Lost In One's Own Nirvana

A Friday night at Babylon and a scene of mixed signals...

Ben pulled at the collar of his silver/blue shirt and straightened it in the mirror.

Michael appeared behind him smiling, "New shirt, your new jeans... Just who exactly are you out to impress tonight?"

Ben pulled a face and said glibly "If you must know, this happens to be my lover's favourite colour and I know he likes me in these jeans."

Michael groped at Ben's taut assets in his tight jeans and purred, "Mm, he does indeed like you in these..."

Ben growled throatily and the two of them kissed, quickly at first and then more deeply.

They left for Babylon at 9.30. It was Brian's birthday and it was his choice to party at Babylon, otherwise Ben and Michael were more likely to be tucked up on their sofa with popcorn and watching some old movie together. Brian was always joking that the two of them were like an old married couple when in reality they had only been living together a few short weeks but they were enjoying their "togetherness" in the apartment, living as a couple and they loved nothing more than spending quality time together, alone.

Michael spotted Justin and Brian coming in, closely followed by Emmett and Ted. Everyone said hello with hugs and kisses and Michael came together with Brian. They drew together into a tight hug and Michael wished his best friend a happy birthday. Ben felt the usual pang of undeniable jealousy as he watched his lover kiss his friend that way; but it was an emotion that Ben was working hard on releasing. The longer they were together, the more Ben realised that Michael harboured feelings for Brian, but that they were feelings that would never be reciprocated -- not because Brian didn't adore Michael, but because he did. Ben knew that Brian would never take things to that level with Michael, his best friend meant way too much to him to ever jeopardise that and that was the one thought that kept Ben grounded.

Having had to work through jealousy issues not too long ago from another angle, Ben was sure he didn't want to tread that path again any time soon. Having the unenviable task of explaining his one-time tryst with Brian was a difficult time and one that didn't leave their harmonious union without a chink in it. Although the 'incident' had now been put to rest, it would always be there, somewhere, somehow -- and not necessarily from Michael's point of view but from Ben's; knowing now as he did that Michael held feelings for Brian, Ben tried to put that titbit of information away safely, not enjoying or embracing the feelings that emerged from within; he had never been a jealous person before but he was realising that he never had a reason to be jealous in this way before, he didn't have Michael before.

Justin and Ted got a round of drinks and the gang headed up to the first floor landing to overlook the dance floor below. As they headed up two by two Emmett commented to Michael "Man, Ben looks ravishing! When you're done with him, can I please have a slice?"

Michael laughed when Emmett made suggestive moves with his hands as they moved up the crowded stairs behind Ben and Ted.

"Sorry Emm, I have no plans of ever being done with this one so you can look and enjoy but you can't touch, ever!"

Emmett pursed his shiny, over glossed lips into a pout, "Oh well, you can't blame a girl for trying!"

Once upstairs Brian and Justin headed to a corner to get down and dirty and Ted and Emmett moved to the railing to look down upon the hard-bodied Gods dancing below. Ted could only dream about having one of them scooping him up in an embrace and sweeping him onto the dance floor. It usually took Emmett three or four Shirley Temples before he got up the nerve to approach a prospect on the floor so it was too early for him.

Ben was letting the loud music wash over him and getting in the mood. He and Michael swayed together and let their bodies come into contact every so often just to sense the closeness and warmth emanating from their torsos. Michael saw his friends and realised how lucky he was; lucky to have Ben, but also lucky to have a guy in his life who loved him for who he was and not concerned with looks and all the shallow values that at least 98% of the guys in Babylon on any given night thought about. Then he saw Ted. Michael adored Ted and he wished that Ted would meet someone who was his 'Ben', someone to love him for who he was, someone to give Ted the confidence he needed.

Ben could feel Michael's shoulders tensing up; he pulled Michael in closer "What's up baby? You look serious."

Michael smiled up at his handsome lover, "I was just thinking... Hey, will you do me a favour?"

Ben was surprised by the request, he looked over at Ted and then back at Michael and asked "Is there a special reason you want me to do that?"

Michael shrugged his shoulders and said "I just want him to feel special; I want him to feel good about himself... I figure that if other guys see him dancing with someone like you, they might sit up and take notice for a change."

