"Go on ahead. This will only take an hour or so. I just need to speak to a colleague who promised to be a guest lecturer for my class. We need to iron out the final details."
"Are you sure? I really don't mind waiting. We could walk over together."
"It's okay. There's no point in you sitting around bored. It won't take long. I'll be right behind you."
"Ahh. My favorite position!"
"Don't tempt me sweetheart. I'll never be able to concentrate on work. Just walk slowly and soak up the atmosphere."
"I don't know. If I let it soak in too long I might not be able to wash it out. I think I've counted about forty-two passenger cars, twenty-two cabs, seven buses, and sixteen chain smokers, in the last five minutes."
"One of the more annoying disadvantages of the Big Apple. But trust me. The cultural advantages more than make up for all that pollution. There's nothing like the city in late summer, early fall. Enjoy your walk and I'll meet you in the central plaza at about nine. I promise we'll have the rest of the morning to ourselves."
"All right. If you insist. I'll see you in a little bit. Don't be late or I might have to run off with some dreamy out-of-work musician." Michael reached up and pecked Ben's smiling lips before heading towards Fulton Street. When he'd walked half a block away he turned and waved to Ben who he'd known would be watching. Michael turned around again, smiling to himself and looking forward to the day.
They were sitting in the diner having breakfast. Just the usual gang : Brian, Ted, Emmett--minus one--Michael.
"Hey Deb! Can we get some service over here?"
"Hold your horses, Brian! Besides, I thought you liked to go the baths for that kind of thing."
"Ha ha. Could you save the stand-up comedy routine until we're not starving to death, " Brian said with impatience. The others nodded in agreement. "So when are Michael and spouse coming back to town?"
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him in a couple of days. Actually I'm starting to get a little worried. When he went to France he checked in with me every day. You don't suppose he's been kidnapped by a psychotic serial killer or one of those white slavery rings?"
As always Ted was the voice of reason. "Well I think the current mayor of New York City has done a lot to run out most of the white slavers. As for the serial killers, most of them would probably be better labeled as sociopathic, indicating a lack of moral conscience and an inability to appreciate basic societal rules meant to preserve life and health. Some of them do tend to gravitate towards big cities like New York though. It must be all the great restaurants and Broadway shows. I'm sure they're too busy to kidnap and maim anyone. After all going to dinner and a play must take at least four hours, not to mention looking for parking..."
"Theodore Schmidt, when I need a heaping dose of sarcasm I'll serve it to myself, thank you very much! You can keep yours to yourself unless you want to continue to starve." Her piercing glare stopped Ted cold.
"Sorry. I was only trying to help."
Emmett piped in with reassurance, "Deb I'm sure the good professor is busy showing Michael all the wonderful sights to be seen in the city. We really didn't get a chance to soak it in last year. And that alternative medicine conference their attending sounds great. They're probably mellowing out in a haze of incense and meditating away all their troubles while getting fabulous rub-downs. Michael seems kind of stressed lately. The poor baby needs a break from the real world."
Brian sniffed in disdain. "I don't know why they had to go out of state for that. They could just as well have gone to Babylon and mellowed out in a haze of incense while dancing all their troubles away. Then for the rub-down there's always the back room."
"That haze is not incense, Babylon sure ain't mellow, and that's not the kind of rub-down I was talking about. They need a peaceful environment," said Emmett. His face scrunched up in thought for a moment. "I must admit, though, that I did have that wonderful romantic relationship that one time. The crowd and the noise almost seemed to disappear. We were in our own little tranquil world." He sighed with pleasure, lost in the memory.
Ted snorted, "Em, the only thing that disappeared that night was your common sense. I don't think two hours really counts as a relationship anyway. And let's not forget the melodramatic breakup later less than twenty-fours later." Emmett rewarded that statement by sticking out his tongue.
Brian laughed. "Don't make Ted any promises you can't keep Emmett. It's been awhile. He's probably desperate."
Ted sighed, at a loss for a snappy reply. 'One of these days' he thought.
Emmett gave Brian's rude remark all the attention it deserved, which is to say none at all. He suddenly brightened. "They could always make a quick stop at next door Fire Island and see all the pretty boys. "
Shaking his head in disappointment, Brian set Emmett straight. "You must have skipped the geography lessons. Fire Island is off the coast of Long Island, not Manhattan island.
Ted added, "And even if it were I doubt that the two of them are into sight seeing. They're in a 'relationship'. They're practically inseparable these days."
Emmett disagreed, "A relationship is no reason to limit yourself. Just because you bought art to hang over your mantelpiece, doesn't mean you can't still visit the galleries and museums. And I do know where Fire Island is. It's only a few hours from where they are now and well worth the trip from what I hear."
Brian stood up. "Ladies, as much as I'd like to discuss down home wisdom from Auntie Em, some of us actually have jobs that start in the morning. Enjoy your breakfast if it ever gets here."
"I heard that you little asshole," Debbie shouted from across the room. "I'll have you know that I've been mentioned in the local newspaper, praising the service I provide." Brian opened his mouth to make a smart aleck reply, but seeing the warning glare back on Debbie's face, thought better of it and walked out to his jeep. Ted and Emmett applauded his restraint.
Ben hurried down the street, glancing at his watch. His meeting with Professor Amasu had gone smoothly. The arrangements were made and there had even been time left over for a cup of coffee. Now he couldn't wait to meet Michael and spend the morning together. After breakfast and the tour he really wanted to go to Chinatown. As he got within eyeshot of his destination he heard a familiar roaring noise. Despite his rush he noticed that several people nearby were standing still and pointing up at something. Looking up at the sky, Ben's initial puzzlement quickly turned to horror.
Brian leaned back in his chair while wrapping up a phone call. The paper in front of him was covered in abstract doodles which he had scribbled while talking. Through his office window he noticed a small crowd of people talking excitedly. 'It's a little early for office gossip.' He swiveled around and fixed his focus onto the opposite wall.
The door slamming open startled him enough to make him drop his pen. "Brian!"
"Cynthia, I'm on the phone," he said emphasizing his annoyance with raised eyebrows.
"Haven't you heard? It's all over the news! We're under attack!"
"What? What's wrong? Is the VCR on the fritz again? I told you that hitting it wasn't the best way to turn it on. VCR's aren't into S&M." She laughed at her own joke while cracking the ever present gum in her mouth.
"Sis, this is serious. It's about Michael and Ben. There's something going on in New York."
The gum cracking stopped immediately. "Oh my God! What's wrong with Michael? Did Ben call you? I knew they shouldn't have gone! The things I hear on the news about New York could turn my wig white. Did they get mugged? Is that it? That's not so bad. They can always cancel their credit cards. Aren't you supposed to be at the comic book store? All the meditation in the world is not going to help Michael if anything happens to that store. Did you speak to him today? What happened? Why won't you answer me?" Her voice continued to rise hysterically attracting the attention of the diner's patrons who craned their necks to see what was going on. Debbie lost her last strand of composure. "Unless you're going to buy fucking tickets, you don't get to watch the fucking show!" Everyone turned away guiltily.
"Deb let's just sit. I can't really say this in front of everyone." He lead his sister by the arm gently and they sat in the booth furthest in the back. Ted and Emmett watched from afar as Vic began to speak quickly and quietly. It seemed like forever, but in actuality it was only a couple of minutes. While that was going on the back, a small drama seemed to be unfolding in front of the diner. Crowds of people were gathering up and down the block.
Suddenly Debbie began to scream. She jumped out of the booth and rapidly backed away. "Noooo! My baby!" Suddenly she collapsed to the floor in a senseless heap before Vic could catch her. Ted and Emmett rushed over to help.
"Hey! Over here! This guy needs help!" The young woman bent closer to the man over whom she had nearly tripped. From a distance he looked dead. Up close he was breathing, but barely. She wiped some of the dust off his face and began blowing air into his mouth. She thanked God for the CPR course she had taken last year as part of her lifeguard training. After a couple of breaths she checked for a pulse. Luckily it was present although a little slow. High-pitched wheezing came from his chest with each breath. She continued CPR, stopping only briefly to yell for help. He seemed to improve a little finally coughing up some of the gray ash that covered everything in view. Through the thick layers of debris, the people and buildings were barely visible. Since the devastating noise not long ago, things seemed eerily quiet except for the constant sound of sirens and fire alarms. She could barely hear her own voice.
After what seemed like ages, help miraculously appeared in the form of a policeman and two passerby who helped her to lift the unconscious man.
"We need to get him to a doctor right away! He's having trouble breathing." Only when the policemen and strangers began to talk to her did the young woman realize that things may not have been as quiet as she thought. Rather, the blast had deafened her. She shrugged it off and lifted her part of the burden.
"Do you know this man?" asked the officer.
"No I don't. I found him on the street. I tried to do CPR, but I was so scared..."
"It's okay. You did fine. This man most likely would have died without you."
The policeman led the way as they sought the nearest medical facility. A second miracle occurred when a passing cab driver stopped to give them a lift to the hospital. After helping to load the stranger into the cab, the two passerby left to seek out their loved ones. The young woman and the police officer continued to administer CPR en route. A quick search through his pockets failed to reveal any identification.
Upon arrival, emergency room personnel immediately took over. As soon as was possible, the policeman left to offer his assistance to others. John Doe was whisked into one of the trauma rooms. Intravenous lines were placed while the doctor assessed him.
"His lungs are really tight! Let's give him a round of epi and prep him for intubation. Call respiratory. He's gonna need a vent." The young woman watched through the open curtain with tears in her eyes. She didn't realize that she was mumbling her prayers out loud. Nor did she realize that other weary patients had added their quiet prayers to hers for the sick John Doe.
"What have you got?"
"White male, in his early 30's. Found wandering a couple of blocks from the explosion site. Disoriented. Passed out on the way here, but blood pressure, heart rate, and respirations are stable. Has a good size contusion on the back of his head. Minor cuts and bruises on the rest of him. Probable smoke and dust inhalation. We had him on 100% oxygen for the ride. Oxygen saturation is normal.
The triage nurse quickly assessed the patient's vital signs. She whipped out a penlight and checked his pupils. Finding him to be stable, she ordered, "Put him on the stretcher next to room five. As you can see we're a little short on space. We'll leave him on the oxygen and observe him." As the EMT's brought the man over to the stretcher, the nurse asked, "Any idea who this man is?"
"Oh yeah, we did find a wallet on him. Haven't opened it yet." The EMT who was speaking pulled the object in question out of the bag under the stretcher. He flipped it open and pulled out a card. Squinting, he said, "Looks like it says....." He frowned, rubbed his fingers on his sleeve, then rubbed at the card in his hand. "Sorry. I smudged it with ashes. His name's.... What the...!?" A heavy weight had hit him in the back without warning, knocking him over and sending both card and wallet spinning across the floor.
"LET ME OUTTA HERE! The world is ending! Get offa me! Let me go!" The wild man managed to evade the three pairs of hands trying to grab him and get him under control. "Save yourselves!"
"Calm down Andy! If the world is ending, you might as well stay in here right?" Andy ignored the speaker who was trying to talk him down and continued to shout out dire warnings to anyone listening.
A quick thinking clerk paged security on the overhead PA system. They arrived in record time and rapidly took control of the situation. The distraught man struggled against his captors while a physician administered a sedative injection. As he became sleepy, Andy whispered one last declaration, "Save yourselves. 'In all things behold your end, and often remember how you shall stand before the high Judge from whom nothing is hid.'" He was carried into a secure room, away from the main ER, muttering about sin and the apocalypse.*
The EMT with whom he had collided shook his head in disbelief as he sat where he'd landed. "When we brought Amazing Andy in last night he was saying the same damn thing. This isn't the the first time one of his predictions has come true. Maybe he's not so crazy after all. Maybe I should have listened to him last year when he tried to give me stock tips. I could have been filthy rich. I could be living in the lap of luxury in the Bahamas like I've always wanted. I'd laugh if it didn't hurt my ribs." Despite his final remark he did indeed begin to laugh while those standing nearest looked on in concern and sympathy.
