Summary: Ben recalls a very special moment in time; he reflects on life with Michael.
Rating: PG-13
Archive Date: 09 March 2006
Ben picked up the silver etched frame from the mantle and looked down into the soft brown, gooey eyes of his husband. He could stare at that picture forever.
He thought of the day the photo was taken.
It was the first time that Michael told Ben that he loved him. Ben could still hear the words trailing off Michael's shivering lips as if he were in the room at that very moment.
They had spent a lot of time together, not wanting to waste another moment. When Michael did his best to win back Ben, to win Ben's heart -- Ben didn't realise just how much he would grow to love Michael.
After a lot of soul searching, after many tears and after countless apologies and declarations, Michael finally opened up and told Ben the truth, the absolute truth. Michael loved Ben with his entire being, he couldn't love Ben any more than he did -- it wasn't physically possible. That was Michael's truth. It still is. Ben just wanted to hear it.
Ben touched Michael's soft cheek beneath the glass frame and recalled the conversation.
"Ben... your beauty is not something that can be measured... Oh crap, I didn't mean to get all soppy -- I just don't know where to begin. Okay, I'm not talking about your outer beauty -- because God knows every guy in town can see that and wants that; but I'm talking about this [Michael had reached out and trailed his fingers lightly over Ben's chest] -- I'm talking about your inner beauty, your love for life, your spirit that shines through in everything you do, in every word you say. That is what I fell in love with. That's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."
Ben was so enthralled with what Michael was saying that it didn't dawn on him at first that Michael had just declared his love for him. Ben remembered looking down and seeing this huge goofy grin break across Michael's face like he had just swiped the last mouthful of Ben's favourite ice-cream or something equally as cheeky.
Ben smiled down at Michael's face that was beaming back at him. Ben let his mind wander back. He had stood there and just stared into Michael's face, knowing that something momentous had just happened and didn't want to break the moment. Michael had spoken first.
"Ben, I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to get carried away. I've scared you off haven't I?"
Ben's head went back as he pictured the look on Michael's face at that moment; the moment Michael thought he had ruined everything. It was in fact quite the opposite as Ben recalls.
They were standing in 2 feet of snow and Michael's face was very pale and flushed across the bridge of his nose from the cold. They were holding each other's hands but because of thick snow gloves, no touch could be felt.
Michael had whipped off his glove when he wanted to touch Ben's heart with that beautiful gesture that Ben will remember forever. Ben's hand now went to his own chest reliving that touch. Ben took off his glove and held Michael's freezing hand in his own and tried to speak.
"Michael, you could never scare me off. Don't you know that by now?"
Ben remembered thinking that maybe Michael was the one who was scared; that he hadn't meant to say as much as he did; maybe he wanted to recant his declaration.
Ben sat on the arm of the big overstuffed chair in their living room and traced Michael's jaw line with his finger. Such a handsome face; too bad Michael didn't realise just how gorgeous he was. That was one of the reasons Ben fell in love with his beloved Michael; his humility, his simplistic (but not simple) take on life, his loyalty, his capacity to show love. These were qualities Ben had always dreamed of having in a life partner and he couldn't believe that Michael possessed all those qualities and then some.
"Oh, you say that now... but when you think about this -- you will start running and you will never look back!"
That was what Michael had said when he thought Ben's silence was a surety that Ben had not been willing to hear Michael's declaration of love.
Ben had to reassure Michael quite a lot that night, that he did feel the same way about Michael; but he had to do more than that. He had to show Michael; he couldn't have Michael thinking that he was only saying it because he had. That would never do.
Ben placed the photo back on the mantle and wrapped his arms around his own body, as if to shelter himself from the cold that they felt that night in the snow. He could almost taste the melting marshmallow that Michael swore would warm him up in no time. He ended up with a blister on the tip of his tongue. A small giggle escaped from Ben's throat at that memory.
