Peace, Love and Understanding

By Kirsten

Summary: Ben and Michael work at the relationships in their lives.
Rating: R
Archive Date: 23 August 2006
Notes: Written as a follow-up to "Speak No Evil" (offline), "Golden Boy" and "Lives Are Like Rivers", following the same AU premise. Thank you to Batboy, Uuthrunthru, and Mikou from BenMikey_Fans for their blessing in allowing me to contribute to their AU series.

Chapter 1

Ben and Michael lay snuggled up in bed, talking quietly, catching each other up on what had happened during their 18-month separation. Michael told Ben about how crazy his second year at nursing school was, and how much harder it was because Ian had gone back to Holland. He confessed that he and Ian had become physical, within the terms of the agreement Ian had made with Theo, which had been a comfort while dealing with his and Ben's separation. Ben told Michael about Prague, and Josef, the fun but shallow summer fling. He told him about telling his parents about his HIV status and how they had all cried and reassured each other.

All of a sudden Ben sat up, and said, "Come with me."

Michael looked confused, saying, "Where?"

"Come with me next week to see my folks. They'd love to see you again, and will be thrilled to know that we're trying to make our relationship work again. Besides, I'd love to have your strength there to hold me together. Any chance you can get an extra day off of work to go out for a long weekend?"

Michael considered this request. He hadn't been at Children's Hospital for very long, but he was quickly developing a reputation as a tireless and loyal worker, so he might be able to swing something. "It's a little short notice, but I'll ask."

Fortunately Michael's boss was very supportive, especially when Michael explained why he needed the day off. The following Friday morning Ben and Michael caught a flight for New York. This trip found them at Gail and Dan's door in the early afternoon, instead of almost midnight, like the last time.

The front door swung open at almost the same time that Ben pressed the buzzer; his parents had obviously been looking for him. Tears flowed from Gail's eyes as Ben enveloped her in a warm embrace. Michael could see Dan in the living room over Ben's shoulder, looking a little teary-eyed himself. Gail finally released Ben, letting him come into the house, then quickly reached for Michael and hugged him as well.

"Michael, it's so good to see you again. Ben told us about how difficult it was being apart from you while you were at school; I'm glad to see that the two of you are trying to work things out."

"It's nice to see you too, Gail," Michael answered. Michael came in and received a half-handshake/hug from Dan, who had finally let go of Ben.

They all stood there in the living room, not knowing what to say next. Finally Gail broke the silence by saying, "Michael, we have the Blue Room all set up for you." That got them all laughing, then they all started talking at once.

"Have you boys eaten lunch yet?" Gail asked. When they answered 'no,' she continued, saying, "Why don't you take your bags upstairs and get a little settled, while I make us all something to eat."

"Thanks, mom, I think we will." Ben grabbed his bag, while Michael did the same, and they headed upstairs to Ben's old room.

Once in the bedroom, they both dropped their bags, and Ben pulled Michael in for a hug and quick kiss. "Thank you so much for coming with me this weekend."

"Thank you for asking me, for trusting me, to come with you."

"You know I trust you with everything, even my life."

"Just as I trust you with mine." As soon as Michael said these words he regretted them, afraid he was pushing too hard, or making Ben feel guilty. But as soon as he looked into Ben's deep blue eyes, he saw no anger or regret, just love and compassion. Thankfully, Ben accepted the words as intended, not as any sort of accusation.

Michael smiled and kissed Ben again, then asked, "We probably don't have time for even a quickie, do we?"

