Heartache and Pressure

How would any of us deal with tragedy and pain? Do we even know, until it happens to us?

Ben touched his husband's cheek softly, "I know baby, I've missed him too. This week is gonna be awesome. All the stuff we have planned... it will be just like old times."

Michael smiled "Yeah, only this time we get to pick the movies, the restaurants and the clubs that we go to!"

"Oh please, you and I both know that's not gonna happen Michael! And you know we will grin and bear it and smile and let him do whatever he wants!"

"Yep, I do know that. I can't believe he's gonna be here for your 40th though, you must be so happy."

"Well I know I said I didn't want a party and all that fuss... but now that I'm celebrating a week early and Hunter can be here, I'm really looking forward to it."

Michael snuggled into Ben's chest and pulled the blankets up higher and said "I'm glad. You deserve to have a wonderful party with your friends and with Hunter... this has been a miserable year all round and we need a great occasion to start afresh. I can't think of any better way to do it."

Ben kissed his husband's shoulder lightly and said "I'm just glad I have you by my side."

Hunter came in carrying the phone. He handed it to Michael, "Some dude... David something.... Cameron I think."

Michael froze. Ben felt Michael's body stiffen under the covers and he could feel his chest thumping against his own.

Hunter threw the phone on the bed when Michael couldn't or wouldn't take it from him. Then Hunter recalled the name; "Oh, is that that old dude you were with before Ben? Cool."

Michael tentatively took the phone from Ben. Hunter left the room, he didn't much care why Michael's former lover was on the phone, and he had more important things to concern himself with, like breakfast.

Finally Michael put the phone to his ear. Ben was gently rubbing his back for moral support. "David?"

David's voice was shaky and he was breathless, there were no polite greetings or explanations of why he had called his ex after 6 years, he said desperately "I need your help Michael! Hank has had a car accident, he's in the hospital and I'm on my way but I can't there for a few hours! You're the only person I know there and trust to do this... They need someone to fill in forms and whatnot at the hospital and give consent for treatment! Michael... will you do this?"

Michael collected his thoughts and steadied his rapid heartbeat, "Of course. Where is Lori?"

"She died Michael, over a year ago... I've given your name to the doctors at the hospital, they're expecting you. I've told them that you're my partner - business partner and close friend and that you have my permission to make any decisions that can't wait until I arrive. Can I count on you to do this for me, well, for Hank?"

Michael wrote down the hospital, the doctor's name etc and he told David he would get to the hospital as soon as he possibly could.

Michael sat on the edge of the bed, taking in everything that had just happened.

Michael managed a soft smile and said "Yeah, I guess. Um... it's Hank -- David's son; he's had some kind of accident, car accident... he's in the hospital."

Ben slipped his hand into Michael's and said "It's okay, you can do this... it will be okay. It's for Hank. You two were close at one time."

"Of course he did; you know you'd be the same if it were Hunter or JR. This is his son!"

Michael thought for a silent moment, "No... you stay here with Hunter. No sense in us both being there. I'll call you when I know anything. I assume I'll only be there a few hours, until David arrives."

Ben nodded. He watched as Michael collected his clothes and headed for the bathroom. He could see that Michael was visibly shaken by the phone call but he also knew that Michael would do this, had to do this, for Hank if nothing else.

Ben poured himself some coffee and said "Ah, David's son is in the hospital -- he had some kind of accident and David can't get here for a few hours... He's asked Michael to go to the hospital."

"Well... he's upset, understandably. He and David's son were close at one time. He obviously still cares about him."

Ben hadn't really stopped to think about how he felt. He shrugged unknowingly and said "I'm not sure. I feel bad for Michael, I feel for Hank and I feel for David too. I know how I'd feel if you were in the hospital... but other than that, I just hope that David's son is okay and that it's nothing too serious."

Ben lifted one eyebrow, showing Hunter a myriad of emotions without uttering a sound.

"I'm just curious. Michael doesn't talk about that guy much or that time in his life... was it a bad break up?"

