Finding Yourself in the Wilderness

I love you as much as I did the minute before this all happened and I'll love you just as much in 60 seconds from now.

"Yes, for the 20th time... there are 2 tents. Ben and I will be in one and you will have one to yourself!"

"Dude, I've lived on the streets, slept in gutters, in cardboard boxes, eaten out of trashcans... what can I say? I've adapted to a cushy lifestyle!"

Michael laughed "Well I'm glad that you're comfortable living here with us and that you enjoy your new 'lifestyle' but Hunter, camping is amazing. Trust me; you'll have a wonderful time."

"Please spare me all the 'communing with nature' bullshit! Ben has filled my head with all that baloney, and I can't take it anymore!"

"Okay... I won't say that; but honestly, sleeping out under the huge night sky -- being able to see the stars... there is nothing like it Hunter. Ben and I have been to this spot every year for the past 4 years and it's magical, it really is. There is a crystal blue stream, amazing views and so many trails to discover -- you can't help but enjoy it!"

"Well its time you made your own adventures. Now help me get this stuff into the car."

Michael and Hunter packed up the jeep and Michael did one last sweep of the house to make sure nothing important had been left behind.

"Well funnily enough, son, there is a lot more you'll need where we're going and an Ipod just won't cut it! Besides, Ben will fry my ass if I forget anything."

Michael pulled the jeep into the kerb and they waited for Ben to emerge from school. They didn't have to wait long.

He and Michael kissed briefly and Michael said "One of us is more ready than the other -- but he has promised to put his Ipod away long enough to actually have a decent conversation with us, maybe."

Ben squeezed Michael's thigh to reassure him that his idea of a weekend away camping would be good for them as a family unit.

They stopped on the outskirts of town to fill the jeep with gas and Hunter took the opportunity to stock up on crisps, chocolate and coke. He knew Ben would be pushing nuts and berries and all that 'good stuff' at every opportunity, so his tent was going to be a personal healthy-free, junk zone.

Once out of the city and out on the open roads Ben turned back to Hunter and motioned for him to take out his earpieces, which Hunter did, reluctantly.

"Come on pal, this weekend is supposed to be about you, about us, about us as a family. I'd actually like to talk to you."

"I just don't know why you had to drag me along; wouldn't you two have preferred a fuck-fest away in the woods on your own?"

"As 'romantic' as you made that sound... No, I really wanted us to do this as a family Hunter. When was the last time the 3 of us sat down and just talked?"

Ben smiled, trying to stay patient; "Yes, but I mean really talk. When Michael and I come out here, we talk about our dreams, our inspirations, our goals... we really just let go of all the stress and we..."

Michael caught the look on Hunter's face in his rear-view mirror and said "Ben, I promised Hunter that you'd ease up on the spiritual side of the journey... I thought perhaps this time around we could make it more fun, lighten it up a bit."

Ben nodded, "Yep, I get that... Okay, that's fine. We can all enjoy this weekend however we want; I won't steamroll or push you pal, I promise. No pressure here."

Ben had hoped that Hunter would be a little more enthusiastic about this trip; he wanted him to feel free in being able to talk to them about everything and anything. He hoped that being out in the open-air and having nothing but time and space would enable him to be able to open up and just talk freely. Michael tried to tell Ben that not everyone was capable of doing that; and with Hunter, he had a lifetime of not being able to voice his thoughts and emotions, so it was harder for him than most to open up. He told Ben it was a slow process and that gradually Hunter would learn to trust them enough to open up. He didn't want Ben to be disappointed if it didn't happen; but more importantly, he didn't want Hunter to feel pressured into something he wasn't ready for. He knew Ben meant well, but his 'style' of communication and becoming 'one with nature' had to take a back seat to whatever made Hunter comfortable, that was most important this weekend.

After a long silence on the road Ben got excited as Michael slowed the car down; Hunter sat up in the back and said "Are we there?"

Michael "Do you really have to drag everything down to that level? No... on our first trip out here to Rayne Lookout, Ben and I saw this bird on the road... we thought it might be injured so we stopped. It turned out it was a duck and she had babies... She wanted to lead them across the road and it seemed like she was testing the waters... so to speak. So Ben and I helped her. Ben held off 3 cars while the duck got across safely with her ducklings and I happened to see one last straggler and I scooped it up and ran over there with it... and I reunited it with its mom. She led them to that tree, it was just so sweet."

Ben half-smiled at Michael; it was a nice memory for them but obviously their teenage son didn't find it half as interesting or touching. Michael drove on.

