Michael walked into his apartment looking at the familiar surroundings grateful to be home but not sure he didn't want to be there. He felt trapped by a situation one he could find no way out of. His heart was broken, his trust damaged in ways he never thought possible, and on top of all that he couldn't turn to his Uncle for some greatly needed sage advice. And with Brian being sick nor could he lay any of this on him.
He tried to rationalize it in his mind. Maybe it was just something about him. That the men in his life never saw him as enough for them, no matter what he did or how hard he tried. It had started with Brian. After all the years of loving him, of being there for him, of taking care of him and standing up for him, and putting up with his bullshit Brian never saw him. Not really. Oh sure Brian loved him, needed him, depended on him, but he never saw him. Michael was the moon in the back round that made it possible for the sun to shine. While he had his own light it wasn't nearly half as bright nor was it half as noticed. It was just there the opposite of the other working in concert with the other, but never really touching the other, there was never this coming together.
Brian always needed more, there had to be more men, more drugs, more alcohol, more everything. Michael had learned to accept that, that was just Brian being Brian. And he loved him for who he was, and for who he wasn't. What Brian didn't see didn't matter, they had a bond stronger than any he'd ever felt until Ben.
//At that name a hell of grief goes so near my heart.//
Then along came David and all the rules changed. Everything Michael thought he knew went flying out the window. David loved him deeply and had fought for him fiercely. David came into his world and shattered his notions of what his life could be. There was more to the universe than the limited experience of Liberty Avenue and life at the clubs with Brian.
David opened him up to the possibility of something else. He awakened that thing in Michael that had always been there just denied because he thought it an impossibility. David came along and broke down concrete walls by allowing Michael the dream of a life of being with one person, of being that person's home. And for a while it seemed he could have that. Two things stopped him.
One was his lingering feelings for Brian and wanting Brian to be the man he came home to. He loved David, but there was always something missing. Always a void that he never seemed able to fill. At first he's thought it was the age difference between them, and the fact that there were things that David knew and had seen that Michael couldn't come close to knowing or even understanding. David had lived and loved long term with both a man and a woman. He had a child and saw the world completely different than Michael did. And Brian was always making these little and not so little digs about that. Whether he knew it or not or intended to do it or not he kept feeding into Michael insecurities about himself. While at the same time keeping alive the possibility of them one day being more then they presently were.
The second thing that had ruined it, although Michael had forgiven it at the time and tried to place it out of his mind was that David had cheated on him. And that more so than anything Brian could have said fed into him thinking that this was wrong, that he was wrong. That he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship David wanted and his cheating only served to prove to Michael that he wasn't enough, never good enough for the men he loved, and who claimed to love him.
But he forgave David because it was just sex right, and what there had was so much more. What they shared then they shared their body's wasn't just sex it was love, it was commitment, it was everything, it was, it was...
So how could he? Brian said that it was because they were men. And Michael had wanted to believe that so much that he didn't take heed to himself, when the voice inside his head told him that he was a man too. And that while he was with David his body and as much of his heart as he could give that wasn't occupied by Brian was his. That he'd been tempted to but that he didn't act on it because he loved David.
No he didn't listen to that part of him telling him that he wouldn't have done the same thing. But that part of him was lying, because had Brian been willing to be the man he'd needed him to be he's have left David. So maybe part of David's going out and needing to feel attractive was in part due to the fact that David felt insecure in the relationship. So he'd forgiven him and tried to be there more for David.
Michael hoped things would be different once they got out of Pittsburg. Hoped that with the distance and Michael willingness to give up everything and move to Portland with him, that David would finally realize that he wanted this to work. But about two weeks after he'd arrived he found out that David had gone to the baths in Portland. Only this time it wasn't just a hand job. And they spent the next four weeks fighting. Michael found that he couldn't be in close contact with David without his skin crawling because he knew that no matter what he did, David still felt the need to have more, and after giving up everything there just was no more for him to give.
