The floorboards shook as Hunter dashed through the apartment and back to his room for the fourth time, making as much noise as possible and knocking over a small marble Buddha as he went by. Michael rolled his eyes in annoyance. "That kid!"
Ben chuckled. "I know, it's like living with a herd of buffalo."
Hunter emerged from his room at a brisk canter. This time Michael tried to stop him.
"Hunter, will you sit down and eat some breakfast?"
"Need to find..." He was off again.
"Find what?" Ben called after him.
"New battery for my watch 'cause it stopped and I'll need to know what time it is 'cause you said to meet you after..." he tossed out as he hurried by, this time into Ben and Michael's bedroom.
"What are you doing in there?" Michael asked warily, recalling the times Hunter had gone digging in dresser drawers and found certain items not meant for youthful eyes.
"Can I borrow a watch, if you have an extra?" Hunter asked, rummaging on the top of Michael's dresser.
"I guess so. But hurry up and come eat, you'll be late for school." Michael returned to the kitchen. His eyes and Ben's met with matching expressions of parental forbearance. Smiling to himself, Michael settled at the table with a bowl of cereal.
"Who's David?"
Michael dropped his spoon with a start and turned to Hunter. "What?"
"It's on the back of this watch," Hunter said, sitting down at the table. "See?" He held it out to Ben. It was a beautiful, obviously expensive wristwatch; engraved on the back were the words,"Yours forever. David"
Michael snatched the watch away from him. "Where did you get this?" he demanded angrily.
"I found it in the..."
"Who said you could go snooping around in my stuff?"
"You said I could borrow a watch. You weren't using it. It was way in back of a drawer, under your socks."
"Which is where I want it to stay," Michael shouted. "Stop being so damn nosy all the time!" He took the watch back to the bedroom.
Hunter sat silently at the table, with a sullen, mulish look on his face. Ben knew from experience that Hunter used this expression when he was hurt and trying not to show it. Ben removed his watch and handed it to the boy.
"Here. You can use it for today, until we can get you a new battery."
"Thanks," he muttered, not looking up.
"Hunter, don't take what Michael said too seriously," Ben said quietly.
Hunter scrunched up his shoulders. "He said it was okay to look. Why'd he have to get so mad?"
"You must know by now that when Michael gets upset, he lashes out. He doesn't mean it, and he's not really angry with you."
"Well, why's he so upset about a watch, anyway?"
"Because it reminded him of David. David's his ex-partner."
"Oh." Hunter began to calm down. "What happened to him?"
"That's for Michael to tell you, if he wants to."
"I kinda doubt that he will," Hunter said sarcastically, carrying his dishes to the kitchen sink.
Michael came back into the room looking contrite. "Sorry," he said to Hunter.
Hunter narrowed his eyes menacingly. "Maybe I'll tell the social worker that you verbally abuse me. Maybe she'll force you to take anger management courses. How'd you like that?"
"Smartass little brat!"
Hunter grabbed his backpack, grinning from ear to ear. Everything was back to normal. "Bye!" he called out, heading for the door.
"Bye, pal. Have a good day," Ben called back. Michael threw a balled-up paper napkin at the boy's head. With a final clatter of feet and a loud slam of the apartment door, Hunter was off.
Michael rejoined Ben at the table and tried to finish his cereal, which had become disgustingly soggy.
"Really nice watch," Ben commented. "What was it, a Christmas present?"
Michael frowned. "No," he answered shortly. Ben looked at him inquiringly, refusing to take the hint. "He gave it to me for my thirtieth birthday," Michael said finally.
"Thirty. That's an important one, isn't it? A milestone."
Michael shrugged.
"What happened on your thirtieth? Big party?" Ben asked, a little too casually.
Michael looked at him suspiciously. "The guys told you about it, didn't they? What did you do, pump them for information?"
"No, I didn't," Ben replied evenly. "They tried to tell me about it. So did Debbie. I picked up a few bits and pieces, but actually I know next to nothing about it, or about David."
Michael shook his head. "What do you mean, they tried to tell you? What stopped them?"
"I did."
Michael looked surprised. "You did?"