When they arrived at their spot, Michael and Ben got out and Michael stretched with an exhilarating intake of fresh air that actually made him giddy for a moment or two. Ben took a look around at 'their' place; it was still as beautiful as ever. It was beginning to get dark already but he could see that the stream was still as clear as he remembered it. On their first trip there Michael had told Ben that the stream reminded him of Ben's eyes. Ben smiled at the memory.

As though Hunter just now realised the car had stopped and that they had actually arrived, he lazily stumbled from the car and took a quick glance around. He commented "So, this is it huh?"

Ben joined Michael on his side of the jeep and said happily "Yep, this is it! Isn't it breathtaking?"

Hunter's response lacked a little enthusiasm, "Yep, trees, grass, water, hills and look, more trees."

Michael was growing a little tired of Hunter's obvious resistance to even trying to enjoy this experience and he remarked cattily "Well what did you expect, a 7-11 and a Blockbuster?"

Hunter pulled a face at Michael and then walked away toward the stream. Ben opened the back of the jeep and said "Not so fast there pal, we need to get our camp set up. It's going to be dark pretty soon and it's all hands on deck!"

The night sky had well and truly cast a shadow over the campsite by the time the guys sat down to their first meal. Michael had prepared some cold cuts and salad with buns and even Hunter was surprised that they were eating so heartily, given that he thought he'd be spending the whole weekend eating berries and nuts and things off the ground! Even he couldn't complain about the dinner fare; although he was somewhat miffed that Ben and Michael wouldn't allow him to partake in a cold beer with them. Thank goodness he stocked up on coke for the trip.

They prepared a pit for a fire but the night air was quite mild so they didn't feel the need to light the fire tonight. They would have an early night after their long drive and hopefully hit the hills at first light, something Hunter was not really looking forward to. On weekends, he usually managed to stay in bed until at least noon.

With night sounds of insects buzzing and far away calls of other creatures, it seemed almost inappropriate to talk, to break the mystical silence of the forest. But it was Hunter who sent his voice bouncing off the nearest tree, "Well, if it's okay with you two, I'm gonna head off to my tent! If you really expect me to be up with the birds in the morning, I better get in there now."

Michael smiled "Okay Hunter... just remember, we're only across there, so if you need us for anything, just holler."

Hunter sniggered, "I think you guys better remember I'm just over here... and if wanna get loud... just remember the coyotes!"

Ben ignored the dig and said "We'll see you bright and early pal. Have a good sleep."

Michael and Ben tidied up the campsite and decided to head off to bed as well. They climbed into their sleeping bags and snuggled intimately. Michael rested his head against Ben's chest and softly ran his fingers subconsciously across the hard mounds, periodically stopping to caress the light tan nipples that he knew from experience were very easy to arouse. Ben's fingers toyed with Michael's hair and as they lay in the dark, Ben said "He really isn't enjoying this, is he?"

Michael sighed "Who knows. Sometimes I think he just resists us to piss us off; sometimes I think he just doesn't know how to appear as though he's enjoying something, but mostly I'm not sure he can let himself enjoy things like this."

Ben agreed, "Like he's scared to let himself enjoy something; because if he does, it might turn on him."

"Yeah, that's exactly it. I think he's been hurt so many times in the past, that it scares him to put himself out there."

"Yeah, but we have to make sure that he knows that it's okay for him to open up, to let his guard down."

Ben's fingers caressed the back of Michael's neck tenderly and he said "It will take some effort on our part, but I think he'll learn to trust us in time. You're great with him, you know that?"

Michael rested his chin on Ben's shoulder and looked in the dark to where he supposed Ben's face was "you think so, really? I don't think I have enough patience with him, I'm always snapping at him. You, you're so laid back, so gentle with him and so understanding."

Ben, catching the outline of Michael's face in the moonlit tent, held Michael's chin gently and said "We're both giving him what he needs, 2 people who care about him and want only the best for him. People who can show him love. It doesn't matter how we deliver it baby, if its there, he'll accept it and he'll thrive on it."

They kissed, their mouths finding one another's on instinct and Michael felt a stirring in his stomach. As though Ben had the same thought, he smiled in the dark and said "We can't... not tonight... but come here, I wanna hold you."

They kissed again and then Ben enveloped his lover in his solid, athletic arms and Michael felt as safe as he ever had in his life.

Hunter awoke the following morning to sounds of pots clanging and happy voices, and then he remembered where he was. He pulled on some jeans and hit his head in the process, "Fuck!"

Michael laughed and said loud enough for Hunter to hear, "Why Ben, I do believe our boy is awake!"

