Summary: Ben's realization
Archive Date: 22 November 2006
Michael:
I was walking down Liberty Anvenue thinking, passing all the trannies, leather daddies and queens on their way to Babylon. Usually I would be like them and on my way in with Brian but tonight was different. I couldn't get what Ben had said that morning out of my head.
" Michael, I need to be on my own for awhile. This doesn't mean I don't love you, it's just I need some space."
Was I crowding him? I certainly didn't think so. I always let him be when he was working on his book or with friends, to be honest I don't think we're spending enough time TOGETHER. Maybe that's just me,maybe we are together too much, or maybe he's thinking of leaving me? Did he meet someone better? Someone who has more things in common with him? Someone.... positive? No, I'm not even gunna throw that one in there. Our relationship was fine and we never put Ben being positive into factor. We loved each other, or so I thought. Who knows maybe I'm reading too much into this. Yah, I probably am. He probably just needs to finish his book with no interuptions or distractions. I guess it wouldn't hurt being apart for awhile, I could spend more time with ma, she'd love that. Then again it might just drive me crazy, I could always spend more time with Emmett and Ted, they did just get married. I don't know maybe go out clubbing with Brian like old times. For now, I'm gunna go home, get some sleep.
Ben:
Sitting in this trashy hotel room isn't exactly the apartment but I need to figure some things out about me and Michael's relationship. I love Michael, there's no doubt about that, it's just that I don't know what to do. I have this feeling and the pit of my stomach that's telling me that I should get out while I can. I'm scared because I don't know why I would feel that way. I always knew Michael felt things for Brian, he'd always love him. Some part of his heart would always belong to him but I always shoved it to the back of my mind because Michael was with me. I thought Michael was passed that too, and maybe he is but something's telling me he's not.
It was three days ago the thought had first entered my mind. We had gotten home from Babylon with Ted and Emmett celebrating their marrige, and Michael had fallen asleep cuddled close to me. Things were fine and I was about to fall asleep when this thought that Michael still loved Brian came to my head. I always knew it but I didn't care, and for some reason that night I did. I tried to shake it away and go to sleep. I held Michael closer to me and closed my eyes but the only thing I saw was Michael dancing with Brian. It never did bother me before, I knew they had a special relationship that I don't think anyone could figure out but that night it did. I couldn't get it out of my head so I carefully got out of bed so not to wake up Michael, got dressed and went for a walk.
I walked around Liberty trying to figure out why I felt this way. People were still walking out of Babylon at 4 a.m., and a few even hit on me, some were actually cute but none that could hold my interest. Not like I'd actually do anything but it does feel good to be noticed, not only known as one half of an old married couple. It' not like I dont like it, I love having someone there for me, but I dont know, maybe it was the night. I kept on walking and then began to run. Running always helped, I ran all the way from the Diner, around the park and back to the apartment. I was out of breath by the time I got up the stairs to the door. I opened the door to find Michael sitting on the couch. He looked at me with a kinda cute confused face. I knew my shirt was drenched in sweat, and he knew that I always ran when I was worried or trying to figure out something.
" Where were you? I woke up and you weren't there. You scared the shit out of me."
" Sorry, I went for a run."
" I know, I can see that. But at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
" I couldn't sleep, I figured I would run and tire myself out."
" Well, I could have helped you out with that." He slinkered over to me.
" Well, I'll remember for next time." I smiled at him. " I'm gunna go shower. Go back to sleep."
" Ok. But you are ok?"
" Yah, I'm fine. I swear."
" Ok." He kissed me then went back to bed.
I stood there for a moment then went in the bathroom, stripped my clothes and jumped in the shower. I couldn't tell him what was going on in my head. We usually shared everything but I didn't think that would be a proper conversation at 5 in the morning. I got out quickly and by the time I got to bed Michael was already back asleep. Once I finally fell asleep it was 7.
This bed is not exactly comfortable, it's kinda like sleeping on the floor but I should get as much sleep as I can get, I have to work tomorrow. It's a good thing I brought my briefcase. Maybe I'll dream a way to figure all of this out.
Michael:
I walked around town all day and I knew I couldn't stay at the apartment so I went to the only person who wouldn't give me the second degree, Brian.
" Hey, thanks for letting me stay here tonight, I just can't go back to the apartment."
" It's ok, that's what I'm here for."
" Where's Justin tonight?"
" He's with Daphane, she's going through a mood swing or whatever."
" Oh." I leaned against the post.
" So, what's going on between you and the proffessor?"
" I don't know, this morning out of nowhere, he told me he needed space and that he'd be staying at a hotel. I don't get it, he said he needed space. Am I crowding him?"
" Nah, I dont think so. He probably wants to finish his book or something. You're not crowding him."
" I dont know, I was walking around all day trying to figure it out. Well more like worrying. He went running at four in the morning the other day."
" So? What's that have to do with anything?"
" He only goes running when he's worried or trying to make a decision about something, and at four in the morning. It's not like him."
" Maybe he's stuck on his book, not knowing how to finish it or whatever."
" Yah, you're probably right. I'm probably over reacting, but I still don't think I can stay at the apartment tonight."
" Well, you can stay here tonight, we'll go out and rent some movies, make some popcorn."
" Popcorn? Won't that interfere with your diet? You're starting to get abit pudgy around here." ( pinches stomach)
" Do you want to stay here tonight?"
" I'm sorry, your beautiful. You always will be."
" That's better. Come on let's go get X-Men or something."
" A comic movie? You must really love me."
" I do, you know you can stay here whenever you need to."
