Michael lay on his side facing away from Ben his hands folded as if in silent prayer tucked under his head. The room was bathed in the half glow of moon light and star shine. Ben's arm was draped over him like so many nights before. Michael's eyes were closed but he wasn't sleeping. He could feel Ben's warm breath on his neck and the gentle press of Ben's chest against his back. He didn't dare move and he hardly breathed. He could tell Ben was waiting for him to say something, anything, he just didn't know what to say. Or maybe he was afraid to say anything for fear he'd say too much or not enough as the case may be. There was this seemingly fragile thread between them holding them together, holding them in place, linking them, the bond at this moment was tenuous, but in the silent darkness it was reweaving itself, mending the delicate fabric of their intimacy, strengthening it again. Almost as if they were drawing power from the moonlight itself as it simultaneously washed over them and passed through them passing from one to the other as they reconnected.
They'd been tested in a way that Michael had never even dared to dream about. Paul's death came as a shock to both of them, and it had hurt Michael in a way that didn't seem right since he didn't even know the man. But this man had shared his life, his bed, and his body with Ben. Ben had loved him a great deal and still did. And in a solitary moment of chance and regrettable irresponsibility on both their parts, Paul had shared something with Ben that was both deadly and life affirming.
Still Michael could feel the gulf between them. Things were better, Ben had promised to quit the steroids. They'd even gone to Paul's memorial together. The whole time Ben sat there tears streaming down his face his lips trembling slightly and a death grip on Michael's hand. It felt to Michael that if Ben let go he'd float away beyond his ability to reach him.
Their knuckles were white and aching he and Ben were holding on to each other so tightly. Almost as if by holding fast to one another they could stave off the sorrow of the moment. But Ben needed this. He needed to say goodbye to Paul. He needed to let go of the things he couldn't change about Paul like his inability to take care of himself. His need to die on the terms he'd set down for himself rather than live with the choices he'd made. Ben needed to come to terms with Paul's decisions and he needed to move past them.
He needed to stop identifying with Paul's decision to let the disease run its course in his body. And he needed to forgive himself for not being there when Paul died. He had to come to terms with the fact that maybe he just couldn't sit there and watch as someone he loved withered away not because he wanted to die but rather that he'd given up on living and death became a by product of his lack of enthusiasm his lack of faith anything changing. Maybe it was a simple as Paul not being able to stand the knowledge of what he done to someone he loved. Or maybe it was as complicated as the human heart. But either way Ben had to say goodbye and move on. Not that you forget because how can you forget, you just can't dwell on it can't let it make you irrational, can't let it make you sick.
"Michael..." Ben whispered soft and rose petal sweet in Michael's ear.
"Yeah," Michael replied.
"So you are awake?" Ben asked pulling Michael closer to him.
"I can't sleep," Michael said allowing his body to be maneuvered.
"Neither can I." Ben kissed Michael's neck.
"Busy day," Michael said his arm wrapped around Ben's now.
"Paul's service and the baby," Ben said moving closer his semi-erect cock brushing up against Michael's ass.
"It's hard to wrap my head around both," Michael said his breath leaving him as Ben now licked his ear lobe and blew.
"You can be happy, Michael. You don't have to tiptoe on egg shells around me anymore. I think it's great," Ben said now tweaking Michael's nipples.
"Do you?" Michael said turning in Ben's arms to face him now.
"Yes," Ben said kissing Michael's nose then his top lip, then he ran his tongue over it before taking the plump piece of flesh in between his lips and sucking on it.
Michael closed his eyes and opened his mouth waiting for Ben's warm wet tongue to enter him in a simulation of what was to come later.
The kiss started out slow and grew in intensity. It was a deep probing kiss as their tongues danced a slow complicated methodical tango with each other. While their hands explored the familiar terrain of each other's body's. Grabbing handfuls of hair, scratching lightly up and down each others backs. Reaching and cupping the rounded slopes of each other's firm hairless asses.
"God I've missed you." Michael muttered against Ben's neck as he smothered it in kisses.
"I've missed you too. I'm so sorry, baby," Ben said his head back to give Michael better access to the tender flesh of his neck.