Hunter tottered out of his tent, stubbing his bare toe on a thick branch, "Fuck!"

A sarcastic response saw Hunter retreating to his tent once again to find his sneakers, "No shit!"

When he re-emerged he was at least pleased to smell eggs and bacon cooking. Ben was toasting some bagel-like things over the flames of a small fire; a fire which also held a tall coffee pot. Michael was stirring eggs in a pan over the camp stove and Hunter spied a pile of bacon on a plate keeping warm under some foil.

Hunter pulled at some grass seeds that had taken residence on his jeans and said "I was awake half the night; which one of you snores?"

Ben looked at Michael but neither of them admitted to anything, then Michael said nonchalantly "Must have been a bear or something I guess."

Ben winked at Michael; they would tell him later [much later] that it was Michael who had been snoring because of his allergies acting up.

Michael handed Hunter a plate of food and Hunter's senses came alive, finally something to smile about. "Yes, real bacon... None of that vegetarian rubbish."

Michael handed Ben his 'vegetarian' bacon and egg whites and whole-wheat toast and Ben said "Well some of us enjoy this rubbish and eat it whether we're away camping or not."

Hunter didn't even bother to respond; he hungrily tucked into his food and let out a loud belch.

Michael observed "You know, if you chew -- sometimes the food tastes even better."

Ben poured coffee and handed Hunter some orange juice which he gulped down in one go and then said "So which way are we headed for our hike?"

Ben smiled, happy that Hunter seemed to be looking forward to their hike; "We'll probably head up there. That's the first trail Michael and I ever took -- there are some amazing look-out vantage spots up there."

Hunter nodded, "Yeah, and where do I get my bear repellent from? We have some right?"

Ben looked at him quizzically and then Hunter said sarcastically "Dude, I know it doesn't come in a can like mosquito repellent, but we have something right -- to carry with us. A bat, a loud horn, a gun! Tell me we have something!"

Ben looked over at Michael who was trying really hard to stifle his sniggers. Ben said calmly "Hunter, we have never once seen a bear up here on any of the trails; I think we'll be fine... and besides -- if you came face to face with a 7 foot bear, do you really think a baseball bat or a horn is gonna help?"

Michael couldn't help himself, he let fly with a raucous belly laugh and almost fell off the log he was positioned on. Hunter looked at him with an unyielding smirk and upon realising that his fathers were toying with him, he pouted "You assholes!"

He stormed off to his tent. Ben put his finger to his mouth to tell Michael to hush but Michael couldn't be hushed. He held his side and spluttered "I'm sorry... but I had this image of him running through the woods with a bullhorn and a baseball bat and this fucking bear bounding after him!"

Ben had a quiet chuckle at the vision that Michael had just implanted but then said "Okay, well now we'll be lucky to even get him out that tent, let alone come with us!"

Michael just rolled his eyes; he didn't want this joke turning into some kind of serious issue. They were up in the hills for a good time, for a fun time. He crouched by the zipper of Hunter's dome tent; "Hunter, come on... We're almost ready to leave."

Not quite the response he hoped for, but one he expected nonetheless. "Come on Hunter, it was just a joke -- you can take a joke can't you? We were just having some fun."

Ben joined Michael and said "Hunter, we're sorry. We just thought we'd have a bit of fun... we were just teasing! Come on out pal."

Michael unzipped the tent part of the way, enough to look inside and see Hunter lying on his mattress roll, listening to his music with his eyes closed. He said cynically "So you're really not gonna come hiking with us! Are you serious?"

Ben squeezed Michael's shoulder and shook his head at him; this wasn't the way to handle the situation. "Hunter, we're sorry... you're right -- we had a joke at your expense and we shouldn't have... we..."

Michael stood up "To hell with that! It was a joke Hunter; you've been toying with us ever since we left the freakin' house! So it's okay for you to carry on like a brat but the minute we try and lighten things up, you get all pissy and now you want to sulk! Well fine, stay in there! Ben and I are going hiking."

Michael stormed off and grabbed his hiking boots. Ben looked after him, quite angry at Michael's outburst. This weekend was all about Hunter, what was the point of him getting angry and storming off and leaving Hunter alone at camp. He stood up. Michael looked across at him with his arms folded, not willing to give an inch. Ben read the frustration on Michael's face and he wasn't sure who was acting more sulkily at that moment.

"I'm fine!" said through clenched teeth was enough to deliver to Ben's ears that nothing was going to pull Hunter out of that tent. He said softly "Well we'll be back in a bit... maybe we can talk then, okay?"

