Ben lay silently in the bedroom he had shared with Michael for the last year and was unable to get his mind to slow down and let him rest. It was so strange to be in this bed alone knowing that Michael would not be joining him. He knew it was cliché but he did miss all the little things of their lives like the sounds of Michael humming in the shower, or his breathing on the pillow next to Ben. He also missed smelling him in the early morning when he would wake up to find Michael tight up against him. It had only been a week ago...
Ben: "Mmm... Go back to sleep baby."
Michael: "It is already morning. We should get up and greet the day ahead of us."
Ben: "Why don't you come closer and cuddle."
Michael: "I cannot get any closer."
Ben: "Sure you can"
With that Ben turned Michael on his back and lay down on top of him covering every inch. Michael wrapped his arms around Ben's waist and pulled up the covers. This was home, this was safe, and this wouldn't last.
Michael: "Who wants to go with me to the park?"
Hunter: "Are you taking Dawn with you Michael? I don't know about Ben but I would like to get some fresh air even if it is freezing."
Ben: "I have some work to catch up on first, I'll spend time with you guys later. If you call me before you get home I can try and have some hot chocolate ready for you."
Michael: "Actually I am picking up Gus and Dawn who will be spending the night here with us. Justin is also coming along so that he can show Gus how to use a sled."
Hunter: "Maybe I should try my hand at some snowballs. Just let me change first then we can go."
Michael: "Sure I'll wait just be sure to put something warm on."
Hunter: "Next you will be telling me to put on some clean underwear."
Michael: "Well if you are ever in an accident first you say it then you do it. Underwear never remains clean."
Ben: "Michael! Do you have to be so graphic?"
Michael: "Apparently, I am turning into my mother."Hunter: "When you start wearing outlandish clothes and buttons I am going to pretend I don't know you."
Michael: "If only that worked."
Ben: "You should get a move on or you going to be late. You two are going to be careful right."
Michael: "Don't worry Dad, we won't talk to strangers."
Ben: "I am being serious."
Michael: "Is mercury in retrograde? It is just a trip to the park everything will be fine."
Ben closed his eyes trying to hold that image as Michael left. It was amazing the details he could recall now but then the other images would creep in and the fear would seize him. No don't think about that Michael was happy and fine that morning. He was wearing a pair of snug black jeans Ben had bought him and a heavy tan cable knit sweater. He pulled his black leather bomber jacket on as well as his gloves. Ben had pulled out a dark red scarf and placed it around Michael's neck before kissing him. He could still taste the syrup on his lips from breakfast and sucked on his lower lip slightly before letting him go. Michael pulled on a black toque and with one last look was out the door. The last thing Ben remembered was gazing into those beautiful brown eyes that were full of life.
You should have gone with him or this never would have happened.
Ben tried to shift around the bed, rearrange the pillows yet again and smooth out the sheets. As if keeping his hands busy would stop what seemed to follow him around until he was alone. The horrible memories were like an entity in the room and would patiently wait until they could get Ben's full attention again. Ben seriously considered getting out of bed to try and do something constructive but what could he do at this hour. If he did move around too much he would risk waking people up and he just wasn't up to dealing with them right now. Michael was so much better at that, he could listen and somehow make you feel all would be all right but Michael wasn't here.
Where were you?
Ben had been sitting at the kitchen table with his latest chapter looking back at him as he continued to write down his thoughts. He only heard the phone after the second ring and interrupted his work to answer hoping Michael was calling to say they were on their way home.
Ben: "Hello, Bruckner Residence."
Michael: "Ben."
Ben: "Baby, what's wrong."
Michael: "Justin and I had an unfortunate accident with some ice. Could you please come pick us up I don't want to drive home. Justin may need stitches and I think I broke my wrist."
Ben: "Okay, the park is only a twenty minute walk so I'll be there as soon as I can. Where are you in the park?"
Michael: "We are at the east entrance near the lake."
Ben: "Okay, I am coming to get you."
Ben swallowed hard trying to think of ways that could have got him there faster. He had walked the few blocks at a fast pace but he didn't run, the injuries sounded like they were minor. His body began to shutter and he pulled the covers over his head and clutched Michael's pillows in his arms wishing it were his warm body instead. What were you thinking letting him go?
Ben: "I thought I told Michael to wait for me until I got here. Why are you coming form the south end of the park?"
Hunter: "While I was trying to help Michael and Justin up after their fall Gus wandered off. Michael seemed too stiff to walk around so Justin and I split up to look for Gus. I headed south Justin headed North and Michael stayed by the bench with Dawn.
Ben: "Do you hear that?"
Hunter: "That sounds like Gus crying. Maybe Justin found him and Michael yelled at him for wandering off."
Ben: "Michael should just be past the small area of trees. Let's go."
Ben clutched the pillow even tighter as the pain and images now seemed to flood over him. He was bathed in guilt even though everyone kept saying it was an accident, all but one.
You had to have known something was wrong. What kind of partner are you?
Ben and Hunter had cleared the grove of evergreens only to find Gus and Dawn alone. Ben felt his breakfast weighing like a stone in his stomach.
Hunter: "Gus where are Michael and Justin."
Gus: "Mica yelled at me."
Hunter: "Where is Michael now?"
Gus: "Nap time."
Hunter: "Where is he Gus?"
Gus: "Sleepin."
Hunter: "Where is he sleeping?"
Gus: "On the sliding stuff right over there."
Ben felt like he was frozen as he watched that pudgy little finger point behind Hunter and Ben. It felt like every muscle in his body was made of lead not wanting to turn and see the lake. He had finally managed to turn himself around when he saw a red stream of colour in a blanket of white. Ben didn't need to get any closer to know that it was the scarf he placed on his lover this morning.
