Love Is Everything

By PA-Mado

Ben:

The pain started a few days after I started taking my new meds. At first the pains were just sharp twinges in my side. The night Michael came over for dinner. I had another attack in the kitchen.

Michael said, "You don't double over from a dumpling."

I looked at Michael's face. I saw the worry take over.

"It's nothing, Baby, just a cramp. See it's gone already. Let's eat our dinner, OK?"

I seemed to be OK for now. I thought it was all over.

I looked at Michael, What am I doing to my love? I don't want him to worry about me. I tried to hide it from him.

The next day I had another attack while I was giving a lecture to my class. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER The nurse asked, "Do you want me to notify someone?"

I could barely say his name, "Michael Novotny." I gave her his number. I lost consciousness again.

In my haze, I barely heard his voice which sounded so sweet, as if it came from an angel.

"Ben, are you OK?"

I opened my eyes and he was, standing their looking at me with such love in his beautiful brown eyes. I faded again. I awoke to find Michael, my love, sitting by my side, holding my hand. He was lovingly watching me sleep.

"Hey cutie," was all I could manage to say. I wanted to hold him in my arms, but I couldn't.

Michael said, "Ben, you are going to be all right."

I wanted to believe him.

"Michael, this is just the beginning of what's to come. I can only look forward to more trips to the hospital."

Michael cut me off. "I don't want you thinking like this. This is only one episode. We will get through it together."

I listened to his words of encouragement until I fell asleep. As if in a dream I heard, "No, you can't give that to him. It almost killed him in the first place."

Michael sounded like a lion protecting his pride of lionesses and cubs. Afterwards I heard nothing. All I could do was sleep. I felt Michael holding my hand. He never let it go.

I don't know how long I was asleep. When I woke up, I felt a little better but not much. Michael never left my side, as if to make sure I was all right. The next few days, I improved slowly. Michael was always there, giving me those looks that said, "Everything is going to be OK." I still saw how worried he was.

I found out several days later, the yelling I heard was Michael fighting with the nurse. She was about to give me, my HIV meds. Michael refused to allow it. I learned about the admitting doctor's decision.

"I want to take Mr. Bruckner off his meds for now. I feel his body needs a break and can normalize itself. I want him to stay on IV fluids for now."

Michael had fought for me, watched over me and loved me enough to go to the ends of the earth to make sure I was safe. My love for Michael grew even more. I had found the love of my life and a partner to spend the rest of my life with.

One day Michael had stepped out of the room. I was resting alone. I sensed someone was in the room. I looked up and there was Debbie about to leave. I called to her, "Debbie?"

She stopped. I saw a look of compassion on her face. It threw me! She had always acted as if I were the worst person on earth for her son.

"How are you doing?"

I said, "I'm better."

She started to leave.

"I am so sorry to put Michael through this." She said something and I felt we had jumped a hurdle in our relationship. I asked, "Would you please stay and keep me company?"

"I'll warm up the chicken soup I brought. I want you to eat it, please."

I fell asleep with Debbie sitting by my bed, touching my hand. I finally had her on my side.

A few days later the doctor told me that I was out of danger and he would let you go home soon. All I could think, was, that I could finally go home and be alone with Michael. His love got me though this episode. I know now he will always be there for me when I need him. Michael always gives me his unconditional love

Ben, thought back to what Michael had said,

"Remember Ben, we need to continue 'Living in the NOW.'" I took Michael in my arms and kissed him with a renewed hope.

Michael:

I was caught off guard that night. I was having dinner with Ben. I saw him double over in pain. It scared me beyond words.

I said, "You don't double over from a dumping."

Ben said, "I am all right, see it's gone already."

I let the subject drop. I watched him closely the rest of the night, though.

The next day, Ted, Emmett and I were waiting for Ben, when I got a call from the hospital. This was the call I was dreading to receive.

The nurse said, "Are you Michael Novotny?"

"Yes I am."

"Ben Bruckner gave me your name to call. He is very ill, I think you should come to the hospital as soon as possible."

"I am leaving now. Thank you."

I almost collapsed. With Ted and Em's help I regained my wits and headed to the hospital. All I could think was Please let him be all right. I cannot imagine my life without him. I love him with all that I am. As I approached Ben's room, I had to stop and regain my calm exterior again.

I looked at Ben's face, the man I loved. He looked so helpless. All I could do was say his name.