Margot, his partner stretched her hand out. "Let's go grab a cup of coffee, Oliver. Then we'll go back out." He clasped her hand and accepted her assistance. Together they walked to the hospital cafeteria in companiable silence. They had a hellish day ahead of them, but not as bad as those who still needed help.
Dr. Therese Rudolfo closed the chart with weariness. Her ICU was stretched to its breaking point. And yet most of the patients being brought in were actually pedestrians and drivers caught outside the falling buildings. Although the entire hospital was on high alert, there were frighteningly few victims from inside the towers. The implications of that were too horrifying to dwell upon. She had to focus on the patients in front of her without falling apart. With that goal in mind she walked through the unit towards Room 5. The unit was darker than usual because they'd closed all the blinds. Blocking out the view of smoke and debris floating in the air was more important than getting the little bit of sunshine peeking through. There was no way to block out the smell though--a faint yet unmistakable burning odor which wouldn't let anyone forget. If you did manage to forget for a second, a visitor or staff member would come in having recently stepped outside. They brought with them new waves of dust and ash on their clothes and in their hair. The stuff was everywhere.
'Doctor, can you take a look at Mr. Anwar? He's complaining of chest pain and his blood pressure is a little high. Do you want to change the dose of his dopamine?'
'Dr. Rudy, Mr. Anessa has a fever and he's already on triple antibiotics. Do you want us to pan-culture him?'
'Doc, Mrs. Crutcher is looking better. The anesthesia has worn off and she's thirsty. Can she have something to drink?'
'Dr. Rudolfo, the ER is calling. They have a patient who needs an ICU bed. He's unconscious and intubated--a blast victim. Can you take the call now?'
The temptation to scream out, 'Leave me alone!" had been almost irresistible. All the residents and nurses and other staff were just as exhausted as she was. They all had family and friends who they couldn't contact since the phone lines to the outside weren't working. And none of them could leave because the next shift couldn't get in through the war zone outside. Therese could only be thankful that the power had not gone out again since that brief time this morning. Manually ventilating seven critical patients in the dark was even worse than it sounded. Luckily the back up generator had kicked in. Even the patients in the midst of surgery had been okay--one man just barely.
The problems today had been endless, but manageable as long as she didn't think about how many other problems awaited. She stopped at the room containing the latest problem. Room 5. On television, people who were unconscious always looked like they were sleeping peacefully. In her line of work, the ones who looked that peaceful were often in big trouble. She stared at the man in the bed and worried. He had been tough to stabilize, but was a little better now. They had no name for him, but one of the residents had started calling him Jonah. Hopefully he would follow in his biblical namesake's footsteps and emerge from the belly of the whale unscathed. They'd done everything they could here and now he needed time..... time to heal and time to emerge from the darkness.
"...I mean Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! We can send a man to the moon, clone sheep, and talk to anyone in the world with a small hunk of plastic. You'd think that with all the money and brains this country has we'd be able to keep some freakin' fanatics from attacking us with our own damn planes! What the hell is wrong here?"
Lindsay tried to distract Debbie without much success. They'd all been on edge since this morning's disastrous events. Melanie was quietly playing with Gus on the couch. When she blew raspberries on his stomach, he giggled gleefully. To be that innocent and unaware would be a blessing at the moment. Emmett was pacing and wringing his hands. Vic was staring into his cup of tea. They had agreed unanimously to turn off the television for a while. The repetitive images of the plane hitting the towers, of the towers colliding, of the decimated Pentagon building, had been overwhelming. They were all too terrified to even contemplate the fourth plane which had hit so close to home.
"I can't sit here anymore! I need to do something... anything! If only that damned cell phone was working now! If I could just here his voice..." She slammed down the phone which she had picked up for the millionth time.
Lindsay tried again. "Mel, aren't you getting a little tired? Maybe Gus would like to play with Deb for a few minutes. We could go outside and stretch our legs. Debbie, do you mind?"
Deb snapped out of her rant long enough to answer, "Of course I don't mind honey. Come here Gus. I can always make time for my sweet boy!" She hugged the baby until he squealed and gave him a big kiss on the forehead. He leaned his head against her shoulder and stuck his fingers in his mouth, content to be snuggled. Debbie closed her eyes and touched her forehead to the baby's. "I remember when Michael was this small like it was yesterday. It took me forever to get him to stop sucking his thumb. Guess he was just practicing for later." That got the only laugh any of them had had in the last few hours. After the laughter stopped, they sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
Brian could still hear the pounding of his feet on the treadmill, over the music on his headphones. He turned up the radio dial a couple of notches. After twenty minutes of running flat out, he stepped off and collapsed to the floor. 'I have to get rid of those posters one of these days.' The blown up photographs of Mikey at age ten and age twenty were a constant reminder of last year's birthday bonanza. Brian had taken them off the wall long ago, but today he'd had the sudden urge to look at them again. So out of the closet they came 'faster than Michael' and he'd stared at them while running. Funny. He'd forgotten what a cute kid Mikey had been--despite the Prince Valiant haircut.
When the door intercom buzzed he considered ignoring it. He'd left work to get away from the constant talking about 'it'. Another buzz. Whoever was outside was persistent. He grabbed his towel, wiped off his head and torso and walked to the intercom.
"What do you want?!"
"I need to borrow a cup of sugar. What do you think I want?"
"Oh. It's you. You might was well come up Ted." He buzzed the front door open and then opened the loft door. As the elevator gears ground slowly he strolled to the fridge and got a bottle of water. He sat down on a barstool and waited.
Ted walked into the loft. "With that kind of greeting, you wonder why I don't come here more often."
"Actually, that thought never crossed my mind. Now that I know, I'll be sure to keep doing it."
"I didn't come here to trade insults with you."
"What then? I'm fresh out of baseball cards."
Ted thought over his words carefully. "Brian, why are you here by yourself?"
"It's Tuesday afternoon Teddy. I don't usually get started until after sundown. Besides, all the good tricks are at church weeping and moaning. It's pathetic." He took another swig of water.
"I mean why aren't you with us at Debbie's house? You don't have to tough it out alone."
"Did you hear what I just said, Schmidt? We don't know what happened to him. What's the point in sitting around and beating our chests in agony? He and Saint Benjamin are probably sitting in a temple, sucking down sunflower seeds and green tea, and praying for world peace!"
"Brian..."
"They'll come back here safe and sound and laugh about how much time we wasted worrying!"
"Brian!"
"What? I don't want to sit around and hold hands! Can't you understand that?"
"Brian. It's okay."
"What the fuck is okay about any of this???" Ted jumped back as Brian hurled the half empty water bottle across the room. The thud and bounce and the water dripping down the framed photograph on the wall fascinated them both for a moment--a very brief moment.
"It's okay to worry, Brian. We all love him. We all want him to come home safe."
Brian stared at Ted stone-faced and tight-lipped. After a long pause, Ted added reluctantly, but gently, "We all know we might not get what we want."
Impossibly, Brian's expression became even stonier. Still, he was unable to stop the tears that began to well up.
"May I help you, Miss...?"
"Villa. Sarah Villa. I'm trying to find out how one of the patients is doing. He was brought to the ICU today."
"Of course dear. What's his name?"
"I don't really know. Nobody knows. I found him on the street after one of the towers collapsed. He wasn't breathing well and I had to do CPR. A cop and three other people helped me bring him in. He didn't look too good in the emergency room. They had to put a tube down his throat. Nobody know who he is or where he comes from and I just figured someone should check on him and make sure he's alright." She rushed to add, "Not that you all aren't taking good care of him... but... I just... The road to my dorm is barricaded and I can't call home, and..." She stopped unable to continue.
Annie Duke nodded in sympathy. Her many years at the ICU front desk had made her the star witness of many such disjointed speeches. "He's in guarded condition. Because you aren't a family member, I can't really say anything more without the attending physician's permission."
"I understand. Is he here? May I speak with him?"
"She--Dr. Rudolfo--is quite busy at the moment. If you want to wait a little while, I'll see if I can catch her. There's a couch and a coffee machine in the waiting room."
A couple of rooms down from the desk there was a flurry of activity. Monitors seemed to beeping loudly in one particular room. A nurse ran in and moments later stuck her head out of the doorway.
"Annie! Get Dr. Rudy. We need her in Room 5 STAT!"
Sarah looked on with a growing sense of dread.
Anthony jotted down his patient's vital signs. He pulled a stethoscope from around his neck and prepared to listen to the man's heart and lungs. After he was done, he tucked the blanket back into place and turned to walk to the next patient. A sound had him turning around again. He heard a soft voice croaking as if not used for a long time.
"Where is..." After cough, the rusty voice became clearer. "Where am I?"
"Good afternoon. You're at St. Rita's Medical Center. Someone brought you here because you got hurt this morning. You've been sleeping for a while. Can you tell me your name?
The man shook his head as if doing so would clear his thoughts. Oliver was curious as the nameless man looked around to the left, right, and behind as if searching for something. Giving up, he focused on Oliver and finally spoke again. "Michael?"
Anthony was relieved. "Great. Your name is Michael?"
Again the man shook his head. "No. My friend... boyfriend. I was going to meet him when I saw the plane crash. Is he here? His name is Michael."
The buzzing of my beach ball alarm clock woke me up. I automatically reached to turn it off, but couldn't find it in the dark. In fact it was so dark that I couldn't see my hands in front of my face. Eventually the buzzing stopped on its own. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed a light in the distance. Strange... I didn't think it had been there a few seconds ago. It seemed to be coming from the end of the hallway. As I stared it seemed to take the shape of a doorway. Was it getting brighter?
I started to walk toward it then stopped in confusion. When had I gotten out of the bed? Where was I? This wasn't my apartment or Ben's or even my old bedroom at my mom's house. I tried to remember if I had taken anything last night, but my memories of the night before were a little cloudy. It sure felt like I had. I had that sort of airy feeling like my feet weren't exactly touching the ground. Damn! Did someone slip me something when I wasn't looking?
I shook off my confusion and began to walk towards the doorway again. My footsteps made no sound. Silence surrounded me like a warm blanket until I almost reached my destination. I stopped just beyond the doorway, feeling strangely nervous. Suddenly someone spoke.
'Are you ready?'
I whipped around to find the source of the voice. There was no one there. How did I know that? It was too dark to see anything. But I could sense the emptiness of the space around me. Maybe I was imagining the voice. It could be a side effect of whatever drug was in my system.
'Was it worth it?'
This time I could make out a figure, standing a few feet away. With the second question, I thought the voice seemed familiar, but couldn't put a name to it--to her. Again, like with the door, she (it?) became brighter and brighter until I couldn't figure out how it was possible that I hadn't see her before. I couldn't see her face. It was like seeing someone coming towards me with the sun behind them. Only in this case, there wasn't any sun--only her. I should have been scared or at least a little nervous but instead I felt safe.
"Who are you? You sound like someone I know. Have I met you before?"
Silence. I knew she was still there because now I could feel her presence in the hallway. The brightness had not dimmed although it's shape seemed more like a person. "Is what worth it?"
She gestured to the open door. I stepped closer... closer... and stepped into my old bedroom. There was a boy stretched out on the bed on his stomach. In front of him was a comic book and a piece of tracing paper. He was concentrating on tracing the figures on the page. Wavy black hair fell over his forehead blocking his face from view. Occasionally he sniffed. Once he ran the back of his hand across his face. Someone knocked on the door. I moved to the side and waited for the boy to notice me, but he didn't look up from the pages in his hands.
"Come in!" The door opened gently and my Uncle Vic walked in. I stepped forward to greet him but he didn't notice me either. Was I invisible?
"How are you doing Michael?" The boy shrugged with his head still down.
