Summary: Michael and Ben examine the lyrics to the song "Ben"
Rating: PG
Archive Date: 12 May 2006
Notes: Spoilers for Seasons 2 to 5.
Michael hated going to the dentist, hated it with a passion. But here he was, sitting in the waiting room like a good little boy, for his cleaning appointment. He flipped through an old copy of People magazine, his mind barely registering the music that was being piped into the office. Muzak, he thought, who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to take popular songs, remove the words, then re-record them with an orchestra, mangling them to the point that they were almost unrecognizable. Almost. A new song started, and the refrain seemed so familiar he put the magazine down and really concentrated on it. A small giggle escaped from his lips before he clamped his hand over his mouth as he identified the song. It was "Ben," the song that he sang at a Karaoke Night at Woody's so many years ago, in his mission to get Ben back. Thank God he had been successful, he thought as he twisted his wedding ring around on his finger, there's no way he could imagine his life without Ben in it. As he listened, some of the words came to mind, but not all of them. He suddenly felt the need to look over the lyrics again, as if he and Ben had both missed something crucial in them that night. He stood up, ready to go home so that he could look them up on the Internet, when all of a sudden the hygienist opened the door, saying, "Michael Novotny? The doctor will see you now."
When he finally got home and was able to look up the lyrics, he printed them out so that he could really examine them. Each line seemed to call out to him, providing a small, although certainly unintended, glimpse into his and Ben's life.
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
That was certainly appropriate. When Ben had proposed, he told Michael that he was the man he'd been looking all of his life, a declaration that had taken his breath away. To have this amazing man say such a thing to him was beyond belief, but when Michael looked into those breathtaking blue eyes, he did believe. And Ben was certainly more than he had ever dreamed about, seeming to know everything about him without explanation. He even understood about Brian, which was asking a lot.
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
He and Brian were best friends, nothing would ever change that. Even the arguments they'd had over the years never lasted long. The "Brian and Mikey Show", as he'd often referred to their friendship, would never be cancelled. But what he had with Ben was so much more than that. They were more than best friends, more than lovers. Even the term "soul mates" seemed inadequate somehow. They were a part of each other, so in tune with each other than when one hurt, so did the other. Almost like twins...no wait, bad analogy. There was nothing "brotherly" about the way he felt about Ben. When his mind wandered it inevitably landed on his husband's handsome face, strong but gentle hands, muscular arms that held him so reverently, the most beautifully crafted cock ever seen. Michael could feel himself get hard; not surprisingly, Ben still had that power over his mind and body, even after so many years together.
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
Michael had been surprised not only by his friends' reaction to Ben's HIV-positive status, but his mom's as well. She knew what being HIV-positive entailed after Vic's experience, but she also knew that he would be careful. He figured that she'd just lecture him like crazy every time she saw him; he didn't expect her to try and forbid him from seeing him. She hadn't abandoned Vic, how could she do that to Ben? Especially after he told her how much Ben meant to him. With a combination of shouting matches and quiet determination, Michael had finally gotten her to accept him into the family. She didn't hit Ben like she hit him, but he figured it was only a matter of time.
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
Home. Their home. They'd been so excited to find this great house near Eli and Monty, and while they both moaned and groaned about how much work it was going to take to make it a home, they both secretly loved putting in the time to make it happen. Now it was a home, not only for the two of them, but for Hunter and J.R. as well. Both of their personalities were present all throughout the house, and it always felt warm and safe and inviting.
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
Michael loved being part of a "we," it made him feel...well...everything. Good and bad, excited and apprehensive, up and down, everything that makes life worth living. It made him realize that that's what he wished for all of his friends. A person that made life worth living, that made you feel like a better person when you were with him. He wanted all of his friends to feel this secure and loved.
Looking back over the lyrics, Michael couldn't see anything crucial that he might have missed that night. The feelings represented in the song were accurate, but nothing earth-shattering. They were just simple words...that's it! Simple. His relationship with Ben was simple. They loved each other; they lived in and for each other, nothing more than that. All the words in the world couldn't change that simple fact. It didn't take a Rhodes Scholar to understand their love.
Michael was so lost in the emotions he was feeling that he didn't notice the front door opening as Ben came home from work. He came over to where Michael was sitting, kissed him, and said, "What're you working on, Baby?"
Michael just gazed into Ben's eyes and said, "I love you so much."
"I love you, too," Ben responded, a little hesitantly. "What's that in your hands?" he asked.