Ben laughed, and replied, "Probably not. Come on, let's go wash up and have some lunch."

~~~~~~~

During lunch, most of the talk centered around Michael's experience in nursing school, and his current position. "School was fun, but a lot of hard work. I think it was a little easier because I was older than most everyone there, so I was able to be a little more focused." Michael decided to leave Ian out of the story for now. "Even though the time apart was hard on us, I would do it all over again. I was hired at Children's Hospital, in the orthopedic wing, after I graduated, and I love it. The kids are amazing, and it feels like a solid fit."

"I don't think you ever told us where you went for school," Gail commented.

"It was part of a community college, over in Greenpoint," Michael answered.

"Greenpoint? That's so close! You should have come over to visit."

"I know. I thought about it, but early on I was so busy, there didn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Then later, when Ben and I started having problems..." Michael dropped his head, and then took a deep breath and continued, "When Ben I started having problems, I didn't feel like I would be welcome."

"Baby...," Ben reached over and squeezed Michael's hand.

"Michael, please know that you are always welcome here, no matter what our son might have said or done." Dan chimed in.

"Thank you, both. That means so much to me." Michael gave them both a grateful smile.

Gail quickly steered the conversation back to happier ground. "So Michael, tell us about some of the kids you're working with."

Thankful for the break, Michael launched into his second favorite topic. "There's this one little boy, named Tommy, who broke his leg riding his bike. He's so determined to get back on his bike we have to practically nail him to the bed!"

The four of them moved to the living room, where they continued to chat about everything that was happening in their lives. Ben was able to tell them about his time in the monastery in India.

"It was an amazing, spiritual experience, just what I'd needed after learning that I was HIV-positive," Ben began. They'd avoided his HIV-positive status thus far during the visit, but now that it was out, Ben was actually feeling better about talking about it; he didn't want to gloss over it or sweep it under the rug, both for his parents' sake, as well as for Michael's. Now was the time for open communication if he expected these important relationships in his life to remain strong and secure.

"I know I was a bit of a wreck when I was here before leaving. I am so sorry for just dumping the news on you like that, then leaving for three months, but I didn't see any other way. I was really at a loss - I didn't know what to think or what to say. My time at the monastery helped me come to terms with what had happened to me, help me get past the 'why me?' mentality. What it didn't do was give me any real perspective on what to do next. They are really focused on living in the 'now,' but I had some real concerns about my future, especially with regard to any new relationships."

"Thankfully, this one tracked me down when he came back to Pittsburgh," Ben continued, gesturing toward Michael. "I tried my best to push him away - I didn't want him to feel sorry for me, or to put himself in danger by resuming our relationship. Unfortunately he's even more stubborn than I am, and he completely broke down my defenses."

"I suppose it's a blessing in disguise that he lost his uncle to AIDS last year. The experience of helping care for Vic, plus bearing witness to Vic's strength through it all, gave Michael the courage to convince me that it would be all right, that we would be all right."

"So, here we are, both working our way through re-establishing our relationship. I've already told Michael I'm so grateful that he agreed to come with me this weekend. I have a feeling that I'll be leaning on him a lot in the weeks and months to come, but I know he's strong enough to handle it."

Tears had formed again in Gail's eyes as she listened to her son spill so much from his heart. "Oh, Benji, your father and I are both so glad to hear that you're ready to take this disease head-on and fight for love and life." She got up and threw her arms around Ben's neck and hugged him close. "We love you so much."

"I love you too, mom. And you too, dad." Michael watched the three of them embrace, then each one took a deep breath to calm their nerves.

"What I am, right now, though, is exhausted," Ben said. As if on cue, Michael let out a yawn that threatened to crack his face in two, causing the group to laugh. "I guess we're both pretty tired," he continued. "If it's okay with you, I think Michael and I are going to go upstairs and take a quick nap. Please come get us for dinner."

"Of course," Gail said. She was smiling as she watched her first-born, her pride and joy, climb the stairs with the love of his life, for a well-deserved rest. She felt a sense of calm for the first time since Ben revealed that he was HIV-positive; confident that Michael was the right person to be by his side, no matter what life threw at them.

Chapter 2

Their respective schedules made spending time together difficult. They both treasured the stolen moments early in the morning before Ben left for his office and late at night when Michael got home from the hospital. On those days that they both had off from work they were loathe to leave the bed, much less the apartment. Unfortunately there was one item on their social calendar that had been put off for far too long, which was a dinner invitation to Debbie's house.

Michael hadn't told her yet that he and Ben were back together, working again on their relationship. When she invited him to dinner on Sunday night, he asked if he could bring along a friend.

"Of course, honey," Debbie said. "I love meeting your friends. Even that doctor, Brian. You were right - once we got to know him, he turned out to be an okay guy. Who is it you're bringing?"

"It's kind of a surprise, Ma. You'll find out when we get there," Michael responded.

"Michael, tell me!"

"You'll just have to wait and see. We'll be there at 7:00."

When they got to her house, Michael used his key to open the door, calling out, "Ma? We're here."

"In the kitchen, honey," Debbie yelled back.

Michael led Ben through the living toward the kitchen, just as she turned around to greet them.

"Ben! Oh my God, it's so great to see you again!" she exclaimed. After a quick hug and kiss for Michael, she wrapped her arms around Ben and squeezed him tight.

"Hi, Debbie," Ben managed to get out before having all of the air forced out of his body by the exuberance of her hug. Once she finally relinquished her hold on him, he asked, "How have you been? Michael told me about Vic, I'm so sorry."

"You're never really prepared for something like that, but fortunately Michael and all of our friends were around to help me get through it. But seeing you again is like a breath of fresh air." With that, she reached over and smacked Michael on the back of the head. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing him again?"

"We had to work through some things that came up while I was away at school, so I wanted to make sure we were in a good place before I told you."

"Well, what did you expect? I couldn't believe it when you told me you had broken up with him. What were you thinking, breaking up with someone like him?" Deb still had one arm wrapped possessively around Ben's middle while she glared at her only son.

"Ma, we weren't handling the 'long-distance' thing very well; it seemed like the right thing to do."

"Deb, Michael's right. Neither of us were happy at the time - we couldn't stay together and hated being apart. We both needed the time apart to experience new things, to help us grow. We both came through it with new outlooks on life, ready to give our relationship another try," Ben added.

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad you're back together. Should be smooth sailing, now that you're both back home."

Ben and Michael exchanged looks, silently debating whether to have the HIV discussion now or after dinner. They decided to wait, as they sat down at the table to enjoy the meal.

"So Ben, I know all about what Michael's been doing the last couple of years. What have you been up to?" Debbie asked.

"Well, last summer I spent four months in Prague, studying new therapy techniques with a highly respected therapist, who turned out to be a pompous ass. I learned a lot from him, but I don't know if I'd want to go through that again. Then about a month ago I got back from a monastery in India, just across the border from Tibet. The monks were amazing, they really helped me learn to live in the 'now'. Stop regretting the past and fearing the future, all you have is right now."

"That's what I'm always telling Michael. If you have one foot in tomorrow and the other in yesterday you'll shit on today."

"Ma!"

"It's true, isn't it? Help me out here, Ben," Debbie demanded.

"Yes, Deb, it's true," Ben smiled, giving Michael's knee a quick squeeze.

The rest of dinner was spent chatting about a million different things, from Michael's job to Debbie's burgeoning relationship with Carl Horvath. When it came time for dessert, Ben and Michael again exchanged looks. It was time to tell her about Ben's HIV, and they silently agreed that Ben would start the discussion.

"Debbie, there's something else we need to talk about."

"What's that, honey?"

"The reason I went to spend time at the monastery was that I had just gotten some bad news, and needed some time alone to really process it."

"What is it? Ben, honey, you're scaring me."

"When I was in Prague, I was infected with the HIV-virus. I'm HIV-positive."

Debbie slumped down in her chair, looking first at Ben, then over at Michael, who just nodded his head slightly. Deb tried to say something, but seem too flustered to get anything out. Michael had never seen her speechless before - it would have been funny if they weren't discussing something so serious.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Fortunately the problems I've had so far have been emotional, not physical, and I'm pretty much through that part."

"They have you on the cocktail?"

"Anti-virals."

Deb just nodded at that, then stood up and said, "Who wants pie? I made them fresh this afternoon, and I have some vanilla ice cream to go on top." She started bustling around the kitchen.

Michael quietly said, "Ma..."

"I know, Michael, you want a big piece, how about you, Ben?"

Michael tried again. "Ma...," he said, but Ben just laid his hand on his shoulder and shook his head, silently telling him to let his mother process this in the only way she knew how.

The three of them sat around the table, eating their dessert in silence. Michael just picked at his pie, looking miserable. Ben ate most of his, carefully watching the subtle interaction between mother and son. He wasn't quite sure what was going to happen next, but he was fairly certain that it was going to be huge.

Deciding that it was probably time to go, Ben stood up and said, "Thank you, Debbie, for having us over. Everything was delicious." Michael stood as well, and they both started to take their dishes over to the sink.

"Here, let me take those. You boys don't need to worry about that, I'll get them." She started clearing the table and cleaning up the remains of the meal.

"Ma, I'll talk to you later, okay?" Michael said, as he leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Sure, honey. Ben, it was nice to see you again." She reached up and gave him a kiss as well, but gone was the warmth he received when they first arrived. Oh yeah, Ben thought, this is gonna be ugly.