Then there was Ben, and the world changed again. And this time it changed in ways and directions never before conceived. The blue in the sky took on a bright hue of blue, the stars in the sky were more brilliant, and he felt like a better person. Ben was the answer to a lot of questions that Michael had that no one could answer. Ben saw things in him that no one had ever seen, he allowed Michael to give voice to things he'd been hiding from for years. He listened and didn't judge when Michel told him about his lingering feelings for Brian, he understood and didn't hold it against him as a character flaw.
Ben held him and loved him in ways Michael didn't think were possible, Ben made him feel like he could do anything, could be anything, could go anywhere because he would be there. They'd really become a family, they had custody of Hunter, and the baby was on the way. Things seemed to be going fine. But then isn't that always the way? Just when things were going fine and you're actually happy the fucking ceiling falls in on you. But in this case not just the ceiling fell in, but the floor was being ripped out from under him as well.
First Vic dies, and then Brian has cancer, and to top it off Ben cheats on him. And he didn't care that Ben didn't actually fuck the guy. That's only a matter of geography, the intent was there. He was willing with the slip of a zipper to throw away everything they had. Michael closed his eyes against the pain of it.
Michael jumped when he heard the key in the door. He wiped his eyes and braced himself. It had taken him two weeks to work up the courage to confront Ben so he made sure that Hunter would be spending some time with Debbie.
"Michael."
"You sound surprised to see me."
"I am actually." Ben said moving further into the apartment.
"Are you expecting someone, should I go?"
"Don't." Ben said lowering his voice and putting down his bag.
"Oh right you're the injured party in all this, I forgot."
"It's not that. It's just that you've been avoiding me." Ben replied stepping closer to Michael wanting to touch him.
"Can you blame me? You cheated on me, and don't give me that whole bullshit about not actually fucking him. You wanted to, and by your own admission you didn't stop because you thought about me and what you were about to lose. You stopped because he wanted to get infected. And then you thought about me and what you had to lose." Michael spit out tears forming in his eyes again.
"I'm an asshole. And I can't apologize enough. Tell me what I can do?"
"That's just it there's nothing you can do."
"Are we..." Ben started but was unable to finish.
"That's the question isn't it? Are we? The sad thing is it's been so hard not being with you when you're so near." Michael said the tears flowing freely now.
"Don't cry baby I can't take it when you cry. Especially when I'm the reason for it." Ben stepped closer reaching out to touch his lover.
"Don't." Michael didn't move but the warning was clear in his voice.
"Michael please."
"Please what? Just forgive you? Just get over it? What!?"
"Let me touch you, hold you."
"It's not that easy."
"I know. I'll never be able to take it back, or make it right. But there has to be a way I can make it better. To take away some of the pain of it. Please baby let me try."
"You told me once that if you let yourself love someone that you needed to know that they were going to be there. That they wouldn't run away. Now I need to know that. I need to know that if I forgive you that you'll be there and won't go running scared every time things get hard." Michael said looking into the blue grey of Ben's eyes searching.
"I remember that you didn't just say that you would you showed me you would. If you give me the chance Michael I'll show that you can trust me again." Ben said closing the gap taking Michael into his arms.
"I'm tired. I feel like a worn out rag that someone's used too many times. I'm hurt, confused, scared and I'm tired of being angry at you. It takes too much energy to try and hate you." Michael said giving in to Ben's embrace.
"So what does this mean?" Ben asked absorbing the missed heat of Michael's body.
"It means I'm a fool. It means I'm a fucking glutton for punishment. It means I love you more than I hate what you did."
"You're no fool, or a glutton for punishment. And I love you too."
"So. Did you eat?" Michael said pulling back from Ben.
"No. I'm not hungry."
"You have to eat. Isn't it about time to take your medication?"
"Yeah."
"So you go do that and I'll make us some food."
"Michael."
"Yeah."
"I..."
"I know.