" Unless, you're with some hot guy?"
" No, come even then, I'll boot his ass out."
" Well now I really feel loved."
" You should." Then he grabbed me around the neck and kissed me.
After that we went out rented a few movies came back got stoned and watched the Three Stooges marathon. It gets even funnier when you watch it stoned. I was still worrying about Ben but a high does make most of it go away. It felt like old times, Brian and I against the world. It felt good, but being here with Brian made me realize a few things. Sure, I still loved Brian but not in that way I did before, that undeniable sexual attraction. I think that night I finally realized I was over him and happy with Ben. We ended up crashing on the floor.
Ben:
I woke up in a cold sweat, not a bad cold sweat but I good one, I think. I think I did dream a way to figure it all out too. I don't know if it was because Ted and Emmett just got married or the fact I was in a smelly uncomfortable hotel room alone, I knew what I had to do and why I was feeling the way I was. I think.
After class I called Emmett and asked him to meet me at a small coffee shop by the university. Emmett was one of Michael's friends I first felt comfortable with right away. They're all my friends now but I trust Emmett completly with anything. He met me an hour after I called and I poured it all out.
" I had this wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach for about four days now."
" Oh honey, you're not sick are you?" He asked worriedly.
" Oh no, nothing like that. Look, I don't know exactly how I feel right now so I'd like it if this just stayed between the two of us."
" Ok, sure. What is it?"
" The last four days I had this feeling like.......I don't know, that Michael would always love Brian more. It's really wierd because I understand their relationship, I have for awhile it's just I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling about it."
" Oh that's completly understandable honey, people always have doubts. Believe me as a wedding planner I see it alot."
" Well, I'm not sure it's doubts exactly. Last night I stayed at a hotel, I couldn't stay with him, I needed to figure out what to do about this."
" Oh that explains it."
" Explains what?"
" Michael stayed at Brian's last night. Oh sorry, maybe I shouldn't have told you that."
" No it's ok, you see I figured it out, I think. I was thinking before I went to bed and ended up having this dream."
" About?"
" Getting married. I know you and Ted just got married and I thought about that, you know that being something but even if it was it got me thinking about me and Michael."
" Oh honey, you want to get married?"
I smiled, I couldn't help it thinking of it just made me smile." I think so. Maybe that's why I had some doubts, I wanted to take the next step and was just getting rid of all the problems and tensions I was still living with."
" And you're over all of that? You can get past Brian and Michael's 'special' relationship?"
I nodded, " Yah, I think I can. I mean I love him, Em. That's enough."
" And you know how much he loves you."
" Yah, I do. But I'm still not sure about all of it. Not sure if I can go to that step. How did Ted get the nerve to do it?"
" He just did it, I don't think he thought about it too much though. He sorta just spit it out while we were making dinner."
" Huh." I took a sip of my coffee.
" But you take your time, no need to rush. For now go get Michael. Then decide what to do. It's not like he's going to leave you."
" I know, but even if I did get the nerve to propose how do I know if he'll accept?"
" Simple. You don't. But you should know that he'd do anything fo you. Look at what he did to get you back. He sang infront of all of those people, not very well but he did."
" Marrige is alittle different though. It's a huge commitment."
" I know, believe me I know. But if you love each other enough then it doesnt matter, does it? You two are already commited to that point, mite as well make it semi-official."
" Yah, your right. Now I need to find a way to propose." I smiled.
" What?"
" It's just the word. I never thought I'd find someone that I loved so much to get to this point."
Emmett smiled back," Well there you go, now let's go find him a big sparkly ring to go with your beautiful proposal."
" Ok, I still can't believe I'm gunna do this."
" Well, think about it this way, technically you're not doing anything that you're not already in, you just to wear rings and get a joint bank account and health benifits. You two are already married in my books."
" I guess, we are. Well, since you're already here, you can help me pick out the rings."
" Goody, let's shop."
Emmett and I looked all around town for the perfect rings, actually he did most of the work I was still in awe that all of this was actually gunna happen. We finally decided on these beautiful white gold rings, plain but beautiful. I dropped off Emmett at his house and drove around for abit working up the nerve to do it. I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't know what to do, if I should get flowers or go out for dinner. I don't know, I finally just decided to act normal pick him up go to dinner, not at the diner and ask him there. I figured that he couldn't make a huge scene at a restaurant if he said no, so I called his cell, found him at Woody's with Brian and Justin, and went to pick him up after making reservations at a little restaurant called ' Mirage'.
Michael:
I was sitting at Woody's with Brian and Justin when Ben called me and told me he was going to pick me up, he said we needed to talk. Great, I feel like a teenage girl, who's boyfriend just said the four most hated words in the world. I finished my drink quietly.
" So, what did he say?" Brian asked.
" He's going to pick me up. He's on his way. He said that we needed to talk."
" Ouch." Justin said then turned away quickly.
" Justin. Look Mikey, you're getting way ahead of yourself, you don't know what he wants to talk about. It could be about what's for supper tomorrow night."
" After being gone last night. I don't think that's it. But maybe you're right, maybe it's not what I think."
" I am right. Why would he break up with you? Did you give him a reason to?"
" No, at least I don't think so. Well, I'm not going to worry about it till the time comes."
" Good, have another drink till then." Justin said.
" I can't, he's taking me out for supper."
" Mikey," Brian rolled his eyes." Then he's definatly not breaking up with you. Why didn't you say that before?"
" He still could, maybe he's doing it there so I don't make a scene."
" Michael's right, maybe Ben is taking him there so he won't make a scene."