"Yes. I told them I thought you might not like me hearing about David behind your back. I said I'd rather hear about it from you, if and when you wanted to tell me."
Michael dropped his eyes, repentant and touched. "You must have had a hell of a time getting them to shut up."
"I did. Especially Debbie." Michael smiled. "But it did make me wonder," Ben said, feeling his way cautiously, "why you told me so little about David."
Michael's smile diminished. "Well, it's in bad taste to tell your husband about your old boyfriends," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Did you mind when I told you about Paul?"
"Of course not."
"Well, then..."
Michael avoided his eyes. "Why do you want to know, anyway?"
Ben waited until Michael looked at him. "I told you once that I want to know everything there is to know about you. Especially something as important to your life as this."
"What makes you think David was so important to me?"
Ben raised his eyebrows. "You lived with him. You even left everything you knew behind and moved across the country to be with him. He must have meant a lot to you. And I'm sure he loved you as well."
Michael's face was a patchwork of mixed emotions. He opened his mouth to speak, then seemed to change his mind. "I've got to get to work," he said, leaving the table and grabbing his coat, hardly taking the time to say goodbye to Ben before hurrying out the door.
Michael spent a full day at his comic book store, but the work he did barely registered on his consciousness. He had managed to put his time with David virtually out of his mind. But now, Ben wanted to know about that part of his life, and Michael couldn't help but feel it was a reasonable request. He went over those past events in his mind, trying to figure out how to finally talk about them. It seemed too difficult, until he thought of Ben. Ben, whom he could tell anything. Ben who loved and respected him exactly the way he was. He pictured the time Ben had referred to, when he had told Michael, "I'd like to know everything there is to know about you." Ben would help him find the words. Michael realized what a relief it would be, after all this time, to talk to someone about David.
After-school errands were complete, dinner was over, the dishes washed. Hunter was at the table doing his homework. Ben was on the sofa, reading, when Michael sat down beside him. Ben looked up from his book and saw that Michael was holding the watch David had given him. He set his book aside.
"I haven't worn this since I left Oregon," Michael said. "I don't even know why I took it with me. I left everything else David gave me." He looked at Ben, who was listening quietly, waiting. Michael gave him a little smile, grateful for his patience. "You know, the reason I didn't talk to you about David--it wasn't that I didn't trust you or wanted to keep you out of my business or anything like that."
Ben smiled back, letting his hand fall onto Michael's shoulder. "I know."
"I didn't really talk to anyone about it. Not even my mom or Brian."
Ben looked surprised. "You must have been pretty upset, then. Was it a bad breakup?"
"No, it wasn't that. It's just that I don't know how to talk about David without making myself sound like a complete jerk."
Ben grinned at him. "Michael, nothing you could tell me is going to make me think you're a jerk," he assured him. "Do you want to tell me?"
Michael's face was a puzzle. "Yeah," he answered finally.
Ben waited.
"See, what you don't understand is..." Michael began, "well, you didn't know me back then."
"Back when you met David?"
"Right. I was twenty-nine and had never had a boyfriend. Guys didn't ask me out. I just didn't attract that kind of interest." Ben looked skeptical. "Well, they'd ask me into the back room with them, take me home with them, stuff like that, but to see me more than once? It never happened. And besides..."
"Besides...?"
"When I went out places, it was usually with Brian. Once a guy saw Brian, he had no further use for me."
"I see."
"And I had pretty much accepted that. I wasn't going to have someone of my own. I wasn't really unhappy about it, that's just the way it was." Michael's eyes looked off into the distance, remembering. "Then I met David."
Michael turned toward Hunter to make sure he wasn't listening in. "He'll be busy for a while," Ben told him. "History project."
"I met David," Michael went on, "and it was as if I'd won the lottery. He wanted to take me out, spend time talking to me and finding out about me. He didn't even want to sleep with me after our first date. He said he wanted to get to know me better." Michael gave Ben a look of embarrassment. "Well, that was something new for me. He made me feel like I was worth the trouble. He even..."
"What?"
"He turned Brian down. Because he preferred me." Even now there was a touch of amazement in Michael's voice as he related this.
"I like him already."