Ben was quietly embarrassed by the suggestion that Michael was making but the truth was, Ben would do anything for Michael and now was not the time to question that. He smiled down into the dark brooding eyes of his lover and said "Two songs and then I'm coming back for you!"

Ben slid up behind Ted at the railing and said in his ear "Come on cutie, come and dance with me!"

"You heard me... Please, come and dance. Michael isn't in the mood yet and I wanna get my groove on."

Ted looked over at Michael and Michael gave him the 'nod', not wanting Ted to even sniff that the suggestion came from him.

Ben led Ted down the grimy, sticky stairs and out on to the crowded dance floor. Emmett watched on with Michael. Brian and Justin made their way over also. Brian slid his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "The Professor doing some charity work I see?"

After the first song Ben warmed up and slid open the top buttons on his shirt revealing a glistening chest. Ted was oblivious; he was just caught up in the music and the overwhelming pressure to 'perform' within the masses. When the second song finished Ben stayed where he was, he was lost in the rhythm shuddering through his body and unbeknown to him he was being watched, not just by Michael and the rest of his crew, but by a guy propped at the bar.

Michael's plan was working, a couple of guys had managed to slide their way into the safe space between Ben and Ted. Michael smiled at his own genius. Because Ben was off in his own world, the guys flowed into Ted's pathway and pretty soon the three of them were their own dance party. Ben was left dancing alone, or as alone as one could be in a sea of half-naked guys on a Friday night at Babylon.

Ben unbuttoned the rest of his shirt and slipped it off; soon it was tucked into the waist of his jeans, his rock hard chest gleaming in the hazy smoke-filled arena. The music pounded and the lights crashed on and off, bringing one's eyes to a harsh reality that Babylon really was a dingy dive but jam packed with enough testosterone to keep even the most closeted gays coming back for more week after week after week.

Ben was feeling hot and thirsty and somewhere in the haze he thought of going to the bar to get some much needed water but he was set upon by a shadowy figure who had his hands on Ben's bare waist before he could adjust his eyes to the lighting show, having had them closed for most of the preceding song. The guy's body was moving in unison with Ben's and Ben didn't dislike the rhythm going between them. When he finally adjusted to seeing his new dance partner it wasn't an unpleasant surprise, but for Michael, who was still watching from the balcony he would have preferred if Ben had recoiled at that moment.

He saw Ben smile and he took particular note of how well they fitted together, same height, same build and same amazingly hot bodies. The stranger's bare chest was way too close to Ben's for Michael's liking and he felt his stomach churn over. Brian's interest had been peaked now and he moved alongside Michael, more or less pushing Justin aside.

Michael pushed Brian away from him and continued to watch Ben rocking in and away from the stranger's looming body. His dark eyes were narrowing to slits and his teeth were grinding slowly.

Ben studied the man's face and took in his physique but it didn't jog his memory. "Ah, no, sorry."

Dan smiled and held Ben's hips and let his own grind against Ben's. Ben was uneasy; not only because this guy was getting dangerously close and even more, dangerously suggestive, he was still stuck on this 'Dan' thinking that he should know who he was.

Emmett came back from the bathroom and hollered down to Ted who was now grinding it up with one of the two guys who had snapped him away from Ben's dance circle. He couldn't believe how happy Ted looked. He hugged Michael to him and squealed "Oh honey, you did it... look at our boy go! He's lusting and he's gyrating and if I'm not mistaken, our boy's gonna get lucky tonight!"

Michael's face grimaced and it was then that Emmett saw Ben, doing some grinding of his own. He looked over at Brian who was completely enthralled in the Ben show down below, and not appearing to care one iota for his best friend's feelings being hurt. Emmett took Michael's hand, sneered at Brian and said "Honey, he's just dancing... You know it doesn't mean anything!"

Michael's eyes didn't leave the scene occurring below; he watched as Ben continued to dance, more or less in the same spot but he watched as the other guy made his way into Ben's dance space, over and over, with precise moves aimed at getting Ben's body in contact with his but Ben wasn't stopping him or discouraging the moves.

Ben had had enough, he needed that water and he needed it now. He excused himself from Dan and headed for the bar. He pulled his shirt back on and opened his water bottle. He was a third of the way through it when Dan sidled up beside him. Ben smiled "I have to get back to my friends; thanks for the dance."

"Ben... obviously you don't recognise me and that's okay but I'm not trying to scare you off; can't I buy you a drink?"

