her she loved her oldest child. 

Saint Scully rides again. My Lord. I mean what else could I do and in the long run what did my suspicions mean? That he was seeing another woman? Uh - how can I put this? After what we did in front of *Tom Brokow on the Nightly News* on Monday night I can believe he's putting it to Melvin Frohike before I'd believe he's seeing another woman all right? Still....I was uneasy and like I said - wounded that we couldn't be together. Oh hell - I love him more than life itself I have to tell you. That's God's truth. He...he's...well - I love him and I don't want to be without him, separated from him, any more then I have to be from now on, until the end of the world. 

So, at any rate - Mulder left the office early that Friday and I went to stay with my Mother for the birthday weekend. 

Monday, Mulder returned to the office. He looked a bit frazzled but I soon discovered he was in good spirits. He brought me a chocolate covered croissant (all right it had a bite out of it, but it was the thought that counts), and a cafe latte just the way I like it. I also got a nice kiss on the cheek - the kind where he nuzzles my neck a little afterwards. I love that little nuzzle. Oh my. Do I ever. 

"How did it go?" I asked him. 

"Oh, fine, fine. We straightened the estate problem out with the lawyers. No one's going to be out on the street," he chirped. Lord, he was almost manic. I thought what the heck? Too much No-Doze driving back from Connecticut? Too much coffee this morning? But we had to plunge right in on a report that was due on Skinner's desk by noon. So it was noses to the grindstone and I had to concentrate on work and not Mulder. 

"My treat, Scully. I'd like to make amends for the weekend." 

Amends - well that's a 5 dollar word for "I'll grovel at your feet now if you'll forgive me for ditching you." Well, we'll see I thought. 

So, what gives? I mean a birthday card at the very least would have been appropriate. 

Instead he went on and on about the report we just got done writing, and then about the Redskins, and finally about some dumb article he'd read in the Weekly World News about that damn goatsucking creature, La Chupacabra. It seemed that thorn in my side has its own web site now - several in fact. Oh gee, how wonderful. 

"Mulder. Yes. Yes, sir." 

"Yes. Right away sir. I'll be right up." 

Damn it. 

"Scully, Skinner needs to see me. Some question about my part of the expense report - as usual. No need for you to bother with it. Why don't you head on out and I'll catch up with you later." 

Sure, fine, whatever! 

"Ok, well...if you need help..." 

"No, I think I know what's wrong - I can talk myself out of it. I'll call you later to let you know when I'll be...uh home." 

"All right. Call me later. We can order take-out." 

"Wow, that would be great. Thanks for being do understanding, Scully. I...I love you." 

He gave me that great big *Mulder is showing his pearly whites for his one and only best girl* smile and what could I say. I'd be introducing Walter Skinner to two of my close friends, Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson, if he was sending Mulder undercover without my knowledge again - let me tell you! 

But I was still annoyed - quite a lot actually, even though I was trying to swallow the feeling and go with the flow. I decided to just go home and wait - my lot in life it seems when it comes to Fox Mulder - for his phone call. And he did call. And now he's coming over with what I hope will be the bloody explanation of the millennium! 

xXx 

Act II 

"Hey, Scully," he said when I opened the door. Oh my! Point for Mulder. He had on his glasses, and the black turtleneck, leather jacket and jeans. Thank you God. Oh he looks so good I almost forgot I was angry with him. But not quite. I smiled, but I could tell he knew I was still a little tense. So, he whips his hand out from behind his back. 

"Oh Mulder..." The flowers did it. Well what can I say - I'm a romantic even though I come across as an ice queen sometimes. But Mulder makes me melt - oh yes - spring thaw every time. I would let things slide for now. I was sure he'd get around to the explanation. In the meantime... 

"What's in the bag, Mulder?" 

"What stuff?" 

"Can't you smell the pork fried rice?" 

Well of course I could. My stomach was growling all ready. He had stopped and picked up dinner. How sweet. Really. I didn't want to cook at all so this was a very nice gesture. 

"Thank you, Mulder. I am starving. I think I have some wine - white wine - would you like some?" 

"Yeah, that would be great, Scully. Wanna eat in front of the TV - uh, I brought a video for us to watch tonight." 