"But there were problems right from the beginning, because...well, because of Brian. All that time, when I was single and thought I'd stay that way, I always had this hope that some day, Brian and I would get together." Michael glanced at Ben to see how he'd take that; Ben just nodded calmly. "Brian was my ace in the hole, you might say. Everybody wanted him and if finally he ended up with me, well, that would mean that I was special, had been all along. Do you know what I mean?"
"I think so."
"But I never told David about that. I never told anyone, except you." Michael thought a moment. "I should have told him; but I didn't trust him to understand."
"Maybe he knew anyway."
"Maybe," Michael said thoughtfully. "Anyway, there was this one weekend, we'd only been going out a little while, David took me to his cabin in the woods. It was incredible. He went to a lot of trouble to make everything perfect."
"But you didn't like it?"
"I loved it! But then, on Saturday afternoon, I phoned Brian, just to check in, and he said he'd been in a bad car accident. I asked David to take me home. When we got there, Brian was fine. It was just a bump on the head. David was really upset. He walked out I started to go after him, but Brian told me not to. He said I shouldn't ever run after anybody." Again, Michael paused thoughtfully. "I should have gone after him. Why did I listen to Brian? I should have gone and at least said..."
Ben waited, letting his hand rest soothingly on Michael's forearm.
"When we were going out, even after weeks and weeks, I still kept waiting for him to tell me it was over. I jsut knew that sooner or later, he'd figure out who he was dating and realize he'd made a big mistake, and that'd be it for me."
"Why would he think that?"
"Because...because he was a rich doctor, he was educated, he'd travelled all around the world, and I'd barely got through high school, and was working at the Q-Mart."
"It could be that didn't make any difference to him."
"I guess it didn't, but I didn't know that at the time." Michael half smiled. "We were so different! You know, he hated the scene. He lived a pretty quiet life. While we were living together, I'd go out with the guys and he'd stay home and read or visit his own friends."
"You didn't mind that?"
"No. It was one way of allowing for our differences, letting us be ourselves." Again, Michael paused to gather his thoughts. "When we'd been going out about three months, he gave a dinner party to introduce me to his friends. I was scared shitless! I remember," Michael laughed, "the guys gave me a crash course in dinner-table etiquette. Ted even gave me guidelines of topics of polite conversation."
Ben laughed in return. "What would those be?"
"Let's see--don't talk about politics, religion, or money. But I still made a fool of myself. At least, I thought I had."
"What did David think?"
"Oh, I never really told him how I felt. I should have, I guess."
Michael paused and took another look at Hunter, who was still buried in schoolwork, before going on. "When David came to talk to me the next day, I figured it was to break up. I was ready for it. But instead, he asked me to move in with him!"
"Apparently you said yes."
"I didn't--not at first. I told him I needed to think about it. That was a crazy couple of weeks."
"Crazy how?"
"Well, everybody had advice for me. Brian said it was a stupid idea. He and David didn't get along, you know."
"I had gathered that much," Ben remarked drily.
"And Emmett couldn't understand what I was waiting for. Emmett just loved David. Then my mom found out he'd asked me." Michael made an exaggerated 'terrified' face.
Ben laughed. "Uh-oh!"
"Yeah. She was just ecstatic over the idea of her kid going with this rich doctor. She kept telling me to do whatever David wanted, or else I might blow this great opportunity. She made him sound more like a scholarship than a boyfriend. In fact, everyone was telling me how lucky I was to have someone like David." A hint of bitterness crept into Michael's voice. "Nobody ever said he was lucky to have me! Well, nobody except David."
Again, Michael looked up quickly to gauge how Ben was taking all this, but Ben's balm expression showed only sympathy and understanding. Michael took his hand gratefully.
"The thing is, I had no idea what living together would involve. It was a strange idea to me. I didn't hate the idea. It was just strange. I guess I should have told David what I was worried about, found out what I would be getting into, but I never said anything. I just told him I was thinking it over. I should have told him how I felt."
"How long did this go on?"
"Oh, a couple of weeks or so. David even arranged for me to go with him and meet some friends of his, these old men who'd been living together for over fifty years!"
"Wow!"
"That's what I thought! David said he wanted to show me that two men could make a life together."
