Summary: Emotions that take you away from reality and bring you back with a thud.
Archive Date: 12 March 2006
When Michael shifted for the umpteenth time in bed, trying to find a comfortable position -- it became apparent that he was disturbing Ben's restful sleep.
"Ben?" Michael asked questioningly, but already knowing that Ben was awake.
"Yes baby?"
"Sorry, did I wake you?"
"No not at all."
"Ben, do you ever think about what it would have been like... our lives I mean -- if we hadn't met when we did?"
Ben rolled over onto his side and tried to make Michael out in the darkness of their room. He eyed the clock beside Michael's lamp and grimaced wearily.
2.45am
"Michael, how long have you been lying here thinking about this?"
"I don't know... an hour I suppose. I couldn't sleep."
"Because you let your mind wander off and you get anxious and you fret. Remember what we talked about -- the relaxation techniques we learned."
"I know, but sometimes my mind just doesn't shut off; no matter how much I want it to, no matter how hard I try to shut it off. I'm sorry, you go back to sleep."
"I'm awake now baby -- talk to me."
Ever since Michael's Uncle Vic died, Ben knew that Michael had spent a lot of time wondering 'what if?' He tried to allay Michael's fears but every time Ben tried to broach the subject with him, Michael would shut him down and say something like "no, this is not about Uncle Vic -- I wasn't thinking about him" when it was quite obvious to everyone else that that is what it was exactly.
Vic was a huge part of Michael's life. He was the father that Michael never had. He was the person that Michael came out to; the person who helped Michael, who sat him down and talked for hours about being gay and about how normal it was to feel what he was feeling.
Vic was a tower of strength to both Michael and Debbie and when Vic got sick, really sick; they both really felt the loss -- from really deep down where pain can only hurt you and there is no release from it. No amount of bravado from either of them could hide their true sadness.
When Vic got better and began to live life again, Michael and Debbie each vowed to never take life for granted again. Debbie threw herself into her work; she made sure her 'family' was taken care of; a family which included half of gay Pittsburgh. Michael desperately wanted to help his mother and uncle and he did everything he could financially to assist when he was able. They had always taken care of him, and now it was his turn.
Eventually life got back to normal. They worked, they played, they loved, and they fucked. The people in Michael's life who knew him best knew instantly by looking at Michael's face that life was good again.
They were with Michael through all his ups and downs. They stayed when Vic got sick. They stayed when he met and fell for David. They stayed when he realised his mistake and came back home when it didn't work out with David. No judgements, no reprisals. The people that mattered most to Michael were always there for him.
As Michael listened to Ben's breathing, he strained to make out shapes in the dark. A moonbeam caught the frames on Ben's glasses beside the bed and Michael was taken back to that day in the comic store when Professor Ben Bruckner entered his life.
His mind filtered through all the good times and the not so good times as his eyes grew steadily more tired. Michael drifted off to sleep around 3.25am. His last thoughts were of a very sad day; a day he had to walk into the Liberty Diner and inform his mother that her brother, his uncle, had passed away.
Saturday -- their special time. Michael clumsily crawled out of bed. He spotted the lime green digits on the clock and did a double-take when he saw 9.37. He heard noises from outside the bedroom and it was then his nostrils recognised the familiar aromas. Ben was cooking a wonderful feast; a custom that had become their new Saturday ritual. Michael got to sleep in; Ben cooked and they talked -- really talked.
Michael splashed cold water on his face and ran his fingers through his belligerent bed hair, ready to fight him at every turn each time he tried to smooth a spike in the opposite direction it wanted to go. He pulled on his robe and made his way out.
"Good morning gorgeous!" Ben was his usual affable self and smiled at the grumpy, still not quite awake face of his adorable beau.
A soft and lingering kiss across the table and Ben set Michael's breakfast in front of him. He placed some fresh juice beside the plate and gave Michael's shoulder a gentle squeeze.
"You had a very restless night baby; anything you want to talk about?"
"Not really; I just couldn't sleep. I'm sorry I woke you -- but you obviously went back to sleep easily and you didn't stir after that."
"What about you? Did you get to sleep?"
"At some point yeah. I remember thinking back to the day we met; and thought about all the wonderful times we had and the not so wonderful -- before I came to my senses -- and I must have drifted back off to sleep."
Ben smiled warmly. "I'm glad. I hate when you can't sleep. Were you thinking about Vic?"
Michael sipped his juice and he became aware of it sliding down past his Adam's apple and then sticking in his throat like super glue. He swallowed some more of the liquid and hoped it would push the first lot down. He tried to speak.
"I know you think I need to move past this and I am trying but sometimes it's just really hard."
Ben was somewhat surprised at Michael's tone. He looked out over his glasses and tried to read Michael's face; trying to discern where the abrasive nature was arising from.
