Ben couldn't believe it. After all this time with Michael, it was still like those first days when he knew he was falling helplessly and hopelessly in love with him. When everything was sight and sensation, and there was the excitement of anticipation. There was an over exaggerated longing to connect with him, to touch the hypnotic and tantalizing softness of his skin, to taste the sweet, lush wetness of the inside of his mouth, to smell the cool crispness of his wind-kissed hair. It hadn't faded in all this time. Every day was like that first day long ago in the comic book store, when a plan had been formed, and acted upon, get in get the comics and move on, but life decided to intervene. Life decided to step in and show him exactly what he'd been missing what he needed to complete the portrait he'd been painting of himself since he found out about his status. Life took him to that place where every day was a voyage into the unknown. Everything was new and unexpected and looked upon with the eyes of a child. And the sex was always the best you'd ever had.
As time passed, things like that were supposed to fade a little. The newness of love was supposed to lose its luster, and you were supposed to be left with the routine of love, the dew having fallen off the rose, as it were. That, in and of itself, wasn't a bad thing. It just meant you were settled; it was something that happened over time. You fell into the rut that love creates - its ebbs and flows. But with Michael, it was different. Even in the darkest moments of their relationship, even when there was no reason to hope, beyond the moment, for something other than the moment, there was always Michael and his boundless love and his always surprising ability to find the light, even when it would be best the let the darkness hold sway.
Every time Michael walked into a room, Ben's pulse raced at outrageous speeds. Sometimes it took his breath completely away from him, making him gasp audibly - at times, to the stares of the unaffected - those strangers who would never comprehend the depth of emotion passing between Michael and himself - at times, to the whispers of old friends who found it quaint and more than a little refreshing. Sometimes it made him appreciate the routine of the day a little more, it always caught him utterly off guard.
As time passed, Michael's movements, which had always been graceful but a little stilted in some ways, had now become less measured and more fluid - like silk moving against the skin. Or the silence of falling snow in winter. Or water cascading over rocks, transforming their rough edges into smooth, glassy perfection, with the slightest of pressure, and the patience and endurance of time. As though, with the passage of time, he'd become more comfortable in his skin. Ben watched now as his lover entered the room, and felt a smile creeping across his face, a smile mixed with equal parts admiration, adoration, exaltation, appreciation, praise, longing, lustful intent, and a love that transformed, transfixed, transmogrified and decimated everything before it, and everything that had come up against it.
Their love had been tested. It had been beaten black and blue, and yet it remained strong, unwavering, unconquered, and moving ever forward. It had come up against many roadblocks over the years, some larger and more dangerous than others. It had come up against the mighty Brian Kinney, who for some reason, after all the years he'd known Michael, finally got around to telling him he was in love with him. Ben knew it was coming; he just never expected to live to see it, let alone be so affected by it. He thought it would happen after he'd died and Michael was alone. Ben thought it would be around this time, when Michael needed it more then he'd ever needed anything, that Brian would finally bite the bullet and tell him how he'd always felt about him.
It had thrown both Michael and Ben for a little while, simply because it came out of left field. It had come during one of those times when Brian and Justin were on the outs. That relationship had more ups and downs than any roller coaster ride at Coney Island. They loved each other a great deal; there was no doubt about that part of it. It was just that they couldn't be around each other for more then a few months without it going to hell. Then they'd try to be friends and that wouldn't work because they were both still addicted to the sex. It was a fucked up relationship, to say the least. So when Brian said this thing, this huge thing that he'd never really said to anybody, including Justin (which was still part of the problem between them) it was a little hard to swallow at first.
Michael and Brian had gotten together for dinner, just the two of them. It had been a while since this had happened because Brian had been very busy breaking in an associate partner at his agency, and Michael had been just as busy with the opening of another new store. This didn't mean that they didn't talk almost everyday. Ben had never witnessed a friendship of this depth before. In some small ways, he was jealous. This had more to do with the way Brian knew Michael, the years he'd had to learn the lessons comprising who Michael was at heart - those sometimes fast moving waves of his personality, and the years during which Brian had cultivated the relationship. Over the years, however, he'd grown to appreciate Brian for the support he'd given Michael - the way he was always there whenever Michael needed him. The way he'd always be there, no matter what. So when Brian called and asked Michael out, Ben thought it was a great idea for the two friends to get together and have some fun. Ben was working on his fifth book, and he wanted the house to himself for a while. When Michael got home late that night, he looked shell-shocked. His face was pale, his hands were shaking, his throat was dry, and his eyes were red around the edges as if he'd been crying.