" Justin, you're not helping. Just shut up. Mikey, it could be something totally different from what you're thinking. Maybe he's pregnant?" Brian said joking.
" Yah, that's probably it." I said laughing.
" And if it's a boy , you have to promise to name it after me."
" Brian, I'm not naming my kid, Slut."
" Shut up. I was thinking more along the lines of Gorgeous One. It fits perfectly."
" Yah, I'm sure. I'm gunna run to the bathroom, if he shows up tell him I'll be right out."
" Ok."
I went into the bathroom hoping to put my thoughts back in order. Thinking of everything Justin and Brian said, maybe he was taking me out to a restaurant to break up with me. The thing was was that I couldn't think of a reason why he would want to. I've never forced him to do anything he didn't want to, I wasn't needy and I definatly wasn't abusive. He could hold me back with one hand, it really wasn't something I could attempt. The only thing I could think of was that he met someone else, and I really couldn't think of that, yet I couldn't get it out my head. Then Justin came in.
" Ben's here. Good luck."
" Yah, thanks. You don't really think that's the reason, do you?"
" What do I know? But if that is the reason then I think he's making a huge mistake."
I smiled," Thanks. Ok, here I go I guess." I left Justin standing in the bathroom and walked out to Brian and Ben.
" Hey, are you ready to go?"
" Yah" In my head I was thinking that I'd rather stay here. " I'll see you later, Bri."
" Ok, Mikey." That's when Justin rejoined us.
" Well, let's go. I made reservations."
" Ok, I'll see you guys later."
Brian winked at me." Ok Mikey."
I left with Ben not looking at him the whole way to the car. I was sorta getting mad, I guess the idea of Ben leaving me for someone else went too far. Him having the time to find someone else, while we were together really pissed me off. Once we got in the car I just sat quietly thinking of how I was going to handle the news.
" I'm sorry, that I left last night, I just needed to think about some things."
" It's ok." I think it came out alittle harsh cause Ben just stared at me.
" Ok, I hope you're not mad."
" No, I'm just thinking too."
" Oh."
The rest of the way we spent it in complete silence, I spent it staring out the window. Watching all of the lights and people walking around. We were now out of the gay ghetto and into breeder county. Seeing all of the couples walking around just made me madder, thinking of how happy they are together, holding hands, kissing, whatever. He parked across the street from a cute little restaurant. I've never been here before, actually I've never been in this part of town before. I liked the name though, Mirage. It was cute. I got out of the car and followed Ben inside.
Ben:
I didn't know exactly what was going through Michael's head but I knew it couldn't be pleasant, he looked at me with this expression I've never seen before. It was probably my fault since I did kinda leave him without an explaination. But once I got inside the restaurant I became really nervous.
" Uh, Bruckner." I said to the hostess without looking at Michael. I couldn't get the nerve to somehow.
" This way please." We followed the hostess to a little table in the corner. She gave us some menus and walked away.
" I hope you like it here. A friend at school told me about it."
Michael nodded," It's cute."
" Uh, so what do you feel like having? Pick whatever you want."
" Ok." He looked over the menu.
Although I did leave him last night he was acting alittle distant. Almost rude. Definatly something I've never seen from him. A waitress walked up.
" Can I get you two anything to drink? We also have selections from the bar."
" I'll have a coke." I couldn't drink when I was about to do the most frightening thing imaginable. Most people do to make them braver but for me it just makes me act shyer.
" I'll have a scotch on the rocks"
" Ok, I'll be right back with your drinks." She left.
Well obvisously Michael could. He was really scaring me, making all the nervousness turn into worry.
" So, how was work?"
" Look, if you're going to do it then just get it over with."
" What?" I knew by the way he said it he didn't know what I brought him here for.
" Look, just do it already. I appreciate you bringing me here but if you're going to break up with me then just do it, I hate waiting."
" Is that why you think I brought you here?"
" Well, last night you left cause you needed your space. If I was crowding you, you could have just told me. I would have backed off."
" Michael, you weren't crowding me."
" Then what? What did I do?"
" You didn't do anything. It was all me. I was...."
" You were what? Having doubts about us?"
" No, it was just alittle feeling that started in the pit of my stomach and grew into something..."
" Uh, sorry, here you are." The waitress cut me off and set down our drinks. " I'll give you awhile to decide what you want." She smiled then left.
" Into something?"
" Into something bigger. Something that really bugged me, and I don't know why. I thought I had it all under control. I didn't care, I don't."
" Ok, so what is it? What's this all about?"
" Your feelings for Brian."
Shocked," Oh." He downed his drink. " Well, I......"
" I know, I mean I understand your relationship, I do. It's just that night I was feeling...... I'm not really sure what I was feeling."
" Ben, if you felt that way why didn't you just talk to me about it?"
" Because I was confused, I needed to figure out why I felt that way."
" So? Did you?"
" Yah, I did. I talked to Emmett today and figured out everything."
" With Emmett?" He smiled.
I nodded" Yah, with Emmett."
" And? What was the end result?"
" That I loved you and I couldn't live without you."
He gave me that beautiful smile that just makes me crazy. " Well, what was the problem then?"
" Well, you see I did come up with something."
" And what is that?"
" Uh, well I thought that...... uh. This is kinda hard to get out."
He looked worried once again." Just say it."
I dug in my pocket and pulled out the ring box without letting him see it, I looked down at it. " Uh, well....."
" Ben, just say it, you're making me kinda nervous here."
" Ok," I pulled out the box and opened it towards him." Will you marry me?"