"A video?" Oh Oh. He knows I don't like him to bring over those videos. Not that I'm a prude - I mean he knows I'm not a prude - it's just that they bore the living hell out of me. The last time I had to sit through *Doris Does Des Moines* or something I fell asleep 30 seconds into the first come shot. So Mulder knows better then to bring over a porn video. 

"Not one of those - I know those are a natural sedative for you. No, this is scifi - you'll like it. I heard it was funny." 

O-K, I thought. Funny scifi? Like *Teenage Catgirls in Heat*, *Robot Monster* or *Plan Nine from Outer Space*? Well I did laugh at *Plan Nine*. Heck - this might be fun. 

"Sure, Mulder, rack up the video - I'll get the plates and chopsticks." 

It took me a while to rummage around in the kitchen. I brought the plates and our his and hers lacquered chopsticks out. Mulder was unpacking the food and laying it out in an organized manner over the coffee table. He was seated cross-legged on the floor with his back against the couch seat. The remote was on the couch cushion. The tape was in the VCR but not on yet. 

"I'll wait until you're ready Scully. I don't want you to miss the beginning." 

When I came back out the room was darker - he'd dimmed the lights and there was something in the middle of the coffee table amidst the plates of food. I...well I started to tear up then. I put the wine, glasses and corkscrew down on the end table and sat down on the couch. It was too much. 

In the middle of the table was a little Hostess cup cake - you know the kind with the white squiggles on the chocolate icing? Well, there was a single striped birthday candle stuck in the middle of it - it was lit. There was a card too. And then he started to sing. I started to blubber like crazy. Oh Lord! 

He can't carry a tune in a bucket but I didn't care. His rendition of *Happy Birthday to You* was just perfect as far as I was concerned. And his eyes - oh God - the look in his eyes. I forgot about all the doubts, fears, distrust, heartache...I forgot it all - like I said - I get lost in his eyes. 

Well after we came up for air I opened the card. No, I'm not going to tell you what it said - it's private. A girl has to have her secrets you know. Anyway, after that I suggested we'd better eat before all the scrumptious food started to get cold. I wanted to open the wine as well. I really wanted a glass of that wine. Mulder smiled wide. 

"Ok. Open the wine and then let's eat. Would you like to sit down on the floor? I'll start the video," he suggested. 

And oh My Lord - that video! 

xXx 

ACT III 

Static and then a grainy screen. 

Light, and then a little card with carefully printed lettering - white against black. The film was in black and white you see. 

*A 20th Century Fox Mulder/Lone Gunmen Production*
Presents* 

"Mulder, what is this?" 

"Shhhhh, just watch." 

*Starring Special Agent Fox Mulder*
and at least four other people* 

Oh oh, I thought - what the heck? 

"Mulder..." 

The card faded out and the next somewhat grainy scene faded in. Oh Lord, I recognized the location right away. It was that grimy alley outside the Lone Gunmen headquarters. And it was filled with snow and...Oh, For God's sake. I did start to giggle then - because Melvin Frohike came lurching into the frame. 

Mulder guffawed really loud and I just lost it. I mean Frohike was playing a wino and somehow it was too appropriate. He came weaving into view, vapor trailing out of his mouth. He was carrying this huge gallon jug of Gallo wine and just reeling down the alley. It was unbelievable. 

"Mulder, he must be freezing - I mean when did you film this scene? There's snow all over..." 

"Last month. Yeah, and Frohike was freezing his nuts off. It's the main reason we shot the rest of the film in the LGM headquarters and the warehouse next door..." Mulder answered chewing on his sweet and sour pork. 

"Shot the rest of it? There's more? Oh Lord. And it looks like Super 8 or something how..." 

"We filmed it on Super 8 - the guys converted it to video afterwards during the editing. And sorry about the sound - we didn't have enough time to mess with it. So this is a silent film too. Oh, hang on, here comes the first really good part..." 

I stopped looking at his dancing, hazel eyes and turned back to the TV screen. I took a quick bite of my pork fried rice. 

Frohike took a swig from the wine jug - no mean feat either - the darn thing was almost as big as he was, and then he got this corny, really hammy look of terror on his face - looking stage right. 