Ben got up. He got his boots on and he and Michael walked off in silence, neither of them wanting to divulge their emotions at that given moment.

A few hundred metres along the trail Michael asked a huffy Ben, "Are we going to discuss this or are you going to just surge ahead and ignore me?"

"I want you to tell me why you're so pissy with me! It was his choice to get shitty and shut himself in the tent; why is it my fault that he can't take a joke?"

Ben stopped, spun around and said a little more angrily than he intended, "Because we're the adults here Michael and we're his parents. It's up to us to make him feel safe and secure and able to come to us... all we managed to do is give him more to feel vulnerable about and insecure. This whole weekend was supposed to be about him, about making him feel closer to us!"

"Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit here? Jesus Ben, Hunter has to realise that life is not to be taken so seriously all the time! Since when is a teenage kid unable to find the funny side of a goddamn joke?"

"Since the kid is HIV positive and finds very little to joke about right now! Michael, he's been with us for a relatively short time and he's still not able to trust us completely. With all the shit he has had to deal with in his life, he needs to be able to trust us before he'll open up... and making jokes at his expense is not the way to gain his trust."

"Now you're being ridiculous. Firstly, he never wanted to come here in the first place -- we practically forced him. Secondly, he has been a whinging pain in the ass ever since we left the house and he has been trying to find things to moan about the whole time we've been here. The only time he's happy is when he's eating or listening to his music or getting his own way. Well I'm sorry, but that's not how life works. He's a part of our family and he needs to accept us warts and all! I know he's had a rough life, that's the reason he's living with us now but I'll be damned if I'm going to cater to his every insecurity at the expense of showing him that life can be fun as well!"

Ben stood with his hands on his hips, his pale eyes flaming. He stopped himself from speaking at that moment and Michael wondered what angry statement he was thinking of imparting. After he calmed himself, Ben said "Michael, I know you get frustrated with Hunter and I know that he plays on that but he has come along in leaps and bounds since he came to us and I think he is learning to trust us but I don't think centring on his shortcomings is going to help us reach him."

"So, basically what your saying is that I have no patience and that I need to let him have his own way on everything and that I should pat him on the head and say yes Hunter, no Hunter, whatever you want Hunter -- as long as you feel good, to hell with everyone else?"

The flame rose again and this time Ben didn't censor his speech, "That's not what I'm saying at all! Jesus Michael, you're being so pigheaded about this. I'm just saying that you two clash sometimes and because of that we need to be more mindful of what we say and do and not stifle his emotions when he shows them, like now... he was upset that we made fun of him and instead of letting him vent that, we shut him down and basically said 'get over it kid'... that's what I'm saying here."

"No, what you're saying is that I need to be more mindful of what I'm saying and what I'm doing and that I shouldn't stifle his emotions and that I made fun of him and that I shut him down!"

Michael took off further up the trail. Ben kicked at the ground in frustration and stomped off in the same direction, stating loudly and with annoyance "I don't know which of you is more insecure and bratty!"

Some time later they reached a summit and Michael finally stopped, with Ben falling in not long after. They both looked out at the amazing sight and for a few moments their heated words were forgotten.

Eventually Ben said "I'm heading back to the camp; I need to know that he's okay."

Michael nodded but said nothing. He held Ben's pained eyes with his and Ben just nodded and turned to leave. Within a second or two Michael said "Wait, I'm coming with you."

On returning to camp, Ben was happy to see Hunter's tent zipper open, but there was no sign of him. He called to him but there was no reply. Michael went toward the stream and called out, but nothing. He walked along the banks some way but there was no sign that Hunter had been there at all.

When he got back, Ben said shakily "Some of his gear is gone. His boots, his Ipod and his coat."

Ben thought long and hard and then said "What if it's more than that... what if he left?"

Michael instantly felt a lump form in his throat but then commonsense took over; "Given the way he feels about camping and being out here, do you really think he'd just take off -- I doubt it. He wasn't too jazzed about the possibilities of what creatures could be out there, I don't see him just walking off alone. He'll be back Ben."

Ben walked around aimlessly, not wanting to sit down or relax, not until he knew Hunter was all right. Michael made some strong tea and handed Ben a cup; they had been back for 40 minutes now and still no sign of Hunter. They had tried his cell phone numerous times but they were out of range and no signal was reached.

The more time that passed, Michael noted Ben becoming increasingly more anxious. He too was feeling tense but he was trying to stay focused on the fact that Hunter was just off on a walk, having some time to himself and that there was nothing to worry about; but he sensed that Ben didn't share his views.