Michael sat there quietly, not saying anything. It was easier to get it out then I thought but it was the waiting that drove me crazy.
" Michael, did you hear me?"
" Uh, yah. I did. Umm, I dont..."
I guess there was my answer. I started to put the ring back away.
" Wait, I didn't answer you yet." He looked me deep in the eyes and said," Yes, I'd love to marry you Ben."
I smiled, " Really?"
" Yes, really. I love you."
I went over to him, grabbed his face and kissed him longingly. Then I knelt on one knee and slipped the ring on his finger.
" I love you too."
" And all this time I thought you were bringing me here to break up with me."
" Why would I bring you to a restaurant to break up with you?"
" Just so I wouldn't make a scene."
" Well, that was the reason I brought you to a restaurant to propose, just in case, you said no. So you couldn't make a scene."
" Either way I was going to make a scene. Am I that much of a drama queen?"
" No, you're not. It's just well it was more for my benifit. If you said no, I know you wouldn't
have just stormed out so. It was more so I didn't get embarassed."
" Oh, well the ring is beautiful." He said staring at it.
" Yah, uh I hope your not mad but Emmett helped me. It seems that I'm not too good at shopping, but I was the one to pick these ones out. He just approved them."
" Well that's Em for you. I know you made these reservations and it's beautiful, now that I know the real reason but how about we go home and celebrate?"
" I really like your idea better. I'll go pay for the drinks, then we're outta here."
" Ok."
I got up and walked to the front. Feeling relieved and really happy.
Michael:
I couldn't believe the real reason Ben brought me here. The part about why he left in the first place did bother me alittle bit but after he proposed, I didn't care. As long as he's ok with it now, that's all that matters. As I think harder about what just happened and what I'm going to do, I realized, I'm going to be someone's wife. I know, wife, but that's what I am, I've learnt to deal with it. There's no doubt that I love Ben, it's just the thought, I guess. I won't be free anymore. I would never cheat on Ben or even think I could find someone better, but the thought of being, taken, sold, you know, no longer available. I'll just have to get used to it.
" Are you ready to go?"
" Yah, let's go."
I got up grabbed Ben's hand and we walked out of there. I know I saw some people staring but you have to learn to deal with it when you're around straight people. In their so-called world. Some people are just narow-minded, and I don't judge them for it, they just follow what they were told by society. All I'm worried about now is the wedding. It's not really a wedding since our President has yet to legalize it, it's more of a spiritual binding. But for now the only thing I'm going to concentrate on, is getting Ben out of his clothes.
Ben:
I was shocked when Michael said yes. I didn't have doubts about his love for me, it was just that I didn't really know Michael to be the type to get married. Now that he said yes, I don't have anything else to worry about. So I parked the car across the street from our apartment and we ran up the stairs. I unlocked the door and picked Michael up.
" What are you doing?"
" Well it's tradition."
" That's after we get married, and why are you the one to carry me? Why can't it be the other way around?"
I looked at him with an eyebrow cocked. Michael was indeed stronger then he looked and could pin me even when I tried my hardest but there was no way he could carry me. " Are you serious?"
" Ok, ok." He waved his hand towards the apartment." Let's go."
I walked in with him in my arms and almost dropped him when I saw a strange man standing in our apartment.
" David?"
The man turned around with tears in his eyes. I set down Michael gently. I knew that name from somewhere.
" David, what are you doing here? How did you get in here?"
Oh my gawd, that was Michael's ex. The one from Portland, the one right before me.
" Uh Frank, remembered me. I'm sorry, I just. I didn't know where else to go." He sniffled.
" What's wrong?"
He tried to hold back tears but he let them go and managed to get out what he wanted to say very slowly.
" It's....... Hank.....he uh.....Michael he.......fell into a coma. They don't think he'll wake up."
" What?! Oh my gawd." Michael went over to comfort him.
I stood there trying to remember if Michael had mentioned a Hank before and I know he did but who was...... wait it was David's kid. From what I remembered about what Michael told me, Hank would only be not much older then 15 now.
" I had to come for his medical records and I couldn't. I couldn't do it alone. I'm sorry I shouldn't have just barged in. You guys look like your.."
" No, it's ok." Michael looked at me with tears.
I remembered how Michael felt for the kid. He felt like a father or so he told me.
" Uh, I'll go and let you two talk."
" No. I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry, I'll go."
" Don't, I told Ben about you and Hank, he understands."
" Yah, I do. So I'll go grade some papers at the school. I'll call you later."
" Ok, thanks." He said to David, " Hold on." He got up and walked up to me." I'm sorry about tonight. I can't just leave him."
" I know, ok, I understand. It's alright. You stay here with him and I'll go stay in my office tonight, or crash at Ted and Emmett's. Just give me a call later ok?"
He smiled, his eyes glissened with tears," I love you, you know that?"
" Yah, I do. I love you too. Go and comfort him. He needs you right now. We have lots of time to worry about us."
He kissed me deeply and smiled then went back to David. I walked out of the apartment and back to the car. I sat there for awhile thinking about everything that happened tonight. With us it seemed like something always happens but I guess that's what makes the journey more exciting. I can't believe I even thought that, one of Michaels friends kid slipped into a coma and I'm sitting here thinking about our problems. I grabbed my cell and called the hotel I just stayed at. I couldn't trouble Ted and Emmett with this. I got the room, started the car and drove off.