He reeled back in abject horror because some kind of huge shapeless thing came from out of camera range, and lunged over almost on top of the poor little troll. 

For a split second there was real fear in his face but then he was having a hard time keeping it straight despite the fact that the creature picked him up and shook him like a cat shaking a rat. 

"God, Mulder - what is that thing?" 

"The monster, Scully. I mean come on - you know - Grade B Monster Movie!" 

"Oh, of course!" I laughed. I was shaking I was laughing so hard. Oh God! And the thing really was right out of a film like *Robot Monster*. I finally got a good look at it as the creature took the wine bottle out of Frohike's hand (no mean feat that Melvin was still clutching it too after the teeth rattling the *monster* had given him). The monster tossed the *dead* Frohike to the ground (Frohike still trying to hide the fact that he was breathless with laughter), and then took the wine jug and mimed taking a huge drink from it. 

Now what can I say about that thing? Man in a rubber suit would be too kind. I smelled Mulder all over it. I mean it was a cross between an Octopus - multiple tentacles two of which were obviously the actors arms, and several more that were foam rubber and waving all over the place. Big bulbous eyes - a slit for a mouth with pointy teeth. I'd have to ask Mulder how he managed that one. The head was attached to the body somehow, you could see the seam. I started to really laugh because when the creature turned to stalk down the alley after claiming its victim you could see the zipper. 

"Mulder - is that you?" 

"Me - no - I'm behind the camera for this part I think - Oh yeah - here you go - now watch closely." 

My attention was drawn back to the screen. Frohike was nodding his head in the affirmative on camera and then brandishing the wine jug up into the frame. The camera zoomed in and refocused. On the bottle there was a huge label. It read: 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL AGENT DANA SCULLY
ONE OF THE HOTTEST CHICKS I KNOW - BAR KNOWN.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS AND BEST WISHES.
MELVIN FROHIKE. 

"Oh, Mulder...that is so sweet. But don't tell him I said that - please!" 

Mulder laughed hard. 

"Just tell him I said thanks. Really - tell him thanks a lot." 

I was a little choked up. It really was touching. Frohike was waving and smiling. Even though the film was in black and white I could tell his face was red from the cold. Bless his little hacker heart.

"Don't worry - I'll take care of it," Mulder said. His voice was really quiet for a second and then he patted my knee. I didn't want him to see I was starting to tear up again so I turned back to the TV screen. 

The next scene *was* inside the Lone Gunman's headquarters. Oh brother. Langly and Byers - in lab coats and fake glasses with those big noses and mustaches. Langly had the second pair of glasses on over the first pair. Lord! Byers held up a sign. It read: 

>>CENTER FOR THE STUDY OF GRADE B MONSTERS<<
SCIENTISTS LABOR VALIANTLY TO DISCOVER A MEANS OF DESTROYING THE THREAT FROM INNER, NOT OUTER, SPACE THAT THREATENS THE CITY. BUT THEIR RESEARCH HAS REACHED A DEAD END. 

Byers dropped the sign and then he and Langly started to pantomime trying to look through the microscope in front of them. They were trying to do it simultaneously and both of them knocked heads. I started to choke on my own spit again as another fit of giggles shook me all over. 

Langly pointed from his head to Byers and mouthed *DEAD HEADS* into the camera. I roared. Finally they were making *boo hoo* faces and turning in indecisive circles. At last Langly looked at Byers and both got an expression like a light had gone off in their heads. Byers looked off stage for a second, nodded his head and picked up the light bulb that had been out of camera range and stuck it above his head. By this time I was laughing so hard I almost spilled my pork fried rice all over the carpet. I finally gave up eating all together. It was way too difficult. 

Byers put the bulb down and picked up a second card. The camera zoomed in on the lettering. 

AT A TOTAL LOSS, THE SCIENTISTS DO THE ONLY THING THEY CAN THINK TO DO UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 

Byers dropped the card again and reached for a nearby telephone. As he dialed it theatrically Langly stood by in rapt attention. 

Suddenly the screen split. 

"Oooh, how did you do that?" I asked, "That's pretty slick, Agent Mulder." 