"Well I'm not really the person to be asking those questions -- but given the circumstances, I'm not really sure this is a good time to be asking Michael either. Just drop it for now huh?"

"No. Thanks. I'll grab one at the hospital; I should just go. I'll call you from the hospital, later."

Ben went to him. "You'll be fine, Hank will be fine and then everything will be fine."

Michael just nodded but took a mental note that Ben didn't mention David. They kissed and hugged and then Michael left.

When Michael arrived at the hospital he asked to speak to a Dr Votnek who had apparently been on duty when Hank was admitted. A nurse paged him and Michael stood off to the side of the nurse's station.

About 10 minutes later a man approached Michael; he was tall, but stocky and greying. He offered his hand to Michael "Mr Novotny?"

"Dr Cameron told me you'd be here, and that you're a close family friend and that you can provide some details if needed?"

Michael wasn't sure what he was supposed to do but he nodded, "Sure, I'll help anyway I can. Is Hank okay?"

Dr Votnek flipped a page on his clipboard and said "Hank has had a series of tests including some x-rays, an MRI and a brain scan to determine what damage has been caused. He took the impact of the crash on the left side of his body; we're ruling out any head trauma or brain damage. He seems aware of his surroundings but he has some degree of concussion. His shoulder was dislocated and depending how that settles after manipulation, he may need corrective surgery. He sprained his left wrist quite badly but we'll do some more x-rays in a couple of days to make sure there are no underlying fractures and he has extensive abrasions to his upper left torso."

"It was a lone car collision; it would appear he lost control of his vehicle and he hit a tree at high speed. The police will have to interview him; they're actually waiting to do that but I've told them he needs rest first. They'll probably wait until Dr Cameron arrives."

Michael followed Dr Votnek down 2 corridors and then into a private ward. Hank was sleeping.

The doctor left Michael there while he checked on some test results. Michael pulled over a chair quietly and sat down. Hank appeared so much older to him; he had been only a 12 year old kid when Michael spent all that time with him and now here he was, an almost 18 year old, driving and attending junior college, he presumed anyway.

Michael and Hank had stayed in contact after he returned from Portland after the break up but within a few months the contact became more seldom, eventually Michael stopped hearing from him altogether. It was hard for Hank to stay friends with Michael, knowing how his father felt about it. David had never told Hank not to communicate with Michael but Hank knew his father disapproved. Somehow David felt a clean break was best for all concerned. He didn't want Hank holding to the notion that he and Michael could remain close given the circumstances; he also knew that when Michael found someone else, keeping in contact with his former lover's son was hardly going to be high on his list of priorities and given that Hank had already been through 2 divorces involving both of his parents and the death of David's first long-term partner Mac, he didn't feel that hanging on to Michael as a surrogate father/big brother figure would do him any good.

Michael was still thinking back on past events when he felt Hank shift in the bed. His eyes fluttered open and he groaned a little. Michael touched his arm lightly, "Hank? Can you hear me? It's Michael."

Michael smiled and stood up so Hank could see him. "What are you doing here? Where am I?"

Hank went quiet. He took in his surroundings and tried to reach for his face and head but he grimaced in pain. Michael gently laid his arm back down and said "You hurt your arm and shoulder, but the doctors are taking care of it. You got banged up pretty bad in the accident Hank... do you remember it?"

He began to tire out, "a fight... the car... a tree..." Then he was asleep again. Michael wondered what all of it meant but he was glad that Hank was resting again.

When the doctor came back in a few minutes later Michael said "He woke up for a minute or two. He knows I'm here but he wasn't sure where he was."

"I'm not sure, I asked him and he said something about a fight, a car and a tree so I guess he's remembering something."

The doctor just nodded. Then he said "Well the x-rays showed a fracture of his left cheek bone and the MRI showed a swelling in the orbital region so we'll have to keep a watch on that. He doesn't require immediate surgery, so hopefully Dr Cameron will arrive before any decisions need to be made requiring any of Hank's treatment." Michael nodded; actually relieved that was the case. He didn't feel comfortable having to make decisions for David's son.