Michael:
I never thought I'd see David again and I'm glad that I did but not like this. Not Hank. I sat up with David all night comforting him, hiding my own sadness. He finally fell asleep on the couch, and I'm still here playing with his hair. He always fell asleep when I did that. I couldn't believe everything I remembered. And Hank meant everything to David, if he didn't wake up, David would be a wreck. Hell, Hank meant lots to me too. When I left I missed Hank almost as much as I missed David. Even after David and I broke up Hank would still email me. This one time I got the most saddest email I've ever recieved from him. I still have it on my computer. He asked me to come back, and that he missed me. David didn't even do that. Eventually he stopped writing. I didn't forget about them but I moved on, with Ben. Once I knew David was in a deep sleep I got up and made myself a cup of Ben's green tea, I never did like the stuff but it was supposed to calm you down. After eveything that happened tonight I was still in shock, about everything. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. I sat at the table with the tea and thought about everything, to try and sort it all out. Of course, I couldn't so I decided to call Ben. He always seemed to find a way to calm me down, maybe it was the smoothness to his voice or just who he is. I picked up the portable and called his office. There was no answer so I figured that he was at Ted and Emmett's already but I didn't want to wake them so I dialed his cell number. I let it ring a few times when I heard his voice. I think I woke him up because his voice was alittle hoarse.
" Hello?"
" Hey Ben."
His voice perked up abit, " Oh hey baby. How is he?"
" He's sleeping on the couch. This is taking alot out of him."
" I bet it is. Now, how are you?"
" Rattled, you know. Still in shock I think. I mean for one I never thought I'd see David again but to end up seeing him in this circumstance. It's not easy. Hank's only 16. He's everything to David. If Hank...., David wouldn't survive."
" Well we just have to hope for the best. And he's young so there's a good chance that he'll pull out of it. Did David say how long he's been in the coma?"
" Yah, 10 days already. He was hit my a falling shelf at school."
" Oh my gawd."
" Yah, I just...(sniffles) I dont think I can......."
" Are you ok? Do you want me to come home?"
" No, umm I don't want you to worry Ted and Emmett."
" Uh, I'm not there actually."
" But I called your office, you weren't there."
" I'm at a hotel. I didn't want to trouble Ted and Emmett., and I didn't think that I should tell them why I was there."
" Oh, well. It's ok, David might wake up, and you already paid for the room so you can stay there. I just need to talk to you." I started to cry again." Ben, I can't, I'm sorry."
" For what?" He said sympathetically.
" For dragging you into my past. You don't need this. It's not your problem."
" Michael, you're my fiancee, anything that worries you is my problem. I'm fine with that. The only problem I have is seeing,well hearing you like this."
" Yah. I just need to think about all of this. I loved..... uh."
" You loved him? And you loved Hank. That's ok, I'm fine with it, you can tell me anything that's bothering you. That's what I'm here for. Talk to me."
" Ok. Ben, I did love them. And somehow I feel as if..... oh I dont know. I'm just still connected you know. Not in any sexual way or anything, Hank was my kid once and I still feel.... I still love him like he was mine you know. I don't want him to die."
" I don't want him to die either and I didn't know him. It's called love, Michael. And you're full of it. That's why I feel in love with you. You love everyone and you hate to see bad things happen to those people that you do love. Remember the way I was when Paul died? I acted the same way you are, and that's because I was still connected to him too. The people that we loved in the past and that feeling doesn't go away. It'll always be in your heart. It'll always stay with you."
" Yah, so you understand?"
" Yah, I do. It's ok that you still love them and feel for them. That's the way love works. It doesn't go away no matter what happened. That's how strong it is."
" Somehow you always make me feel better. How do you do that?"
" I love you. I just say what I know will make you feel better, something that makes me feel better. But you should try to get some sleep. Make a cup of green tea."
" I already did. You're right though, it does calm you down abit."
" Yah. So are you ok?"
" Not really but better. I'm gunna get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll meet you at the Diner at 12?"
" Ok, I love you."
" I love you too. Good night."
" Night."
We hung up and I went to the bedroom, I kept the door open just in case he woke up. I got undressed slipped on some pyjama pants and lyed down. Staring at the bedroom ceiling, the same ceiling I've seen many times in this position. Thoughts about my first time with David here made me smile. I shouldn't have been thinking about it in these conditions but I couldn't help it. Thinking about all of the times we made love and just slept here. It was extremly akward because I now share this bed with Ben and we have many times done the same things here. Things were getting so confusing, I couldn't sleep in this room without thinking of sex. I don't understand it. It was definatly not a time to but the thoughts just kept coming, even some without Ben and David. I got up and moved to the spare room. I was in there for about ten minutes before I fell asleep.
It was around four thirty or so when David dragged himself into the room and woke me up, he didn't mean to but when he climbed in with me then I realized he was there.
" Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I just can't sleep out there by myself."
" No, it's ok. Come."
He hopped in with me, " Are you sure? Ben won't mind?"
" Well, it's not like we're going to fuck or anything. He'll understand."
" Ok," he climbed in with me and was lying near the edge of the bed, " Good night."
" David?"
" Yah."
" You can move closer. I know how you feel, Ben was in the hospital too."
He moved closer and looked at me, " Why? What happened?"
" Well, the doctors had changed his meds and he had gotten acute pancreatis. He was there for awhile and I thought that I might have lost him."
" Meds for what?"
" Ben's HIV positive."
" Wow, I didn't know. I'm sorry."
" No, it's ok. We're fine. But I know that feeling. It hurts, I know, but when you see him open his eyes and sit up it fades. All the doubts and fears go away."
" Yah, you're right. And I really shouldn't be here."