"What? Are you too old to hug your favorite uncle? I've been away for almost a month." This time the boy looked up. His coal-black eyes and pale skin were instantly recognizable to me. After all, I had seen that face in the mirror every day. It had changed a lot since I was fifteen years old. I watched myself as I got up and hugged my uncle. He gave me (the younger me) a hug and ruffled my hair. "Your mother's worried because you won't talk to her."
"Mom panics if I don't give her a second-by-second account of my whole life."
"You know... if you keep rolling your eyes like that, they're going to get stuck. Maybe you have to just accept that your mother loves you and is going to worry about everything in your life."
"There's nothing to worry about!" He sat abruptly on the bed.
"Then why are you alone in your room, on your birthday?" Younger Michael shrugged again. Uncle Vic waited, but not for long.
"I wanted to get together with Peter and Scott, but Aunt Laura and Uncle George won't let them go out with me." Vic waited, knowing what was coming next. "They think I'm gonna turn my cousins into fags if I share a pizza with them! They probably think I molest other kids and wear dresses for fun, and...!"
Vic interrupted in midstream. "Michael, George and Laura have always been close-minded. Ever since we were kids, George has always been one of those bullies who beats up kids who are different from himself. Your mother and I used to think that he'd been switched at birth." He paused and captured Michael's chin in his hand. "But if you remember that there are at least two people--three if you include your friend Brian--who love you no matter what, you can deal with the rest of the savages out there. It's their loss if they don't realize what a great person you are."
Michael jumped up from the bed again and gave his uncle a bear hug this time. "Thanks Uncle Vic. I love you you too."
"Come on. Let's go downstairs. I'm sure I smell a pie baking in the oven." Vic put his arm around Michael's shoulders and they walked downstairs. I followed them down. A rushing noise filled my head as I reached the last step...
...When I reached the kitchen, I found Brian sitting at the table staring sullenly at the place mat in front of him. A slightly older version of my teenage self sat on the the other side of the table with his head in his hands. Both of them looked a little peaked. My mother was ranting.
"What did you two think? That I wouldn't realize you'd been drinking? Big mistake! I've been around the block a few too many times to be fooled by a couple of scrawny adolescent boys! Don't you give me that look Brian Kinney!" Brian rearranged his expression into a less belligerent one--with difficulty.
"And you!" She pointed at my younger self, who cringed. "You should know better. Haven't I always taught you how dangerous that stuff can be? When I think of what my brother went through with Scott..." She stopped, closed her eyes, and swallowed back the tears. "Don't you realize how much you both mean to me? I couldn't stand it if something bad happened to either one of you. I don't want you to end up on some hospital stretcher because you did something stupid!" Michael pushed back his chair, stood and approached his mother. He caught Brian's eyes in a flash of silent communication.
"I'm sorry Ma. It won't happen again."
"It better not, you little asshole. Otherwise, I'll knock your heads together you so hard you're clothes will be out of style when you wake up." Her open arms made a lie of her angry words and she held onto her son.
I walked out of the kitchen and made my way to the front door. I walked out into the bright sunlight...
"...and I still can't believe it. I told Candy that she shouldn't put the candles so close to the curtains. Candy swore it would make it easier to channel her dead grandmother if we sat on the floor surrounded by flame. It probably would have been okay if it hadn't been so windy that day. Those sheer silk curtains sure looked pretty in the breeze..."
"I still can't believe she changed her name to Candy Cane."
"She feels that it represents the two sides of her nature... I don't know if that really applies anymore, since she had that operation." They both sat silently and pondered that for a while. "Anyway, I really need a place to crash. I promise it'll be temporary."
"Okay Emmett. But you have to pay half the rent and utilities and grocery bills. And it's only temporary!"
"Oh Michael, you're a godsend. Without you I'd be on the first bus back to Hazelhurst, Mississippi. But don't you worry. As soon as I find a place, I'll be out of your hair! In the meanwhile, it'll be like a slumber party. We can make..."
I walked away from the chattering on the park bench...
...and found myself in downtown Pittsburgh in front of the general hospital. I walked through and went to the intensive care floor. At the nurse's station, Brian and Emmett sat in molded plastic chairs. Across from them was Ted's mother, Margaret Schmidt. I walked to the room where I knew Ted was still lying in a coma. I saw myself holding Ted's left hand.
"Hey Ted. I'm not sure if you can hear me, but it's Michael. What did you do? You better wake up. Who else can do Emmett's taxes? You know how clueless he is."
I watched myself looking at the two monitors beeping at Ted's bedside. I remembered the wavy green lines and the beeping from when my uncle had been in a coma. It was strange to think that life could be measured by a green dot on a screen. The other Michael looked again at his friend.
"Ted. That's not the whole truth. I want you to wake up for me too. What would I do without you? Sometimes you're the only one of my friends I can really talk to. You never call me pathetic and you don't break down into tears at every little thing. That may not seem like much, but sometimes it's the only thing I need." Michael took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I really should tell you this stuff when you're awake, but I always figured you'd be there. When you wake up, if you don't remember this conversation, I promise I'll tell you again." Michael sat for a while longer holding his friend's hand.
I turned from the scene before me...
...and walked into the small medical building. It seemed like such a long time since I'd been there. I went to the third floor and entered the second door on the left. In the large airy office, I found myself sitting on a chair with David standing behind me. He held my face gently turned towards himself.
"You're adorable you know that." He kissed me gently on the lips and pulled me to stand in front of him again. "Okay we can start again, but this time no bullshit."
"Okay."
"We take it one step at a time."
"Okay."
"And you have to promise not to mention Brian's name for at least ten minutes."
"Okay. Anything else?"
"Yeah. One more. You have to take me to some of the places you like to go. I want us both to get to know each other."
Michael smiled with obvious pleasure. "I think I can arrange a tour of my favorite hot spots without a problem. But I have some demands of my own."
"Like what?"
"Number one--you have to give me a back rub at least once per week."
"No problem."
"Number two--I'd like to drive the jag at least one time."
"Done. What's number three?"
"You simply must stop looking so sexy. It's very distracting, you know."
David growled and pulled Michael in for a longer kiss.
I left them alone and went back out into the street. It was dark now. I walked down the street, passing Woody's. Since I wasn't really here, I didn't know where to go. Ahead of me a couple walked together...
"Well, I told you. I know what I want and I'll do anything to get it."
"You mean me?"
"Yeah, I mean you."
They stopped and I watched as Ben and Michael kissed. They continued walking down the street with hands clasped...
...They entered Ben's apartment still talking:
"It was supposed to be dinner, not the fucking Spanish Inquisition! She knows lots of positive people!"
"But none of them are dating her son. She's just trying to protect you."
"I don't need anyone protecting me."
"Try telling her that... What she was asking, you have a right to know. I'm in good shape now but I can't promise that I'll always be."
"But there is no always. There's only now. That's all we have. Isn't that what you're always telling me?"
"That's what I'm always telling you."
"So then... I don't care what anyone else says or feels. I just care how I feel."
They walked towards the bedroom, pulling off shirt and pants and everything else, kissing as they edged over to the bedroom. Moments later, Ben stopped my hand which held the condom.
"I want you to be very sure."
"I am sure." They switched positions so that Ben was above. He kissed me, staring into my eyes. I was sure. The blood rushed to my head blotting out all sound...
...I back away slowly from the rest of the crowd. This can't be happening. Around me, there are people staring at the smoke and the red and gold fireballs billowing from the hole torn in the tower's side. Why am I still standing here? Yet I can't leave. Maybe if I wait, I'll wake up from this nightmare. Others are trying to make calls on their cell phones or walking away or running away in panic. A brave few are running towards the towers to help.
Although I thought I was calm, deep inside I could feel my heart pounding. One thought: 'I have to find Ben!' kept ringing through my mind. I began to shoulder my way through the buzzing crowd. When I reached a clear spot I took a deep breath--and started coughing. For a moment I had forgotten about the debris floating around us all. There were bits of paper and who knows what else dancing in the sky, turning the plaza into a surreal snow globe. I coughed again. Damn! I knew I should have brought my asthma inhaler with me. I looked around trying to orient myself, then began walking back to the university.
Before I even got to the street, I saw Ben walking through the crowd. With disbelief we all heard the roar of another plane engine. I was afraid to turn around. That didn't prevent me from hearing the second crash. The earth shook and the sky turned black. As a second wave of debris rained down on us, I heard a high pitched whining sound coming from the right. I felt a shock go through my chest. I managed to scream once, "Ben!!" before everything went black. As I fell I thought I heard several voices murmuring above me...
"His heart rhythm is back to normal. Blood pressure is ninety-five over sixty." Therese put the defibrillator paddles back in their cradle. Would this day never end? "Okay now that all the excitement is over, can someone tell me what happened here?"
The nurse assigned to Jonah began to speak. "He seemed to be stable until about fifteen minutes ago. His oxygen level suddenly started dropping and he was bucking the ventilator. I took him off the mechanical vent to hand ventilate him, but the oxygen continued to drop. Then his heart rate dropped." She stopped and frowned at the floor. "I should have called you sooner, Dr.Rudy."
Therese put her hand on the nurse's shoulder in a gesture of comfort. "It's okay, Linda. You acted right away. I would have done the same things that you did. I don't think the one minute you waited made any difference." She looked at Jonah. He looked the same as he had before--as if nothing had happened. "He acts like someone who has asthma or some other pre-existing lung disease. I think that's why he's been so difficult to ventilate. We'll just have to keep him on a continuous epinephrine drip until he's more stable." She stepped back to the bed to review his ventilator settings and medications. The other staff members, except for Linda, filed slowly out of the room.
"Dr. Rudy, Do you think he'll make it?"
Therese looked up, surprised at the question. And then she realized she shouldn't be surprised. She sometimes forgot how young some of these ICU nurses were. 'God, I'm thinking like I'm some prehistoric fossil. Am I really only forty years old?'
After a moment of thought, she answered. "If we can keep him stable over the next twenty-four hours, his chances should be good. Asthmatics are really hard to ventilate, but it can be done when necessary. He's young and he looks like he's in pretty good shape. The people who rescued him, got him here very quickly. All those factors make his chances better. You're doing a good job so far with a difficult case."
The tentative smile on Linda's face didn't last long. However, she seemed a little less down after hearing the doctor's words. She turned back to her patient with renewed purpose. 'Jonah, you and I have a long night ahead of us. Let's do this.'
Tuesday
"Schmidt, when I let you in here I didn't think you were going to set up camp." He stared at the target of his irritation, who was sitting on the couch. Unluckily for Ted, Brian had recovered from his earlier moment of vulnerability with a vengeance.
"Brian, I'm not leaving until you agree to join the rest of us. I know we haven't been the best of friends, but we ARE friends. We can talk about this or we can talk about something else if you'd like. Or we can sit in silence like we've been doing for the last," he looked at his watch, "two hours."
"Fine! Since we're going to do what I'd like, you'd better grab your coat. If I'm going to be bored to tears, I might as well be drunk too. We can get a drink at Woody's. I hope you brought your wallet because I'm not buying."
Ted was almost relieved by Brian's hostility. Up until today, only Michael, Lindsay, and Gus had been privy to the softer side of Brian. The sharp edges which everyone else saw were like built-in protection reflex, not unlike a chameleon changing colors.
The two men exited the loft, hopped into Brian's jeep, and headed downtown.
"Okay Mr. Bruckner. The doctor has cleared you for discharge. We think you only had a mild concussion..." Anthony proceeded to go through the discharge instructions with his patient. "...otherwise you can just follow up with your regular doctor. Any questions?"
Ben shook his head. "No... Well, maybe one question. I told you I'm from out of town. I need to check out the local hospitals to find my boyfriend. I know he got hurt, but I wasn't able to get to him in time. Since you were nice enough to check, I know he's not here, but I'm not sure where to start looking."
"The closest hospital to us is Mercy. Several people were taken there." Anthony wrote down the directions and gave them to Ben along with the discharge papers. "Good luck. I hope you find you're friend safe and sound."
"I really appreciate your help today, Anthony. I know that you were very busy."