~~~~~~~

During the drive back to Ben's apartment, Michael was quiet, lost in thought. Ben finally asked, "Do you want to talk about it?" Michael may have shaken his head in response, but Ben couldn't quite see in the dark. He was reminded of the first time that a still-mute Michael was in the car with him, looking for a piece of paper and a pen so that he could communicate with him.

"I can find a piece of paper and pen, if that will help," Ben said, jokingly. Michael just looked at him with hurt and anger in his eyes.

"Okay, I'm sorry, that was a thoughtless thing to say. I was just trying to get you to open up and talk to me."

"I'm just so upset with my mom's reaction. I mean, I didn't expect her to be overjoyed, but she barely acknowledged you after you told her."

"Baby, she just needs time to take it in, and sort out her feelings. The two of you should probably get together in a day or so, once it's sunk in."

"I guess. I bet your parents were more supportive of you than she was!"

"Sure, but I'm their son, not their son's boyfriend."

Michael's mood brightened at that statement. "Did you say boyfriend?" he asked, a smile finally lighting up his face.

"I did say boyfriend. Is that a problem?" Ben teased.

"Not at all," Michael happily replied. They had just come to a stop sign, so Michael leaned over and kissed Ben sweetly, then whispered, "I love you."

"Tell me again," Ben whispered back.

"I love you, Ben."

Chapter 3

Michael had gotten in the habit of having lunch at the Diner a couple of times a week before heading off to work, just to catch up with his mom. Today was going to be the first time since the HIV-discussion, so he stood outside the door and took a couple of deep breaths to calm his nerves before going inside. He reminded himself of the things he learned from Gene Simms about staying focused and not being drawn into irrelevancies.

He pushed open the door and found a seat at the counter, calling out, "Hey, Ma," as Debbie came out from the back.

"Hi, honey," she said. "What do you want to eat?"

"I'll take a tuna fish sandwich, with a side of 'we need to talk'."

"What about, honey?"

"Ben."

"I don't want to talk about it," Debbie proclaimed, as she turned and walked away to pick up another customer's order.

Michael waited patiently until his mother had to come back to him, with his lunch order. "Ma, we have to talk about this."

"No, no we don't."

"Ma, I love him, and we're dealing with this the best way we can, but I won't have you treating him like HE'S the disease."

"I know you love him, honey. He’s handsome, charming, and smart. Obviously works out more than once a week. I just don’t love him for you." With that she walked away, leaving him to fume while eating his lunch.

~~~~~~~

Michael called Ben during his "lunch" break at work, since it was about the same time that Ben was eating dinner. "Did you talk to your mom today?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, I went by the Diner before work to talk to her. She's still not ready to talk about it. I know she's just worried about me, but she needs to get over it. I don't care what she says or feels; I only care how I feel."

"And how do you feel?" Ben teased

"Well, my legs are a little sore after last night, and some kid accidentally clipped me on the chin when I was trying to change his bandage..."

"Michael!"

"I feel happiness. I love you."

"I love you too, Baby. Have a good rest of the day, and I'll see you tonight."

~~~~~~~

Brian, Ted and Emmett had all been calling Michael, trying to get him to come out with them, but between his schedule at work and wanting to be with Ben, he'd consistently turned them down. One Saturday night he decided to turn the tables and actually called them.

"Bowling?" Brian repeated. "Who goes bowling any more?"

"I do," Michael responded. "Come on, it'll be fun. Besides, it's not as loud as Woody's or Babylon, so we can actually catch up without having to yell at each other. Ted and Emmett will be there, too."

"Fine. If that's the only way I'm finally going to get to see you." Brian sighed. "Maybe I'll bring Lindsay. I'm sure she could use a break from Mel and the baby."

"Great, I can't wait to see her again."

Ben and Michael showed up at Liberty Bowl a little earlier than the rest so that they could stake out a couple of lanes. As they got further into the bowling alley, Michael saw Carl Horvath and a bunch of his police buddies deeply involved in their game. The next lane over was being used by a group of gay guys that Michael recognized from Babylon. They were laughing and having a good time, kissing one another to celebrate a good shot.

Michael looked up at Ben, saying, "I should probably go say ‘Hi.’ I’ve only talked to him a few times, when he and Ma have gone out on a date. Actually, I’m surprised she isn’t here with him – she must have been called to replace someone at the Diner at the last minute.” Ben nodded.

As they approached the group, they started to overhear what Carl and his friends were saying. One of the other guys got up and started prancing around on his toes, letting his wrists fall limp, saying in a fake high voice, "Look at me, I knocked all the pretty pins down!" while the others laughed, including Carl. Another guy followed suit, responding with, "Good for you, good for you!" in the same high-pitched voice. Michael froze; not believing what he was seeing and hearing. How could his mom be dating a guy with that kind of attitude toward gays?

He was also torn. Should he let Carl know that he heard them? Or should he just leave? Ben watched as Michael waged this struggle in his mind - he could practically see the gears turning in his head.

