TITLE: Weights and Measures

NAME: frogdoggie

E-MAIL: frogdoggie@hotmail.com

CATEGORY: VRA

RATING: NC-17 for discussion of alternative sexual issues and some language. SK/SC, M/SK, M/SK/SC. This vignette deals with Slash and Het Sex. So, if you don’t like that type of thing - STOP NOW! Forewarned is forearmed. Proceed with caution.

SUMMARY: Dana Scully reflects on her weekend with Walter Skinner. This story takes place immediately after "Lifting Weights". Scully explores her part in the relationship that began in "The Threefold Charm". This story is a short piece in the "Baton Rouge" series. Obviously you may want to read the series to understand this narrative. The "Baton Rouge" series can be found on my web site at: https://www.squidge.org/3wstop.

FEEDBACK - YES PLEASE, AND THANK YOU SIR, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER? Comments, suggestions and healthy debate are always welcome. Flames? They only serve to warm my body and mind.

TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: Sixth season just before Two Father's/One Son I think - in my timeline. ROFL. Oh - and NO SR819! So, I've kind of reinvented the mytharc for my AU. Sorry if that bothers you - feel free to go elsewhere if it does. I won't mind.

KEYWORDS: vignette slash Skinner Mulder Scully NC-17

DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Dana Scully and all other X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use.

Please ask me before you archive my work. I usually don't mind but I do like to know where my stories are going. Thanks much.

*Authors note: One of the greatest challenges for an author is to get into the head of and write about a character of the opposite gender. Scully has been a challenge and pleasure for me to write in this series. I have brought her along slowly here - perhaps a little slower then some people have thought I should. But,

I had my reasons.

Of course this is also an Alternate Universe. Scully reacts the way she does in order to fit this AU. But, I am trying to keep her reactions as an extension of her character from the show. We all take liberties with the characters when we're writing them in order to have them fit into our plot lines IMHO. So, I will hope that you understand why I am writing Scully the way I'm writing her. But, as for hearing from her - never fear. I have a feeling we'll be hearing more from her. Like right here and now...

Thanks to Crash and Mik for help. Crash with Scully this go around. Mik for being there. You were an enormous help, friends and fellow authors.

Written in April of 1999

Weights and Measures by frogdoggie

"Above all else, silence, the crystallization of the soul sleeping in peace far from the present; sacred silence, father of dreams; sweet taciturnity which allows us to hear the inner melody."

• Camille Mauclair (L'Art en Silence)

Journal of Dana Katherine Scully

Monday, June 14, 1999

There's something aesthetically pleasing about a leather bound journal. An old fashioned, handmade journal in which one pens their innermost thoughts, wishes, dreams, hopes and desires. The written verisimilitudes of one's lifetime contained between elegance has a deep satisfying appeal.

The tactile sense of just the journal itself may be one of the reasons I've continued to reveal myself in these pages over the years. Somehow, the stylish venue for my thoughts is almost as equally important as their tenor, their measure and their weight.

So, I write in this book and I sometimes marvel at the outer as well as the inner sum and substance I suppose.

I can't deny also that it is undeniably relaxing to write in this journal. To write in script. Pen my musings in long hand with an elegant pen over finely made paper. Yes, there is something calming about the act of writing with finely tooled, appropriate writing implements. Just as there is a benefit to using fine surgical steel in a way. Both give you confidence. Center you. Give you balance. Calm you. And I relish that calmness amidst the turmoil that so often marks my days.

I smile even now as I grip this pen. It's a fountain pen. Yes, an old fashioned writing implement. Well, not completely archaic. It contains a replaceable cartridge. I don't have to use an ink well to dip my pen in before I can continue my words or a line. But somehow the idea is archaic and perhaps suitable to me as well. It was a gift from Mulder you see. And in many ways Mulder still thinks of me as...well...as coming from another age, perhaps. The Age of Reason he's quipped in the past. Words said in jest often have a deeper meaning. A deeper significance.

I finger the pen and turn it to the side to see the words engraved upon it.

"Silence is Golden"

I'm not sure if Mulder meant it as dry joke. He's got that wicked, bent sense of humor. It may have been a joke....or he may have considered it to be my motto in life. Possibly a combination of both those ideas. He did give me the pen close on the heels of my telling him about Sister Mary Monica. A story that was one part the comedy "Sister Act " with Whoopi Goldberg, and one part "The Devils". Ever see that Ken Russell film? Well Mulder did. But I digress...

