JR's Daddy

by Jannine

"Will you please calm down; it's going to be fine."

"That's okay for you to say, you're not the one who has to prove himself worthy here!"

"Michael, you have nothing to prove. You are JR's dad; you have as much right to care for her as Mel does."

"But she's her primary carer; I'm just a name on a certificate, on a donor card! In the beginning she didn't want me to be involved at all... It was only after all that fighting and crap that she agreed to let me have anything to do with my daughter at all... and now I feel like I'm on probation or something."

"Well she can't make you feel that way Michael; you're taking that on yourself."

"Please Ben, don't start with the mumbo-jumbo now, I can't handle it! I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but it doesn't make them any less real and it certainly doesn't put me at ease where Mel is concerned!"

Ben's eyes softened and Michael noticed them cloud over; he could see the hurt in Ben's face but right now he was more concerned about having everything perfect for JR's stay.

Melanie and Lindsay were heading away for the weekend and they had asked Michael and Ben to care for JR. Well actually, they had asked Debbie to do it but she told Melanie in no uncertain terms that it was Michael's job as JR's dad to be given that responsibility. Mel had relented and asked him. Michael was over the moon, but he was more than just a little scared at the proposition.

He and Ben had looked after JR for a few hours at most and that had proven a lot more difficult than either of them envisaged; looking after her for 48 hours seemed like an awfully big deal now... especially when she was almost due to arrive.

Ben turned to leave, Michael stopped him "I'm sorry... Ben, I'm sorry... I just get so worked up over this stuff. I really just want this to go well."

"And it will, you just have to believe in yourself a bit more."

Michael smiled and nodded, and then he said apologetically "I'm sorry I said that crap before; you know I don't think its mumbo-jumbo and I know you're right. I know I'm giving Mel way too much credit for my insecurities and I know I just need to breathe and believe that I can do this, and I really will try... I promise."

Ben opened his arms for a warm embrace. Michael stepped up to him and Ben encircled him with his strong arms. Michael leaned in against Ben's hard body and just let the love he felt there touch his body, to help drive away his fears. He always felt safe in Ben's arms.

Some 20 minutes later Michael's heart skipped a beat when there was a knock at the door. Ben touched the back of Michael's neck tenderly and gave him a reassuring soft squeeze and let him know that he was there.

Michael pulled nervously at his t-shirt and ran his sweaty palms down his sides. He opened the door to a tentative looking Melanie but a smiling and engaging Lindsay. JR was in her stroller, asleep and content; a good sign Michael thought.

Michael stood aside and let the important women in his life through into the living room. Ben smiled warmly and greeted both women with a friendly kiss on the cheek, something Michael hadn't thought to do.

Michael took the umpteen bags of "baby stuff" from Mel and Lindsay and piled them on the sofa. Lindsay "It's a lot... but trust me, you'll need it all!"

Michael smiled, "I'm sure you didn't forget anything!"

Melanie said edgily "Well I would have preferred you to take care of her at our place... it would have been easier all round."

Lindsay interjected, "We discussed this Mel... Jenny has to get used to being in other places, otherwise she won't ever settle with anyone else. The guys are gonna do fine!"

Ben beamed, "We are! We are both really looking forward to this weekend so much... I can't tell you."

Melanie seemed reassured by Ben's enthusiasm, a feeling she hadn't garnered from Michael as yet. He added his bit, "Yep, we have lots of things planned... she won't even have time to miss you."

Somehow that didn't allay Mel's sense of dread. "Michael, she's 5 months old... the only things you can plan are changing times, feeding times and nap times! Trust me, you and Ben will barely have enough time to eat and sleep yourselves!"

Michael took a deep breath and consciously told himself to not dare roll his eyes at her inane exaggerations. He smiled weakly and nodded, "I know Mel...it's gonna be hard work -- I get that... but Ben and I are really looking forward to the challenge and we have ideas on how to make it special. It's gonna be fine."

When Melanie didn't respond, Lindsay stepped up "Of course it will be! Come on Mel, we need to get going. Thank you so much guys for doing this, it means a lot to us."

Ben "It's our pleasure. You girls have a great time and don't worry about anything."