Ben didn't even have to ask what happened. Michael went into the story as soon as he entered the bedroom. The tale he told sent shivers up and down Ben's spine. He couldn't believe his ears. He knew that Brian loved Michael and, to some degree, had been in and out of love with Michael over the course of their long and storied relationship. But he never thought that Brian would ever own up to it - at least not like this. It just wasn't like him, even now, to open himself up like that, knowing as he must have known what Michael was going to say, how he was going to respond.
But Brian, being Brian, thought it was best to clear the air once and for all. He was in love with Michael and had been since they were fourteen. Later, Ben and Michael found out why Brian had decided to come clean. Unknown to anyone, Brian Kinney had started seeing a therapist who told him it would be best if he laid all his cards on the table. Apparently, this was supposed to clear the way for him to be with Justin once and for all. The only problem with this little theory was: it didn't work. All it served to do was to end Brian and Justin's relationship - at least romantically, if that's what you wanted to call it. It took them a while, and it took some soothing by Michael, but finally Brian and Justin were just friends. It seemed they made much better friends then they ever did lovers. They actually talked to each other; would wonders never cease!
As for Brian's revelation, and the effect it had on Ben and Michael's relationship: well, Ben got jealous, but it had to do with what Brian had offered Michael - a real chance at "forever". He hadn't wanted Michael to walk away from that just because he felt some sort of loyalty to him. However, Michael, as he always did, got to the heart of the matter and told Ben in no uncertain terms that he'd rather have just one day of their relationship than forever with anyone else on the planet, including Brian Kinney.
Ben had always known how Michael felt about Brian. Although the situation had, in the past, caused some tension between them, this had more to do with Brian's behavior and Michael's reactions to it than actually questioning Michael's feelings for him. Ben had never questioned Michael's love for him. He'd always known that Michael adored him, would and had done anything for him, to be with him, even when it wasn't such a great place to be. Even when whatever new medication they had Ben on had him puking his guts out or having diarrhea for days, weeks even. Michael never complained, Ben never felt scorned for being sick, he only felt Michael's concern, and his undying love. Their love had survived several visits to the hospital - some of those stays lasting weeks, even months at a time. He marveled at the way Michael just took care of business, running the stores, taking care of the house, being there for his friends, and all of this he while practically living at the hospital.
Their love had survived the tenacity of one Dr. David Cameron who, after being in Portland for years,decided to move back to Pittsburgh. It seems he missed his old practice, his house, and Michael. Besides, Hank had been old enough that he didn't need nor did he want his father around all the time. David had the wherewithal to find out where Michael and Ben lived. That was, however, during one of Ben's recuperations. David had known Michael was in a relationship but not the extent of the involvement. Once he got to the house and saw what was going on, he decided to try and make himself part of it. Michael saw what he was doing and put a stop to it. It would appear that David wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces after Ben died. He didn't count on the fact that Michael was no longer the man he once knew, or that Ben was as tough as reinforced steel. David had to learn, once and for all, who the man in Michael's life was, and why he was with this man, and that it had nothing to do with pity or misplaced loyalty. The reason he stayed, the reason he had always stayed was out of love. And if David wanted a place in Michael's life, then he had to accept this and move on - which he finally did. He and Jason were very happy and came to see Michael and Ben often for brunch and dinner. It was nice to see Michael and David come to terms with who they were really meant to be in each other's life.
Their love had endured the coming and goings of loved ones. Debbie marrying Horvath and moving down to Boca. Ted and Emmett's break up. Ted moving to New York to try and get over it. That relationship lasted longer than anyone thought it would - five years. The introduction of Emmett's new love, Arthur, who was a nice enough guy; he just needed to lighten up a bit. The reentry of David into Michael's life, and the terms by which this was accomplished. Not to mention Danny Devore, who had died suddenly in a car wreck on his way to perform at a benefit. Michael had lamented that he hadn't taken the opportunity to at least become friends with his father. Poor Debbie. Michael had never really been able to forgive her for that and Ben really couldn't blame him. To protect his mother's lie, Michael had given up a life long dream - to really know who his father was. And in so doing, he gave up a part of himself that now, with Danny's death, he would never be able to get back. During the funeral, Michael had barely spoken to his mother and her new husband. His anger, for a while had been, inconsolable, and yet completely self-contained. He never lashed out at Debbie, but there had been a distance there that hadn't been there before. There had been a coldness Michael had towards her that might never have thawed. But like he'd done so often in his life, Michael let it go so that he could go on loving her, even though she had betrayed him in the worst possible way: she had lied to him about who he was and, when he found out about it, she denied it. And now there was just no taking it back.
