Have you heard the saying "the sleeper has awakened?" Well, they were talking about me. After eighteen years of unrequited love, devotion, adoration, adulation, and worship I have finally woken up.
I'm not really sure how or when it started only that it did. But I know it took three steps and eighteen years but I did break free. Let me give you my three steps to the road to recovery.
My life since I was fourteen yrs has been tied with one Brian Kinney. From the moment I met him I was addicted. I craved him as a drug addict craves heroin. He had that great a hold on me and I loved it! Most people think that I was just being naive that I couldn't see that Brian would never take me as a lover. What they didn't know was how many times I said no to the offer. Yeah okay, the offers were made under the influence of some drug but still they were made. Believe me when you have a drunk and horny Brian Kinney it isn't the easiest thing in the world to say no. Yet I did. Step one!
In all my life I never questioned his hold over me. That is until Dr. Dave came into the picture. Suddenly I was the prize in a tug of war between two very possessive and determined men. Yeah!! Between you and me I loved it for all about 5 minutes. Then it turned into some pissing ritual between the two alpha males. Please, I did pick David over Brian but only because I was manipulated by Brian to make that choice. He pulled the ultimate fuck off, my best friend outed me to one of my coworkers. Mmmm, not a hard choice then to pick David, only it wasn't really me picking him. It worked for a while that is until I found out he wanted me to be some housewife or treating me more like a child than an adult. That didn't last for long; unfortunately I had to go to Portland to figure that out. But on the plus side I was able to board the plane, and leave Brian. Okay it only lasted several months and I was miserable but hey I did it! I'm claiming a victory. Step two!!
When I came back from Portland it was business as usual at first. I was rehired at the Q-mart not in the position I held when I left but as a sale associate, ugh. Brian was as unattainable as ever, and I was once again his fan. I somehow made it through. Then I made some changes in my life. I quit the Q-Mart and bought my childhood hangout, Buzzy's Comics and that is when I started to wipe Morpheus from my eyes. Then I met Ben.
We had a rough start, as usual I let what my friends and family think influence me and I broke it off with Ben. I had never been so miserable in my life. After disastrous blind dates I finally came to my senses and fought to get Ben back. It took some vocal ministration on my part but I won him back. All was not smooth sailing there was still my Mother. She eventually gave her blessing; of course it took Ben almost dying to bring her around. But we got her blessing. Brian, well he didn't seem to have any problem with Ben of course that could be because he slept with him. That was a shocker! Brian offered himself to me and I refused again. He asked me in the store if I was jealous because he slept with Ben or that Ben slept with him. I didn't answer him because I didn't know what the answer was. I was jealous but I wasn't sure of whom. I had to find Ben I needed to talk to him. I needed to confess.
When I confessed my love feelings for Brian he understood. What! Unfucking real! He said it was all right that I loved him. I was frozen; I was shocked I couldn't believe it! David wanted all or nothing; Brian wanted everything but didn't want to ask for it he thought it should be handed to him. Ben, well Ben wanted me. That's it just me! That was the true beginning; I found that I craved Brian less and less until the craving one day disappeared. I didn't even feel its loss. My connection to Brian will always be there always have, always will. Brian can still make my heart rate speed up. But Ben can make my heart stop with just a look.
My awakening was not some sudden bomb going off, it was gradual.
In Ben I found my confidence, my strength, my independence, myself.
Step three?
Well, step three was Ben!