In the end, the "new" Michael won out. He was there to have a good time with his friends; he wasn't going to be scared off by what he'd just learned. As fate would have it, the two lanes on the other side of Horvath and his buddies were free, so that's where Ben and Michael sat, waiting for the others to join them. Carl happened to glance over and see them, a guilty look on his face.

Just then Brian and Lindsay showed up, followed closely by Ted and Emmett, all laughing and ready to have a good time.

Michael walked up to Lindsay and gave her a big hug, saying, “I’m glad you could come tonight. It’s been way too long since I saw you last.”

Lindsay hugged him back, replying, “You too. You look great.”

As they broke out of the hug, Michael said, “Lindsay, this is Ben. Ben, Lindsay.”

“Ahh, so you’re the famous Ben,” Lindsay said jokingly.

"I don't know about famous, but yes, I'm Ben," he answered, accepting her hug.

"I understand that you were a big part of helping Michael recover from his assault. I'm sure Brian would never admit it, but I know he's grateful that you were around." Brian made a face at that, but pasted a smile on his face as soon as Lindsay turned to look at him, as if she knew he that he would try and contradict what she had said.

"Thank you."

"How are Gus and Melanie doing?" Michael asked.

"They're great. Gus is growing like a weed, and Mel loves being a mother. I understand that you work at Children's Hospital now?" Michael nodded. "What a coincidence - that's where Gus was born. Not exactly by choice, but when he decided it was time to be born, he didn't waste any time, and that's the closest hospital to our home."

"Well, I work in the orthopedics wing, so hopefully I won't be seeing you and Gus there!"

Emmett chose that moment to come bounding over, saying, "As much as I hate to break up this mutual admiration society, we came here to bowl, so let's bowl!"

Michael smiled, and they all headed back to the chairs. Ted took on the role of scorekeeper as they all took their turns. Michael had managed to push the earlier interaction out of his head while he enjoyed hanging out with his friends. After making a shot where the ball actually stayed in the lane and knocked down a couple of pins, he walked back toward the group getting congratulations from his friends. As he looked up after getting a hug from Lindsay, he saw Carl Horvath standing nearby, looking a little nervous. "Nice shot," he said.

"Thanks."

"Can we talk for a minute?" Carl asked.

"Sure."

The two of them moved away from the lanes, to have a little privacy. Carl looked at Michael and said, "So I imagine you heard us earlier."

"I did."

"It's not what you think."

"I think you're a homophobic bigot, and I want you to stay away from my mother," Michael replied.

Carl considered that, then said, "Thanks for being forthright, may I be the same?" Michael crossed his arms across his chest and waited. "I don't hate gays, I just don't get it. But then you don't get being straight, so I guess we're even. As for your mom, she's a very nice lady. Big heart, big personality, big mouth. Call me crazy, but I like that. And she sure as hell loves you."

Michael looked thoughtful, then just nodded and went back to his friends. Ben leaned over and asked, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I think it just might be." Ben pressed a light kiss to his temple, once again amazed at how much Michael had grown in the last few years, and how strong he had become.

~~~~~~~

The next morning Ben went with Michael to the Diner, to talk to Deb again. They sat at the counter, waiting for Deb to come by. "Morning, Ma," Michael said.

"Morning, honey. Ben." Deb replied, in a not-very-welcoming tone.

"Ma, we need to talk."

"I said everything I had to say last time," she replied, wiping imaginary crumbs from the counter's surface.

"Well then, I need to talk. I saw Carl Horvath last night, at Liberty Bowl. I overheard some of his buddies making some jokes aimed at the queers in the next lane. I was all set to confront you with what I heard, to berate you for being so desperate that you'd go out with a homophobe like him. Then he came over and we talked, and he helped me understand his position and his beliefs. He also made me realize that you're entitled to date whomever you want."

"You're God-damn right I am."

"But then, so am I," Michael said quietly, placing a possessive hand on Ben's arm.

Deb was stunned for just a moment, then seemed to accept what her son was saying. She nodded slightly, and said, "Your food will be right up." As she walked away to serve food to her other customers, she thought about the changes she saw in her son. She would never, EVER, think of the assault as a good thing, but some good had certainly come from it. He was certainly calmer and more mature, and now he had a new career that he loved, and could really be proud of. It also brought him some new relationships that helped keep him grounded. She wasn't thrilled that he was dating a man who was HIV-positive, but she could also tell that if she continued to protest, she'd lose him for good. All she could do now was pray that nothing bad happened to either of them.

Chapter 4

Over the next several weeks things calmed down into a more predictable routine. Michael had gained some seniority at work, and was able to change his shift to 8:00 to 5:00 so that he could spend more time with family and friends, and most importantly, Ben.

They went out with the guys on a more regular basis - playing pool at Woody's or dancing at Babylon. Michael even went out a couple times just with Brian. The two of them were developing a close, deep friendship unlike any either had ever experienced. They'd go out to dinner, or just hang out in Brian's loft, talking about whatever came up. Occasionally Brian would supply some weed when they were feeling particularly mellow, but mostly they just enjoyed each other's company.

Things were going so well that it came as a complete surprise when Michael bolted upright in bed in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, his heart pounding. He tried to remember what he had been dreaming about before this happened, but it faded too quickly.

His movements woke up Ben, who immediately went into protective mode. "Baby? What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing. Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep."

Ben could tell it wasn't 'nothing' by the glazed-over look in Michael's eyes. It reminded him of the panic attacks that Michael had right after his assault, but he said nothing. "Do you remember anything?" Michael slowly shook his head. "Okay, come here." Ben pulled Michael into his arms as they lay back down on the bed. Michael felt himself melt into Ben's arms and took a couple of deep breaths, willing his heart rate to return to normal. Ben spoke softly and quietly into Michael's ear and slowly rubbed his back and arms until his breathing became slow and deep again as he drifted off back to sleep.

Later that morning over breakfast, Ben asked again about the bad dream. "Do you remember anything this morning?"

"Nothing specific, but I did have a weird feeling right before I fell back asleep."

"Can you tell me about it?"

Michael hesitated, which prompted Ben to follow-up with, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, that's not it. It's just been a while, so I need to get my thoughts organized."

"Back to when you were recovering from the assault?" Ben asked gently.

"Yeah...how did you know?"

"The look in your eyes. It was the same look you had when you used to have your panic attacks."

"Oh. Well that makes sense."

"So...?"

"So, I was telling Gene about something that happened after the meeting at the GLC. I told him that they had a table full of coffee and doughnuts, and I remembered feeling like there was something scary hiding behind the table. Like those dreams where everything seems normal, but you know it's not."

Ben nodded. "So last night you had a feeling that even though everything seems fine and normal, something bad is going to happen, right?"

"Yeah...stupid, huh?"

"Not stupid at all. That feeling was right last time, stands to reason that it could be right this time. I know you hate when I say this, but don't judge your feelings, just be aware of them. And be sure to be extra-aware of your surroundings today at work."

Michael smiled at the gentle warning. This was just one of the millions of things he loved about Ben. He never made him feel foolish, and with just a few words could make him feel safe and secure. "I'll be careful, I promise."