Further up on the pristine surface was a gaping black hole where the ice had broken with a black shape floating on the surface. Soon Ben felt the sting of the icy water on his hands as he tried to grab hold of Michael but he was just out of reach. In one desperate effort he had reached out to far and the ice underneath his hand supporting his upper body began to crumble. He felt his body lurch forward then pulled back hard. Ben looked up to see Justin grasping unto his jacket collar and a large stick. Justin plunged the stick into the water on the side of Michael that was further away and began to move him closer to the edge. Ben was able to pull Michael out by the back of his coat onto thin ice and then to the shoreline with Justin close behind.
Justin: "He is not breathing and I can't get a pulse. Hunter use Michael's cell phone that is in Dawn's carriage and call emergency."
Michael eyes were shut and his long lashes had become encrusted with ice. His skin which had always been pale had begun to turn a pale shade of blue. Ben had tilted Michael's head back and pressed his lips against what felt like icicles. Ben pushed air into Michael's lungs and waited to see if Michael would begin to breath on his own. He watched as Justin began to push down on Michael's chest trying to restore the beat of his heart. The two of them repeated what almost seemed like a dance, as each knew what the other needed to do until they heard the sweetest sound, Michael gasping for air.
Ben felt a tug on one of his shoulder to find a paramedic towering over him. Had there been a siren? There must have been and now there were people coming from all directions in the park to see what was going on. They stood in morbid curiosity as Michael was placed on the gurney and strapped in. Ben wanted to yell at them, where were you when this happened but he was still riveted to who seemed to be just out of his reach.
Paramedic: "Who will be going with him in the ambulance? We will need personal information. Sir you should get that cut looked at it is pretty deep. If you come with us we can treat it on the way to the hospital."
Justin: "Ben what do you want to do? I can't drive with my hand like this so I would have to call Deb or Vic which we would have to do..."
Ben: "Go."
Paramedic: "We will be going to Pittsburgh General if you would like to follow us."
Ben watched as Michael was lifted into the ambulance and Justin was seated on a side bench. All he wanted to do was hold him one more time and stretch that moment into an eternity.
You almost fell in and you both could have died. How romantic and utterly idiotic.
Ben began wiping away the tears as they fell knowing it was no use, they would just keep coming. It was stupid to run through these events again and yet since it happened he would go through this every night and barely get any sleep. People kept telling him to get some rest but he just couldn't. Even in sleep he would have nightmares but in his nightmares he would watch Michael plunge into the ice. Ben would reach out to him but was never close enough. He would watch Michael struggle screaming his name as he clutched at the edges of the hole trying to get up. With every attempt he made he would just fall back in. The nightmares all ended the same, Michael's movements would stop and Ben would finally reach the edge only to find Michael gone. He would frantically feel around the water with his hands trying to find some sign that we has there. Just as Ben would give up his search for Michael a casket would float to the top and Ben would wake up screaming. Part of him had wished Michael had not told him what it was like in the hospital but the nightmares would have happened all the same.
Debbie: "Where is he, is he alright. I want to know what happened."
Vic: "How are you holding up Ben? Michael will be okay don't worry."
Emmett: "Are they going to let us see him? I just want to hear from him make sure he is going to be okay."
Ted: "Have the doctors said anything."
Mel: "What was he doing out on the lake? Who was watching the kids? What do you mean they were alone when you found them."
Linds: "We just have to be strong Ben like Michael is when any of us need him. He will be fine just wait and see."
Brian: "Well I suppose the least I can thank you for was getting him out of the water eh professor. Oh, wait a minute that was Justin you almost fell in and you both could have died. How romantic and utterly idiotic."
There had been other things said and Ben felt like he was floating in and out of conversations. He felt totally drained of all emotions as he stared at a pair of unyielding white swinging doors. They had wheeled Michael through those doors that now separated Michael from his family, which separated them from knowing what was happening. If he could see Michael now would he be reassured that he was indeed going to be fine or would it be like in the park where all the life had seemed to ebb and flow away from him into the dark water.
After what seemed an eternity the doors opened and Ben recognized the doctor as the one who was looking after Michael. She was in her late forties with blond hair cut to rest slightly above her shoulders. She was wearing green scrubs under her white lab coat and was just a little shorter then Michael. Her green eyes took in the large group that had assembled and walked the last few feet to be in the middle of their group.
Doctor: "I am doctor Schultz and treating Michael Charles Novotny. Could you please tell me which one of you is next of kin?"
Mel: "Ben is. I am Michael's attorney and I have the papers here if you need to see them."
Doctor: "If you wouldn't mind?"
Doctor: "Mr Bruckner would you like to discuss his state in private."
Ben: "Everyone here is Michael's family you might as well tell them too."
Doctor: "Alright. Michael has some minor injuries, which we have treated. He had a contusion on his forehead that required stitches as well as a concussion. There has also been some extensive bruising to the right side of his face and we are trying to get the swelling down with some ice. His right knee is also bruised and the muscles have been pulled. There is also a mysterious bump on his kneecap but we are hoping it will dissipate as the bruising heals. We have managed to get him out of danger in concerns to the hypothermia and have returned his body temperature within normal range. Since he was found relatively quickly and the water was so cold the tissue damage has been kept to a minimum. He can have visitors but only two at time. We also had a Justin Bradley Taylor brought in at the same time for an injury to his hand and arm. His has been treated and told me to tell you he would be joining you in a minute. We just needed him to fill in some paperwork before we can discharge him."
Debbie: "What the hell happened out there?"
Hunter: "Justin was trying to help Michael off the bench when he slipped and the two of them sort of fell against the bench.
Brian: "What do you mean sort of fell against the bench either they did or they didn't."
