Realisations

by Jannine

Debbie busied herself around the kitchen, as she always had -- but more so since her son had met the man of his dreams and had become a less frequent visitor.

She heard the front door open and was happy, expecting that her son was calling by today.

"Deb?"

"Ben, honey, hi! I wasn't expecting to see you."

Ben smiled; he also noted the sadness that filled Deb's motherly eyes.

"I know... Michael got caught up at the store with a new shipment and he knew I was in the area, so he asked me to pick up the box for the charity drive."

"Well aren't you the sweetest! Um, can I tempt you with some homemade lemonade, I just made it."

"Sure, I'd love some. I hear it's legendary!"

"Well I don't know about that, but Michael sure likes it."

Ben sat comfortably at the small dining table and watched Debbie as she prepared a tray.

"Deb, can I tell you something?"

"Sure honey, you can tell me anything."

"I just wanted you to know that I feel so at home here; like I get a sense of Michael here, his history, his youth... the house is filled with him, with his aura. I love to be here."

Debbie placed the tray down and touched Ben's cheek lightly and said "Honey, my house may not be a palace but I can assure you that I always made it the best home I knew how for my son and he always had a safe haven here. I'm happy that you sense that."

She poured his lemonade and added ice and handed him the tall glass. She had also presented him with a plate of homemade cookies; another token of affection made lovingly for her son no doubt.

"This is wonderful! I've heard the stories Deb, but they don't do it justice."

"I've tweaked it over the years... just something I learned. Maybe I'll teach you boys some day."

"Awesome."

Debbie and Ben had never really had long in-depth talks before and for some reason Ben felt today was the day that that may change; he sensed something in Debbie, perhaps that she needed to talk.

He polished off a cookie and said "Debbie, Michael always speaks so fondly of his childhood, like it was one big adventure. For you to make this home a safe haven for him is some achievement; for a skinny, shy, gay kid -- he sure as Hell needed a safe place. He wouldn't trade a moment of that life and he has you to thank for that."

Sadness took over Debbie's well worn face and Ben feared he'd said something inappropriate.

"Ben, I lied to Michael his whole life, that's hardly ‘mother of the year' material!"

"I know you think you hurt Michael and for a time he was thrown by the revelation of who his father was but Deb, at no time, never, did he ever think that you did what you did to hurt him. He came to understand how hard it must have been for you as a single parent, to make the sacrifices you made. You are way too hard on yourself. Your son loves you."

"I know he loves me and I know he's forgiven me but I don't find it easy to forgive myself. I robbed both Michael and Danny of the truth and that's something I've had to live with for the past 31 years; something I'll have to live with til the day I die..."

Ben took Debbie's soft hand in his and said "Deb, Michael and his father have the rest of their lives to get to know one another. You can't undo the past and there is no sense in regrets... we make choices, we just have to move on and look forward to tomorrow and what it may bring us. Michael lives with that concept and he looks forward to spending time with Danny, he holds no regrets."

"Well honey I hope you're right... and I hope that someday they can both truly forgive me and live without regret."

"You know what? Someday I want to have kids; it's something I've always known I wanted and if I can be half the parent that you've been to Michael, I'd be so proud. Don't you see the way he looks at you, how much he loves you and respects you? You not only did the best job you knew how for him, but what about Brian -- the way I hear it, you practically raised him too. You're a mother figure to an awful lot of people out there Deb and that's some achievement."

"Well thank you honey and I've seen the way my son looks at you too. When he came by here a few days ago to tell me about your news he was beside himself with excitement, I thought he was going to burst!"

Ben laughed, "I know... He still hasn't wiped the smile of his face. We're both happy about the change of plans."

"I have to say I was very surprised when he told me you put off your plans and you were staying put."

"Well, let's just say that someone had some very wise advice for me and I will be eternally grateful..."

"Are you sure that ‘someone' didn't open their big fat yap where it wasn't wanted as usual and made you feel guilty?"

Ben laughed, "No, I definitely didn't view the conversation like that. Deb, I want to thank you."

"Yeah right! Big loud mouthed Deb handing out advice!"

Ben shook his head, "No, seriously... you made me see, you made me open my eyes to what I had here. I know how worried you were about Michael when I arrived on the scene and after that crap I pulled with the birthday surprise... but later, when I got sick... you'll never know how much I appreciated you and the fact that you stood by Michael, by both of us..."

"Well that's my job Ben, I'm his mother."

"No, it was more than that... you certainly didn't have to stand by me -- you didn't owe me that, but you chose to put aside your feelings and you did what you had to for the sake of your family, your son."

"It's not that I didn't adore you Ben... I knew how much Michael loved you, I saw it in his eyes every time I saw the two of you together, every time he said your name, every time the phone rang and he wanted it to be you on the other end. It broke my heart to think of him getting hurt but at some point I realised that I had to stop being so selfish and just accept fate; my son was in love and that wasn't going to change. I'm just sorry it took you getting sick to make me realise what I had to do."