~~~~~~~

Ben's phone rang just as he was heading back to his office to have some lunch. He smiled when he saw the name on the Caller-ID. "Hey, Baby, what's up?"

"Not much. Just wanted to let you know I think I know why I had that bad dream last night."

"Oh really? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I got a call from Carl Horvath this morning. Apparently they finally built a strong enough case against the guys that bashed me, and they're getting ready to go to trial. He wanted to make sure I was still willing to take the stand against them."

"How do you feel about that?"

Michael smiled. Ben never could quite turn off his "therapist"-mode, but it didn't bother him nearly as much as it used to. "I feel good. I'm looking forward to finally facing those guys and putting this whole thing behind me, and I think this will give me some closure."

"Have I told you recently how much I admire your strength?" Ben said.

"It has been a while...," Michael teased.

"You are so amazing, and so brave. It's one of the many things I love about you."

"Thanks," Michael replied, blushing furiously.

"Keep me posted. I want to make sure I'm free to be there for you."

"Will do. I love you. Have a good afternoon."

"I love you too, Baby."

~~~~~~~

The trial threatened to turn into something rivaling a three-ring circus. It seemed that all of Liberty Avenue filled the available seats, leaving many people standing in the back, all looking for blood. Michael was amazed that so many people seemed to care about what had happened to him. He and Ben sat with Debbie right behind the lawyers' table, in anticipation of his being called as a witness. He gripped Ben's hand tightly and kept taking deep breaths, trying to stay calm.

Ben leaned over and whispered into his year. "It's okay...Baby...try to relax. Nothing's going to happen to you here."

"I know that, at least in my head. The rest of my body isn't so sure. So much for me being so brave."

"You're here, aren't you?"

"I suppose..."

"Okay then. Hopefully they'll call you soon so that we can get out of here. If you're good, maybe I'll buy you some ice cream when this is over," Ben joked, as he leaned slightly into Michael's side. That brought about the first real smile from Michael that morning.

"ALL RISE!" The bailiff had suddenly appeared from a side door, compelling them to stand along with the rest of the courtroom. "Pittsburgh Municipal Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Stone, presiding."

"Please be seated. We are here today to hear the case against Michael Aaron Kerr, Christian Hobbs, James...." The rest of the judge's speech faded away as Michael watched his assailants being led into the room and seated at the defense table. He wondered what they were thinking. Did they even recognize him? He'd long since realized that they didn't target him specifically; he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he wondered if they actually SAW him, or if they just beat the shit out of him without considering the fact that he was another human being. He was grateful for Ben's strong presence at his side, he wasn't sure if he could have done this on his own.

Michael tried to focus on the proceedings, but all of the voices started to sound the same after a while, and all of the extra bodies in the court were making the room much warmer than usual. Michael found himself being lulled to sleep by the monotony of it all. He snapped out of it, though, when he heard his name being called.

"The prosecution calls Michael Novotny to the stand."

Ben gave his hand a quick squeeze and a reassuring smile as he made his way up to the witness stand. The bailiff held out a Bible and asked Michael to raise his right hand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I do."

"Please be seated."

As Michael sat down, one of the lawyers for the city approached him and said, "Mr. Novotny, would you please tell the court, in your own words, of the events of April 21st, 1998."

Michael began describing the events of that day, from his mom asking him to go to the Pride planning meeting at the GLC, to the four men following him outside, holding him down while they beat and kicked him. He also described the things that they said to him. He saw the hurt and anger in his mother's eyes - she didn't know a lot about this part of the attack. He noticed that she looked over at the defense table and put forth the most hateful glare he'd ever seen. He honestly had no idea how they managed to not turn around; they had to feel it prickling the backs of their necks.

When he got to the part where they threatened to cut his dick off, there was a huge outcry from the crowd. The judged banged his gavel, calling out for order in his courtroom. Michael found himself almost amused by the situation. If there hadn't been so many guards around carrying guns, it seemed likely that his supporters would exact their own revenge on the four defendants.

When he finished his narrative, the lawyer asked a couple of clarifying questions, then said, "No more questions, Your Honor."

The judge nodded, then asked, "Does the defense have any questions for Mr. Novotny?"

The defense lawyer stood, and said, "No, Your Honor."

"Mr. Novotny, you may step down. We'll take a lunch recess; please be back here by 1:00."

As people began to file out of the courtroom, Debbie went up to Michael and gave him a huge hug and kissed both cheeks. "Honey, I am so proud of you for standing up to those monsters."

Ben got in a quick kiss as well, and said, "Me too."

The three of them went to a nearby restaurant to have some lunch, then back to the courthouse for the rest of the trial. It wasn't much of a trial, though. The prosecution had so much evidence, and the defendants weren't able to put up much of a defense. The jury only took 15 minutes to make their decision. "We, the jury, find the defendants guilty on all counts."

Another surge of voices filled the courtroom, as the crowd roared their approval. The judge had to bang his gavel several times to get them to all quiet down.

"This court would like to thank the jury for their service and speedy deliberations. The defendants are to be held until sentencing next week. Court is now adjourned."

As promised, Ben took Michael to get an ice cream cone, and they walked through the park enjoying their treats and chatting about the trial. "So do you feel your sense of closure?" Ben asked.

"I do. I don't think I realized how heavily this had been weighing on me until I heard the foreman say 'Guilty.' I felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders."

