Dedicated to the One I Love

by Jannine

"Ben?"

"Hang on Michael; I just have to finish this sentence..."

Michael sulkily crossed his arms across his chest and pouted; he hated when Ben was so wrapped up in his writing that he couldn't take his eyes of his computer screen. But on the other hand, Michael hadn't seen Ben this happy in such a long time and he knew it was because Ben's creative streak was flowing and that he was doing good work; work that he was proud of; work that he would share with Michael eventually, when he deemed it good enough.

"Sorry baby... What is it?"

Michael uncrossed his arms and said "I was asking if you want me to cook tonight or do you want to go out or maybe order in? You haven't really eaten all day; I want you to have a good dinner."

"Well that leaves your cooking out of the equation then!" Ben smiled cheekily.

"Very funny... Mr Comic Man... Ha Ha Ha! So... order in or go out, what's it to be?"

"Well what do you want to do? Do you have a preference?"

"Ben, I don't want to go out if you're going to sit there and be thinking about your book and itching to get back here... So you tell me."

Ben smiled sheepishly, "I guess you're right... it may be better if we order in. Come here."

Ben turned away from the computer and Michael moved in between Ben's outstretched legs.

Ben wrapped his strong arms around Michael's torso and drew him in closer. "I'm sorry I've been neglecting you, you know how I get... but I don't mean to shut you out."

Michael smiled down into the shiny crystal blue eyes that were wide with excitement and said "I know... and I know this book is all-consuming and I don't want to drag you away but I also want you to look after yourself. When you announced that you were taking a semester off teaching to concentrate on your writing, I didn't know that that meant you would be chained to this thing 24/7 for those 3 months! I admire your dedication honey, but you need to take better care of yourself."

Ben drew Michael in for a kiss and said "I love you for caring about me and you're right, I will try, I promise."

Michael kissed Ben softly and then hugged him tightly and said "I do love you and I don't want to nag but you have to do more than try, okay?"

Ben nodded in agreement and hugged Michael back.

So, it was settled -- Michael ordered Thai food in.

When the food arrived about 45 minutes later Ben was again all-consumed by his writing. Michael set the table. He got some glasses out and poured some wine. He took the plates out, as noisily as he could without breaking them and without missing a beat Ben smiled and said "I'm coming... I can take a hint!"

They sat down to eat.

Over the next 3 weeks or so Michael sat by and watched Ben grow more restless as his book neared the finish line. To Ben's credit, he had given Michael as much as time as he could and Michael wasn't feeling particularly neglected of late. He had spent time with his friends and with his mother and he had given Ben the space he needed to throw himself into the final chapters. Michael knew from past experience that Ben was always very edgy when a project was nearing completion, like he had to let go of something he wasn't quite ready to set free yet.

Some nights Ben would fall into bed emotionally spent from pouring himself into his writing; other nights he would be on such a high that he would ravish Michael for hours and then still be looking for more and yet other nights Michael would sense him tossing and turning, not able to settle. These were the nights Michael didn't like, the nights where he would find Ben slumped over his computer at 3.00 in the morning, agonising over a sentence that he wasn't happy with. These were the nights Michael worried the most.

One particular evening Ben and Michael were at Brian and Justin's for dinner and planning on hitting the clubs afterward when Ben suddenly sprang to his feet, kissed Michael roughly on or near the mouth and said "I'm sorry baby, you go on without me... I have to get this done... It just hit me!"

"Ben, don't do this... not now, not tonight."

"Michael, I'm sorry, but this is it... the final chapter. It just hit me like a tonne of bricks."

Brian smirked and rolled his eyes at Justin, but Justin was an artist too and he knew where Ben was coming from. He smiled at Ben but showed a softer sympathetic smile to Michael as he watched Ben rush to the door. Ben barely apologised and threw a wave of his hand as the door closed behind him.

When Michael didn't say anything, Brian said "Oh well, that leaves the three of us I guess; don't worry Mikey, the Professor will probably come by the club later."

"Yeah sure he will. Come on let's get out of here."

Michael threw down what was left of his wine and grabbed his jacket. As much as he didn't feel like going out, he didn't want to go home either and sit and stare at Ben's back as he pecked away at the keyboard, screwing his eyes up, rubbing his temples, tousling his hair, rubbing his hands down his thighs, wringing his tired fingers out. Michael had painstakingly watched his routine night after night for many weeks now; tonight he needed a change of pace.

Michael left with Brian and Justin and met up with Emmet and Ted at the club. Michael headed for the bar.

Ben got up and did a lap of the living room; he stopped by the computer and stared at the blank screen. Why was this so hard for him?

He threw his head back and stretched his lean frame to loosen himself up and sat back at the keyboard but nothing happened.

He sipped his now cold coffee and momentarily thought of digging out a stale cigarette from somewhere to get his mind ticking over. He looked at the clock over the mantle and was surprised to see that it was 1.35am. Where was Michael?

