Winter has arrived.
Its bitter chill spreads rapidly as my master's soft sobs and whispered curses intermittently disturb the quiet in these rooms which I am tasked to look after and protect. My master Benjamin has been trying for hours to sink into the oblivion of sleep, but he is failing miserably.
It is because of him, that delicate, frightened beauty who came tonight. He is gone, perhaps forever, if I am to suppose from the tears that have been shed, both his and the master's.
I had so much hope for that one. He with his big heart and dark eyes. He who had given Benjamin back his smile again and stoked his will to live. Only to take it all away as he took his leave.
I want to grieve for my master but I can not, I will not. For it is said that every leaf that falls has a reason. And in time, we will all know the reason why...
He is with someone.
I should not have been surprised for there have been others before, on nights such as this. My surprise is born from the fact that this someone is no stranger to me. I have seen him one or twice, this Michael as he is fondly called by the master. And from what I can surmise of my master's actions and feelings, this new one - this strange dichotomy of hope and despair, of courage and fear, of love and regret - is quite unlike any one I or Benjamin has ever seen.
Happiness radiates from my master as he bestows upon his visitor a smile. These have been such rare blossoms for a number of years that I should have been suspicious as to the reason why they have been flowering profusely these days.
It appears that the gift of a few nights ago -- a book created from the tumultuous journey his life has taken him - has been accepted by Michael, along with the announcement of the wretched disease that plagued Benjamin. And my master revels in the gift that was Michael's decision.
The earthy musk of desire spreads and the fragile tendrils of love begin to take root in this very room. And they continue their exploration, discovering the vast territory of each other's bodies. Until Michael stops to look at my master. His chest heaving, his skin flushed, he whispers ever so softly.
Then one sweet, lingering kiss before Michael stands up and walks into the nearby room, leaving my master to take off the reminder of his garments. Naked, he follows his mate...For a while, I hear nothing, I feel nothing. And then...
Regret, like a cold wind that stretches its icy fingers, a harbinger of disaster...
Despair, a vicious frost that sweeps across the land, tainting everything it touches...
Fear, as unforgiving as the hail that brings instant death to a fledgling flower...
As he walked to his sleeping quarters, I caught a glimpse of his face. It was impassive, stoic, unfeeling. But I could feel what was seething underneath. Emotions that Benjamin had been so successful in controlling, were now taking control of him.
He slammed the door shut and he stayed closeted within, even as Michael moved to leave. Now fully clothed but seemingly naked and vulnerable in his grief. With one last glance in the direction of my master's chambers, he pulled the door closed behind him with barely a sound.
But I could hear it echoing loud and deep within Benjamin's heart.
But his slumber is restless and riddled with dreams. Dreams of love and regret, of courage and fear, of hope and despair. I could wish it all away but I know, he will live through this. Just as he has lived through the darkness that slowly poisons his blood.
But for now, in the dead of winter, he dies again and again.
It is because he still bleeds from wounds that have been inflicted not too long ago.
In the span of 16 days, three strangers have set foot inside this house. Entrancing creatures, the one more beautiful that the last. Certainly more beautiful than he whose name has been locked away in the cold confines of Benjamin's mind but one who flies free in the melancholy kingdom of night.
But I pity these men who pay Benjamin homage. He loves them with his body. But never with his mind, his heart, his soul. For all their beauty, they simply cannot compare to the magnificence of deep, dark brown eyes that still holds him in thrall. Even now, as he kisses them, as he caresses them, as he makes love with them...
Benjamin dreams of him.
He has come back to my master.
With him comes regret. For hurting Benjamin. Of causing more hurt to someone as scarred and vulnerable as he...
Fear. But unlike before, it is not of my master or what lies dormant within. He fears that my master may have found someone nobler and more worthy...
Despair. He is consumed by the thought that it is due to his own ineptitude, he has perhaps forever lost my master...
He persists, even in the face of Benjamin's indifference. But as he tries to catch hold of my elusive master, he falters. His courage fails him for a moment, this fragile, beautiful creature barely held together by his faith and love.
Yes, love. Michael does indeed love him. As he rubs my rounded belly, I see his dark eyes are on fire, the rich color of soil as the morning sun washes over its expanse.
This is made from the same flame that burns behind Benjamin's eyes. Which he tries almost successful to tamp, to extinguish. He is willful and proud, despite his seemingly tranquil nature. But in truth, he is scared as well. Fearful of the power this other man wields over him. He has once allowed Michael to burrow within him, under his skin, inside his heart, and Michael hurt him. He can not allow him to do so again.
So he rejects a kiss as well as the professed entreaties and hopes for the future. He needs more than just flowery words of love and commitment, this master of mine.
Michael leaves but issues a final promise.
In which I have so much faith. And he may not realize it, but so does Benjamin.
How easily it leaves his lips now. Without anything to hinder it, it is like rain that nourishes the soil. A ray of light that gilds every petal. A breeze that dances with the stems and leaves. Benjamin's smiles are beginning to bloom once again.
And tonight, he says it again. Over and over again, as they learn the heights of joy, the depths of passion, the breadth of their love.
With each kiss...
each caress...
each breath...
each sigh...
I hear the cracking of ice, the hiss of melting snow, the cry of the land being reborn.
Spring is now upon us.