"I'm glad. And I'm very proud of you. In fact, I think we need to go home so I can show you just how proud I am."

Chapter 5

The air started to get colder as October gave way to November. Ben and Michael were planning to go back to his parents' place for Thanksgiving, a plan that Debbie was not at all happy about. "Ma, we've been through this before. We're going there for Thanksgiving, but we'll stay here for Christmas." She finally acquiesced, after extracting a promise that he call a couple of times from New York, just to check in.

The week before Thanksgiving, Michael was checking his e-mail and was surprised to see one from ltldutchboi@gmail.com.ne. He and Ian had exchanged a few e-mails since he returned to Holland, but nothing on a regular basis. He clicked on the message to see what his friend had written.

My Dear Angelo;
I am sorry that so much time has past since my last correspondence. It seems that every day brings new challenges and adventures that swallow up all of my time. I hope that all is well with you.

Much love,
Ian

Michael smiled at the thought of seeing Ian again. He'd been such a comfort after breaking things off with Ben; it would be nice to see him now that he was in such a good place.

"Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"I just got an e-mail from Ian. He and Theo are flying to New York to spend Thanksgiving with his aunt, and he wants to know if we're available. What do you think?"

"Sure. What were you thinking?"

"Maybe on Friday we could take the subway out to Greenpoint and meet them somewhere, like that little Italian place."

"Sounds good to me."

"Great. I'll suggest it to him."

Ian;
It's so great to hear from you. You're right - it's been too long since we've communicated. Don't apologize; I'm as much to blame as you are.

Love,
Michael

Angelo;
That plan sounds perfect. We shall see you there. I'm excited to hear all about how you and Ben got back together.

Much love,
Ian

------------

When Ben and Michael got to Ben's parents' house, neither was surprised to see that Gail and Dan had waited up for them, even though it was well past 11:00 on Thanksgiving Eve. After all of the hugs and kisses in greeting were out of the way, Gail looked up at Ben with a very satisfied grin on her face and said, "I have a surprise for you."

"You do? What is it?" Ben asked.

Just then a young female face popped out from behind the wall leading to the kitchen, and said, "Me."

"Jilly! I can't believe you're here! It's been so long!" Ben's younger sister ran into the room and into his arms for a huge bear hug. "I've missed you so much," he continued as he lifted her up into the air.

"I've missed you too, big brother. Now put me down," she teased.

Ben did as she asked, then gestured toward Michael. "Jill, I want you to meet..."

"Michael, right?" Jill finished Ben's introduction for him. When Michael nodded, she quickly enveloped him a warm hug, which he returned. Ben had told him that his little sister had accepted his declaration about being gay unconditionally, but it was a relief to see how true it really was, given the hurdles they faced with his parents.

When she released him, he took a good look at her. It was easy to see that they were brother and sister. She was about Michael's height, with the same blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and was obviously fairly athletic. Michael had the feeling that they would get along very well.

"Well, it's great that you stayed up to greet us, mom and dad, and Jilly, it's great to see you after all these years, but unfortunately Michael and I are pretty wiped out. I think we're going to head up to bed, but I'm looking forward to really catching up with you in the morning." Ben said.

"Of course," Gail responded. "We'll see you in the morning."

Everyone said their good nights, then Ben and Michael went to their room. "So that's my little sister, what did you think?" Ben asked.

"I think she's a miniature version of you, only female. You two look exactly alike," Michael responded.

"Yeah, I know. I used to hate it growing up, but now that we're adults I don't mind it."

"Hmm mmm...," Michael agreed, while fighting a huge yawn.

"Okay, I get it, sleepy-head. Let's go get ready for bed."

~~~~~~~

Over breakfast the next morning, Michael asked, "So Jill, what do you do for a living? I don't think Ben's ever told me."

"I'm a veterinarian. I'm part of a clinic just outside of Chicago."

"You get to work with animals, that's so cool. What made you get into that line of work?"

"Well, my dad wanted us both to become doctors like he was, so we both disappointed him." Jill pushed Ben on the shoulder as she made that remark, to which Ben responded by sticking out his tongue at her. "I actually thought about going into medicine, but people are just so boring. We're all basically the same, and have the same diseases, so what's the challenge in that? Then I shifted my focus to animals and just loved it. There are so many kinds of animals, and they all require different treatments, which I found much more exciting."

"When I graduated and got my degree, a classmate and I decided to get together and form a clinic, which we run to this day. It's quite successful, if I do say so myself, and I love the fact that I look forward to going to work each day."

"That's great," Michael responded. "I have to say that now that I enjoy what I do, I can't imagine ever working some place that I didn't love."

"I understand you've recently become a nurse, right?"

"Right. I got my degree, then got a job at Children's Hospital, in the orthopedics wing. I understand what you are saying about people being boring, but the kids are amazing, and a lot of fun. There's this one little girl named Susie..."

Ben zoned out on what Michael was saying, and just watched the scene with a contented smile on his face. This is what his kitchen table was supposed to look and sound like. Lively conversation, boisterous laughter, his parents trying to get a word in edgewise as he and his sister and whatever friends were there were chatting away. It was so much better than the first time he brought Michael home to meet his parents, where the stilted silences were deafening. He was grateful that Michael had found a way to confront them and really make them see how they were treating him. It had been a difficult conversation at the time, but the rewards were well worth the effort.

"Ben? Ben?"

Ben snapped out of his reverie as he heard Michael call his name. "What is it, Baby?"

"Just wondering where you went."

"Just remembering what life was like growing up, and enjoying the memory. So, mom, is anyone else coming over for dinner this afternoon?"