"I've missed this," Michael said rolling on top of Ben pressing his hands over his head and kissing his collar bone. "And this..," Michael said licking his way down to Ben's erect nipple and laving it with his tongue. "And this..," Michael said moving slowly over to the other nipple and biting down on it slightly causing Ben's back to arch. "And this..." He said as he moved down Ben's rock hard abdominal wall to his belly button where he stuck his tongue in then down to the course musky smelling patch of blondish brown pubic hair. "And this..." Michael said as his licked around the purpleish mushroom shaped head of Ben's throbbing, blood engorged cock.
Ben began to shiver under the machinations of his lover's skillful mouth. Michael sliding his hands down Ben's arms as his mouth moved down Ben's body. Ben moved his hands down sitting up a little and rubbed them over the working muscles of Michael's back, then back to his head where he laced his fingers in the dark silky soft hair.
Michael was between Ben's legs the covers gone and completely forgotten about. His mouth making a feast of Ben's cock, as he laved his tongue around the head then slid his mouth down the pulsing shaft burying his nose in the course pubic hair, then back again. Causing Ben's to quiver, his back to arch, his head to bury itself in the down pillows, and his toes to curl with each movement of his lovers mouth. Michael cupped Ben's balls in one hand while he reached up with the other and tweaked Ben's nipples.
Ben's legs were trembling his hips were tilted upward to slide more of himself into Michael's mouth. He reached blindly for the night table where he fumbled around until he found a condom and a tube of lube. Michael's hand was on his chest and he passed the condom to him.
Michael took the condom stopped, opened it, placed it in his mouth and rolled it down onto Ben's now weeping cock. Then with feline grace he moved back up Ben's body until he was straddling him, he reached over and grabbed the lubed and prepared himself. Then slowly he lowered himself onto Ben's pulsating shaft. He impaled himself and began to rock back and forth while grinding his hips. He leaned forward and kissed his lover. Their mouths met with practiced ease and the hunger of time spent together and yet somehow apart. Ben's arms engulfing him, his moans reverberating deep in Michael's chest.
What started out as slow love making suddenly took on a fevered desperation. As Michael rocked on top of him their hands laced together Michael pressing down and Ben pressed upward, Ben realized how much he'd jeopardized by using the steroids. Ben looked at Michael and felt the tight warmth of his body and saw the unhesitant surrender as he gave himself to Ben. He'd almost fucked around and lost this. Not to mention that in a drug induced state he could have really physically hurt Michael and the mere thought of it made him sick with guilt and remorse.
He suddenly sat up and wrapped his arms around Michael's slender frame and felt the plush softness of his skin that masked the powerful musculature underneath. He flipped Michael on to his back and started pumping fiercely as he looked in the shinning eyes of his lover. They rolled again and were on the floor hitting it with a thud as the continued fucking frantically and laughing almost hysterically. They kissed, sucked and bit one another leaving more than just physical marks.
The next thing Michael knew he was on his knees with Ben behind him ramming into him. He could feel Ben's balls slamming up against this ass, as he clutched at the bed pulling the fitted sheet completely off. It was so good he found himself screaming to a clenched fist willed with the cotton blend sheets. Ben's moans were echoing in the room seeming to bounce off the moonlight itself. His forehead was pressed into Michael's back his fingers digging into Michael's slender hips leaving bruises that would be painful tomorrow, make it hard for him to walk and even harder to explain to Brian when they went to the gym and went to the steam room. Tonight however they felt light.
Michael reached behind him grabbing hold of Ben's pistoning hips, urging him on harder, faster, and deeper. Michael wanted more, needed more and was very vocal about his desire. Michael's heart was jack hammering in his chest, and he could feel Ben's pulsing through his finger tips. Their bodies were drenched in sweat, their hair damp, their breath hot filling the room along with their moans. Finally they exploded together and withered on to the floor in exhausted satisfaction.
"Fuck..." Michael panted flat on his back.
"Give me a minute..." Ben gasped out pulling Michael to him again not wanting lose contact with him.
"You sure you're up for it?" Michael asked tracing his thumb over Ben's eyebrow removing the sweat.
"Hell yeah..." Ben said kissing Michael tenderly on the forehead.