Hunter: "Well Michael's face and knee did hit the bench and then when he put his one hand out to stop them from hitting the ground there was just this loud snap. Justin's arm ran against one of the metal supports and he ended up with a gash from his wrist to his elbow. Michael being the worrywart he is did have a first aid kit with him but there wasn't much in there for his injuries. We did use some gauze and antibacterial wipes on Justin but the bleeding was difficult to stop. That was when Michael called Ben to come get us. When he got off the phone Gus was nowhere in sight so Justin and I went looking for him. We left Michael on the bench since he was having problems standing on his one leg. When I didn't find him I ran into Ben on my way back. When we got there Gus and Dawn were alone and Michael was in the water."
Brian: "Where were you?"
Ben: "I got there as soon as I could Brian."
Brian: "You should have gone with him or this never would have happened."
Debbie: "Both of you stop it this minute. The important thing is that everyone will be okay. Michael or Justin can fill us on the rest later I'm sure."
As a nurse approached she hung back for a few moments watching the sparring between Ben and Brian. When Deb had put a stop to it in only a way she could she finally went to the family.
Nurse: "He can have visitors now, who will be first?"
Debbie: "Ben come with me. Brian you and Vic can go next alright."
Ben had put up with enough going over the recent past and he no longer cared if he woke anyone up he needed out of this room and the sooner the better. He stopped to put on his short navy terry robe before heading downstairs. He wanted to make sure not to disturb Hunter or Vic and Rodney who were occupying the guest room but he had no such guilt in waking Brian. If Brian didn't like it he could always go home if he even remembered where it was. He slowly descended the stairs and headed into the kitchen to get a drink. He had just opened the fridge and grabbed the container of juice when he heard a conversation in the next room.
Justin: "I never should have left Michael in the condition he was in. If I had just stayed there with him he would be here now.
Brian: "There was no way you could have known."
Justin: "I knew how injured he was after I fell into him. I left him alone with an infant when he was in a vulnerable state. Do you have any idea of all the horrible things that could have happened?"
Brian: "Hunter left him too and he has seen the worst of the worst. Your priority was to locate Gus as quickly as possible. Michael would have been upset if you wasted time by staying with him."
Justin: "Why is it that you will forgive me and Hunter but not Ben. He wasn't there until later and when he did arrive earlier than we expected I might add he did everything he could to help."
Brian: "I don't know."
Justin: "I find that hard to believe."
Brian: "Because I don't trust him to not hurt Mikey."
Justin: "Why?"
Brian: "Do you have any idea what Ben could have done to him while he was on the steroids. What about what could happen if Ben slips up during sex or the amount of trouble Michael could have gotten into as a result of trying to protect Hunter."
Justin: "All risks Michael chose to take. Who are you really angry with Ben for things he has no control over, Michael for making decisions and following his heart or yourself because Michael is the kind of man you always knew he could be. You may take great pride that some one like him is your best friend, and one of the few you consider family but it scares you that he follows his heart. Not only is it a concept you have difficulty with but it means Michael will get hurt. What probably kills you the most is that for all your secret powers and manipulations it is situations like these that remind you that you can no longer protect him. Further more Michael no longer wishes to have you protect him he needs his freedom."
Brian: "I can follow my heart it just isn't the same as Michael."
Justin: "I know that. Ever since we reunited I have not questioned your love for me because I know that it is there. Michael knows that you love him too as does Gus but life is messy. You can hide away from it with drugs and booze but it will still be there Brian when you sober up."
Brian: "You have been spending way too much time with Deb. Why don't you shut up already and go to sleep."
Justin: "I don't know if Ben would feel comfortable with me coming here late in the night and crashing."
Brian: "So, who cares?"
Justin: "Don't tell me you just decided to set up camp here without even okaying it with Ben."
Brian: "What does it matter?"
Justin: " No wonder you two have been at each other. You were having one of your moods and Ben had to put up with an invasion. You could have asked him and I am sure he would have let you stay. Hell you might have even gotten a real bed instead of the pull out couch. Never mind I will however point out the fact that Ben is bigger than you."
Brian: "Let me explain the finer points behind the term shut up just so you are clear on exactly what that means."
Ben: "Justin you are always welcome here and that includes spending the night. At least then Brian might be bearable. Just remember there are people trying to sleep upstairs." Justin: "Thanks. Are you okay? "
Ben: "I have been better."
I have been better but as soon as I go home...
Ben: "The doctors want to keep you overnight for observation. They said maybe tomorrow you could go home."
Michael: "Do you think you could see if they would let you stay here with me?"
Ben: "I'll ask. Are you sure I can't get you some water?" M
ichael: "No thanks. Mom you haven't said anything since you came in here."
Debbie: "Your face. I know the doctor said it was swelled but she never mentioned how swelled up not to mention those bruises are so dark. Your one eye is almost swelled shut and all the small lacerations. Are you sure you only hit the bench.
Michael: "Yes Mom. They had fun digging splinters from the wood part of the bench out, which is why I have all the lacerations. The swelling will go down soon and the doctor who did the stitches where I hit the bench brace said I would probably not even have a scar. My knee also looks like my face except it didn't hit the bar. The doctor said that before I went she would show me some exercises that I could do in bed to keep up the strength. I will be looking like my old self in no time."
Debbie: "Alright sweetie. I am just going out and I know you have some more visitors who really want to see you. If you are two tired you just kick out who ever you need to okay. The most important thing now is that you stay healthy."
Michael: "I promise and I love you."
Ben: "Are you too tired right now?"
Michael: "No, I just want to be here with you."
Ben: "What happened Michael. When you called me you were just sitting on the bench. What were you doing out on the ice."
Michael: "It was an accident. The only thing that matters is that everyone is fine and that you are here with me."
Brian: "Well some accidents are avoidable. Wouldn't you agree Ben?"
Ben: " I am going to talk to your doctor about staying the night with you and I'll see you in a bit."
Brian: "Well don't hurry back on my account."