"A nurse will be in shortly to check his vitals; will you be staying until Dr Cameron arrives?"

When the doctor left Michael decided to make a quick call to Ben. "Hey, it's me."

"He's sleeping right now. He has a concussion, some head and facial injuries... he dislocated his shoulder and hurt his wrist and he has a few cuts and bruises."

"Yeah, he woke up for a couple of minutes and saw that I was here. I'm happy to stay until David arrives, so he knows someone is here for him."

"Of course, and I'm sure both Hank and his father will appreciate it. Hunter and I are going to see your mother and then I'll go shoot some hoops with him. Hopefully when you get back we can all catch a movie together and a bite to eat, okay?"

Michael smiled at Hank who seemed more alert now than he had before. "Ah, that was Ben, my partner... my husband."

Hank just looked at him. A nurse came into the room. She set about doing Hank's vital signs and wrote some notes on his chart. Michael had stood back to keep out of her way. When she finished she said "Thanks. I'll be back in 40 minutes or so. If you need anything, just press the yellow buzzer."

"Ah... we've been together 6 years. He's a professor at Carnegie Mellon and we adopted a kid, Hunter... only now he's 20!"

Hank managed a partial smile, "I'm glad... you're a great dad... I mean, I'm sure you'd make a great dad."

"Thanks Hank. So your dad told me about your mom, I was really sorry to hear that she passed."

Hank's eyes spontaneously filled with tears and he looked up to the ceiling. Tears spilled and ran down to his pillow. Michael grabbed some tissues and said "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you Hank... I just didn't know about Lori, about your mom."

Hank just lay there and Michael tried to calm and soothe him, holding his forearm gently. "It's okay Hank, just rest. We can talk later."

"Your dad didn't say anything, only that she died a year ago. We don't have to do this Hank."

Michael actually didn't want to talk to Hank about Lori or David or any of that stuff, he was there in the capacity of someone who happened to know the family and who could be of service if required under the circumstances; he had no personal connection to these people; at least that's what his brain was telling him.

"She died Michael because I killed her. I was having a driving lesson and I spun out of control... I killed her."

His sobs were uncontrollable now. Michael tried as hard as he could to calm him but it wasn't working. His lithe body was visibly shaking and he was crying heavily, jolting his injured body parts. Michael pressed the yellow call buzzer and moments later a nurse came in.

When Hank didn't respond to the nurse, Michael said "He's upset about his mother; we were talking and he became very agitated and got upset."

"I see. Okay, well let's see if we can calm you down Hank. Maybe you can wait outside?"

Michael didn't need to be asked twice; he got up quickly and moved out of the room.

He went and got himself some coffee and something to eat. He sat in the small waiting area by the nurse's station. Some time later the nurse who had sent him packing saw him. She went over and said quietly "I got him calmed down, but you know there's a problem right?"

"The accident... it wasn't an accident. He was trying to punish himself for what happened to his mother."

Michael just looked at her, was she serious? Michael faltered for a moment and then said "Look, I'm just an old friend of the family; Hank's father should be here in the next couple of hours and I'm sure he'll know what to do... I don't think I can really help here."

The nurse smiled "You're already helping... he's obviously opening up for a reason. He asked where you were, so if you want to go back in, you can."

She went off busily to continue her nursing duties. Michael finished his coffee and sandwich and then supposed he should go back in.

Hank had been shifted in his bed to make him more comfortable and his fluid drip had been changed, as had the bandage on his left face and hand. "Knock, knock, is it okay if I come back in?"

"Hank, you were obviously upset -- there is nothing wrong with that. You know, your dad should be here in a couple of hours and I know he'll be glad to see that you're okay."

"Of course he will. Hank, your dad was frantic on the phone when he called me; he is beside himself with worry."

"Probably only because he has to leave his precious clients and come all the way here -- because I fucked up again."

