Have I Lost Him?

By PA-Mado

"Oh, what have I done? I yelled at him in front of all those people. Over a party! How could I?"

Ben sat on the side of his bed with his face in his hands as the tears overtook him. The thoughts of the last two days started flashing through his mind.

Two days ago I told Michael that I didn't want a big deal made about my birthday. I had to go to class, then go to the doctors for the results of my blood work and then I was going to go to yoga. I thought we were just going out to eat?

When I got to Doctor Mead's office, it was as if a brick wall had fallen on me. He sat me down and told me I was no longer stable with my HIV. My T-cell count had dropped and my viral load had climbed. I felt the same way I did when I found out I had contracted HIV from Paul. I was crushed and scared to the point of not knowing what to do. All I could think of was going to Michael and getting in his arms. Somehow, Michael always knew what to say to make me feel as if I can over come anything and prevail.

Ben's thoughts drifted back to the night he thought he had lost Michael forever.

Michael had panicked over all the HIV meds and couldn't make love to him. *I almost walked away from the best and most loving person I could ever have in my life. Ben smiled to himself as he remembered how Michael made a fool of himself at Woody's singing that song. Truthfully, it touched Ben's heart and mind to the core.

Quickly Ben's thoughts turned to that other night. *When I walked into the apartment and found everyone yelling, 'Surprise.' I went blank. All I could focus on was Paul's face, the man who gave me this fucking disease, acting as if nothing was wrong. I saw red. Then Michael told me, he had taken my palm and called all my friends. I lost it. I YELLED at the man I love more than life itself. How could I? The emotions seemed to overtake me and I had to get out of there.

I heard Debbie say, 'And this is the man, who is good for my son?' I heard everyone leave. I went to the living room to find even Michael was gone. I needed time to think. I had to get my new meds and try to get this thing under control again.

Ben laid down on the bed and just sobbed. "Have I lost him? Will he or can he ever forgive me?"

It was as if I had turned into a Mr. Hyde ... A monster. When I needed Michael the most, I pushed him away. I need his comfort right now. I need to feel his loving arms around my waist, calming my fears. He's not here and it's all my fault.

Ben laid there for what seemed like hours. The events of that night running though his mind. He found it so hard to fall asleep. He got out of bed and with tears filling his eyes, all he could think to do was pace and worry.

His thoughts once again turned to the man he loved. *I need to talk to Michael, but what if he won't listen? The only person who has ever accepted me for me. He seems to truly overlook the fact that I have HIV and he loves me anyway. I need him and he is not here. How can I ever make it up to him?

With a sleepless night behind him, Ben went to the pharmacy and got his new meds, including the Viadex. While he was there, he picked up a pack of cigarettes. Even though he hadn't smoked in a long time, he felt he needed one to calm his nerves. He couldn't think of anything else but the look on Michael's face. The hurt and pain he saw in those beautiful brown eyes; eyes that were usually bright and smiling, had looked hurt and confused and it was all his fault.

Ben shook his head and started walking. He had no idea where he was going. He eventually ended up back at his apartment. He felt lost. He was hoping Michael would have stopped by so he could explain to him what was going on. No such luck! Eventually, he thought he should rest but he couldn't seem to settle down without Michael in his arms. Finally he decided to go and talk to him. *I pray he lets me in and listens. With his eyes red from the tears he had shed since the party. Ben walked over to Michael's apartment.

After standing in front of the building for close to an hour, he got up the nerve to go and knock on Michael's door. When Michael opened the door, Ben felt his heart leap into his throat. He could barely breath much less speak. He just looked at the man he loved with all his heart.

Michael stared at Ben as if he had never met him before.

Stammering, Ben said, "I've missed you the last couple of nights."

Michael tore into him with a fury Ben had never seen him show before. He could see how much he had hurt him with his actions the night of the party. Sadly, he thought, 'it's to late, I have lost him.' How could he ever forgive me? Standing in the middle of the room Ben was finally able to form the words and told Michael what the doctor had said.

*All of a sudden I saw a glimmer of hope come over his face. His voice softened and I saw my loving Michael looking back at me again. My heart almost stopped beating. I told him how sorry I was for blowing up at him.

All he said was that I was human. He put his hand tenderly on my face and I knew that everything was going to be all right. I collapsed in his arms. We sent the rest of the day and night just holding each other and making love. In my mind I promised myself, I would always confide my feelings to Michael and accept his love and strength to carry me through any event that came my way. My love grew even stronger that day. I'm so lucky Michael is in my life.