Summary: Michael had pushed his thoughts and feelings way down after the bombing and was finding it difficult to reach those feelings again...
Archive Date: 26 July 2006
"You're doing really well Michael... I know it's not easy."
"I just find it really hard to talk about some of this stuff."
"I know. Believe it or not, not too many people are comfortable doing this. You're not alone in that regard. And you're getting really good at it too!"
Michael smiled weakly. "Well I guess talking to a psychiatrist doesn't evoke much confidence in people, but yeah, I feel like I'm getting stronger as well."
"Ah but... if you really think about it -- it shouldn't be that bad at all. My job is to be a professional listener -- to hear what you have to say, to be a sounding board. I am not here to judge you or even dispute anything that you tell me so you really should find confidence in the fact that whatever you tell me is actually something you feel the need to talk about, feel comfortable about -- giving you back control."
Michael took in everything that Dr White had just said. It seemed plausible.
"Where was I?"
"You were telling me why the bombing had such a profound effect on how you now view your past life with David and your life with Ben and to some degree Hunter as well."
Michael shifted uneasily in his chair. He took a deep breath as if to summon up the courage he needed to continue with his innermost thoughts -- thoughts that he considered demons up until recently. He had pushed his thoughts and feelings way down after the bombing and he was finding it very difficult to reach those feelings again, to touch them -- to make them tangible again.
Ben had asked Michael to see a therapist; he knew that Michael was having troubles in that area and he knew Dr White could help him. Dr White had helped Ben come to terms with his HIV status years earlier. He had every confidence that Michael would gain much benefit from some interaction.
"When I got home from hospital and Ben told me there was an envelope from David I didn't know what to think. I assumed he had heard about me being hurt and just wanted to send a "Get Well" card so initially I thought it was a nice gesture. There was so much going on in my head at that point that I welcomed a blast from the past -- something that took me back instead of forward... Somehow I knew it would be easier to go back than it was going to be to go forward."
"That's very understandable Michael; you had a lot of pain and rehabilitation to look forward to in the immediate future, both physically and emotionally. You felt safe in going back, to seek some comfort there."
"But that's what I don't understand. I was so angry at David for a very long time -- we didn't part on very good terms and we had a non-existent relationship for a long time afterwards. It was only because of his son that I had any contact with him at all. Why would I seek comfort from him at this time in my life?"
"That's something only you can answer Michael; I have no idea why these thoughts have been awakened in you. Can you walk me through how you were feeling when you first got home from the hospital? Maybe the answer lies there..."
"I remember thinking my life seemed so empty. Ben was there; Hunter was there; my mother was there; all my friends were there but somehow I felt very alone and very empty. They would crowd around me, hover over me -- and I remember thinking I wanted time alone -- to be on my own but I knew I couldn't push them away... they had all been so scared for me, concerned for me -- it didn't seem right to ask them to take a step back."
"It may have been right for you Michael -- not for them perhaps but for you?"
"Yeah, I probably should have listened to myself instead of worrying about what everyone else would think -- I have a tendency to do that -- always have."
"Okay, so you came home from the hospital feeling smothered and needing time alone but you continued to let everyone do what you thought was the right thing by them? Ben gave you an envelope from your ex-lover, a man that had not been in your life on any real level for over 4 years... Let's pick it up there?"
"I didn't open it at first; I didn't feel an overwhelming need to know what David was thinking at the time. I had been out of my home for weeks, all I really wanted was to reconnect with Ben again -- with Hunter again... with our life again. They'd been to the hospital every day but somehow being back in our home with them made me feel further away from them, disconnected somehow. That first couple of days I felt like a complete stranger in my own home -- I felt weird being around Ben and I couldn't let him touch me, hold me. Hunter was keeping his distance and that was fine by me."
"You didn't have to push him away; he was doing that for you?"
"Yeah and I didn't pay any attention to that -- but when I look back now, I think about how insensitive I was to his needs, to how he was feeling. I didn't know the bombing and my getting hurt had disturbed him as much as it did."
"I understand Hunter is getting his own counselling now?"
"Yeah, Ben knew something was up from the beginning. He gave Hunter a couple of weeks but he didn't come out of it so he sat him down. Hunter had been having nightmares and was getting really depressed and edgy."