"Technical secret. Now pay attention..." 

The other side of the screen was our basement office. Mulder was sitting at his desk. He seemed to notice the camera for the first time. I thought to myself - who the heck is filming this now? Must be Frohike I thought chuckling. But the angle was kind of high... 

Mulder held up a sign and I concentrated to get a good look at the printing. 

SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER WORKS ALONE, SAD, BECAUSE THE LOVELY, INTELLIGENT, PERCEPTIVE, ETC. VERY SPECIAL AGENT DANA SCULLY, HIS INDISPENSABLE PARTNER, IS VISITING HER MOTHER FOR THE WEEKEND. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCULLY. I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. 

There was a little drawing of the Milky Way below the *this much* part. I leaned over and started to kiss him but he beat me to it. We hit the pause on the VCR remote for a couple of minutes. Lucky he had swallowed his sweet and sour pork. My goodness, I didn't realize Lo Pans had such good sweet and sour sauce. Yum. 

We came up for air, and Mulder hit the play button again. I was back to focusing on the deathless classic film before me. 

Mulder pantomimed hearing the phone on his desk ring - it was so cute the - "oh look - the phone is ringing" expression on his puss. He picked it up and mimed talking into it. 

On the other side of the split screen Langly held up the card this time as Byers mimed talking to Mulder. 

THE SCIENTISTS DECIDE TO CONTACT INTREPID SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER, SCOURGE OF MAN-EATING MONSTERS EVERYWHERE. ONLY AGENT MULDER CAN SAVE THE WORLD NOW. WITH THE SCIENTIST'S HELP, OF COURSE. 

I was just about dying by this time. Byers concluded the conversation and Mulder's side of the screen went dark. The screen widened out again and Langly and Byers faced the camera and picked up one last large sign, holding it between them. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WOMAN WHO FULFILLS EVERY ONE OF FROHIKE'S FANTASIES. YOU ARE A-NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET IN OUR BOOK TOO. BEST WISHES AND MANY HAPPY RETURNS. JOHN BYERS & RINGO LANGLY 

"Oh Brother - just wait until I see them again," I choked, "On second thought..." 

"Hey, Scully, you really better watch this next part." 

The lab faded out and another card with white letters appeared on the screen. This one had a lot of wording and the camera lingered on it for a while. 

THE MONSTER BEGINS TO TERRORIZE THE COUNTRYSIDE. NO ONE IS SAFE. THE DEADLY CREATURE, WITH THE SCIENTISTS AND INTREPID SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER IN HOT PURSUIT, FLEES TO A NEARBY LOVER'S LANE. THERE HE LIES IN WAIT FOR HIS NEXT HAPLESS, AND IN THIS CASE, VERY DISTRACTED VICTIMS. 

"Lover's Lane? This isn't *The Hook* is it Mulder? I should never have told you that story scared the piss out of me when I was a kid..." 

"No, not *The Hook*. It's the *Killer Creature from Inner Space* again. Just keep your eyes peeled." 

So, my eyes flicked back to the screen. I took a quick sip of my wine. That may have been a bad idea. 

The scene switched to the aforementioned warehouse shooting location. There were fake trees in pots, a canvas back drop that was made to look like a lovers lane with parked cars, woods, even a little view of part of a cliff overlooking the city." 

"That's a pretty good painting." 

"Yeah, isn't it? Frohike has a lot of hidden talents," Mulder nodded taking a sip of his wine as well. I took another one from my glass. 

The camera pulled back to take in the late model car parked in the middle of the *set*. It was a red '61 Chevy Corvette Convertible, top down, with two people sitting in the front seat. They were pretending to neck. 

"Mulder, isn't that Skinner's Chevy?" 

"Yeah, he loaned it to us." 

"Oh, that was nice of him....Mulder, isn't that Byers!?" 

"Yeah." 

"But he's shaved his beard off!" 

"Well, he thought the beard made him look too old for this scene. You know Byers - he's a stickler for detail. He figured he'd look more like a high school guy if he lost the beard..." 