Michael was beginning to think that there was a lot more going on in the Cameron family household that he could possibly know about; the innuendo about Lori, Hank's involvement in her death, Hank's perception of his father's feelings, the nurse telling him that Hank meant to hurt himself. Michael wondered what the hell he had walked into.

Hank drifted off back to sleep and Michael was standing up stretching and looking out the window when he heard someone come in.

He turned to see David standing there. David looked over at Michael, greeted him with an anxious nod and then turned directly toward his son in the bed. "How is he?"

"He's resting; he's been asleep for an hour or so. You made it here quicker than I expected."

David gently pushed some hair from Hank's forehead and touched his face lightly. Michael noted that David was thinner, a little greyer but still quite the looker.

David went to Michael and said awkwardly "Thank you so much for being here, I really appreciate you doing this."

Then David leaned in to hug Michael. Michael didn't return the hug but said "That's okay, I was happy to do it. The doctor said you should let him know when you arrive."

"Yeah, I told the nurse on my way in. She was paging him. He looks so small, so frail."

Michael smiled "That's what hospital beds do to people! I'm sure he's going to be fine."

David folded his arms across his chest; looking over at Hank he said "You look good though; you look terrific."

When the doctor came in David said "Can you hang around long enough to get a coffee? I'd like to talk to you."

Michael was curious to know what was going on with the Cameron's and he hoped David could shed some light. A 15 minute chat over coffee couldn't hurt.

When David emerged from Hank's room some minutes later he said "So, is there a cafeteria?"

They sat at a small table and Michael looked directly at David; he noted that David's green eyes were still the same, just a little more worn around the edges. His hair was longer with a tinge of grey on the temples. He said "Did the doctor give you any new information?"

"Um, David just arrived -- we're just having a coffee. I'm sure I won't be too long."

"Take your time; I just wanted to let you know that Hunter and I are going to the diner because he's starving so if you want you can meet us at the movie house, and if things take an unexpected turn there, you can stay -- we'll just go in without you. Okay?"

"I ran into Melanie a few months ago in Ontario; I was surprised that she and Lindsay had moved there. JR is gorgeous by the way, you should be so proud. Anyway, I had heard about the bombing and your injuries but I kept in touch with details through the media; I'm not sure why I didn't get in touch back then; just figured I was the last person you needed to deal with I guess... So anyway, she told me you were happily married -- there was even mention of a foster child?"

A light came into Michael's eyes, "Yeah, Hunter. He's actually 20 now. He's home from college for a week so we're over the moon about that."

"I'll bet. You were always really good with Hank; I'm sure you're a great dad Michael."

"Thanks David, I appreciate that. So, I was sorry to hear about Lori. What happened?"

David sighed; "It's a long story... you remember she and Gary got divorced... well she was having trouble with him. It was after I moved to Portland but I tried to stay out of her affairs. I was spending a lot of time with Hank, as you know, and she was doing her own thing. Anyway, she found someone else and eventually he moved in with them. Hank wasn't pleased but she wouldn't let him come and live with me so he stuck it out -- but he spent most of his spare time with me at my place."

David nodded, "Yeah but when I became more of a father figure than a friend, he started to resent me a bit. Anyway, to cut a long and sordid story short -- I had someone move in with me and Hank didn't like that my time was being divided and he started to act out. He was flunking at school; the usual stuff... Lori was at her wit's end and she asked me to take him. So he came to stay with me and Brett [Michael swore he saw a glint in David's eye when he said Brett's name] and everything was okay for a while. He settled down and he was getting along pretty well. So, she and Hank started spending more time together and he was dividing a lot of his time between both our houses and one night he and I had a huge row and he called his mother to come and pick him up, which she did. But she had developed a headache and she asked him to drive back to her place. He was learning at the time so he had very little experience. He apparently hit some oil and lost control of the car..." David's eyes went dark and gloomy.

"Pretty much. David, he's very upset over his mother's death... you know that right?"