Michael handed him the printed lyrics, smiling as Ben started to read them. "I heard this song when I was at the dentist's office this afternoon, and felt compelled to look at the lyrics more closely. The pull was so strong I started to walk out of the office before my appointment! If the hygienist hadn't come out when she did, I would have blown it off completely. I've been sitting here, ever since I got home, reading and re-reading them, thinking about how 'right' they are, how 'right' we are. It just made me very happy."
"I'm glad. Did you discover anything hidden in the lyrics?" Ben teased.
"Actually, I did." Ben looked a little surprised at this. "I discovered that, like the song, our love is very simple, and because of that, I couldn't imagine living without it. And that I hope all of our friends find someone who makes them as happy as you make me."
Later that night as they lay cuddled up in bed, Ben realized he was humming the song to himself. He'd hated the song when he was a kid - all of his classmates teased him when it came out, since it was, in their words, "gross." Not too surprising, since elementary school kids aren't much for love songs. But ever since Michael had gone up on that stage and sung that song in his quest to get him back, it had taken on a whole new meaning. Before Ben realized what he was doing, he had gotten out of bed and walked from their bedroom over to the computer to take another look at the lyrics Michael had printed out earlier.
As he read the words over and over again, he was surprised to find that tears were forming in his eyes. It seemed that every word, every phrase in the song reminded him of his HIV-positive status, and how he'd had to deal with rejection from so many people. It reminded him of Paul, who had just given up after getting the diagnosis, instead of fighting it. It reminded him of Anthony, who didn't understand that HIV wasn't a gift worth getting. It also reminded him of the men he'd dated who didn't stick around once they found out.
Ben lost track of how long he sat there feeling sorry for himself, his Buddhist faith failing him. So much for living in the now! This song was such a large part of his and Michael's relationship, and the lyrics had made Michael so happy, maybe he needed to take another look at them.
This time, as he read the lyrics, he focused his thoughts on the love of his life, his husband, who he'd left sleeping in their bed. He'd meant what he'd said when he proposed to Michael, that he was the man he'd been looking for all his life. Despite his initial reservations, Michael had been able to see past the illness to the man he really was, and given himself up to him. When they'd made love for the first time, Ben could feel the love pouring out from Michael's heart, and it had made him feel safe and secure. They'd had some ups and downs just like any relationship, but in the end, Michael made him feel complete.
Ben was still sitting there, lost in his reverie, when Michael quietly came over to stand behind him. He massaged Ben's shoulders briefly, and then wrapped his arms around his shoulders in a loose hug. "What are you thinking about?" Michael asked.
"I've been looking at this song. It's funny, because earlier you said that the song was simple, and I see it as immensely complicated."
"How so?"
Ben reached around for Michael and pulled him into his lap, nuzzling his neck.
"I hated this song when I was younger, because the other kids teased me about it. Then I loved it when you sang it for me, because I could feel the love you put into that performance to win me back. Just now I was reading the words again, and I hated it because it reminded me of all of the people who have disappointed me over the years. Then I read them one last time with my thoughts focused solely on you, and I loved it again. I think the words by themselves are painful, but the overall feeling of the song is love. Love that you show me every day, in every way possible, and even some that aren't possible."
Michael just grinned at that.
All of a sudden, Ben turned serious, saying, "Some days I wonder why you love me at all."
Michael's head whipped around. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.
"There have been so many times the last few years that you would have been justified in telling me to fuck off. The steroids, Anthony..."
Michael kissed him hard, cutting off whatever else he was going to say. When he pulled back, he looked deep into Ben's eyes and said, "You told me that if you loved someone, you had to know that he would be there no matter how hard it got. I made a promise to you back then that I wasn't going to leave you, and I meant it."
"But I've made it so hard..."
Again, Michael stopped him with a kiss. "You also told me one time that you wanted to know everything there was to know about me, good or bad. Well, I want the same from you. I want to know what you were like as a kid, the men you've loved, what excites you, your insecurities, everything. The problems we've had over the years pale in comparison to all of the good times. They're just tiny blips on the radar screen, but they've made us that much stronger."
Ben looked deep into Michael's brown eyes, amazed that this man loved him so much. Wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller man, he sent a silent thanks to the powers above for bringing him into his life.
"I think it's time for you to come back to bed and let me show you just how much I love you."
End of "Simple/Complicated/Love" by Kirsten (eli_ollie@yahoo.com)