"That was sweet."
"Yeah, it was. But I still couldn't make up my mind. Finally, I told him I wasn't ready to live with him. We broke up over it."
"But not for good."
"No, just for a few weeks." Michael looked dissatisfied as he remembered. "It was so unnecessary, though! I felt like I had to either take it or leave it. Why didn't I tell David why I was afraid to move in with him, ask him to help me work things out, give me more time? That's what I should have done."
There was a short silence. Finally Ben urged him on. "So, when did you finally move in with him?"
"Right after my thirtieth birthday party," Michael said, "and I guess you've heard a little bit about that."
Ben grinned. "A little, yes."
Michael sighed as he thought about the events of that night. "If you don't mind, let's skip the birthday party for now."
"Fine."
"I moved in with David. He'd been pushing so hard to have me live with him, it never occurred to me that he'd have trouble adjusting. But the very next day, he had some kind of panic attack and hid all my stuff away in closets."
Ben looked at him closely. "You're making that up, aren't you?"
"No! I came home from work and there wasn't a trace of me left anywhere in the house! He'd even replaced my alarm clock with one of his own."
Ben half laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. "It sounds like 'trouble adjusting' is putting it mildly!"
"But I'm glad about the way it worked out. For once, I said something, told him how I felt. When I came home the next day, everything was back in place. He apologized. He said it had suddenly hit him that he was part of a couple again, and it had freaked him out. We made up." A tiny smile appeared on Michael's face at the recollection. "David never had any trouble apologizing, nicely, when he realized he was wrong. After that, I thought everything would be okay and we'd be able to work things out when we disagreed."
"And were you?"
"Well...it wasn't as simple as that. See, David was kind of a jealous person. It's not that he minded me seeing my friends, or doing what I wanted, but where Brian was concerned..."
"He was jealous of Brian," Ben finished for him.
"I guess so."
"Did he tell you that?"
"No. Not in so many words. But he did tell me once that there was only room in our bed for him and me, not for him, me, and Brian."
"Hmmm." Ben held back any further comment.
"David had his own way of dealing with it. He was very determined. An overachiever, he called himself. He always felt that if he just worked hard enough at something, it would succeed. So that's what he did with me."
"Worked on you?"
"You could say that. He put all his effort into making me happy and trying to make us a real couple. He would take me to great places all the time. He'd buy me presents. He'd take me on trips, to New York and Paris and out to the country on weekends. At home, he'd always be doing stuff like, say, bringing me breakfast in bed." Michael again gauged Ben's reaction before going on. "He was always complimenting me. He couldn't be in a room with me without hugging me, touching me...I felt like I was just basking in love, wallowing in it. But..." Michael's expression was puzzled.
"But it wasn't enough?"
"No--it was too much! He did all the giving, and I never got the chance to give anything back. Where things really started to go wrong," Michael said, as if just then realizing it for himself, "was when he stopped taking my money."
Ben frowned. "He was taking your money?"
"No, no. I mean, he wouldn't let me pay for anything. He had to do everything for me, take care of all the expenses. I didn't feel right about it, but everybody said..." Michael was looking very alert now, concentrating. "They said I was being silly. So did David. He makes more money, they said, why not let him pay if he wants to? But it made me feel really weird. It changed the way we were together." Michael's voice was starting to rise; Hunter even looked up from his work for a moment. "Why did I listen to them? Why didn't I tell David: I don't feel right about this, I know you make more money than I do, but we have to find another way to work it out, so we can still be equals. You know?" he appealed to Ben, but without waiting for an answer. "It never really got better after that. I loved him, and he loved me, but there was always something between us, and I helped put it there. At least, I helped keep it there." He looked angry. "David couldn't stop trying to control everything, make everything okay by sheer effort, and I just found it easier to go along than to fight it."
Michael stopped short, as if running out of energy all at once. Ben gently rubbed the back of his neck, offering comfort while giving Michael his space. Michael looked at him with gratitude. He took a deep breath.