Almost as if 'worry' was all that was on Melanie's mind, she began to list an over-analysed list in her head; "Our numbers are in that folder -- do not lose them! All her creams are listed and how to apply them and the amounts. All her nappies are coded, for day and night needs... Her food containers are all clearly labelled. Do not give her anything that we haven't brought for you; she may have allergies we don't know about yet, and it's just safer to give her what we know she can tolerate. There is more than enough formula and I have expressed as much milk as I can; it needs to be stored ASAP... it's in that chiller bag. Her monitor is in the blue bag, set that up before you do anything; that way you can hear her from anywhere..."

Lindsay cut her off, "Melanie... Michael and Ben have heard all of this. They've read your lists 2 and 3 times... you answered any questions they had yesterday... the folder tells them everything they'll ever have to know!"

Michael said sarcastically "Yeah, I'm sure it lists which college she's headed for!"

When no one reacted to his quip, he sighed audibly "Oh okay, it was a joke! Come on people... I'm trying to lighten the mood here!"

Ben said calmly "Honey, Melanie is just worried about Jenny and we can understand that."

Lindsay backed Ben, "We haven't left JR for more than a few hours, and it's a scary concept Michael, for all of us."

Michael nodded, somewhat apologetically "I know... I'm sorry. Melanie, I will call you if anything out of the ordinary happens or if I have any concerns... I promise you. I just want you to trust me... a little."

Melanie relented... a tiny, wee bit; "I do trust you, both of you... I'm just a nervous first-time mother, what can I say?"

Just as Michael carefully ushered Mel and Lindsay to the door, Jenny Rebecca awoke. Ben crouched beside the stroller and rocked it gently and spoke in soft tones, "Hi sweetheart... it's okay. Hi..."

Lindsay held on firmly to Mel's arm, making sure that Melanie didn't run across the room and invite any separation anxiety for Jenny. She got her into the hallway and Michael reassured her "We'll be fine. I'll expect a phone call from you when you arrive and we'll see you tomorrow night."

Melanie nodded and was about to reiterate some dire instruction that she had probably overstated already, but Lindsay waved Michael off and led Melanie down the hallway towards the stairwell. They were finally out of sight. Michael went back inside.

Ben was holding Jenny and he had a huge mushy grin on his face. Michael couldn't help but take on the infectious grin. He held out his arms to his infant daughter and said "Hi honey bun... you and me, and Uncle Ben, we're gonna have so much fun this weekend; you're never gonna wanna go home!"

JR's face screwed up into an anxious frown and then the wailing began. Michael jiggled her and hugged her and stroked her back and rocked to and fro but there was no calming her. He managed to say to Ben over the din, "Honey, do you think she's hungry or needs changing?"

Ben shrugged but said "maybe she's just now realised that her mommy has left her here! I'm sure she'll settle."

Michael's dark eyes held panic and dread and Ben knew that already Michael was unsure of his decision to take his daughter on for the whole weekend. He said calmly "Honey, why don't you give her to me and you can load all that stuff into the fridge and put all Jenny's stuff away and then we can all sit down and get to know one another better."

Michael reluctantly handed his precious girl over to Ben and began picking up baby bags. By the time he had reached the kitchen, the sobbing and wailing ceased. When he came back in a few moments later, JR was snuggled into Ben's chest and was happily sucking her thumb. Ben was gently caressing her back and shoulders and just humming softly. Michael smiled at the sight, but below the surface he was somewhat miffed that Ben could calm his daughter when he couldn't.

Michael continued to put JR's things away and finally he was able to come in and sit down. Ben was sitting in the white rocker that they bought at a garage sale a few months back, entirely for this purpose. JR looked even tinier in Ben's firm arms and Michael noted how adorable she looked while asleep. He crouched at Ben's knee and just touched his baby's hand ever so lightly. Ben smiled at Michael and said in a whisper "Do you want to take her?"

"No, leave her... she looks so content, I'd hate to wake her."

Ben just nodded and looked down at the tiny sleeping bundle in his arms. She smelled so sweet and her body warmth was making him feel all fuzzy. Her tiny breaths against his chest were so calming; he thought he could look at her forever.

Michael got up and sat across from Ben on the sofa. When Michael began to speak but in a hushed tone, Ben said "Remember what Mel said... we don't have to whisper around her; she is quite used to hearing normal talking voices and normal household noises... its good for her to become accustomed to the usual goings on around her."

Michael nodded, remembering that exact conversation with Melanie a couple of days ago. He said "Yeah, I remember... it's just so hard to not whisper, when she looks like that, like a sleeping angel."

Ben laughed "I know what you mean."