Ben had lost track of time and realized that both Justin and Brian were staring at him as his mind wandered. He looked down and was surprised to see his hands had begun to tremble and he had spilt juice on the coffee table. Justin got up and walked over to the kitchen then came back with some paper towels to clean up the mess. Justin gently held Ben's hand while easing the glass out of his grip. Ben just stared at the glass sitting on the coffee table hating it for betraying him. The last thing he wanted anyone to see was how weak he felt and vulnerable. He couldn't help but think if he had only done something differently Michael would be the one to help calm his fears and hold him through the night. At this moment Ben had no one to hold and chase away the dark waters threatening to crash over him and swallow him whole.
Sitting around doing nothing. You finally found something your good at.
Ben: "Brain visiting hours is over. Don't you think you should be helping Justin out? He is your boyfriend and he was injured too.
Brian: "I don't do boyfriends. In case you have failed to notice I am not the type that wants a partner, there not all they are cut out to be."
Ben: "Brian I am really not in the mood for your philosophies.
Brian: " Well according to the lesbians a partner is half of a whole that you build a life with. With a partner you have this connection so that each partner knows when something is wrong. You had to have known something was wrong. What kind of partner are you?"
Ben: "Yes I am Michael's partner and whether you vocalize it or not Justin is your partner so why don't you go to him already."
Brian: "It is just a scratch and nothing compared to the hell Michael went through. What do you think it feels like when you drown?"
Michael: "Could you two please find something else to discuss?"
Ben: "I am sorry. We didn't realize you were awake. Is there something you want?"
Brian: "Yeah stupid, to never have had this happen. Hey maybe with all your Buddhist shit you can dredge up some miracle."
Michael: "Brian leave him alone. I already told you it was an accident and that is all there is to it. No one is to blame do I make myself clear. I would like to get some sleep if it is alright with you two."
Brian: "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow Mikey."
Michael: "Bye Brian. Hey thunder thighs get that gorgeous body of yours over here."
Ben: "My cot is as close as I can get it."
Michael: "I meant get into my bed under the covers."
Ben: "I don't think the hospital staff will like that."
Michael: "But I need to get my sleep and how can I possibly do that with you over there. What the hospital staff doesn't know won't hurt them. I'll be careful with my injuries. Please Ben."
Ben: "Just for a little while until you drift to sleep."
Ben had climbed into bed with Michael shifting one of his pillows between Michael's legs so that when they lay down on each other's sides Michael's knees were protected. Michael placed his cast above his head on the mattress so that it was not likely to hit anything. Ben manoeuvred himself so that his face could rest against the crook of Michael's neck. He could feel Michaels finger caressing his short blond hairs as Ben drifted into sleep.
Michael: "Ben wake up."
Ben: "But I just went to sleep."
Michael: "I think you were having a nightmare. Are you okay or is there something you would like to talk about?"
Ben: What was it like?"
Michael: "What does it matter? I am not even sure I remember."
Ben: "You are a horrible liar. Please tell me I want to know."
Michael: "Why? I can't see how it would make you feel better."
Ben: "Sometimes the worst part is not knowing. Please tell me."
Michael: "It wasn't that bad. I mean when I first fell through the ice I started panicking and couldn't pull myself out but that only lasted a short while. When the cold finally got to me everything just went numb. It wasn't painful I didn't fell anything at all. The most important part was that I knew the kids were safe."
Ben: "Why would you be worrying about the kids at a time like that?"
Michael: "You know Gus and Dawn they just have a way of finding trouble sometimes. Kids sometimes tend to do things that may not be the best but all turns out well in the end."
Ben: "What did Gus do?"
Michael: "He just went wandering by himself for a bit then came back. We really should get some rest. Go back to sleep and stop hogging all of the sheets."
Ben: "Is that all?"
Michael: "Go to sleep Ben."
Ben glanced back at Brian and Justin and tried to blink away the tears that had started to form. I promised myself I was not going to do this in front of the likes of Brian. Ben picked up his glass and swallowed it in one mouthful grateful for even the smallest distraction.
Ben: "Do you guys want anything to drink or eat?"
Brian: "A beer would be great. What about you Sunshine?"
Justin: "Sure, sounds great."
Ben had walked out to the kitchen but he could still hear them as he reached into the fridge.
Justin: "Has he been doing that a lot lately?"
Brian: "Doing what?"
Justin: "Just zoning out. I have never seen him like that before and I don't like it."
Brian: "Probably because before he had Michael. What the hell are we supposed to do about it?"
Justin: "We could be there for him. Please stop bothering him he had nothing to do with the accident."
Brian: "Someone did."
Ben: "Here you go. So how was your day at the comic book store Justin?"
Justin: "It was great. I already got the new issue out and on time. I also did some inventory for Michael and Ted came to the store to show me how to do the financial side. The best part though is visiting with the children."
I want to see our children when we get home.
Ben: "What if one of the kids has a cold? The doctor told you how vulnerable you could be. They even had to change your asthma medication. What is Tilade anyways and a tunnel?"
Michael: "Tilade is a preventive measure that I have to take twice a day to clear the mucus out of my lungs. A tunnel has one rubber end that an inhaler fits into and at the other end is a mouthpiece. One of the problems with inhalers is that a lot of the medication ends up in your mouth and not the air passageway. By using a tunnel you can focus more of the meds to reaching the airway. Just because they added Tilade to the Ventilain I take during emergencies does not mean I am really sick. The whole point of those meds is to strengthen my lungs. I really need to see them and let them know that I am fine."
Ben: "Fine I will see what Linds and Mel think."
Michael: "Thank you. What is holding up that attendant, I want to go home."
Vic: "Hey you two how are you holding up?"
Michael: "I have been better but as soon as I go home I think it will make me feel more comfortable."
Ben: "Yes well, some patience wouldn't kill you."
Vic: "Ben I actually had something I wanted to ask you about. I ran into a friend who is HIV positive but also a huge fan of yours. I was wondering if you could step out with me for a minute and sign his book."
Michael: "Go and hopefully the next time you see me I will be getting out of this joint."
Ben: "Sure but only for a minute."