"Hunter wasn't around at the time of the bombing was he?"
"No. He'd left our home and had been gone for about 4 months when it happened. He heard about the blast and came home as soon as he could." "Ben seems to think that Hunter feels a terrible sense of guilt, because he wasn't there."
"He thinks that if he'd been there, if he hadn't run out on us when he did that somehow that could have prevented what happened... he knows logically that doesn't make sense, but in his mind it's very real."
"Well Hunter is getting the help he needs now, as you are. So, you felt some distance between yourself and Ben?"
Michael blinked away thoughts of Hunter, so as to return to his original thoughts that had brought him to that place in time.
"Yes -- and I still don't quite grasp how you can be in the same room with a person and still feel a million miles away. I would sit and look at him from across the room and I would see the same beautiful man I fell in love with, the same man I married; I saw the love in his eyes and in everything he said and did but for some reason it wasn't enough; sometimes I just wanted to scream at him to get the Hell out -- like I couldn't bear to look at him for another second. I fought those urges because deep down I knew I didn't really feel that way."
Dr White just nodded, not wanting to interrupt Michael's train of thought.
Michael took another deep breath and concentrated on a particular spot in the painting that hung behind Dr White's desk, a technique Ben had taught him in order to remain focused when it was needed. It worked.
"When I eventually opened David's envelope I wasn't even aware it was from him. I had received dozens of cards and letters from people all over -- people who cared enough about what happened to actually send me wishes to get well and to express their anger and sadness about the bombing. I began reading it and it actually brought tears to my eyes ... It seemed so deep and so genuine and I was actually very touched that someone, presumably a stranger, had shared their innermost thoughts with me. I read how this person had been touched by love only to have it taken away; how they regretted every angry word ever spoken between them and their loved one; how their life seemed meaningless and empty now... then it wasn't making sense anymore. I didn't understand what this person was telling me -- how it related to my being injured in the bombing. A few paragraphs were skipped over in a glaze and I finally read the name at the bottom of the third page, David. I stared at that one single name and then it dawned on me that I knew the signature to be his, my David's. I shoved the letter away and my head started pounding. I remember needing air. I just walked. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving."
"Ben must have been very worried."
"He was frantic. He found me about 20 minutes later; I had walked to a nearby park and I was just sitting on a park bench. At first he was angry and laid into me for just walking out like that but he soon calmed down and made me promise never to do that again. He let me sit without asking questions, without needing an explanation and I didn't want to give him one; I don't think I had one to give him.
We went home and I saw that Hunter had cleared away all the cards. He had assumed that reading the cards and letters had been the thing to upset me and make me walk out so he put them away. I remember snapping at him, demanding to know where he had put them. He got the bag that he had stuffed them all into and handed it to me. I went into our bedroom and I shut the door. I sat and looked at the bag on the bed for almost an hour. I eventually opened it and sought out David's letter. I started reading it again, with fresh eyes and a clear mind, now that I knew it was from him."
"Did it make any more sense the second time?" "Yeah, kind of. He was scared when he wrote it, I knew that much. He was in pain and he was lonely. He had poured his heart out to me and wanted me to know how very much he was still hurting about us and about how things ended between us. In one of the paragraphs that I had skipped over before, he wrote that he was telling me all of this because the bombing had taught him, had shown him, that if nothing else, life was too short to waste on petty feelings of jealousy, of hatred, of longing. He wanted me to know that he loved me and that he would always love me but that he had let me go and that he wished me nothing but love and happiness with Ben and Hunter. I broke down sobbing... I don't really even know why... up until that moment I hadn't ever cared how David felt about me -- not now. I couldn't care less if he was happy for me or if he was glad to know that I had met and fallen in love with someone; that I was happily married and had a foster kid. But suddenly it made me feel very free, very enlightened... Somehow I felt as though my life had completed its circle."
"That must have been a nice feeling?"
"It was a strange feeling. I remember taking out an old photo of David and looking at it; like really looking at it and for the first time in over 4 years I was able to look at his face without feeling anger, hatred, rejection, sadness, bitterness... all I felt was love and calmness."
"So reading David's thoughts and feelings put your own feelings into perspective?"
