"I love you, Mikey," Brian said softly as he held Michael close in his arms feeling the press of the smaller man's body.
"I know," Michael replied a little confused as to where this sudden display of affection was coming from.
"That's not what I mean," Brian said pulling back from Michael slightly, looking down into his deep brown eyes then kissing him passionately.
"Holy shit," Michael said breaking the kiss, stepping back holding his mouth as he almost fell over Brian's Barcelona chair.
"You okay?" Brian quizzed grabbing hold of Michael to steady him.
"I'm going home." Michael uttered a little dazed and confused. "You need to go to bed. You're high or drunk or both," Michael said twisting out of Brian's grasp and reaching for his jacket on the couch.
"Will you be still?" Brian said trying to grab hold of Michael again as he friend tried to escape. "I'm not high or drunk and...Mikey, come on we have to talk about this."
"No. No. Actually we don't," Michael said finally standing still looking at Brian now with wide eyes.
"We can't avoid it, Mikey," Brian said stepping closer to his friend but afraid to touch him thinking he'd run off like a scared rabbit.
"We've been avoiding this conversation for twenty years now. Ten or fifteen more won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things," Michael said turning his back on Brian and heading for the kitchen to get a drink his mouth suddenly as dry as the Sahara desert.
"I know my timings off, but..." Brian started.
"Off. Off he says. Like it's a fucking switch," Michael said in a surprised whisper to himself. "Your timing sucks. What the fuck are you thinking? Are you thinking? Is this some fucked up joke? Because if it is I'll tell you right now, it's not funny," Michael said turning from the refrigerator with a bottle of water.
"Michael. Calm down. Just listen to me for a minute," Brian said coming towards Michael his hands out in front of him as if to ward off a blow.
"Calm down?" Michael asked rubbing his hand over his face then through his hair. "You can't possibly be serious?" Michael said backing up not wanting Brian to touch him.
"Just hear me out, that's all I ask," Brian said stopping about ten feet away from a confused and angry Michael.
"Talk," Michael said in a dry soft voice that belied his tension.
"I know this comes out of nowhere for you. But it's been on my mind for a while now," Brian said wrapping his arms around himself the way he used to when he was still teenager.
"How long of a while?" Michael asked talking a long drink from the bottle of water.
"I don't know. I've always kinda known. I just you know never admitted it to myself. But lately it's just been there, all the time. And it's everything I can do not to rip Ben's head off every time I see him hold you or kiss you. 'Cause it should be me. It always should have been me," Brian said taking a small step toward Michael testing to see if it were safe to do so yet.
"Ben," Michael whispered closing his eyes, feeling the ring on his finger. "I need to go home," Michael said opening his eyes looking at Brian.
"Don't. Not yet." Brian looked at Michael with pleading eyes. "I've been trying to find the right time to tell you. Then I realized there is no right time to spring this on you so..."
"What about Justin?" Michael asked. "He loves you. He's gone through hell and back to be with you. Doesn't that count? Or is this all about what you want and fuck everyone else?" Michael quizzed his voice sounding to his own ears far more calm than he felt.
"How I feel about you has nothing to do with Justin and it never has," Brian said coming closer. "I've always been able to keep how I feel about you separate from how I feel about everyone else."
"How convenient for you," Michael said near hysterical laughter. "What am I supposed to do with this now?" Michael asked his arms folded protectively across his chest.
"I'm not asking you to do anything. I just wanted you to know," Brian said his voice soft.
"Why now? Why would you want me to know now, when even if I wanted to I couldn't do anything about it?" Michael asked raising his voice slightly as he came closer to Brian.
"You don't want to do anything about it?" Brian quizzed in an almost playful tone, trying to lighten the mood.
"This isn't a game, Brian. This is my life. What exactly did you think would happen tonight? Huh? I really want to know. I mean, did you think you'd tell me this and I'd drop my drawers for you and completely fuck up my life? Did you think that far ahead, or did ya just think you'd tell me and see what happened from there?" Michael asked now face to face with Brian staring intently into the deep hazel eyes.
"I don't know. I was holding you. Smelling your hair like so many other times before and it just came out. It wasn't planned, not the way you think," Brian said his voice barely above a whisper since Michael was standing so close to him.
"How much of this has to do with me marrying Ben?" Michael asked walking away from Brian and back towards the window.
"What?" Brian quizzed off balance.
"How much of this, need to confess your feelings for me have to do with me marrying Ben? I mean 'cause since you've always felt like this, you could have told me along time ago. You could have told me before I moved in with David, or went to Portland. You could have told me when I came back from Portland. Or before I met Ben. Or when he and I weren't seeing each other. So why now? When I'm married to him? When you know I won't leave him? Or is that the reason, because you know I won't call your bluff?" Michael asked slowly.
"You know me better than that, Mikey. I'm not bluffing. I wouldn't do that to you," Brian said coming up behind Michael wrapping his arms around the smaller man. "I told you because it's the one true thing in my life that I've always known. It's the one thing that's ever really meant anything to me. And it's gotten me through some hard times. And I've hurt you a lot by not saying it before now. I've taken advantage and I'm sorry. And yeah part of the reason I'm telling you now is because of Ben. Not for the reasons you think. I see you two together. I see how happy he makes you. How happy you two are together and it gets to me sometimes because I've been a coward all these years. I have all the time in the world to offer you, Michael and he..." Brian trailed off.
"Only has himself," Michael finished.
"And it's enough. More than enough. I kinda hate him a little. I'm even jealous of him. And if you tell anyone I'll deny it. And then I'll hunt you down and kill you," Brian said against Michael's ear.
"Hey baby," Ben said putting aside the papers he was grading as Michael entered the bedroom.
"Hey," Michael said pulling off his shoes and sliding into bed beside his husband.
"What's going on?" Ben quizzed.
"I'm not sure. But I think Brian just let me go," Michael said wrapping Ben's arms around him for protection.
"What?" Ben asked holding Michael close to him.
"He told me he was in love with me tonight," Michael said looking up into Ben's blue eyes.
"Excuse me? He said what?" Ben asked in shock.
"Yeah that was my reaction. But it's not what you think," Michael said reassuring Ben.
"Good. "Cause I was thinking I should go over there and set him straight," Ben said.
"I thought you understood about Brian and me." Michael asked kind of amused at how jealous Ben was acting.
"No one's that understanding, Michael," Ben said giving Michael a squeeze. "I don't understand how this means you're free though. It seems to me it confuses things."
"Not really. He knew when he told me it wouldn't change anything."
"Then why tell you at all?"
"Because it was the only secret we really had from each other all these years. It's the only thing we've never really talked about. The one thing that stood between him and Justin and you and I."
"And now?"
"Now it's out there. I know how he feels, he's always known how I feel. And now we're free of it. It's there but it doesn't change anything."
"So he told you when it couldn't change anything?"
"He told me when he knew I'd be okay. He told me because I have you. Because I love you. Because I married you."
"Can I just say that you two have the most complicated relationship I've ever seen?"
"Yeah but it works."
"So what does being free feel like?"
"I'm not sure. It's not like all that much has changed between us."
"Maybe nothing has, except maybe your perception a little. You're not two halves of a whole anymore. It's not you two against the world anymore. The dynamic duo. You're two men living your lives. Loving the people you love and each other just not in the way either of you thought you would. I think what makes you both free is now you both know it."
"I knew I married you for a reason," Michael said reaching up to kiss Ben.
"Yeah, my incredible body," Ben said kissing him back.