"You're welcome. That's why I'm here--to help. Oh yeah, before I forget, I have something of yours." He reached into the pocket of his white jacket and pulled out a wallet which he handed over to its owner. "It was misplaced during a scuffle with an out-of-control patient. Luckily someone found it and turned it in."
"Thanks." Ben examined the contents of the wallet. "It doesn't even look like anything is missing." He slipped it into his jacket pocket and stood up to leave.
They said their final goodbyes and Ben left the emergency room. He glanced at the written directions one more time and then started the trek to Mercy Hospital. As he walked he found it hard to believe that he was still in the same city. Of course he had seen many images like this. He'd read the magazine articles and seen photos of war-torn countries and bombed out cities. They were all in places like the Middle East or Asia or Africa. They were on the news or on t.v. or on the pages of a book. Wherever they were, they were far from home. 'I never thought I'd be standing in the middle of it all.'
"I told you that going to a bar was a bad idea."
"Ted if you don't shut up..." Brian stopped, his throbbing headache preventing him from completing the threat. They had driven to several drinking establishments, but every place was the same. The televisions and radios were all tuned onto the same broadcasts. The people were having the same conversations about who and what and why. Fear and anger were palpable presences in the entire city. So instead of getting drunk, they were pulling up to Debbie Novotny's house. Brian parked and sat staring blindly at the steering wheel.
"Aren't you coming in? I'm sure Gus would love to see you. And Vic and Lindsay were going to cook something for us all."
Brian was silent for a long time. Finally, "Shit! What am I going to say to Debbie? I don't know how to fix this."
"You don't have to say anything or fix anything. Just being there is enough for now."
Brian gave a tight nod and jumped out of the jeep, followed by Ted. He knocked and entered the unlocked door without waiting for an invitation.
"Sarah! Wake up Sarah."
The girl in question sat up rapidly from her supine position on the couch. "What? What is it?"
"I'm sorry to startle you. You are Sarah Villa aren't you?"
"Yes I am." She glanced at the doctor's name tag--Therese Rudolfo, M.D. "Oh Dr. Rudolfo, I really wanted to speak to you about the patient in Room 5."
"Yes I know. The unit secretary told me you'd been waiting. Have you had anything to eat or drink today?"
"I did have a bagel for breakfast this morning."
"Why don't we talk in my office? I'll treat you to a cup of coffee."
Sarah agreed and the two women headed down the hall to the doctor's office. Therese poured out two cups of coffee and handed one to the younger woman. At her gesture, they both sat on the couch.
"You did a pretty brave thing out there Sarah. A lot of people would have walked right by and saved themselves. You should be proud of yourself. If Jonah had stayed outside much longer, he might not have made it."
"I'm sorry. Who's Jonah?"
"My staff liked that name better than John Doe. We haven't found out who he is yet. I'm hoping that he'll be stable enough in a few days to tell us himself."
"So he is doing better. I was afraid he had taken a turn for the worse."
"I must be honest. He had a setback this afternoon. However, he recovered relatively quickly. We'll just have to wait and see how he does over the next day or two." Her gaze swept over Sarah. She took in the ripped clothes and the dust. "What about you? Were you hurt at all?"
"Nothing happened to me that a shower, clean clothes, and a twelve hour nap wouldn't cure."
Therese smiled. "We might actually be able to help you with some of that. I only wish that all of the problems today were so easy to solve."
Ben was tired. The third hospital he had checked hadn't turned up anything. He'd already gotten lost twice. So many streets were unnavigable because of debris or police blockades. How was he ever going to find Michael in all this mess? He took out his wallet and opened it to find Michael's picture...
"'Into any scene?' Wow Michael, I wish I'd known earlier because I have a few interesting ideas..." Laughing, Michael tried to turn off his laptop, but Ben wouldn't let him. "Wait! I want a copy of this picture. Can you make it wallet-sized?" With a few strokes on the keyboard, Michael fulfilled his lover's request. Together they looked through the responses Michael had received when he started advertising himself on the internet. The inbox was filled with numerous pictures of hot men.
"And you went out with one of these men? Should I be jealous? Maybe he's out there pining away for you."
"I went out with that one," Michael replied pointing to a picture of a handsome young man with brown hair and a sculpted jaw, "But it was empty and meaningless. After you and I broke up I was really lonely. It was an act of desperation."
"Actually I think he's really good looking. Was he everything you expected?"
"Hmmm. And more. The picture is accurate. But you would not believe the amount of work and money he put in to look like that... Which reminds me to ask, have you ever had any surgery?"
"I had my appendix out as a child and my tonsils when I was in high school. Why do you ask?"
"Unfortunately I've had more than one date with someone who was--shall we say 'enhanced' either surgically or nonsurgically. You can never be too careful."
"Everything you see was as Mother Nature made it. My only enhancement comes from regular exercise. Trust me Michael."
'... trust me... there's nothing like New York... trust me...' His own words to Michael echoed through his mind until he thought that his head would burst. He looked up, surprised to see that night had set in. However, there was nothing else to do but keep walking.
"You want to go NOW? Don't you think it would be better to go in the morning? Besides, what if one of them calls?"
"Brian, I am only going to repeat this once. I cannot sit in this house for one minute longer. One of my friends called and said that the hospital will be collecting blood until late tonight. I just need a ride. If you don't want to stay, then fine. I'll catch a cab back home."
"Don't be ridiculous, Deb. Of course I'll stay. Maybe I'll donate blood too." He noticed Ted raising his eyebrows at that. "What?"
"I didn't say anything." Ted pasted a look of innocence on his face.
"Fuck you. I get tested every three months. I'm always negative. The blood bank should be happy to get some of my blood."
"Actually I was thinking more of those special 'vitamins' you've been taking lately."
Deb cut in, "As fascinating as this conversation is, maybe we should get a move on." She turned to her brother. "Vic, I'll call you as soon as we get there. Please try to stay off the phone. I don't trust that call waiting."
"Of course, Sis. And if I hear anything, I'll call Brian's cell phone immediately." He walked over to his little sister and gave her a fierce hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You keep praying, okay?"
"I haven't stopped." She gathered her coat and purse and headed outside.
Lindsay was standing in the kitchen with Melanie. She handed Gus over to his other mother and kissed both of them goodbye. "I'll see you in a little bit Mel. I don't want to leave Brian and Debbie alone."
Melanie nodded in understanding, "Do what you have to do. I'll hold down the home front." She followed Lindsay, Brian, Ted, and Emmett to the front steps and watched them drive away in the jeep. She didn't turn when Vic stepped out next to her.
Several minutes elapsed before he spoke. "It's funny isn't it? I keep expecting everything to look completely different. But it's all the same. I can't even tell that anything happened."
Mel's eyes swept over the neighborhood--the houses with lighted windows, the leaves fanning lightly in the wind, and the stars above partially obscured by clouds. Down the street a dog was barking. Vic was right. They continued to stare out into the quiet night.
Linda sat on the chair in Room 5, writing notes on her patient's latest vital signs. She stood up to check his I.V. lines and his medication drips. While she worked she really looked at him. A quick glance at the doorway revealed that no one else was near the room. She started to whisper.
"Don't tell anyone I said this, but you're really cute. You kind of remind me of this boy I used to like when I was in high school. He had curly black hair like yours. Only he used to wear it a little longer with spikes. He was really funny and nice, but he only liked me as a friend."
The monitors continued to beep with a steady rhythm. The compressor for the ventilator also made it's own rhythm.
"I'm sorry about all the noise in here. They renovated the other half of the ICU. This side isn't due to be redone until next year. That means that you get the crappy, old compressor instead of the nice quiet ones in the wall. The only good thing about that is maybe noise will wake you up..." her voice softened as her thoughts wandered.
"You scared me half to death, ya know. Earlier today I mean. Everyone always told me that the ICU was the best place to work in this hospital. Each nurse is supposed to get only one or two patients at a time. And the patient's are usually interesting to take care of because they're really sick... "
"I sometimes forget that people who are really sick can die... Don't get me wrong, I've taken care of people who died, but they were old or had been sick for a while. No one like you, Jonah."
"Don't be confused when you wake up. Your name's probably not Jonah, but I couldn't keep calling you John Doe. Jonah and the whale is my daughter's favorite story. I usually read it to her at bedtime. Hopefully, her father remembers the story because he'll have to read it tonight. Otherwise she can't fall asleep. If you don't remember it, I can tell it to you." She stared at her sleeping patient. He seemed to breathing a little more easily.
"All right, you twisted my arm. But I'm only doing this because you did really well tonight. We were able to turn down the pressure on the ventilator a little. Dr. Rudy says we might even be able to turn down the epinephrine drip later tonight."
Linda sat down and made herself comfortable. She picked up Jonah's hand. It had warmed up over the past few hours. She began, "This is a story about a man named Jonah who was chosen to spread a special message to the people of... "
Ben trudged wearily down the street. He saw a small restaurant which seemed to have some activity inside. He entered and approached the man at the front desk.
"Excuse me, do you have a phone I can use?"
The man looked up from what he was writing with a sympathetic smile. With a heavy Italian accent he responded, "Of course sir, right this way." He lead Ben to the back where the phones were located.
Ben picked up the phone and hesitated. 'What am I going to tell them?' He considered not dialing, but his conscience told him that Michael's friends and family must be overwhelmed with worry. He finally chickened out and decided to call his sister first. After a long conversation during which she did a lot of crying and he did a lot of soothing, he finally revealed Michael's unknown whereabouts.
"Oh my God, Ben you must be frantic! Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, although I wish there was. I just have to keep looking. I was hoping to find him before calling his family. When I tell them the news, they're going to freak."
"Yeah, probably, but you need to do it. Look at it this way, Benji--you got out okay and Michael was standing pretty close to you. Chances are good that he's fine. He may even be looking for you right now."
They talked for a little bit longer and then Ben hung up. He suddenly noticed the same man from the front desk, standing at his side.
"Here, sir. I brought you a nice bowl of warm soup. You look like you could use some nourishment."
Ben looked a bit sheepish. "I can't really afford to pay. All I have is the money in my wallet. I'm not sure I'll be able to get my other belongings because they're in a hotel near the World Trade Center."
"Please sir, don't insult me. It's--how do you say?--on the house. All these other guests," his hand swept around to indicate the other patrons, "...they don't pay either. My grandmother would be ashamed if I asked for money on a day like this. Here. Eat this before you fall down." The owner pressed the bowl of soup into Ben's hands and hurried away to direct the kitchen staff.
Ben took a sip of the soup and instantly felt a little better. After he finished, he set the bowl down and returned to the phones. He took a deep breath and picked up the handset.
"Operator, I'd like to make a call to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I need to reverse the charges. Yes. The number is..."
Melanie was tucking Gus into the playpen which she and Vic had set up in the living room. It was way past the baby's bedtime and he was fast asleep. She jumped, startled when the phone rang in the kitchen and destroyed the silence.
"I'll get it!" Vic quickly walked to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?"
Ben hung up the phone, impossibly feeling more weary then he had before. Vic had not blamed him, but the guilt had clawed at Ben's insides. He leaned against the wall and thought. He gradually felt the tingling sensation of someone watching and turned to find he was now being offered a cup of hot chocolate and a piece of crusty Italian bread.
"You look hungry still. Please, you will eat this sir?"
"Please call me Ben. Really, this is too much." But Ben's protestations fell on deaf ears.
"It's a pleasure to meet you meet you Ben. I am Leonardo Fellini. Everyone calls me Leo. Please sit with me. We can talk for a bit."
Ben acquiesced and the two men seated themselves at a small table. Leo placed the food in front of Ben and waited for him to take a few bites before speaking.
"I could not help but overhear that you are searching for a friend."
"Yes. My friend Michael and I were supposed to meet in the World Trade Center Plaza. I told him to go ahead of me while I took care of some business. I sent him there..." He waited to let the lump in his throat shrink in size. "I found him right before the second plane hit. He was only a few yards away from me. Then the second plane hit and I only remember dust and cement and paper flying through the sky. I couldn't see him after that and I don't know where he is now."