"He had counselling for about 6 months afterwards. I made sure that he got back on the horse as it were -- I didn't want him to be afraid to drive...but now this! Maybe I pushed him too hard. He's only been driving again for about 3 months."

"David, one of the nurses said something earlier... I think you should know... Hank told her that it wasn't an accident."

David was confused; he shook his head and asked with his eyes for Michael to explain.

Michael continued, "David, Hank told her that he hurt himself on purpose -- to punish himself for what happened to Lori."

Tears welled in David's eyes; he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Are you sure about this Michael?"

"That's what she told me. I had asked Hank about Lori and he got really upset, very agitated. She had to calm him down. He hinted to me that he had been responsible for her death but he hadn't elaborated so I had no idea that I was opening up such painful memories for him; but now, after everything you've told me... I really think he needs help."

David nodded in total agreement, "It would seem so. Why hasn't he spoken to me?"

Michael decided he had come this far, he might as well jump in with both feet now. "David, Hank thinks you don't care about him... he thinks you blame him for Lori's death too."

David's eyes sprung open in disbelief "Are you serious? Did he actually say that? Jesus! He couldn't be farther from the truth! Christ!"

"When he got upset I told him that you'd be arriving soon and he said you wouldn't care how he was anyway; I tried to tell him how frantic and upset you were on the phone and he implied that it was only because you had to come all the way here, leave your clients and because he had fucked up, again. That's his take on it... as far as I could put together."

"I had no idea. Of course I don't blame him. Jesus, it was a stupid fucking accident, nobody's fault. I knew he changed after the accident but that was to be expected. I mean the kid lost his mother for God's sake, of course he'd change. I got him a great therapist and he seemed to be coping. When I had to sell Lori's house he seemed okay. I set up a trust fund for him and he was grateful that he could perhaps do her proud and do well in school and make something of himself... He came to live with Brett and I and he really did seem okay. This has really blown me away Michael. Fuck!"

Michael really felt bad for David; his son's mother had died -- his ex-wife. His son was blaming himself and not only that, he believed that his father blamed him as well and didn't care for him. Knowing how protective David was of Hank, Michael knew how much he was hurting right now; he also knew that if Hunter ever felt like that about him or about Ben that they'd be devastated.

He reached across and touched David's hand and said "He'll get through this. He obviously needs some more help and he needs you... you just have to let him know that you're here and that you care. He knows it deep down David."

David brushed away a tear or two and nodded slowly. After a moment he said "Well, I shouldn't hold you up any longer... I really want to thank you for being here Michael, for Hank... and for me. It's much more than I deserved."

Michael wasn't sure why, but he said "I can stay a bit longer if you want me to, if you need me to."

Michael just nodded. They headed back up to Hank's room. He was awake and the nurse was taking his vital signs again.

Hank looked across, seeing his father for the first time and seeing him with Michael -- it was weird for sure. David smiled and went to the side of the bed where the nurse wasn't working. He touched Hank's head softly and smiled down at his son. "Hey you... you gave me quite a scare!"

The nurse finished her duties and left them. Michael stood at the foot of the bed. David pulled a chair in close to Hank and said "Hey, I'm not mad or angry at you -- I was just worried sick about you. I asked Michael to come and be here because I couldn't get here fast enough and he kindly agreed to help me out... I just hated the thought of you waking up and not seeing a face you recognised. I'm sorry it took me so long to get here."

"I'm never too busy for you Hank, never... and especially when you're hurt. My God, I had to get here as fast as I could; I could only get a connecting flight, not a direct one -- that's the only reason it took me longer. The doctor says you're gonna be okay... how do you feel?"

David smiled, "Well we don't want you in any pain, so if you feel anything, anything at all, you make sure you tell the nurses okay?"

Hank looked past David and said "Thanks for being here Michael... this must be weird for you huh?"

Michael came around to the other side of the bed and sat opposite David. "I was happy to be here for you and your dad, until he arrived. You know I'll always care about you."