When the 2 hour mark came and went Ben started to pace up and down. There was no way he could stand around doing nothing any longer. Michael tried to hand him some more tea but Ben threw the tin cup across the camp into the bushes and Michael was taken aback with his violent outburst; "No more fucking tea Michael! I'm going out to find him. This is ridiculous; he could be anywhere!"

Michael got angry too, "Exactly, he could be anywhere -- so where are you going to start looking? At least if we stay here he will hopefully find his way back to us."

"Hopefully find his way back! And what if he doesn't Michael, what then? You stay here -- I can't stand around here for a minute longer. You can call my cell if he comes back, I should have range."

"Well if you don't hear from me, go higher up and get to a clearing and try calling me; at least I'll know you have a signal."

Ben just nodded in agreement. He went to rush off but Michael stopped him. "At least take a coat and some water Ben and please stick to the trails; I don't need both of you lost out there."

It was quite some time before Michael heard from Ben but when Ben called it was at least a good sign that a cell signal had been established, and if Hunter was trying to call then he'd be able to reach someone.

Ben was upset that Michael didn't have any news for him and Michael was disappointed that Ben hadn't found any clues to Hunter's whereabouts yet. It was getting on for 4.00 and Hunter had been gone for at least 5 to 6 hours that they knew about. Michael could no longer convince himself realistically that Hunter had just gone for a walk to cool off after the heated exchanges earlier this morning. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Hunter but he also knew, more importantly, that Ben would never forgive him. That thought was weighing his heart down as much as the thought of Hunter being out in the woods lost.

Ben had followed 3 trails hoping to find some clue, any clue that Hunter had been down any of them. He studiously looked for footprints, broken branches, and lolly wrappers -- any sign that someone may have wandered along. It was starting to get dark when Michael's phone rang. He desperately wanted it to be Hunter.

"Michael it's me. There is no sign whatsoever on any of these trails that I can find; I just can't see anything!"

"Well you have to head back here Ben; you didn't take a lantern and it will be dark soon. We'll talk about what to do when you get back. I'll light a fire so you can find your way back in if it gets to be too dark."

Ben's short, cold response told Michael all he needed to know; Ben was upset, angry and anxious and now they had a long horrible night ahead of them, waiting desperately to hear from Hunter or at the very least establish a strategy of what to do next.

When Ben returned it was well and truly dark; Michael's fire had provided a good light from a fair distance and that was good too, for Hunter's sake if indeed he came back any time from now.

Michael went to Ben wanting a hug but Ben's body language was not inviting in the least. Michael said quietly "I'm sorry you didn't find him or any sign of where he's at, but I know he's okay, I'm sure of it."

Ben pulled his hiking boots off and said "You can't be sure of that Michael, there is no way to know that. He's out there, alone, with God knows what provisions and its dark and he has no clue where he is! To say that he's okay is ludicrous!"

"I have to believe that okay! I've been telling myself that for the past 7 hours and I have to hold onto that thought."

Ben didn't answer or respond, at that moment he didn't much care to talk to Michael and Michael knew it. He said shakily "I'm sorry Ben; I know you're angry and you're feeling that it's my fault that Hunter is missing... I'd do anything to take back what happened, to take back what I said to him, how I acted -- but I can't. Right now, you and me, we have to talk about this; we have to think about what to do. Do we phone the Police or the Ranger, what?"

The subject wasn't open for discussion as far as Ben was concerned; he took out his cell and immediately phoned the Ranger. He gave details of where they were and reported that their child was missing, had been missing for quite some hours.

The two men sat quietly waiting for assistance to arrive. Michael tended the fire to make it sure stayed burning brightly and Ben made some black coffee; it was going to be a long night.

About 20 minutes later a Ranger vehicle arrived. It was a Ranger they had met a couple of times before. "Hey, I didn't realise it was you guys. I got a report of a couple with a missing kid. How's it going Ben, Michael?"

Ben spoke, "Hey Steve. The report was correct. Michael and I have a foster son and he took off early this morning and we haven't seen him since. We didn't want all kinds of questions, so I made it sound like we were a 'couple' and that our 'child' was missing."

Michael "Our foster son is 17 and we didn't think he was missing at all, until he didn't come back."

Ben said with a tremor in his voice "The 3 of us had a bit of a disagreement this morning and we were all going for a hike but Hunter decided not to come with us so we went ahead without him. We were gone maybe an hour or more and we came back here and he was gone. We haven't seen him since."