Vic: "Look I lied I just didn't want Michael to hear me. Justin Ted and I are going to be watching over the store while Michael is recovering. Deb was planning on helping you out with caring for Michael but she has to work days shift and we can't afford for her to take time off. Someone has volunteered and he is kind of already at your place making himself at home."
Ben: "Fuck. The last person who should be considered a caregiver is Brian. Maybe after the first two days he will lose interest."
Vic: "Don't count on it."
Justin: "Ben did you hear me?"
Ben: "That's great Justin."
Justin: How is it great that someone has been trying to rip off Michael by stealing comics."
Ben: "But you did manage to catch him?"
Justin: "Yes I did but I don't think it will be long before he is back on the street."
Ben: "If you are going to stay the night you might want to grab a bigger blanket and another pillow for yourself. There is a closet just as you enter the upstairs and you will find what you need. You may also want to grab a towel if you plan to shower later."
Justin: "Thanks Ben, I appreciate it. I'll be back in a minute Brian."
Brian: "You do know what they are not saying even though I am sure Deb wasn't the only one to feel that way."
Ben: "They don't think, they know we screwed up."
Ben: "What the hell are you still doing here?"
Brian: "I figured you could get all the help you can get."
Ben: "Well I don't. I can take care of Michael and Hunter without you. Would you please get out of my way so I can get this in the oven."
Brian: "You don't actually expect people to eat that do you?"
Ben: "If you don't like it don't eat in fact why don't you just go home. I have been back from work for two hours now so there really is no reason for you to stay."
Brian: "Well someone needs to keep Michael company."
Ben: "He is asleep right now."
Brian: "What if he wakes up."
Ben: "Hunter can stay with him while I finish dinner."
Brian: "Hunter has to do his homework. Trust me that slop is not edible."
Ben: "Yes it is. It is Tibetan chicken soup and is very healthy unlike the pizza you ordered last night."
Brian: "I didn't hear Michael or Hunter complain."
Ben: "From what I understand Michael barely touched it. I had to make him something when I got home."
Brian: "Maybe he wasn't hungry then. Why don't you just stay at work sitting around doing nothing? You finally found something your good at. "
Ben: "I don't just sit around you moron. Did you ever think maybe he was hungry and just didn't want to eat pizza? His throat is sore right now and swallowing large chunks of Italian sausage and pepperoni is a bad idea."
Brian: "I have been taking care of Michael since we were fourteen."
Ben: "I think it was more likely that he was taking care of you. How many times has he had to drive you home drunk and high or hold your head while you puke or support you since you are emotionally damaged."
Brian: "I am not."
Ben: "What a load of crap. All you do is hide away like a child and pretend you won't love anyone. The harsh reality is you don't think anyone will love you and it is not like you give them a reason too."
Ben had regretted that last remark as Brian tackled him against some of the cupboards and the edge of the countertop dug into his back. Part of him was relieved knowing that it was only a matter of time as their frustrations with each other built to a boiling point while part of him just wanted to beat the shit out of Brian.
He is Michael's best friend and had a horrible childhood you just exploited
Ben managed to get control of himself with that revelation and pushed Brian back. He was trying to hold him at arms length but it was becoming difficult. Although Ben was bigger than Brian he was hard to grasp. He kept trying to out manoeuvre Ben and find an opening every chance he could. The two were so engrossed in their task at hand they didn't hear the footsteps approaching the kitchen.
Hunter: "Would you two just stop it already?"
Ben and Brian let go and Ben looked up at Hunter. There were tears that kept streaming down the young man's cheeks and his lower lip kept trembling.
Hunter: "You are as bad as my parents."
Ben: "Hunter, were sorry. We just let our tempers get the better of us."
Hunter: "How long?"
Ben: "What?"
Hunter: "How long do you think it is going to be until the next time?"
Ben: "It won't happen again."
Hunter: "Sure and pigs will fly. I called Debbie and she is on her way over right now. Maybe you two should make yourselves scarce since she sounded furious."
Brian: "And what happened this time, did she break a nail."
Hunter: "No Michael asked me to call her. He has a high fever and is having problems breathing. He was trying to come down the stairs when I heard him fall and he asked me to help him."
Ben and Brian practically fell over each other as they exited the kitchen and Ben came close to screaming when he slammed his shoulder into the frame. Out in the living room they were able to see Michael sitting on the stairs. His hair was wet and plastered to his pale face. His chest was moving a little but quickly as he gasped for air. Worst of all Ben could tell Michael had been crying as he rubbed his knee. Brian being unsure what to do leaned his wait against the stair banister and watched as Ben climbed to where Michael was. Ben pulled some of the hair off Michael forehead and placed his palm on his forehead to feel the sweaty skin beneath. Hunter was right that Michael had started to burn up but Ben knew he had not been that hot when he first came home.
Well maybe if you had just told Brian to be upstairs with Michael you would have know sooner
Michael: "Why didn't you answer me when I called?"
Ben: "I didn't hear you."
Michael: "Why?"
Ben: "I was talking to Brian."
Michael: "You mean arguing. Where is my mom?"
Hunter: "She is on her way."
Just then the door opened and Debbie was there. She was dressed is a long black dress that had a simple elegance to it and looked wonderful since she had finally lost some weight. Behind Deb was her new boyfriend dressed in a charcoal suit and he slightly waved to the group before getting the evil eye from Deb. He was around the same age as Deb and yet was still very good looking with his hazel eyes and grey hairs at his temple. Michael had once joked that he looked like an older version of Brian and almost got killed for it.
Debbie: "What have you two done to my Baby?"
Brian: "He wasn't that bad when we checked in on him last"
Debbie: "How long ago was that?"
Brian: "A few hours."
Debbie: "A few hours and what were you two doing during that time? Don't bother to tell me because I already know. Well that is it. Wes could you please help bring my son to the car he needs to go to the doctor."