The next hour or so went by; the guys chatted about their week that was and all the while Jenny Rebecca slept in Ben's arms as he gently rocked in the chair.

When she eventually woke she gave a few gurgling sounds and a stretch and kicked out her tiny feet as if to ask Ben to change her position. He obliged. He placed her up on his shoulder and it was then that he smelled her diaper. He smiled over at Michael, "I think it's time you took your daughter."

Michael looked at him suspiciously, "She needs changing doesn't she?"

Ben nodded and then laughed, "Come on, we'll do it together. I'm sure we can work it out."

So up he got and they took JR into their room where they had a change table all set up. Michael had put all her creams and things into the shelving and he had the list ready to read.

He took JR from Ben and put her on the soft surface of the table. She looked up at him but she seemed a little wary. Michael smiled down at her and began to make funny noises, noises she wasn't too excited about. A frown came over her angelic face and Michael said "Oh no... Sorry honey bun... I must have scared you! It's okay... daddy is here."

But JR was having none of that. Her little face began to screw up again and her big inquiring eyes took on a look of fear. Michael began to undress her, pulling at the press-stud fixtures on her jumpsuit. He popped one leg free of the garment and then the wailing began again. Ben appeared over Michael's shoulder and said "its okay baby, she's just not used to you doing this... she's used to looking up and seeing her mommies. By the end of the weekend, you'll be an old pro at this game."

Michael wasn't reassured by Ben's pep talk. He finally got JR free of the jumpsuit and the diaper and he reached for a cleaning cloth. Ben was reading the list of instructions.

"Yep, that's good baby. When you clean her, just pat her dry gently with the soft yellow towels and then we can get the cream thing happening."

Michael nodded, having already read the instructions. JR's sobs softened a little but she was kicking out with her legs and making it almost impossible for Michael to put cream anywhere near where it needed to be. He was becoming very frustrated and felt annoyed that he actually had to ask for Ben's help.

Ben held her feet gently while Michael prepared the cream swab and administered it to JR's rash and then Ben smiled and poked a face at JR as Michael wriggled a fresh diaper underneath her. JR giggled and gurgled as Ben played peek-a-boo from behind Michael and Michael was finally satisfied that her new diaper would actually stay on her body. He reworked the jumpsuit back on and it didn't take quite as long as when getting it off, a good sign for sure.

He asked Ben to watch JR while he disposed of the soiled diaper and washed his hands.

When he returned Ben was holding JR and they were looking out the window. Ben was pointing to a tree and he said "And that's a giant maple tree... see all the pretty yellow and red leaves... that's your daddy's favourite tree sweetie."

Michael smiled at the vision and moved up close behind Ben. Ben slipped JR into Michael's arms and kissed his cheek softly and said "You guys should spend some quality time together; I'm gonna run to the store and get us some groceries for a stir-fry dinner tonight."

Michael spat out anxiously "You're leaving me alone here?"

"You'll be fine baby... just talk to her, reassure her. Tell her stories, get to know her. Let her get the feel of you, this is all pretty new to her. You're usually just a face sitting across the room and watching on as Mel feeds her or whatever, but now she gets to see you up close and in a more personal light. This will be good for you."

"I don't know Ben. She seems more comfortable with you; I usually make her cry."

"Don't be silly Michael... she's a tiny baby -- she cries for lots of reasons, least of which is you I'm sure! I won't be long, I promise. You won't even notice I'm gone."

And with that Ben was gone.

Won't notice he's gone, yeah right! Michael was cursing at Ben's disappearance within 10 minutes. Jenny had started to wail pretty much straight away and Michael couldn't calm her no matter what he tried. He checked her nappy, again... it was fine. He checked her schedule -- she wasn't due for a feed. He hummed, he rocked, he sang, he pulled ridiculous faces and he told her stories, but all to no avail. The wailing continued. He was at his wit's end when Ben casually strolled in some hour or so later.

Ben could see the telltale red flush across Michael's exasperated cheeks, the red puffy cheeks of the crying infant and the room littered with every toy and blanket imaginable. Ben turned down the music [making a mental note to check with Michael later about the suitability of rap tunes that were bouncing off the walls.]

Michael said hurriedly "Please, Ben, just take her! I can't do this!"