Danny hadn't forgotten his son however, he left everything he owned in the world to Michael. All of his dresses, wigs, make-up, and all of his money, which was enough for Michael to expand his comic book empire and open another store.
Then there was the biggest and final departure. Vic, after a long struggle, succumbed to the disease eating its way through his body. While it was a grave loss for Ben who had come to love and respect Vic for his advice, humor and no bullshit attitude, it had devastated Michael. It wasn't until after Vic's death that Ben realized just how much Michael had come to rely on him. Vic was the only real father figure Michael had ever had, so to lose him was beyond painful. Part of Michael's joy died that day.
It was about three weeks after Vic's death that Ben noticed the graying around Michael's temples. It was a physical representation of his inner grief. Ben found that it didn't make him look older - just weathered in a kind way. It only served to enhance his beauty; even Brian had begged him not to dye it. Ben found the gray made Michael look sexy as all hell. There was just something about the gray weaving its way through the raven blackness of Michael's hair that got Ben hard every time he thought about it, let alone saw it or, God forbid, ran runs his fingers through it. There was just something about the way it contrasted with Michael's large, dreamy brown eyes. It all at once made you want to take care of him and surrender to him.
Now, looking at Michael standing in the doorway in a black Armani suit tailored to accentuate his lean muscular body, and a turquoise silk shirt underneath, unbuttoned at the top exposing just a flash of skin, sent millions of tiny electric shocks through Ben's body. It had been ten years; Michael was now 41 and still had all the boyish charm Ben had fallen in love with so many years ago. His love of comic books and, as it turns out, his considerable business savvy, had made him a wealthy man. He still looked at Ben with those damn eyes - eyes that spoke all at once of respect and love mixed with an intoxicating desire for his lover that had never faded, and, in fact, had seemed to grow, over the years.
Michael scanned the room, bypassing his friends and family who had come to celebrate with them tonight, until he found the object of his search. Ben was sitting at the bar, in his Vercace suit, smiling at him. Their eyes connected and it was as if no one else was in the room with them. All the music seemed to fade into the background as Michael made a beeline for his man. This was an anniversary Michael never thought they'd reach, considering how many times the man he loved had been near death, had actually taken death's hand and walked toward the light until something happened to bring Ben fighting back to him.
Suddenly, Michael wished all these people were gone and he could just rip off the layers of clothing separating them and spend the night in bed exploring already familiar terrain. It's not that he didn't appreciate all the effort Emmett had put into this or, for that matter, all the money Brian had spent. But right now, looking into the blue-gray eyes of his lover, his partner, his man, he wanted to be alone with him. He wanted to strip him naked and lavish kisses all over his body.
Finally, he reached Ben, who rose to greet him. They kissed long and passionately, forgetting this was a party. When they finally came up for air, their guests sent up a cheer that could be heard down the block. There was a slow moving chorus of "happy anniversary to you," starting from the back and crawling its way forward. Debbie was there, as was Horvath, all smiles and tears. Ted showed up with is new significant other. Justin came with his boyfriend of the month. Melanie, Lindsey and Gus were standing next to Emmett and Arthur who were all slightly behind and off to the side of Brian. Brian was standing in the front, clapping because he knew how hard they had fought, and all the shit they had to go through to get to this day.
"Happy anniversary, baby." Ben whispered in Michael's ear.
"Same to you kiddo..."
Betwixt me and the dreadful outer brink
Of obvious death, where I, who thought to singI yield the grave for thy sake, and exchange
My near sweet view of heaven, for earth with thee!
Nor God's infliction, nor death's neighbourhood.--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
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Out of the dust of dreams
Fairies weave their garments
Out of the purple and rose of old memories
They make rainbow wings
No wonder we find them such marvelous things!--Langston Hughes