Wes: "Wouldn't it be easier if Ben just... never mind. Of course I will help."
Ben watched helplessly as Wes and Deb supported Michael on either side and helped him down the stairs. Brian looked like he was going to reach out to touch his best friend but thought better of it seeing Debs protective nature. The three men were left behind not aware of what was going to happen.
Brian: "Okay, so we screwed up."
Ben: "Gee what gave you your first clue?"
Brian: "Do you really want to start this up again? Hunter is right we cannot be in the same room for five minutes before we are at each others throats."
Ben: "We have done it before."
Brian: "Yeah when we had Mikey as a buffer."
Ben: "Great. One more reason to be ashamed of ourselves. We must really love him to put him in that kind of a situation."
Brian: "Aren't you going to just blame me, everyone else does."
Ben: "No I am just as much to blame maybe even more."
Brian: "How do you figure?"
Ben: "Pushing you into that locker that one time didn't help. I never apologized to you either. Part of me just didn't want to since you think nothing of apologies."
Brian: "I never said I don't accept apologies I just don't believe in making them if you are not sorry. I have done some things in my life that were not nice but I did them intentionally and got the result I wanted. To apologize to someone when you don't mean it insults their intelligence and is dishonest."
Ben: "Well I am sorry for pushing you as well as some of the things I have said to you this last week."
Brian: "Justin was right when he said you had nothing to do with it. I just can't understand why Michael was on the ice in the first place. Did he tell you anything?"
Ben: "He only told me what it was like when he... well... you know."
Brian: "I really don't want the details thank you."
Ben: "He said he didn't remember why he was on the ice when I asked but I know he is lying."
Brian: "Maybe he was embarrassed or felt the need to protect someone."
Ben: "Like who?"
Brian: "Maybe it inadvertently had something to do with Justin and Hunter and he does not want them to know."
Ben: "Not knowing is the worst part. You heard Justin he can't help but feel he is to blame and I know Hunter has been thinking the same thing."
Brian: "You want to hear something funny?"
Ben: "I could use it right about now."
Brian: "It appears Justin and Hunter have forged a friendship. Hunter called Justin and told him what happened and invited him over. Before Justin came to talk to me he had a long conversation with Hunter."
Ben: "I wonder what it was all about."
Justin: "Well if I told you I would have to kill you. We of the younger generation must stick together."
Brian: "Oh, then you could tell me."
Justin: "Nope. Thanks for the blankets and pillow and letting me stay here."
Ben: "Not a problem. I will leave you two to get some rest. Goodnight."
Brian: "Justin you heard the man get naked."
Justin: "What?"
Brian: "Ben just told us to have a good night."
Justin: "That was not what he meant you nympho go to sleep or else I will sick Deb on you again."
Brian: "A threat like that will kill any hard on. Sleep well."
Justin: "I wish Ben would."
Ben was about to head back into their bedroom when a head poked out at the end of the hall. Ben looked over at the teenager who seemed to slump more than usual and when Ben made eye contact Hunter looked down at the carpet.
Hunter: "Did Deb call? Is there something wrong with D.. Michael?"
Ben: "No. Brian and I just cleared some hostility between us. I heard that you and Justin were doing the same."
Hunter: "I can't help but think what would have happened if... well if you hadn't been there."
Ben: "I keep thinking about what could have happened if I got there sooner."
Hunter: "Michael once told me that sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but in the end they are the way they are supposed to be. I hate the fact that Michael is sick but it just reminded me of all the things that he does, you know, now that he can't."
Ben: "I know exactly what you mean."
Hunter: "When Michael was asleep I went in to check on him just to make sure he was okay. The longer I stayed the worse his breathing got. I was going to get his inhaler from the bathroom when I heard him fall. I kind of shouted out to him."
Ben: "I am sorry Hunter. That must have been very upsetting for you."
Hunter: "Well it just slipped out. I mean it is something I have wanted to do but wasn't quite sure."
Ben: "What slipped Hunter? If you need to talk about it I would love to listen."
Hunter: "No, I just need some time to think it over."
Ben: "Okay but I am here for you when you feel you are ready."
Hunter: "Thanks. Ben, Michael is going to be fine right?"
Ben: "Vic said he would be on medication and have low energy for the next month but that he would be fine. The tilade he is on is already starting to clear his lungs but they were still susceptible to pneumonia. He will be back to his old self in no time."
Hunter: "Goodnight Ben."
Ben: "Sweet Dreams Hunter."
Ben once again climbed into Bed and turned the lights off trying to get some sleep. His body was exhausted but the conversations he had just had with Brian and Michael kept playing.
Felt the need to protect someone
Kids sometimes tend to do things that may not be the best but all turns out well in the end.
Hunter and Justin would not qualify as children, they may still be young but not that young. Michael had been more concerned about Dawn and Gus. Dawn could not have been in any danger restrained to her stroller but Gus had walked off.
What did Gus do?
All Michael would say was that Gus had wandered off but neither Justin nor Hunter were able to find him. Ben tried to think of what Gus would be doing on the ice but was unable to come up with a plausible explanation. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his cell phone and Ben managed to get it after the first ring.
Ben: "Hello"
Michael: "Where are you?"
Ben: "I am at home. How is it at your mother's? Is everything okay?"
Michael: "No. I want to go home."
Ben: "Your mother was right. We didn't take good care of you. You might be better off with her around. I want to be with you but she probably knows what you need."
Michael: "I need you. I want to go home. If you need Brian out of there then kick him out. That is our home and we both need to respect each other's space. Please come and get me. I love my mother but she is smothering me. Contrary to what you all seem to believe I can take care of myself."
Ben: "Then why did you get pneumonia?"
Michael: "It just happens sometimes Ben. No one is to blame. I was upset when I got mad at you on the stairs but the fall scared me and hurt. I also scared Hunter and was unable to comfort him. Are you going to come pick me up?"