"Ben, are you OK?"

He looked so pale. Nothing like the strong man I loved being with . . . holding, kissing and making love too. I wanted to climb up beside him and cradle him in my arms and never let him go. I was afraid to touch him, with the monitors and IV attached. Thank God, I could see his heart beating. He was in so much pain. I almost lost it. I couldn't do anything to help him. I felt so helpless. All I could do was wait for the doctor to come back.

When the doctor finally came in, he said, "Mr. Bruckner has a critical case of pancreatitis. His Enzymes are elevated and we have to bring them down to a normal level. I want to take him off his meds and hopefully his body will normalize on it's own. It may take several days before we know if he will improve."

I had to talk to someone so I called Uncle Vic. "Uncle Vic, he is so sick, I don't know what to do to help him."

"Michael, of course you do. First, please, stay calm. You won't do Ben any good if you fall apart. Next give him all of your love and just stay with him and please don't worry about telling anyone else. I'll take care of that. OK? Just concentrate on Ben."

"Uncle Vic, please don't say anything to Mom. I don't think I can take her, 'I told you so' speech. Please!"

"OK, Michael, I won't say anything."

I sat by Ben's side, afraid to even move. I couldn't let go of his hand. I had to know he was still breathing. The nurses came in and out all night changing his IV several times.

The next morning, I was so tired, I could hardly stay awake. All of a sudden I felt Ben move. He opened his beautiful blue eyes and said, "Hey cutie."

"Ben, you are going to be all right. When you get out of here, we can go to Tibet and relax." He smiled.

"Michael, I am afraid this is only the beginning. I will end up in and out of the hospital from now on."

"Ben, don't you dare talk that way. Don't even think it. This is just one episode, nothing more."

He fell asleep just as the nurse came in with the some pills. She started to wake Ben up.

"What are you going to give him?"

"The doctor on call told me to give Mr. Bruckner his HIV meds."

"I'm sorry, you can't to that, those pills almost killed him. The doctor, who admitted Ben, told me he was taking Ben OFF all his meds. You give him these HE WILL DIE." She left in a huff.

I am fighting, fighting for Ben's life. I'll be damned if I am going to lose.

I took a deep breath and sighed. He is safe, safe for now. I looked at my sleeping lover and I started to cry. I was afraid Ben would hear me, but he was unaware. Relief flooded over me. He's going to be OK, was all I could think about at the moment. I am afraid to even leave his side. I don't want the same thing happening again.

I got a chance to go home. I walked into my apartment and everyone was there. Brian, Justin, Em, Ted, Lindsey and Mel. They all asked about Ben and they wanted to know if they could help?

"I can't deal with this right now. I need to get back to Ben as quickly as possible. Thanks for your concern."

When I returned, Ben was still in critical condition. I couldn't take it so I called my best friend.

"Brian, please come, I need your help."

"OK, Mikey, I'm on my way."

He dropped everything, walked out on a client and came to help me. I saw him walking down the hall.

"Brian, what am I going to do? Ben, is so sick. He still may die." I broke down into tears. "My Mom was right, I am not strong enough."

"Mikey, don't you talk that way. You have been there for me through every crisis I have ever had. You held me together when Justin was bashed. Without you, I would not have made it. You are strong enough for both you and Ben, just remember he loves you and needs you now more than ever."

Those words brought my thoughts back into focus.

"Thank you, Brian, I needed to hear you say that. You have helped more than you could possibly know."

I managed to take a break to stretch my legs. As I returned to Ben's room, I saw a wonderful sight. My Mom was sitting with Ben while he was sleeping. She looked up at me, I smiled, knowing she had begun to accept him being in my life. She couldn't help but mother him. I loved it. We now had her full support.

As Ben continued to improve, the doctor said,

"Mr. Bruckner, we are going to let you go home in a couple of days."

I looked at Ben, knowing full well that I was not going to let him out of my sight.

"Ben, I love you with every breath I take. I can't even think of living without you in my life. We need to continue to 'Live in the now.' Please remember this."

He put his arms around my waist and kissed me with a renewed hope.

Epilogue:

After Ben came home, Michael watched over him, making sure he was all right. The love between them grew even stronger. They had survived this episode, becoming even closer. They had the support from their family and friends to give them the strength to face anything else that could come their way. Love can help heal anything. "Live and love in the now."