"But Mulder, he didn't have to do that for me...I mean, God..." I was so touched. John Byers had worn a beard since 1989 Mulder told me once. He prided himself in keeping it trim and well groomed. Lord. I couldn't believe he had shaved it off for me. It did make him look ten years younger though. So - if he was looking for authenticity. But it suddenly occurred to me that there was another person in the scene. The girl - or rather the woman Byers was obviously a bit nervous to be acting like he was smooching. He looked positively red faced as a matter of fact even though the filmstock was black and white. The woman's back was still to the camera and Byers was kissing her cheek and kind of looking around her head at the cameraman. I giggled. 

"Byers looks really dedicated there, Mulder.. I mean shaving off the beard and all, but his kissing technique...I don't know..." 

"Well, there's a reason he looks as nervous as hell. And speaking of dedication - take a look. 

I watched carefully as Byers started to laugh so hard he had to stop kissing the woman. She had clearly said something into his ear that broke the ice, but had him losing it like all get out. He tapped her on the shoulder then and indicated the camera. The woman turned around. 

"God, Mulder! How did you convince MY MOTHER to..." 

Mulder was dissolving with mirth. Rolling over onto his back against the couch, holding his sides he was laughing so hard. I hit the pause switch on the remote. I was choking on that last sip of wine, but I grabbed him anyway and started to tickle him unmercifully. 

"Tell me how you got my poor Mother roped into this homage to bad filmmaking, Mulder! Tell me, or I won't stop." 

We both dissolved in a heap on the floor, laughing, and rolling, and hugging and kissing and... 

Oh God, Oh God. I mean I barely got my jeans and panties off before - and I mean he didn't even. He's never done me with his jeans on before, but zzzzzzzziiiiippppp - I just couldn't wait to feel him inside and...oh dear Jesus. Mulder slapped the off button on the remote. 

ACT IV 

Later I snuggled up against him as we leaned against the back of the couch. He had his arm around me and I turned the VCR back on. I was a little sleepy but I really did want to see the rest of the film. Especially the rest of the scene with my mother. I still can't believe he got my mother.... Mom! 

God. It was hilarious. She turned around and waved at the camera. And then Byers waved too. He had a sheepish little grin on his face. Bless his heart. He is such a gentleman. He must have been scared shitless thinking I'd think he was...well I knew better for crying out loud. Byers is just so shy. 

Anyway my mother was laughing and waving. She had her hair pulled back in a pony tail and her old mohair sweater on. I remembered that thing. It's pink. We'd laughed about it once. She had it when she and Daddy were first married. I could see she had one of her old skirts on too - the kind she might have worn when she first met Daddy too. Anyway she looked like a high school girl. Sweet. Beautiful. I love my Mom. More than you could ever know. 

She held up a sign then and I read it with tears in my eyes. The tears made it hard to read but I managed well enough. 

DANA HONEY - HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I HOPE YOU WILL FORGIVE ME FOR KEEPING FOX'S SECRET. I KNOW YOU WANTED HIM TO BE AT YOUR PARTY, BUT IF HE HAD BEEN THIS MASTERPIECE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN COMPLETED AND IT MEANT SO MUCH TO HIM. SO DON'T BE MAD AT ANY OF US FOR KEEPING HIM FROM YOU. ENJOY THE REST OF THE MOVIE. LOVE, MOM. 

Without any comment he toggled the VCR play button again. The film continued. 

My Mother threw the sign into the back seat of the car and then proceeded to kiss Byers on the cheek. My mother can be a devil sometimes. She has a wicked sense of humor. Byers was practically crawling up against the car door. 

Suddenly however, my mother sat up and pointed off screen with an exaggerated expression of panic on her face. She placed both her hands on either side of her face like the boy in *Home Alone* and then she did her best Fay Wary imitation. She started to scream. Boy, for a minute I was really glad there wasn't any audio. My mother, God bless her, won a hog calling contest at the county fair in her hometown once. I kid you not. She has a yell like an air raid siren. It's something we have in common - but mine has nothing to do with calling hogs - don't worry - I won't go there. 