"It is possible that he made it out just like you did."
"That's what I'm hoping, but a feeling deep inside tells me that something is wrong. I can't ignore it."
"Let me tell you a story, Ben." Leo leaned forward with his arms against the table and caught Ben's gaze. "Tonight, everyone asks me 'Leo, why are you giving food away? Why will you not let us pay.' I tell them that I am blessed today. Either they think I am crazy or that I speak of the fact that I was not injured. No. Of course I thank God that I am unhurt, but I am blessed in a different way." He now leaned back in his seat and smiled.
"I have a son. He is thirty-two years old. He is a wonderful boy. He is a hard worker like me, like his mother. He has been working at a bank in the World Trade Center for ten years now... ten years." He raised his eyebrows to make a point. "For those ten years, he never missed a day of work, never was late. In fact, he usually goes to work early. I tell him, 'Angelo, why do you work so hard? You are successful. You can afford to take it easy.' Do you know how he answered me?" Ben shook his head no.
"He told me, 'Papa, I work hard so I can take care of my family like you and Ma took care of me and to set an example for my children.' As I said, he's a good boy. He and his wife had already given my wife and me two grandchildren. I teased him. I said, 'Luckily, the twins were born on Friday night otherwise you would have missed work.'"
"His wife was pregnant again. The baby was due to be born in three weeks. This morning Angelo called to tell me that Maria delivered a healthy baby girl at eight thirty. For the first time since he started working at the bank, he took the day off."
"So you see my friend, I am doubly blessed. And I feel that you too will be blessed and you will find your friend."
Despite the illogic of it, Ben felt that this meeting had somehow been predestined. For the first time in twelve hours, he felt a small spark of hope.
Sarah shook Linda's hand. "Thanks for letting me see him. I was really worried. Do you think it would be okay if I called later to see how he's doing?"
"Sure. Just ask for me or the nurse taking care of him. I'll pass it along to my relief. Are you sure you'll be okay walking by yourself?"
"Yeah. One of the security guards who's off duty said he'd walk me home. I have to get back to the dorm and find out what happened to my friends. "
They said their goodbyes and Sarah went to find her escort.
"Yes. It is near the university dorms. There is a hospital there. Several people told me that some of the injured were brought there. They also told me that there are many news cameras reporting from the area. Maybe they will let you show a picture of your friend to help you find him? It is worth trying anyway, no?"
Ben was almost overwhelmed with gratitude for everything Leo had done for him. "Leo your friends and family are lucky to have you... Actually, you remind me a lot of my friend, Michael. When this is over, I'll have to bring him here to introduce you."
"Excellent! You bring him here and I will make a special dish that will make you weep." They both laughed as Leo walked Ben to the door.
Brian, Ted, and Emmett sat on hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. They had long since run out of chit chat. Each man sat silently, lost in his own thoughts. Debbie and Lindsay had been called into the next room ages ago to fill out registration forms and donate their blood.
Eventually, Emmett stood and wandered to the hallway. It was lined with large windows. Though the bright neon lights made it almost impossible to see through the plate glass, he tried to stare blindly into the night.
Ted approached him and spoke gently. "Em, are you all right?"
"I guess so. Except that I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I want everything to go back to the way it was yesterday, Teddy, when the only things I had to worry about were paying the phone bill and who to call to get the latest round of gossip." He didn't mention the one thing that was weighing on all their minds, but Ted understood.
"Yeah. I'm worried about them too."
Emmett turned to Ted, revealing red-rimmed, teary eyes. He stretched out his arms and the two leaned into each other for a hug. They were interrupted by Brian.
"We're leaving... now."
Emmett released Ted and was the first to respond in confusion. "What are talking about? We have to wait for Deb and Lindsay. And we haven't donated yet. Wait, did you hear something?"
Brian seemed reluctant to speak, but finally admitted, "Vic just called me. We couldn't talk long because they said I couldn't use my cell phone in the building. Vic told me that Ben called..."
"Oh that's fabulous! They're all right then." At Brian's silence, Emmett began to worry again. "Brian, they ARE all right aren't they?"
Brian considered not answering, not speaking the words out loud which would make the news real. But the two waiting faces demanded an immediate answer. He ground out, "Ben's fine. Just a concussion... but Michael's missing. We need to go find him."
Ted paled and Emmett gasped in shock. All three were surprised to hear Debbie speak behind them.
"You know you're not leaving without me, don't you?"
"... and we don't know if we'll find someplace to stay. We might even have to sleep in the car. You know how you have that bad back. And if we can't take the car into the city you'd have to do all that walking..." Debbie, Ted, and Brian let Emmett go on and on. Eventually he slowed to a stop with, "...Don't you agree?"
Debbie responded, having been the target of Emmett's ramblings. "Are you finished?"
Uh, yeah."
"Good. Honey, I don't know when you all decided that I've become a helpless old woman, but it's bullshit. I could probably run rings around you all. You can drive me back to my house so I can pick up some stuff. Then I'm going with you." Now Ted tried, "But Debbie..."
"No, Ted. I've made my decision. When Lindsay's done donating blood, we'll drop her off at the house. Then we'll leave for New York."
"Are you sure? I've been to almost every hospital in the area. Maybe he was registered under a different name. Or maybe he hasn't registered yet."
"I'm sorry sir. There is no Michael Novotny admitted to this hospital. Nor do we have any John Doe's."
Ben ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He looked around as if the answer to his dilemma might be standing somewhere nearby. Unfortunately, the people nearby looked just as lost and frustrated as he felt. He turned back to the registrar, and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. Leo had introduced him to the owner of a Kinko's near the restaurant. As a result of that introduction, Ben now had a stack of flyers with Michael's picture on them. He slapped one onto the registrar's desk.
"Can you at least look at this picture? If he was hurt he might not have been able to tell anyone who he is." Even as he spoke the words, he hated himself for thinking them. He wanted to believe that Michael was fine and was somewhere in the city, chattering in his usual bubbly manner.
The registrar looked at the picture and shook his head. "I've been here all day and I haven't seen that man tonight. But if he came through the emergency department, he might not have stopped here."
"I know he's not in the ER. They let me check there. If he's here, he must be admitted. Maybe I could take a look?"
"I'm sorry," Ben was really starting to hate those two words, "but the hospital has been swamped with similar requests. We can't let you just walk around the hospital looking for your friend. At least not right now. Perhaps in the morning?..."
"The MORNING? Are you fucking kidding me?" Ben surprised himself with the loss of his usual calm, cool demeanor but the situation warranted it.
"Look sir. I understand that you are upset, but it's not fair for me to let you in and no one else. On the other hand, letting everyone in would interfere with the care of the patients and would be a security risk."
'Stop reading from the hospital handbook. I don't care!' Ben wanted to shout. He sized up the registrar judging his ability to just run past him. There were no security personnel in the immediate area. The idea was quickly discarded, however. "Can you at least call me if he does end up here? The number is on the flyer. It's actually a restaurant, but the owner said he would take the message for me. I'll check in with him from time to time until I find a place to stay." "Okay sir. I can't make any promises, but we'll try to contact you as soon as possible IF we see your friend."
"Thank you." Ben decided to follow Leo's second suggestion about the news cameras. He stepped aside and let the next person in line plead his case. He walked through the lobby and outside, his spirits low again.
"You've all lost your minds, haven't you? It's the middle of the night for chrissake! You're never gonna find them if you go off half-cocked like this. Who's fucking plan was this?" She immediately looked at Emmett.
"Why are you looking at me? Don't look at me. I've been trying to convince Debbie that she should stay home and let Ted, Brian and me do the searching."
"Terrific." Her glare landed on Ted next.
"Don't look at me either. I don't think it's a great idea, but if they're going, I'm going."
Brian was the next target. He outstared Mel who gave up and moved on to Lindsay.
"I already told you that I'm not going. And for the record, I did voice my objections. They won't listen to me."
Mel didn't even try Debbie who was busy grabbing a few items from the closet and stuffing them into a small travel bag.
"You know, Ben said he would call in a couple of hours. Maybe you should at least give him a chance before swooping down on New York like the Queer Justice League."
Brian finally spoke up in protest. "A couple of hours might make a huge difference if he needs help. If Ben calls with some news, you have my cell phone number. Deb are you ready?"
"Yeah let's go."
Vic and Melanie, and now Lindsay watched them leave, all three worrying to themselves.
"I really appreciate you walking me home. I was a little nervous about being out so late and breaking curfew." Sarah giggled nervously.
Her escort nodded, "Not a problem. My mom always taught me to never let a woman walk at night, by herself. In Texas, men have been hung by the neck for lesser offenses." He wasn't able to maintain a straight face for very long after that statement.
When their laughter had died down, Sarah asked, "So how long have you been in New York, Matthew?"
"One month and three days, miss. I came here to be on Broadway. I ended up working as a security guard at the hospital to pay the bills."
"Not what you were expecting from the Big Apple, huh?"
"No. I can't say I was expecting any of this, especially today. But I'm still glad I'm here."
"Really? Why? I wish I was back home in Seattle or somewhere else far away from here."
"The way I figure, if I'm here, at least I can do something to help. If I were back home in Texas, all I'd do is worry and feel angry. In fact, I'm heading to ground zero after I drop you off. They still need help putting out fires and looking for survivors."
They continued their to talk and soon arrived at the school campus. There were a lot more people on the street than usual. Sarah noticed a couple of her friends standing with a cluster of others on the street. They were standing near some cars which were covered with cards and flyers. Down the block a news crew was interviewing some of the passerby.
"Well, this is the end of the line for me. I see some of my friends over there."
Matthew tipped his hat slightly. "It was nice meeting you, Sarah. Good luck to you and your friends."
"Same to you. You be careful."
"I will. Thank you, miss."
After the security guard started walking homeward, Sarah hurried over to her friends. They hugged and compared stories about their experiences that day. Luckily, no one they knew had been seriously hurt, although there were still a few students whose whereabouts were unaccounted.
"Excuse me." Sarah was startled at the deep voice near her ear. She stepped aside to let the tall man reach the car. She noticed him placing an orange flyer on the car. 'Gorgeous' she thought, 'even though he is a little old'. She turned back to her friends.
"So what's with these flyers all over the cars?"
"Ohmigod. They're like, pictures of people who are missing and whose families are searching for them. It's so sad." The rest of the group nodded in agreement. Sarah stepped closer to the nearest car to look at some of the pictures. They were all ages and backgrounds--men, women, and sadly a few children. Her eyes were drawn to the orange flyer. At first she thought she must be seeing things, then she realized she wasn't. Her head shot up. It was easy to spot the tall man because he was at least four inches taller then everyone around him.
To her friends' surprise, Sarah began to run to down the block, shouting while she ran.
"Hey wait! Hey mister! Wait!"
Three of the occupants of the car were getting restless. The fourth was sleeping restlessly. When he began to mumble, Emmett leaned in closer to listen.
"...mmrrrme... No, don't...." Emmett touched Ted gently on the shoulder to wake him up. His hand flew back when Ted practically jumped off the seat. "Billy!" Ted looked around in confusion. Gradually he remembered where he was.
"Are you okay Teddy? You sounded like you were having a bad dream."
"Yeah, I'm fine." Ted quickly changed the subject. "Are we almost there?"
Brian was almost at his breaking point. It had been a while since he'd spent this much time with Ted and Emmett in one day. "The next person who asks that is going to be dumped on the side of the road, wrapped in plastic."
"Geez, sorry I asked. What are we allowed to talk about? Please tell me so I don't offend you."
"It's too late. You're still breathing in my presence."
"Come on boys. I know we're stressed but we need to stick together." Leave it to Debbie to try to make peace in her makeshift family.
Emmett decided to break the tension with a change in topic. "So, Brian, have you heard from Justin lately? I've been wondering how he's been doing."