Yes. I remember those words well. The motto was emblazoned on a plaque above the blackboard in Sister Mary Monica's first grade class. My first grade class. Never underestimate the powers of a teacher to mold the minds of the young. Especially if the teacher is a nun and the minds are the minds of young Catholic women.

"Silence is Golden". Three words my father valued as well. Silence...stoicism in the face of adversity or awkward social situations, was reinforced by Sister Mary Monica and a platoon of nuns over the years. Dana Katherine Scully learned the lesson and she learned it well. Good girls (or sailors as my father was fond of saying), kept their counsel until they were very sure they shouldn't keep silent any longer. Until they were sure they had the facts and could make a successful case.

It was rude to speak out of line. Rude and impolite for both genders at least according to Ahab. I do give my father credit (well...my mother had a lot to do with this item as well) - for being an equal opportunity backbone builder in regards to this issue. Yes, Melissa, Bill, Charles and I were all impressed with the idea that we did not go into the debate battle without being first sure of our facts, and second sure we would win. One rather followed the other, of course. Or so we were lead to believe.

Over the years I think this one lesson stuck with me. My father and the myriad nuns who reinforced the teaching insured that it would. If it hadn't stuck, I believe I would never be able to act as Mulder's voice of reason. His sounding board. His good debater. I would never be able to keep him at least partially grounded in reality. Kept him honest as he said. So I see my tendencies towards stoic silence as an asset in many way.

I also see it as a hindrance.

God! How long did I twist in the wind - suffering in silence - while I tried to cope with this...this Tripartite relationship? I can't believe how long I kept my mouth shut. I was guilty about it as well as disgusted with myself over it. How could I be so spineless? Yes - I thought I was one part coward and one part fool. Because for better or worse - in my mind at least - a byproduct of "Silence is Golden" is also "Fools Suffer in Silence." I've just been accustomed as a woman in a man's world to fighting for every inch of professional space I can get. And when that tendency conflicts with my father's and the nun's tenants? Well...you figure it out. What do you think that does to my head?

But...wasn't I an exemplary Scully? I mean...this was the epitome of stoicism - of keeping ones counsel in a very awkward situation until I had all my ducks in a row wasn't it? Ahab and Sister Monica would have been proud. I was anything but proud of myself. I was sick to my stomach.

I had strong feelings about the Tripartite agreement. I was in agony over it. Confused, hurt and...ok...jealous. But could I tell Mulder? No. Could I tell Walter? No! I remained the good sailor adhering to that World War two poster slogan that said "loose lips sink ships". Yes - Dana didn't want to rock the boat because she was afraid she'd hurt her lover, her partner, her friend. Fox Mulder. The only man, at the time, she could ever see loving and being with for the rest of her life.

I mean it wasn't that long ago that Mulder and I became lovers. And that was a revelation in and of itself for me. An epiphany in a way I suppose. Before Mulder I knew I enjoyed sex. Oh yes - I do, you know. I always have. Stoicism in public never translated into stoicism in private, in bed. But...the few men I had as lovers in the past were...shall we say...less than satisfying? Inept and inconsiderate might be closer to the mark in describing them in bed. Selfish dolts whose egotism I unfortunately didn't find out about until after we were horizontal.

Well, I was young and dumb back then. I was smarter when it came to men by the time I met Fox Mulder. But I waited a long time before I took that final step of letting him into my life and my body completely. I mean once bitten, twice shy, you know? And Mulder was...well he was so complicated.

But when we did finally get to that night together. My God - it was incendiary. I never realized just what I'd been missing. Sexual ecstasy for starters. Love, trust, caring, commitment and true sharing before, during and after. I don't know if it was just because Mulder is a total sexual hedonist, or if for some reason we just clicked once we were in bed. Whether we were really, truly soulmates and hadn't realized it until we made that final connection. But whatever the reason - Mulder and I are now true soulmates. There is not doubt that we're joined in mind, body and soul. Part of me would die if I lost him. I know I may have to face that some day realistically when death parts us. But...until then...I'm going to hang onto him as hard as if I can.

So, I was so afraid I'd lose him over this situation. At first because I couldn't quite handle the implications of his love for Walter Skinner. I thought he'd end up preferring Walter for some reason...leaving me for him eventually. And then because I couldn't understand how in the hell he could expect me to get into bed and make love with them both.