So, my mother was just letting it rip, and then Byers turns around to see what has frightened her so - and here comes the guy in the suit again. Mr. Monster. And my God, he lunges into view really fast - quick for someone in a really clumsy costume. The camera tilts and angles crazily in imitation of the creature as the monster picks Byers up under the arms like he's a rag doll. The creature drags him right up out of the car in one pull, and lifts him up bodily over his head. Byers had a look on his face that couldn't be faked. He was terrified, eyes wide and mouth open, yelling." 

"Mulder he looks..." 

"Yeah, the monster got a little carried away in this scene. But he made up for it later...watch now..." 

I just shook my head a little. I hoped the actor in the suit wasn't Mulder. It looked like he almost hurt Byers. In any event Byers calmed down and relaxed as the monster carried him off stage. 

The next thing I knew the monster returned and made his way over to the other side of the car. I thought oh no - he'd better not...not my mother. But in contrast to his manhandling of John Byers, the monster walked carefully over to the other side of the car where my mother was pretending to cower in fright, and opened the door. He bowed low - I mean genuflected to my mother. I did start to giggle then. I mean the monster was going to kidnap her, but not before he paid his respects. I could see the monster's head jiggle a little. Whoever was in the suit was laughing. It had to be Mulder. 

My mother raised an eyebrow and then she started to giggle as well. Ok, I do giggle. I get it from my Mom. Fine. I admit it. She was giggling like hell now. She got out of the car and the Monster reached over and gently lifted her into his arms. They looked just like that scene in *The Creature from the Black Lagoon* - another Mulder favorite. 

"Mulder you must be working out in the FBI gym a hell of a lot more." 

"What?" 

"To be able to lift Byers and my mother..." 

"Hmmm, oh yeah. Wait - here's the last of it - we're coming to the gripping conclusion now - catch this part." 

The screen flashed up another black and white card. 

THE MONSTER RAVAGED THE COUNTRYSIDE KIDNAPPING HELPLESS WOMEN TO FULFILL HIS NEED TO PROCREATE, TO CREATE HIS OWN CONQUERING INNER SPACE ARMY." 

"Mulder, who wrote this stuff..." 

"You mean the *classic* dialogue?" he smirked pausing the tape. 

"I mean the utter drivel written on that card." I was laughing. I didn't mean to be nasty at all. By this time I was just so impressed - so touched by it all... 

"Frohike wrote all the story cards. Everyone else did their own birthday messages, of course. He's seen more Grade B Monster Movies then me even. So, he had the dialogue down pat. Corny hey?" 

"I think it's perfect, Mulder. Just...perfect." 

Mulder clicked the tape back on again. I went back to reading the card. 

BUT MULDER AND THE SCIENTISTS WERE CLOSING IN. IT WAS PARAMOUNT THAT THEY STOP THE MONSTER NOW, DESTROY HIM AND RESCUE EARTH'S WOMEN FROM A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH! 

O Dear Lord! Corny didn't even touch it. I was practically snorting wine through my nose as the scene faded to black. 

The next scene had Mulder, Byers and Langly walking through a fake woods. Some of the same trees from the previous scene, plus some new ones where placed strategically to suggest the forest. The backdrop had changed as well to show lots of pines and deciduous trees. 

Mulder was laughing. I wasn't sure if it was because of Byres beard or because he thought he looked funny on screen. I thought he looked devastatingly handsome. The three men advanced over to a large paper mache lump to the right side of the warehouse set. Oh - it's a cave I thought. The mouth was large. The back of the cave was out of view - the camera not reaching beyond the middle part of it. My mother was lying comfortably on a little blanket to one side of the cave entrance. She was supposed to be acting as if she were unconscious but she was giggling again as she watched her rescuers approaching. 

Mulder was laughing on screen. In fact he had lost it - he was sitting on the ground helpless, crying he was laughing so hard. Langly and Byers stood transfixed in feigned horror for a moment as the monster barreled towards them. Then Langly stepped aside at the last minute and Byers extended his foot. The monster hit his outstretched leg and went flying through the air. He landed with what would have been a resounding thud if there had been audio, in a heap, right in front of where Mulder was sitting, howling over the flashlight cradled on his knees. 