"Michael, I don't think that at all and I'm surprised you would think that. Vic has only been gone a few weeks and I know how much you miss him. You're going through the grieving process and I understand that, completely."
"I'm sorry; I guess I'm just tired. Forget it."
"No, I think it's more than that. If you're having concerns about this I want you to talk to me about them. Didn't we promise each other a few weeks back to be completely open and honest with one another? I'd like to think that this is the perfect opportunity for us to do just that."
"We promised each other that because you thought I was still pissy about finding about you and Brian fucking and I thought you were still pissy because I had spoken to David on the phone."
Ben became defensive. "Oh. I thought we promised each other that because we loved one another and didn't want to keep things from one another and that it was the best thing for our relationship. Obviously we got our wires crossed."
"Obviously!"
Michael got up harshly from the table and did a bunk towards the bedroom.
"Where are you going? Are we not going to talk about this?"
Michael began pulling clothes from the dresser. Ben appeared in the doorway.
"What the Hell is going on here Michael? When you woke me at 2.45 this morning, you wanted to talk. You were frightened and you were anxious. I'm sorry I fell asleep; is that what this is about? You're annoyed because I couldn't stay awake."
Michael pulled on some sweats and picked up his shoes. Ben followed him out and watched as Michael sat on the sofa and did his running shoe laces up.
"Michael -- talk to me."
When Michael got up and headed for the front door, Ben abandoned all hope of them resolving whatever it was that had suddenly come between them. Michael needed to get out of there and he was in no mood for Ben's questioning. He let him go.
Michael ran and ran and ran until he couldn't run any more. His side ached from a stitch; his eyes stung from the beads of sweat dripping from his brow and his hands were trembling. He didn't know where all this anger had come from.
On his long return journey home, Michael had time to think.
When he walked through the door and saw Ben sitting at the desk marking papers his heart skipped a beat. He had never meant to hurt Ben -- he loved Ben, with every fibre of his being.
He peeled off his sweaty running top and wiped his red hot face with it.
Ben said coolly "Have a good run?"
"Ben -- I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into me... Well, that's not quite true. At first I didn't realise but on my way back home I had time to nut this all out in my mind and I think I know what's going on."
"And are you going to share that with me or is there going to be another blitz attack and a storming out?"
"I want to talk to you, if you'll let me."
Ben turned from the desk to face Michael. "I'm listening."
Michael sat on the arm of the sofa, just a couple of feet from Ben. Ben could feel the heat emanating from Michael's body after his arduous run.
"Firstly I need you to know that I'm sorry about what I said before -- about Brian and David and all of that. You were right, we did pledge to communicate and not keep secrets and we did it for the reasons you said and I'm sorry I lashed out the way I did."
Ben nodded but showed Michael he wasn't ready to forgive him completely yet.
"Ben... I think I realised something really important while I was lying in bed last night, not able to sleep. I realised how scared I am."
Ben was taken aback by Michael's declaration. Scared? Scared of what? He took in Michael's expression and realised for the first time since Michael walked in from his run that Michael was indeed scared. His posture, his eyes, his face, his voice -- everything screamed it -- why hadn't Ben seen it until now?
Ben hand went out and took Michael's. He held it gently against Michael's leg and let Michael continue.
"I um... I realised that I'm scared of losing you. I know that you talk about 'living in the now' and I really do try hard to do that but I think Vic's death has really bounced me and I'm not sure what to think anymore. I'm sorry I've pushed you away. You've been there this whole time; you knew something was wrong -- even before I knew." "Yes I did but you needed to realise that yourself Michael -- and now you have. I know you're scared and it's understandable. Vic was very much a part of your life and you miss him and that grief is manifesting itself in your thoughts about our future, about my future. Michael, there are no guarantees, you know that as well as I do and in time you will learn to live with that concept but right now you're hurting and you need time to heal. Try not to think too much -- that's the best advice I can give you right now."
Michael smiled and took Ben's hand in both of his and said "Do you still love me?"
"Would you like me to show you just how much?"
Michael nodded enthusiastically and they stood up as one.
Ben was the ever attentive lover. He made Michael's fears dissipate with a simple touch, a soft and gentle kiss. During their amorous display of love Ben took Michael to the brink of emotion; he had him wavering over the threshold of danger -- not knowing whether to let go and just be free or to sense the danger and try to stay confined, stay safe. Michael chose to leap and suffer whatever consequences came his way.
They explored one another's bodies, acquainting themselves with the parts of their bodies that needed to be soothed and cajoled. When Ben eventually entered Michael, giving him time to acclimatize to the trespassing of his sacred being he could sense that Michael's fears had been allayed for the time being. Michael gave himself completely to Ben, letting Ben house his love deep within Michael and he trusted him to take him beyond his wildest emotion, to allow him to retire from the sadness -- if only for a brief while.
They would get through this together.
End of "Making Up Can Be Hard To Do" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)