We Are the Lucky Ones

Babs

It's early in the morning and as I gaze on your sleeping face I realize how lucky I am that you are in my life. You have given me more than any other man ever has. You have shown me that no matter what happens, no matter the obstacles, we will always be together.

When I was in the hospital after the Babylon bombing and you didn't think I was going to make it, I heard you cry softly as you held my hand. You were talking gently in my ear. You said that I had to fight; that there were too many people who needed me and that I was too young to die. Your cries broke my heart and I just wanted to reach out to you and tell that I was going to be OK. I don't know how I knew that, but I did. I just had to stay this way for a little longer. You whispered that I was a wonderful father and the best friend you ever had and I was more than your husband, I was your life, your heart and soul and you couldn't go on without me. There was such desperation in your voice. I had never heard you sound like that before.

Even when you lost Paul and you were so afraid that you were going to die, you didn't sound the way you did when you were talking to me that day. You said we had a bond with each other, that nobody really understood except Uncle Vic and you needed me to keep you grounded. I was pretty surprised when you said that, since I've always felt that you kept me grounded. You taught me how to live in the NOW. You taught me more than that... Like how to be aware of the important things that life has to offer in the everyday things. You taught me to let go of my anger when I was mad at my mother, or Brian and to just enjoy life. Every sunset and sunrise, and just the sound of my baby cooing were all gifts that I should savor. I think I've done that.

You tightly gripped my hand and said Hunter would never be OK again if I died. He was back, worried and upset that he left the way he did. He said that he needed to see me and tell me things he could only tell me himself. I knew that he would be the next one to come to see me. Right now though, the only thing I wanted to do was hold you in my arms and kiss your lips. I wanted to tell you that you were my life and that we still had a lot of living to do, that I would be there to share more sunsets with you... But I couldn't do it right now. I guess my body just needed a little more time to rest. I felt you let go of my hand and I heard the door to my room open.

Hunter took my hand. He was crying and he was saying how sorry he was that he left the way he did. He said that he loved me. It was so sad to hear him crying because he was always trying to be the tough guy, the kid that didn't need anyone. I knew that wasn't true. I knew he loved me and you and the life we all shared. He had such a hard life before he came to live with us. When everyone at school found out he was HIV positive his world collapsed and he couldn't handle it. He said he had to leave and he knew it was a mistake, but he didn't know how to come back. When he read about what happened at Babylon, he didn't even hesitate, he just took the next bus back to town.

He was silent for a minute and then he said he wanted to let me know how grateful he was that we had fought for him. Nobody had ever loved him before and he liked the feeling of being loved and wanted. He was happy that he was part of a family. He joked that even though you made him eat all the healthy junk, he didn't mind. His voice grew quiet and he leaned closer and told me that he wanted me to know that he respected me. When he knew that you and I were willing to give up everything to keep him, that was the day he knew he was family. He begged me not to die. He called me Dad and he said he didn't know how to take care of you... And that Grandma would never be OK again if anything happened to me. He wouldn't be OK either. I felt so helpless, I just wanted to reach up and touch his cheek and wipe away his tears... but I wasn't able to do that... Not yet.

There would be time later to tell him how proud I was of him. I would tell him that he was my hero. That he had survived more unimaginable horrors in his short life than most older people ever have to deal with. I wanted to tell him that I admired his strength. I promised myself I would tell him all of that as soon as I was able. I would hug him to me and let him know that he is the best son a man could have. I must have fallen asleep again because the next thing I remember is the sound of the door opening. I don't know how I knew this? It must have been basic instinct, but I knew it was Brian. Brian was never one to talk about his feelings to anyone but me and even then that was sort of rare. So, I wasn't surprised when he told me that he had always loved me and always would. I felt him lean his head against my forehead like he always did when he said that. He was quiet for a long time and then he whispered that I had to be OK. He said I was his best friend and the only person who really understood him. He told me that sometimes sharing all his feelings with me scared him and that's why he would try to push me away. But as hard as he tried to push me away, he knew deep down that he could never push me so far that I wouldn't come back. I felt him rub his thumb across the back of my hand. He hesitated and then said his heart was breaking right now, because he thought he was going to lose me and that was the one thing he couldn't handle.