I mean come on Mulder - this is little Catholic raised Dana Scully here. What do you think Father O'Malley would say about a menage a trois? A menage in which one man claims he's gay, one bisexual and the woman hasn't got a clue what she wants by that point. I couldn't even tell him something like that at confession. The old war-horse would probably have a heart attack. And I'm not even going to get into what my family would think about the idea. I mean my mother and Charlie might be in shock and then try to accept it because they love me unconditionally. But Bill? Uh...let's not even go there.

I was furious with Mulder and Walter on Halloween. Their insensitive disregard for me and my feelings. That night in the hotel? Good Lord. I mean how could they even have considered making love after...when it was certain I'd hear and...oh never mind. It was hurtful and I was incensed over seeing them together. Doubly angry when Mulder tried to turn my anger back on me and accuse me of being in the wrong. I came very close to ending it with Mulder right there. To leaving him to Walter and washing my hands of him as a lover. And you know what's ironic? I thought maybe I should because it would make him happy. Save him. Whatever. And even more ironic? I was going to ditch his ass in bed but still try to stick with him as a friend and on the job because I do value the work - his quest. Boy, talk about the good soldier. As Walter would say - fuckin' A.

Walter! Well...needless to say things have changed between Walter Skinner and I haven't they? Mother Mary. But you know, in hindsight I think that it was Walter who finally got me to go beyond that "Silence is Golden" motto. Ironic again isn't it in view of the fact that I've probably seen him as a father figure for close to 6 years? Winced in fear or chagrin in his presence more than once. Worked like a dog to please him on the job. Yes, Walter and I were into that boss, subordinate thing very well. I think we were both caught up in it quite frankly. I'm almost surprised we got past it.

But to be honest while I saw him as a father figure I viewed him another way also. Yes - ok - he was a fantasy as well. Like I told him - sure I looked. He's always been attractive to me on that level that says "oooh, nice ass." You know...a butt to die for. Muscles. Hey...that has a certain appeal too. So, I'd sit in his office and tremble and it wasn't always caused by his ranting at Mulder and I over some line in our expense report.

But I never pursued the fantasy. Why? Because I didn't have all the facts. I would have never imagined that night in Crossroads would ever enter his mind. I never thought he even gave me a second glance. And I sure as hell never thought he would after he became Mulder's lover.

I mean the man was gay right? Mulder may be bi but Walter insisted he was gay to me so...if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck? I have to take some things at face value for crying out loud. So I was wrong? Maybe it was very lucky I was in error. Certainly it was fortuitous - and you know what. I thank God it was too - now.

So...why did I feel like a total, gibbering idiot in Crossroads? A fool for love? I'm letting out a heavy sigh here. At the time I felt like screaming my lungs out. You see I had a bit of a problem reconciling seeing this man, Walter Skinner, as a surrogate father, a boss, my bisexual partner's lover and then...as a potential lover as well. I mean...wouldn't you? Oh sure...I could get past the father/boss thing. I think I probably had worked through most of that issue by that point. But having two lovers? The fact that one was bisexual and the other insisted he was homosexual? Can't you understand why that might be trouble here? Well you could if you were raised Catholic. I'm sorry to rally round that point again - but really, for me it's a significant one.

Falling in love with a bisexual man is one thing. But falling in love with a gay man, with Walter Skinner doubled my woes. I mean falling in love with two men...and then having that love be...so...unconventional flies in the face of every conventional teaching of the Catholic church. The church has been an integral part of my life, on and off, since birth. So, as much as I hate to admit it - yes - the Church's views on sexual matters, including homosexuality, still effect me.

I did feel like a fool, and yes...God help me...a sinner. I felt like so many things...all of them telling me I was wrong or improper. I feel terrible to pen those words. Terrible because I don't think it's right to feel that way. No, I don't. Not any more.

I simply couldn't any more. I couldn't deny what my heart and soul were telling me about Walter Skinner. I couldn't see it as wrong to be falling in love with him. He's a good man. A decent man despite tremendous obstacles to that decency being thrown up in his path.

I realized that the man himself, and the relationship I was beginning to know I wanted with him (as well as the relationship we both had with Mulder), was worth pursuing and preserving. It was at least worth acknowledging without guilt or approbation. I can not believe that a God, any God, would deny love this strong - no matter who is involved in the equation. What it came down to basically was that one thing. Love. I knew I loved Walter as much as I loved Mulder. I couldn't deny it and I was starting to realize there wasn't any reason I should.