Ben touched Debbie's hand lightly and said "We all faced realisations at that time; I faced my own worse demons... I thought that was it for me; that I'd keep getting sicker and sicker and that my life as I knew it was over and that this illness had stripped me of the only real happiness I'd ever known. Michael had to face the reality of the position he put himself in, to be involved with a positive partner... we all had crosses to bear Deb and we all came through."

"Yes we did... and I'm so glad!"

"Me too. Deb, when I got out of the hospital and I wanted to take off for Tibet and have my spiritual journey I really did think it was the best thing for me, but also for Michael..."

"I know that honey, but like I told you then, he's tough -- you weren't doing him any favours by walking away. The only thing that would have accomplished would be for his heart to be broken, again, and to rob him of the only real love he'd ever known."

Ben's eyes filled with threatening tears; his only real love.

Debbie saw Ben thinking her comment through, she took Ben's hand in hers and patted it knowingly; "Ben, he always loved Brian but it was a different kind of love -- you know that. David... well David was a person that Michael needed at that point in his life; it didn't work out and they moved on. It was good for him when he needed it to be and then when it wasn't so good, he had the sense to walk away -- or he got pushed, I've never really been sure... but the point is, all that stuff is what makes Michael him! And now, you're a part of him -- a huge part of him and I've never seen him so in love, so full of love and so full of life. He has you to thank for that."

Ben bit back tears and said "Thank you for saying that... that means so much to me. I am so grateful that you spoke up when you did, and I thank God every day that I didn't take that trip... I feel closer now to the awakening that I was hoping to experience in Tibet, every time I look at Michael my heart leaps and I know I made the right decision. I'll never take him or his love for granted Debbie; you have my word on that."

"I've always known that honey. I knew from the start that this love was bigger than both of you would ever come to realise; you're like two halves of the one coin -- one doesn't exist without the other. I see my son daydreaming sometimes and I know without asking him that you're the reason he has that smile on his face, that shine in his eyes... he feels blessed each and every day for the moment that you walked into his life and I know it scares him silly to even dare think that someday he'll lose you..."

Ben's eyes clouded over. He tried to speak but words didn't come.

"But honey... realistically, this illness doesn't even have to play a part in that fear. He would feel the same if you broke up for some other reason; you could be crossing the road and get hit by a bus -- God forbid -- you could... well, you get my drift... its just the pure love that fills him that scares him so much and he never wants to let go of that."

Ben nodded, knowing that Debbie was right. No one's time on this Earth is assured, each of us could go at any given moment and that made his philosophy of ‘living in the now' even more appropriate.

"Ben, I want you to live your lives to the fullest; be the best men you know how to be; achieve all the wonderful goals you choose to dream about, strive for the things that mean the most to you. Never lose sight of the fact that this life is a gift and each of us has a duty to ourselves to live it, enjoy it, grab it with both hands and just swing on a star! If my time on this Earth ended tomorrow I could be happy in the knowledge that my son has everything he ever dreamed of and I know that you'll be here for him. By the same token, you know Michael always has me and that kid will fight tooth and nail to hang on to what he wants and you my friend are all he needs."

Ben smiled warmly, he had never heard Debbie talk quite so eloquently before and it occurred to him that Michael was just like her; each of them came across as very inexperienced talkers and didn't believe they had much to offer but when it came down to it, each of them had a heart as big as Texas and could share their wisdom through words as well as anyone he knew; they just had to be passionate about the subject matter.

Just then they heard the front door open. Michael bounced in happily.

"Hey!"

"Michael honey! I thought you were tied up at the store?"

"I was... but I thought fuck it; the stock can wait!"

He kissed Ben lightly and hugged his mother hello. He saw the lemonade and cookies and said cheekily "You gave my lemonade and cookies away?"

Debbie "Sit down; there's plenty to go around."

Michael took a seat next to Ben and happily watched as his mother got him a glass of the cool drink and he grabbed for a cookie.

"So what have you two been finding to talk about?"

Ben looked at Debbie but she didn't offer a response.

Michael laughed "Oh, I see... you were talking about me!"

Ben smiled, "Actually we spoke about a lot of things. Your name didn't really even come up."

Debbie smiled enthusiastically, enjoying the game, "Ben and I found lots to talk about and basically you didn't factor into it."

He nibbled his cookie and sipped his lemonade. "Okay. Well I'm glad to see my 2 most favourite people in the world sitting and chatting over lemonade and cookies. It warms my heart."

Ben and Debbie both smiled, each of them thinking about Michael and seeing the cheeky boyish grin and knowing that life was good. His smile was enough to make anyone rejoice in the day given from above.

As they were leaving some time later, Ben hugged Debbie and said quietly in her ear "Thank you for caring about me. And thank you for your son."

She touched his cheek lightly and said "Thank you for touching my son's heart."

Ben picked up the box of things for the charity drive and Michael said impatiently "Come on Ben... its fucking hot out here, I'm melting! See ya ma!"

Both Ben and Deb rolled their eyes; okay, so he wasn't perfect but he was all theirs.