Ben: "I am already dressed and will head over as soon as you let me get off the phone."
Michael: "Love you."
Ben: "Me too."
Ben managed to sneak out of the house without disturbing anyone. He quietly shut the car door and pulled out of the driveway. For the first time in the last few days he felt that a weight had been lifted off of him. He played with the radio and finally found a soft rock station that made the trip to Debs go by faster.
Ben parked the car two houses down and walked to the house. As he approached he saw the light in Michael's old room on and a silhouette in the window. When he finally reached the front there was a silhouette coming down the stairs that was visible through the door's sidelight. After a moment the door was open and Ben saw Michael dressed in Ben's old university t-shirt and sweats. Ben reached for Michael's forehead and could feel that he was still hot. Michael pulled Ben's arm down so that it was resting on his waist as he leaned against his partner. Ben moved inside the house and let the door close as he still held Michael. He pulled them towards the couch and pushed Michael into the soft pillows. Michael felt his feet being lifted onto the couch and Ben crouched beside him and started to brush his hand along Michael's cheek.
Ben: "You are so hot."
Michael: "Thanks, I bet you say that to all the guys."
Ben: "That was not what I meant."
Michael: "Are you saying I am ugly?"
Ben: "No. You are one of the greatest men I have ever known and you're not too shabby looking either."
Michael: "Flattery will get you everywhere."
Ben: "Are you sure you want to go home? I could stay here with you for a bit instead."
Michael: "Did you evict Brian off the couch?"
Ben: "We ended up talking a few things over and settled our differences. He was really worried about you and I didn't have the heart to make him go home." Michael: "We could stay here for a while and then go home. "
Ben: "Okay. Do you need anything?"
Michael: "Could you open the drapes I want to see what is going on out there? I think I am going stir crazy being confined to the house for the past few days."
Ben got off the shag carpet and stumbled around in the dim light to the drapes before pulling them open to view the street and houses across the street.
Ben: "Can you see out of the drapes now?"
Michael: "Yes. This couch is a little lumpy. If you laid down with me it might make it a little better."
Ben walked away from the curtains and returned to Michael's side and pushed him forward so that he could slide in behind him. He wrapped his arms around Michael's torso and inhaled the scent in his hair. Michael snuggled into Ben's chest and pulled the throw from the back of the couch over top of them.
Ben: "Better?"
Michael: "Much."
Ben: "Why was Gus on the ice?"
Michael almost fell off the couch as he turned to look at his partner. He knew he had not said anything and Gus was still hard to understand at times with his limited vocabulary.
Michael: "What?"
Ben: "Why was he on the ice Michael? Brian figured you were not willing to talk about what happened to protect Hunter or Justin. They were not there when you fell Gus and Dawn were. Dawn was not a real possibility since she can't even really crawl yet let alone walk."
Michael: "It is not just Gus."
Ben: "Please tell me what happened."
Michael: "Justin and I fell into the bench and after we fell we realized Gus had wandered off. Justin and Hunter split up to look for him. After a while of having to sit on the bench and make sure Dawn was okay I heard Gus laughing. He... he was out there... on the ice."
Ben: "Just take your time, sweetheart."
Michael: "He was on the ice running and sliding totally oblivious to the risk. I started yelling at him to get his butt over to the bench but he is a lot like Brian and just ignored the danger for a cheap thrill. The more I yelled at him the further away on the ice he would go. I finally decided it would be better to coax him off the ice by offering to play with him but he expected me to go to him. I managed to get off the bench and ended up crawling on the ice and tried not to use my knee. I finally managed to meet him partway and convinced him to slide into me. It hurt so much when he landed against my chest since my knee ended up sliding against the ice. That was when Dawn started crying so Gus wiggled his way out of my grasp so he could go to her. I never should have gone out there."
Ben: "Gus could have seriously injured himself."
Michael: "I only made it worse Ben. The ice was holding up fine until I added my own weight. I keep thinking about what could have happened if Dawn hadn't started crying, if Gus had stayed near me. I can only imagine what the water would have done to his system."
Ben: "Shhhh. You did the right thing by getting him off there. Like you said the important thing is that everyone is all right. Gus just needs to learn to stay off the ice unless one of the adults tell him it is okay."
Michael: "One of us sort of kind of did."
Ben: "What do you mean sort of?"
Michael: "When I was younger we could barely afford food let alone a pair of skates. I used to watch the other kids go skating with their families and I would have to entertain myself since my mother had to work. Late at night though we used to go to this small man made rink near my school and use our shoes to slide across the ice. It was a lot of fun and the only way we could do something like that. Anyways since Gus isn't old enough to buy skates for just yet my mom ended up showing how to slide on the ice for fun."
Ben: "That was extremely stupid of her."
Michael: "She could not have known this was going to be a consequence and it is something that Gus loves to do."
Ben: "What happens when he falls and injures himself I hardly think he will consider that fun."
Michael: "I am so sorry I told you."
Ben: "Michael, I know your mother was only being herself but sometimes I wish she would think before she acts."
Michael: "Or think before she speaks. But she wasn't built that way Ben. She leads with her heart and deals with the consequences when they arise. I know that there have been times that I wish she was different but then she wouldn't be my mother. She could have easily aborted me instead of raising me on her own. She did not have to accept my sexuality and yet she did everything she could to support me. She practically adopts every friend I have brought home. To truly love someone you have to accept every part of them not just fragments of who they are."
Ben: "That is a poor excuse. Have you had a chance to talk to Gus and let him know that it was dangerous? Does he comprehend anything that happened?"
Michael: "He is too young to fully understand everything but I think I did manage to explain to him not to wander off. This was partially my own fault. If I had not lost track of him he wouldn't have gotten anywhere near that lake."
Ben: "It was an accident. You were hurt during the fall."
Michael: "If it was an accident then my mother can't be blamed either. You can't have t both ways."