David thought it was time to test the waters with Hank and his feelings, not wanting to push him, but to open up lines of communication while he had the chance and perhaps with Michael there, he sensed that Hank might be more forthcoming with his true feelings.

"Hank... you told one of the nurses something about your accident... do you want to talk about that?"

Hank looked at David, then at Michael and then up to the ceiling. "She shouldn't have told you."

Michael stepped up, "I told your dad Hank; the nurse told me what you said and I thought your dad should know."

Hank's body tensed up and tears were forming; "I just got scared; I saw her face... it was all covered with blood... she was screaming... I just wanted it to stop."

Michael's heart sank, this poor kid. He was so mixed up, so confused. He saw the years creep into David's face and at that moment he knew that David's heart was breaking.

"Hank... it wasn't your fault. It was an accident... there was nothing that anyone did that caused that accident -- no one blames you and you shouldn't blame yourself... I am so sorry that I didn't realise you still felt this way. I knew you stopped seeing Dr Barrett because you thought you were able to go on... but now I see that it was too soon. You've been carrying this around with you for a long time; I am so sorry son."

Michael's hand found its way over to David's forearm. He gave it a gentle squeeze, reassuring him that he was saying all the right things, the things that Hank needed to hear.

Hank sobbed "I just thought if I died too it would make up for what I did...I hit that tree and I thought I saw her face, she was standing there right in front of me... she looked so peaceful. I thought I was dead."

David's voice quivered with emotion, "Hank... don't you know what it would do to me to lose you as well! I can't bear to think of losing you. You can't bring her back and you have nothing to make up for, nothing to be guilty or sorry for... I know it was a tragedy and that it hurt you deeply, but Hank -- you can't give your life for another like that; that's not how it works. You know that right?"

Hank's hand gripped the bed clothes and his body shuddered with tears of frustration and anger and pent up emotion that he had kept bottled up for so many months. David said quietly "Michael, can you please ask the nurse to come in -- I think he needs something to relax him. This can't be good for him."

Michael went out and found a nurse quickly. He explained the situation and she got some orders written up and she was able to administer a mild sedative; something that would give him some respite, some sleep. David held his hand until he drifted off and then he moved out of the room. He found Michael in the waiting area. He pushed his hands into his pockets and just stretched his neck and exhaled loudly.

"Not really, no. I can't believe he's been carrying this guilt all this time and I never saw it! I didn't want to see it..."

"He was shielding you from it David, he didn't let you see it. Now it's all out in the open, it will be okay; Hank will get the help he needs and you will be there to help him through this."

"Of course you can... you're his dad. He loves you and he needs you, you have to do this. He has already lost one parent, and he needs to know that he still has you."

"I know... but I look at him and I see this little kid... this little kid that used to look up to me, admire me. Even when I wasn't married to Lori anymore he accepted me as I was. He came to love Mac and he was a huge part of our lives... and then I moved away. I see this kid who hated me... hated me for abandoning him... but then he came to realise that it didn't matter where I lived, I was still his dad. That kid, the kid you met... the kid that fell for you. The kid that hated my existence after you left...he blamed me entirely for the whole break up and it took him a long time to move past that but he did... I see that kid Michael. I see the troubled kid, my son... we've been through a lot over the years but I always thought he loved me and always knew I loved him. I always thought we knew each other... that we trusted one another."

"Then why is it that my fucking kid is lying in there, bruised and broken and bloody and I find out that he tried to kill himself! I find out that he blames himself every waking moment for killing his mother and that it has taken months of him shouldering this on his own to drive him over the edge... and not only that -- he thinks I blame him too and he thinks I'd be better off if he took his own life and to somehow make up for the past... How can that be Michael?"

The tears flowed from David's eyes and he physically looked a whole lot smaller to Michael. Michael ushered him to a chair and sat him down. He knelt in front of him and held David by the shoulders, trying to comfort his former lover. He saw the guy that he loved once; the guy who had loved him, who had been his lover, his confidante, even his enemy. Right now David was the guy who needed Michael's love and understanding and support. He wasn't sure how much he could provide, but he would dig deep and try. He had to try. Hank's life depended on his father getting through this and Michael would do what he could to make sure that happened.

