Summary: Who would have thought that expressing thoughts could be so difficult?
Rating: R
Archive Date: 06 March 2006
"Just write what you feel."
Yeah right. That's easy for him to say -- he's a published author! I write goddamn comic books for Christ's sake. "Write what you feel..."
When Ben and Michael started thinking about their 1st year Wedding Anniversary approaching they decided to throw a little get together with their closest friends and family. That blew out to an invitation list of 40 or so people and so now they decided to make it even more special and Ben suggested that they prepare something for one another and present it at the party. Michael was not at all sure he could pull that off -- get up and speak in front of everyone he knew and loved and try and put into words how he truly felt about his husband. The thought of doing that was overwhelming and made him feel queasy all over.
Ben assured him it would be okay. "Just write what you feel baby, listen to your heart." They were his words of advice when Michael screwed up yet another leaf from his note pad in frustration and threw it across the living room.
As the days went on Michael became more and more agitated that he had not one legible sentence written. He had a million images swimming in his mind, thoughts of Ben making love to him, holding him, kissing him, touching him -- but he couldn't put it into words; he couldn't convey how Ben made him feel -- not deep down where it really mattered. He also didn't know if he wanted other people to hear how he felt on that level; like they were his own private thoughts and thoughts only to be shared with Ben. He was annoyed that Ben made it look so easy. Michael saw Ben scribbling away one night last week and after an hour or so he sat on the sofa with a stupid grin on his face and looked like the cat that had stolen the cream and he was done. Finished. Complete. He had managed to capture their love into however many sentences it took him and now he was pleased with his efforts and didn't have to try anymore.
The house got cleaned from top to bottom and the fridge and pantry were stocked to the brim with everything they needed for the party. Their friends were helping out with food and Emmett had asked if he could take care of the cake.
The night before the party Ben asked Michael how his speech was coming along. "Baby, have you managed to jot anything down yet? It's no big deal if you haven't you know... it was just an idea -- we don't have to do it."
Now he tells me that! No big deal. Then why the Hell have I been wracking my fucking brain for the past 2 weeks trying to string together a few lousy words that are somehow supposed to reflect what my heart feels about my husband.
Michael shot Ben a disturbed look and Ben saw a flash of anger in his husband's dark brooding eyes that made him back off immediately.
That evening Ben went out to the gym with Hunter for a workout. Michael wandered around the house looking for inspiration for his speech. He picked up Ben's sweater and took in the aroma of Ben and instantaneously Michael felt giddy and dreamy.
He sat on Ben's side of the bed and looked at the photo beside the bed; a photo of them both, taken at their wedding ceremony by Ted. They both looked so happy. Michael let his mind wander back to that day. He had felt such a sense of freedom -- not because gay marriage was permitted in Canada but because he had let his heart feel free to think beyond the next week, the next year. He had allowed himself to think of a future with Ben. He stood there and exchanged rings with Ben and knew within himself that this marriage was for a lifetime and it didn't really matter how long that lifetime was.
Michael became pensive again. This wasn't helping. "Write what you feel"... Sure, if I said what I really felt people would run screaming from the house.
"I love when Ben fucks me so hard that I can still feel him inside me the next morning. I love when Ben sucks me off in the shower and fingers me until I come. I love when Ben only has to look at me and I go weak at the knees. I love looking into Ben's blue eyes and seeing the clarity and pureness of his love but even more I love when I see lust in his eyes and I know he's about to throw me down on the bed and start burrowing inside me like there is no surety that tomorrow will even come. He has the most exquisite body I've ever seen and that body makes me quiver whenever it comes even close to me but its not just the look of his body, it's that the reason Ben looks like he does is because he's doing everything he can to assure me, us, of a future together and that is what makes him all the more sexy to me. I can't bear to think of a life without Ben and to do so brings me to tears and it hurts so bad that my body aches from that unbinding release of truth."
Okay -- so I can't say those things to my friends and family. What the fuck am I supposed to say?
When Ben and Hunter returned they came across Michael asleep on the sofa, surrounded by dozens of balls of screwed up paper. Ben smiled wistfully. He knew this was hard on Michael and he loved that Michael was trying so hard to make it perfect but it also saddened him a little to think that Michael was having so much trouble expressing his thoughts. Was it really that difficult to write a sentence or two on how he truly felt about his lover, his husband, his partner?
The following morning Ben awoke to find Michael had already gotten up, showered, dressed and left the house. There was a lot to do for the party and obviously Michael wanted an early start.
While they were dressing for the party later in the evening Ben asked Michael "Honey, this party is a celebration of our love -- you think that too don't you?"
"Of course. We're celebrating our anniversary with our friends and family and we're celebrating a time of joy -- remembering that wonderful day a year ago."
"Yes... but it's not for them -- it's for us. It's so that we can reflect on how much our love means to us, not just on the anniversary but every day that we have together. We're celebrating with them but this day is about us. Every day we're together is about us."