Ben nodded yes, "Yeah. Look, we know he's 17... but you have to understand Steve, Hunter is not your average kid. He's from a pretty messy background and he was living on the streets; he's street tough but he's not prepared for something like this."

"Okay, well I'm sure we'll find him. Do you know if he had any supplies with him?"

Michael chirped in "We believe he has a coat, his Ipod and probably his cell. We've tried the number but there is little coverage out here, no signals."

"Yeah, that's always a problem. Okay... I don't suppose you guys have a photo of Hunter with you?"

He handed a small head shot of Hunter to Ranger Steve. "Great. Okay, I'm going back into town and I'll get copies of this made. There won't be a lot we can do tonight; but at first light, if Hunter hasn't come back, we'll put a party out. Don't worry guys, I'm sure he's fine... the weather is good, we're not expecting rain, he has a coat and if he sits tight, I'm sure he'll be safe and sound."

Michael managed a small but tentative smile and said "Thanks Steve. Will you keep in contact?"

"Sure. I'll get this circulated ASAP and I'll get the guys to keep an eye out in town -- you never know, your kid might have hitched a ride in or something... and I'll leave a walkie-talkie here with you so I can reach you. Please don't take off in search of him; we don't need to be looking for more than one person."

He seemed to direct that statement at Ben, sensing how edgy and anxious Ben was over the situation. Ben nodded, "I'll stay put. We'll keep this fire going in case he finds his way back."

"Good man. Okay, I'll be in touch -- and I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much."

Michael got some coffee and sat on a log near the fire, it wasn't that cold but the nervous tingle coursing through his body gave him an intermittent cold shiver. Ben sat on the other side of the fire, the bright flames separating them but the air between them was very palpable.

Ben sipped his now cold coffee and swallowed it with effort. "I just wish I knew he was okay out there."

Michael said cautiously, not wanting to elicit any angry outbursts from Ben, "I feel better now that the Ranger is onto the situation."

Ben sighed "Didn't you hear him; they won't be looking for Hunter until morning -- he still has a long night ahead of him, out there God knows where, on his own."

Ben got up and walked around the camp. Nothing Michael could say was going to allay his fears and worry over Hunter, nothing. He wanted him back with them and he wouldn't rest easy until he was.

It was almost midnight when the guys heard from Ranger Steve. He informed Ben that Hunter's photo had been distributed and people had asked about him in town, but to no avail. They would keep asking. A search party was arranged for first light at 6.00 and he suggested that the guys get a few hours sleep if they could, that there was nothing more that could be done until then.

When Ben switched off the walkie-talkie Michael said "He's right, there isn't much we can do now... we should get some sleep."

Michael said dejectedly "Pushing me away isn't going to bring him home any faster."

Ben said tightly "And neither is your incessant chatter. If you want to go and lie down or sleep or whatever, go. I'm staying right here."

Michael said through stinging eyes "You act as though you're the only one who is upset about this situation; if you took 2 seconds to talk to me maybe you'd realise I'm trying to be there for you. I would hope that we could get each other through this, maybe I was wrong."

Ben sighed "Jesus Michael, I can't do this. My head is pounding, my heart is thumping and I can't relax. I need to know where he is and I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pushing you away, but I can't placate you right now!"

"Nobody asked you to placate me! I'm suggesting that maybe if we talk and comfort one another instead of playing the blame game, then maybe we'll get through this a little easier!"

"Sure you did! Every time you look at me, every time you speak to me. Your eyes are filled with disdain and you can barely speak to me without an edge to your voice. I've apologised for my part in this but I don't think you're looking at the big picture Ben!"

"The picture of a mixed up kid who is still trying to deal with his new surroundings. You pushed him into this weekend away and you knew he wasn't ready for it! He told you so many times that he wasn't up for it but you kept at him -- telling him how wonderful it would be, filling his head with all your spiritual stuff that just left him cold! Maybe if you had listened a bit harder, we wouldn't be going through this right now."

Ben stared Michael down with venom in his tired eyes and Michael saw his real emotion at that very moment; Ben's guilt.

Michael spoke more softly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's not your fault and you're not responsible... I just want you to accept that this happened -- maybe for no reason... who knows! He's a teenage kid for Christ's sake -- he's unpredictable, he's out of his comfort zone. There doesn't have to be some underlying psychological classification to determine what it all means, it might just mean that we still have a long way to go with him."

Ben's stance softened and Michael thought he recognised a look of compassion in Ben's eyes. Finally Ben said softly "You're right... you're right... this is stupid. It was all blown out of proportion and until we speak to Hunter, we won't know what he's thinking or how he's feeling and when we do find out, we'll work together as a family to sort through this, do whatever it takes to fix it."