" No, it's ok. Ben doesn't care."
" No, that's not what I mean. I should be with Hank. You're right and I need to be there when he wakes up. I'm gunna go and get his records then go." He begain to get up.
" Uh, David?"
He stopped, " Yah?"
" It's like five o'clock in the morning. Maybe you should wait till at least seven." I smiled.
He smiled back, " Yah, you're right. Well I'm going to go back to sleep, if I can." he started to walk out.
" David, how about you come back in here and we talk for awhile?"
" At five in the morning?"
" Why not? We've done crazier things, remember?"
He lightly chuckled, " Yah, I do. Like the time we ran to New York at 4 in the morning for the day." He climbed back in.
" Yah, or the time we went to Scranton to prove to you that I knew there was a drag queen named Chocolate Bar there."
He laughed, " Yah, I remember that trip. You won."
" I know, you know although we didn't exactly end on good terms, I'd still like to hear from you from time to time to see what's new."
" Ok, I can do that. Well, I never really asked what was new with you. Still working at the Big Q?"
" No, far from it. Actually I own my own comic store, and uh comic."
" A store and a comic book?"
" Yah."
" You created a comic book?"
" Yah, uh Justin and I did one night at Babylon."
" Wow, so what he draws you write?"
" Yah, well at least you remembered that I suck at drawing."
" Well, I'm good like that. Maybe I've heard of it, what's it called?"
" It's called Rage, but I'm not sure it got too much farther then Pittsburgh."
" No, wait, I've heard about it. The gay superhero? Rage and Pepper?"
I smiled, " Uh It's Zepher actually, but yah. You heard about it all the way in Portland?"
" Yah, actually Laura mentioned it to me one day but I never read it, sorry. Actually I never really looked at another comic book since you. It brought back too many memories."
" Well, that's ok."
" But now I'll be sure to look at it. I'll show it to Hank."
" Uh, you might not want to do that."
" Why not?"
" Let's say it's rated, R. Kinda an adult comic."
" Oh, I see. OK, but congradulations. Your dream came true."
" Yah, it is. I'm really happy about it."
" That's good. So anything else that I missed. You changed so much since I last saw you."
" I'm uh gunna take that as a compliment so thanks, and uh yah something did happen tonight. Something big actually."
" Oh really? What is it?"
" Uh, Ben proposed. We're getting married. Well we're getting binded."
He looked really shocked, " Oh well uh, um congradulations. Wow, that is huge."
" Yah it is. Actually lots happened around here since then."
" Really like what?"
" Uh, Ted and Emmett got married."
" What?! They got together?"
" Yah, they did."
" Holy shit, I did miss alot. Next thing you're going to tell me is that Brian and Justin are married."
I gave him a look to mess with his mind.
" What? They are?"
I smiled, " No, you know it's not in Brian's nature but they are still together and Brian's actually toned down alot."
" Really? I'm still on Ted and Emmett hooking up. But anyway, how's your mother?"
" Ma? Yah, she's fine. She'll outlive us all. But uh, she met someone and they're living together now."
" Wow, that's wonderful. What's he like?"
" Uh, well his name's Carl and he's a detective. He's nice, I like him so. And Ma's happy so that's all that matters."
" Yah, that's true, well good for her. She bagged herself a cop."
" Yah, so what about you? Any new flames?"
" Uh, yah actually. He's in Austria right now though."
" Ok, well I wanna hear about him. What's he do? What's his name? Where'd you meet? And is he cuter then me?" I laughed off the last question.
He smiled, " Well, his name is Erik, he's a doctor and we met at a conference in Seattle. And no he's not as cute as you." he smiled.
" Well then I approve," I smiled," So why is he in Austria?"
" Doctors without Borders. He's there for another week."
" Oh, how long has he been over there for?"
" Uh, it's been almost seven months now."
" Oh my gawd, how did you survive?"
" Work and spent more time with Hank. It was hard but it's only another week."
" Does he know about Hank?"
He shook his head," No, I didn't want to worry him.I know Hank will wake up before he gets back anyway so."
" Yah, but seven months?" I changed the subject, hopefully I can get him to stop thinking about Hank being in the hospital." Ben was going to go away for six months and I couldn't handle the thought."
" Six months? What does he do anyway?"
" He's a teacher at Carneige."
" Oh really? Well what was he going away for six months for?"
" Uh, well because he has HIV he's kinda into all of that spiritual, buhddist stuff. You know, yoga, meditating, that kinda stuff, and this was right after he got out of the hospital. He wanted to go study with buhddists in Tibet."
" Tibet? Well that's quite far."
" I know. I tried to let him go but I couldn't, he stayed even after I told him to go. He said my mom talked to him. I still don't know what she said to him but I'm glad she did."
" Well, your mom was always good in the encouraging and ass kicking departments. She really knew how to make you think."
" Yah, lucky me hey? Oh and guess what?"
" What?"
" I found my real dad, and he's alive."
" I thought, what?"
" He's a drag queen."
" Wow, now we know where you get your homo genes from."
I laughed, " Yah. So I'm half Italian, half drag queen."
" Well that's a really intersting combination. And I thought I was messed up by being half Jewish, half German. But you win, again." He laughed.
Well at least he wasn't crying anymore, even if it is at my expense I'd rather hear him laugh then cry. " I always win."
" I know, you do." He got really quiet for a few minutes, we kinda just sat there. " Michael, I'm sorry."
" For what?"
" Sending you away. I should have just helped you. I regreted that for along time."
I put my hand on his leg." It's ok."