Ted covered his face with his hands and waited for the explosion. Brian was a little touchy about the topic of Justin since the breakup. He was shocked when Brian answered calmly.
"He e-mailed me last week. He's really enjoying his new school. It's hard but they've been really good about letting him do things at his own pace. He says that the worst thing is being so far from home. I don't know what possessed him to go to school in Toronto. It's winter ten months out of the year up there. Oh--I almost forgot--he also said to say 'Hi' to everyone."
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"I'm telling you now, aren't I? Besides, I'm not a freakin' candy-gram boy."
"Is it really so difficult for you to have an ounce of consideration for the rest of us? After all..."
Debbie sighed and let them snipe at each other. 'Are we almost there?' she thought silently.
Ben walked into the ICU, his stomach in knots. He approached the front desk.
"Excuse me." The secretary looked up. "I'm looking for a patient. I was told he's in Room five and that he's being called Jonah."
"Are you a family member?"
Ben answered without hesitation, "Yes."
"Let me get the doctor. She'll want to speak to you before you go in."
"All right. I can wait." 'But not for long' he thought.
The secretary paged the doctor over head. Within a minute an attractive brunette in a long white lab coat approached the desk.
"What is it?"
"This gentleman claims that he's a family member of Jonah."
Ben was mildly insulted at the implication that he might be lying. He pulled out one of his flyers. "My name is Ben Bruckner. I met a student from the local university--Sarah. She says that she recognized Michael from this picture. She told me he was brought here."
Dr. Rudolfo put on her glasses and examined the flyer. "We have to be careful because a few reporters have tried to sneak in here. But, yes, that is our Jonah. So his name is Michael Novotny? I'm glad to finally know his real name."
"May I see him now?"
"Couple of things first." She lead Ben to the small conference room and they sat down. "How are you related to Michael?"
"He's my lover. We've been together for almost six months."
"Does Michael have any medical problems or allergies?"
"No allergies. He has asthma but it's been years since he had an attack. Otherwise he's very healthy."
"I thought that might be the case. All right, let me explain. He is hooked up to a few machines at the moment, but he's stable." Dr. Rudolfo gave Ben a quick run down on Michael's course in the ICU. She left out the cardiac arrest. That information could be given later after Ben had absorbed some of the shock of seeing Michael.
"Are you ready, Mr. Bruckner?"
"Ben. Please call me Ben. And no, I'm not ready." He'd always envisioned this scenario but with the roles reversed. He pushed back his chair, stood and walked with the doctor to Michael's room.
I woke up in darkness again. But it was slow this time--no alarm clock--no bright lights. I still didn't know where I was, but I knew it was different then the last time. Things were quiet, but in a muffled way. The darkness felt smaller somehow. I don't know how to describe it except to say that it was heavy. Everything felt heavy--my head, my eyelids, my arms, my legs... And even though I was awake, I couldn't open my eyes. I guess that explains the darkness. At least my chest felt better then it did before.
I remember our yearly family trips to the Poconoes. The first time we went, I met up with a bunch of other kids who were staying there with their families. We used to hang out at the lake all day, swimming and horsing around. One time we horsed around a little too much and I was pushed into the lake--never even saw who did it. I was a fairly good swimmer, but the push surprised me and kept me off-balance. It took me a few minutes to orient myself. In those endless moments, I thought I was drowning because I couldn't tell which way was up. Kind of like I feel right now. I used to have nightmares about it. Maybe this is just a longer nightmare than usual. Eventually I'll wake and the nightmare will disappear.
I remember also that my mouth was filled with water, but I couldn't swallow. I had that sensation now even though I didn't know why.
Am I dead? I don't think so. I think I might have been close last time though. Note to self--don't make fun of Ben when he starts talking about "the tunnel" and "spiritual planes". Where is Ben anyway? He'd probably get a kick out of this. He's probably got a dozen books about lucid dreaming and dream interpretation.
But if I'm not dead, then where am I? Maybe we were meditating and I went a little too far? I feel so tired. And it's cold in here. The only part of me that feels warm is my hands. I don't want to go back to sleep, but I can't help it. Hopefully after a nap I'll wake up and I'll feel better.
You mean he's been like this all day?" Ben looked away from Michael's face for a moment to look at the nurse and doctor standing on the other side of the bed. "Isn't there anything you can do to make him better?"
Dr. Rudolfo glanced at Linda while choosing her words carefully. No matter how many times she'd had to do this, it was always difficult. "We're using all our available resources. Unfortunately, Michael was exposed to a lot of heat and smoke and dust. His lungs were damaged. The process IS reversible, but it takes time. In the meanwhile, we're doing everything we can to make him stable and comfortable."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's just that I can't stand to see him like this. Usually I can't get him to stop talking. Now he's so quiet and all I can do is sit here and hold his hands." Ben bent his head and kissed the hands he was holding. "I just want him to wake up and be all right."
Dr. Rudolfo nodded in sympathy. "We want that for him too. And we'll do everything in our power." She and Linda stepped out for a moment to give Ben some privacy.
Ben looked at that beloved face. He reached out to touch it, smoothing one eyebrow gently. "You know I've always loved your eyelashes. They're so long." The lashes in question rested against pale, smooth cheeks. Was that a flutter? "I'd give anything to see you open them again."
Emmett's voice rang throughout the car. "I told them the trip was a bad idea. It's so dangerous in New York."
Ted looked at Emmett in amazement. "Excuse me. Weren't you the one salivating about the pretty boys on Fire Island?"
Brian jumped in. "And the fabulous clothing boutiques in the Village."
"Not to mention the endless opportunities for clubbing the night away," Ted tossed in.
Emmett gasped in shock at the dual-headed attack. "Can I help it if I appreciate the finer things in life?"
"I didn't realize that tangerine pleather pants, feather boas, and salon-tanned twinks counted among the finer things in life." Brian couldn't help but laugh at Emmett's indignation.
"Humph! Sometimes I don't know why I speak to any of you. I really need to get a better class of friends."
"Please. I'm the last word when it comes to class--unlike the disco trash clientele at Torso!"
Wearily, Debbie spoke up. "It's a good thing you all are such good friends. Otherwise I'd think you hate each other."
All three men looked at Debbie in surprise, but Ted was the only one to answer. "We do snipe at each other a lot, but you should know it's a sign of affection. Just like when you hit Michael in the head. If we REALLY hated each other we wouldn't bother to talk to one another."
Debbie leaned her head against the back of the car seat and closed her eyes. "I wish you'd all just be nice once in a while. All this sarcasm and backbiting is giving me a headache. You DO remember how to be nice don't you?"
Emmett reached from his seat behind Debbie and placed his hand on her shoulder. "We're sorry Deb. We just needed to kill the time. I don't know about these two, but if I don't distract myself, I'm going to start crying again."
"Yeah. I know Em." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too. I know you all love him. Gosh, if he were here right this minute, I'd give him a hug and a kiss for every time I hit him in his hard head."
Because the nerves in the car were so frayed, they were all startled by the sudden burst of tinny music in the car.
"What the hell was that?" Ted exclaimed.
Brian reached over to the console. "My cell phone." His glare into the rear view mirror dared Ted or Emmett to make a comment. Since she was next to Brian, Debbie missed the look.
"Since when'd you start using 'Unchained Melody' for a ring tone? Didn't know you were such a romantic Brian."
Brian's embarrassment was hidden by the darkness. "Gus must have been playing with my phone again. I don't know how he finds it wherever I hide it." He quickly put the phone earpiece in his right ear. "Hello..... Ben? Where the hell are you?"
"Yes. They said he's stable." Ben paused, listening. "No, he's got a tube down his throat. He can't talk right now. He's not awake yet anyway.... Of course I'm not leaving!... Wait... What?... Why do you need directions?... You're where?... Ummm, hold on a minute."
Ben looked at Annie, who was eavesdropping unashamedly. "Do you think you could give them directions. They're on their way from Pittsburgh." Annie took the phone and began to speak to the other party. Ben lost track of the conversation within seconds.
"... No... Yes... Turn left at that street... I don't know. All the streets are messed up. I'm not even sure they'll let you bring your car into the city... I'm not sure. I think there's some kind of bus or ferry or something... Yes he's standing right in front of me." She handed the phone back to Ben.
"Yes, Brian. Oh... Hi Debbie... No, I'm not hiding anything... The doctor thinks he'll be okay. But she said the next day or two might be kind of rough... I'm sure he knows that already, but I'll tell him. Of course you can tell him again when you get here... " Ben smiled, "Thanks for asking. Yes I'm fine. Just a few scrapes, bruises and a minor concussion... Yes I ate something. Oh..." Annie's curiosity was peaked by the look of surprise on Ben's face and the moisture in his eyes. "You don't have to say that... Yes... I love you too. Tell Brian to drive slowly... I know... I'll see you soon... What?... Oh don't worry. I already spoke to Vic... Yes. Okay, I'll see you all soon."
He handed the phone back to the secretary and walked back to Michael's room.
"Are you okay?" Linda asked.
"Yes. I was talking to Michael's family. They're on their way here."
"Oh good. I'm sure Michael will be happy to see them once he wakes up."
Ben nodded in agreement. He sat in the chair at the bedside and took Michael's right hand into both of his.
"Hey Michael. You'll be happy to know that the gang is on their way. And your Mom told me to say that she loves you." Again, Ben thought he saw a flutter of Michael's eyelashes. "I want to say the same too but you have to wake up first." He looked up at the clock then back down at Michael.
"Almost midnight, Baby. Hard to believe that this day is almost over. I can't wait until all this is yesterday." He lay his head down on the bed and held Michael's hand against his lips.
"Jesus, can't you drive this heap any faster?" Debbie's voice was tight with anxiety.
Brian raised one eyebrow silently. What could he say? The two of them stared at the bumper to bumper traffic surrounding the jeep. Already the police checkpoints were in place to limit traffic into the city. Although it was late, the lights of the city were visible in the distance. Above the southern tip of the island, clouds of smoke still billowed. In the back seat, Ted and Emmett were holding their own conversation. Emmett was doing most of the talking, of course.
"... so it was the biggest flood that had hit that part of Mississippi in twenty years. There were people camped out in their attics and on their rooftops for days. I heard that one woman even delivered a baby on a rooftop a few towns over. Apparently the roof was really steep. The baby almost rolled off. The only thing that kept it from falling in the water was the cord. Luckily her husband--he helped her deliver the baby--hadn't cut the cord yet because he didn't have anything sharp. Thank goodness." He didn't notice Ted's skeptical expression when he added, "I heard they named the baby Bungee."
"You've gotta be kidding me. Now I KNOW you're making this up."
"No! I swear it's true. It was on the local news and the front cover of the "Hazelhurst Bulletin" and everything. I might still have a copy of the article packed away somewhere. I'll show you when we get home."
"I don't know whether it's so ridiculous that I shouldn't believe it or so ridiculous that it couldn't be made up."
Emmett shrugged his shoulders delicately. "I told you. All my stories are true." He looked out the window at the passing traffic, quiet for the first time in twenty minutes.
Even though Ted didn't really believe eighty percent of the southern gothic horror stories which Emmett had told over the years, listening to them tonight had at least the made the time pass more quickly. Now that Emmett had stopped talking for a minute, Ted's worries returned to the forefront of his mind. In general he liked things secure and ordered. His few forays into the wild life had not turned out well except for Jerk-At-Work. That enterprise had settled into a a routine business not unlike his previous accounting job. Safety and security. Today it was difficult to remember what they felt like.
"Hey Emmett."
"Mm?"
"Can you tell me another story?"
"Ben... Mr. Bruckner."
The quiet voice and the hand on his shoulder stirred Ben from the brief nap he had inadvertently taken. When had he gotten so tired? His eyes immediately went to Michael's face. No change. He exhaled in exhaustion and looked up at the speaker. "Are you the new nurse?"
"Yes. My name is Carmen. I'll be here for at least the next eight hours. Linda filled me in on how Michael has been doing. I know the wait must be horrible for you."