"Nope, it's just going to be family this year." Michael's heart swelled at that comment. Did Ben's parents really see him as part of the family? He and Ben locked eyes, and Ben could see the emotion and excitement that Michael was feeling. He leaned over and gave Michael a quick kiss, then pressed their foreheads together as they silently acknowledged the moment.
"Love you," Ben said quietly.
"Love you, too," Michael replied.

~~~~~~~

After a huge Thanksgiving dinner where everyone ate way too much turkey, cranberries and pumpkin pie, the five of them decided to head over to Central Park to walk off some of dinner before tackling the dishes.

"So what do you kids have planned for the rest of the weekend?" Dan asked.

"Some girls from high school are in town this weekend, so we're going to get together tomorrow night and just see what happens."

"I remember what you girls did in high school. Try not to get into too much trouble, okay?" Dan teased.

"Dad..." Jill groaned, with a grin on her face.

"What about you boys?" Gail asked.

Michael responded, "A friend of mine from nursing school and his partner are in town from Holland, visiting his aunt. We're meeting them in Greenpoint for dinner tomorrow night."

"Wow, Holland? That's certainly a long trip. Sounds like a nice time."

"It should be. He was a good friend to me in school, and we've never met his partner, so I think we're both looking forward to it." Michael looked at Ben for confirmation. Ben nodded his head in agreement, but internally he was a little apprehensive about seeing Ian again. Michael had told him that he and Ian had gotten physical after breaking things off with Ben, but that they hadn't had sex. Regardless, Ben found himself getting jealous if he thought about it for too long. Plus there was the hint at a foursome that Michael had brushed off. He'd been involved in those kinds of situations in the past, but he didn't think that he was really up for it any more, so to speak, especially now that he'd have to factor in the fact that he was HIV-positive.

Mentally pushing aside those thoughts, Ben draped his arm across Michael's shoulders and said, "Knowing how much Michael and Ian love to talk, it'll be a long, entertaining night. Don't wait up for us."

Chapter 6

Ben and Michael got to the restaurant almost 20 minutes late. They were shown to a table where Ian and Theo were already sitting.

"We're so sorry that we're the ones running late this time - the subway took longer than expected," Michael explained as he gave Ian a hug and a quick kiss.

"It is fine, Angelo, we were a few minutes late as well. Ben, it is good to see you again," Ian said, hugging him also.

"Angelo, Ben, I want you to meet Theo," Ian continued, gesturing to the man next to him. Theo was in his early 40's with just a few gray strands mixed in with his dark brown hair, which set off his brilliant blue eyes. "Theo, this is Angelo and Ben."

"It's nice to finally meet you. Ian showed me pictures of both of you, but they didn't do justice to either of you," Theo said, hugging each of them warmly.

"Well the pictures Ian showed us of you were lacking as well," Ben responded.

"Yes, yes, we are all handsome men," Ian interjected, "please, sit, we have much catching up to do.”

“Although I have to admit,” Ian continued, “that we thought you might be reconsidering the planned post-dinner activities, when you weren’t here when we got here.” Ian cast an admiring look at Ben. Michael just looked down at his hands, which he had folded in his lap.

Ben looked over at Michael, hurt and confusion showing in his face. “Michael?” he asked.

Michael didn’t answer, but began to blush furiously.

Ben looked back over at Theo and Ian, but their expressions hadn’t changed from the bright smiles they’d worn since he and Michael had arrived at the table. He looked back over to Michael and saw the corners of his mouth starting to turn up. He’s going to get it later, Ben thought, as Michael struggled to contain his laughter. “Michael…,” he said again, this time with a mock-serious tone in his voice.

Michael couldn’t hold it in any longer, and started laughing out loud, and then Ian and Theo joined him. “Honey, I’m sorry. I told Ian about how you thought he might have been suggesting a foursome the first time we met, so we decided to tease you a little bit.”

Ben just shook his head and chuckled at the prank, although a huge feeling of relief coursed through him. “I can’t believe you did that. You know you’re going to pay for this later, right?” he asked.

“I know,” he replied. “You’re not mad, are you?” Michael had been a little worried about this prank, but he couldn’t really get out of it without explaining exactly why. He wasn’t quite ready to reveal Ben’s HIV status to Ian just yet.

“No, I’m not mad,” Ben said, kissing him sweetly to back up his words. He could see the concern that had flickered across Michael’s face, so he had a pretty good idea about whose idea the prank had been and why he hadn’t put a stop to it.

Ian jumped in at this point to say, “Ben, just so you know, I wasn’t hinting at anything that day, other than just having a good time. Theo and I may indulge in harmless arrangements when we are apart, but when we are together, the two of us are all we need.”

“That’s good to hear,” Ben said. “Now that the joking’s out of the way, how about we order? I’m starving!”

After the waiter took their dinner orders, he came by with the bottle of wine that Theo had ordered. "None for me, please," Ben told the waiter. "A glass of iced tea would be great, thank you."

Ian looked at him quizzically, to which Ben responded, "I'm trying to cut back on my alcohol a little bit," he said, somewhat evasively.

Ian nodded, then mentioned, "Ben, you seem to have lost some weight since the last time I saw you."

"I spent three months in a monastery in India. We ate a lot of rice and vegetables, but there was very little meat, so I dropped a few pounds during my stay."

"A monastery, huh?" Ian asked. "Doesn't sound very exciting to me."

"It was what I needed, at the time," Ben replied with his standard response. Ian nodded again.

Michael sensed that the conversation was heading toward troubled waters, so he quickly tried to change the subject. "So, how was Thanksgiving dinner with your aunt?"

"Wonderful," Ian responded. "She's still an old, cranky woman, but the food was good. Plus it has been far too long since she has seen Theo, so she hung on his arm the entire day." Theo tried to look annoyed with his partner, but failed miserably. They really were a good-looking, solid couple, Ben thought to himself.

The dinner conversation covered a wide array of topics. Ian wanted to know all of the details of Ben and Michael's reconciliation, and about Michael's new job. They also talked about Ian and Theo's lives back in Amsterdam, and how the training Ian received at the nursing school had helped further his career.

As dinner started to wind down and they considered the dessert menu, Ben suddenly looked at his watch, and then over at Michael, who just nodded, understanding what was to happen next. Ben stood up, saying, "If you will all excuse me for a moment, I need to visit the restroom."

Ian watched him walk away, and then stood up, stating, "I need to go as well, I shall be right back." He pressed a small kiss to Theo's temple, then made his way toward the restrooms.

Ben was taking the last of his HIV medications as Ian walked in the door. Ian leaned against one of the sinks and gave him a long, serious look before speaking. "So, is it AIDS?"

Ben considered denying it for a moment, but quickly realized that it would be a waste of time. "No," he responded. "I'm HIV-positive."

Ian nodded, and asked, "Does Angelo know?"

"Of course Michael knows. It was the main stumbling block in our reconciliation," Ben replied testily.

"I was just checking, my friend. Some people are not so honest. So when did it happen?"

"I don't see how that is any of your business."

"Angelo is my business," Ian said, a subtle trace of anger coloring his voice. "He's a very special person, and I don't want anything to happen to him."

"Trust me, Ian; I don't want anything to happen to him either. That's why we're being very, very careful. Just like you and Theo are when you make your 'arrangements', I expect." Ian nodded. "How did you figure it out, anyway?" Ben asked.

"The weight loss, no alcohol with dinner, your comment about the monastery. When you checked your watch and excused yourself that was what clinched it in my mind." It was Ben's turn to nod.

"Now that we have that settled, we should get back to the beautiful and understanding men who await our return." Ben had to smile at Ian's sudden shift back to the charismatic man he'd first been introduced to. Ian returned the smile, and the two of them walked back to their table together.