When Michael eventually made it home it was after 9.00. Ben and Hunter had been to a movie and now Hunter was off with his friends, catching up. Ben was reading quietly in the lounge. He looked over his glasses at Michael and said quietly "Hey... it's been a long day huh?"

Ben put his book down and slipped his arms around the smaller man and just cradled him. Michael's head found Ben's chest and he felt an instant release of the tension that this day had brought him.

Michael took a deep breath, "Not good... I don't just mean Hank's injuries... there is a lot more going on than either of them knew or wanted to know and they're in bad shape. Hank did this on purpose Ben, he tried to kill himself."

Ben's grip tightened on Michael's tired body "Oh baby, I'm so sorry. That's awful. How is David coping?"

"He's devastated, of course. He had no idea. David's ex-wife died in a car accident and Hank was driving the car... he blamed himself. He had counselling and it seemed that they moved on. David had no idea that Hank still blamed himself and that he thought David blamed him too. This has been eating away at that kid for months! He is so fucked up."

"It sounds like it. How can David say he didn't know; for months his son has been wracked with guilt and he saw no clues?"

Michael sat up; he looked so pale and tired. He shrugged and said "David is devastated that he hadn't realised that this was going on; in hindsight he knows that all the fights they've been having have probably been signs of underlying issues but he put it down to teenage angst and whatnot... he thought that because Hank had stopped seeing his therapist that everything was okay. He had no real idea that Hank was keeping all this inside."

Ben said with frustration "It's his job to know that something so major is going on with his son!"

Michael was surprised by Ben incredulous tone and his lack of empathy for the situation. "I think he realises that and now that he is aware, he will be doing everything in his power to help Hank through this."

"Well I hope Hank hasn't been permanently damaged for carrying this guilt around for so long, undetected by people who should have seen it, should have sensed that something was going on."

"Ben, you didn't see them at the hospital. Hank is an absolute mess; he is so mixed up right now. It broke my heart. But David, he was in tears, he was in shock and totally thrown by all of this. He was in so much pain..."

It was then that Ben realised that Michael had been speaking of David Cameron with care and an intensity that he had never witnessed before. Usually when Michael spoke about his ex, very seldom, it was with disdain and anger and hurt. Ben looked at him, trying to read the emotion behind Michael's eyes.

"I'm not sure... obviously they both need professional help but I'm glad at least the lines of communication have been opened between them -- although sadly, that has more to do with the fact that Hank tried to plough into a tree and top himself, more than it had anything to do with me being there... but at least the chain of events have seen them both open up about what's really going on."

Ben nodded. After a moment he said "So, how was David, apart from all the terrible stuff with his son?"

Michael looked long and hard at his husband; it was now his turn to read the true intent of the question brewing behind the pale blue eyes that were cagily averting his gaze. "Um, he's okay I guess... From what I gather he is kept pretty busy with his work... obviously Lori's death took its toll on them as a family unit. He lives with his partner... Brett I think his name was. Other than that, we didn't really didn't talk much."

Ben knew it was stupid to feel jealous; but knowing that Michael had spent quite a few hours with his ex-lover somehow made him feel less aware of Michael's innermost depth, something that Ben thought he did know. They had always talked about how much they really knew each other and how they connected on such a deep plain, quite unlike any other couple they knew. Knowing the pain that Michael had taken from his relationship with David Cameron was always a source of emotion for Ben; he wished he could erase that pain for his soul mate. He wished he could take away that hurt. Although Michael always defended his time with David and always said that their time together made him a stronger person, made him the person who is was today, Ben always had the feeling that Michael would have given it up in a heartbeat if it meant he hadn't had to go through the pain that ensued.

Looking at Michael now, hearing him talk of this man in such an empathetic way, it totally floored Ben. Did a few hours in a hospital really wipe away all the tears, the fears, the pain, the anger that Michael felt all those years?