"So where do I supposedly know you from, because you have me baffled. I'm sorry, I don't like playing games."

Michael's heart was thumping inside his chest, seeing his lover at the bar now talking to the hot guy who had not too long ago been pressing his hard abs up against Ben's. Michael had a sinking feeling inside and he wasn't sure he wanted to know how this night was going to end.

Emmett leaned in, "Honey, go down there and whisk him away. Get his ass onto the dance floor and make him see you're the only person in this place!"

"Honey, they're just talking! For God's sake Michael, will you just get down there!"

Brian chimed in, "Yeah Mikey, go on... I'm sure the Professor would welcome the interruption." Emmett shot Brian a look that warned him to back off and Brian did just that, not wanting the wrath of Emmett upon him; he didn't think he could cope with the shrill piercing screams as Emmett cussed him out. He took off with Justin.

Down below Ben said with slight annoyance, "Okay, so you think you know me and you're assuming I know you but I'm sorry, I just don't."

Ben's head tilted back at the apparent recognition from this guy and his apparent lack of the same. He shook his head and muttered, "I'm sorry... I just can't place you."

"Dan Engels, I work in the library. I'm usually the guy you come and see when you have problems with the computers in the teacher's lounge."

Ben's face lit up when he realised that the guy standing in front of him was indeed Dan from the campus library, a guy who had helped Ben out on a number of occasions and a guy who was always really polite and courteous and never made Ben feel stupid for jamming up a computer more often than not.

"No reason why you should! It's not every day you see me with my clothes half off, with glitter adorning my body and a haze of smoke wafting around me like a beaten up aura!"

Michael's patience was wearing thin, now Ben was laughing and obviously having a good time with this guy. Michael couldn't feel any more disappointed and left out if he had tried. His eyes stung, whether it was from threatening tears or from the gritty smoke that was blurring his vision he wasn't sure but he was sure that he was not enjoying this evening as he thought he might have.

Ben laughed, "Well I apologise for stepping back and assuming you were trying to hit on me; I see now it wasn't a line after all."

"Yep, he's up on the balcony with friends. You should come meet him and say hi."

"I'd like that; at least then I can put a face to the name when you talk about him from now on."

Ben smiled and nodded. He led Dan to the ever crowded stairs leading up to his group and to his lover.

Ben pointed over to the railing, signalling to Dan that's where they were headed. Michael heard the familiar "Hey baby..." but he wasn't about to flip a switch and act as though nothing was going on. He wasn't sure what Ben was up to, but he didn't like it one little bit.

Dan smiled at Ben and Ben realised that something was going on; he pulled a face and slunk up next to Michael. He slipped his strong arm around Michael's waist and pulled him into him. Michael reluctantly stayed where he was and he was trying not to be taken in by the aroma of Ben's aftershave mixing with his sweat, fuelled by a hot and heavy dance work-out.

Michael looked out but he couldn't see Ted anymore, obviously Ted was really having a ball! He said sulkily "My plan came to fruition about 8 songs ago!"

"Oh... is that why you're pissed, because I didn't come back like I said I would? I'm sorry baby..."

Michael rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'm pissed because you stayed out on the dance floor for an extra 6 songs, that's exactly it Ben!"

It was obvious by Michael's harsh tone that something more was going on than Ben had realised thus far. "Okay... so there's more to it... you obviously saw me dancing... is this what this is about? I danced with someone?"

Michael looked at him with cold eyes and more or less suggested with a look 'yeah Professor, good one, you worked it out!'

"Michael, this is Babylon... it's a dance club... guys come here to dance! I came here to dance. You do realise that's all it was don't you, a dance?"

Michael looked over his shoulder at the 'dance partner' Ben had decided to bring along for a meet and greet session and spat out "Yeah, only a dance... then why were you drinking with him at the bar and why is he here?"

Ben's mouth twisted to an uneasy gritted smile and said tersely "I brought Dan up here to meet you; and we weren't drinking at the bar, I was there getting some water... there is a difference."

"Whatever. I think it's time I left; the birthday boy is off having his dick sucked by God knows who and I don't see much point in staying."

Michael was getting more annoyed by the second; did Ben really have to put him through this?

Ben motioned for Dan to come on over. Dan smiled and Ben said "This is Dan Engels..."