~~~~~~~

The whole Bruckner house was slow in rising on Saturday morning. Gail and Dan had taken advantage of some theater tickets they'd been given by one of Dan's former colleagues, so everyone had gotten home late Friday night.

It was after 11:00 by the time that everyone had gotten up, showered and dressed, ready to face the day. Gail had taken the time to cook some eggs and bacon and set them on the table, along with plenty of leftovers from Thursday's dinner to set up a makeshift brunch for the family.

They were all drinking coffee and recounting their adventures from the night before when the doorbell rang. Ben had gotten up to get a second coffee, so he went to answer the door. He was quite surprised when he saw who was standing on the doorstep. "Spence, what a surprise. I wasn't expecting to see you this weekend."

"Oh, hey, Ben. I didn't know you were in town for the holiday. My mom asked me to return this pan she borrowed from your mom."

"Benji? Who is it?" Gail called from the kitchen.

"I'm being rude, I'm sorry. Please, come on in." Ben led Spence into the house to where his parents were sitting.

"Hey, Dr. B.," Spence said, as he received a hug from Ben's father.

"How are you, Spence?" Dan asked.

"Fine, thanks. Mrs. B., my mom asked me to return this pan, and to say 'Thank you', it was exactly what she needed."

"Tell her she's more than welcome. How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Loud and busy. All of the family descended on my parents' house this year, which made for quite a crowd, but it was great to see everyone again. It had been a while. And yours?"

"Relatively quiet, just the five of us. You remember Ben's sister Jillian, right?

"Of course, great to see you again." Jillian smiled shyly in response.

"And you met Michael, Ben's partner."

"Right. Good to see you again, Michael." He extended his hand in greeting, which Michael took and shook cautiously, remembering their last encounter.

The group fell silent, as no one seemed to know what to say next. Finally Spence broke the silence by asking, "Ben? Do you suppose there's a chance that you and I could go for a walk and talk about some things?"

Ben looked at Michael, who just shrugged his shoulders, indicating that it was up to him. "Sure. Just let me get my coat."

The two old friends set out in the crisp November air, walking slowly toward a local park. "So you and Michael are still together? That's great," Spence said.

"Well, technically we're together again, not still."

"Oh?"

"We broke up for a while, but that's a long story I'm not really ready to go into right now."

"I understand."

They walked in silence for a while longer, until Ben finally said something. "What's on your mind, Spence?"

Spence took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled it, then said, "I wanted to apologize for my behavior the last time we saw each other. You were right - I was pissed. And scared, and confused, and disappointed. I couldn't believe that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. Then I was ashamed when I realized that if our positions had been reversed, I probably would have done the same thing."

Ben just nodded his head, allowing Spence to continue.

"I was also hurt when you suggested that we were less than best friends. I felt as if everything I'd believed up to that point had been a lie. With some time and distance, though, I could see that you were right about that, too. If we'd really been best friends, we would have actually stayed in touch during and after college, not just relying on our parents to keep us up-to-date."

"I'd like that to change, and I hope you do too. I'd like us to try and keep in touch more directly, maybe see each other more than once a decade."

That comment got Ben, who started laughing. Spence happily joined in. "I would like that," Ben responded.

"Good. And just so you know that I'm really past this 'my friend is gay' thing, I've been attending some PFLAG meetings."

"You have?" Ben was incredulous.

"I have. They helped me understand that my reaction to your news was perfectly normal. They also helped me see that you are the same Ben I grew up with, played football with, hung out with. Who you love doesn't change who you are."

"Thanks, Spence. I can't tell you how much that means to me." Ben reached out for his friend and pulled him in for a heartfelt hug.

Ben and Spence slowly made their way back to Ben's parents' house, filling each other in on what was happening in each other's life. All too soon they reached Gail and Dan's door. "Ben, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me, and being willing to work on our friendship."

Ben hugged Spence again, saying, "Of course. You were, and still are, a big part of my life. I am looking forward to having a real friendship with you again."

As Ben watched Spence walk away, back to his parents' home, he felt a great sense of relief. He and Michael had made their relationship work with some time and effort, so he felt confident that he and Spence would be able to do the same. He opened the door to re-join his family, anxious to tell them about his conversation with his long-time friend.

End of "Peace, Love and Understanding" by Kirsten (eli_ollie@yahoo.com)

back to fiction index page