The two of them came together and Michael examined Ben's face, looking for the real meaning behind that little speech. Was Ben trying to let Michael know that it was okay if he hadn't prepared a speech for the party? Was he telling him something else? The search appeared fruitless; Michael couldn't gauge what was going on behind those luminous sky-blue orbs. He accepted Ben's tender kiss and warm embrace and decided to just let the evening take its course.
People began arriving and Michael still had a feeling of uncertainty in the pit of his stomach. He was imagining Ben standing up before the gathering and presenting paragraph after paragraph of poetic, lyrical words that dripped off his tongue effortlessly and seemed to capture every moment, every touch and every emotion they had ever endured and holding their audience captive as they listened with great pleasure and coveting Ben's natural ability to speak and express his heart's desires.
Brian helped Emmett open a few bottles of champagne and they made sure everyone had a glass to help toast the happy couple. Ben and Michael made their way to the top of the room and soon all eyes were upon them. Ben looked at Michael with only the purest of love and adoration shining through his baby blues and Michael's stomach knot that had felt like a herd of butterflies (or whatever stupid name they give to a collection of butterflies) began to dissipate with the realization of no matter what he said here tonight, Ben would know how much Michael loved him and always would.
Michael nodded to Ben to go and address the gathering first. Ben took Michael's hand in his and began.
"Firstly Michael and I would like to thank you all for being here and sharing this special celebration with us. When we decided to have the party it was more about just coming together and celebrating this happy event in our lives and sharing it with our loved ones. I asked Michael to prepare something to present tonight and for each of us to express how we felt... it seemed easy enough at the time." (A titter of nervous laughter went around the room).
Ben continued "I have to say though that it became one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life." (Ben squeezed Michael's hand tightly and Michael looked up at the handsome face of his husband and he saw the flush of light pink on Ben's cheeks and the glistening in his eyes.)
"So here goes... Michael, words cannot begin to touch on the depth of my love for you and I'm not even going to try. I could never tell you how much joy and love you have brought to my heart and I can only hope that with the passage of time that I can begin to show you how plentiful my heart is with the love I feel for you. That is my promise to you here and now, in front of all our loved ones -- that from this day forward I will continue to show you that love."
Tears spilled from Michael's eyes and Ben lowered his face to Michael's, taking his lips softly with his and transferring a minute piece of that unspoken love that filled Ben's heart.
The faces on the people gathered around them showed the truth of what Ben had said; they all could see the love, they didn't need to hear the words.
It was Michael's turn now. Ben felt somewhat nervous for Michael. He knew Michael had had a rough time trying to do this little exercise and somehow now Ben felt like he had cheated Michael by not really expressing how he felt.
Michael took a deep breath. "Um Ben knows I've had a hard time trying to express my feelings in words and putting them on paper... in fact I never realized just how hard that was. I imagined it would be so much easier for Ben -- he is after all the writer in this partnership but having heard his speech, I take so much away knowing it was hard for him too. Initially I didn't want to share my innermost thoughts with all of you; I felt somehow those thoughts should be just kept between Ben and me but I knew I had to say something."
Ben squeezed Michael's hand reassuringly. Michael looked out at the faces and saw tears in his mother's eyes. He saw Hunter beaming but with an underlying look of boredom on his face. He saw his friends and most of all he saw happiness and love. He reached into his pocket and took out a small box. He turned to face Ben.
Ben looked down at Michael and brushed away a single tear.
Another deep breath.
"Ben, I tried to think of ways of telling you how I felt but the words just never came. I tried to transport myself into a time of great joy in the hope that the words would come. I recalled so many beautiful memories but they never made it on to paper. I knew what I wanted to say; I knew I had to find words that somehow expressed my undying adoration and love for you and then I had a thought...You told me to write what I feel."
Michael opened the small box and inside sat a simple gold band.
"I know we exchanged wedding rings and this ring is to be worn on your other hand and I'm hoping that whenever you look at it you will know how much thought went into the inscription that I had put there this morning..."
He held the ring out for Ben to take. Ben sucked in air like he suddenly wasn't able to breathe and held the ring shakily. He turned it on its side and read the inscription:
ÔAbsolute love, liberating and unbinding -- my heart is yours.'
Michael slipped the ring on Ben's finger and kissed it gently. He said through tears "That is what I feel! (He turned to the well-wishers) Ah, if you don't mind, the inscription is for my husband's eyes only. You lot will just have to trust that I expressed my feelings as best I could."
A rousing round of applause sprang up around the room and tears flowed easily.
Ben took Michael into his arms and declared his love for him in a heavy whisper to his ear "I couldn't love you anymore than I do at this very moment Michael Novotny-Bruckner."
When Ben made love to Michael that night after the gathering disbanded, he kept his promise and showed Michael exactly how much love he had for him.
End of "Just Write What You Feel" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)