"Unbelievably horrible." Ben rubbed his face with both hands as he tried to shake the remnants of sleep off. "Did I miss anything?"
Carmen smiled gently. "No. But there is something..."
At her pause, Ben looked in alarm at the nurse. "What is it?"
"Nothing bad. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But there are some people to see Michael. I think the doctor just went to fill them in."
"Do you know if it was his mother and his friends?"
She shook her head. "I didn't catch any names. But there was a woman with bright red, curly hair, and three younger men with her."
Ben said with relief, "That's Michael's mother. I was worried about them driving out here in the middle of the night, but they insisted." He and Carmen looked up at the shadow that suddenly filled the doorway. Debbie stood with both hands covering her mouth to hold back the tears. She tore her eyes away from the still figure in the bed and looked at Ben who was now standing.
For the first time, Ben saw Debbie Novotny too overwhelmed to speak. He stepped closer to her. Without words, they wrapped their arms around each other. Even as she held onto the strong arms, Debbie peered around him to look at the her only child.
"When are they actually going to let us see him?" Brian was pacing, dying for a cigarette again. Every couple of minutes he walked to the hallway to see if Debbie was coming out. Now that he was closer to Michael, ironically, his worry had reached astronomical heights. He tried to forget the last time he"d waited like this. He wiped his hands on his jeans and stared at the palms. Despite the number of times he"d checked, his mind kept expecting there to be blood stains. Instead there was only clammy sweat. Footsteps echoed in the hall and he looked up again.
Ben entered the waiting room. A young couple sat in the far corner whispering to each other. He had met them briefly. The husband's father was recovering from a heart attack. On the sofa opposite them sat a middle-aged woman whose husband had had some complications from routine gallbladder surgery. Brian Kinney was pacing in the middle of the room. Ted and Emmett were sitting side by side on the bench nearest the waiting room doorway. Ben took a deep breath and stepped further into the room. "Hello Brian, Ted, Emmett. How was the trip?"
His nod greeted them all. He wasn't surprised by the dark look on Brian's face and waited for the axe to fall. He was granted a reprieve by Emmett who jumped up and impulsively hugged him.
"Oh Ben! Are you okay? We were so worried! I can't imagine how awful it must have been."
Ben hugged him back, then let go. "I'm okay. I was lucky. All I got was a concussion and some scrapes and bruises. There were people standing just a few feet from me who..." He stopped talking and shuddered at the gruesome memories which flashed into his mind. "Anyway. I am okay."
Brian stepped forward. His voice was almost as frosty as his expression. "How's Mikey?"
Ben didn't flinch while he answered. As he repeated the words given to him by the nurses and doctors, one part of his mind wondered about Brian. It was amazing that Michael and Brian were friends at all, when he thought about it. They were so different. But that spoke to the powers of Michael's big heart to embrace this man who had such high walls built around himself. "When can I see him?"
"Debbie just needs a little time alone with him. She didn't forget that you all are waiting. Maybe we could walk down to the cafeteria in the meanwhile. One of the nurses told me that they serve a midnight breakfast."
Brian and Emmett replied, "No thanks." and "Of course!" simultaneously. After another minute of discussion, Emmett accompanied Ben to the cafeteria while Ted and Brian waited.
"You showed amazing self-control just now, Brian."
Ted didn't actually need the words. Brian's response to his statement was written clearly on his face. Nevertheless, the words were said. "What the fuck are you babbling about now, Schmidt?"
"With Ben." Brian's silence motivated Ted to explain further. "I'm sure you wanted to say something more to him. After all, it was HIS idea to go on this trip. If it hadn't been for him..." he let the thought dangle, incomplete.
"Mikey's a grown man. He made his decision. If it costs him his life...." His eyes became shuttered and his jaw clenched. "If it costs him his life, then I'll have to deal with the "Professor" in my own way."
"It's not like anyone could have predicted this would happen."
"Whatever." Brian turned his back and began pacing again.
"Ben cares about Michael as much as..." Ted hesitated briefly at Brian's icy gaze, "... we do. Maybe even more in some ways."
Brian sneered at that. "If he loves him, then maybe he should stay away from him. If he weren't around then Michael would be..." Now Brian was the one unable to complete his sentences. He stared at the rug, suddenly fascinated by an empty gum wrapper dropped by one of the many people passing through the waiting room. Spearmint gum.
Ted finished for him "...then Michael would be safe. But sometimes if we want to REALLY live we have to give up a little of that safety. If we"re too safe, we miss out on all the great things out there."
"The "great things"? How very eloquent Ted. Hallmark could use someone like you."
"Shut up Brian. I know you know this."
"Then why are you torturing me with this speech?"
"Because I would like for you to leave Ben alone. He's going through enough already."
"Did I say anything? I thought you were just congratulating me for being a model of restraint."
"That look on your face spoke volumes."
Brian shrugged and continued his pacing in silence. He could feel Ted's eyes burning a hole in his back. Finally unable to avoid the silent nagging any longer, he promised, "Fine! I won't say anything to hurt Big Ben's feelings--for now."
"Good. Because I doubt that anyone knows more then you what he's going through right now. Even though it's not his fault, he's probably already beating himself up about it." Ted was satisfied that Brian didn't try to deny this last observation. "Do you want some coffee or something. You probably haven't slept since yesterday." Brian shook his head no and kept pacing.
"Michael Charles Novotny. What have you done to yourself now? I knew there was a reason I hated letting you go on those school field trips without me. Look at you! A few days in New York City and you land yourself in the middle of a war zone."
Debbie stroked Michael's cheek. His stubble was growing in and creating shadows on his jaw and above his upper lip. "You really should let this grown in. I always told you that it makes you look older and sexier." She watched him breathe, aided by the machines next to his bed. "I always hoped I would never see you like this again." Her mind drifted back to a day almost thirty-one years ago...
"Oh My God!" She stepped into the room close to the table which held a tiny figure hooked up to an infinite number of wires and tubes. "What have you bastards done to my baby?"
"It's not as bad as it looks Ms. DeGrassi." Debbie didn't spare a glance for the young doctor at her side who was trying to explain what was going on. "As I told you, your baby needed a little help breathing when she was first born."
Debbie cut the young doctor off. "He!" She kept gazing at the small bundle on the warming table. "HIS name is Michael Charles."
"I'm sorry... He had a little trouble when he was first born. Based on his examination, chest x-ray, and bloodwork, we believe his difficulty is being caused by fluid in his lungs. Usually all that fluid is absorbed when the baby starts crying and breathing. In Michael's case, however, some of that fluid is still trapped in his lungs. Because it takes up space where there should be air, he's breathing faster to make up for it."
"Can't you go in there and suck out the fluid?"
"We removed as much as we could, but the fluid in his lungs is in a place we can't reach easily. But his outcome should be good. Most babies who experience this get better within twenty-four hours. The remaining fluid is absorbed by the body eventually."
"If it's not that bad, does he really need to be on this ventilator? Why can't he breathe on this own?"
"He IS breathing on his own. He's getting what we call CPAP. Basically it blows the air directly into his lungs. Every breath he takes is his own. The extra air pressure relieves some of the work so he doesn't have to breathe as hard or as fast. But because we have to help his breathing, he can't eat. That's why we have an IV in his arm to give him some fluid and nutrition. The other wires you see are to measure his temperature, heart rate, and breathing rate."
Debbie's head was whirling with information overload, but she latched onto one idea. "So he's breathing on his own. He's gonna be a tough little shit like his mother." She blushed. "Excuse my French... Stress you know."
The doctor smiled. "I understand... You can stand closer to him. You can touch him too." He watched as Debbie moved to stand next to the warming table. She turned to look at him in confusion.
"It's awfully hot over here. Is it supposed to be like this?"
The doctor's voice continued to be reassuring. "Babies get cold quickly especially if they"re newly born or they"re sick. We monitor the temperature so we don't underheat or overheat."
"Thanks. You must think I'm a pain in the neck for asking all these questions."
"Not at all. He's your son and you have the right to know what we know. I know I threw a lot of information at you. If you need to ask anything else, feel free to ask me. I'll be around. And congratulations. He's a beautiful baby."
Debbie smiled her thanks and turned back to her son... Wow. Hard to believe that she had a son now. That would make her a mother. Impossible. She inspected the baby carefully. All ten fingers and ten toes were present. Two eyes, two ears, one nose. She took a quick peek under the diaper... all parts accounted for. The wires and tubes did not disguise the beauty of the baby boy. His hair was a black inky color. It surrounded his head in glossy, flat curls. She wound a lock around one finger and held her breath in wonder. She thanked whatever higher powers existed that she hadn't listened to the family and friends who"d tried to convince her not to go through with this. Thankfully, Vic had stuck by her side through thick and thin.
She leaned closer to the baby. She kissed the downy cheek and whispered, "You're going to be all right. Especially if I have anything to say about it."
She looked at the grown man before her. Her eyes only saw the tiny baby with dimpled arms and legs who had fought his way to health. "That doctor is lucky he was right. I had a pretty good right hook in those days and I wasn't afraid to use it."
"When you had your first asthma attack, I thought they were going to have to hospitalize me too. Afterwards, I was terrified every time it happened that you"d wind up with a tube down your throat. You made it this far, though and I thought you had grown out of it. Damn." She searched in her pockets for a handkerchief. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry. You better wake up before I mess up all my makeup. I left my bag in the car. I don't want to scare anybody to death with my racoon face. I don't think they have any room left in the ICU." She wiped her tears and quietly blew her nose.
Debbie stood and ran her fingers through Michael's curly hair. She reached down and kissed his cheek. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes, honey. I have to get Brian before he kills someone out in the waiting room. Love you." She stepped out and walked to the waiting room.
Emmett and Ben sat at one of the cafeteria tables. There were several people there. Even though the large room had many tables, everyone seemed to gravitate towards the center of the room. "Must be safety in numbers." thought Emmett. He reached out to pat Ben's hand which was wrapped around a large cup of coffee. "So how are you really?"
Ben started to repeat his standard line about being okay again. But the sincere concern in Emmett's eyes encouraged him to be honest. "Not so good actually." He stared at the black coffee swirling in his cup. He probably shouldn't be drink this. "It's like battery acid. Michael would probably scold me." He noticed that the dark coffee was almost the same color as Michael's eyes. He started at the hand waving in his face.
"You still with me, Ben?" Emmett waited for Ben to gather his thoughts.
"I thought this trip would be fun. It's been a while since we went away with just the two of us. He wanted to wait until next month because he has all that new inventory. I convinced him that the inventory could wait for a week. I made all the plans, I--"
"Ben!" Ben looked up. "Stop.. please." Emmett reached across and clasped the hand which gripped the coffee cup. "It's not your fault. You had no clue that something horrible like this was going to happen. You just wanted to spend time with the man you love. That's a good thing. And Michael loves you. If he had stayed home and something had happened to you, he would have been home doing the same thing... blaming himself for not controlling something beyond his control."
Ben looked into Emmett's eyes for long moments. "I know that intellectually. But in my heart, I keep thinking that my being around put Michael's life in danger. Maybe all of you were right in the first place. I should have broken it off immediately."
Emmett looked guilty at that. "I hope you know that whatever resistance you met at first was because we love Michael. It had nothing to do with you because we didn't know you yet. Little secret." He leaned forward and cupped his hand to prevent eavesdropping. Ben sat forward to listen.
"Michael's a big softie. Don't get me wrong. He can be strong when he needs to be. But usually he leaves his heart right out there. I saw how he changed after his breakup with David. Thank goodness, he got over it. When he met you, we were worried that he was getting in over his head. "I" knew that if he fell in love with you that he wouldn't hold back in the relationship and that could lead to him getting hurt. That's just the way he is. But I was wrong. We were all wrong. The truth is that you're the best thing that could have happened to him."
Emmett stopped and giggled. "Are you blushing?"