"I can't believe I feel angry at some guy I've never really met. I'm angry at David Cameron for not knowing that his son was in emotional turmoil, that he couldn't possibly see that after the loss of his mother that it took more than a few sessions with a shrink to move past something like that... I feel so sorry for Hank, because he has had to endure this pain, on his own... he must have felt so alone. My heart breaks for that kid."

Michael watched as Ben stood up and moved across the room. He pulled his knees up and encircled them with his arms. "Are you sure that's where your anger and frustration is stemming from?"

Ben spun to look back at Michael. "You don't think I have a valid point in being angry at him for not knowing what his son was going through?"

"We don't have all the facts; yes, it's horrible and fucking terrible to think that Hank has shouldered this for so long and it had to come to this... but we can't know everything. I know you think as a father that David should have been aware... but shit happens Ben. He'll do what he can for his son now, that's the important focus right now."

"You... talking about him like he's some decent guy... just a little down on his luck."

"That's not how I see it at all. He called me in tears this morning. The shear agony in his voice was enough to send shockwaves through me body; there was no way I could turn down his request. When I got to the hospital and saw how bad Hank was, I was glad that I went. He needed to have someone there with him; someone that he knew. I didn't know what I was walking into Ben but when it all started to unravel my heart just broke for them! Christ, the kid lost his mother... not only that -- he thinks he killed her or was responsible for her death and on top of that he believes that his dad blames him too... Seeing the two of them in so much pain -- how can I not feel something!"

Ben just looked at him, his face tinged with hope; hoping Michael could justify what was going through him at that precise moment. Ben didn't want to feel the way he was feeling, he at least hoped Michael would reassure him that given what they both knew, that Michael wasn't wasting his emotions on that man.

"Ben, you didn't see him. He was distraught, overcome with shock. He was in tears -- I had to comfort him. I realised at one point that this was a guy who I once cared about more than life itself... this was a man who had held me, made love to me and shown me a world I never knew existed. That was the man I was reacting to. My heart remembered the good parts I guess and my head remembered that I was a caring person who would hopefully never turn his back on someone in need... and that's exactly why I sat there and held him and comforted him and tried to make it seem bearable for him. I could never forgive myself if I had walked away and had shown no feeling whatsoever for what he was going through, for what they were going through."

Ben's hands went to his face, he nodded vigorously; "You're right Michael... of course... you are so right! I'm sorry. I had not right to go there... you were right to try and help him. That's one of the main reasons I love you so much... you are the kind of man that I wish every man could be, such compassion and love... of course you had to be there for him."

Michael stood up and went to Ben. He looked up into his eyes and said "Today, seeing David, it didn't erase the past -- it didn't take away the pain I felt when our relationship ended. It didn't make me forget all the horrible things we said to one another before I left Portland. It didn't take away the tears I cried for weeks after; the anger I felt for letting myself go down that road. It didn't take away my feelings of strength that I gathered for myself as I moved past that awful time in my life... it didn't take one moment of my memories away of the day that you walked into my life... none of that changed Ben. The only thing that changed... I changed. My heart changed. I realised I was a bigger man than I gave myself credit for. I was able to push away the anger and resentment and I was able to see him for what he was... a man who I cared about once and a father who was in danger of losing his son. That seemed like the only important factor in all of this."

"I understand... I really do. I'm glad that meeting up with him, spending that time with him made you stronger and made you realise that about yourself. You are an amazing man Michael Novotny-Bruckner and I love you."

While nestled safely in Ben's embrace, Michael said softly "When he hugged me as I was leaving and thanked me for being there for him I was able to say that I was glad I could be... I meant that. I am glad that I could be there, if it means that he and Hank can now move past this and come together as father and son... then it was all worth it."

Ben kissed his neck softly and said "Our son is so lucky to have you! You're an inspiration to all fathers Michael."

End of "Heartache and Pressure"
Jannine: greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au
09/23/2007

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Heartache and Pressure

by Jannine