Ben got up again and began pacing; he couldn't believe this was so hard. He just assumed it would come so easily, he assumed he'd know exactly what he wanted to say at this time but the words just weren't coming.

When Michael came in at 2.45, he was very surprised to see Ben sitting at his computer. He felt for sure Ben would be well and truly asleep by this hour; after all, he had paced half the night before away trying to finish the last chapter. Given that Ben just had to leave Brian's 5 hours ago, he assumed Ben would have done what he needed, be finished with the chapter and put it to bed so to speak, but no, here he was -- wringing his fingers, rubbing his temples and screwing up his eyes.

Michael said wearily "I'm going to bed."

Ben wasn't oblivious to the tone of Michael's annoyance but he didn't acknowledge it. "Good night then."

Michael undressed; leaving his clothes in a pile by the bed, only because he knew it annoyed Ben. He threw back the covers and climbed in; the liquor he had consumed this evening was making its way to his thumping head and he knew he needed sleep. He knew more certainly that a hangover awaited him in a few short hours.

Michael awoke at 7.45 and was more angry than surprised to not find Ben lying beside him.

He used the bathroom and pulled on his robe. He threw some cold water on his face and made his way out to the living room. He smelled fresh coffee and for that split second, he was happy in the notion that at least Ben had done that chore.

He didn't see Ben immediately; Ben was standing by the patio windows and staring out at the morning sky. The billowing clouds made for an awesome sight, with the sun peaking through and the grey starting to lift.

"Good morning."

Michael's throat was sore and dry from too much alcohol, not enough sleep, too much yelling at the club and not enough water during the night. He said scratchily "Morning."

"How was your night?"

"The usual."

Michael's brief responses were enough to let Ben know that he was pissed at him. He took a few tentative steps toward Michael and said "I'm sorry for baling on you guys last night and I'm sorry I didn't catch up with you at the club... I..."

"Yeah, I know, you had to do your last chapter!"

"Well yeah, I did... but that didn't take long. I actually banged that out in an hour or so."

Now Michael was even more annoyed. "So what did you do for the rest of the night? Have you even been to bed at all?"

"Ah, no... not yet. I had trouble with something... it was driving me insane!"

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

Ben couldn't help but smile at Michael's sarcastic tone.

"Can I get you some coffee?"

Michael nodded and sat clumsily on the sofa. He looked over at the neat stack of paper on Ben's desk and stated "So you finished it, you printed it and now you're going to courier it to your publisher? Is it really over?"

Ben stirred the cup in his hand and said "Yep, it's really over. You have me back."

Michael just looked at him; he wasn't sure how to react. He didn't want Ben to get off that lightly, but he knew Ben would be feeling emotionally spent right now and he didn't want to add to his stresses.

"Well I'm glad that you got it done; I know it was hard but you did it Ben, you really did it."

Ben handed him the cup and said "Thanks baby. I know how hard it was for you too; I know you've heard that before and I know I let you down more times than not over these past months, but it really is over now."

"Mm, until the next time."

Ben smiled "Well I wish I could be certain there will be a next time... we'll see."

"Ben, your publisher loved your second and third books and this will be no exception."

"But it has been 2 years in the making; 2 whole years since my last book. I know Garry was pleased with the draft but he has been itching to get his hands on the finished product and I don't want to see him disappointed."

Michael smiled "Ben, you need to be happy with your own work... your publisher will do what he needs to do, that's his job. You can't disappoint someone if you've done 100% all you can do and you and I both know you have."

"Thank you Michael... Can I show you something?"

Michael sipped his hot coffee and said "Does it require me using my brain? I'm not sure its functioning yet."

Ben laughed, "Well it might have to wait then. I'll go take a shower; you rest. It's on my desk if and when you feel up to it."

Michael sluggishly rose from the couch and stretched, his head was feeling slightly clearer than it had 10 minutes ago. He proposed to make more coffee, surely that would help.

As he passed Ben's desk on the way to the kitchen he saw a yellow paper with the heading "Dedicated to the one I love". He smiled at the title; the old song swam through his foggy mind and he hummed out loud.

He picked up the paper and perched on the side of Ben's desk.

Michael brushed away a tear and felt his throat close over slightly.

He entered the bathroom and found Ben drying off in the bathroom. He stood in the doorway and said "Your dedication is almost as long as the book."

Ben laughed, "I thought that too.... But I couldn't stop... I just had so much to say."

"Well you said it beautifully. Thank you."

"I mean every word Michael, every syllable. You are my life; I couldn't have done this without you."

They drew together and Michael drank in Ben's damp aroma and it quickly became apparent that one of them was clothed in way too much material. The robe disappeared quickly and the crumpled bed covers were quickly enveloping their bodies.

As Michael climaxed with everything in him, he took Ben's mouth with his, kissed him deeply and said "And I dedicate that to the one I love...."