Ben: "Fine. I won't breath a word of it to Debbie."
Michael: "Thank you. How was Hunter when you left?"
Ben: "He was still upset about your fall why do you ask?"
Michael: "Just curious. You did tell him that I was fine didn't you?"
Ben: "No. I told him that you had developed a gross abnormality and that we would have to lock you in the cellar and feed you dead rats through a grate."
Michael: "Gee thanks."
Ben: "I told him you would be fine but I don't think he will believe me until he can see for himself."
Michael: "Just one more reason to go home but in a bit."
Ben: "Why are you smiling?"
Michael: "I am sitting on the couch with one of the hottest men in Pittsburgh about to watch the sun come up, why wouldn't I be happy?"
Ben: "Spill."
Michael: "Aren't you suspicious and nosey?"
Ben: "You know I was thinking that when I get home I would go upstairs with a coke and start reading your comic collection. Especially that rare Superman comic you got two months ago. I just hope I don't spill my drink."
Michael: "That is blackmail."
Ben: "I am glad you noticed so tell me."
Michael: " When I fell down the stairs Hunter was at the top and called out to me then came rushing down."
Ben: "Most people do not get ecstatic about falling down stairs Michael."
Michael: "Well if it meant getting out of one of your test I am sure your students would be willing to try."
Ben: "Very funny. So what was so great about scaring the shit out of your family?"
Michael: "Hunter accidentally called me Dad."
Ben: "You are kidding me right."
Michael: "No. What are you thinking about?"
Ben: "Something Hunter told me. I guess it has been something he has thought about for awhile."
Michael: "He may never feel right about using those titles for us after how his biological parents treated him but still it was nice. Hey if I am the Dad does that make you the Mom?"
Ben: "Do I look like a mother to you?"
Michael: "I don't know. It has been a while since I saw you naked. Maybe if you stripped I could tell you for sure."
Ben: "Not until your better. You know you are about to miss the sunrise."
Michael: "It is beautiful. A new day."
Ben: "Yes it is. Why don't you get some sleep first and then we will head home?"
Ben watched as his partner turned on his side and snuggled into his chest. Ben ran one of his hands through Michael's hair and the other rubbed small circles over Michael's back. Soon his eyes began to drift shut with a peace it seemed that had been missing for so long. Deb came down stairs in her house robe to find the two fast a sleep with arms intertwined around each other.
Deb: "The two lovebirds."
Michael had been home for a week since his stay at his mother's and the household gradually got back to normal. Brian had finally vacated the couch after a lot of urging from Justin and Michael. Although Brian slept at home in his own bed and went to work he was usually over for dinner with Justin. Mel and Linds had dropped by to let the Michael see the kids and allowed Mel to check in on Michael. Linds stayed downstairs with Ben and tried to help him with dinner. Soon Hunter had come home from his after school activities and was ready to be fed.
Hunter: "Hey, Pops, I'm home."
Ben: "I am in the Kitchen. Go wash your hands dinner is almost ready. Could you please also get Mel, Michael, Gus and Dawn down here as well."
Hunter: "Sure."
Lindsay: "When did that start?"
Ben: "He started calling me that soon after Michael came home. Michael is Dad and I am Pops. I'm not to fond of it but it is better than calling me Mom."
Lindsay: "You hardly look like a mother to me."
Brian: "He is the one doing the cooking it may not be that far fetched."
Ben: "Thanks Brian. Michael and I usually share all of the chores."
Justin: "Do you think you could show Brian how to do that?"
Brian: "I thought that was what I had you for."
Lindsay: "I just can not imagine you being a mother figure."
Ben: "Would you please tell Michael that? He has been having a great time bugging me about that."
Lindsay: "Do you really need my help to get him to stop?" Ben
: "No. I found my own way to quiet him over the years." Li
ndsay: "I don't want to know."
Mel: "Don't want to know what?"
Ben: "Never mind. You can serve yourself. All of the food is on the island so just take what you want and grab a seat in the dining room."
Justin: "Brian always serves himself."
Hunter: "I though that was your job."
Justin: "Very funny. I happen to be an accomplished artist, a wonderful son, and a damn patient partner."
Mel: "with Brian you would have to be."
Ben: "Brian is not that bad. He is just very aware of his own standards and follows them no matter how strange they may be."
Brian: "Thanks... I think."
Lindsay: "I will put Dawn in her high chair if you grab the baby food."
Hunter: "I just put the baby food on her chair. I helped Dad down the stairs seated him at the table. Could make him a plate since you know what he likes?"
Ben: "Okay. Hunter can you please help Mel get a plate for Gus too."
Hunter: "Will do."
Ben watched as people who had become family gradually made their way out of the kitchen. He could only imagine how empty the house would feel when Hunter went to college or University and the younger children were with Mel and Linds. He picked up the last two plates and filled them with food before entering the dining room. Right beside his chair Michael was looking at the entrance waiting for Ben to come. As Ben seated himself he felt Michaels hand lightly grasp his thigh and squeeze. Ben turned and smiled at him before kissing him. It was meant to be a short one but ended with Ben running his tongue along Michael's.
Hunter: "Must you. Some of us are trying to enjoy our meal."
Ben: "I think you protest too much. I doubt our little signs of affection bug you as much as you say they do."
Hunter couldn't help but smile that Ben had seemed to figure him out. This was the family he had always hoped for, well maybe not this unusual but it worked. He looked at the two men who had taken him in and gave him hope for his future. It hardly seemed to make up for the life he had before and he always had a fear they would change their minds. When he almost lost Michael the last barrier came tumbling down when he realized how much that loss could tear him apart. Unlike the loss of his parents this pain was different. Before he was hurt because of the knowledge that he was never loved, last week he was pained with the thought that Michael could die without ever knowing how much Michael had meant to him. Hunter hated the fact that harm had come to his dad but it had worked out the way it was meant to be. This was home.