Michael smiled sweetly at Ben and then slowly opened his arms, hoping Ben would embrace him and accept his gesture of love. Ben did just that. They held one another for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually they huddled by the fire and stayed in one another's arms for the rest of the night, waiting for first light to peak out from the hills.

At first light Ben splashed some cold water from the stream on his face and ran his wet hands through his hair. He pulled on a clean shirt and was startled by a siren type sound coming from the walkie-talkie. It was Ranger Steve.

He informed the guys that the search party had already left and that he would be in touch the very moment anything was found. He asked them to stay by the campsite and to keep the walkie-talkie within reach at all times. He joined the search party.

It seemed like an eternity before the walkie-talkie made another squawking sound; it was Steve again. Ben and Michael huddled close together and the news they had been waiting for was delivered, "Ben, Michael -- I have someone here who would like to say hello."

When Hunter's voice came blaring through the walkie-talkie, Ben burst into tears and Michael's knees faltered. "Hey dudes."

Steve responded, "I'm having him checked by a paramedic but he looks fine. We're about 2 hours from you, so we'll see you soon. Hang tight guys."

The walkie-talkie went dead but both Ben and Michael continued to stare at it, hoping to hear Hunter's voice again, but nothing came. Michael looked up into Ben's blurry damp eyes and they hugged.

The next 2 hours went by in a blur and when Ben first heard the sounds of approaching people, he jumped to his feet, almost knocking Michael over in his haste. He pulled Michael up off the log and they ran to the nearest clearing. The voices were still a little way off but they were definitely heading their way. Eventually Ben spotted Hunter's mop of fair hair through the last clump of shrubs and he darted off, closely followed by Michael.

Hunter practically jumped into Ben's arms as Ben lifted him into a tight bear hug embrace. He set him down and the 3 of them huddled, all 3 now crying.

Ranger Steve looked on with care, his job was done. Michael pulled back and went to Steve. "Thank you so much. We can't thank you enough."

Steve shook his hand and turned to a few of the volunteers that had obviously helped in the search. "We're just glad it all turned out okay. I got your address details from Hunter; I'll send you a copy of the report but I'm sure he'll fill you in."

Michael smiled. Hunter came over. "Thanks, for... well, everything." He hugged Steve and then Ben joined them. "Thank you Steve, for everything you did. Thank you all."

He gestured a round of applause to the volunteers and slowly but surely they retreated; their job was done too. Ben and Michael walked Hunter back into their campsite. Michael got Hunter some cold water and they sat down.

The first thing that came out of Hunter's mouth made Ben and Michael laugh out loud, "You both look like shit!"

A few tears filled Hunter's tired eyes and he said "I'm really sorry I put you through this! All I wanted to do was find you guys yesterday; that's where I was headed... but obviously I took a wrong turn or something!"

"Yeah... I was such an asshole, carrying on the way I did and I felt like a tool, so I went out to find you. I'm really sorry I was such a jerk."

Ben smiled and put his hands to his face, the reality of the situation becoming too much for him to handle. He fought back tears but it didn't work.

Michael touched Ben's knee softly and said "It's been a long 24 hours... we're both exhausted. So... you left here to look for us. Well we were only gone an hour before we turned back to come and see if you were okay and that's when we discovered you gone... but we just assumed you'd gone for a walk so we weren't too worried."

Hunter nodded, understanding that's how it must have looked to them in the beginning. "But I never came back."

Ben picked up the story, "No, you didn't ... and we were frantic. We were imagining all kinds of things."

Hunter swallowed hard, he had no idea that his foster dads would think that of him, that he'd run off on them. He said shakily "Dudes, I wouldn't do that... After everything you've done for me -- I wouldn't just take off like that, without saying anything! Man, I know how much you two worry. I'd never put you through that. Besides, I knew 10 seconds after you left that I was a complete dickhead and I wanted to tell you that but I was worried that I'd let you down and that you wouldn't care anymore."

"Yeah, I do know... now. That's why I took off. Like I said I took a wrong turn but I found some trail and I assumed it was the right one... I ended up near this open field but I couldn't see much."

Then Ben said "That trail is way off to the right, there isn't much out there... Did you keep walking?"

"Um... I did for a bit and then I realised it wasn't headed anywhere so I tried to turn back but by then, I didn't know which way I had gone in... and obviously I took another wrong turn and before I knew it, I was in the middle of fucking nowhere and all I could see was trees. I decided to stay put. I figured if I kept walking I'd end up wherever, and that maybe no one would find me... I think I heard somewhere once that if you're lost, to stay put and wait for help."