I felt him lean on my bed and he started to whisper in my ear. He called me Mikey and he asked me who would take care of you if I didn't make it? He was trying to be so strong, but I knew better. I felt his hand tremble slightly when he gently took hold of my fingers again. This was the real Brian. I wish he would be this way with everyone. He asked me who would help him be a good father to Gus if I wasn't around? He told me he was sorry that he interfered in my relationship with David, but in the end it all worked out and he liked 'the Professor' much better. He whispered that he was proud of us and he admired me for standing my ground when everyone was against our relationship. It showed him how strong I really was. He was glad I made the choice to stay with you and he would never admit this to anyone but me... he loved you too. I already knew that, but it was good to hear him say it out loud. This was the man I knew... The real Brian.

I wanted to tell him not to worry. I wanted to tell him how proud I was of him for riding in the Liberty Ride so soon after his last cancer treatment. I had been afraid that I was going to lose him and it was something I never thought about before, because he had always seemed invincible to me. It was hard not being able to tell him that you and I both cried when we heard he was going to be OK. I wanted to tell him that he was a great father and that Gus was lucky to have him. I felt his hot tears fall on my hand and I knew he would wipe them away so nobody would see them. He stood up and pulled himself together and then he leaned down and kissed my forehead again before he left my room.

Em and Ted came in next and Ted was holding onto Emmett who was sobbing. I felt bad for them. They both started talking at the same time and asked who would take care of you if anything happened to me? It seemed to be the thing everyone was most worried about after me. They told me how much my friendship meant to them and how grateful they were to me for sticking by them both, during that horrible time when they weren't friends. Ted apologized for all the heartache and worry that he put us through when he was on drugs. He was so glad that I had forgiven him and made him feel part of the group again when he was finally sober. He said he would never forget how I was the very first one to forgive him after I read the letter he gave me, apologizing for all the bad things he had done.

Emmett said he loved me and that he loved me even more for not giving up on him when he was part of that stupid group. Mostly he was so happy that I didn't make fun of him for sleeping with a woman. Brian was still torturing him over that one, but he knew that Brian was glad to have him back too. Out of all my friends, I think Emmett understood Brian and the real person hiding underneath that tough exterior.

They both kissed me goodbye and they would see me later. Emmett patted my hand and whispered in my ear that Mel and Linds were on their way and that they sent their love. He said I should brace myself because my mother was coming in next. I wanted to laugh at that, but couldn't. I promised myself that I would tell them both how much I loved them when I was able, but that thought immediately left my head as soon as Ma came into my room.

She stood there silently for a few minutes.

I was surprised that she didn't speak. It was not like her at all.

I knew how afraid she must be, so when she finally called me a 'little shit' I was relieved!

She was crying. I could hear it in her voice. She took my hand and kissed my cheek. She told me that I was her world and that I couldn't leave her. She smoothed the hair that was across my forehead and she kissed me again. She told me that she didn't know what she would do if anything happened to me. She didn't know how to take care of you, or Brian. She would need someone to take care of her. She loved me and she was so proud of the man I had become.

She said that I would always be her baby boy; my heart broke to hear the sob that escaped her lips before she could stop it. She put her nose on my head and it seemed that she breathed me in. She kissed me again and told me that I was a wonderful father to JR and Hunter. She said that she couldn't have wished for a better son and that you had the best husband in the world. She said I was strong and that she was proud of me for being there for her when Uncle Vic died. I felt a tear slide down the side of my face and she wiped it away; she said that she knew I could hear her and that I had to fight to come back. Everyone loved and needed me, especially her. She knew that it was a selfish thing to say but that I was hers first and would always be hers, no matter who came into my life. She hugged me gently and I heard Carl come in and help her up. He leaned down and told me not to worry, that he would take care of her and that he would see me again when I woke up.

I don't know how long I was asleep but the next thing I remember was feeling you sit on the side of my bed. I felt your warm, soft lips as they brushed against mine and I just knew that I could finally open my eyes. I don't think I will ever forget seeing the worry ease from your tear-stained face as you looked into mine. All you said was, "welcome back baby" and then you laid your head on my chest and I could feel your body shaking. I think it was shaking more with relief than sadness.

After a few weeks, I was able to go home and it was great seeing everyone, especially Hunter. As he hugged me, he said he would never leave again. Well, that was unless you didn't stop making all that healthy junk! It was good to have him back and to know that he was relaxed enough to joke with us again. It was almost like he never left.

As I brush away the hair from your forehead, I can't help but think how beautiful you look when you're sleeping. I also feel so incredibly happy to have you. I know that when my time truly comes to leave you, I won't be afraid. I know we are the lucky ones. We've survived so much together and it has made us stronger. I know deep in my heart that we will be together... Here, in the now and forever in the after.