Ben gently prised the sobbing infant from Michael's tense arms and gently held her to his warm chest. He soothed her cries with quiet "ssh... it's okay... yes, I know.... It's okay. Ssh..." Pretty soon the sobs ebbed and the house was back to a reasonable state; with Michael angrily throwing toys into boxes and folding blankets and murmuring under his breath.

When Ben was sure that JR was well and truly asleep, he placed her gently into her crib and left the room taking care not to shut the door with any force. He found Michael curled up in an armchair. He asked casually "Is the monitor on?"

Michael snapped, "Yes Ben, the fucking monitor is on! Even I can do that."

Ben tilted his head and shot him a look that told Michael straight off that he wasn't impressed with his harsh tone. But Michael was too frustrated and angry to apologise.

Ben sat across from Michael and said "Are you okay?"

Michael's look told him that of course he wasn't okay; a blind man could see that! Ben smiled "Stupid question. Okay, talk to me... What happened here after I left?

Michael clasped his fingers together tightly on top of his pounding head and said through gritted teeth, "She started crying and didn't fucking stop the whole time you were gone!"

Now wasn't the time to remind Michael that he had made Ben to promise not to cuss in front of JR this weekend. "Okay... So what did you do?"

"I tried everything I could think of Ben... I checked her nappy -- she wasn't wet! She wasn't due for a feed. I put her in her crib but that just made her worse! I tried pulling stupid fucking faces and singing and jumping around and all kinds of music... your's, mine, Hunter's -- nothing worked!"

Ben just nodded and tried to look sympathetic but then Michael added harshly "Of course nothing I tried worked; but as soon as you waltzed in, she was fine!"

Ben knew Michael was upset because JR hadn't taken to him yet, but he had to choose his words carefully; he didn't want to upset Michael further.

"Honey, she is just not used to this... it's all new for her..."

Michael cut him off, "She doesn't know you either, but you're able to calm her right away! My daughter hates me!"

Ben couldn't help but laugh, but Michael's glassy stare wiped the smile from his face. "I'm sorry... but baby, how can you say that? She's a tiny baby, she doesn't even know what 'hate' is! It's an empty emotion that has no concept for a little person who was just born into this world. Can I say something without you jumping all over me and getting pissed?"

Michael rolled his eyes and said "Sure, why not?"

Ben started out slowly and carefully "Michael, I think Jenny reacts to you... I think she senses that you're tense and rigid and she doesn't feel comfortable with the vibes you're giving out... does that make sense?"

Michael didn't lash out or yell or swear as Ben half expected. He seemed to be genuinely thinking over what Ben had said. He unclasped his hands that exhibited white knuckles and he felt the tension ease from his head slightly. He realised just how tense he was holding himself; and suddenly it made him aware that that was what Jenny Rebecca was feeling too; him holding her and feeling all his tension, his frustration and anxiety.

Michael nodded and Ben noticed that his posture changed, it relaxed. Ben got up and went and crouched by Michael's chair, "Baby, she just needs to know that you're here for her. She needs to feel loved; she needs to feel warm and cared for. That's all she knows. She needs to be fed, changed, rocked to sleep and loved. She's probably missing her mothers, especially Mel and she's feeling somewhat abandoned but she'll move through it, I promise you."

Michael smiled softly "I believe you. I'm sorry for being such a jerk... I just got so frustrated, so damn angry... and then you come in and you're able to calm her and I got jealous!"

Ben touched his leg with a gentle squeeze and said "It's only natural but she is just reacting to my vibe as well; it's not me specifically, it's just my calmness, my touch. She feels relaxed because I am. You can get the hang of this, I have faith Michael."

Michael laughed "Well I'm glad one of us does!"

Ben kissed him softly and said "You're JR's daddy; she will grow to know you and love you and adore you, just like I do."

The couple got some much needed peace and quiet for the next 2 hours while JR slept peacefully. Her crying stint had obviously worn her out. Ben made them some lunch and they snuggled on the sofa and talked.

Fortunately, Mel's inevitable phone call came while the baby was still soundly sleeping so for Michael to tell her that all was well and that she was sleeping in the next room wasn't a lie at all and he felt good be able to say it. He would have dreaded having to talk to Melanie with JR screaming in the background; that would have been a total disaster. Mel also spoke to Ben [Michael was sure it was because she didn't quite believe him] but after talking to Ben also, she seemed relieved that her infant daughter was fine. She would phone them this evening.

Some time later Ben was marking some papers for work when he heard JR stir on the monitor. He looked across at Michael and he smiled encouragingly. Michael nodded and got up.