Walter has proven to be a peacemaker more than once in this relationship. He had a big part in my not leaving Mulder all together. My coming to Crossroads for Christmas had been his idea and in retrospect I was exceedingly grateful for him helping to heal the breach between Mulder and me.

Then Walter and I began to heal the breach between ourselves. I'm sure deep down I still harbored a certain amount of mistrust regarding Walter Skinner. Even though I knew consciously by the time we sat in the kitchen up in Crossroads last Christmas - that Walter Skinner was as trustworthy as me and Mulder too. He was in the battle on our side and no other. But still...I wasn't completely comfortable with him for that reason and of course the employee, supervisor idea as well. Father figure. Well, I guess you get the point. We had issues.

But we dealt with them. We became friends. Confidants. Boy we both needed that support when it came to dealing with Mulder at times. Walter has an understanding of Mulder from a slightly different direction and perspective than I do. I think when we blend our Mulder coping techniques and experiences we can almost keep him on the right emotional course. I do know he's been functioning a lot better since he's been with us both. He's still driven - but he's not driving over the edge nearly as much.

So Walter and I became friends. And as we grew closer...well...God I'm still not sure what happened there. As I mentioned Mulder had confessed his desire to have us all together as lovers. He had a deep seated need for that type of joining. I don't pretend to understand it fully. I'm not a psychologist. He is a psychologist and I know he doesn't understand it fully either.

But it's a bond he needed desperately to form. I can only view the results to know that it was a necessity for him. He has been a different man since that day in Crossroads when the three of us made our first hesitant attempts to love each other.

The triplets idea was something that boggled my mind however. It wasn't a natural event for me to consider participating in at all. Especially when I considered that Walter had repeatedly said he was gay - that he wasn't interested in women sexually any longer.

Then we went to Crossroads together in June. During our stay there I kept getting signals from him. Oh, I knew he was missing Mulder tremendously - almost in agony over it as a matter of fact. Hurting as much as I was because Mulder was in Massachusetts and not in Maine. But even so...I sensed a desire...a real effort on his part to not ruin my vacation over it. I appreciated having him do that for me. I automatically felt a renewed warmth and friendship for him. I could tell he was starting to feel that for me too. For the first time I didn't see him as my boss - or ex-boss by this time. I saw him as a man - a good man and someone I could grow to like very much. And of course, maybe it was because he wasn't really our boss anymore that I finally felt I could approach him as a man and a friend as well.

So, in Crossroads, when I realized I was starting to have very strong sexual feelings for Walter I didn't know what to do. Here I was just realizing or admitting we could be fast friends and...wham...my hormones jumped up and said - hello Dana! Get in his pants. You know you want him. Go for it girl.

To say it was a little disconcerting would have been an understatement. Here I was looking at his ass and thinking....gee...maybe I could give Mulder's idea a shot. Or at least part of it...here and now...soon. My hormones were very insistent but my brain was shouting, "Hey! Wait one minute! Down girl! Down!" I mean it was very embarrassing and confusing. I felt like a hypocrite. Not to mention delusional. Like I said - the man's gay, right?

Well...on top of everything else and making matters worse, was the fact I sensed he was possibly becoming attracted to me. What the hell is going on here Walter? I wasn't sure. I could tell he wasn't sure. And since no one was sure of anything here...Dana Scully was badly in need of getting her ducks in a row again. One of us had too - and given my background guess which one I thought should be the little investigator and take the first step? So...

I took a big risk that night up in Crossroads. It was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I'm sure my dose of Tequila courage helped me make the decision. But in truth, I was way ahead of any shot of liquor in the "I want to believe" department. Way ahead of things before Walter and I got to the guest bedroom in Dragon's Roost that night. Because really - my thirst for knowledge is just as strong as Mulder's thirst. Maybe even stronger in this particular case. Stronger because it would involve finding out a very important fact about my reality as well as involving a very big leap into finding out about the unknown in Walter Skinner.

So I came onto Walter. I almost made a mess of it. I have to be honest and admit I had no clue as to how to really go about coming on to him. How to go about coming on to a gay man? Yeah, right. Well I was hoping desperately that my instincts were right and Walter was on the fence on that point. Because if he hadn't been I would have fallen flat on my face.