Everyone was frozen in place. Mulder had stopped laughing or was trying to suppress his laughter. Byers, Langly and my mother were staring with a mixture of worry and the need to really crack up warring on their faces. But all eyes were trained on the monster as he struggled to sit up. He must have landed really hard - maybe even had the wind knocked out of him. But he did manage to sit up at last and then all his tentacles and the rest of his rubber suit started to vibrate - he was really laughing this time. Everyone cracked up then as well, and then it was a free for all baby! Mulder jumped up and gesturing with mock frantic intensity at the monster, pulled out a gigantic Nerf baseball bat. Frohike flashed in front of the screen with another card. 

THE SECRET WEAPON SAVES THE DAY 

was printed on it. He dashed back out of sight. Byers and Langly pulled identical Nerf bats out of their long trench coats and all three intrepid rescuers began to pummel the monster, showing no mercy. My mother was on her feet by this time clapping and egging everyone on and the monster was rolling and cringing in mock distress. 

I was helpless with laughter now - crying but from being lost in mirth. It was all too much to stand. And I loved every minute of it. 

"Oh Lord, Mulder who's idea where those?" I gasped out. 

"Frohike's - I think he made a run to *Toys R Us* or something." 

"Frohike? Oh that figures - trust him to have the secret weapon look like a huge phallic symbol. But, oh my God, this is...oh Mulder this is just wonderful..." I was at a loss for words then. I really didn't know what else to say. Mulder hugged me tight against him and I watched the video tape as it wound to the end of my marvelous birthday gift. 

The scene came to an end and all the players got up and stood in a line in front of the camera. Well everyone except the monster - he had to stand in back of the Lone Gun guys - being taller. He waved a tentacled arm at the camera though, and held up a little sign with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCULLY! written on it in a hilariously child-like, monster scrawl. Everyone took a bow and Fade To Black. 

Of course I got my explanation. Mulder had been planning the surprise for the better part of two months. The sneaking around, the phone calls, the meetings with Skinner, even the fake phone call from Tina (it had been Frohike on the phone that time), had all been the result of trying to pull the surprise off successfully. Orchestrating it all as well as keeping it a secret had made his life really difficult. Of course, the fact that I'd been acting like the Queen of the *Bs* - bitches that is - didn't help matters either. But it had all been worth it he declared, just to see me smile and my blue eyes dance. 

Oh Mulder. 

I'm not going to tell you how we spent the rest of the evening. It's none of your business. Mulder picked me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom - just like that monster in the film - and boy talk about monsters! But I did say I wasn't going to tell you didn't I? But you know I did ask him who was in that suit at the end - I mean in the last scene when he obviously wasn't in the costume. We...well we didn't exactly have time for that part of the explanation. 

EPILOGUE 

You know sometimes after sex I can't sleep. I don't know why. Sex is supposed to be a natural sedative. Christ - it is for my beautiful Scully. She's zonked out, dreaming sweetly, in the bedroom right now. 

I should be in dreamland too - but - well I have trouble sleeping anyway. Maybe it was just the excitement tonight. God. I loved it all. Just to see her laugh like that - her eyes flashing. So free and easy. She really doesn't have a trace of that pinched look from the cancer any longer. Thank God for that miracle. God, are you listening? Fox Mulder is thanking you. Better write that down in the *Guinness Book of World Records*. 

I might as well straighten up a little, quietly of course. It will save work in the morning. Now where the hell did I put the cover for the tape? Oh yeah, here it is. 

I really have to remember to thank the guys again for all the help. If it hadn't been for them, none of this would have gotten done. And Margaret Scully - what an angel. God, I now know where Scully gets her sweet, sweet spirit from that's for sure. 

Scully kept asking me about the monster though. I know she thinks it was me. Me? Christ I would have herniated myself yanking Byers out of that car. No, we went all the way for this film. We got some real hired muscle for the monster's role. I wonder if I should tell...Nah. Why not? Well, even though he enjoyed being bumped up a rung on the title ladder to Director, at least of this production, so he'd wear that costume - I don't think I relish being assigned to VCS consults for the rest of my career. No - I think *The Monster from Inner Space* will remain a *Grade B Monster Movie Mystery* - at least until the sequel.
-THE END OF THE WHOLE STORY-