"Just keep it simple baby, soft and reassuring."

Ben had talked Michael through how to share his safeness with JR, to show her and let her sense that she was safe with him. He had gotten Michael to hold a cushion against his chest and shoulder and let his hands do the calming, all the while talking in reassuring tones. It all went very well with the cushion, not one peep out of it!

Michael entered the bedroom calmly and he stood at the foot of JR's crib, ensuring not to frighten her. She looked up at him with her gorgeous dark trimmed eyes and she actually looked happy to see him. Michael smiled warmly down at his daughter and said softly "Hi honey bun; you're awake from your nap. Daddy is here."

Ben was listening on the monitor and a huge smile came into his eyes, Michael was a quick learner. He continued to listen.

Michael gently picked JR up and held her firmly but gently against his chest, holding the back of her head and gently stroking her back. He said softly "Hey there... this is nice isn't it... much better."

He carefully sat in the rocker with her and was amazed at how well Ben's tips were doing, she was so relaxed and calm in his embrace.

Ben had told Michael to sing to JR if she became squirmy or fussy. He repositioned her to lie across his body in his arms and smiled down at her. He began to sing a song that he had heard Melanie sing while she was pregnant with Jenny, called "Little, Little".

"Pulsing away, just like thunder in your little ears,
Be brave, it won't be long til you meet us
My blood is your blood; I'll feel you til the day I die,
Dear little, little, sweet little, little
I love every little thing about you,
Even though I can't see your shining eyes
I can tell I'm gonna love you by the way I love you now

And it's your little, little kick down below,
Makes me feel the strength of a 100 forces,
I never felt a power like a love like this before
Noises from outside, you hardly hear at all
Your lifeline pulses with anticipation
No dark and dim thoughts confound your little head
Floating in Paradise, remember little, little, little

Ben's eyes glistened with tears of joy and pride as he listened to his sweet lover sing so beautifully to his daughter, the words were so magical.

When Michael emerged from the room about 20 minutes later, carrying a very calm, smiling child Ben gave him a standing ovation and said beaming with pride "You are amazing! Do you know how much I love you?"

He kissed Michael's cheek tenderly and then kissed JR's cheek softly and said "You are so lucky Jenny, to have such an incredible daddy."

JR giggled and wriggled in Michael's arms and both men looked like they could just melt. This little bundle of joy was sure to burst their hearts with such passion.

Michael held JR out to Ben. Ben looked surprised, "Why? Are you sure? This is your time."

"No, you made this possible... I'm going to make dinner. You spend some time with our girl and I'll be just over there."

Ben took her and Michael kissed Ben passionately and said "Thank you."

Almost on cue, as soon as Michael was out of reach on his way to the kitchen, JR began to cry. Michael laughed and called out "Honey, I won't be long if you need a hand settling her!"

Both Ben and Michael burst out laughing hard which of course only made Jenny wail louder.

When Melanie and Lindsay arrived home the following day, Mel was anxious to see her baby and Ben pointed her through to the bedroom. She quietly went in and stood in the doorway as she watched Michael with JR. He was cradling her like an old pro and he was talking away to her like she was a grown person who could carry on a conversation. He was explaining colours.

"And crystal blue... that's the colour of your Uncle Ben's eyes and you'll see how much he loves you whenever you look into them Jenny."

Melanie smiled at the sweet scene. She went in and crouched beside the rocker and said "Hey beautiful... And don't forget chocolate brown, that's the colour of your daddy's eyes and I know you already know how much he loves you!"

Michael kissed Mel's cheek and then he felt a sudden empty feeling in his chest; he knew JR would be leaving.

As though Melanie could sense what he was feeling, she said "Michael, this won't be the last time, I promise... you and Ben can start having regular sleepovers with her. I want her to get to know you guys. This weekend has taught me how important that is... and I really needed the break, so thank you for making this possible."

Michael and Ben helped Lindsay load up the car with all the bags and Melanie got JR safely into her carry seat. Michael climbed into the car and said "Well honey bun, this is it... for now! I can't wait til you come back and I promise I'll be better at this daddy caper by then."

After Mel and Lindsay drove away Ben enveloped Michael in his arms and said "You, Michael Novotny Bruckner are an amazing father, and that little girl is so lucky to have you!"

Michael accepted Ben's soft kiss and said "She's lucky to have both of us."