That night after Ben had made love to Michael, he cradled Michael in his arms and placed the softest of kisses on Michael's mouth and said "I want to recite some words to you... I want you to hear them and I want you to remember them."
Michael had joked "Is there gonna be a quiz at the end of our weekend getaway?" "I'm serious Michael. I need you to hear these words and I want you to remember me saying them to you. It's very important."
"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm listening. Go ahead. I'm all ears. Go."
Ben couldn't see Michael's face fully in the dark but he just knew there was a stupid grin on his face and that he was dying to laugh out loud at whatever it was Ben was about to say. Ben pressed on anyway.
Ben's mouth suddenly felt very dry, his throat felt sticky and clogged and he didn't know if he could speak.
"I'm waiting Oh Man of My Dreams..."
Ben had smiled at Michael's silly nickname for him and he became aware of his mouth becoming moist again, enabling him to speak. He took in a couple of deep breaths and began.
"Love is just a simple word. Truth is easily lost. Sorry is said so easily and no one counts the cost."
There, he got the words out. The rise and fall of Michael's chest had steadied to a slow rhythmic beat and Ben swallowed hard, fighting the urge to shake his lover awake and make him listen some more. He decided to leave him be.
"Know I will always love you. Know that I will always tell you the truth and I will always be sorry if I ever hurt you and no one will count the cost more than me if I ever lose you."
Ben said what he wanted to say; it didn't matter that Michael had drifted off to sleep. There would be plenty of opportunities to tell him how he felt; to show him how he felt.
That night was 3 years ago. Tonight they were celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary.
Ben was still deep in thought, still focussed on the face of his husband and hadn't heard Michael come in. He got a start when Michael slipped his arms around his waist from behind and kissed his back while sucking in his odour as he always did.
"You look and taste good enough to eat."
Ben turned to face him and said "I'm sorry; I didn't hear you come in. I was in another place..."
Michael smiled, knowing Ben had been looking at that photograph. "Thinking back to our weekend in the snow? You really think fondly of that weekend away don't you? I remember freezing my ass off and getting bruised ribs when I fell off the side of that toboggan, but for some reason you think of it a lot more pleasurably."
Ben just smiled warmly at Michael; not wanting to have to say out loud what he recalled. Those memories had become very sacred to Ben and he enjoyed thinking back and he loved the feeling of his heart filling with joy as he remembered Michael's speech. It didn't matter to him that Michael didn't remember what happened that weekend.
Ben kissed Michael's cheek softly and said "You better hurry and change; our reservations are for 8.00."
Michael nodded in agreement and turned to head to the bedroom. Ben thought he heard Michael say something and said "What? Sorry baby, I didn't hear you."
Michael stopped in the bedroom doorway and said "Love is just a simple word. Truth is easily lost. Sorry is said so easily and no one counts the cost."
Ben's heart all but leapt through his pounding chest. "Are you serious? Oh my God, I can't believe this... you heard that... you've known all this time and you've never said anything."
Ben made his way over to Michael. Michael said "I was waiting for the right moment and I figured our 1st wedding anniversary seemed like a pretty perfect time to let my husband know that I have carried those words around with me for the last 3 years and how much I've cherished them and more than that, to let you know that I know you meant them then because you've spent the last 3 years living up to them."
"Oh, I love you baby."
"I love you too. Oh, and I have some words for you to remember now -- are you awake?"
Ben laughed out loud and then stifled a second wave of giggles. It was hard to contain his joy.
"A sacred love, a favourite heart -- a promise many years from now. Take a chance, caught in a trance -- hopes of not being alone."
The two of them drew together and their bodies melted into one single entity, neither wanting nor daring to let go.
They never did make it to the restaurant to celebrate their wedding anniversary; but they did find a way of expressing their love, deeply and most definitely satisfyingly.
End of "Truth, Beauty and A Picture of You" by Jannine (greenbeltave@optusnet.com.au)