Ben cleared his throat and took a sip of coffee to disguise his embarrassment. "Michael's the best thing that could have happened to me, too. Thank you, Emmett. I guess I need all the pep talks I can get today." He looked at the clock on the wall. "I'm ready to go back if you are." They collected their trays and tossed out the remainders of their midnight snack.
Ben and Emmett stood in the doorway of Michael's room unwilling to interrupt the scene before them. They looked at each other and stepped away in silent agreement. Brian never noticed their presence or their rapid disappearance. He sat in the chair backwards with his arms folded under his chin, leaning against the chair back. The tears streaked down his face, unnoticed.
"If this is some pathetic bid for attention, I'm going to kick your ass when you wake up Mikey." He unfolded one arm and reached out to touch the fingers which lay unmoving against the white sheets. He traced the veins which tented the overlying skin. There was an IV in the back of Michael's left hand and one in the bend of each of his elbows.
"Remember when we made that promise. Well I just want to let you know that I lied. I won't pull your plug. And I sure as hell won't let your mother do it either. So either you wake up Novotny, or you stay hooked up to these stupid fucking machines for a hella long time." His only answer was the groan of the ventilator and the beeping of the various monitors and IV pumps.
"With all these I.V.'s I hope you're getting some good drugs. I"ve always said that hospitals keep all the good shit." In his mind's eye he saw Michael's grin. No grin was possible now because of the tube in Michael's mouth. And in case all the machines and the I.V.'s weren't a good enough clue, there were also the dark circles under Michael's eyes and the bruises on his forehead to let Brian know that everything wasn't right with his best friend. "Ah fuck!" He leaned his head against his arm and did something he hadn't done in a long time. He prayed.
Some time later, someone spoke. "Brian." He looked up with reddened eyes. Ben. "Debbie wants to talk to you for a minute. She's in the waiting room."
"Are you kicking me out, Professor?"
"Listen Brian, I understand why you might blame me..." He stopped when Brian held up his hand.
"Like I told Ted, Michael's a grown man. He's already got a mother AND a father--kind of. You don't owe ME any explanations or apologies." He focused on the subject of their discussion. "He's going to wake up. And when he does, he's gonna need help, not somebody flagellating himself in self-pity. That's why you're here. If I were you, I"d start figuring out how you're going to make this up to him. I'm sure he'll be expecting flowers and candy and all that romantic crap that the lesbians like." He shook his head in feigned disgust.
Despite the sharpness of Brian's words, they made Ben feel a little better. "I wasn't trying to kick you out. Debbie does need to talk to you. I think they"re trying to figure out where they"re going to stay."
Brian rose from the chair. As he walked past Ben, he laid a hand on the other man's shoulder in a show of support. He walked out without another word.
Emmett sat on the bed watching t.v. with the volume on low. In the other bed, Ted snored softly. They were all exhausted after having spent most of the day at the hospital. They had been lucky enough to find two tiny adjoining rooms in a rundown motel. Brian was in the shower. Debbie was taking a nap next door. Suddenly Ted shot upright in the bed, shouting out a name. He sat for a moment then reclined against the pillows again.
Emmett was unable to remain silent. "Who the heck is Billy?"
Ted sat up again. "Whadda you mean?"
"This is the second time today that..." The strains of "Unchained Melody" wafted from the vicinity of Brian's jacket on the bed. "Oh God, it's the love phone again. Do you think we should answer it?"
"Where's Brian?"
"In the shower." Emmett's hand hovered over the jacket in indecision.
Ted helped him to make a decision. "It might be the hospital."
Emmett quickly took the phone out of the jacket pocket. "Hello. No, he can't come to the phone right now." He listened for a moment. "She's asleep now, but I can get her right away. Is anything wrong with Michael? He what? Ohmigod! Yes we'll be back right away!"
I was swimming through darkness again. How many times was this going to happen? But then there it was. The end of the line. The surface. I opened my eyes and was immediately overwhelmed by the bright light. It was different from the other times. Slowly my eyes adjusted and the light resolved itself into itself into its actual shape. There was no being of light and no tunnel to the Other Side. Just an old-fashioned halogen lamp. They wouldn't have halogen lamps in heaven would they? There would be candles and fancy chandeliers. Kind of like that Liberace concert my mother dragged me to years ago.
I didn't think I was in hell, but I checked anyway. No flames. No tortured, screaming from damned souls. My eyes drifted around the room. A machine sat in the corner with blinking lights and moving parts. The tubes seemed to be connected to my bed. No. Correction. They were connected to me. I felt the rhythm of the machine deep in my chest and stomach. I was in the hospital then. I felt strangely relieved that I had solved one problem. My eyes moved to the left. Someone was sitting there. I could only see the top of his head, but the short wavy hair was instantly recognizable to me. I reached out to touch him and wake him up... At least I thought I reached. My arms were as heavy as steel beams. I could only move my fingers and touch his hair. He looked up immediately as if he had been waiting. God, he looked terrible. I wanted to slide over so he could climb up next to me and get the sleep that he obviously needed. I tried to speak but something in my throat blocked the words. I was choking! I tried to communicate my emergency to Ben who was looking at me with teary eyes in a drawn, shadowed face.
"Shhh. Calm down, Michael. Don't fight it. There's a tube in your throat helping you to breathe. Just relax and let the ventilator work for you."
More so than his actual words, Ben's deep soothing voice and his gentle grip on my hand calmed me. I still needed to speak, though. I tried to indicate with my eyes that I wanted the tube out. Somehow he read my mind and the look in my eyes.
"The nurse is speaking to the doctor right now. Hopefully we'll be able to take out the tube soon." He smiled lovingly in that way that melts my insides and for a moment I forgot what else I wanted to say. My eyelids grew heavy again.
I didn't know that I had fallen asleep until I woke up again. How long had it been? My eyes adjusted more quickly this time so it couldn't have been very long. I was surprised to see the crowd in the room. Ben was still next to me. On the other side, my mother was sitting and holding my right hand. Her mascara was running down her cheeks. I know she hates that. I wanted to warn her, but the tube in my throat was still in place.
At the foot of my bed, Brian, Em, and Ted were standing. Em was crying too. I started to worry that I was sicker then I felt, but then I remembered. Emmett cries at everything. Even those sappy commercials for feminine hygiene products--the ones with the mother and daughter talking.
Ted seemed worried, but okay. And Brian. Well, Brian usually keeps things close to the chest. So the emotion on his face worried me more then anything else. There were two other people in the room. A blonde woman in a nurse's uniform and a man in a long white doctor's coat. They were conferring over a clipboard, taking notes, and occasionally looking at the machines and monitors around me. Just like one of those episodes of ER. I hope they weren't planning on cracking my chest open. I had the sudden urge to make a funny comment to break the tension. The final scene from "The Wizard of Oz' came to mind. I wish I could speak! Instead, I tried to focus on Ben's voice.
"Baby, the doctor is going to take that tube out now." What if I couldn't breathe on my own? I wasn't so sure that I was ready, now that the time had come. He must have sensed my panic. I felt the hands holding mine tighten slightly. I saw my mother give Ben a meaningful look, then she gently grasped my chin with her free hand.
"Don't worry honey. We're not going anywhere. We'll be right here for you."
An impossibly deep baritone voice filled the confines of the vehicle.
"If I should die before I wake up I pray the Lord my soul will take but
My body, my body--that's your job
Well I can't be sure where I'm headed after death
To heaven, hell or 'yon to that Great Vast
But if I can I would like to meet my Maker
There's one or two things I'd sure like to ask
Won't you come To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long and so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
that you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground
Just before the end of the song, Brian reached out and snapped the radio off. "Do you have to keep listening to this crap?"
Michael widened his eyes in surprise. "What? It's funny!"
"If you think this is funny, then you need to check the incense that you and Ben have been burning. It's obviously laced with something."
"I'm allowed. I was nearly a statistic. A name on a wall. Another light snuffed out too early..."
"STOP! I get the point." He exhaled in his most exasperated manner. "You know, ever since you managed to land ass backwards in the hospital last year, I knew you were going to milk it."
"I am NOT milking it. I saw the bright light and the tunnel and the whole shebang."
"Did I ever tell you that you were a bigger drama princess than Justin could ever have been? I wouldn't be surprised if someday you inherit Emmett's throne."
Michael was left speechless at the attack. He crossed his arms and pouted. But Brian wouldn't let him sulk for long.
"Mikey." Michael turned his head to the right to watch the traffic.
"Come on Mikey. Don't be mad."
Michael reluctantly felt his resolve soften at the pleading voice. He turned to look at Brian again. "What?" He was unable to keep the petulance out of his voice.
Brian looked away from the road for a moment and allowed his eyes to wander over Michael's face. "I'm not so sure this trip is a good idea. I don't like the idea of you going back there."
Michael graciously accepted Brian's unspoken apology. "I'm not so sure either. It'll be weird." He was pensive for a moment. "That's why I told Ben I would meet him there for one day instead of staying the whole week." He stared at his feet. "Thanks for driving me in. I think two train trips in one day would have driven me nuts." To distract himself, he turned on the car radio again and changed the song selection on the CD player. They listened to the music for a minute without talking.
Brian looked over at his best friend again. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time."
Michael looked up from where he had been staring at his shoe lace. He waited wordlessly for Brian to continue.
After an eternity, Brian spoke again. "Last September. When we... when you almost... you know." He gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles, only loosening his grip when he resumed talking. "Don't ever do that to me again, okay?"
Michael reached out to lay his hand on Brian's right arm. "I haven't made all my plans for the near future yet, but I guarantee that a repeat performance is NOT on the itinerary."
Brian reached around with his left hand to cover Michael's hand on his arm. "I told Ben he better take good care of you. Otherwise I'm going to have to take him down."
"I hate to shatter your illusions, Brian, but Ben's got several pounds of muscle on you."
"Yeah, but I think I can get Emmett on my side. He can use those six inch platform shoes for more then looking pretty. And if that doesn't work, I've got your mother. She could probably pin Ben down with one hand tied behind her back."
They both laughed at the image the words painted. Brian sobered all too quickly. "Seriously, Ben's a lucky guy. You're way too good for him. You're practically perfect you know."
Michael smirked, pleased by the flattery. "Yes. In every way." He waited for Brian to pick up on the reference. When he got no response he slapped him on the shoulder. "Mary Poppins, you idiot. You should watch it with Gus. He'd love it."
Brian grinned at Michael in amazement. "Are you ever going to grow up?"
"Nope. Not if I can help it."
Brian reached out and grasped Michael's left hand in his own. "Good. I wouldn't have it any other way."
Michael waved at Brian, who drove off to look for a parking space. He halted before the doorway for a moment. Through the plate glass window, his eyes easily found Ben sitting at a table. There were two young women and an older man sitting at the table with him. The older man was holding a toddler in his lap while two older children danced around his legs. Michael recognized one of the women as Linda, one of the nurse's who had cared for him at the hospital last year. The other two must be Sarah and Leo. Unfortunately, Theresa had been unable to join them. She had join "Doctors Without Borders" and was apparently thriving on the difficult work if her letters were to be believed.
Michael focused on Ben again. He was talking happily, his hands waving animatedly. It had taken a long time before he could let himself be that happy again. The bad dreams that they each experienced had gotten fewer and farther apart. Michael leaned against the window. The lyrics of the song he and Brian had been listening to ran through his mind.
There are nights when all my aching bones won't let me sleep / And demons come to plague me as I lie in bed / But I know if you were sleeping there beside me then / That you could fend them off and they would let me rest**
He turned away from the window and took in his surroundings. The buildings didn't look any different. The cabs and buses still sped down the street at breakneck speed. The people looked the same, too. They were still hurrying with packages, or talking on cell phones, or taking pictures, or towing bouncy children. It was all the same. But it all felt different nonetheless. It wasn't bad like Michael thought it would be, though. Just life marching on
He took a deep breath of the crisp, cool air, pushed the door open, and entered the restaurant.
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