Ben's harsh demeanour softened and he said "Yeah, this is Michael. Michael, Dan works on campus, in the library."

Suddenly Michael felt very queasy in the stomach; he had probably just made a complete ass of himself and everyone around him knew it, including Dan Engels and more importantly, Ben.

Emmett had overheard the exchange; he suppressed the raucous laugh that was threatening to erupt from within and he quickly brushed up to Michael and said "Honey, I'm out of here... I'll give you a call tomorrow. Goodnight, see ya Ben."

Michael didn't get it; was that an inside joke? Ben laughed, "Yes, all right... You see baby, I didn't recognise Dan. I thought he was hitting on me and it wasn't until he told me where I should know him from that it clicked and fell into place! I've spoken to Dan so many times over the past months and he knows all about you! I feel so embarrassed that I didn't recognise him straight off."

Well Michael couldn't be more pleased about the situation; he cared naught that Ben had been embarrassed, it was music to his ears. He smiled warmly at Dan and then at Ben. Ben saw the light return to Michael's eyes and knew that life was good again.

Dan offered up over the loud din "Yeah, he talks about you all the time! You're a lucky man Michael!"

Just then some tall, dark and half-naked Greek-like God swept up beside Dan Engels and whispered something in his ear. Ben and Michael stood by and then Dan announced "Well if you two gentlemen will excuse me, it appears I'm needed back on the dance floor. Michael, it was great meeting you, finally... and Ben, I'll see you on campus! Enjoy the night boys."

Ben peered down into Michael's face and said warmly in his ear "You wanna get out of here?"

Michael nodded and quickly Ben led Michael down the stairs, headed for the door where just hours before they had entered ready for a night out with friends. Who knew the night would take so many twists and turns?

Ben had Michael pinned against the inside of their front door before he could even turn the light on.

Ben laughed, almost too easily, "Michael, come on! Tell me you weren't livid. Tell me you weren't standing up there on that balcony and ready to rip me a new one! I saw the look on your face... You thought I was up to something with Dan."

Michael couldn't look at Ben, he wanted to laugh and try and make a non-issue of it but he also wanted to tell Ben that yes, he was indeed jealous and yes, he was livid but he didn't want Ben thinking he was so insecure that he would be so jealous over every guy that paid him some attention.

"Michael? Talk to me. I know we're not kidding here now, you obviously felt threatened somehow and I don't want you to ever feel that way."

"I feel ridiculous. I was so angry, so pissed... I couldn't believe you were flirting with that guy -- right there -- in front of me. All kinds of things were going through my mind; I was imagining you just up and taking off with him or just going out back with him, not even turning to give me a second glance. I was scared Ben."

"Michael, when I was out on that dance floor the only thing going through my mind was thoughts of you! I was lost in my own zone, in my own nirvana and I was at peace. I could barely hear the music; it was coursing through my body and I could sense the vibration of the thumpa thumpa but it was you who was consuming my thoughts. I was aware of people around me and I was aware of Dan Engels but my thoughts were of you. If you watched me closely I'm sure you could see me licking me lips, swaying to and fro... and you wanna know why? I was here, here with you ... in our bedroom, locked together with you, inside you! I was tasting you, I was consumed by you. Michael don't you know that I'm here for the long haul, that we're in this together; after everything we've been through so far -- that this is where I want to be, where I intend to always be."

Michael felt a shiver course through his body and he welcomed Ben enveloping his body. After a few long silent moments Michael pressed into Ben's body and said "I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough and I'm sorry that I felt the way I did."

"You don't have to be sorry baby, you just have to trust in us, in what we have and trust that it's for real and that it's for keeps."

Michael nodded and looked up at Ben. Ben's steel blue eyes flickered and his mouth softly became an inviting proposition as he lowered his face to Michael's. He took Michael's mouth with his and kissed him deeply, tenderly.

They moved as one toward the bedroom and Michael said cheekily "So, how stupid do you feel, not recognising Dan straight off?"

Ben burst out laughing and Michael took off at a gallop and threw himself on their bed.

They were soon both lost in their own nirvana, entwined as one and recommitting once again to their love that grew stronger each day.

End of "Lost In One's Own Nirvana"
Jannine: greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au
08/06/2007

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Lost In One's Own Nirvana

by Jannine