"Should I have gone with him to Portland? I don't know. Part of the problem was that I left while Justin was in the hospital. Brian was just falling apart, but he wouldn't take my calls or answer my e-mails. I was worried about him and about my mom too and I missed my friends...Maybe things wouldn't have worked out anyway, even if the situation had been different. But I still feel bad, because even then I wasn't honest with David. I should have told him what was wrong, that I needed to go back home, at least for a while. Instead, I just sulked and complained until he told me himself that I should go home. And that was that."
"And you haven't spoken to him since?"
"Well, a couple of times, just for a minute. To work out where my stuff would be sent, things like that."
Hunter began to stack up his schoolbooks. "You all done, pal?" Ben called to him.
"Yep. This baby should get me out of the Valley of the Eternal C-Minus!" he bragged.
Ben rose, giving Michael's hand a gentle squeeze as he left, and walked over to the table. "Mind if I take a look?" he asked Hunter. Michael stayed on the sofa, lost in thought.
It was over an hour before Hunter had been coaxed and nagged into washing, brushing his teeth, and changing for bed. His room was quiet at last. Michael was straightening up in the kitchen when Ben came up behind him and embraced him, kissing him on the neck. Michael smiled and leaned back against him, taking comfort in his closeness. After a moment, Ben commented, "You know what? Maybe you should wear that watch, at least on special occasions."
He felt Michael stiffen in his arms. "You seem awfully fond of my old boyfriend," he muttered.
"Well, I owe him a lot. From what you tell me, we might not be together now if it weren't for him."
Michael shrugged, relaxing once again. "Maybe not," he conceded.
Ben nuzzled his ear affectionately. "You know, you seem to have a lot of regrets where David is concerned."
"Do I?"
"Sure. You wish you'd been more honest with him, told him how you really felt, stood up to him when it counted..."
Michael grimaced. "Okay, maybe I do."
"Yes. And I hate to add one more..." Michael turned to him in surprise. "...but there's something else you failed to do, and I think you should make up for it, before any more time passes."
Michael scowled; he hadn't expected this. "What's that?"
"You didn't stay in touch with him."
"After we broke up for good? Why would I?"
"Because now, after you're no longer angry, it would be good to resolve things, make sure there are no hard feelings."
"I don't need to resolve anything with David!"
"Well, maybe he needs it." Michael had no idea what to say to that. "It helped me a lot," Ben went on, "when Paul and I were finally able to forgive each other and be friends again. We were both able to get some closure and move on. If you don't do that, there will always be things that are just left hanging, never really finalized. For either one of you."
"But," Michael spluttered, "after all this time, I can't just call him up out of the blue and..."
"Sure you can."
"I wouldn't even know what to say to him!"
"Tell him what you told me," Ben suggested gently. "Tell him you feel badly about the way it ended and tell him about the things you regret from when you were together. He probably has some things he'd like to say to you, as well."
Michael was speechless. Kissing him softly on the temple, Ben moved away toward the bedroom and began undressing for the night. When Michael didn't follow after a few minutes, he looked back out the doorway. Michael was on the phone. Ben silently slipped back into the bedroom and settled himself on his side of the bed with a good book. He assumed the call would be a lengthy one.
David hung up the phone and stared at it thoughtfully for a moment before slowly returning to the living room.
Eric was sitting on the sofa, reading. Sandy was curled up beside him on the sofa, where he knew very well he was not permitted, his shaggy head resting in Eric's lap. His tail thumped briefly against the fabric as David returned to the room and sat down on his partner's left.
"That was a long conversation," Eric observed, turning a page and keeping his eyes on his book. David knew that this was Eric's way of asking a question yet leaving David free to ignore it if he chose not to answer. It was just one of the things he loved about Eric. He gently smoothed Eric's hair at the temple, where strands of silver were beginning to grow in.
"I'm so lucky to have you," he murmured. Eric turned to him in surprise.
"What brought that on?"
"Nothing. I was just reminded that I can be very hard to live with."
"Is that so?" Eric set his book aside and turned toward him.
"That was my ex on the phone."
"Lori?"
"No -- Michael, the man I lived with back in Pittsburgh."
"Oh." Eric nodded. "I don't think you've ever told me much about him." He looked down at Sandy, stroking the dog's head, once again giving David the option to reply or not. David took a deep breath.
"It all started..."