"Yes... I assume so. I think I had a lot of time in the hospital to think about my life, past and present and somewhat into the future as well. I never regretted my time with David, only how it ended. I was always angry at myself for letting it get to a point where we hated each other -- how futile that all was. It made our time together seem pointless and I knew that not to be true and after reading his letter it confirmed for me that my love for David, and his love for me, was indeed real and it wasn't pointless -- it served a purpose and now it was time to move on -- to leave the anger behind."
"A very wise sentiment I would think."
Michael smiled, a real smile -- for the first time in days.
"I haven't done it yet, but I do plan on writing him back and expressing all of this to him -- in the hope that it may give him some closure like he did for me."
"A noble gesture. So Michael, did you talk about this with Ben?"
"Eventually. He knew something had obviously upset me and he began putting two and two together and came up with David. I gave him the letter to read. At first I thought he was angry at David for writing it and then angry at me for getting so worked up about it but I think it sunk in after the second or third read that David was really just putting our past behind him and trying to move on and I reassured Ben that I wasn't upset on any other level other than I was trying to put my past relationship with David into perspective, which I had managed to do. He seemed to accept that."
"Well if you're open and honest with Ben with your feelings and how you're reacting to things, he will accept it because he loves you and he only wants the best for you. He values your feelings and your feelings are what make you, you."
"He actually said that to me as well; maybe he learned that from you!"
Dr White smiled and let Michael reflect for a few moments before she opened up the next line of communication.
"So it has been a few weeks since that time. How has your relationship with Ben progressed since then?"
Michael moved uneasily and played with the seam on his pants for a few seconds and then slowly began, "It's hard for me to talk about this stuff now... For a long time I didn't think I'd be able to move past that feeling of dread; that feeling that somehow the special bond between Ben and me had been taken away. I desperately wanted our magic back; I wanted to be able to look at Ben and feel that awesome feeling in the pit of my stomach like I felt the very first day I saw him... I wanted him to be able to look at me and see the man he fell in love with."
"What makes you think that Ben doesn't see you like that Michael?"
"Because for the longest time I know when he looked at me he saw the man that got hurt in the bombing; he saw the pain I was in and he saw how much life had been ripped out of me. I would see him looking at me and that sparkle in his eyes wasn't there anymore and I felt so sad... sad that the accident had taken away his shine -- his spirit. Ben talks about living in the now and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future but I know after the bombing his concepts changed dramatically. How could we not think about the future; the future of our kids... our world changed forever the night that bomb went off and in ways I'll never understand, our lives forever changed as well. That split second of terror and realisation will be permanently with us, in our hearts and in our minds -- forever."
"Yes and I imagine a lot of people feel that way too Michael, but what in particular made you think that Ben had changed? How do you feel that he changed toward you?"
Michael stared off into the distance and in his mind's eye he could see Ben looking at him; his soulful black-framed sky blue eyes were piercing him and Michael felt a shiver go through his body. He finally spoke, "It wasn't any one thing... I knew how he was feeling because I felt it too... You have to understand that our relationship -- mine and Ben's relationship is built on trust and communication. We have to deal with his HIV status every day of our lives, whether we do it consciously or not, it is always there... when I got hurt in the bombing I knew right there and then that Ben was questioning our future together; how could he not?
I remember laying in his arms in our bed and just listening to him breathe; scared that some day I wouldn't feel that heartbeat and he would be gone from my life. I guess the bombing brought about feelings of my own mortality which in turn made me think more of Ben and his illness... I felt sick to my stomach having those thoughts and I knew I was betraying Ben's beliefs by thinking that way but one day... a few days later... he opened up to me in a way he never has before."
Michael eyes began filling with tears and Dr White could see he needed a moment to collect himself. She busied herself rearranging her notepad and changing pens and adjusting her glasses on her nose. Finally she prompted Michael to continue, "He opened up to you?" "Yeah... Ben told me that he had been having these dreams -- awful dreams that he couldn't shake. He'd been having them since the night of the bombing and they were really scaring him. I asked him why he hadn't told me about them before and he just started crying. When he was able to talk, he told me that the dreams were never clear in his mind; they were always shrouded in blackness; cloudy images that were never real. All he knew was that he woke with a terrible feeling of dread after each of the dreams and he knew that they had to mean something. I'd never seen him so scared of something so intangible."