" No, it's not. When things got tough I pushed you away. I pushed too hard. Usually I'm very reasonable but I don't know. I'm sorry."
I gave him a sympathatic smile, " David it's ok. That was four years ago. We've both grown up since then."
" I know, but.... this may not be exactly the right time to say this but, I'll always love you Michael."
" Well, you know what? I'll always love you too. And it's ok to say it. Ben taught me that. He caught me at my lowest. When I found out that him and Brian slept together I became really jealous. And not because Brian slept with him."
" Wait a minute, Brian slept with Ben?"
" Yah, oh but before we met. It was a couple years before at a white party."
" Oh. So Ben knew about your love for Brian?"
" Yah, like everyone else in Pittsburgh. But he told me that it's ok to love him because we both had people that we loved in the past and that didn't mean that we couldn't love each other."
" He's pretty deep isn't he?"
" Yah, he's really in touch with who he is. He's also really smart. What about Erik?"
" Well Erik is smart too but not in that way, more in you know medical and science stuff, and he's not really into that kind of spirtual stuff. He's more like me."
" What? Realistic. What you see is what you get?"
He smiled, " Yah, something like that. I thought that's how you were too."
" I was, Ben really made me think you know. Like this one time we went to the park during this huge meteor shower and he told me about Orian and his belt. The stories behind parts of the universe. I learned alot from him, and I just keep on learning."
" Well, that's good, I'm glad you found someone who could do that for you."
" Well same here, I'm happy for you. That you found someone that you can have an actual intellectual conversation with."
" We had intellectual conversations. You make yourself think you're alot dumber then you actually are."
" Yah, what conversations did we have that were intellectually on your level?"
" Well, I'm not going to name all of them, there were a few not so smart conversations about who knows but you can't always have conversations about politics and the world. We had fun, didn't we? Like that time in Paris?"
" Yah, I can't believe I let you bring me there. I had so much fun. Ok, what about the time we went cross country skiing in town during that heavy snowfall, we were the only ones. People just stared, but it was so much fun being an idiot with you."
" Thanks."
" Oh yah, it was your idea. But it was fun."
We went on talking through the night about our life now and our partners, our past with each other right until the sun came up.
Ben:
After I got off the phone with Michael I stayed up for awhile worrying about him then finally fell asleep. I woke up at ten thirty giving me enough time to shower and get ready. I was ready and checked out of the hotel by eleven. I still had an hour before I was supposed to meet David and Michael at the Diner so I drove around for awhile. I turned the radio on and found a station I was content with and continued to drive around. I was beginning to turn into Michael, worrying all the time. I was surprised I got any sleep last night. I knew how much David and Hank had meant to Michael and having all of this shoved at him, it wasn't easy to take. I just hope Michael had David calmed down. But Michael had this thing about him, it was genuine, something not everyone had. It was in his face, in his smile, his voice, it just made you believe that everything would be ok, he got me out of alot of rough times. Although he wasn't hurting at the same time as I was. He'll get through this, it's amazing how strong he is. He's ten times more stronger then I am. He's been through so much in his life, I guess he's just learnt that it'll get better. I was way across town at quarter to so I turned around and started to head back to town. My cell went off by the time I parked the car. It was already twelve thirty so I knew it was Michael. I answered.
" Michael, I'm here. I just parked outside." I got out as I kept talking. " Yes, just look out the window." As I was walking to the Diner door I saw him turn around and spot me. I walked in and hung up. Michael closed his cell.
" Hey, what took you so long?"
" I went for drive and was way across town. Sorry." I sat down beside him and David was on the other side of the booth. " So, how are you?" I asked David polietly.
" I'm better, thanks. And I heard the good news, congradulations on the engagement."
" Oh, thank-you."
" I thought that we could drive David over to the hospital and then the airport. We already ordered his ticket back."
" You're leaving already?"
" Yah, Michael got me thinking. I should be with Hank when he wakes up."
" Ok, do you wanna go now, or eat first?"
" Well, my flight's at four so it doesn't matter, we can do either."
" We're already here we might as well eat first." Michael said.
" Ok." David agreed.
After we finished eating we hopped in the car and I drove David over to the hospital. I parked right outside the doors.
" Do you want me to go in with you?" Michael asked him.
" No, it's ok. I'll be right back." He hopped out of the car and I shut the car off and looked at Michael.
" What?"
" Well, what did you say to him? What made him change his mind?"
" I told him our story. The way that I felt when I didn't think you'd make it. When I thought you were..... and how I felt when you were better and everything was fine. I hope you don't mind."
" No, well I was right."
" About?"
" That you were the best person I ever met, the kindest, the sweetest, and the cutest."
" Oh really? And when did you come to this conclusion?"
" After I got off the phone with you last night. You're stronger then you know."
" Yah, well I wouldn't be as strong as I am if it wasn't for you."
" I doubt that. I heard some stories before you even knew me."
" Such as?"
" The way you stayed with Brian after Justin got bashed. You stayed with him all that time and never quit believing things were going to be ok. That's being amazingly strong. And when Ted met Blake and Ted ended up in the hospital, you never thought once that he wasn't going to be ok. What do you think that is?"
" Ok ok, I get you. I'm strong. I just hope David can stay that way."
" Well, I think you taught him well. As long as he knows to think positively and to breathe."
" Yah, I agree, breatheing is important." I smiled at him. " Thank-you, Ben."
" What for?"
" For letting me do this. I mean this all happened right after our engagement. It wasn't exactly a good time. And you were so supportive about it all, I love you for that."