Ben "You did good pal, that's exactly what you do! So did you find some shelter for the night?"

"Yeah, there was a ledge, like a rock ledge... I just crawled under there and stayed there. I figured I'd come out when it got light... man, there were so many creepy fucking noises, I don't think I slept a wink!"

Michael smiled "That makes 3 of us! Do you wanna head down to the stream and get cleaned up?"

Ben just nodded. He was just so relieved to have Hunter back safe and sound, he was finding it hard to express himself in words. His heart was so torn; so filled with love and feelings of thanks for having Hunter back, but also feeling a void; a hole left by the angry words that he and Michael had exchanged over the past 24 hours.

Michael handed Hunter some clean clothes as he got cleaned up and he said "Hunter, I just want you to know... Well I want to tell you that I thank God every day that you're with me and Ben and that you're a part of our family."

Hunter looked at Michael and then said "I was an idiot and I don't blame you for yelling at me and taking off, I deserved it!"

"No... you didn't. But you know what, that's what being part of a family is Hunter -- it's about the hard times as well as the good times. We can fight and yell at one another and say all kinds of shit, but it doesn't mean we don't love one another or that we don't care. You have no idea of some of the stuff that Ben and I have said to each other since yesterday!"

"No... and we'll be fine. We were both just scared and worried sick and we took it out on each other but it will be okay. When people love one another they get scared when something goes wrong; we were both scared shitless when we realised something had happened and our heads were filled with fucked up ideas and frustration took its toll, but we're gonna be okay."

Hunter nodded, "I hope so... Michael -- I really want this, to be a family... I just didn't know how much until yesterday."

Michael felt his eyes fill with tears and he took Hunter into a warm embrace. He said softly "Well I want this too, more than anything... and you know what -- being part of a family means you get teased, you get ribbed, you get to tell us to fuck off if we're annoying you or whatever... but you also know that we're not going anywhere. We all have a lot to learn and we can muddle through this together. Okay?"

Hunter nodded and brushed away tears. They eventually headed back to camp. Michael knew Ben would want to talk to Hunter as well, so he made himself scarce. Ben made Hunter some bacon and eggs and toast and poured him a huge glass of juice. Hunter immediately began tucking in.

Ben watched on and smiled with overwhelming glee; his son was back and he was unharmed.

Hunter nodded with his mouth full, "Yeah... we did. I'm really sorry Ben, for making you guys fight."

Ben shook his head, "No pal, that's not your fault. Michael and I, we're a team, a partnership -- when things go wrong, we get caught up in emotion and we say things, we fight... all couples do that. Don't for one minute think that we don't love each other or that it means anything... it really doesn't. We said some things in anger but it was just because we were so upset, so scared... we felt so guilty for our part in your going missing."

Hunter's shoulders dropped, hearing Ben's words made him realise that there was just so much to be thankful for... he had 2 parents who loved him and cared enough about him to actually feel guilty... but really they had nothing to be guilty for.

He said "Ben, you guys didn't do anything. Like Michael said, being in a family means you get to play jokes, get teased -- all that shit! I was just stupid!"

"No, you weren't stupid Hunter... you were vulnerable. You felt like we made fun of you and you took it to heart."

"Yeah but that was stupid! And I'm sorry that I was so whiney... I'm surprised you guys even wanted to look for me!"

Ben smiled "Oh, you'd have to be a whole lot more whiney than that before we'll let you go pal!"

Hunter smiled and nodded and Ben saw in his eyes, the look of a happy teenage kid who was proud as punch that he had 2 dads who cared about him and that they actually wanted him back. There was no other look Ben ever wanted to see more.

When the Novotny-Bruckner family arrived back home Hunter claimed the first hot shower.

Ben and Michael were unpacking. Michael said "He's so happy... he can't wipe the smile of his face."

"Don't... Ben, we both said things out there... but it was just our frustration, our concerns, our worry. I love you as much as I did the minute before this all happened and I'll love you just as much in 60 seconds from now. It's over."

They came together. Ben took Michael into his arms and said "I love you more than life itself..."

They kissed deeply and then held one another for the longest time. Their nightmare was over and it had been replaced by an all-consuming love and an understanding of what it meant to be parents and to be truly in love.

End of "Finding Yourself in the Wilderness"
Jannine: greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au
09/23/2007

back to fiction index page

Finding Yourself in the Wilderness

by Jannine