"Was he able to elaborate on them anymore?"
"Eventually... A couple of weeks ago he had what was to be his last dream and it scared him more than anything else ever had in his life. He dreamed that I died... but it was more than that. He dreamed that the day he met me, a terrible blanket of black smog descended upon our town and everyone he knew and loved had been taken away from him -- he never saw them again. When the smog cleared and reality hit home that everything he'd ever known was gone, he saw me in the distance and somehow he knew our lives were meant to become one. He reached out for me and I recoiled and rejected him and that was the beginning of the end for Ben as he knew it..."
Dr White listened intently to Michael describing Ben's dreams and thoughts, very interested in where all this was leading.
"He knew for sure that he and I were meant to meet and were meant to have a life together but it ended that very first day. I didn't know what any of it meant and I asked him what he thought it meant -- what his interpretation of it all was... He told me that he felt like a death sentence was hanging over us because of his HIV status and that to start a relationship with me was just pure madness and borne out of selfishness. I got really upset that he could think those things, much less say them out loud. He apologised and got really angry and ended up storming out. I didn't know what to think and I was desperate to know what all of it was going to mean for us."
"Ben came back?" "He did, yeah... He apologised again and asked if we could sit and talk properly... with no interpretations of dreams, just an honest talk between him and me. That's all I really wanted, so of course I jumped at the offer. We curled up on our bed, drew the curtains and locked the door. He told me that his thought processes had been inexplicably altered from the moment that blast erupted at Babylon that night. He began sobbing and told me that he could no longer live in the now because living now meant he had to deal with hatred and bigotry and the pain that goes hand in hand with that and he said it was futile to live in the past because you can't change anything ... but he said his biggest sadness came from not wanting to live for the future because the future was now something he really dreaded; something that had come to mean such sadness for him... all of his beliefs had gone, died, the night of the bombing and he had been living with all of that emotion for all those weeks; not wanting to lay it all on me. We talked for a very long time and he cried so much... He kept apologising and I told him there was no need but he said he was sorry that he had cheated me out of his promises..."
"What promises were they Michael?"
"He once promised me that even though he couldn't guarantee me a future that he would always live each day in the hope of the next one and the next... and he felt he wasn't doing that. He told me that he had begun to dread the next day, fearing what it would bring and not wanting to know what it would mean."
"Were you able to allay his fears at any stage?"
Michael thought long and hard and smiled slightly, "I actually told him that our lives hadn't really changed that much. I wanted him to see that we still dealt with each day not really knowing what the next day would bring, which is how we had always lived our lives. Because of his HIV status, there was an unspoken vow that we each carried within us to live each day to the fullest; to always love one another and to cherish every day we got to spend together -- no matter how much we feared what the future might hold, we weren't allowing ourselves to dwell on that and that is how we got through each and every day; so to me, it didn't seem like much had changed -- only circumstances."
"So instead of grasping life with both hands and living it to the hilt because Ben's health would always be a constant reminder that you had no guaranteed future, you substituted those circumstances for a more reality-based one that life is short no matter how you look at it and that no one can afford to take life for granted because something out of your control, like the bombing, could see it end in a split second."
"Exactly! I got him to see that no matter what, we only had today and that was all we needed. He did eventually get back to his old self and I've noticed he has been so much calmer of late; I know he's meditating again and going to yoga classes and his spirituality is shining through again, brighter than before actually... I think he's going to be okay."
"And what about you Michael, do you think you'll be okay?"
Michael looked directly at Dr White and smiled; "Well I've been coming here for 6 weeks now and you've gotten me to open up in ways I never knew possible and I am so grateful to be able to express myself and really delve into my thoughts like this. It really helps when I need to talk to Ben because I gain so much courage from our talks and I know I can talk to him about anything now and I know he listens and really hears me. Our relationship is stronger than ever; Hunter is doing so well and we as a family are feeling so blessed... yeah, I know I'll be okay."
"Good, I'm so pleased. At this rate, you won't need me anymore... Let's make an appointment for next week?"
End of "Tangible Thoughts" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)