" Yah, well I understand what he's going through. I never told you this but this is the way my dad died. I was 8, I never thought that a sleep could kill you. After he died I couldn't sleep for days, I was scared to. My mom had to hide these pills in my food to make me sleep. It hurt so bad, knowing that I'd never see him again and all because he fell asleep. I never figured it out till I was 9. A year. It took me a year to understand. Then when my mom married Neil it kinda went away, he understood what I was going through and tried his best to comfort me. I'll never forget my real dad but Neil was really supportive."
" Wow, I didn't know that. I'm really sorry Ben."
" Nah, you didn't do it. I'm ok and so will David and Hank. Unlike my dad, Hank will wake up."
" I hope your right." I could see him trying to hold back tears." I......."
" I know baby, I know." I grabbed him and held him close to me. I like being the one here to protect him, but I also hate knowing that there are things out there that could harm him. He looked up at me and kissed me.
" I'm ok." He breathed deep. " I can't be a wreck when David gets back. How supportive would that be? There's always time to fall apart later."
" Yah, and you know I'll be there for you."
He smiled, " I do." He smiled again. " Those are gunna be my two favorite words."
I smiled back at him. " Well, I hope so."
At that time David had come back and hopped in the backseat.
" I hope I didn't interupt something."
" No, it's ok. Well let's get you to the airport. It's already three thirty."
" Ok. And thanks for all of this. I dont think I could have done this by myself."
I started the car and began to drive to the airport.
" It's no problem. I'm glad you came." Michael said as he turned around to face him.
The rest of the way there was quiet, in almost a calm tranquillity.
Michael:
Once Ben parked in the airport parking lot the three of us went in and went with David to the gate.
" Well, they're boarding. Thanks again. I can't show you how much I'm grateful."
" No problem. I want you to call or email me when he wakes up ok?"
He nodded, " Of course, but it might be easier if I didn't tell him."
" Of course. Come here." I hugged him tight." Remember, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always here." I let go of him.
" I know, Michael. Thanks. And thank-you Ben for letting me steal your finacee away from you, especially last night."
" It's alright, I think you needed him more then I did last night. We would have ended up at Woody's or something anyway."
I playfully slapped him, then shrugged, " It's true" I smiled." Well have a safe flight. I hope you and Hank and Erik are happy."
" Thanks, and I hope that you two are happy as well. It was really nice meeting you Ben."
" Same here." Ben shook his hand with care then gripped it. " You need anything you give us a call." He let go.
" Will do. I better go, good bye Michael. Ben."
" Good bye David." I smiled at him. At least this good bye was pleasant.
He smiled then walked away. I pray to whoevers listening that Hank pulls out of this and the three of them end up happily ever after. Then maybe I can worry about my own happiness.
" Well let's go home." I grabbed Ben's hand and we walked out. Maybe we can tell people about our engagement. Brian will shit his pants. Once we got to the apartment we sat on the couch and talked.
" Are you ok?"
" Uh, yah."
"Are you sure? Are you ready to move on past this or do you need some time. We don't need to get married right away."
I exhaled deeply, I knew what he meant. " I'm not sure yet. I don't think I'll be able to think about it at least till I know how Hank is."
" That's fine, there's no need to rush. We don't even need to tell anybody yet."
" Doesn't Emmett already know though?"
" Yah, but we'll just tell him not to say anything."
" Emmett? Not tell a secret? Who are you trying to fool?"
" Ok, well he doesn't know I proposed yet, he only knows I was thinking about it. Just take off the ring and no one will know."
I played with the ring, I didn't want nobody to know. I was happy that this was going to happen. I wanted the whole world to know. But I'll settle for Liberty Avenue." No, who cares, let's tell them, we'll just say we want to wait till summer for a outdoor wedding. Which would be nice."
He smiled, " Are you sure?"
I nodded, " Yah, I'm sure. I want the whole world to know. I'm proud of you, and I love you. Why wouldn't I want people to know you're all mine? Maybe finally get all of those guys off of you."
He lightly chuckled, I love that chuckle, " Ok, let's do it but I still don't think that'll keep all of the guys off of me. People like married men, more of a rush."
I cocked an eyebrow at him, " Oh really? Well I guess I'll just have to fight them all off."
" You? Fight? All of them? No, there's too many. I'll hire a couple bodyguards." He smiled.
I playfully slapped him, " So you don't think I can take them huh? Well if I can pin you I can pin them."
" You? Pin me? No way. You'd hurt yourself."
" Really?" I jumped on him put my knees on his legs and my hands on his wrists. " Told you."
He tried to struggle free but couldn't, " Ok, you proved your point, I'll only hire one bodyguard."
I kissed him hard and deep while still on him. " I really don't think that's neccessary. Do you?"
He shook his head, got his arms free grabbed my head and pulled me into a powerful kiss. " I think it's time to celebrate though, don't you?"
I nodded, I let him sit up but I kept my balance on his legs. He lifted my shirt up over my head and kissed all around my nipples finally landing on them and sucking. I moaned, stopped him and lifted his shirt off. I loved his chest. It was so hard and toned, rippled abs and fun to lick inbetween them. As we kissed I felt his hands go down my back and then find their way to my belt. I put my hands through Ben's hair as he undid my pants, I began to kiss his neck as he laid me down on the couch slowly covering my body with his. I explored his back with my hands as I felt his pull down my pants as he kissed my chest. When we celebrate, we celebrate. We ended up making love all night.
End of "Was It Something I Said???" by Badly Drawn Girl (teddies4_ever_24@hotmail.com)