And Jesus - What was he going to think about it anyway even if he was wavering towards walking the straight and narrow again? Would he think I was drunk out of my mind? Crazy? Would my desire offend him? I didn't want to ruin what friendship we had labored to create by making a gesture toward him that he may have never been interested in accepting and was uncomfortable even hearing.

I was floundering. Clumsy? Good Lord. I don't come on to men as a rule anyway - well...not obviously. And for heaven's sake - I've been with one man long enough for what few skills I did have in that area to have a pound of rust on them. So - I didn't think I was doing a very good job of it - I felt like an idiot and I really wasn't sure I should even be doing it anyway.

But lo and behold...I...as Mulder would say...hit one right out of the park. My first time up at bat too. And God was it ever a shock for me...and for Walter too.

A shock yes. I'll never forget the look on his face. His expression was one part wonder and one part utter terror. I have to imagine mine must have been the same. And of course by that point we knew we wanted each other. We had admitted it at last. I tend to believe it was a relief for both of us. No more lies...avoiding...denying...no more wondering.

So even though it was a shock - it was the best of shocks - a bolt of sexual electricity. The best kind of shock you can get when it comes right down to it. So, even though both of us were staring at each other like we'd been hit by lightning...we certainly absorbed the charge without any ill effects.

I'm not even going to go into the lovemaking. It was incredible. Walter may have had - may still have - doubts about his abilities with or his desires for a woman. If he does I only noticed it in the way he was hesitant to take the lead. His sweet fumbling and reticence to be too aggressive with me was touching. I'm not sure what I expected from him as a lover - harshness? No not really. I had a feeling he'd be a gentleman...but I didn't expect his shyness. Yes it was very sweet. It was also a hell of a turn on.

Yes, I'll admit it. I liked taking the lead. I mean the AD's a man mountain. It was a hell of a trip to scale him and get to the top. I took a wicked delight in showing him the ropes. I think it was part of the reason he enjoyed being with me so much that night. I know it was a big part of the reason I found him terribly sexy and romantic.

So...I have to tell you...once was not enough. Now that I'd been to the peak so to speak, I wanted to climb those heights again. And actually - I still had issues with him. I hadn't even touched on my feelings concerning that night or the following day in Crossroads. My embarrassment, confusion. The hurt I felt when I thought he abandoned me somehow out of remorse or disgust when Mulder made his appearance. The idea that...well that I was quite possibly falling in love with him now as well and...Good Lord...the implications of a dozen different hopes, fears, desire...a list of emotions that I normally keep locked in the pages of this book. Locked in under the old law - the old tenant of "Silence is Golden".

But not any more. No. Friday night I laid it on the line. I let Walter see me, the real me. The real public - and yes, the real private Dana Katherine Scully. It wasn't a smooth revelation. It nearly ended things between us. But...Walter Skinner is not a stupid, uncaring, selfish man. He did listen. He heard and he acknowledged what I was trying to tell him. My heart. My soul. I give him a lot of credit for that and I love him for it too.

Yes, I love him. He says he loves me - and after Friday I can only believe it's so. I don't just mean his declaration of love - his kind understanding and our sharing of pleasure either. He showed his love and respect for me before we even got to my apartment. He put himself in grave professional jeopardy, maybe even physical danger - in the shower of the FBI gym. He did it, and he did it out of love for me before we even got into bed again. So, yes I love him - and I'm damn sure he loves me too.

But you're still asking how? How could he be in danger? Well...let me just ask you. Do you think AD Kersh is going to take what Walter said and did in the shower lying down? Will he just roll over and play dead? I think not. I should have discussed my fears about Kersh with Walter. I didn't. Somehow, I think he knows the danger. He knows it, and he's perhaps discounting it as just another part of the job. Part of his duty in protecting us as well. But God...obviously we still have some issues regarding communication here, don't we? I still held my counsel and he's closed mouth and dancing around the dangers again. I...I know we need to discuss Kersh. We will. Soon.

Yes, we'll have to talk about Kersh. It's essential because I think we both know we're waiting for the sword to fall. I know it will. I can only hope it doesn't cut Walter to bits when it does. I know I'll be there to shield him if I can. I know Mulder will as well. It's obvious that Walter will do the same for us. Yes. I'll watch Walter's back. I'll watch because you see - the Scully's had another credo to go along with "Silence is Golden". We Scully's take care of our own. And Walter is mine now. Just as Mulder is mine. We all belong to each other. And no one will come between us on this Earth. No one.

Mark my words.

-THE END OF THIS JOURNAL ENTRY-